Together three months, haven't been intimate yet

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my GF (24 y.o) for about three months now after meeting her through a mutual friend. We get along well and we share a lot of the same interests. Only problem is that we haven't done anything sexual yet.

I made the first move when we went back to her place on our third date. She said she wanted to wait to make sure things didn't get weird between us. I was a bit disappointed naturally but I respected that and kept on seeing her. Since that I've made another few attempts (nothing forceful; we'd start kissing then gravitate towards the bed, then she'd make me stop once we get touchy-feely) and she's turned me down every time.

Things got bad at my place two nights ago. We started kissing then ended up in my bed at which point she tells me to stop, she's not ready for that yet. We cuddle for a minute and then I ask when will she be ready. She says that when she's comfortable. I then made the mistake of getting a bit annoyed and saying that we've been going out a while and that if I'm in a relationship I expect to have sex at some stage. She tells me to drop it or she'd be leaving.

This was our first real argument and admittedly we'd had a bit drink. Yesterday morning she kissed me and left as if nothing had happened, but to be honest it took a lot of self-restraint for me not to say anything. She's sent a few texts since, none of which I've responded to.

I'm annoyed because I dealt with something similar in my last relationship where I had to wait a fairly long time for intimacy (this is my second one; I've only ever been with one woman). I know there's more to a relationship than sex, but I've a high libido and I hate waiting for something that she'd had no problem doing with other fellas before I came along. (She's been with many people; we talked about it before.)

I honestly don't know whether to continue this relationship or not as I'm very frustrated. Has anyone else been in a situation like this, and if so what did you do?

Mr. Incognito

I think you are going to have to talk to her.

I met a girl once and it was the same story. She wanted to wait for a year.

I said no thanks and walked away.

Life is too short to be subject to someone elses control

Fair enough if she doesnt want to have sex but no sexual contact or any sort of compromise is not dating. It is a friendship.

bucketybuck

No easy answers, but its worth saying that you are not out of line to have concerns here, 24 year olds dating for 3 months but still haven't had sex? Thats not common at all, you should be screwing like rabbits at this point.

Everybody is different and that is ok, but if I was in your shoes I would be walking away as you clearly are incompatible on this issue.

Talk to her, ask her straight out why she doesn't feel comfortable yet? This isn't something she can just brush off or tell you to drop.

Xterminator

Hi Op

the thing is you do need to talk about this issue. but after drinks, and when your feeling frustrated may be the worst possible time. and giving her the cold shoulder over texts may be understandable but its hardly good communication skills now is it? i dont think pressuring her to go further when you have drinks on you is really going to end in a good way.

you don't know why she wants to take it slow. there could be a good reason, due to previous bad experiences. there might be no good reason. you are in the dark.

If i were you id sit down and discuss. explain how you feel, ask where she is coming from and see if you have common ground.

Sardonicat

She will be ready for sex when she's ready.

Fair enough if you don't want to wait any longer, then move on.

She doesn't have to give a reason or a time frame or any form of justification. She doesn't owe you sex. And you don't have to stay in a relationship that you feel is moving too slow for your needs and expectations.

End it. You're not compatible.

stargazer 68

Op there is a thread a couple down from an OP dating 9 months and in the same boat.

You have 3 options here really - walk away now, sit down and discuss it properly or hang on and possibly be back here in 6 months like the other OP. She can't just tell you to drop the topic and expect you to be okay with that without any kind of explanation.

TheBoyConor

If she wanted sex she would have given it up already.
She is just making excuses.

Either way, this is not working for you. Dump her and move on.

LegacyUser

Don'tKnowWhat wrote: »

I hate waiting for something that she'd had no problem doing with other fellas before I came along. (She's been with many people; we talked about it before.)

And when you talked did you talk about the hows and whys of those relationships or where they even relationships or just one night stands? Just because someone slept with one person doesn't mean they should sleep with everyone. Maybe she felt rushed and pressured to have sex before she was ready with those other men and she doesn't want to do the same in this relationship. Have you been clear you want sex but as part of a health relationship? maybe she sees your relationship as worth more tjhen those past ones and doesn't want to rush things...the only way you are going to know OP is if you talk. Not in bed after a failed attempt of course that will end up in an argument and everyones backs up.

Discuss the relationship as a whole - 3 months isn't long but we don't know if you are seeing each other every day OP or just once a week etc etc. Do you both see this going somewhere? Do you want a relationship with her OP that includes sex but also everything else that comes with a relationship? if you just want sex then move on, if she wants a relationship without sex then move on.

witchgirl26

OP just because she's done things with other people doesn't mean that she's ready for that with you. In the conversation you had before, did she ever talk about when those things happen? I.e. how far into a relationship?

I wouldn't have been up for anything too sexual at that age 3 months into a relationship myself. Just wasn't me and I didn't feel comfortable with it. I would have been quite annoyed if someone got annoyed because I wasn't ready to do things with them. Putting an ultimatum like that to her is a bit unfair. It is pressuring sex on someone who isn't at the same stage as you.

Realistically you need to have a sober conversation with her about it and understand her perspective. Could be that at the moment the two of you aren't compatable in that area and are best to both walk away. Otherwise you need to respect her boundaries in regards sex. It's not something that's owed to you because she did things with others. Maybe she regrets those things (or how soon she did them) and is looking to change a behaviour pattern.

Btw I'm not trying to make out your a bad person or anything but putting pressure on someone to have sex before you had to wait before and you have a high libido isn't a great start to a relationship.

Yellow pack crisps

Neither of you are wrong. You just both have different perspectives on things.

osarusan

She is perfectly entitled to her boundaries. It seems part of what bothers you is that she apparently slept with others earlier in those relationships, but perhaps she feels that it was too early for her.

Equally, you are perfectly entitled your own boundaries - to decide that you've had enough and to move on.

It would be quite the mood-killer (for me anyway) to be wondering if the person I was about to sleep with was really into it at that moment, or was doing it because they felt pressured in some way. You run the risk of ending up in that situation.

Caranica

If I was her I'd be ending it. You need to have a proper conversation and not keep pushing her. It makes for deeply uncomfortable reading to me, it can't be very comfortable for her.

Calypso Realm

Caranica wrote: »

If I was her I'd be ending it. You need to have a proper conversation and not keep pushing her. It makes for deeply uncomfortable reading to me, it can't be very comfortable for her.

Well yes, and it's also possible she feels OP is only after sex, another passion killer!

Pawwed Rig

Sardonicat wrote: »

She doesn't have to give a reason or a time frame or any form of justification. She doesn't owe you sex. And you don't have to stay in a relationship that you feel is moving too slow for your needs and expectations.

Not much hope for a relationship if partners cannot discuss this issue. It is a perfectly reasonable conversation to have as an adult couple.

Op I once waited nearly a year but at a much younger age (she was 18). At 24 though you need to be having a serious conversation. Sounds like some kind of test to me in which case I would say end it as she will be a headmelter longterm.
Discuss with her first though.

woodchuck

TheBoyConor wrote: »

If she wanted sex she would have given it up already.
She is just making excuses.

This is a really disturbing attitude to have. Nobody needs to "make excuses" when it comes to being uncomfortable having sex with someone in the early stages of a new relationship.

That said, if sex in the near future is a deal breaker for you OP, I think you'd be better off cutting your losses here.

She has made it clear that she's not comfortable having sex with you yet and you've continued to her push her on it. You've handled the situation very poorly and to be honest, I don't think there's any coming back from that. Getting annoyed with her, ignoring her texts... this is going to do is drive her away even more.

If you find yourself in a similar situation again in the future, you can try either (i) being more understanding and patient or (ii) some honest communication... and I don't mean asking "when"!

lulu1

Call me old fashioned but even at 24 years old 3 months is a bit soon in my book to be having sex.

Op I don't think you should be persuing it either if the girl dosen't want it .

If you don't think she's worth waiting for do her a favour and move on

Ursus Horribilis

Even though the two of you spoke about this after a fashion, you never had a proper conversation about this. Instead, it descended into a pattern of you trying it on and her saying no. Possibly, this pushed the chances of you having sex even further away. Did your eagerness to do the deed make her nervous about it?

Having said that, I'm a bit sceptical about her reasons for not having sex with you. Do many couples really wait three months before anything happens? I'm inclined to come down on the side of people who think she was never going to have sex with you. I've a feeling this is dead in the water at this stage. If it isn't, you and her need to have a proper conversation about this in person. Not over text or when there's drink taken.

Neyite

I hate waiting for something that she'd had no problem doing with other fellas before I came along. (She's been with many people; we talked about it before.)

She's not sure about you yet, and maybe this statement is indicative of why she's hesitant. There's all sorts of judgement there as to her previous sexual history and resentment that she's not readily giving it to you. As well as that, you picking a fight after being turned down for sex and now ignoring her texts is probably only reinforcing her decision to wait until she knows you better.


It might be best to draw a line under this short relationship assuming she hasn't already came to that conclusion herself.

pwurple

Yesterday morning she kissed me and left as if nothing had happened

Did I read this correctly, that she is staying overnight, in your bed, regularly... but no sexual contact at all, ever?

That is a little odd, and maybe teasing? Is she getting a kick out of that do you think?

Or yes, it could be more that you are way too pushy and she is being put off.


A non-drunk chat is the ticket alright. Not in bed where it's a demand... try over brekkie, fully clothed.

zapper55

pwurple wrote: »

That is a little odd, and maybe teasing? Is she getting a kick out of that do you think?

Surely a woman should be able to sleep in the same bed without sexual contact without being labelled a tease? Its those kind of attitudes that make some men (I'm not referring to the OP) think they are entitled to sex.

Op I dont think ye are a good match and Neyite's post is spot on.

lulu1

How do you know that she has had sex before she could be lying

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'd like to thank all of you for your advice. I'm inexperienced with the opposite sex as ye've probably surmised so your feedback is a huge help.

I eventually texted her back after my post yesterday but she noticed how long it had taken for me to reply and asked if I was all right. I said I was, that I was busy catching up with work, and arranged to meet her for a coffee and a film. I shouldn't have lied but at that moment I guess I didn't want to upset her more than I already had.

We went for the coffee after work today and straight away she said that she felt that I wasn't happy with her. I said I was fine, that I just had too much to drink on Sunday and was sorry for being rude. We carried on chatting but I had trouble keeping the conversation going so she asked if I didn't like her anymore. I said I do like you, it's just that I don't feel like you have any interest in getting intimate with me. (Took awful effort to get that sentence out; not great at talking about that topic)

She eventually explained that she wanted to take it slow in that department because she'd had bad experiences in recent relationships and didn't want to me 'f--- off' after sleeping with her. I said that I would never do that, I really enjoy her company, but she said that she's heard that before. Tried reassuring her more but she didn't seem to think it was enough. I then asked (gently) how much longer she thinks she'd need before she'd be comfortable taking it any further with me. She said she wasn't sure, maybe another few months. I said fair enough, I respect that, and finished my coffee.

We went to see a film then parted ways with a kiss. This evening, however, I felt like absolute crap and decided that I wasn't happy with the relationship so I sent her a text saying that we were two different people and that she'd be better off looking for someone else. She hasn't gotten back to me yet. I know I should have done it face-to-face, but I suppose I didn't have the balls to do it.

Not the ending I would've liked. I definitely wasn't with her just for sex otherwise I would have run a mile weeks ago, but it is something I like and waiting upwards of six months in total was not something I was prepared to do. I guess that I felt unwanted, even though she must have found me attractive otherwise we wouldn't have gone out to begin with.

Anyways, I made my decision, learnt some lessons, and will hopefully find someone I'm more compatible with. Thanks, guys. If have you any more advice, I would be happy to read it.

TLDR: met her, she said she'd probably need to wait a few more months because she'd had fellas run off on her before. Tried to accept it but eventually broke up by text. Feel sad but prepared to move on. Any feedback is welcome.

LegacyUser

It's just childish& rude to ignore her texts.
At least have the courtesy & honesty to say to the girl something along the lines of
"Look, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I guess I've just been trying to process where we're at& where we're going? I've been feeling a little hurt& rejected since the last night. I feel we get on great generally over the last 3 months, & am very attracted to you"
Leave the ball in her court to respond.
Then decide.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you did the right thing. The dumping by text probably wasn't ideal but part of me feels that was appropriate. If you hadn't had sex yet and she was planning on pushing that out to at least six months, you'd wonder what sort of relationship this was to her?

I'm not convinced she has a string of men in her past who ran out on her once they did the deed. She sounds like she has some sort of deep-seated issues with sex and cooked up this story in order to keep you hooked. Even if she is telling the truth, it's quite the slap in the face for you. That after at least six months of going out, she "might" finally relent.


It looks more like she wanted most of the trappings of having a boyfriend without doing the one thing that separates relationships from friendships. Something tells me that even if you managed to make it to the bedroom, you'd never have a frequent sex life. That's not what most people want.

ManOfMystery

I think poor communication was a major issue here.

3 months in, both in your mid 20s and spending nights together, it's totally natural for you to expect that things would have progressed - there's nothing wrong with that. But equally, there's nothing wrong with her having her own boundaries and taking things at her own pace.

However she never clearly explained her reasons for doing so to you until you'd already got to this stage, which must have been frustrating and made you question what was going on. And you in turn responded with passive-aggressive silent treatment at times and then split up with her by text. If this conversation had been had 1 month in and you had both agreed to take things slowly or made some sort of compromise, the outcome could have been very different. It's something to bear in mind in future relationships that communication is vital.

It may also be that you're simply not meant for each other. You weren't prepared to wait for her, and 3 months in she still didn't feel comfortable enough with you to progress things further. You might get on well with each other but it doesn't sound like the bond was one of soulmates (a term I hate using but it's just to get the point across!)

osarusan

To be honest, if after 3 months she didn't trust you not to 'f--- off' after sleeping with her, I'm not sure it would be any different a few more months down the line.

WrigleysExtra

You did the right thing, she just wasn't that into you to be honest. Thank you, next as they say.

Ursus Horribilis

The sort of fellas she was hoping to ward off - the ones who clear off after they get the ride - would never hang around for as long as you did.

pwurple

Dumping by text was a wussy move alright, but for the best. It sounded fairly awkward. You two clearly couldn't communicate with each other.


And sorry now zapper55, I didn't label the girl anything, and he is not entitled to anything. I asked how often she was staying overnight in the bed, getting into the kisses and cuddles and then knocking him back. All without any conversation whatsoever about what she wanted to do. He ended up scratching his head, trying all sorts, with no notion as to what she actually wanted from him.

That's pretty poor communication there too on her part.

Yellow pack crisps

You did the right thing. I’m not sure telling her face to face would achieve all that much anyway, for whatever reasons she didn’t feel comfortable having sex with you at this moment in time. The one thing I would say is don’t pester someone for sex, it’s a big turn off anyway and at this stage of seeing someone it’s a bad precedent to set. Maybe she was telling the truth but in truth that isbof no use to you. You were ready and she wasn’t, I don’t think that’s about one person controlling the issue, I just think it’s two people on different wavelengths.

waffleman

There was another thread on here about a girl who got "ghosted" after sleeping with a guy on the first date. She felt very let down.

It seems OP you were with someone this may have happened to in the past. She sounds scared to be honest. It's not much consolation but I think you made the right call ending it.

lulu1

lulu1 wrote: »

How do you know that she has had sex before she could be lying

Not exactly a great foundation for a relationship, is it? Anyway OP I think you did the right thing, I'd maybe not in the best way.