Great guy, terrible sex

Jenneke87

I met a new guy. I really like him, he's kind and caring, we both like traveling and being active so do a lot of things together. If I need him, he's there for me and vice versa. He makes me really happy and I wouldn't wanna change anything about him but...

We're a disaster in the bedroom.

We are a total mismatch. He's what one would call (very) vanilla and I'm the opposite. As such, the sex for me is just boring. He finds it very difficult to talk about sex and when I bring it up or ask him what he likes he just doesn't answer and I get a painful, nervous stare. Anything I suggest is not to his liking (I'm talking about maybe using a toy or a little bit of dirty talk) so I don't even dare to suggest anything wilder than that. I totally understand that the person who says "no" is the one to decide and no-one should be doing things they don't want, but it's just so frustrating.

He can't get me to climax either, even with hints and telling him what to do, it's just not happening and it frustrates me. I've noticed that it gets more and more difficult to get aroused and that when we're having sex I'm just in a hurry to get it over with because it doesn't bring me any joy. It just feels like such a shame to end the relationship over this, or whether I should just take the bad with the good. Any advice?

Augme

End it. You can't stay in a relationship where the sex is terrible. You will just end up getting annoyed and frustrated at him because of it and that won't help him or you.

I would r commend sticking with it if I thought he would/could change but he does seem interested or is just too frightened. It seems to be like it could be quite a serious and deep personal issue for him and that isn't going to sort itself out anytime soon. Especially seems like he is very reluctant to fix it.

Good sex is essential for a successful relationship, doesn't matter how great everything else is, if the sex ain't good from the start than the relationship is doomed imo.

baby and crumble

OP when I first starting going out with my now wife, I was super vanilla.

I'm... not any more. So people can change, is what I'm saying.

It may just be that hasn't been with many people before, and he's scared to try new things. He might have hangups from previous relationships. He just might not be into anything other than regular sex, and that's cool. But it sounds as if this is a big deal, and it needs sorting.

My honest advice is to have the horrible, awful, embarrassing conversation. You might, given how you see him reacting to you when you bring it up directly, want to write him a letter that he can read and digest on his own, and tell him in it that you'll bring it up once he's has time to take it in.

I would say, don't let it fester. You'll honestly end up hating him, and sometimes even with everyone best intentions folks just aren't well matched sexually. but you have to, in some ways, force his hand. Tell him that this is a make-or-break issue for you. He mightn't realise just how frustrated you are, and how close you are to ending things with him.

I don't think it's fair that one person can say no to everything and then that's it. How can we ever know if we like something unless we try it? I think I good idea in every relationship is to periodically talk about hard no's - the things that are off the table 100%. Everything else should ideally be up for discussion, at least.

ElizaBennett

I totally agree with baby and crumble. I was pretty unadventurous when I met my now partner and had two very 'hard nos' but all of that changed over time. I learned to trust him and saw that all he wanted was to make me happy and feel good so I gradually tried what he wanted to try and never looked back. But we talked about it right from the start. For the first few months we did a fun post mortem after every sexual encounter and talked about what we particularly liked. I think you need to persevere and get him talking and opening up. Tell him how much the relationship means to you and that you don't want to lose him. Find creative ways to turn him on so he'll try things in a different way, starting with small changes or extras like sex in an unusual location in the house or standing up or whatever. Gradually coax him round by showing him it's fun and makes you closer. Show him what to do to make you climax, get him to help you. You can't let a good man go until you've tried everything. It could just be a case of unlocking a door for him:)

Mr. Incognito

There is no such thing as sexually compatiable.

It is just a matter of experimentation and communication.

If you dont have those in a relationship then theres no point blaming one partner over the other.

Talk to him.

If he is refusing to discuss it and gives you the death stare then he is not a great guy at all and that's going to lead to enormous problems.

khaldrogo

Jenneke87 wrote:

He can't get me to climax either, even with hints and telling him what to do, it's just not happening and it frustrates me. I've noticed that it gets more and more difficult to get aroused and that when we're having sex I'm just in a hurry to get it over with because it doesn't bring me any joy. It just feels like such a shame to end the relationship over this, or whether I should just take the bad with the good. Any advice?

Just be straight with him and tell him what you've told us. Give him the chance to change and if not, off you hop......

Shelli2

How long are you seeing him? He may need to build up some trust before letting loose so to speak.

Addle

Shelli2 wrote: »

How long are you seeing him? He may need to build up some trust before letting loose so to speak.

Ya, how new is he OP?
Give him a chance.

brendanwalsh

<snipped>
Instead of giving "hints" why don't you tell him directly.

bottar1

Communicate, give him a chance. Also if he does try something you really like, make sure to let him know afterwords how awesome that was. This will build his confidence and keep him trying harder.

cannotlogin

I agree with a huge amount of what's already been said but please don't consider giving him a letter.

No matter how delicately written a letter, any even hint of criticism of sexual performance would be difficult for most people to accept and certainly won't do anything for his confidence.

Maybe take the focus off you for a while, try new things which focus on him, showing him variety etc can be exciting. It might result in him become more eager to please you too but either way, there probably needs to be a conversation about the sex life you both want.

Richard Hillman

If he ain't getting it now, think of the staleness in a couple of years time when the excitement is gone.

LegacyUser

All the advice seems to be 'talk to him' ..it sounds like you've tried, on various occasions and been fairly straight up with him about what turns you on and how to do it. You've been more than patient and honest and straight talking,you've given him chances and pointed him in the right direction. If he's not taking the advice or at least trying he's incredible selfish and using his shyness as an excuse to be lazy. I've been in your shoes and ended up having sex like yourself just to get through it. And I'm over it- why should he be the one to get pleasure and you don't?? Why do we accept that that's how things are, that guys can't follow a few basic instructions and make a bit of an effort... It's disheartening, and it won't get better ..are you ok with **** sex and eventually being in pain having sex because the guy is so crap you can't even get turned on anymore? Sex for me is very much about feelings and if I felt the guy wasn't tuned into me and what works I'd be very put off..

osarusan

Is he oblivious to the fact that you don't enjoy it much at all, or does he know it?

If he knows it, but isn't keen to make it a better experience for you (through selfishness, prudishness, whatever), I don't think there is much you can do about that.

If he's oblivious to it, there is still some hope. As others have said, you could try asking him loads of questions about what feels good for him, and show him how important his pleasure is to you, in the hope that he'll start to feel the same way and ask you the same questions.

It would be a very awkward conversation to say directly, if tactfully, that you are just not satisifed with your sex life. But, if he's as nice a guy as you say he is, and you want to be in a relationship with him (just with better sex) then isn't it a conversation worth having?

leggo

I wouldn’t tell him exactly what you’ve said here. Telling someone who seems to have low confidence that they’re terrible at the thing they’re not confident about isn’t going to improve the situation.

Whether ‘sexual compatibility’ exists or not, the phrase itself is useful for conversations like this. Just talk about how you want to improve things and try new stuff because you’re worried you guys may not be compatible but everything else is great. Don’t expect miracles overnight but encourage him when he does get stuff right and train him basically. It can be really rewarding when you train someone less experienced to do things exactly the way you like them.

Or just leave if that sounds like too much work and doesn’t interest you. It is a perfectly valid thing to leave over. Are you going to go your entire life without another orgasm for the sake of not hurting this lad like? Putting up with this kinda stuff is how people end up cheating and so on. So definitely go one way or the other now you’ve admitted it’s an issue.

suicide_circus

are you interested in working on it? What percent of the time you are together are you having sex? Probably 10% or less? Is the other 90% good? Its gonna be an awkward conversation regardless. He may be happy with the sex. if so, ultimately the issue is yours and you'll have to do the ground work to solve ut.

Jenneke87

Hi there,

Gonna bump my own thread. So, things havent really improved. I don 't know what to do, nothing seems to work. When we attempt sex I have trouble getting wet because there is just no chemistry but he doesnt seem to notice that so when he tries to penetrate me I'm still dry. I always have to ask him to stop as its too painful and sometimes I'm bleeding:( Its killing my sexdrive up to the point I'd rather just stop having sex all together.

Talking hasn't really helped. We didnt had this problem in the first few months, I think because everything was still somewhat exciting and new, so his reasoning is that because there wasnt a problem back then there shouldnt be one now..

Any feedback given is seen as an attack on his performance. He says he doesnt know what to do because he never had this problem before.

I feel like I have to choose between a bad sex live but an otherwise good relationship or break up and hope someone else will come along..

qwerty13

“he doesnt seem to notice that so when he tries to penetrate me I'm still dry. I always have to ask him to stop as its too painful and sometimes I'm bleeding”

That is just astounding. You don’t sound like you’re both 15, so how can a grown man be so sexually unaware?? Like is there no foreplay, would he not check that you were ready (by asking you, or preferably physically checking)? Bad sex is one thing - hurting the other person is a whole different scenario (even if it is not deliberate, but through blinkered selfishness).

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like sex to him is just ‘wham bam thank you mam’, and you’re just a receptacle to him. Are you sure that he’s a kind / considerate person in other areas of his life / how he treats you?

strandroad

Jenneke87 wrote: »

When we attempt sex I have trouble getting wet because there is just no chemistry but he doesnt seem to notice that so when he tries to penetrate me I'm still dry. I always have to ask him to stop as its too painful and sometimes I'm bleeding:(

Whatever about his overall style, this is ridiculous. How can he not know if you're ready, I mean it's quite obvious to feel? And why won't you tell him to wait either?

Can you see any chance of you actually communicating and improving together? I don't get this impression from your post, looks like a hopeless case...

zapper55

Just because he was never told about the problem before doesn't mean other women didn't have the same issue. What a completely unhelpful response he gave you.

It sounds like you aren't aroused enough. And tbh if a guy responded like he did to me, I'd have trouble getting aroused too. I presume you've suggested more foreplay, more attention on the nipples, on him going down on you or finger penetration, depending on what gets you going.

Has he made any effort?

milli milli

He finds it very difficult to talk about sex and when I bring it up or ask him what he likes he just doesn't answer and I get a painful, nervous stare.

OP have you ruled out any issues from his past as to why he finds it difficult to talk about sex?
Has he had an overly strict upbringing? Is he a virgin/very inexperienced? Or did anything bad sexually happen to him growing up?
Or he could be just clueless. But it might be enlightening to know why there is a block there and it might help you going forward.

LegacyUser

Call it a day, OP. He feels like he's under attack if you try to talk to him so that rules being able to have an open and honest conversation with him out of the question. He's shutting you down by going on the defensive.

Honestly, bad sex is one thing, painful and bleeding is a whole other thing!!!

Are you going to endure 40 years of painful and bloody sex because this guy won't listen to you?

Use your head here, there are better guys out there. If I were in your shoes, I'd be ending it.

lainey_d_123

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Hi there,

Gonna bump my own thread. So, things havent really improved. I don 't know what to do, nothing seems to work. When we attempt sex I have trouble getting wet because there is just no chemistry but he doesnt seem to notice that so when he tries to penetrate me I'm still dry. I always have to ask him to stop as its too painful and sometimes I'm bleeding:( Its killing my sexdrive up to the point I'd rather just stop having sex all together.

Talking hasn't really helped. We didnt had this problem in the first few months, I think because everything was still somewhat exciting and new, so his reasoning is that because there wasnt a problem back then there shouldnt be one now..

Any feedback given is seen as an attack on his performance. He says he doesnt know what to do because he never had this problem before.

I feel like I have to choose between a bad sex live but an otherwise good relationship or break up and hope someone else will come along..

Had the exact same issue with someone once. In my case, the entire relationship had started to sour and the good things no longer made up for this stuff.

He would also say he'd never had that problem before, as if that meant it wasn't a problem. I was thinking to myself, what woman would tolerate this? Well, they didn't. He'd hardly had any relationships longer than a few months (at the age of 35!) and never seemed to ask himself why. Some people just have no self awareness at all. At first I'd assumed he knew he had issues and was embarrassed. No, turns out he thought he was great in bed because nobody had ever complained (to his face).

It's a tricky situation to be in. It's hard to find someone genuinely nice and compatible with the same life goals, especially the older you get as the dating pool thins. It's all well and good for people to say 'dump him' but it isn't that easy when the alternative is likely meeting a run of players and maybe ending up single again for years. I'd give it one last stab, and tell him so. Tell him you really like him and want a future but things need to improve in terms of him listening to your needs in bed. If he still won't listen, then probably time to end it.

The Princess Bride

It's over 5 months since you first posted OP.
It's obvious things are worse not better.
Despite the good things between you both, this issue is too significant to ignore.

You've tried talking, he can't even acknowledge that there is a problem, so surely it's time to call it a day.

waffleman

Plenty of alcohol and lube. When hes well pissed up tell him exactly what you like and make sure he knows how much you like it. Maybe when he sees how it pleases you he'll change his tune.

If it goes well go at it again the next day with the hangover horn. If it still goes well it might just be salvageable.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're going to have to issue him with an ultimatum here. It doesn't matter if every other woman he was with previously swung from the chandeliers. He's with you now and you have a problem. Last time I checked, sex was supposed to be a fun thing two people did to enjoy themselves. This isn't about his performance or lack of. It's supposed to be the two of you having fun and doing something pleasurable. I too wonder how great he is if he isn't concerned with how much of a good time you're having.. It's he OK with hurting you or making you bleed?

qwerty13

If you stay with this guy and things remain the same, there’s a high chance that your self confidence / self esteem will take a nose dive. I don’t even understand how you can be happy around him outside the bedroom if things are this bad in the bedroom. But the worst thing to me is that he’s just not listening to you at all - and that he’d seemingly rather hurt you than talk to you. That’s not a good trait at all.

shesty

I'll jump further down the line OP....you think you can "put up" with it now but if you end up together long term and if there happens to be kids...it will blow up.Kids put massive pressure on your relationship and anything simmering under the surface that you have pushed away will rise up and come out.

As someone else said it's been five months now and he is hurting you, unintentionally or not.It's reached it's end, I think.

Purple Mountain

One word stands out in your most recent post, 'chemistry'.
I'm wondering if there is even a physical spark there at all when you mention chemistry?
If not then it's definitely time to call it a day.

Granadino

waffleman wrote: »

Plenty of alcohol and lube. When hes well pissed up tell him exactly what you like and make sure he knows how much you like it. Maybe when he sees how it pleases you he'll change his tune.

If it goes well go at it again the next day with the hangover horn. If it still goes well it might just be salvageable.

Probably the worst advice you could give on this topic. Relying on alcohol or being pissed drunk to have to enjoy something means you're only creating a crutch, which means every time they want to be intimate they have to have drink taken. That's a recipe for disaster and for health. Taking booze to enjoy something more than they already do, fair enough, but maybe they should go the full hog and be pissed drunk all the time in each other's company.

bitofabind

Your first post was March. It's now September. Why have you stayed with this guy for another 5/6 months if there's been no resolution and the problem has been actively getting worse?

is this something you can get over or live with? It's not changing and it's not going to change. You are sexually incompatible. Is this a dealbreaker or are there other advantages to being in a relationship with him that make you want to overlook this?

waffleman

Granadino wrote: »

Probably the worst advice you could give on this topic. Relying on alcohol or being pissed drunk to have to enjoy something means you're only creating a crutch, which means every time they want to be intimate they have to have drink taken. That's a recipe for disaster and for health. Taking booze to enjoy something more than they already do, fair enough, but maybe they should go the full hog and be pissed drunk all the time in each other's company.

I was suggesting a 1 time idea to loosen the guy up a bit and maybe he sees the error of his ways from that point on without having to drink.


I dont know about you but I can have a drink with someone without becoming an alcoholic.

Floppybits

OP, if he is not making the effort to improve and won't even talk about sex then you will have to make a decision to stick it out or move on. As Doodaa says why should you be the one that has to put up with crap sex? If he is not willing to meet you half way then he is being selfish.

osarusan

Maybe he's incredibly embarrassed about it, or just doesn't care, or just refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. Does it really matter at this stage?

After this much time, things are no better. Maybe it's even worse. I don't think there is much hope at all that things will ever get any better. For whatever reason, it isn't something he seems to want to deal with at all.

lainey_d_123

bitofabind wrote: »

Your first post was March. It's now September. Why have you stayed with this guy for another 5/6 months if there's been no resolution and the problem has been actively getting worse?

is this something you can get over or live with? It's not changing and it's not going to change. You are sexually incompatible. Is this a dealbreaker or are there other advantages to being in a relationship with him that make you want to overlook this?

She says that everything else is great. How easy do you think it is to meet someone you get along with and treats you well and wants the same things? I've barely ever in my life had good sex and good treatment from the same person.

zapper55

That's really sad that you haven't had both Lainey. But definitely no reason for the OP to stay with him. I honestly dont know how you've put up with uncomfortable sex for months OP.

OP put it this way, if your partner had a painful penis if he wasnt aroused enough I'm sure you'd do everything you could to make him comfortable. You wouldnt act like he is. And that's what it boils down to.

Jenneke87

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of your replies. They've been very helpful and definitely gave food for thought. Some of you asked why I did not split up with him, but besides this, things are really good between us and I don't want to throw away a good relationship without trying. I don't know much about his previous relationships but it apparently worked out fine between them in bedroom. I talked to him yesterday about this and initially he was very reluctant and tried to avoid the conversation. I told him this is becoming a deal breaker for me and that we need to work on this. I told him what I need from him and that we can't keep going like this and he agreed. I hope it will work out for the best

qwerty13

‘Besides this’ would be a massive thing to me. I’m not being smart; but sex is a big thing in a relationship. I mean surely that’s what differentiates friends from lovers?

zapper55

zapper55 wrote: »

That's really sad that you haven't had both Lainey. But definitely no reason for the OP to stay with him. I honestly dont know how you've put up with uncomfortable sex for months OP.

OP put it this way, if your partner had a painful penis if he wasnt aroused enough I'm sure you'd do everything you could to make him comfortable. You wouldnt act like he is. And that's what it boils down to.

Does he know you are suffering pain? Have you told him? Orgasm face and sound often looks like pain face and sound. Maybe he's very inexperienced.

zapper55

Even an inexperienced person would see blood and realise something is up. Also she did mention it and he said there wasn't a problem before, why should there be one now.and also he was embarrassed to discuss it in detail.

Inexperience would be no excuse for a lack of empathy and compassion.

leggo

To be fair, a lot of lads don't even think about pain being a part of sex for women. Only reason I'd be aware of it is I worked with all-women for years and would've been privy to chats like this, but yeah it's not something we experience ourselves so it is kinda something that you need to be made aware of.

If he doesn't want to hear of it after he tells you he's causing you pain...that's a whole other story and will make your decision a lot easier I imagine.

leggo

leggo wrote: »

To be fair, a lot of lads don't even think about pain being a part of sex for women. Only reason I'd be aware of it is I worked with all-women for years and would've been privy to chats like this, but yeah it's not something we experience ourselves so it is kinda something that you need to be made aware of.

If he doesn't want to hear of it after he tells you he's causing you pain...that's a whole other story and will make your decision a lot easier I imagine.

Well I as a man experience pain during sex because of a tight foreskin if the woman isn't lubricated it just won't work for me either. So it's not just women. Agreed though it's not something that men think about as a general rule.

Jenneke87

Sorry for bumping again . I just feel so upset right now, I'm really at a loss.

Sinds we had our talk we attempted sex a number of times and true to his word he spend more time on foreplay and there was definately improvement. As soon as we tries penetration It all went downhill. It still hurted going in, it startend burning so much after a couple of minutes. When he withdrew his penis was covered in blood ( mine unfortunately) and we couldnt continue. Even now I can still feel pain between my legs

I cant understand why It didnt work, he really tried..im so stressed over this and what It will mean for our relationship and the future...thx for reading again..

strandroad

OP you need a medical opinion. What you're describing looks like a condition well beyond any natural response to even most clumsy approaches.

Well done on the communication though; you may have a hope yet?

Dial Hard

I think at this point you probably need medical advice, tbh. This doesn't sound like it's just mismatched libidos/poor communication.

LegacyUser

Are you actually attracted to him, OP? Even with foreplay, if you're not really into the other person, it is not going to work. I get that you like him, but are you attracted to him? Do you get aroused looking at him, touching him, kissing him?

I've tried having sex when I'm 100% not in the mood (with someone I'm attracted to) and even though I may get a bit wet, it dries too quickly and yeah, I've bled a bit, and been sore and had to stop because my body is completely closed off to it and forcing myself to "get in the mood" doesn't work.

Maybe this is a medical issue, and I would definitely agree about getting yourself checked out. But also this may be your body's way of telling you you're not really, truly into this guy.

Jenneke87

Thanks for the responses. I have an appointment next week.

@its not happening; its a tough question. I've rarely experienced either pleasant sex or a strong sexual attraction. I know I used to in the beginning of the relation but now when he touches me I just feel panic coming and know that pain is coming and trying to brace myself for it.

Ursus Horribilis

If that's the case, perhaps you need to see a sex therapist?

zapper55

OP that puts a very very different slant on things. The advice would have been quite different had you said from the start that you rarely have pleasant sex. That is an issue far bigger than your boyfriend.

A womens health physiotherapist deals with this type of problem. Ask your GP for a recommendation.

Jenneke87

zapper55 wrote: »

OP that puts a very very different slant on things. The advice would have been quite different had you said from the start that you rarely have pleasant sex. That is an issue far bigger than your boyfriend.

A womens health physiotherapist deals with this type of problem. Ask your GP for a recommendation.

Sorry, I didn't mean to purposefully leave out that information. I just figured that I've always been unfortunate in that area and that you know, thats what it was going to be for me, just not enjoyable but bearable enough to do it for him,and when It went from bad to outright painful I never stoppen to consider that maybe I'm the problem instead of anything else.

zapper55

Ah no dont be thinking that you are the problem. If you had a broken leg you wouldnt blame yourself would you? Go chat to your doc and see what they say. There is lots that can be done including exercises you can do yourself. The hardest part is asking for help xx