Would this be creepy?

LegacyUser

I've never been in any sort of relationship - in a one night stand, absolutely nothing. I was at a networking event lunchand met a woman there. There was a good level of chat during the lunch and the person in question and I exchanged LinkedIn/Twitter handles. Maybe it's that I'm a bit naive in love that I was thinking maybe it would be nice to tryto meet her again. She was also wearing an LGBT ally badge at the event, so I fear embarrassment - would DMing hernon Twitter be creepy?

zapper55

Do it.

When I read your title I thought oh god what will the suggestion be but it isn't creepy at all. Best of luck with it.

GreeBo

Link them on LinkedIn and add a little "nice to meet you" etc message.
Ball is then in their court.

.......

No its not creepy. A message saying you enjoyed meeting the person and would like to meet again for a coffee sometime if they were interested would be fine.

People can and do meet future spouses through work and/or work related events all the time. I met my husband through work.

A good friend of mine met her husband because she was being interviewed by him for a work related matter. During the interview they clicked and before she left the building he came to her and just said "I really feel like we clicked, can we meet again?" and they did and eventually got married!

It would be creepy if you were trying to follow up with the person after they had indicated they were not interested, but at this stage its grand.

cloudatlas

....... wrote: »

It would be creepy if you were trying to follow up with the person after they had indicated they were not interested, but at this stage its grand.

But they met in a work related context so it could be safely assumed that the subsequent coffee would be work related and not a date. I think the o.p has to make it clear that he wants to go on a date so she can reject or accept him clearly without going on a date under false pretenses.

LegacyUser

Thanks Cloud Atlas for your reply. I was going to DM her on Twitter based on the previous replies but I chickened out and kept it more high level and business like for fear of embarrassment. Realistically as long as that's an issue, there's no hope for me in terms of relationships. Thanks to the other respondents also

cloudatlas

Forever Single wrote: »

Thanks Cloud Atlas for your reply. I was going to DM her on Twitter based on the previous replies but I chickened out and kept it more high level and business like for fear of embarrassment. Realistically as long as that's an issue, there's no hope for me in terms of relationships. Thanks to the other respondents also

I hope I didn't put you off I just meant that it's best that there is an understanding or else things could get awkward during a meet up. Facing rejection is a scary thing, everyone is embarrassed and anxious about putting themselves out there and making themselves vulnerable, that's normal. If she gets back to you you could try again, 'would you be free to go for drinks/coffee in a non-work related capacity (date)'. You aren't being creepy if you are being clear about your intentions. Equally she has the right to decline and that should be acceptable.

LegacyUser

What's the relevance of the LGBT ally badge out of interest? Are you LGBT female yourself or male. Half of Dublin wears ally lanyards by looks of it especially in banks etc I wouldn't make a call on that either way

LegacyUser

Notuser18 wrote: »

What's the relevance of the LGBT ally badge out of interest? Are you LGBT female yourself or male. Half of Dublin wears ally lanyards by looks of it especially in banks etc I wouldn't make a call on that either way

I identify as a straight/cisgender male. I have never come across someone wearing one of those lanyards, so was thinking that she may have been a member of the LGBTQ+ community - really I think that I might be getting in over my head, so my apologies if I have caused offence.

zapper55

I was told recently that an ally means someone who isn't LGBTQ +, but supports them. So she is straight and sound and was chatting to you.

Dude just ask her out.

JustAThought

Dont overthink it BUT it was a work networking event. Not a dating event.people go to make business contacts. Were yiu there representing your company? I'd by all means be friendly but don't push the boundaries -work is work -don't add a complication to your job. She was chatty and nice at a networking work event - this does NOT mean she is sexually interested in you. Be nice and keep going. And an LBGT badge in a work context could well mean she is gay. What kind of red flag do you need as a sign? Bad combination for first time dater - by all means be professional and conversational but don"t go for romance or dates here imo. Great that you met, connected snd got along with someone but this was a work focused be nice to strangers event - not a dating event. There are plenty of meetup.com and social dating events for that. Dont mix them up.

Marlon Blando

JustAThought wrote: »

Dont overthink it BUT it was a work networking event. Not a dating event.people go to make business contacts. Were yiu there representing your company? I'd by all means be friendly but don't push the boundaries -work is work -don't add a complication to your job. She was chatty and nice at a networking work event - this does NOT mean she is sexually interested in you. Be nice and keep going. And an LBGT badge in a work context could well mean she is gay. What kind of red flag do you need as a sign? Bad combination for first time dater - by all means be professional and conversational but don"t go for romance or dates here imo. Great that you met, connected snd got along with someone but this was a work focused be nice to strangers event - not a dating event. There are plenty of meetup.com and social dating events for that. Dont mix them up.

I don't get this fear. You meet someone at work, you click, but you're too afraid to do anything because? She'll cry to boss and try to get you fired?

That's just sad. If Yoyou u meet some you like, go for it, because there's plenty of other lads who will.

JustAThought

Marlon Blando wrote: »

I don't get this fear. You meet someone at work, you click, but you're too afraid to do anything because? She'll cry to boss and try to get you fired?

That's just sad. If Yoyou u meet some you like, go for it, because there's plenty of other lads who will.

He didnt get chatting with someo e natrually at work - it was a networking work event. Not a date. He seems to think because she spoke and was friendly to him that it had romantic undertones or dating potential. This is why companies have sexual harassment policies and appropriate behaviour guidelines . No doubt he wont be the first inexperienced person to fall flat in work because the mistook professional interest or conversation for romance buthe needs to distinguish personal from work. This was a business networking event - nota blind date. Appropriate workplace behaviour. And in answer tohis qurstion -yes, taking itfurther in a romance orientated way would be creepy.

ILoveYourVibes

No its not creepy.

Either she says yes or no...

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their replies - the dating world is such a minefield really that my stepping back seems to be almost justified - there are so many opportunities both to cause offence and step over boundaries. Unfortunately I cannot read the signals that would open a "romantic" approach in whatever environment I may find myself in.

It would be best to face facts that I don't really have much to offer a woman at 40+ and try just to live my life as best I can- as a lot of the posters say on here, work on yourself first.

LegacyUser

I have another update - I downloaded Tinder this evening and the person in question came up on it - I swiped right. The ball is in her court (assuming that she remembers me of course...) If I hear nothing back, I will put it down to experience and move on.

pwurple

Forever Single wrote: »

I have another update - I downloaded Tinder this evening and the person in question came up on it - I swiped right. The ball is in her court (assuming that she remembers me of course...) If I hear nothing back, I will put it down to experience and move on.

What! No it's not. Maybe I'm being naieve here, but this isn't a clear enough message. Is that how it works?

Good gravy, just send her a message would you?

skallywag

I guess only you know best OP, but I see nothing in what you wrote which would suggest that she was in any way interested in your in a non-professional context. In former times you would swap business cards with someone and then perhaps drop a 'nice to meet you' line some time after. These days connecting on LinkedIn tends to be the way to go for a lot of folk, but actually asking someone out via LinkedIn is not something that I would ever do, and I would advise caution on that for the sake of your professional reputation.

Twitter on the other hand, why not.

Gregor Samsa

Forever Single wrote: »

I have another update - I downloaded Tinder this evening and the person in question came up on it - I swiped right. The ball is in her court (assuming that she remembers me of course...) If I hear nothing back, I will put it down to experience and move on.

I never used Tinder and aren't part of their target demographic, but I don't think the "ball is in her court" just because you swiped right. You actually need to make contact with her and express your interest for that to happen. That she's on Tinder is a great sign in itself - at least you know she's looking to meet people, and you're not pinning your hopes on someone who's just not available.

You could easily contact her via Tinder - she's actively expecting people to contact her that way, so is not creepy at all. Introduce yourself as the guy at the networking event - you immediately have some common ground which is half the battle when looking to interact with someone in any scenario.

As a general rule, don't use LinkedIn for trying to initiate personal relationships - people like to keep it strictly business in there. Twitter is fine, and Tinder obviously is totally made for it.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Best of luck.

qwerty13

For a start, it was a business event. A networking thing, where people are nice to each other, with an ulterior business based motive.

Don’t contact her except for professional reasons on LinkedIn. It would be creepy and sleazy to do otherwise.

If she gave you her business twitter, it would also be creepy and sleazy to contact her on that fir non professional reasons. If she gave you her personal twitter account, that’s different.

Tinder is obviously non business. Do whatever you want to do on that. Including contacting her and making reference to how you met her at a work type setting. I do think that thinking it’s solely up to her after you swiped on her is very passive tho.

.......

Its interesting how many people find it "creepy" or "sleazy" to contact someone to ask if they want to meet for a coffee.

There is a middle ground between meeting professionally, and meeting romantically. You can just have a friendly coffee with someone that is neither romantic nor professional. Sometimes that can lead to romance. Or to a professional win.

But asking someone if they want to meet for coffee, on ANY platform, is neither creepy nor sleazy.

I am regularly asked to meet for coffee over LinkedIn by recruiters or marketeers. Yes - its for professional reasons. But if I meet one and he then asked me out because he was digging my action I would be flattered, NOT think he was creepy or sleazy.

Have we reached peak snowflake here that people find a coffee invite creepy?

qwerty13

I’m presuming, dotty, that you were directing that at me.

If I was asked to meet a professional contact or recruiter for coffee, I would expect that to be on a professional footing. Look at me with my expectations of being treated as a professional. And yes, I would consider that creepy and sleazy if someone came on to me in that setting. And less than professional of them.

There is some room for that being different if it was someone I knew quite well - but for someone I’d met once, at a professional networking event, then I’m afraid I’d have to go full on shockingly snowflake and admit that I would find it both creepy and sleazy.

.......

qwerty13 wrote: »

I’m presuming, dotty, that you were directing that at me.

If I was asked to meet a professional contact or recruiter for coffee, I would expect that to be on a professional footing. And yes, I would consider that creepy and sleazy if someone cane on to me in that setting. There is some room for that being different if it was someone I knew quite well - but for someone I’d met once, at a professional networking event, then I’m afraid I’d have to go full on snowflake and admit that I would find it both creepy and sleazy.

I would not consider someone asking me if I wanted to meet for a coffee to be "coming on to me".

Perhaps we have different definitions of what constitutes coming onto someone.

IMO:
Asking to meet for coffee - not coming onto someone.
Meeting for coffee and having a friendly chat - not coming onto someone.
Ending friendly coffee chat with polite enquiry to meet again - not coming onto someone.

As in any area of life, you proceed by getting to know someone a little before indicating a romantic interest.

I really dont see how any of that can be considered sleazy or creepy in the slightest.

Asking someone out isnt creepy. It becomes creepy if you say no and the person keeps asking.

Oh and BTW - I wasnt just directing my previous post at you, but again, its interesting you think I was given the post content.

Would you think it was creepy if a married or otherwise unavailable person you met at a networking event asked you out for a coffee?

qwerty13

Meeting a fellow professional for a chat about our mutual profession / business opportunities, all good.

Using a professional networking event or platforms to meet someone briefly encountered once as an excuse to come on to them, really not good.

.......

qwerty13 wrote: »

Meeting a fellow professional for a chat about our mutual profession / business opportunities, all good.

Using a professional networking event or platforms to meet someone briefly encountered once as an excuse to come on to them, really not good.

If your definition of coming onto someone is asking them to go for a coffee then you are possibly misreading ordinary life situations on a regular basis.

I go for lots of coffees with lots of different people, both professionally and non professionally and I certainly never feel that the invite itself is someone coming onto me.

qwerty13

Dotty, I think you’re misreading my posts.

I didn’t say that having coffee was creepy or sleazy.

I didn’t say that meeting a professional colleague / contact on for coffee on a professional basis was creepy or sleazy.

I did say that using a professional setting in order to meet a newly encountered contact to come on to them is both creepy and sleazy.

.......

We will have to agree to disagree qwerty, in my world people are still people in professional settings and friendships and romantic relationships can develop from professional contacts. My own marriage being one of them, and many others I know.

qwerty13

I agree Dotty; it’s the bit about using a contact encountered once in a professional setting in order to further that ‘romantically’ (or ‘come on to them’) that does not sit well with me at all.

As I said, if they knew the person quite well, that would different.

Gregor Samsa

Ruraldweller56 wrote: »

<snip>

Surely you mean "her", not "it"?

You've highlighted the bit about the LGBT ally badge. Why would you advise staying away from someone for wearing a badge?

milli milli

qwerty13 wrote: »

Tinder is obviously non business. Do whatever you want to do on that. Including contacting her and making reference to how you met her at a work type setting. I do think that thinking it’s solely up to her after you swiped on her is very passive tho.

Yes agree. Please message the girl OP. There are references here and there in your posts where you don’t want to rock the boat because ‘dating is a minefield’ but with dating, you have to be brave and go after what you want. I (and a lot of women) find men who go after what they want very attractive. Sitting around waiting for the right moment, second guessing, it won’t get you anywhere. Yes it’s scary to put yourself out there and you do risk rejection, but if you don’t do anything, then the answer will be ‘No’ anyway.

So be brave, send a message, be light and breezy. If she doesn’t reply - no worries - you’re on Tinder, plenty more fish in the sea!

Nikki Sixx

If you have never been in any relationship before I’d thread lightly, you are probably reading far too much into this encounter. Maybe don’t contact her as you don’t have any experience. Could you work on your interactions by going on some online dates? I hate to break it to you but you will be well out of your depth with this girl and she will spot this from 1000 yards.

Forever Single

Forever Single wrote: »

It would be best to face facts that I don't really have much to offer a woman at 40+ and try just to live my life as best I can- as a lot of the posters say on here, work on yourself first.

OP I don't need to know you to know you've as much to offer as anyone else. Everyone has value. Think of the things you want out of a relationship - surely you'd plan to give those same things to the other person? If you can see the value in getting love and companionship from someone else, don't forget that this is what you can offer the other person too. It's a two-way street.

I'd throw the 'work on yourself first' stuff out the window. Nobody's perfect.

As for knowing the signals for when it's okay to ask someone out - it's rare to spot a sure-thing. It's always a gamble, always a risk, and at least with this person you met via networking so it's not someone you're going to have to see every day if it doesn't pan out. I would suggest that if you're ever going to ask someone out and you're really unsure of whether they're into it, do it via text (not LinkedIn, that should be reserved for work so in this case Twitter is a better bet) and call it a date. This gives her time to think, and allows her to be honest if she's not looking for anything romantic.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input true-or-false - I suppose its a habit I fall into easily, not adequately valuing myself and what I would have to bring to a potential relationship. I suppose I was viewing it more economically - viewing what I had to offer as devalued considering my age and lack of relationship experience when compared to others who would be in the market for a significant other.

The right swipe on Tinder was not reciprocated and as she does not use Twitter much, the message was left unread, so I can move on.

Nikki Sixx

Forever Single wrote: »

Thanks for your input true-or-false - I suppose its a habit I fall into easily, not adequately valuing myself and what I would have to bring to a potential relationship. I suppose I was viewing it more economically - viewing what I had to offer as devalued considering my age and lack of relationship experience when compared to others who would be in the market for a significant other.

The right swipe on Tinder was not reciprocated and as she does not use Twitter much, the message was left unread, so I can move on.

Lesson learned and move on from it. An inexperienced guy will read romantic meaning into every interaction with a woman. Better get out there, go on dates, learn about how it all works. Best of luck.