Ashamed of my job

LegacyUser

I am 41 years old and single. I was doing a masters but it didn’t work out so for the last two years ive been working in hospitality. I’m very lucky to have my own place and be ok financially. I’m also very lucky that my employers are really lovely people and always very accommodating.
My issue is that I have a complex about my employment situation. When I meet new people I really dread the ‘what do you work at yourself?’ question. Even last night I was chatting with a guy and a leading version of the question came up…. ‘so you’re back to work on Tuesday morning then are you….’ I just totally changed the topic. On the inside I find myself wanting to shout ‘DON’T BE ASKING ME QUESTIONS LIKE THAT’. I remain as vague as possible on the topic and find myself being hostile and defensive. I find that guys loose interest when they hear what I work at, its very noticeable with online dating. I don’t blame them as I am disappointed in myself to be working in this job at my age. I was doing this kind of work 20 years ago so feel like a total failure. I have been stuck in a rut for the last while. I have started doing some voluntary work to try and find a job ide prefer and I have started firing out CVs.
But in the meantime I don’t know how to handle that question without showing my insecurity.
I don’t want to be slated here, i am looking for advice on how to handle the topic/situation.

1874

you shouldn't, i have a job which a lot of people that work there i have found consider it has a certain status, but it's all bull, we are worked hard, it's difficult to get time off, the shift is awful, it imposes on your life so you can never plan anything, people have to squabble or complain over getting limited time off, there's back biting and snarkiness, I need the money and it's not even fantastic but more so the number on the payslip for a future loan, personally I would like to be a postman, out and about, i wouldn't mind the weather, on my own instead of with unpleasant snarky a-holes.
I could stand over that or any job I liked where people are nice and it's not so tightly wound that if one person goes sick it falls to pieces.
Life is for living, I wouldn't feel obliged to explain or defend myself, but I detect what you say when I've gone on dates, if I say that I don't have a degree, or even to people that look down on my work. You can't keep everyone happy and if someone is that shallow they can't be worth it, probably lucky they offer their narrow view so early on.
Would you consider a qualification in hospitality? maybe you already have, you must have a degree anyway. I'd say there is a lot of value in the benefits you describe.

Hoboo

I'd be more ashamed if my job defined me.

blindside88

OP if you were doing a masters I assume you already have a degree. If you are ashamed of your job you could move to something else with a degree and customer service experience. For example most of the banks are hiring at the minute, usually starting pay isn’t great but most people see it as a “respectable job”, there is also the opportunity to move up along if you work hard

1874

blindside88 wrote: »

OP if you were doing a masters I assume you already have a degree. If you are ashamed of your job you could move to something else with a degree and customer service experience. For example most of the banks are hiring at the minute, usually starting pay isn’t great but most people see it as a “respectable job”, there is also the opportunity to move up along if you work hard

The OP sounds happy in their job, maybe they could move up, sideways or diagonal in that? or maybe they are happy with the work and just would like to find a way around explaining themself, it is a thing that seems to come up, early on in dating without thought, ie so what do you do etc as if that is the sole thing that defines anyone, I'd be as interested in their hobbies/interests.

Farfromhome02

Don't be
A career or job does not define you as a person
How you treat people and the respect and dignity you show others does
Anyone who judges somebody on a career or life choice are shallow

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder are you projecting a bit? Or that guys pick up the "ashamed of your job" vibe from you and that's putting them off? Or that you're coming across as somebody who has something to hide? Why is your job shameful? From what I know of that field, working in hospitality is tough. I for one don't look down on people who work in it. The question is - why are you?

You've got a couple of choices here. Either you come to terms with your job as it is now and learn how to be proud of it. Or you hatch a plan to move on to something else. There's many a person out there whose life/career didn't work out the way they'd planned and have ended up doing other things. You're just another one of those people. It's your attitude to it that's crucial.

joeguevara

I am going to be completely honest. I hate when my mates tell people what I do as it has nothing to do with the person I am. Firstly be proud of your achievements. Secondly if a person judges you by what you do then they are not worth it. Finally, it’s a question that always come up. If you don’t want to answer, be vague like ‘I’m in business, retail etc without giving a job spec.

Hope that helps.

Your Face

Dontwanttousemynamehere wrote: »

But in the meantime I don’t know how to handle that question without showing my insecurity.
I don’t want to be slated here, i am looking for advice on how to handle the topic/situation.

My advice would be to own it.
Say what you do with confidence, even if you don't feel it at the start - the confidence will come with repetition.

Rubberchikken

dont be ashamed of your job. anyobe who judges you because of your job is hardly being fair imo.

every job needs to be done. someone has to do them.
do whatever you need to change career if and when you want and in the meantime be proud of your occupation.

good luck

Yellow pack crisps

For gods sake get over it. The people you work for are lovely? I work in hospitality and love it, I have done so since I was 16. I’m 44 now. It’s given me the opportunity to travel everywhere and meet amazing people. Guys for the most part or in my case women, do not 9-10 give a crap what you do once you’re not an ass hole. I would hazzard a guess it’s not your job that’s putting them off but your defence mechanisms at work. Hospitality for most part are flexible places to work and you get perks you don’t get in most jobs. I for one think it’s a noble profession packed with creative and artistic people who work hard and care about what they do. I’m not going to diss other professions as with anything, not one thing defines you in this life. What does define you is how you see yourself as that is how the world sees you eventually. If you don’t like your job then I think that is ok. But if you’re just ashamed of it then that is a deeper rooted problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your profession.

Doctors room ghost

A job is a job.id rather be working cleaning sh1te out of a canary cage then be sitting at home refusing to work and living on entitlements.

MissShihTzu

There is dignity in labour, OP! You earn your money, rather than being on the dole or out robbing for it!!

Working in the hospitality sector means you are providing a service. A much needed service, probably to tourists who see you as one of the faces of your town or city if not Ireland. Be proud of that and represent!

Daisy78

Dontwanttousemynamehere wrote: »

I find that guys loose interest when they hear what I work at, its very noticeable with online dating.

I would use this as a way of filtering men (and people in general) out to be honest. If they so easily put off then they are not really people you want to engage with. But that’s modern dating for you.

Birdsong

Ursus Horribilis wrote:

I wonder are you projecting a bit? Or that guys pick up the "ashamed of your job" vibe from you and that's putting them off? Or that you're coming across as somebody who has something to hide? Why is your job shameful? From what I know of that field, working in hospitality is tough. I for one don't look down on people who work in it. The question is - why are you?

Would agree with this, it's like dating a short man, his insecurities about height is what's off putting, not his height.

DubCount

There is no job you should be ashamed of. You earn a wage and pay your taxes and pay your way though life. Anyone who looks down on someone working at any job is the one who should be ashamed.

Big Bag of Chips

I honestly cannot think of a (legitimate) job that anybody could do that would somehow make me look down on them. I think you are ashamed of your job, and you then are judging everyone else by that standard. So you think/feel/see a reaction when there genuinely is none. People don't actually care, not really, what your job is. They're making polite conversation. It's who you are and how you conduct yourself that will influence people's opinions of you.

I know very well paid people in "respectable" positions who are knobs that I simply can't abide to be in their company. And I know low paid, low skilled workers (job I'm currently in!) who I look forward to spending time with and genuinely enjoy their company.

Nobody cares what job you do. Certainly not to the extent you imagine anyway.

Edit: I also know really sound people in high paying jobs and knobs in unskilled work

Pawwed Rig

You have your own place and are OK financially.
Seriously what is not to like?

Wouldn't be worried about it OP. I doubt anyone has been put off by your job. They may have been put off by your reaction so maybe cool that side of it.

Red Lightning

Could not give a f**k what job a woman had as long as she was happy.

wiggle16

No disrespect OP but I think you're being a bit ridiculous. No man worth having is going to judge you over what you do for a living. A job is just a job. You already know that what's putting men off is your cageyness over what you do. I can't think of a job that would put me off a potential partner - they're the one doing it, not me!

I'm often a little reluctant to tell people what I do but it's not because I'm ashamed of it, it's because of the nature of my job, it's not a profession that's very popular with the general public even though someone has to do it. But if I met a guy and he actually had a problem with it then he could go and sh*te. You should have the same attitude.

whiskeyman

The OP hadn't really made it clear if they're happy with their job though?
They say their employers are great etc... but they feel stuck in a rut and a failure.

You either wish to accept you are happy with your situation and work on that, or work on progressing your career if that's what you want.

With regards what others think, try being more open and say what you do. Don't hide it. If they act odd towards you, they are not the type of people you need in your life.

Neyite

Mod:
Gonad, I appreciate you meant well but I had to delete your post as it contained no advice for the OP and that's one of the rules here.



While your linked picture was amusing, it's not really in the spirit of the forum and also it wasn't labelled NSFW - which any pictures of this nature should be, posted anywhere on the site.

Class of 82

OP, just make light of it when asked e.g. 'it's pays the bills'. Your personality is far more important in these situations.

Church on Tuesday

Speaking as a man I can guarantee you, no man is gonna be pushed about what job you do for a living as long as you're normal, fun to be around with and a positive influence.

The men that do... well you really don't want to be with them anyways.

c.p.w.g.w

I get people almost judging me/feeling ashamed on my behalf about my job. Meet people who I went to college with who seem to look down on me for my job.

But I own my house, financially secure due to my job. Yet some of these people are continually giving out on Facebook about cost of rent and such. But their "status" job is more important

Macdarack

I respect anyone who works at anything, I dispise any able bodied person who chooses not to get up off their holes.

Ursus Horribilis

I know people who've ended up in non high-flying jobs either through choice or circumstances. What about all the people who aren't academic, don't want to work in an office, don't want to be in the rat-race or prefer to concentrate on life outside work? Not to mention the ones whose lives didn't go to plan. Some of my classmates never got to go to college in the first place because their parents couldn't afford it. Then there are the ones who dropped out or chose poorly when it came to courses. The ones who got pregnant unexpectedly etc. etc. The point I'm making is that you can't just tar everyone who's in a job you look down on with the same brush. This is all down to your own attitude to your job and perhaps some snobbery.

misshaversham

When I was a teenager I was embarassed that my mother worked as a cleaner. A relative said 'all work is noble'. All jobs are not good - don't stop where you're at, aim for better - but its still advice to live by

joeguevara

I just want to add something to this. I had met someone a couple of weeks ago who had changed career and was a trainee. She texted me for a bit of advice as she was lacking confidence. She said she was a little embarrassed asking me as she was a trainee and thought I would look down on her. I never have been more attracted to someone because she had the guts to move into something new and wanted tips on how she could progress. Never worry about where you are. Every day is an opportunity to learn. Never be ashamed of your position. If someone looks down on you they should be embarrassed not you.

1874

wiggle16 wrote: »

No disrespect OP but I think you're being a bit ridiculous. No man worth having is going to judge you over what you do for a living. A job is just a job. You already know that what's putting men off is your cageyness over what you do. I can't think of a job that would put me off a potential partner - they're the one doing it, not me!

I'm often a little reluctant to tell people what I do but it's not because I'm ashamed of it, it's because of the nature of my job, it's not a profession that's very popular with the general public even though someone has to do it. But if I met a guy and he actually had a problem with it then he could go and sh*te. You should have the same attitude.

Hang about? I think you're way off the mark, if the OP says the response they got is the response they got, I consider that's it. I definitely got that kind of response when I told different people what I did and as I started out as an apprentice, critical or jokey in earnest comments that I was a grease monkey or the like, both from women and on occasions from their siblings as they didnt consider it meaningful enough for them and theirs.

wiggle16

1874 wrote: »

Hang about? I think you're way off the mark, if the OP says the response they got is the response they got, I consider that's it.

Did you mean to quote me? I didn't say anything about hanging about?

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you everyone for your contributions. I have taken your feedback on board and it is helping me to move forward. I would definitely agree I am projecting my complex about being ashamed of my job and guys are picking up on it.

My confidence has been knocked in the last while as a guy I was seeing ended it with me. In retrospect he treated me like crap, but I cared about him too much to recognise this. It might even have been the case that he wanted me to take the hint and finish it with him. I have accepted that it is time to move on and there are plenty of guys out there. Without being cocky I know I have admirers and a guy even started texting me the evening after my ex finished it with me. My ex definitely has his own emotional issues and it will take more time to get over him but I am getting there. In the meantime I am focusing on having fun, pursuing interests, spending time with family and friends and finding a new job.