Partner Weight Gain

LegacyUser

Hello all. Going unreg for this. My wife and I are married nearly ten years now. She has always had a bit of weight to lose but nothing out of the ordinary. The past 12 months however she has piled on additional weight and is now very noticeably at least a couple of stone overweight to the point where it is having a detrimental effect on her self esteem and our relationship.

I am very reluctant to bring this up as I realise it is a super sensitive topic but she has broached the subject herself numerous times acknowledging that she has gained weight and needs to do something about it. I simply said that yes I had noticed and that I will do anything I can to support her. That seems to be where it ends until she brings it up again.

In terms of her habits and diet we were probably both quite unhealthy when we met, ate a poor diet with lots of take aways and didn’t exercise etc. I have changed this completely but she is still living that life. She skips breakfast and eats lunch at work, she claims that she gets a healthy lunch but I really don’t know. I bring a healthy packed lunch to work and have offered to make her one too but she always declines the offer. I am a keen cook and nearly always cook the family dinner which is the standard meat and two veg, salads in summer, stew, bolognese, curry or whatever. I always try to cook the healthiest version I can from scratch and have loads of cookbooks about healthy eating. If I’m not there to cook she will usually treat the kids to chipper food or frozen pizzas or something.

I think what’s really catching her is the treats and junk food in the evenings. I go to the gym a lot of evenings and when I come back there is usually sweet or crisp wrappers in the bin, or both. She will regularly go to the shop and come back with a big haul of treats, I have asked her to stop doing this more than once because the kids always find them and will pester us incessantly for junk food when they know it’s there. She’ll stop for a week or two but then it’s back to square one. Our fourteen year old son has also put on a bit of weight, mainly as a result I suspect. Any time I am in her car the side pockets are stuffed with crisp packets and chocolate wrappers as well.

I would also add that she is quite sedentary and has turned in to a couch potato over time. I like to go walking and cycling and have often invited her along but she is always tired, not feeling well etc so I gave up.

We don’t make it home to visit family often but we visited her family last month and they got a bit of a shock when they saw her in the flesh, several of her siblings commented on her weight and again she acknowledged the issue and said she intends to do something.

She is a grown adult and needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour but I know she is not happy, I feel she is stuck in a rut and needs help. I’m also a bit annoyed about the negative effect on our children tbh as she is always giving them sugary rubbish when she is having it herself.

Is there anything I can do in your experience to gently encourage better habits? Her sister had great success using slimming world and there is one in our town but she seems reluctant to go. Exercise might be a bridge too far for now.

I really don’t want to make a big deal and make her feel worse but I feel that if she doesn’t do something soon she will be huge and it’s very hard to come back from that. I’d appreciate some thoughts or if anybody has had similar experience they might share?

woodchuck

OP has anything else of significance happened in the past 12 months? It's possible that the weight gain is symptomic of something else. Obviously we can give as much advice as possible about trying to encourage her to eat healthier, exercise more etc, but if there is another underlying root cause, I think you'd be better off starting there and the rest will fall into place.

LegacyUser

If you're going to the gym "a lot of evenings", & both your wife& 14yo son have piled on weight in your absence, there's a lot of emotional/comfort eating going on. Happy content people do not binge eat on junk. They may be lonely, unhappy, bored?

The weight gain by your wife son is a cry for help. You need to prioritise your family over the gym,& stay in that household every evening until you get to the root of the issue. Be supportive , offer help with homework, sit together for supper- just be around & in the way in the nicest possible sense.

Emme

OP if she has gained a lot of weight in a short time and is lethargic she might have a heath issue such as underactive thyroid. She should see a doctor and get this checked out.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

OP has anything else of significance happened in the past 12 months? It's possible that the weight gain is symptomic of something else. Obviously we can give as much advice as possible about trying to encourage her to eat healthier, exercise more etc, but if there is another underlying root cause, I think you'd be better off starting there and the rest will fall into place.

No not really. Like I said her weight has been creeping up for years but it’s like in the last 12 months or thereabouts she has thrown her hat at it and lost any will to control her eating. I can’t pinpoint a particular event or change that might have triggered this.

I’m at a loss because if this continues she will no doubt have a host of emotional and health problems that go along with being heavily overweight. She knows that she has an issue but has yet to take that first step and even if she does she has such a sweet tooth that I think any meaningful progress would be difficult. It’s something that has me increasingly worried the past while.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

It sounds like her habits are impacting everyone at this point. She's several stone overweight, your children are eating too much junk food, your 14-year-old is overweight, and it's affecting your marriage.

The question she should be asking is less "What am I going to do about my weight?" but "What am I going to do about the unhealthy eating habits that are affecting my entire family?"

She needs to understand that this isn't just about her -- that it's about the health and wellbeing of the entire family.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP if she has gained a lot of weight in a short time and is lethargic she might have a heath issue such as underactive thyroid. She should see a doctor and get this checked out.

Thanks. Like I said I am reluctant to bring it up myself but if / when she raises the topic again I will suggest a full health screening before doing anything else.

To be honest I doubt it’s a genuine health issue. She lives a sedentary life with a significant calorie surplus I would imagine. I think that is the explanation. She eats a lot of junk food, the extent of the issue probably didn’t fully come across in my OP.

I’m also not sure that she is genuinely tired or lethargic. That’s just what she says when I suggest going for a walk if she doesn’t want to come.

It’s a good suggestion though and perhaps going to the doctor may give her the incentive she needs to take action.

LegacyUser

Xxccc wrote: »

If you're going to the gym "a lot of evenings", & both your wife& 14yo son have piled on weight in your absence, there's a lot of emotional/comfort eating going on. Happy content people do not binge eat on junk. They may be lonely, unhappy, bored?

The weight gain by your wife son is a cry for help. You need to prioritise your family over the gym,& stay in that household every evening until you get to the root of the issue. Be supportive , offer help with homework, sit together for supper- just be around & in the way in the nicest possible sense.

The gym is literally across the road so I’m gone three evenings a week for just over an hour, and that’s after dinner, homework and all the other stuff is wrapped up. It’s a social outlet for me as well as something I enjoy doing for myself. My wife was eating bad food before I started doing this I might add. If my wife wants to take up something similar she is very welcome to and I have actually suggested to her in the past that the gym I go to does Zumba classes etc and she should give it a go.

I started the thread asking for suggestions as to how I might approach the issue. I don’t think that eliminating a healthy activity that I enjoy is the answer. I try to keep the kids active too and regularly bring them swimming and on cycles, hikes etc. My wife has zero interest in these activities unfortunately.

I accept that she is possibly bored and unhappy. She doesn’t seem to have any interest in doing anything except Tv or cinema etc. I’d be a bit more outgoing and open to new things.

milli milli

OP do you reckon the weight gain is affecting your wife’s self-esteem? How does she feel about her body? Does she wear baggy, dowdy clothes or does she get dressed up?
You don’t have to answer this here, but how is your love life? Do you have a healthy sexlife? Is she self-conscious during sex (covering up, lights off, only wanting to do certain positions)? Or has the frequency changed since the weight gain?
Are you still attracted to her?

I’m one of those lucky women who’s never put on much weight throughout my life but I know what it’s like to not feel comfortable in your body. And it affects all aspects of your life.
It could be a vicious cycle for your wife - she wants to lose weight, she knows she needs to go to the gym. But maybe the thoughts of being unfit & sweaty and being around gym-bunnies is too much for her. So she seeks comfort in the junk food.
You probably need to sit down with her and approach it from a health perspective. Say you are worried about her health and you’re worried about your children’s health too. Tell her you know it must be hard trying to lose a considerable amount of weight, but you will help and support her.
Your wife says she’s too tired for a walk but exercise is known to increase energy so you can tell her that.
Anyone who changes their eating and activity habits for the better, nearly always espouses the benefits of the healthier lifestyle.
It is just getting her to start that’s the issue (and keep it up).

I would have the chat with her and start with small baby steps. I would put the foot down with the junk food in the house. Get rid of it. The wonderful thing about healthy eating is there a tonne of recipes out there where you can find healthier versions of treats. Make those instead, have healthy treats in the house (ones you make yourself, not shop-bought, ‘healthy’ treats) so at least she will have something sweet to satisfy her cravings.
She needs to have a breakfast - it’s been proven that skipping meals just leads to weight gain. If she can’t face one, then something light like a banana and some almond milk.

Get her out for walks, increase the speed, duration, go to the outdoor gyms in the park. The fitter she gets, the more you can do, the weight will start to fall off, she might start going to the gym with you, she might start doing the Zumba classes. With your encouragement and understanding, she can do this.

LegacyUser

mili mili yes she dresses down in baggy clothes most of the time but will still get dressed up the odd time of she is going out with her friends or work colleagues.

It certainly is effecting her self esteem, it’s only natural. She is conscious of her weight and has brought it up with me several times. I have suggested that we go to a dietitian as a family, that she does some fitness classes or go to slimming world, all of which she agrees with but she won’t follow through. I tried booking the dietitian a few times but she keeps putting it off citing the cost. We are not badly off so I don’t see this as a major issue, rather an excuse.

Sex life is still ok but yes she is more reluctant to be naked with the lights on, again a very natural thing for someone who is overweight. Tbh I have to initiate this end of things but that has always been the case really as she is a bit reserved in that department. She does get in to it during the deed though, or at least she does a good job pretending!! I must admit I do find her less attractive and the weight a turn off, I feel bad saying that but it’s the truth I’m afraid.

I have tried to put the foot down with the junk food but like I said in the OP she will stop for a while before slipping again. As for getting her out for walks and activities believe me I’ve tried. She avoids it like a trip to the dentist. I suppose I have given up at this stage.

One of the issues I feel is that she has no hobbies, she was a real party animal when we met and we both enjoyed weekends away, nights out etc. Now that that part of her life is mostly gone I think she is struggling to replace it. I don’t know, I started the thread because I’m a bit lost as to what to do.

Segotias

OP a lot of what you are saying about your wife is resonating with me personally. I'm overweight and single, I believe that no one would be interested in me based on how I look so have stop trying.

I am working on losing weight but its a frustrating battle due to a slight side issue.

I can understand why you wife may be constantly putting off the inevitable, cost aside I'd imagine there is a degree of embarrassment on her behalf. Looking in the mirror alone wondering why you've let yourself get in that shape never mind doing a class etc can have a huge effect on self worth.

Personally I do go the the gym and have been sorting out by food after being ill. I'm hoping it slowly comes together.

Does your wife have any friends who would be similar or be looking to lose weight or tone up. This may be a better incentive that going with you...no offence but she mightn't want to slow you down/let you down if she can't keep up.

With regard to the junk drawer its been said, it really has to go for the sake of your child, your wife is a grown woman who ultimately is responsible to herself, your children are both your responsibilities and the last thing I'd imagine you want your child to go through is growing into an adult with weight issues and all that goes with it. Despite what people say, you are judged a lot based on physical appearance in particular weight.

It may be time to be cruel to be kind if only for the sake of your child, surely your wife can see the impact on you child.

Tiddlypeeps

There is something wrong with your wife either physical or psychological (sounds much more likely to be the latter based on your description of her behaviour).

You can't force her to change if she doesn't want to, but you need to put more pressure on for the sake of your children. You can't let her away with how her behaviour is negatively affecting your children. You need to stop walking on eggshells about this, you can't just wait till she brings it up to have a conversation about it. If it was just herself this was affecting then that'd be one thing, but this negative impact on your children today will affect them for the rest of their lives. They will carry the bad food habits they are learning into adulthood and will likely struggle with their weight for the rest of their lives as a result. So don't broach this subject with her about herself, make it about the kids.

She should go to the doc to rule out any physical issues, if that turns up nothing then it's not a dietician she needs, it's a psychologist. She has learned to use food as an emotional crutch, she needs to dig into why that happened and needs help with something like CBT to unlearn those habits and replace them with healthy ones.

woodchuck

One of the issues I feel is that she has no hobbies, she was a real party animal when we met and we both enjoyed weekends away, nights out etc. Now that that part of her life is mostly gone I think she is struggling to replace it. I don’t know, I started the thread because I’m a bit lost as to what to do.

I think this could be getting to the crux of the matter. Is there any reason you/her don't go out anymore? I know it's difficult when you have kids, but I think this is something that maybe you could focus your efforts on.

You could hire a babysitter (or ask a family member for help) so that you can try to get out together more regularly. I'm not even talking going out for exercise, but for fun. Dinner, drinks, cinema, bowling... whatever you used to do together!

You could also offer to look after the kids on your own if she wants to organise going out with her friends. Better yet, maybe organise a surprise night/weekend away for her with her friends? It sounds like she could use it. I know I'd probably be stuffing my face with junk food too if I spent all/most of my spare time at home.

If she starts enjoying her life a little more, she'll probably be less inclined to fill the void with junk food.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

I think this could be getting to the crux of the matter. Is there any reason you/her don't go out anymore? I know it's difficult when you have kids, but I think this is something that maybe you could focus your efforts on.

You could hire a babysitter (or ask a family member for help) so that you can try to get out together more regularly. I'm not even talking going out for exercise, but for fun. Dinner, drinks, cinema, bowling... whatever you used to do together!

You could also offer to look after the kids on your own if she wants to organise going out with her friends. Better yet, maybe organise a surprise night/weekend away for her with her friends? It sounds like she could use it. I know I'd probably be stuffing my face with junk food too if I spent all/most of my spare time at home.

If she starts enjoying her life a little more, she'll probably be less inclined to fill the void with junk food.

She goes on semi regular nights out with her work colleagues who she is close to. We also go for dinner and drinks now and again the two of us, maybe once a month, more often during the summer.

She works a lot of weekends unfortunately and it’s impossible to go away during the week so very difficult to get away without the kids. She did go abroad for a week just after Christmas with a good friend so it’s not like she is tied to the kitchen sink. I am probably the children’s main carer tbh.

I don’t think the odd (or even regular) night away is going to solve the issue. It probably is comfort eating and perhaps there may be more than willpower needed, someone mentioned CBT. Might be an idea.

I agree that the junk food cupboard needs to go. I have had it out with her a couple of times about this but it never seems to sink in. Her own house where she grew up is the same, cupboards bulging with rubbish any time we visit. Her younger siblings still live at home and have all have similar issues to a degree. One of them went to slimming world for a while and did great but has since put a lot of the weight back on. Perhaps her own upbringing is part of the issue too.

monaghanmissus

Could you suggest joining Slimming World with the sibling perhaps? I started it myself about 6 months ago and am really enjoying it. I find it quite foolproof and easy to follow. As you've said that you've do most of the cooking, perhaps you could start by cooking an odd Slimming World meal once or twice a week? It takes a bit of forward thinking and preparation, but the meals are enjoyable and I can still have a treat in the evenings - this is coming from someone with a real sweet tooth. If she begins to see results then maybe she'd stick at it?

LegacyUser

monaghanmissus wrote: »

Could you suggest joining Slimming World with the sibling perhaps? I started it myself about 6 months ago and am really enjoying it. I find it quite foolproof and easy to follow. As you've said that you've do most of the cooking, perhaps you could start by cooking an odd Slimming World meal once or twice a week? It takes a bit of forward thinking and preparation, but the meals are enjoyable and I can still have a treat in the evenings - this is coming from someone with a real sweet tooth. If she begins to see results then maybe she'd stick at it?

That would be ideal but we live hours away from her family and only visit the odd time.

I’d be more than happy to cook the slimming world stuff and that’s probably the way forward. She may be afraid to go on her own but I’m sure if she just took the plunge it would be fine.

Batgurl

WeightProblem wrote: »

That would be ideal but we live hours away from her family and only visit the odd time.

I’d be more than happy to cook the slimming world stuff and that’s probably the way forward. She may be afraid to go on her own but I’m sure if she just took the plunge it would be fine.

Can you go with her to SW?

Toots

Batgurl wrote: »

Can you go with her to SW?

When I was in weight watchers years ago, there was a couple who used to go. The wife would have had very little weight to lose, like she didn't really need to be there at all, but the husband had a good bit to lose. When he lost his first stone he actually said to the class that if it hadn't been for her coming with him, he'd never have come to WW in the first place.

LegacyUser

Batgurl wrote: »

Can you go with her to SW?

I could. Is this normal that people would bring family or friends along for support?

Idbatterim

Op would you doing the shopping make more sense ? I have a younger brother with an eating disorder, my mum was always just give him a little more etc. my dad would argue. I’m telling you now that if I have kids and was in a similar scenario, I will take total control there , foot down no more bull****. You can’t control what she eats , but when it comes to the kids it’s taking the piss in my opinion and I would take control. Throw the junk food out of needs be !

Your the bigger victim in this in my opinion. Constant battle of trying to do the right things for the ones you love and she is putting you in a **** position. It’s selfish !

Yermande

Xxccc wrote: »

You need to prioritise your family over the gym,& stay in that household every evening until you get to the root of the issue.

That is awful advice, not to mention a complete misreading of the OP. He sounds like a supportive husband and a responsible father.

You really ought to put a bit more thought into what you write.

Sorry about that

Hi OP, you have been great so far, really sensitive and sensible with your wife, even though it must frustrate you a bit. Well done on your own positive changes too; no doubt you want your wife to enjoy life the way you can.

I imagine she's extremely disappointed in herself and possibly a little resentful of how well you've done while she has only gained weight.

Small steps may help initially. Suggest a "no crap in the house" rule, which isn't too difficult. With her agreement you could dump what's in the press, and each have a bar/crisps once a week. You can all stick to this and instantly cut out thousands of empty calories every week. It is less difficult than it seems. In the event of a slip, just start again.

Then, if and when that works, she'll feel that she can achieve goals, and pick another target. Running is very addictive if she's not keen on a gym, and she can do laps of a local pitch, just to get moving. The endorphins will compensate for the pain! You can join her, and maybe aim for a 5k. It's very achievable.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Idbatterim wrote: »

Op would you doing the shopping make more sense ? I have a younger brother with an eating disorder, my mum was always just give him a little more etc. my dad would argue. I’m telling you now that if I have kids and was in a similar scenario, I will take total control there , foot down no more bull****. You can’t control what she eats , but when it comes to the kids it’s taking the piss in my opinion and I would take control. Throw the junk food out of needs be !

Your the bigger victim in this in my opinion. Constant battle of trying to do the right things for the ones you love and she is putting you in a **** position. It’s selfish !

I already do the grocery shopping and I don’t buy rubbish. She will come home many evenings after work with treats though. She would pass several convenience shops on her way home so it’s too easy to pull in and stop.

I also don’t actually know what she eats during the day at work. She tells me that she normally has a salad or a bagel but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there are more chocolate bars and what not being eaten during the day, she works in town so she’d have access to all sorts of stuff.

@sorry about that we have implemented a ‘no junk’ in the house Mon-Fri policy several times but she seems to have no willpower and breaks it after a week or two and we are back to square one. We have gone around in circles like this for a while. I think a proper programme with group support like slimming world would be ideal for her. She has never really exercised at all and I can’t see her starting if I’m honest.

.......

I slowly gained weight over the past 6 or 7 years, it was very slow, maybe 5lb per year. You wouldnt notice it in a year, and after 2 years youd notice it a bit but after 6 years it was a 30lb weight gain.

It turned out to be from hormonal medication. I had been on the regular pill and I began to get the stroke risk signs, so the doctors changed me to the mini pill (progesterone only). I didnt make the connection - I mean, 5lb in a year, I didnt even notice it. In the past my weight would go up and down a bit depending on what was going on in life and I genuinely wouldnt notice 5-6lb one way or the other. After 2 years I did try to lose some weight, but I just could not. I realise now that the progesterone affected my appetite. So even when i tried to lose weight, I was just SO hungry that I could not reduce my calorie intake for any sufficient length of time.

Anyway, my husband got a vasectomy and I came off the pill. 2 stone dropped off in about 8-10 months without me doing much to lose it. The difference is that my appetite has become normal. In fact, my appetite is on a cycle now, there is a week in the month when I am a bit hungrier, and a week when I am not hungry at all, and then its normal the rest of the time. Before I was ALWAYS hungry. I can only see all of this in retrospect.

I was active before too, I went to the gym 4 times weekly, did cardio, lifted weights etc...

But I had no control over my appetite. I would urge you to get your wife to examine any medication she is on, and to see her GP for a work up to see if anything could be affecting her appetite in ways that she is unaware of.

osarusan

The fact that she keeps saying she must do something about it but never actually does anything about it makes me think that any plan you come up with is unlikely to be effective.

Seems like she understands that it 'should' be an important thing to address, and offers lip-service to that effect, but actually she isn't all that bothered. She needs to be bothered by it.

Segotias

WeightProblem wrote: »

I already do the grocery shopping and I don’t buy rubbish. She will come home many evenings after work with treats though. She would pass several convenience shops on her way home so it’s too easy to pull in and stop.

I also don’t actually know what she eats during the day at work. She tells me that she normally has a salad or a bagel but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there are more chocolate bars and what not being eaten during the day, she works in town so she’d have access to all sorts of stuff.

@sorry about that we have implemented a ‘no junk’ in the house Mon-Fri policy several times but she seems to have no willpower and breaks it after a week or two and we are back to square one. We have gone around in circles like this for a while. I think a proper programme with group support like slimming world would be ideal for her. She has never really exercised at all and I can’t see her starting if I’m honest.

To be honest it sounds like you want this more than she does, she might say she's not happy with her weight but sounds like she has no intention of actually doing anything about it.

You obviously can't make her but you should voice your concerns to her, especially regarding your children.

However if its impacting your attraction to her and your relationship is being impacted it may be better to say something sooner than later

mirrorwall14

Forget fixing her. It won’t work unless she wants to do it herself. And it will likely take many ups and downs along the way for her. I’ve always struggled with my weight and have been on and off the bandwagon over the last ten years. Right now my head is in the game so it’s going well but if it wasn’t then it wouldn’t work. This is her battle not yours and she has to face it

However there is absolutely ZERO excuse for her in relation to the kids. I’m on sw. My husband is severely overweight and won’t do it with me but I cook healthy food and keep healthy food in the house at least for him. But even when we were both at our worst our children were never exposed to it. They should not be eating treats with your wife, that just cannot happen. Think of it like smoking, no one would consider smoking around kids, eating substantial amounts of junk in front of them and sharing it with them is a problem. That’s what I would tackle. And keep attacking. Don’t back down on it. Her own weight she has to want to do herself, the kids need you

Any approach taken with the 14 year old needs to be incredibly careful and a family approach. Both of ye need to be on board. Because honestly, at 14 their opportunities to overeat junk are limited unless they are being facilitated

LegacyUser

OP, I can relate to your wife, so hopefully I can help a little!

I gradually gained weight and suddenly I was a size 16, facing a size 18. I was tired all the time, I had a huge appetite, craved sugar and generally felt unwell. My husband tried to help, but was actually really, really unhelpful. He did the shopping and took over the cooking. I was struggling to do a day of work, come home, clean and cook. He started cooking what he considered to be healthy meals and giving me healthy portions. In reality, while I was grateful, he is a terrible cook. Stir frys consisted of cold, raw and partially charred veg and highly questionable meat. Everything that he cooked was a combination of raw and burnt! The portions were miniscule, absolutely tiny, so I was hungry in no time and I filled up on crap, because I needed a fast sugar hit. He would pressure me into going for a walk with him, but he would drive, take the keys and try to force me to do 10k. I was just not able.

Now, I was not unaware of any of this. I was going to the doctor, getting bloods, keeping food diaries, etc. It took about two years to get to the bottom of it. I have thyroid issues, PCOS, food intolerances and nutrient absorption issues. A huge number of very small things that combined to making me feel exhaused and unwell, as well as gaining weight. I felt horrible all the time. I was huge, but I felt powerless to do anything. I had no energy and I lived with a mental fog and definitely felt depressed.

After I finally got to the bottom of it, I was having injections of Iron and Vintamin B12. I started looking at our bedroom, got rid of my husband's light up clock, phones and got black out curtains. I started sleeping better. I refused to do any exercise with him. My energy levels will never be normal, so I have to manage them. He is still prone to demanding a 10k walk in the evening! I started going for short walks at lunch and built up from there. I joined a yoga class, started swimming for about half an hour one evening a week (which was huge since I felt like a whale).

At this stage, I am back to my normal weight and I feel much better. I cook my own food, sticking to what my medical advised diet. I still have a large appetite, but I have a very good diet. I exercise daily, but it is short and gentle. Half an hour (5k) walk at lunch, an hour of pilates and yoga once a week each, half an hur swim three times a week and I spend hours in the garden. Ironically, it is my husband that is now sitting all evening on the couch, eating biscuits and getting too overweight.

I think that your first port of call should be suggesting to your wife that she sees a doctor. She's tired, feeling unwell and clearly craving rubbish. This point is important. I developed a huge sweet tooth, but now that I am back getting proper nutrition and my horomones are relatively under control, I just don't have any desire to eat sweet stuff, like I used to be in my youth! It seems to me that she is battling physical issues, and you need to get medical advice. The fact that your son is also gaining weight is something to look at too. Is he consuming too much or is he too struggling with a medical issue? My brother suffers from similar issues to me, but in his case, he lost weight and really, really struggled to gain it. Clearly, there is a genetic link.

I hope that I have added something helpful OP. I would also not suggest any classes to her. Why don't you just go somewhere as a family and have a very gentle walk. Beach, park, etc. Nothing more than a KM or two, just gentle, pleasant, happy stroll. That's easier than going for a walk to get exercise. My husband walks fast and sees nothing, so I hate walking with him. I walk more slowly and enjoy the sights, smells and sounds. It's a reward in itself. :-)

ginandtonicsky

No diet programme will help her until she decides to lose weight. Right now although she's vocally unhappy with the weight gain, she hasn't actually decided that she wants to change anything. Until that switch goes off in her head, things will remain the same.

It's worth bringing up the unhealthy lifestyle as a wider family issue. I doubt you'd be too happy to see your son go down the same route, which it looks like may be a possibility. I'd be bringing that up as a matter of urgency. Get him involved in team sports at school, football or GAA or something, and banish the junk food to once a week after your Sunday dinner. Tell your wife that you're very concerned about his weight and not willing to let him live an unhealthy lifestyle any longer, so she needs to stop feeding him junk food during the week.

Also a good idea to get your wife to the GP to rule out any deeper medical issues. It sounds more likely that she's eating out of boredom or in that vicious circle of eating to self-soothe, getting depressed about her weight and round and round we go. But having a GP tell her that her weight is a problem might be the wakeup call she needs.

Then, once her decision is actually made, you can suggest Slimming World or one of those structured programmes.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

No diet programme will help her until she decides to lose weight. Right now although she's vocally unhappy with the weight gain, she hasn't actually decided that she wants to change anything. Until that switch goes off in her head, things will remain the same.

That hits the nail on the head.

OP, it sounds like your wife has an unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle overall, but is rapidly gaining weight because she compounds the problem by binge eating in the evenings and possibly while driving (per the car being full of chocolate bar wrappers and crisp packets).

This is a classic problem seen in people who are trying to lose weight. Some will exercise and eat fairly healthily during the day, but then will binge eat in the evenings when they are craving sugar and their willpower is at a low ebb due to tiredness. A few bars of chocolate and bags of crisps will more than compensate for the calories saved or burned during the day, so they are often (literally) running to stand still.

Exercise is great, but losing weight is 80% about diet. Until she stops gorging on high-caloric junk food, she isn't going to get anywhere.

As ginandtonicsky says, she needs to really commit to this. If she can commit to not eating fatty or sugary junk foods for a period of time, the cravings will first intensify, then lessen, and she may be motivated to continue by dropping a few pounds and looking/feeling better. But she needs to have the self-discipline to get over that rough patch -- and right now she's in the "I'm not happy but I'm not really going to do anything about it" phase.

leggo

Going to go against the grain a bit here: OP you say you both ate like crap early on and you were the one who changed and started being more healthy. Good for you, a solid life choice. However what you’re describing sounds like she has always been a bit this way and to try expect changes on her behalf, just because you have yourself, is unreasonable. She’s still the same person you met, you knew this about her going in, and you married that person. Whether she’s wrong or the changes would be best for her is irrelevant.

If she’s lazy and wants to let her body rot, it’s her choice to do that, her choice to change lifestyles, and the only question you get to ask is if you accept and love her regardless? We don’t get to change other people, even if the changes we’d make would be good for them. It doesn’t sound like you accept her for who she is tbh. So you need to deal with that fact and give yourself the ultimatum instead of her: you swore to love this woman ‘in sickness and in health’...can you accept this and love her if nothing changes? If the answer is no, that’s okay, but being unhappy by way of ‘worry’ and trying to change her is terribly unfair on her. It sucks for someone if your partner can’t accept who you are and love and celebrate you as such, that’s why we get with someone to begin with. And, if you do realise you can’t accept her, then the approach you need to take is from the angle of apologising for that rather than judging her. Again she’s the same as she always was, you’re the one who changed.

The kids are another matter. I’d be much more along the lines of everyone else there. You’ve got a right to come down hard there because their health is both of your responsibilities. Just be smart in doing so as, if there’s a disagreement between parents, kids are obviously going to be more receptive to the one who gives them lovely crap food than the one who wants to feed them salad. So think carefully about the best way to approach it but definitely don’t feel bad about getting them away from junk food and do act decisively however you handle it.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Going to go against the grain a bit here

That kind of selfish "If you can't handle me at my worst" nonsense just doesn't fly in a committed relationship. You just don't get to let yourself go when you're in a settled, committed relationship. It's incredibly unfair to the other party.

She may have been an unhealthy eater before, but it sounds like she's gotten a lot worse. And her behaviour is directly impacting their children and the OP. Again, incredibly unfair of her.

If she were drinking every night instead of binge eating junk food, I don't think the OP would be told "for better or for worse". Both are unhealthy habits. Both impact on family and neither should be tolerated.

OP, you need to have a very serious conversation with her. Be very honest with her about how it's affecting the family. There are times when the softly, softly approach works, but honestly I don't think this is it. You need to be tough here, more so for your son than for anyone else. He needs at least one parent who has his best interests at heart.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

leggo wrote: »

If she’s lazy and wants to let her body rot, it’s her choice to do that, her choice to change lifestyles, and the only question you get to ask is if you accept and love her regardless? We don’t get to change other people, even if the changes we’d make would be good for them. It doesn’t sound like you accept her for who she is tbh.

Sorry, but I disagree with this sentiment. If the OP's wife is already several stone overweight and continuing to binge on junk food, with negative consequences for her health and well-being, their children's health and well-being, and their sex life and marriage, I think it would be irresponsible of him to sit back amid the chocolate bar wrappers and crisp packets and say: "I accept you for who you are and love you regardless."

A recent study found that people with a BMI of 30 to 35 have a 70 percent higher risk of developing heart failure than people of a healthy weight. Obesity also hugely increases the risks of type 2 diabetes, sleep apnoea, high blood pressure, irregular heartbeat, abnormal levels of cholesterol, and other health conditions.

If the OP's wife were smoking 60 cigarettes a day or drinking two bottles of wine each night, I don't think people would have an issue with him trying to get her to quit or cut back for the sake of her health and their future together. Obesity also has serious health repercussions, and so I think the same logic applies to binge eating as it does to other addictions.

"In sickness and in health" doesn't mean we should do nothing when we see our partners engaged in damaging and self-destructive behaviors.

leggo

Well no, it's totally wanky and controlling to preach to someone who smoked before you met that they need to give up now you're together. I say that as someone who gave up myself btw. We're all individuals and get to decide what we do with our own bodies, even if that's a bad decision. Not one of us here has the authority to try change another human fundamentally, and it's arrogant if someone thinks that they do. It's foolish too, it doesn't work, people only ever change for themselves. Even if their partner threatens to leave, they don't change because they're trying to keep their partner happy, they change because they don't want to lose their partner.

Alcohol can be different only in that, with alcoholism, there tends to be an element of abuse, lying, checking out of the relationship. So it actually impacts on other people. And if someone is being abusive and lying to you, then you have a right to demand that that stops. However they also have a right to decide if they want to change that behaviour and then it becomes your choice whether to stay or go.

That's how healthy relationships work.

Again, I agree with everyone on the issue of the children. The OP has a 50% responsibility in that and it's not even a question over whether them eating junk food constantly is a good or bad thing. But your children are the only people on the planet you have authority over to make those kind of decisions, including your spouse.

loalae

I have put on a bit of weight after having a baby 7 months ago. After liatening to me bitch about my weight for a few months, my husband asked if it would be helpful for both of us to do exercise videos in the evening when baby has gone to sleep. Could you do this? I know you are already asking her to join you in walks and cycles and going to the gym but maybe she would be embarrassed to be seen exercising in public?

The weight is probably due more to diet than anythimg else though. We also have a rule where we don't eat chocolate or drink alcohol during the week. It's helping as well. But obviously you can't control what she eats - that's completely up to her. You could point out every time she brings junk food home that it is not a good idea but that would turn you into a nag and may only result in her becoming a secret eater. You need to put your foit down when it comes to the children though.

You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

LegacyUser

Leggo, I don't really agree with that because a huge amount of couples probably meet in their younger years when many have unhealthy lifestyles but youth on their side so they can get away with bad habits like binge drinking, eating crap, no exercise etc.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect lifestyles to change as people mature, and have families etc. people often can't party as much as they used to, need to have energy to play with their children, have to set a good example etc.

I saw a few comments about maybe there being an underlying emotional cause or psychological issue, I think this is a chicken or egg issue.

Junk food by its very nature is addictive, if you get into the habit of eating it regularly your body will crave it. It's not comfort eating due to a psychological issue, but comfort eating to comfort that craving.

A bad diet also plays havoc with some peoples mental health. I was always slim but used to eat a lot of sugar. I felt very depressed and lazy all the time.

If I had put on weight and didn't like my body that would have been an extra thing to be down about, and cause me to have low self-esteem, be self conscious etc. feel hopeless.

Add the 3 things together, your body craving junk food because it's a habit, bad diet affecting you mentally, and a negative view of your body and it's a recipe for disaster for some people, and can continue the cycle of what some people may call 'comfort eating'....

but it's the food and eating that is causing the 'comfort eating', the so called 'underlying issues' came afterwards!

LegacyUser

image verification wrote: »

Leggo, I don't really agree with that because a huge amount of couples probably meet in their younger years when many have unhealthy lifestyles but youth on their side so they can get away with bad habits like binge drinking, eating crap, no exercise etc.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect lifestyles to change as people mature, and have families etc. people often can't party as much as they used to, need to have energy to play with their children, have to set a good example etc.

I saw a few comments about maybe there being an underlying emotional cause or psychological issue, I think this is a chicken or egg issue.

Junk food by its very nature is addictive, if you get into the habit of eating it regularly your body will crave it. It's not comfort eating due to a psychological issue, but comfort eating to comfort that craving.

A bad diet also plays havoc with some peoples mental health. I was always slim but used to eat a lot of sugar. I felt very depressed and lazy all the time.

If I had put on weight and didn't like my body that would have been an extra thing to be down about, and cause me to have low self-esteem, be self conscious etc. feel hopeless.

Add the 3 things together, your body craving junk food because it's a habit, bad diet affecting you mentally, and a negative view of your body and it's a recipe for disaster for some people, and can continue the cycle of what some people may call 'comfort eating'....

but it's the food and eating that is causing the 'comfort eating', the so called 'underlying issues' came afterwards!

OP here. Thank you for this post and I think you may have hit the nail in the head. I don’t believe there is any underlying reason that my wife should be comfort eating. I think it’s part boredom, part addiction / bad habit. We have healthy and happy kids, good jobs and a good life overall. I know that nobody knows what is going on inside someone else’s head but she really has no reason to be that unhappy any more than anybody else.

We cleaned out the sweet cupboard during the week and agreed that things got out of hand with the treats. I told her that if she wants a chocolate bar or crisps during the week to keep it out of sight of the kids and they will be allowed a treat at weekends. She said that she will use this as an opportunity to get off the sweet stuff during the week herself. We are also going to make a big effort to get the kids eating better generally. They spend a lot of time during holidays with their grandmother and she is an absolute devil for giving them treats so need to get her on board too.

@leggo thanks for your posts but I strongly disagree. We were both at a normal weight when we met and she was only slightly overweight when we married. I think one partner completely letting themselves go with no meaningful effort to arrest the weight gain is not fair on the other person quite frankly. There has to be effort put in to maintain a good marriage and this is part of it, the issue is something completely within her control. Just my opinion.

leggo

I know couples who’ve done just that, but the thing is the ones I know that did it successfully did it together because it was a shared goal (for example one couple I know are getting married soon so going on a successful health buzz because they both want to be at their best for their wedding).

The thing is: even if you discount the fact that trying to change another person is one of the exercises people spend the most amount of time on and have the least success with, from a purely fitness standpoint shaming another person is an equally unsuccessful way of inspiring change. Fitness tends to be a proactive not reactive thing. People diet and train best when they’re feeling positive and proactive and ready for change, especially if they’re in a situation of need because exercising can be intimidating so you need to have confidence to go for it. People who are bigger know they’re big, being shamed (even gently and considerately) tends to just compound those existing feelings of shame and often just results in the problem worsening.

So, even if you take the morality out of it, it’s taking two proven bad formulas for change, combining them, and expecting it to work.

It’s a **** situation. It should be different. I empathise with the OP (and his family) and everyone else who goes through it. But for me this is one of those situations where you’ll see people say what ‘should’ be done because it’s the natural first instinct, then anyone who’s been through similar situation knows it actually doesn’t work and will probably make it worse.

Blueshoe

Emme wrote: »

OP if she has gained a lot of weight in a short time and is lethargic she might have a heath issue such as underactive thyroid. She should see a doctor and get this checked out.

Op posted about the diet his wife is eating. Thyroid isn't a factor is my bet

Emme

Blueshoe wrote: »

Op posted about the diet his wife is eating. Thyroid isn't a factor is my bet

I have had both overactive and underactive thyroid. It took years for me to be diagnosed underactive despite having symptoms like weight gain, fatigue and sugar cravings. Some people with underactive thyroid can gain weight on a diet of 1000 calories a day. I think thyroid issues should be ruled out in the case of the OP's wife before she goes on a serious diet and exercise regime. There is no harm in checking her thyroid out to ensure she gets optimum benefit from a weight loss regime.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I have had both overactive and underactive thyroid. It took years for me to be diagnosed underactive despite having symptoms like weight gain, fatigue and sugar cravings. Some people with underactive thyroid can gain weight on a diet of 1000 calories a day. I think thyroid issues should be ruled out in the case of the OP's wife before she goes on a serious diet and exercise regime. There is no harm in checking her thyroid out to ensure she gets optimum benefit from a weight loss regime.

Out of curiosity how did it take years to be diagnosed? Isn't it a simple blood test?

Worth checking for it but it sounds like a poor diet is to blame rather than hormones.

Blueshoe

Emme wrote: »

I have had both overactive and underactive thyroid. It took years for me to be diagnosed underactive despite having symptoms like weight gain, fatigue and sugar cravings. Some people with underactive thyroid can gain weight on a diet of 1000 calories a day. I think thyroid issues should be ruled out in the case of the OP's wife before she goes on a serious diet and exercise regime. There is no harm in checking her thyroid out to ensure she gets optimum benefit from a weight loss regime.

To be blunt about it the chocolate and crisp packets tell enough of a story. Sure check the thyroid but it obvious what the likely issue here is.

whitesheep

I honestly think you should say nothing to her. Even under the guise of 'heatlh'. There's so much about this these days and let's face it all thus health buzz is about being skinny. Putting the woman in shame could make the problem worse.

Please anyone Google 'why diets don't work' basically 95% of people who try them are the same weight or heavier 2 years later. Of the 5% who do succeed a huge % have disordered behaviours around diet and exercise. Being skinny and having your thoughts consumed by food and exercise is not a result in my opinion.

The lady I presume knows that crisps and chocolate are not good for her but she keeps eating them anyway. So suggesting stopping or being judgemental about it won't help.

The only thing I would suggest is a book called 'intuitive eating' it is on no way a diet does not promise weight loss but if followed does change your relationship with food and your attitude to diet and diet culture.

Diets are bananas do not go on one or suggest to anyone to go on one. They do not work. If you lost a load of weight in a diet and you put it on again, that diet did not work so returning to that diet again actually defies logic.

No doc would prescribe a medicine that only works in 5% of cases and of those 5% there's a decent chance of having disordered eating as a result.

I'm not suggesting staying in a bigger body is healthy for her. But I am saying don't shame her for something that isn't going to work anyway.

Good luck

stanley1989

WeightProblem wrote: »

She goes on semi regular nights out with her work colleagues who she is close to. We also go for dinner and drinks now and again the two of us, maybe once a month, more often during the summer

I agree that the junk food cupboard needs to go. I have had it out with her a couple of times about this but it never seems to sink in. Her own house where she grew up is the same, cupboards bulging with rubbish any time we visit. Her younger siblings still live at home and have all have similar issues to a degree. One of them went to slimming world for a while and did great but has since put a lot of the weight back on. Perhaps her own upbringing is part of the issue too.[/quote

I'm a firm believer in monkey see monkey do . Your wife obviously got brought up eating junk and now has food issues and your 14 yr old is going down the exact same route that's the bit that would annoy me .I was never brought up to eat junk food . Still at 30 I don't eat sweets and rarely drink fizzy drinks .I'd be telling her loose weight for your sons sake of not her own

LegacyUser

Whitesheep, the health buzz is absolutely not about being skinny. It's really not for most people. It is genuinely about being healthy, feeling healthy, feeling energetic, feeling strong, staying active, being social, the added bonus is an improved body! and most women I know who are big into the health buzz are not focused at all on being skinny, they like to be toned, and even non skinny women look great when toned.

You are right though that most people generally don't keep off the weight that is lost, but a huge reason for that has to be the fact that it is so socially acceptable and normalised to be overweight and unhealthy. It shouldn't be because it has such a negative impact on peoples lives.