People insisting on paying for others

Problem Of Motivation

I work work in a shop at the moment and one thing I seem to notice a lot, is situations where you'll get two people who know each other arrive at the till and one of them will insist on paying for the others stuff. The other usually resists initially before their friend will "stop stop stop" and then that person will pay for all of it. How would you say 'no' in a situation like this without making a fuse or looking sensitive? I can't think of any.

I'm not saying it's a power move but think of it this way; what if the guy who got his stuff paid was you, and what if you intended to give out to the other guy about something later on? Wouldn't it make it harder to give out to him after he'd have paid for your stuff?

my3cents

The trick you are missing is always arriving at the till just after this guy that likes to pay of other peoples stuff.

Deebles McBeebles

Wish I had a Sugardaddy.

branie2

I think it's a nice thing to do

Mine's a sparkling water.

Cina

Nothing wrong with it, it's a nice thing to do. I find that people do it for me too so it generally evens out anyway.

What I despise is when people pretend you don't have to pay when you offer and then decide to go get offended about it if you say "OK, grand, I won't, seeing as you said not to". Imbeciles.

Zillah

Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours. And they'd never admit that, and would be offended if I suggested that, and they'd probably even saying something like "And after I paid for the sandwiches and everything...", which really only would prove the point.

The politics of gift giving are really quite a vipers' nest and I try to stay uninvolved.

Don't get me fuckin' started on buying rounds. I once had a friend make a shitty comment about me not getting my round - well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each and everyone is actively competing to sneak their round in before someone else has the chance. I'll just get my own, thanks.

Apiarist

Problem Of Motivation wrote: »

I'm not saying it's a power move but think of it this way; what if the guy who got his stuff paid was you, and what if you intended to give out to the other guy about something later on? Wouldn't it make it harder to give out to him after he'd have paid for your stuff?

Two can (and should) play the game. You have to remember who paid for you and the next time you pay for the other guy, and if he objects, say that this is your turn, nobody can argue with that -- unless they are indeed your sugardaddy in which case the rule does no apply

If the approximate balance is going to be met at the nearest opportunity, there is no obligation to feel constrained by your "debt".

Hector Savage

mad muffin

I just say thanks. That’s great.

I never repay the favour though. I didn’t ask for it in the first place…

Zillah

Zillah wrote: »

Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours. And they'd never admit that, and would be offended if I suggested that, and they'd probably even saying something like "And after I paid for the sandwiches and everything...", which really only would prove the point.

The politics of gift giving are really quite a vipers' nest and I try to stay uninvolved.

Don't get me fuckin' started on buying rounds. I once had a friend make a shitty comment about me not getting my round - well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each and everyone is actively competing to sneak their round in before someone else has the chance. I'll just get my own, thanks.

Firstly, I think you're over thinking things. People are just trying to be nice.

Secondly, you sound like some craic alright.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

From years of working in retail and hospitality I know how annoying this can be, two people thrusting banknotes in your face and then a 5 minute conversation about who's going to pay and isn't he very bold he paid the last time no no no now I arranged it so I'm paying for her she's still my little girl HAHAHA. Just one of ye fcuking pay, I could not give less if a sh1t which of ye pay, or about anything else in your lives, or whether ye cease to exist once you walk out of this place, just one of ye pay and let me back to the 50 other things I've to do. Nowadays, the first note/card I see is the one I take, can't be dealing with it.

And yet, when I'm out, especially with my mother, I can't help myself. I physically can't stand there and not offer.

facehugger99

Zillah wrote: »

Y- well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each

why not?

seamus

I disagree that it's automatically a power move or an attempt to get one up.

This is the kind of thing that would absolutely be the norm with my family and even some friends, and it's more because me paying for my stuff and then waiting while you pay for your stuff just seems weird and awkward.

If it's under a tenner, then it seems really petty to not just pay for it when you're first in line. We do this all the time.

Kimora Curved Jellybean

Kimora Curved Jellybean wrote: »

From years of working in retail and hospitality I know how annoying this can be, two people thrusting banknotes in your face and then a 5 minute conversation about who's going to pay and isn't he very bold he paid the last time no no no now I arranged it so I'm paying for her she's still my little girl HAHAHA. Just one of ye fcuking pay, I could not give less if a sh1t which of ye pay, or about anything else in your lives, or whether ye cease to exist once you walk out of this place, just one of ye pay and let me back to the 50 other things I've to do. Nowadays, the first note/card I see is the one I take, can't be dealing with it.

And yet, when I'm out, especially with my mother, I can't help myself. I physically can't stand there and not offer.

This sounds petty mean of me, but I can't stand people who don't offer. Like a lot of Irish people, I'd sooner eat glass than allow you to pay for my 2-quid coffee, but still, it's only good manners to offer.

Can relate to your experience on a till. It gets extremely tiresome for anyone who has to witness this odd charade.

We should probably all go Dutch, and be done with it; nevertheless I think it's nothing more than a nice gesture to pay for someone's snack (though understandably, it does annoy the heck out of retail/hospitality people)

chrissb8

You are all looking into this so much. It's just a nice thing to do for a friend or someone. Generally only small things like a coffee or a pint and most normal people tend to even forget they have bought someone the said small item. It's only the weirdo scrooges who care about stuff like that and they're generally petty people who over analyse every situation and act. Sometimes buying someone a coffee is just buying someone a coffee, that's it.

Deebles McBeebles

If anyone ever tried to buy me something I would spit right in their mouth.



As a thank you.

ginandtonicsky

I think the " no no I insist" thing is a distinctly Irish trait. I've had to make a mental note not to jump in and offer to pay in so many scenarios because I'm driven by this weird residual Catholic guilt of not wanting to be seen as stingy.

When you're abroad people won't get into the "ah no don't be silly" dance and will just be like "alright then" and thus you're out of pocket in so many scenarios. It can be bad especially in dating, where fellas see it as some sort of novelty and suddenly you've paid the dinner bill and the drinks bill and the second date is on you too and you're not even sure if you like this person, especially because they've LET you pick up the tab without so much as an argument. And you as an Irish person expect that argument every time.

That said, I love treating people on the smaller things like a coffee or a pastry from the work cafe and will always do that as a rule. It's just a few quid here and there anyway.

danslevent

This doesn't work abroad. In France if you offer to pay it's a very much, "Great, thanks" and they won't feel in debt to you hah

IAMAMORON

It depends.... like they would not want to be drinking carbonated water or listening to the radio in the canteen....

Balanadan

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I think the " no no I insist" thing is a distinctly Irish trait. I've had to make a mental note not to jump in and offer to pay in so many scenarios because I'm driven by this weird residual Catholic guilt of not wanting to be seen as stingy.

When you're abroad people won't get into the "ah no don't be silly" dance and will just be like "alright then" and thus you're out of pocket in so many scenarios. It can be bad especially in dating, where fellas see it as some sort of novelty and suddenly you've paid the dinner bill and the drinks bill and the second date is on you too and you're not even sure if you like this person, especially because they've LET you pick up the tab without so much as an argument. And you as an Irish person expect that argument every time.

That said, I love treating people on the smaller things like a coffee or a pastry from the work cafe and will always do that as a rule. It's just a few quid here and there anyway.

It is normal for men in any civilised culture to INSIST on paying the bill when entertaining a woman.

Usually when this happens it's a two way street and the next time the offending parties are in the situation the other person will pay.

Not always though. I used to offer to pick things up if I was going to the shops in a former job. One guy always asked me to pick him up a coffee at a particular place I'd be passing anyway, and I always would. It would come to about 4/5 quid for the coffee he wanted and I didn't expect him to pay, I offered. I got a fair few coffees over the months, he never offered to pay which I noticed but didn't let it bother me.

One day he was going out and asked if anyone wanted anything and I asked him for a particular bar of chocolate. He came back, put it on the desk, got out the receipt and underlined the 99c price and asked me to pay him there and then, which I did.

I never got him another coffee.

The point is that it's usually people just trying to be nice, and it's nice to be nice.

Airyfairy12

It depends, if its' coffee or a pint or the odd lunch it can be a nice gesture but then there are people who do this consistently as a type of manipulation and a way of being owed favors in the future or to just throw in peoples faces ' I was so good to you, I bought you dinner that time and bought you drinks that other time and you cant even do this thing for me'. Its the intention behind the gensture that counts. That said I still find it uncomfortable and would prefare if we could all just pay for ourselves. I cant help feeling like I owe someone when they pay for me.

In regards to people using it as a type of manipulation, I used to be friends with a woman that would always insist in going up to the till before me and paying for the whole meal/drinks or whatever, it was uncomfortable especially because she was only doing it to look good, she would nearly take the hand off you when you offered her the money privately. One time she went up ahead of me, when I got the till the waitress said my friend paid, I didnt have change to give her the money back straight away but text her later that week to buy her lunch, didnt get a reply from her, found out off a mutual friend that she was offended over not getting the money back there and then.

Im also sometimes wary of people who insist in doing nice things so publicly but again it depends on the person/situation.

Kintarō Hattori

I'm one of those people. No mind games, not looking for any high ground over someone else. I thought I was simply being nice. Sigh, what's the world coming to. You can't do anything for anyone anymore without it offending someone somewhere. Once people were friendly and did things for others without a moments thought- now we're being forced into looking after only ourselves because it's becoming too risky to do something for someone else.

I really should change that tag under my name.

Problem Of Motivation

Candie wrote: »

The point is that it's usually people just trying to be nice, and it's nice to be nice.

Yes, but what make all the difference there is that he asked you to buy it, as opposed to you butting into his till transaction at a shop and saying "ah it's alright, I got it".

Just because the person is being nice, doesn't mean that they'd let you do the same for them. I can think of many people who'd pay for my stuff and not expect a thing back. But if I tried to pay for their stuff it'd be a case of "who are you trying to be?"

Rubberchikken

for me it would depend on the total cost.
i couldnt afford to pay fir someones weekly shop plus my own but i would offer if family member behind me had maybe milk, bread or some other little items.
wouldn't be power play on my part and i wouldnt expect anything in return. wouldnt even remember it tbh.

as for rounds, do not like them and dont agree with them. each to their own in that game imo.

Problem Of Motivation

Citrus Ale wrote: »

I have the same mindset about customers, I couldn't care less if they cease to exist, are murdered or raped once they walk out of the shop.

You must be on the sociopath spectrum.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'm wondering now if people have tried to pull some sort of manipulative power move, I haven't registered it, and got a free lunch/pint.

Haha.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

This sounds petty mean of me, but I can't stand people who don't offer. Like a lot of Irish people, I'd sooner eat glass than allow you to pay for my 2-quid coffee, but still, it's only good manners to offer.

Can relate to your experience on a till. It gets extremely tiresome for anyone who has to witness this odd charade.

We should probably all go Dutch, and be done with it; nevertheless I think it's nothing more than a nice gesture to pay for someone's snack (though understandably, it does annoy the heck out of retail/hospitality people)

Really? I’d never expect someone to pay for my purchases or even offer. If I’m with a friend, I just hold my stuff whilst they are doing their transaction. I don’t put them in the position of having to offer.

Problem Of Motivation

Kimora Curved Jellybean wrote: »

I'm wondering now if people have tried to pull some sort of manipulative power move, I haven't registered it, and got a free lunch/pint.

Haha.

A then you'll remember you intended to confront that person over a particular issue, and it'll make it all the more awkward. They won't even have to say that they bought you lunch.

YFlyer

Zillah wrote: »

Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours. And they'd never admit that, and would be offended if I suggested that, and they'd probably even saying something like "And after I paid for the sandwiches and everything...", which really only would prove the point.

The politics of gift giving are really quite a vipers' nest and I try to stay uninvolved.

Don't get me fuckin' started on buying rounds. I once had a friend make a shitty comment about me not getting my round - well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each and everyone is actively competing to sneak their round in before someone else has the chance. I'll just get my own, thanks.

Did you get drinks from the rounds?