Marriage is over but I don’t know how I can leave.

AstroGem

My marriage is over, but I can’t see a way for us to actually end it.
I’m a stay at home mum, gave up my job to stay at home with the kids as it was financially the best option.
We don’t own a home, we’ve rented for the last 10yrs. We can barely afford to pay the bills we have, let alone run two households.
I’m struggling to think of a way to find work for myself that won’t end up costing me money, kids would need childcare in the afternoons, school holidays etc. We are both in our 40s, I don’t have the qualifications to walk into a decent paying job, I worked in the hospitality and public sector before the kids came along. Ive done a few interviews recently and gotten nowhere, my age probably doesn’t help, along with such a gap in my cv.
I live in a small town so jobs are few and far between
I just feel stuck in this marriage that I don’t want to be in anymore and can’t see any logical way out that doesn’t leave us both financially worse off which will impact the kids.

Many things have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, he worked abroad for a few years which I think was the start of the disconnect, I was home here with a small baby and he was home maybe three times a year. Since he moved home he’s been in and out of work, racked up a lot of debt unbeknownst to me, which has only come out as we attempted to apply for a mortgage. It’s now looking like we will never own a home and the instability of renting is not helping our situation, we’ve had to move 4 times in as many years because of landlords selling up or moving back in.

Our last child was a difficult baby and we’ve essentially been in separate rooms for the last 4yrs.
I’ve lost respect and desire for him, he’s told me so many lies that I no longer trust him, and gotten us so deep into this financial mess by making stupid decisions and ignoring letters from banks etc.
I feel like I’m parenting him as he won’t step up and be an adult and deal with the problems at hand.
I’ve no idea what to do.
Accept that this is my life now and just put up with it? For the next 40yrs?

I made a mistake last year and had a short lived relationship with an ex boyfriend, who was also married. It ended for various reasons, not of our own doing, but it made me realise what I’m missing in my marriage, affection, intimacy and just feeling close to someone.
The affair didn’t cause the problems, it happened because I was feeling neglected and alone and this guy made me feel like I mattered again.
It wasn’t the right thing to do, for either of us, but it happened because neither of us were happy where we were.
He’s moved on and is working on his marriage, but I just can’t seem to repair mine. As much as I try.
And I’m not sure I want to try anymore. I’ve been to counselling but my husband hasn’t tried to do anything to change his behaviour, and still continues to lie about money, despite assuring me he wouldn’t.
I just don’t know what to do for the best.
Any advice?

trg

AstroGem wrote: »

<Snip>

Stop having affairs

See how that goes

Locker10a

trg wrote: »

Stop having affairs

See how that goes

I don’t really blame the OP, the marriage was over long ago, it’s clearly just financial burden that’s keeping them under the one roof.

AstroGem

trg wrote: »

Stop having affairs

See how that goes

Affairs? One mistake with a man who made me feel loved when my own husband has slept in another room for the previous 3years and that’s the reason for my marriage breakdown?
Insightful! Thanks for the advice!
I’ll be sure to take it onboard and see if it magically solves everything!

Ursus Horribilis

Are there any part-time or distance learning courses you could do to upskill? Something like that, plus having someone look at your CV might help. I agree that you're in quite a bind at the moment but I wouldn't write you off just yet. Raising a family is nothing to be sneezed at. And perhaps you could do with quietly going for some legal advice about what your rights are?

FishOnABike

Continue to go to counselling for yourself, it may help you cope with the current situation.

It sounds as if financial problems are very much at the core of your problems. Finances are one of the major causes of marriage breakdown.

Breaking up will not make those financial problems disappear. If anything it will exacerbate them and make them more difficult to resolve. It is quite possible any debts are joint so neither of you may be able to just walk away from them.

Were finances the reason why your husband worked abroad for a few years ? Was it difficult for him to get work here at the time ? Is his current difficulty getting consistent work down to the same circumstances ?

You don't say how the debt arose, if it was from trying to maintain an unsustainable family lifestyle or whether it was selfishly frittered away on himself.

Has the debt at least stopped being added to (apart from interest on what's already owed)? If current spending is under control it may be possible to work your way out of debt - contact MABS to discuss what the options are. Depending on the size of the debt some sort of agreement with creditors or a personal insolvency plan might be worth considering.

You can let life's problems break you apart or, if you can cooperate to help resolve them, make you stronger.

Kidchameleon

Was your husband abroad in order to provide for his family? Would he rather have been at home? I think you are being hard on him. Is the lack of intimacy just his fault or have you at times witheld it? You say he is not trying to fix the marraige, have you told him about the affair? Because if not, it means you are not trying your best either. You say he was dishonest about finances, you were far more dishonest by cheating imho. Would you rather he was having an affair behind your back? You say he is acting like a child and needs to act like an adult, well my advise would be to start acting like an adult yourself. Everything in your post diverts all responsability onto him. You signed up to be an equal partner in the marraige, everything that goes wrong is your fault as well as his. That is what being an adult is all about, taking responsibility. Why are you waiting until 40 to get a mortgage? Thats crazy, why didnt you sort that years ago? Why do you have young children if the finances are so bad? You should have joined the workforce, act like a partner to him.

I have noticed you gave a snarky reply to another poster but look, you have come here for honest advise, people here are going to give it to you. So take it on board, we are trying to help your family.

Please tell him about the affair, remember how betrayed you felt when you found out about the debt, you are being a hypocrite by keeping this from him.

All that being said, I wish you and your family the best.

AstroGem

I don’t want to give too much information that may be identifiable.
We lived abroad because he wanted to try it, it didn’t work out, I moved home as eldest was due to start secondary school, with him due to follow within weeks. He stayed abroad another 3years.
He didn’t actively try to find work here to enable him to come home. And obviously no one was going to hand him jobs he wasn’t even applying for.
Eventually a year after our dd was born he finally moved home.
He walked out of every job he got after he moved home, made those decisions without any consultation with me, even though those decisions affected both of us and our family income.

The debt was built up as he attempted to work for himself, because he didn’t want to apply for jobs in Dublin as he didn’t want to commute, so that limited his job options severely for his area of work.
He took out credit cards and business loans, again without my knowledge, and racked up thousands which he was incapable of paying back. He then chose to start ignoring the debt, didn’t engage with the bank etc.
We couldn’t apply for a mortgage any earlier because he didn’t have a consistent work record, and his stint at self employment delayed it even further.
Had I been made aware of what he was doing I could have advised against it or made some sort of plan to sort it.
He didn’t give me that opportunity. He also relied heavily on bailouts from his parent, who over the years was his fallback meaning he never really had to take responsibility for his mismanagement of his finances. Until his parent passed away and that fallback was gone. That’s when things started to spiral out of control.
The debt was certainly not as a result of maintaining a lavish lifestyle!( We haven’t been on a holiday in 8years, very rarely go out. My car is nearly 10yrs old. I buy and sell clothes, kids toys etc on Adverts, and have just started a small business from home, it won’t pay the bills but it’s something.)

He used it to fund business trips, which I first heard of when he was at the airport ready to leave! I would get a text message at 7am telling me he was about to fly to wherever, he’d have left home hours before and didn’t even have the decency to tel me the day before, week before, whatever. This happened many many times, and each time was going to be the last time.
Where’s the respect for me as his wife?

I find it hard to have respect for someone who has had no respect for me in the decisions that have affected our whole family.
This happened way before the affair, and as I’ve said already, the affair wasn’t the cause of our problems, but a symptom. I used it as an antidepressant of sorts.
My counsellor advises me not to tell him about the affair as all it does is relieve me of any guilt and pass on pain to him.
We are both guilty of lies in different ways, I’ve no idea what he was getting up to the three years he was abroad on his own, and I honestly don’t care.

What I can’t see is any way back to any sort of fulfilling relationship.
I don’t love him, I don’t want to be intimate with him, in my eyes he’s not the same person I married anymore, and I’m not the same person who married him.
We’ve grown apart and are making each other miserable staying together.
I don’t want the kids growing up in an environment of constant sniping and bitching at each other, and separate rooms, what is that teaching them about healthy relationships?
And then there’s the 3 week stints of silent treatment I get when I try to force a discussion which ends in a row because I’m nagging. The silent treatment doesn’t end until i back down, and the topic of the argument is brushed under the carpet until the next time.
What id love is advice from someone who has been in a similar situation who managed to leave, and how.

It’s very easy to say work at it, you’re partners, you signed up for this, but when you’ve had your trust chipped away at for years it’s very hard to see past that, and very hard to try and love someone that you can’t bear to look at anymore.

Im certainly not blameless in any of this, and don’t claim to be, but does that mean that I should just just shut up and not be angry or upset with his shortcomings in the relationship? Just because mine are deemed worse?
I should also state this is his second marriage, his first wife walked out on him after 2yrs of marriage and an 8yr relationship. So I feel guilty about potentially putting him through another divorce also, but I can’t stay through pity.

AstroGem

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Are there any part-time or distance learning courses you could do to upskill? Something like that, plus having someone look at your CV might help. I agree that you're in quite a bind at the moment but I wouldn't write you off just yet. Raising a family is nothing to be sneezed at. And perhaps you could do with quietly going for some legal advice about what your rights are?

Thank you, I’m going to look into that.
It’s a lack of self confidence about reentering the workplace after so long I think. I’m not sure I really have much to offer a potential employer as it stands.
I can’t work in my old career in hospitality due to back issues since the kids, and the lack of childcare for evening and weekend work.
I feel I’m just hitting a wall with every idea I try to come up with.

WrigleysExtra

You're in a pretty crappy situation OP. If you've lost respect, desire and trust in him then I'm not sure you could ever get that back no matter how much counselling you get. As a previous poster has said, you need to start looking at up skilling yourself and re-joining the workforce.
Have you any family members that you could move in with on a temporary basis while you find your feet?

Emme

OP it's best not to tell him about the affair but from what I've seen in the thread the affair is a symptom of something very wrong in your marriage. Ignore the posters who say you are at fault for cheating. I don't condone affairs but your marriage seems to have been a marriage in name only for a very long time.

Your OH doesn't seem to be able to take any responsibility and he didn't show commitment to your marriage when he stayed away for so long after you came home (you said he told you he would come home in a few weeks). Hiding credit cards, loans etc. from you is just as bad as having an affair.

Is or was he living a sort of a double life/imaginary life? The "business" trips abroad, all the debt he kept hidden from you, living abroad for 3 years after you had gone home.

You may be a stay at home mum but are there any courses you can do online? Take one step at a time. Work towards getting a life for yourself again and ending the marriage if you want to do that.

AstroGem

Emme wrote: »

OP it's best not to tell him about the affair but from what I've seen in the thread the affair is a symptom of something very wrong in your marriage. Ignore the posters who say you are at fault for cheating. I don't condone affairs but your marriage seems to have been a marriage in name only for a very long time.

Your OH doesn't seem to be able to take any responsibility and he didn't show commitment to your marriage when he stayed away for so long after you came home (you said he told you he would come home in a few weeks). Hiding credit cards, loans etc. from you is just as bad as having an affair.

Is or was he living a sort of a double life/imaginary life? The "business" trips abroad, all the debt he kept hidden from you, living abroad for 3 years after you had gone home.

You may be a stay at home mum but are there any courses you can do online? Take one step at a time. Work towards getting a life for yourself again and ending the marriage if you want to do that.

Thank you! Your compassion has made me cry 😢

I know it’s easy for people to look at someone’s relationship from the outside and have an opinion of what went wrong and how it can be fixed. It’s a very different story when you are living it everyday, living without even a physical touch or hug from the person who is supposed to be your world and you theirs.
I spend all day alone with the kids, and every evening alone together on opposite sides of the room. It’s slowly breaking me down.
I just want to be happy, not to wake up everyday wishing I didn’t wake up.

Thanks for all your advice. It means a lot.

nikkibikki

Have a look on Fetch Courses, there might be some courses you can do for free with your local ETB. You are returning to education so you also may be entitled to free childcare for these courses so ask around your local creches or after school clubs.

You put up with a lot more than I could from your husband so hat's off to you for sticking with him this long.

Good luck.

DubCount

OP. I think that the main item to address is the financial one. Unless you become financially separated, you will never be in a position to draw a line in the sand and move on. There will always be the chance that he will take on additional debt etc., which could end up back impacting on you. I thinks the suggestion of MABS is an excellent one. You need to get to a start point where efforts to retrain etc. can be for your own benefit, and not just a way to solve his financial problems as well.

xElDeeX

Not ignoring the relationship issues but have a look at Springboard +
It lists courses that are free to the unemployed or heavily discounted for those in full time employment and they are aimed at areas where the economy needs more qualified people. Many of the courses are online or blended and vary from a few months to a couple of years.
I did an MSc through it this year and my classmates were from every possible background and level of experience. You sound like you need a new start and something positive to focus on so this could help.

linpoo

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You are still young and plenty of good years ahead for you and your children.

I just want to add that as you are renting, if you separated and he moved out you could apply for rent allowance if you couldn't afford the rent on your own. Also, if you managed to get a job working at least 20 hours a week you can apply for FIS/ WFP, also there is childcare grants available.
I just want to show you that you have options there and don't need to stay in a miserable situation for financial reasons.
Also i'm not sure what part of the country you are in but there are charitable run organisations that provide free courses and some will pay towards you doing a evening course in a college.

One step at a time though, 1st thing is to sort out separating your finances, get your own bank account if you don't have 1. Get everything sorted for yourself before ending the marriage and then build yourself back up from there.

Don't forget, it will be sh!t for a while.....but then it will get better!

Big Bag of Chips

You could look into doing an SNA course. They are usually part-time and through the course and work placement you could be lucky and end up with a job working school hours. This would allow you to work and cut out the need for childcare. There are people in your situation all over the country who manage to separate.

You need to start the conversation with your husband, though.

Tiddlypeeps

Do you have any family you could stay with for a bit while you find your feet?

This man is doing nothing for you, he isn't even providing financially, he is just getting you deeper and deeper into debt and making you miserable at the same time. And since he is not keeping you informed it could be (and probably is) much worse than if you were on your own getting yourself into debt. Legally separating from him is the highest priority as he is just digging you deeper and deeper into a hole.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

Just on the affair which you did a great job of minimising in your initial post, hidden in amongst the paragraphs of his wrong-doing.

Your ex-boyfriend making you feel special again etc.....That's nonsense, it's like any new relationship, you're all over each other, it's all so exciting. To compare that with any long-term relationship or marriage, or expect that any relationship is going to be like that for any significant period of time is madness.

I could probably try and wrap my head around all of the things you say your partner has done, spending, working abroad, quitting jobs....it just points to someone who's impulsive, imature and maybe a little entitled (refusing to commute to work).

Cheating however, is a different kettle of fish, it undermines the entire relationship, breaks down the trust more than a secret credit card application or quitting a job without your permission.

It sounds like neither of you are living in the real world.

If you were all set to buy a house and you couldn't because of his debt then presumably you had savings? Can these go some distance towards clearing his debt?

At the same time as your partner being irresponsible he has also managed to keep you and your children with a roof over your head (albeit in rentals), food in your bellys and all the other luxurys of life that many don't have.

Yes, it was/is his rightful responsibility and you had the burden of childcare but you have to accept that he was probably under pressure to keep the family together and your heads above water, perhaps the debt, credit card etc were to facilitate this.

Have you ever tried to see this from his perspective as it doesn't really read like you have?

Tiddlypeeps

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP,

Just on the affair which you did a great job of minimising in your initial post, hidden in amongst the paragraphs of his wrong-doing.

You must have skipped over the bit where the OP and her husband had been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 years prior to the affair and the only reason OP hasn't left is because she is financially shackled to this man. Calling that a marriage is just semantics and calling what she did an affair is also just semantics. The relationship with the husband is long over and they both seem fully aware of it.

Brow beating the OP over having an "affair" in this scenario is completely ridiculous and not at all helpful to anyone involved.

LazySamaritan

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP,

Just on the affair which you did a great job of minimising in your initial post, hidden in amongst the paragraphs of his wrong-doing.

Your ex-boyfriend making you feel special again etc.....That's nonsense, it's like any new relationship, you're all over each other, it's all so exciting. To compare that with any long-term relationship or marriage, or expect that any relationship is going to be like that for any significant period of time is madness.

I could probably try and wrap my head around all of the things you say your partner has done, spending, working abroad, quitting jobs....it just points to someone who's impulsive, imature and maybe a little entitled (refusing to commute to work).

Cheating however, is a different kettle of fish, it undermines the entire relationship, breaks down the trust more than a secret credit card application or quitting a job without your permission.

It sounds like neither of you are living in the real world.

If you were all set to buy a house and you couldn't because of his debt then presumably you had savings? Can these go some distance towards clearing his debt?

At the same time as your partner being irresponsible he has also managed to keep you and your children with a roof over your head (albeit in rentals), food in your bellys and all the other luxurys of life that many don't have.

Yes, it was/is his rightful responsibility and you had the burden of childcare but you have to accept that he was probably under pressure to keep the family together and your heads above water, perhaps the debt, credit card etc were to facilitate this.

Have you ever tried to see this from his perspective as it doesn't really read like you have?

What are these "luxurys of life that many don't have"?

Where does the OP say anything negative about her husband or blame him for any of this?

suicide_circus

start divorce proceedings, get a maintainance order on your husbands earnings, either get him to move out or go to the council and register as homeless, start looking for ANY employment and get your self esteem back.

Up Donegal

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

You must have skipped over the bit where the OP and her husband had been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 years prior to the affair and the only reason OP hasn't left is because she is financially shackled to this man. Calling that a marriage is just semantics and calling what she did an affair is also just semantics. The relationship with the husband is long over and they both seem fully aware of it.

Brow beating the OP over having an "affair" in this scenario is completely ridiculous and not at all helpful to anyone involved.

Exactly. The OP has enough on her plate without this 'affair' being thrown at her.

Flixer

My heart is going out to you. It's incredibably difficult and it wears you down like nothing else in this world. I don't advise you to tell him abou the 'affair' if you do..then your situation will only get worse. It's done, it's over. Yes it wasn't ideal, but give yourself a break. Loneliness is a killer and it sounds like that is exactly what you are going through. I'm in the middle of separting, I have 2 young kids and the minute the wheels started to come off the cart I went back to full-time work. Now my situation is very different in that I was always working and have a v flexible employer, but I would recommend that you start to look for part-time work. You need to charge of your finances ASAP...it's so difficult...there are days I find it hard to put one foot in front of the other, but I'm hopeful this will get easier. If moving out isn't an option then imagine you were 100% free and start acting that way in your relationship. e.g. study, get a p/t job, crack into business, start minding kids etc. start exercising, get glammed up, eat.

I started to do all these things once I knew it was coming to an end and it has helped me enormously...I am back running, wearing makeup, working 5 days and seeing friends. Yes my heart is smashed..but it's about getting through each day...If I can do this, so can you. Please go easy on yourself. You are not alone...massive hug x

AstroGem

Flixer wrote: »

My heart is going out to you. It's incredibably difficult and it wears you down like nothing else in this world. I don't advise you to tell him abou the 'affair' if you do..then your situation will only get worse. It's done, it's over. Yes it wasn't ideal, but give yourself a break. Loneliness is a killer and it sounds like that is exactly what you are going through. I'm in the middle of separting, I have 2 young kids and the minute the wheels started to come off the cart I went back to full-time work. Now my situation is very different in that I was always working and have a v flexible employer, but I would recommend that you start to look for part-time work. You need to charge of your finances ASAP...it's so difficult...there are days I find it hard to put one foot in front of the other, but I'm hopeful this will get easier. If moving out isn't an option then imagine you were 100% free and start acting that way in your relationship. e.g. study, get a p/t job, crack into business, start minding kids etc. start exercising, get glammed up, eat.

I started to do all these things once I knew it was coming to an end and it has helped me enormously...I am back running, wearing makeup, working 5 days and seeing friends. Yes my heart is smashed..but it's about getting through each day...If I can do this, so can you. Please go easy on yourself. You are not alone...massive hug x

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement, they mean a lot.

Yes that’s the decision I’ve made now, to start setting myself up independently and go from there. I’m going to take charge of my own finances, let him deal with his debts, put the whole house/mortgage issue out of my head and work towards building up savings for myself so I can down the line hopefully qualify for a loan by myself as my credit history is immaculate.
Essentially we will live apart together, if that makes sense. It’s the only viable option available to me right now.
I’m just going to take a break from worrying about everything and start living day to day. I’m just so tired dealing with all this for the last few years, I don’t have anything left to put into it, so I just need to stop.
I feel like I’m parenting him as well as the kids, and I just can’t do it anymore.

Fiftyfilthy

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

You must have skipped over the bit where the OP and her husband had been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 years prior to the affair and the only reason OP hasn't left is because she is financially shackled to this man. Calling that a marriage is just semantics and calling what she did an affair is also just semantics. The relationship with the husband is long over and they both seem fully aware of it.

Brow beating the OP over having an "affair" in this scenario is completely ridiculous and not at all helpful to anyone involved.

So it’s ok to have affairs with married men as you’re own marriage failed

No single men to have some fun with ?

Anyway my advice would be mabs, upskill and work on your self esteem

Ursus Horribilis

So how is moralising about how affairs are wrong going to help? I bet the OP is so sorry she mentioned the affair because that's all some people seem to be able to see here.

Fiftyfilthy

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So how is moralising about how affairs are wrong going to help? I bet the OP is so sorry she mentioned the affair because that's all some people seem to be able to see here.

I gave advice to her situation re Mabs and upskilling

The op stated this in her post, if it was not relevant then she wouldn’t have posted about it

Wonder how sympathetic the ones posting here about being a ‘poor thing ‘ regarding the affair would be , if she was seeing your husband behind your back ?

Big Bag of Chips

The OP has come requesting advice on how to change her situation. It's a sad fact of life that relationships and marriages break doiwn all the time for any number of reasons. Advise on what she can do, please. Advising on what she should or shouldn't have done is irrelevant now. It's done.

AstroGem

Fiftyfilthy wrote: »

Wonder how sympathetic the ones posting here about being a ‘poor thing ‘ regarding the affair would be , if she was seeing your husband behind your back ?

I would hope they would apportion the blame equally between the two of us. But that rarely happens, as it’s always the woman’s fault.

Just to clarify, he was the one who came to me, he crossed the line that turned our relationship from emotional to physical, he saw an opportunity and he made that decision off his own steam. And I made my decision too.
And that’s the last I’ll say about it.

Fiftyfilthy

AstroGem wrote: »

I would hope they would apportion the blame equally between the two of us. But that rarely happens, as it’s always the woman’s fault.

Just to clarify, he was the one who came to me, he crossed the line that turned our relationship from emotional to physical, he saw an opportunity and he made that decision off his own steam. And I made my decision too.
And that’s the last I’ll say about it.

always the womens fault?

Here we go ....

Best of luck

Big Bag of Chips

Yellow for FiftyFilthy for ignoring moderator instruction. Personal Issues is an advice forum, and heavily moderated. Please familiarise yourself with the Forum Charters before posting in Personal Issues and Relationship Issues again.

Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked at OP’s request.