ex wont let me move my daughter out of dublin but i cant afford to stay

sarahg89

Hi all
So I have set up a new account to post this as anon.
Why... honestly because I am a little embarrassed

I am under legal aid. My case has been ongoing almost 2 years with no court date set yet and im losing my mind

I am going to court with my ex for cohabition

We were together 15 years and have a daughter who is 3. Since the split we still live in the same house. People almost don't believe that we are not together but we certainly are not. In fact he hasn't actually spoken to me in over a year. I am serious. The impact this have on me is awful. I am stuck... I am in a part time job and have literally no money. He doesn't contribute to his daughter. I pay all childcare and her food clothes activities etc. Do all the dropping off and picking up and he (despite not being a bad father) does or contributes nothing. If I could afford to move out I would.

I understood the house we live in is ours. He has other ideas and feels its only his. Whatever he did the mortgage is in both our names and the house only his.

My family are a few hours away. Since I started the case (to sort out the house) they don't speak to me. I have no support

After a lot of hope a court date would come but hasn't I have decided to give up my job of over 20 years and move back to my parents. At 40 plus I never dreamt I would be in this situation but if I stay I will either have a breakdown or be done for murder!

So... I tell my ex I am moving. He is now taking me to court for guardianship of our daughter (I will not contest this) and to stop me from moving.

What the f do I do. I really don't want to walk away from my job and home but me and my daughter deserve a life!!

Any advise?
Or when do you think legal aid will get me a court date.

Stressed to the max

cursai

What's his side of the story?

topmanamillion

First off you need to see a solicitor. You have custody and home ownership issues.

Why would you not contest him applying for guardianship?
You absolutely should. He can have visitation rights on the condition he starts paying maintenance.

The mother of a child born outside marriage has automatic sole custody. He can't stop you moving out of the house with your daughter. So if you've got somewhere lined up. Wait until he's at work or put of the house for a while and leave.
It is worth considering if leaving would have an impact on your rights to the home but in custody terms you can leave right now. This would be one of many issues you need to consult a solicitor with.

Also put all your income and outgoing together and have clear proof that you are 100% the sole provider for your daughter. Likewise for your contribution to the mortgage.

As for the house, you'll have cohabitation rights and again you'll be able to prove you were contributing to the mortgage.
He's dreaming if he thinks having it in his name means it's his.

sarahg89

cursai wrote: »

What's his side of the story?

he loves his daughter
but would rather I was dead. his words. he would love me to just go away and leave her with him yet he never lifts a finger to help. he lives the bachelor life doing what he wants and when. out every sat and sun. no interest in doing anything with her
super controlling.
is happy to continue as we are as she is in the house with him but its a toxic enviroment

sarahg89

topmanamillion wrote: »

First off you need to see a solicitor. You have custody and home ownership issues.

Why would you not contest him applying for guardianship?
You absolutely should. He can have visitation rights on the condition he starts paying maintenance.

The mother of a child born outside marriage has automatic sole custody. He can't stop you moving out of the house with your daughter. So if you've got somewhere lined up. Wait until he's at work or put of the house for a while and leave.
It is worth considering if leaving would have an impact on your rights to the home but in custody terms you can leave right now. This would be one of many issues you need to consult a solicitor with.

Also put all your income and outgoing together and have clear proof that you are 100% the sole provider for your daughter. Likewise for your contribution to the mortgage.

As for the house, you'll have cohabitation rights and again you'll be able to prove you were contributing to the mortgage.
He's dreaming if he thinks having it in his name means it's his.

i am under legal aid but its been 2 years trying to sort it and it doesn't seem to move forward at all. and i cant take it anymore.

Bitches Be Trypsin

You've just said your family don't speak to you since you began legal proceedings, yet you are going to live with them? That doesn't make any sense?

Mrs OBumble

Contact Women's Aid. What he's doing is emotional violence.

lawred2

Why have your own family abandoned you?

ceadaoin.

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Contact Women's Aid. What he's doing is emotional violence.

And making you pay for everything for your child to the extent that you are living in poverty while he has plenty of disposable income is financial abuse. You need to get him to pay maintenance. I'm not sure if you should leave the house though until your legal position has been clarified

cursai wrote: »

What's his side of the story?

What does that have to do with it? The Op is the one who came here looking for advice. No doubt he is dad of the year and an evil woman is trying to take his child away from him. And when the judge looks at the circumstances and awards custody to the parent who is the primary caregiver (usually the mother) it will be discrimination again fathers. That's always the story anyway.

Assetbacked

You should be able to get him to pay maintenance for his daughter and I would recommend you take the steps to do this straight away, notwithstanding you have your cohabitation case forthcoming. He may also be required to pay you maintenance. While you can do this yourself through the family law office (there are online resources which are very helpful), you could also visit FLAC for advice.

Do you feel intimidated by him in the house or is your personal safety an issue because of him? If so, would suggest you look into what can be done with a solicitor or, again, with FLAC. Check online for the useful resources for this issue.

topmanamillion

sarahg89 wrote: »

i am under legal aid but its been 2 years trying to sort it and it doesn't seem to move forward at all. and i cant take it anymore.

Why are you waiting on that?
You told your ex you're moving. Just move out.
Court cases can be going on in the background.

sarahg89

Bitches Be Trypsin wrote: »

You've just said your family don't speak to you since you began legal proceedings, yet you are going to live with them? That doesn't make any sense?

i mean my exs family when i said that,

my family of course are very supportive.

sarahg89

I am with legal aid in /Mod[ deletion/ Everything was moving nicely then my solicitor moved jobs and its been so slow ever since. Very little has happened in the past 6 months even so much as an update from them to me despite phone calls and emails they are rarely returned.


i was initially advised to stay in the house pending my cohabitation case but after close on 2 years im really losing my mind. He is covering the mortgage now and because of that he doesn't do anything else despite being on at least 6 times my salary. I am not asking for money for hair and nails. i would like money for food! to mind my daughter!


Living in the same house is just toxic. my family are a few hours away so to move to them will mean leaving my job (ive been in it 20 years) so its not an easy decision but what do i do. On a part time salary i barely cover childcare never mind a suitable home for my child. of course i know I can work more hours but its really not that easy without any support.

sarahg89

topmanamillion wrote: »

Why are you waiting on that?
You told your ex you're moving. Just move out.
Court cases can be going on in the background.

he says he wont let me take my child that far away

Evd-Burner

Every one is saying to go for child maintenance etc. Just remember that he will only be ordered to pay what he can afford and it will be extremely long and tedious trying extract anything from the value of the home.

ceadaoin.

sarahg89 wrote: »

he says he wont let me take my child that far away

Well if he is not willing to pay anything towards his child's costs when she lives with him then is he really likely to fork out for a solicitor to stop you and risk losing anyway? It's probably an empty threat designed to intimidate you into staying in a ****ty position but obv only you can decide that. Check it, but as far I know, if there is no custody order in place then you are free to move anywhere, once you aren't leaving the country. Even if there is an order in place you are still free to move and come up with arrangements for him to see his child and fulfill the custody agreement.

jimmycrackcorm

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Contact Women's Aid. What he's doing is emotional violence.

This is a bit of an exaggeration, especially as we only hear one side of the story.

Op, if you aren't married then there's nothing to do you taking your daughter and moving down to your family. He will have to go for guardianship but also will have to pay towards maintenance.

Addle

If he’s paying all the mortgage, then he is paying to keep a roof over his family’s heads.
Dreadful situation OP, but he’s not paying nothing.

nuac

Mod
You should consult your solicitor on your situation.
Have deleted identifying information

doiredoire

Contact Womens Aid. Number is 1800 341900. Its a freephone number so wont cost you anything.

Before you ring have a list of questions you want the answers to.

Best of luck

.......

Move back to your parents with your daughter. The court case about the house can continue to happen, you dont need to be living in the property for that to go ahead. Particularly if it is having a negative effect on you and it is obviously going to be having a negative effect on your daughter too once she is old enough to perceive the toxic environment.

Totally ignore all threats and forms of manipulation from your ex. He can deal through the courts and solicitors.

SusieBlue

Leave with your daughter when he is out on the sesh or at work. Do not be manipulated into staying by this abusive bully.

If he contacts or threatens you, contact the Gardaí and get a barring order against him. Keep a record of everything, particularly texts where he has been threatening or abusive. Refuse to communicate with him outside legal channels.

If your name is on the mortgage and the house was purchases with that mortgage, then surely you are entitled to your half? I wouldn't take his word for it that the house is only in his name.
Either way that's a problem for another day.
The issue at hand is the toxic environment you and your child are in, and you need to get out.

He has called the shots for long enough, you have put up with more than many women would. Time to put yourself first.
Look after yourself, best of luck to you and your little one x

AulWan

Do you contribute towards the mortgage, groceries and bills in the house you currently share?

It doesn't matter if he earns six times what you do, he is only obliged to cover half his child's costs, and you are obliged to cover the other half. If he is paying more of the mortgage / bills then you, this would be seen as a contribution (in kind) towards maintaining his child.

Regarding guardianship, if he has lived with his child for 3 years and is involved with her life then there is no doubt he will be awarded joint guardianship, that's if he does not have it automatically already. The law changed not so long ago which gave unmarried fathers who lived with their children more rights when it came to guardianship.

As a guardian, he has as much right to a say in where your child lives as you do. I'm sorry for your troubles, but you can't just presume you can move away and take your child with the consent of her other parent.

What would you say if the shoe was on the other foot, and he was moving away and taking her away from you?

AulWan

topmanamillion wrote: »

The mother of a child born outside marriage has automatic sole custody. He can't stop you moving out of the house with your daughter.

Not anymore.

Source: Treoir.ie - Fathers

2. Satisfying the cohabitation period

A father who lives (cohabits) with the child’s mother for at least 12 consecutive months including not less than 3 months after the child’s birth, will automatically be the guardian of his child. The three months period does not have to take place directly after the birth of the child. It can be fulfilled any time before the child turns 18 provided that it is part of the 12 consecutive months during which the parents have lived together. The cohabitation period can only be calculated going forward from the commencement date of the Children and Family Relationships Act 2015. This means that guardianship will only be acquired automatically where parents live together for at least 12 months after the 18th of January 2016.

Tombo2001

Am surprise - from a legal perspective - that the names on the deeds of the house are different to the names on the Mortgage.

If its his mortgage solely, and you have been chipping in along the way; that is different.

Anyways, I have huge sympathy to be honest for both of you. The reality is that he cant afford to move any more than you can, and he is probably/ possibly terrified of losing access to his child. Its a horrible situation.

.......

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Am surprise - from a legal perspective - that the names on the deeds of the house are different to the names on the Mortgage.

You wouldnt be able to draw down a mortgage like this, but if one person bought the house and the other moved in later and was added to the mortgage it might come out this way.

Im not sure if it would still happen - but it used to be more common pre recession.

Tombo2001

SusieBlue wrote: »

Leave with your daughter when he is out on the sesh or at work. Do not be manipulated into staying by this abusive bully.

If he contacts or threatens you, contact the Gardaí and get a barring order against him. Keep a record of everything, particularly texts where he has been threatening or abusive. Refuse to communicate with him outside legal channels.

If your name is on the mortgage and the house was purchases with that mortgage, then surely you are entitled to your half? I wouldn't take his word for it that the house is only in his name.
Either way that's a problem for another day.
The issue at hand is the toxic environment you and your child are in, and you need to get out.

He has called the shots for long enough, you have put up with more than many women would. Time to put yourself first.
Look after yourself, best of luck to you and your little one x

OP has said the atmosphere in the house is Toxic. I have absolutely no doubt it is.

However, it is completely your inference that the partner is an abusive bully.

The partner has a child that he presumably loves. He is faced with the prospect of that child not just being taken away from the house; but from the city where he lives. Why shouldnt he challenge that?

You are saying to OP:
Where childcare is concerned....ignore the courts, ignore the law.....take off.

Where house ownership is concerned....you are legally entitled! Get a solicitor!

Cant have your cake and eat it too.

.......

Tombo2001 wrote: »

However, it is completely your inference that the partner is an abusive bully.

I would think that the fact that the OP is struggling to feed herself and her daughter while her ex partner is able to go drinking is pretty abusive.

Food is a basic necessity of life.

Tombo2001

....... wrote: »

I would think that the fact that the OP is struggling to feed herself and her daughter while her ex partner is able to go drinking is pretty abusive.

Food is a basic necessity of life.

I've only scanned down through it - but I didnt see a bit where OP doesnt have enough to eat.

There are many household bills.

Food is one of them.

There is also mortgage, electricity, gas, car, phone, internet, insurance. Does the partner pay none of those? At all?

OP does the drop offs.

Where one partner is full time, and the other is part time - it is not unusual that the part time partner does the drop offs?

EDIT - I'm not taking anyone's side here. But I just dont like the jumping to conclusion that is going on.

SusieBlue

Tombo2001 wrote: »

OP has said the atmosphere in the house is Toxic. I have absolutely no doubt it is.

However, it is completely your inference that the partner is an abusive bully.

The partner has a child that he presumably loves. He is faced with the prospect of that child not just being taken away from the house; but from the city where he lives. Why shouldnt he challenge that?

You are saying to OP:
Where childcare is concerned....ignore the courts, ignore the law.....take off.

Where house ownership is concerned....you are legally entitled! Get a solicitor!

Cant have your cake and eat it too.

OP is struggling to support herself and her child, OP is doing all the childcare. The ex partner won't help despite them not having enough to eat and does little to no parenting of the child, and goes out all weekend.
He doesn't pay maintenance or contribute towards the costs of their child.
He has told OP he wishes she was dead.

This would give me the impression he actually isn't all that interested in the welfare of his child, and is using said child as a means to exert control over OP.
He knows remaining in the house is making her miserable, therefore he is manipulating her into staying.

The atmosphere is toxic, there is no benefit in staying in the house together. Why would he want OP to stay, unless it was to make her miserable? Especially if she has no claim to the house as he says, why would he leave her live there?

If he had the best interests of his child at heart he would be doing everything he could to ensure a good joint custody arrangement could be come to that would benefit them both.

He isn't willing to play ball or communicate, so OP has no choice but to leave and go down the legal route.

Someone certainly wants to have their cake and eat it, but its not the OP.

AulWan

....... wrote: »

I would think that the fact that the OP is struggling to feed herself and her daughter while her ex partner is able to go drinking is pretty abusive.

Food is a basic necessity of life.

The op works part time, and presumably also receives the monthly child benefit payment (and ECCE?) for the child, so I doubt she is starving.

In cases like these, there are always two sides to the story and the truth usually lies somewhere in between both.

The OP actually said in her first post that he is a good father.

Tombo2001

SusieBlue wrote: »

OP is struggling to support herself and her child, OP is doing all the childcare. The ex partner won't help despite them not having enough to eat and does little to no parenting of the child, and goes out all weekend.
He doesn't pay maintenance or contribute towards the costs of their child.
He has told OP he wishes she was dead.

This would give me the impression he actually isn't all that interested in the welfare of his child, and is using said child as a means to exert control over OP.
He knows remaining in the house is making her miserable, therefore he is manipulating her into staying.

The atmosphere is toxic, there is no benefit in staying in the house together. Why would he want OP to stay, unless it was to make her miserable? Especially if she has no claim to the house as he says, why would he leave her live there?

If he had the best interests of his child at heart he would be doing everything he could to ensure a good joint custody arrangement could be come to that would benefit them both.

He isn't willing to play ball or communicate, so OP has no choice but to leave and go down the legal route.

Someone certainly wants to have their cake and eat it, but its not the OP.

Maybe I am blind.

Where is the bit about him being out all weekend? and about OP not having enough to eat?

I just cant see it.

As I pointed out - food is one of MANY bills in a house. OP is paying for food. What about the rest of them.

Captain Chaos

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Maybe I am blind.

Where is the bit about him being out all weekend? and about OP not having enough to eat?

I just cant see it.

As I pointed out - food is one of MANY bills in a house. OP is paying for food. What about the rest of them.

In post number 4

Tombo2001

sarahg89 wrote: »

he loves his daughter
but would rather I was dead. his words. he would love me to just go away and leave her with him yet he never lifts a finger to help. he lives the bachelor life doing what he wants and when. out every sat and sun. no interest in doing anything with her
super controlling.
is happy to continue as we are as she is in the house with him but its a toxic enviroment

Apologies all.

I missed this post.

Yes, this is abusive.

salmocab

AulWan wrote: »

The op works part time, and presumably also receives the monthly child benefit payment (and ECCE?) for the child, so I doubt she is starving.

In cases like these, there are always two sides to the story and the truth usually lies somewhere in between both.

The OP actually said in her first post that he is a good father.

Nobody receives ECCE it goes to a crèche, a child receives a place in a crèche or other childcare facility, there is no cash.

AulWan

The OP said he was out every Sat and Sun. She did not mention it was to go drinking.

If the atmosphere in the home is as toxic as she describes, then he probably goes out to escape the atmosphere.

Instead of automatically jumping to the conclusion that he is the villain of the piece, maybe consider that he is most likely just as miserable and caught in this situation is the woman is.

Only with the added threat that his former partner is threatening to remove his child, (that the OP states he loves and is a good father too) and move her hours away from him.

red petal

Although it would be extremely hard, I would up and leave. If you are not working, you will not need to use childcare until you get another job. He cannot stop you moving out especially if he is not there when you do it. Sounds like he has no intentions on taking you seriously while you are there. He seems very controlling and that's really not a good environment for your child.

.......

sarahg89 wrote: »

He is covering the mortgage now and because of that he doesn't do anything else despite being on at least 6 times my salary. I am not asking for money for hair and nails. i would like money for food! to mind my daughter!

This is where the OP said she would like money for food.

AulWan

salmocab wrote: »

Nobody receives ECCE it goes to a crèche, a child receives a place in a crèche or other childcare facility, there is no cash.

Fine, the ECCE payment goes to the creche, reducing the overall childcare cost.

Swings and roundabouts.

So the OP pays for part time child care, and with a three year old, presumably with ECCE deduction.

SusieBlue

AulWan wrote: »

The OP said he was out every Sat and Sun. She did not mention it was to go drinking.

If the atmosphere in the home is as toxic as she describes, then he probably goes out to escape the atmosphere.

Instead of automatically jumping to the conclusion that he is the villain of the piece, maybe consider that he is most likely just as miserable and caught in this situation is the woman is.

Only with the added threat that his former partner is threatening to remove his child, (that the OP states he loves and is a good father too) and move her hours away from him.

She can't stay there forever, the current arrangement isn't working for anyone.
Everyone is unhappy.
She only works part time and she can't afford Dublin rent on that income.
Bar going to live with her parents, what other possible solutions are there?

OP would appear to be the main caregiver of the child so leaving the child with dad while she goes home to her parents isn't even an option, because presumably he works while OP does the creche drop offs/pick ups.

If he was willing to negotiate and compromise I'm sure they could have come up with an amicable solution to suit all (OP even said she doesn't object to guardianship) but he won't communicate.

I really don't see what other options there are bar leaving with the child.

DellyBelly

If he is beating you then I think you need to just move. You really shouldn't put up wit hthis and neither should your child. Look after yourself.

dusty bin

sarahg89 wrote: »

he loves his daughter
but would rather I was dead. his words. he would love me to just go away and leave her with him yet he never lifts a finger to help. he lives the bachelor life doing what he wants and when. out every sat and sun. no interest in doing anything with her
super controlling.
is happy to continue as we are as she is in the house with him but its a toxic enviroment

the bolded part above is pretty serious. Whether it was said as a passing comment or a actual threat, its still very serious. I'm sorry, but i'd be onto the guards.

Tombo2001

....... wrote: »

This is where the OP said she would like money for food.

Indeed.

What I read into this, is that OP would like her partner to contribute to food costs, which is different being in a position where she is hungry and doesnt have access to food.

Her partner might turn around and say - well I pay for a hundred other things......why should I pay for that too.

Tombo2001

dusty bin wrote: »

the bolded part above is pretty serious. Whether it was said as a passing comment or a actual threat, its still very serious. I'm sorry, but i'd be onto the guards.

Its a tricky one.....the guards come and visit; have a word with yer man.

OP is still living there the next day. A toxic situation gets more toxic.

I dont have experience in these matters; but I would be thinking Womens Aid as a first port of call.

salmocab

AulWan wrote: »

Fine, the ECCE payment goes to the creche, reducing the overall childcare cost.

Swings and roundabouts.

So the OP pays for part time child care, and with a three year old, presumably with ECCE deduction.

She might be dropping to a child minder with no ECCE, not sure if she said. Anyway as with all these threads all people can do is take them at face value. If the OP is lying about things then any advice she gets is bad and she’s wasting her own time, however if she is telling the truth she is more likely to get good useable advice. Not much good will come of saying there are two sides, everyone knows there is but in the absence of the other side everyone will offer advice on what they’ve read.

AulWan

SusieBlue wrote: »

She can't stay there forever, the current arrangement isn't working for anyone.
Everyone is unhappy.
She only works part time and she can't afford Dublin rent on that income.
Bar going to live with her parents, what other possible solutions are there?

OP would appear to be the main caregiver of the child so leaving the child with dad isn't even an option, because presumably he works while OP does the creche drop offs/pick ups.

If he was willing to negotiate and compromise I'm sure they could have come up with an amicable solution to suit all (OP even said she doesn't object to guardianship) but he won't communicate.

I really don't see what other options there are.

Why isn't Dad having day-to-day custody and mother having access rights an option? Many single mothers work full time and have day-to-day custody of their children and nobody questions that. So why not a father? The default position should be 50:50, but that is not possible if the child lives hours away.

The OPs partner is not stopping her from moving away, he is stopping her from taking their child with her. Emphasis on their.

In the father's shoes, I would definitely take it to court to prevent my child being taken away.

OP even said she doesn't object to guardianship?!?

Well how very gracious of her!

Guardianship is not hers to give or remove. This is equally his child too and given the change in the law in 2015, he already has guardianship.

Tombo2001

I think - with apologies to OP - we have all been a bit distracted with aspects of what she has said.

The core point being made is:

OP has decided to move back to here parents. He is objecting.

Your question - to remind people - is 'what the f. do I do'?

Maybe ask the question differently. What specifically do you want to know?

.......

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Indeed.

What I read into this, is that OP would like her partner to contribute to food costs, which is different being in a position where she is hungry and doesnt have access to food.

Her partner might turn around and say - well I pay for a hundred other things......why should I pay for that too.

Well if the OP works part time and pays all child related expenses and the ex earns 6 times as much as her, I think it is a reasonable inference that she is struggling financially.

I mean, she is using legal aid and cannot afford to move out and clearly states that she would like help with food and childcare.

Why would anyone who lives in a shared environment with their ex and child not make ANY financial contribution to childcare and groceries when they earn so much more than the part time working partner - if not to use it against them? Financial abuse is abuse.

On top of telling her he would prefer if she were dead - its a very bleak picture.

.......

AulWan wrote: »

Why isn't Dad having day-to-day custody and mother having access rights an option?

It would be very unusual in Ireland for a mother not to be given full custody, particularly in light of the things that have been posted.

SusieBlue

AulWan wrote: »

Why isn't Dad having day-to-day custody and mother having access rights an option? Many single mothers work full time and have day-to-day custody of their children and nobody questions that. So why not a father? The default position should be 50:50, but that is not possible if the child lives hours away.

The OPs partner is not stopping her from moving away, he is stopping her from taking their child with her. Emphasis on their.

In the father's shoes, I would definitely take it to court to prevent my child being taken away.

OP even said she doesn't object to guardianship?!?

Well how very gracious of her!

Guardianship is not hers to give or remove. This is equally his child too and given the change in the law in 2015, he already has guardianship.

I would presume if that were possible or indeed if Dad actually wanted that he'd have put plans in motion to have that arrangement in place by now.

He'd have reduced his hours to involve himself in the childcare so that a judge would look favourably upon a man who was making a good case for having sole custody.
OP has said he lives a batchelors lifestyle so I'm not sure how full time parenting would fit in with that.
Regardless, she's doing all the donkey work. She's paying for everything and doing all the childcare and rearing, so why should she be the one with weekend access?

Thus far, it seems he is completely inflexible and not offering any compromises, just a blanket "you're not taking my child" with no consideration for the toxic environment in the house, or what the plan going forward for the future would be.
He doesn't seem bothered. Its all about control.

If he actually wanted to resolve the issue I'm sure by this point (over 2 years) he'd have played ball and offered at least one solution they might be able to agree on but it seems no.
He wishes her dead but won't let her go? OP has no choice but to leave.

CelticRambler

Sounds like both parents need time apart from each other, and it sounds like the OP needs to go for a long walk on her own in the mountains or somewhere well-removed from what has become her everyday life. So find a way to do that on the cheap, give the father a week's notice, and tell him that that's how it's going to be from now on if he looks for 50-50 custody.