Cheating

MiliMe

Just wondering if there are many out there to have had a partner cheat and decided to stick with the relationship.
I was and i did and i am still struggling with it a little. It happened a couple of years ago.
There are still times when it pops into my head and i can't think of anything else, i become a little consumed with it. Its like its just happened.

How have you managed to forgive and forget??

kingstevii

MiliMe wrote: »

Just wondering if there are many out there to have had a partner cheat and decided to stick with the relationship.
I was and i did and i am still struggling with it a little. It happened a couple of years ago.
There are still times when it pops into my head and i can't think of anything else, i become a little consumed with it. Its like its just happened.

How have you managed to forgive and forget??

Even the score.

Maggiesm70

I found out my ex was cheating on me I saw texts coming in from a ‘male’ I thought he was gay or bi turned out he was seeing another woman and had her listed under a mans name

Things were going downhill anyway and this was the nail in the coffin

I cheated once during the marriage with a 1 night stand and was so guilty and remorseful over it that it nearly gave me depression

If the relationship is strong it’s possible to get over it and move on but everything needs to be out in the open

MiliMe wrote: »

Just wondering if there are many out there to have had a partner cheat and decided to stick with the relationship.
I was and i did and i am still struggling with it a little. It happened a couple of years ago.
There are still times when it pops into my head and i can't think of anything else, i become a little consumed with it. Its like its just happened.

How have you managed to forgive and forget??

lunamoon

Well for me it would totally depend on the circumstances and the woman in question. Was it some randomer on a drunken night out or a colleague or neighbour or something?

MiliMe

lunamoon wrote: »

Well for me it would totally depend on the circumstances and the woman in question. Was it some randomer on a drunken night out or a colleague or neighbour or something?

It was sexting (i hate that term). It happened one night with a girl he knew from a hobby while he was away with work.
How i found out was through a joint ipad, saw a message from him asking her for more pictures which was apparently the next morning.
I think that he asked for more the next morning makes the whole thing so much worse and harder for me to get over.
Ill be doing fine for ages then something will remind me of it and it'll be like its just happened all over again.

lunamoon

I put cheating into categories: a stupid mistake or calculated. I’d put what he did in the latter category.

Texting the next morning after is actually worse. He had time to sleep on it, cop himself on and start the next day on a clean slate but no, he did it again. It also wasn’t a random girl. It was someone he knew.


TBH I probably couldn’t forgive that. It would always be on the back of my mind. It would easier to forgive a one night stand with a randomer that he didn’t know rather than him doing something more than once with someone he did know. I’d always be wondering if he only stopped because he got caught or if he only stopped with that person and still had a few others on the go.

When it’s calculated like that i’d think “once a cheater, always a cheater”.

Sorry

Neyite

Not sure it would survive a drunken thing but at least then you have an excuse of a lapse of behaviour to reassure yourself it was a one-off or out of character for someone and it might be worth thinking about seeing if you could forgive. Something that happens sober, I don't think I could, no.

acorntoast

It starts with flirting, then secret conversations, then spending time alone, then going back to a hotel, then to taking off clothes, then having sex. At so many points they knew what they were doing was wrong, but they choose to keep doing it, so I can't get behind the "mistake" excuse.

ginandtonicsky

It sounds like you need to work through these issues, ideally both as a couple and then individually. It's a cliche but I really do think couples counselling would be a pretty important step here. If he wasn't willing to dedicate the necessary time and energy to repairing the relationship and being totally honest about his motives I'd consider it a major red flag.

Trust is the linchpin around which a healthy relationship will grow, without that you're just p**sing in the wind IME. Building it up again after it's been eroded through something pretty devastating as infidelity is hard but necessary work.

Airyfairy12

I think it really depends on yourself, your partner, the relationship and what the circumstances were that led to the cheating, sometimes people make silly mistakes.
I was in a relationship with someone who cheated and I decided to stay with him, it was a complete disaster and I wish I had of just left in the beginning but the circumstances were different, he was a serial cheater and just couldnt be trusted.
My best friend kisses other men on nights out when she gets a bit of drink into her, she just cant help herself. Her partner seems to be aware of this but they always seem to work through it and they have a strong relationship.

Everyones different.

You need to figure out were your boundaries lie, communicate with your partner and go to couples counselling if you need to.

Rosepetals85

With my personal experience No, the trust is gone. The thoughts of them would eat away with me. Rather to be single then unhappy. But everyone is different

ksceniaonegina

Cheating is always a choice. Walk away and find someone who truly respects and deserves you.

Salthillprom

Yes I think it can survive but only as long as it's out in the open. And if you truly love your other half. Or fall back in love with him.. Or him you.

2 fast

I just don't understand why serial cheaters even get into relationships, instead of breaking someone's spirit just stay single & have casual hook ups. TBH I dint get cheating at all

Segotias

As someone who is on the receiving end of cheaters...that is, I'm the one getting messages from attached men looking to hook up. I will never understand why they do it. I've asked them and got a variety of responses from their relationship isn't what it seems, they're in an open relationship. To one who's told me they wouldn't cheat but if I was willing they'd go there.

I don't believe for a second I'm the only one they're trying it on with, I'm not that special.

If it were the other way around and a partner cheated on me I don't think I could forgive and forget as I've seen how flippant some men are in relation to cheating

skallywag

Segotias wrote: »

...To one who's told me they wouldn't cheat but if I was willing they'd go there...

That makes no sense at all?

Segotias

skallywag wrote: »

That makes no sense at all?

He said he wouldn't cheat but if I was willing to hook up, he would.

Doesn't make a huge amount of sense to me either, then again neither does being in a relationship and wanting to screw around

skallywag

Segotias wrote: »

He said he wouldn't cheat but if I was willing to hook up, he would.

He does not sound like that sharpest knife in the drawer (-:

Segotias

skallywag wrote: »

He does not sound like that sharpest knife in the drawer (-:

More like a chancer trying to back track when told I wasn't interested being a bit on the side :mad:

JP Liz V1

MiliMe wrote: »

It was sexting (i hate that term). It happened one night with a girl he knew from a hobby while he was away with work.
How i found out was through a joint ipad, saw a message from him asking her for more pictures which was apparently the next morning.
I think that he asked for more the next morning makes the whole thing so much worse and harder for me to get over.
Ill be doing fine for ages then something will remind me of it and it'll be like its just happened all over again.

Was his cheating only "sexting"?

I do think once the trust is gone, better to walk away as paranoia will take over and that helps no one

krysiapearson

How have you managed to forgive and forget??

After staying in the relationship for a year and a half after, we broke up. 10 years later we met up and i felt almost releived that I hadn't stayed in the relationship and had time to change my life and do things that I would have never done when I was with him.

GET OUT!

MiliMe

krysiapearson wrote: »

How have you managed to forgive and forget??

After staying in the relationship for a year and a half after, we broke up. 10 years later we met up and i felt almost releived that I hadn't stayed in the relationship and had time to change my life and do things that I would have never done when I was with him.

GET OUT!

We have a family together so i wanted to give the relationship a shot. He has done everything possible to make me feel more secure in the relationship which is good.
Our lives have carried on normally enough though there are times (sometimes alot of times) when the things i saw in the texts pop into my head from nowhere and i can spiral a bit if i don't catch myself and tell myself not to focus on them.
Its hard sometimes but i am trying to be positive and believe that what happened was a stupid mistake.

Jenneke87

Some mistake. If you can get over it you're a better person than me..

HotMama89

I left! also had a family together but I just knew the trust was gone and I didn't want to end up a paranoid wreck always wondering what he was doing when he wasn't home or on a night out and I would be eaten up by that. Was very hard for a while but my life has improved dramatically.I now look on it as the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot about myself.

I have since met someone else who I am very happy with and who I trust completely so I haven't carried any mistrust or paranoia with me thankfully.

I hope it works out for you and he appreciates the effort and trust you are putting into this to get things back on track.

MissDisaster

MiliMe wrote: »

It was sexting (i hate that term). It happened one night with a girl he knew from a hobby while he was away with work.
How i found out was through a joint ipad, saw a message from him asking her for more pictures which was apparently the next morning.
I think that he asked for more the next morning makes the whole thing so much worse and harder for me to get over.
Ill be doing fine for ages then something will remind me of it and it'll be like its just happened all over again.

I was in the exact same situation two years ago. literally. Found a load of flirty text on a shared ipad that was linked to his phone. Raised the issue with him and told him to quit it.
Fast forward two months later I walk in on them kissing in a bar. Stupidly, I stayed in the relationship for another 6 months. Kept telling myself itd get better when in fact I was developing a pretty bad eating disorder and was extremely depressed.

I understand you have kids so it'l be more of a headache for you but honestly.... Kick him the f**k out.

You deserve better and to find someone who worships you the way you deserve to be loved.

Plenty more fish in the sea besides his thirsty ass.