Love my huband but want no-strings sex with someone else

magenta_sky

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here.. advice.. affirmation?... I've been married to my husband for 5 years. We have a young child together. I love them both more than anything. There is nothing missing between my husband and I except that I have always liked no strings sex and have always been able to have purely sexual relationships and I am missing those. I simply want to have sex with another man.

I have a married friend who does this on work trips. We work in the same industry and go on lots of trips that involve a lot of social events. Once or twice a year she pulls and has sex with someone at these events. She has a fantastic marriage.

I don't know, why am I even posting this?? I've been thinking about this for the past few months. I just, very selfishly, want to try this to see if I would enjoy it.

Lux23

You have to think this through - what would happen if your husband found out? Would it mean the end of your marriage? Could you live with that? I completely understand where you're coming from, I spent my 20s in and out of purely sexual relationships and I sometimes miss it, but I love my partner more and he would be devastated if I cheated on him.

And your friend might have a great marriage, but it doesn't mean this would work for you.

khaldrogo

magenta_sky wrote:

........ She has a fantastic marriage.

I doubt her husband would agree if he knew

wiggle16

Might be asking the obvious, but have you spoken your husband about this? Do you think he would be receptive to the idea of an open relationship?

Professor Moriarty

wiggle16 wrote: »

Might be asking the obvious, but have you spoken your husband about this? Do you think he would be receptive to the idea of an open relationship?

I'd think twice before doing that. Then I'd think again.

ElizaBennett

The reality is that he would almost certainly never find out - especially if it was with strangers abroad - so I think adding that into the equation is moot.

Wheety

You have to realise that having these one night stands or even a friend with benefits could eventually lead to the breakup of your marriage?

I wonder how many PMs you will get though.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

There's nothing wrong with no strings sex.

There's nothing wrong with sex outside your marriage.

What's wrong is lying and deceiving a partner about it.

Marriages are generally assumed to be monogamous unless there's another, explicit agreement between both parties. You have an intimate relationship with your husband of which sex and romance is an integral part. You can't just unilaterally decide to fundamentally change that to scratch an itch.

Well you can, but you're risking your marriage, your husband's heart, your relationship with your child. I know infidelity is very common, but come on, so are marriages breaking up over it.

Your friend with the fantastic marriage, no. Maybe they get on fantastically and support each other and love each other and everything, but there's an enormous deception at the middle of it where one party is engaging in behaviour which if found out they know would end the marriage, and so withhold the information. They're effectively removing their spouse's free and informed choice to be with them.

It's like thinking you've a fantastic job because you get on with your boss, enjoy the work, the commute is grand...And then you find out everyone else is being paid more than you, your boss has badmouthed you to higher ups and not informed you of promotion opportunities and other people have been taking credit for your work. Sure you loved your job and were happier not knowing all that, it doesn't mean it was a fantastic job though.

Think very carefully and consider other options before you do this. Fair enough you think the risk of being caught is low but it exists, and the country is full of men in bedsits and women raising kids alone who thought they'd never be caught.

LegacyUser

I've done this. Met the other party 3 or 4 times. First meet was a chat, to ensure there was mutual attraction. Then we rented a hotel room and spent hours together. Was an unbelievably good experience. Next time, same sort of arrangement, still exceptional fun. Other times not as much fun.

I've knocked it on the head now. Was finding it hard to reconcile with the person I like to think I am. I don't want to classify myself as an adulterer. I don't think I would ever be found out, but if I was I could never forgive myself.

Any yet, if the opportunity for safe NSA without any fear of being caught, now that I have done it once, I would probably be more inclined to do it again if it was with someone I found really attractive.

BoardsMember

Wheety wrote: »

I wonder how many PMs you will get though.

Is that the purpose of the OP I wonder. Could be a trap.

Wheety wrote: »

You have to realise that having these one night stands or even a friend with benefits could eventually lead to the breakup of your marriage?

This is the thing. Is it really worth it? Maybe fulfilling your desires using your imagination, toys etc is the better option.

Another day

Sounds like you need spontaneity back in your marriage. That can be done with a bit of planning and not with someone outside of it. Organise a family member to take your child overnight without telling your hubby, greet him at the door as you wish! Plenty of other ways to spice things up without endangering your marriage.

magenta_sky

magenta_sky wrote: »

I have always liked no strings sex and have always been able to have purely sexual relationships and I am missing those. I simply want to have sex with another man.

Is this not why (some!) couples role play that they are complete strangers meeting in a hotel bar for sex or something?

Cyclepath

magenta_sky wrote: »

... I love them both more than anything. There is nothing missing between my husband and I except that I have always liked no strings sex and have always been able to have purely sexual relationships and I am missing those. I simply want to have sex with another man.

I have a married friend who does this on work trips. We work in the same industry and go on lots of trips that involve a lot of social events. Once or twice a year she pulls and has sex with someone at these events. She has a fantastic marriage...

It's interesting that you've essentially described how many males think about sex, i.e. as something that can be separate to love and something that can occur without changing your feelings about your partner/family.

It's also interesting that the replies are far more balanced than they would be if you were a man expressing the same desires!

I would offer the same advice as I would to any man expressing the same desire:

Think about the risk of discovery - everything hinges on this. The smallest mistake on your part could break up your family. Divorce is not pretty, but it's pretty expensive and pretty harrowing.

I won't even begin to suggest that you consider the moral arguments because that would be pointless. We all do things considered 'wrong' or morally errant because we are human. You know the arguments against but you have a strong sexual desire.

Most males will understand your desire so remember, as a female, it would be very easy for you to act upon your desires - the only limiting factor here is how selective you are about partners. The potential for mistakes is significant.

Professor Moriarty

Cyclepath wrote: »

It's interesting that you've essentially described how many males think about sex, i.e. as something that can be separate to love and something that can occur without changing your feelings about your partner/family.

It's also interesting that the replies are far more balanced than they would be if you were a man expressing the same desires!

I would offer the same advice as I would to any man expressing the same desire:

Think about the risk of discovery - everything hinges on this. The smallest mistake on your part could break up your family. Divorce is not pretty, but it's pretty expensive and pretty harrowing.

I won't even begin to suggest that you consider the moral arguments because that would be pointless. We all do things considered 'wrong' or morally errant because we are human. You know the arguments against but you have a strong sexual desire.

Most males will understand your desire so remember, as a female, it would be very easy for you to act upon your desires - the only limiting factor here is how selective you are about partners. The potential for mistakes is significant.

Deceiving your partner whom you love and the father of your child would induce damaging feelings of guilt. If it didn't, I would question the use of the word 'love'.

chicorytip

You could possibly contract a sexually transmitted infection and pass it on to your partner. You could possibly become pregnant as a result of one of these "flings". The fact is you are behaving in a selfish and dishonest fashion. How can you claim to feel such great love for your partner yet, at the same time, engage in intimate relations with complete strangers. What would your reaction be if your partner admitted to behaving in such a manner? You need to make a full confession immediately in order to try and save your relationship because, no matter what you think, you will never be able to keep this a secret. Sit down and talk to each other now.

Professor Moriarty

chicorytip wrote: »

You could possibly contract a sexually transmitted infection and pass it on to your partner. You could possibly become pregnant as a result of one of these "flings". The fact is you are behaving in a selfish and dishonest fashion. How can you claim to feel such great love for your partner yet, at the same time, engage in intimate relations with complete strangers. What would your reaction be if your partner admitted to behaving in such a manner? You need to make a full confession immediately in order to try and save your relationship because, no matter what you think, you will never be able to keep this a secret. Sit down and talk to each other now.

No. Say nothing at all. Find a way of satisfying your sexual desires that doesn't include telling your partner that you want to have sex with someone else or by cheating on him. A loving relationship, especially when you are parents, is infinitely more important.

Cyclepath

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Deceiving your partner whom you love and the father of your child would induce damaging feelings of guilt. If it didn't, I would question the use of the word 'love'.

You could certainly question the use of your understanding of the word love. Who defines the word love? Can it be defined? Is there a single template for everyone? How much guilt do people feel for anything that they do? Is the level of guilt damaging for everyone? Or just for some people? Is the guilt bearable, manageable, etc?

Ultimately, can you logically state why having sex with a stranger is inconsistent with loving someone? I'd suggest that many people can resolve a great degree of guilt internally.

Professor Moriarty

Cyclepath wrote: »

You could certainly question the use of your understanding of the word love. Who defines the word love? Can it be defined? Is there a single template for everyone? How much guilt do people feel for anything that they do? Is the level of guilt damaging for everyone? Or just for some people? Is the guilt bearable, manageable, etc?

Ultimately, can you logically state why having sex with a stranger is inconsistent with loving someone? I'd suggest that many people can resolve a great degree of guilt internally.

Most people wouldn't agree. My understanding of the word 'love' is that it includes honesty. Cheating damages the person and the relationship in most cases - whether it's discovered or not.

I suggest reading through this thread about a "swinger". Under strict circumstances, this kind of thing can work. Rules and openness are incredibly important as cheating is essentially deception, not simply physically engaging with someone else. Its the deception which tears relationships apart. Whether your husband is someone who is open to this, that's another kettle of fish. Even suggesting this could create a huge amount of doubt in his mind, especially if he's not open to it in any way, shape or form. It's a tough one to approach.

I have minimal experience with this myself but it definitely can work. At burning man (week long hippie festival, most famous festival in the world), the sheer amount of people I met who weren't monogamous was astounding. It was a huge eye opener. As long as two consenting adults agree, what's the problem. I met a lot of couples who were monogamous all year round but for that week, they'd be free. Some had more rules than others e.g. no sex, don't meet the same person twice, only when I'm present, no exchanging of contact details and so on. Whatever works for you, but it certainly seemed to work for them. The alternative seems to be either cheating and possibly destroying the relationship or denying yourself what you really want from life. I'm personally convinced from all these experiences that we aren't built for strict monogamy and its a product of our modern society but that's a different story.

Also this book is very interesting on the topic, although it's conclusions are disputed by some.

woodchuck

Mod note:

As the OP has been banned, I'm locking this thread.