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People insisting on paying for others

  • 25-06-2019 10:13am
    #1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭


    I work work in a shop at the moment and one thing I seem to notice a lot, is situations where you'll get two people who know each other arrive at the till and one of them will insist on paying for the others stuff. The other usually resists initially before their friend will "stop stop stop" and then that person will pay for all of it. How would you say 'no' in a situation like this without making a fuse or looking sensitive? I can't think of any.

    I'm not saying it's a power move but think of it this way; what if the guy who got his stuff paid was you, and what if you intended to give out to the other guy about something later on? Wouldn't it make it harder to give out to him after he'd have paid for your stuff?


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,764 ✭✭✭my3cents


    The trick you are missing is always arriving at the till just after this guy that likes to pay of other peoples stuff.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,943 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    Wish I had a Sugardaddy.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,314 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    I think it's a nice thing to do


  • Posts: 5,311 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Mine's a sparkling water.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,388 ✭✭✭Cina


    Nothing wrong with it, it's a nice thing to do. I find that people do it for me too so it generally evens out anyway.

    What I despise is when people pretend you don't have to pay when you offer and then decide to go get offended about it if you say "OK, grand, I won't, seeing as you said not to". Imbeciles.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,371 ✭✭✭✭Zillah


    Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours. And they'd never admit that, and would be offended if I suggested that, and they'd probably even saying something like "And after I paid for the sandwiches and everything...", which really only would prove the point.

    The politics of gift giving are really quite a vipers' nest and I try to stay uninvolved.

    Don't get me fuckin' started on buying rounds. I once had a friend make a shitty comment about me not getting my round - well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each and everyone is actively competing to sneak their round in before someone else has the chance. I'll just get my own, thanks.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Apiarist


    I'm not saying it's a power move but think of it this way; what if the guy who got his stuff paid was you, and what if you intended to give out to the other guy about something later on? Wouldn't it make it harder to give out to him after he'd have paid for your stuff?

    Two can (and should) play the game. You have to remember who paid for you and the next time you pay for the other guy, and if he objects, say that this is your turn, nobody can argue with that -- unless they are indeed your sugardaddy in which case the rule does no apply ;)

    If the approximate balance is going to be met at the nearest opportunity, there is no obligation to feel constrained by your "debt".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,809 ✭✭✭Hector Savage




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭mad muffin


    I just say thanks. That’s great.

    I never repay the favour though. I didn’t ask for it in the first place…


  • Posts: 13,712 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Zillah wrote: »
    Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours. And they'd never admit that, and would be offended if I suggested that, and they'd probably even saying something like "And after I paid for the sandwiches and everything...", which really only would prove the point.

    The politics of gift giving are really quite a vipers' nest and I try to stay uninvolved.

    Don't get me fuckin' started on buying rounds. I once had a friend make a shitty comment about me not getting my round - well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each and everyone is actively competing to sneak their round in before someone else has the chance. I'll just get my own, thanks.
    Firstly, I think you're over thinking things. People are just trying to be nice.

    Secondly, you sound like some craic alright.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    From years of working in retail and hospitality I know how annoying this can be, two people thrusting banknotes in your face and then a 5 minute conversation about who's going to pay and isn't he very bold he paid the last time no no no now I arranged it so I'm paying for her she's still my little girl HAHAHA. Just one of ye fcuking pay, I could not give less if a sh1t which of ye pay, or about anything else in your lives, or whether ye cease to exist once you walk out of this place, just one of ye pay and let me back to the 50 other things I've to do. Nowadays, the first note/card I see is the one I take, can't be dealing with it.

    And yet, when I'm out, especially with my mother, I can't help myself. I physically can't stand there and not offer.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,543 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    Zillah wrote: »
    Y- well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each

    why not?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    I disagree that it's automatically a power move or an attempt to get one up.

    This is the kind of thing that would absolutely be the norm with my family and even some friends, and it's more because me paying for my stuff and then waiting while you pay for your stuff just seems weird and awkward.

    If it's under a tenner, then it seems really petty to not just pay for it when you're first in line. We do this all the time.


  • Posts: 13,712 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    From years of working in retail and hospitality I know how annoying this can be, two people thrusting banknotes in your face and then a 5 minute conversation about who's going to pay and isn't he very bold he paid the last time no no no now I arranged it so I'm paying for her she's still my little girl HAHAHA. Just one of ye fcuking pay, I could not give less if a sh1t which of ye pay, or about anything else in your lives, or whether ye cease to exist once you walk out of this place, just one of ye pay and let me back to the 50 other things I've to do. Nowadays, the first note/card I see is the one I take, can't be dealing with it.

    And yet, when I'm out, especially with my mother, I can't help myself. I physically can't stand there and not offer.
    This sounds petty mean of me, but I can't stand people who don't offer. Like a lot of Irish people, I'd sooner eat glass than allow you to pay for my 2-quid coffee, but still, it's only good manners to offer.

    Can relate to your experience on a till. It gets extremely tiresome for anyone who has to witness this odd charade.

    We should probably all go Dutch, and be done with it; nevertheless I think it's nothing more than a nice gesture to pay for someone's snack (though understandably, it does annoy the heck out of retail/hospitality people)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,192 ✭✭✭chrissb8


    You are all looking into this so much. It's just a nice thing to do for a friend or someone. Generally only small things like a coffee or a pint and most normal people tend to even forget they have bought someone the said small item. It's only the weirdo scrooges who care about stuff like that and they're generally petty people who over analyse every situation and act. Sometimes buying someone a coffee is just buying someone a coffee, that's it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,943 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    If anyone ever tried to buy me something I would spit right in their mouth.



    As a thank you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I think the " no no I insist" thing is a distinctly Irish trait. I've had to make a mental note not to jump in and offer to pay in so many scenarios because I'm driven by this weird residual Catholic guilt of not wanting to be seen as stingy.

    When you're abroad people won't get into the "ah no don't be silly" dance and will just be like "alright then" and thus you're out of pocket in so many scenarios. It can be bad especially in dating, where fellas see it as some sort of novelty and suddenly you've paid the dinner bill and the drinks bill and the second date is on you too and you're not even sure if you like this person, especially because they've LET you pick up the tab without so much as an argument. And you as an Irish person expect that argument every time.

    That said, I love treating people on the smaller things like a coffee or a pastry from the work cafe and will always do that as a rule. It's just a few quid here and there anyway.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 893 ✭✭✭danslevent


    This doesn't work abroad. In France if you offer to pay it's a very much, "Great, thanks" and they won't feel in debt to you hah


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    It depends.... like they would not want to be drinking carbonated water or listening to the radio in the canteen....


  • Site Banned Posts: 725 ✭✭✭Balanadan


    I think the " no no I insist" thing is a distinctly Irish trait. I've had to make a mental note not to jump in and offer to pay in so many scenarios because I'm driven by this weird residual Catholic guilt of not wanting to be seen as stingy.

    When you're abroad people won't get into the "ah no don't be silly" dance and will just be like "alright then" and thus you're out of pocket in so many scenarios. It can be bad especially in dating, where fellas see it as some sort of novelty and suddenly you've paid the dinner bill and the drinks bill and the second date is on you too and you're not even sure if you like this person, especially because they've LET you pick up the tab without so much as an argument. And you as an Irish person expect that argument every time.

    That said, I love treating people on the smaller things like a coffee or a pastry from the work cafe and will always do that as a rule. It's just a few quid here and there anyway.

    It is normal for men in any civilised culture to INSIST on paying the bill when entertaining a woman.


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  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Usually when this happens it's a two way street and the next time the offending parties are in the situation the other person will pay.

    Not always though. I used to offer to pick things up if I was going to the shops in a former job. One guy always asked me to pick him up a coffee at a particular place I'd be passing anyway, and I always would. It would come to about 4/5 quid for the coffee he wanted and I didn't expect him to pay, I offered. I got a fair few coffees over the months, he never offered to pay which I noticed but didn't let it bother me.

    One day he was going out and asked if anyone wanted anything and I asked him for a particular bar of chocolate. He came back, put it on the desk, got out the receipt and underlined the 99c price and asked me to pay him there and then, which I did.

    I never got him another coffee.

    The point is that it's usually people just trying to be nice, and it's nice to be nice.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    It depends, if its' coffee or a pint or the odd lunch it can be a nice gesture but then there are people who do this consistently as a type of manipulation and a way of being owed favors in the future or to just throw in peoples faces ' I was so good to you, I bought you dinner that time and bought you drinks that other time and you cant even do this thing for me'. Its the intention behind the gensture that counts. That said I still find it uncomfortable and would prefare if we could all just pay for ourselves. I cant help feeling like I owe someone when they pay for me.

    In regards to people using it as a type of manipulation, I used to be friends with a woman that would always insist in going up to the till before me and paying for the whole meal/drinks or whatever, it was uncomfortable especially because she was only doing it to look good, she would nearly take the hand off you when you offered her the money privately. One time she went up ahead of me, when I got the till the waitress said my friend paid, I didnt have change to give her the money back straight away but text her later that week to buy her lunch, didnt get a reply from her, found out off a mutual friend that she was offended over not getting the money back there and then.

    Im also sometimes wary of people who insist in doing nice things so publicly but again it depends on the person/situation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,039 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    I'm one of those people. No mind games, not looking for any high ground over someone else. I thought I was simply being nice. Sigh, what's the world coming to. You can't do anything for anyone anymore without it offending someone somewhere. Once people were friendly and did things for others without a moments thought- now we're being forced into looking after only ourselves because it's becoming too risky to do something for someone else.

    I really should change that tag under my name.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭Problem Of Motivation


    Candie wrote: »
    The point is that it's usually people just trying to be nice, and it's nice to be nice.
    Yes, but what make all the difference there is that he asked you to buy it, as opposed to you butting into his till transaction at a shop and saying "ah it's alright, I got it".

    Just because the person is being nice, doesn't mean that they'd let you do the same for them. I can think of many people who'd pay for my stuff and not expect a thing back. But if I tried to pay for their stuff it'd be a case of "who are you trying to be?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,095 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    for me it would depend on the total cost.
    i couldnt afford to pay fir someones weekly shop plus my own but i would offer if family member behind me had maybe milk, bread or some other little items.
    wouldn't be power play on my part and i wouldnt expect anything in return. wouldnt even remember it tbh.

    as for rounds, do not like them and dont agree with them. each to their own in that game imo.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭Problem Of Motivation


    Citrus Ale wrote: »
    I have the same mindset about customers, I couldn't care less if they cease to exist, are murdered or raped once they walk out of the shop.
    You must be on the sociopath spectrum.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    I'm wondering now if people have tried to pull some sort of manipulative power move, I haven't registered it, and got a free lunch/pint.

    Haha.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,474 ✭✭✭Obvious Desperate Breakfasts


    This sounds petty mean of me, but I can't stand people who don't offer. Like a lot of Irish people, I'd sooner eat glass than allow you to pay for my 2-quid coffee, but still, it's only good manners to offer.

    Can relate to your experience on a till. It gets extremely tiresome for anyone who has to witness this odd charade.

    We should probably all go Dutch, and be done with it; nevertheless I think it's nothing more than a nice gesture to pay for someone's snack (though understandably, it does annoy the heck out of retail/hospitality people)

    Really? I’d never expect someone to pay for my purchases or even offer. If I’m with a friend, I just hold my stuff whilst they are doing their transaction. I don’t put them in the position of having to offer.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭Problem Of Motivation


    I'm wondering now if people have tried to pull some sort of manipulative power move, I haven't registered it, and got a free lunch/pint.

    Haha.
    A then you'll remember you intended to confront that person over a particular issue, and it'll make it all the more awkward. They won't even have to say that they bought you lunch.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,717 ✭✭✭YFlyer


    Zillah wrote: »
    Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours. And they'd never admit that, and would be offended if I suggested that, and they'd probably even saying something like "And after I paid for the sandwiches and everything...", which really only would prove the point.

    The politics of gift giving are really quite a vipers' nest and I try to stay uninvolved.

    Don't get me fuckin' started on buying rounds. I once had a friend make a shitty comment about me not getting my round - well excuse me, there are six of us, we're not having six bloody drinks each and everyone is actively competing to sneak their round in before someone else has the chance. I'll just get my own, thanks.

    Did you get drinks from the rounds?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31,225 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    Do like the sneaky son in the Ulster Bank ad and say your going to the toilet and pay and then the father acts all surprised!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    A then you'll remember you intended to confront that person over a particular issue, and it'll make it all the more awkward. They won't even have to say that they bought you lunch.

    If I were spotting a pattern where I was working up to confronting someone and they'd buy me lunch then I'd question their motives. But if I were spotting a pattern where I was often working up to confronting someone then they wouldn't be in the position of buying me lunch anyway, they'd be out of my life pretty quick.

    If it was a once off or infrequent thing, it wouldn't stop me confronting them and if they brought up the fact they'd bought me lunch I'd call them out on it.

    I've honestly never found myself in the position you're laying out there though as I said maybe I'm just oblivious to it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,417 ✭✭✭ToddyDoody


    Generally I'm not allowed pay as we'd always end up in the cheapest of cheap places.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 933 ✭✭✭El_Bee


    I'm not saying it's a power move but think of it this way; what if the guy who got his stuff paid was you, and what if you intended to give out to the other guy about something later on? Wouldn't it make it harder to give out to him after he'd have paid for your stuff?


    Well the bulk of us pay for other people's houses, medical care, rent and weekly stipend, and they have no problem giving out to the government over every little thing, so maybe it's a class thing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,063 ✭✭✭wexandproud


    El_Bee wrote: »
    Well the bulk of us pay for other people's houses, medical care, rent and weekly stipend, and they have no problem giving out to the government over every little thing, so maybe it's a class thing.
    here we go again , no matter what a thread is about someone has to drag it down to this


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,110 ✭✭✭fly_agaric


    There is some law that every thread in this forum has to boil down to evils of travellers, immigrants, welfare spongers/cheats and bone idle public servants.

    Almost forgot the narcissists' prayers for climate change, Trump is a great statesman and (sometimes!) Brexit is just wonderful etc...good, good let the hate flow through you!:confused:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,110 ✭✭✭fly_agaric


    How would you say 'no' in a situation like this without making a fuse or looking sensitive? I can't think of any.

    Don't like it at all [outside a "round" type situation]. It's not easy. Have done that (put foot down + said no). It doesn't seem to go down well, makes the person who tried to pay uncomfortable if you push back too hard. I tend to give in + set up a mental ledger on it and be pretty meticulous about returning the "obligation" at some point in future (similar to a round?).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,418 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    Fcuk, I hate rounds.
    I might be drinking expensive beer, I might only want a half, I might want to leave after this one, I'd like to drink at my pace, not yours!

    I guess it kinda worked when everyone drank similarly priced pints and everyone wanted to get blathered.
    Now, please let me just get my own drink, thanks.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 491 ✭✭B_ecke_r


    I wouldn't hold a friend in debt over a €2 coffee.

    evens out in my experience.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 32,136 ✭✭✭✭is_that_so


    Fcuk, I hate rounds.
    I might be drinking expensive beer, I might only want a half, I might want to leave after this one, I'd like to drink at my pace, not yours!

    I guess it kinda worked when everyone drank similarly priced pints and everyone wanted to get blathered.
    Now, please let me just get my own drink, thanks.

    You should always say that. People generally will not take offence.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    danslevent wrote: »
    This doesn't work abroad. In France if you offer to pay it's a very much, "Great, thanks" and they won't feel in debt to you hah
    How is that "not working" though. Your intention is to pay for someone else. Is it not better that they say "Great thanks" rather than do the absurd, "No, no, no, put your money away" dance?
    is_that_so wrote: »
    You should always say that. People generally will not take offence.
    Problem though is that there's often that one guy who'll jump up when you walk in and ask, "What are you having", refuses to take no for an answer, and then you find out that he's bought you into a round.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Zillah wrote: »
    Yeah it's really weird and manipulative in my opinion. It's not about being nice, it's about gaining a sort of moral high ground and positioning yourself so be owed favours.
    Not saying you do, but I think it would be a pity to view it as a gesture with an ulterior motive all the time.

    However, there can be something to what you say. There are such people, who like to look brilliant. A minority though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,583 ✭✭✭✭kowloon


    El_Bee wrote: »
    Well the bulk of us pay for other people's houses, medical care, rent and weekly stipend, and they have no problem giving out to the government over every little thing, so maybe it's a class thing.

    be-gone-foul-beast-go-back-whence-you-came.jpg

    As long as things don't get into crazy asian levels of gift giving that are a financiaal strain to both parties I don't think about it too much.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭Problem Of Motivation


    B_ecke_r wrote: »
    I wouldn't hold a friend in debt over a €2 coffee.

    evens out in my experience.
    But what if he died shortly after you bought him the coffee?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,943 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    But what if he died shortly after you bought him the coffee?

    0% chance of being haunted. Win-win.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    But what if he died shortly after you bought him the coffee?

    But what if he died from the coffee you bought him?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,518 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    This paying malarkey has resulted in my family developing ninja-standard stealth - it’s a constant race to see who’ll get to pay On the QT before anyone else does.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,088 ✭✭✭✭_Kaiser_


    Depends on who I'm with really.

    With some people, we just pay for our own stuff but with what I'd consider good friends we tend to rotate it.

    Was out for a pub lunch the other day and picked up the tab for 3 of us. But they'll get me back next time so it's all good really.

    It's not showing off but at the same time it's nice to be able to do that too sometimes. Easier too than splitting a shared bill.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,145 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    I would do this with most of my friends and it would even out I think. If not and I end up buying for someone who whistles off into the night with their free americano I can't say I notice or it impacts my lifestyle in any way.

    However I do have one longterm friend who I absolutely will not pick up the tab for due to advanced stingitis (on her part). It is horrible realising that someone is always looking for an opportunity to scam something free out of you. It annoys me that I have to be vigilant about not accidentally paying.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,943 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    dudara wrote: »
    This paying malarkey has resulted in my family developing ninja-standard stealth - it’s a constant race to see who’ll get to pay On the QT before anyone else does.

    Are we related? :eek:

    Have the very same thing, its gotten to the point where I have to go to the toilet during the main course and sneakily pay on my way back. Leaving it til the end is just pointless.


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