I am not physically attracted to my partner

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'm sorry OP, I don't want to be mean, but this is all a load of fluff and filler. It doesn't mean anything. The way you are talking about this is just really, really odd.

For a moment, forget the "spark", forget the "beautiful connection" you say you have. You're not attracted to her. She thinks you are and you know this. So she is being deceived. It doesn't matter how open you are with other things: if you are keeping something like this from her, you're not open.
If she knew how you felt it's likely she would not be in this relationship - that is the definition of being strung along.
Beautiful or not, your connection isn't enough for you, because if it was you wouldn't be posting here. You feel strongly enough about this to post online about it, so much so that you don't want to be intimate with her and want her to wear clothes in bed. That's not a lack of attraction, that's finding someone repulsive. You want her to be physically different, so that you can be attracted to her.

Even saying it like that is dressing it up. Let's be honest - you want her to lose weight.

Saying if she does change, you want it to be for her, doesn't mean anything, because you do want her to change - it doesn't matter if she does it for herself or for you. So it's an infinitely expanding tautology with nothing in it.
What's the relevance of some woman on the Late Late Show who had jealous mates? That has nothing to do with her.

You keep talking about how you feel. What about how she feels? She wants something from you that you can't give her, because you find her repulsive. With respect, you need to stop telling yourself empty phrases like "she needs to change for her" and having "beautiful energy". If you're not attracted to her, that's fine. You can't help that, that's no crime. But it's wrong to string someone along, letting them think you are attracted to them, because you enjoy their company, or for whatever other reason.

No one here is going to tell you that it's okay to try and change her. Take her as she is, or let her go. If you really care about her, you'll let her go and find someone who fancies the árse off her, and go find someone who is physically your type.

I have not hidden that I respect physical fitness. That was my way of sensitively communicating how I feel. We both are content outside of the bedroom.

Sharing that I respect physical fitness is not deception. Yes, I feel strongly that I want to speak with someone about it. Here in relationship issues is where I have come.

I know, I am finding her repulsive in the bedroom. The fact I'm on here possibly shows it reaching a stage where I know it's not right. I don't want to end our relationship though. It doesn't feel like a reason to do so but it is pushing me away.

I need to find out how she feels on our physical intimate level. She seems content. She has said she is very happy many times. I am too outside of the bedroom.

Being physically fitter will suit her. If I was not in her life, being physically fitter would suit her life.

LegacyUser

RoyalCelt wrote: »

If he's not healthy and that's an issue then you're entitled to leave. Alternatively you are entitled to let her know you are not enjoying the sex because of her physical shape. She might decide to get healthy then happy days for you both. Or she might not an you can go your separate ways.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know I'm not bound. I'm stuck. I'll take time to respectfully figure it out for me, her and our relationship.

I am not going to directly say that I'm not attracted to her. That's insensitive and could damage anyone's self esteem.

Ursus Horribilis

That beautiful connection you describe is a good friendship, not a relationship. Regardless of whether you take our advice here or not, this relationship is doomed. Something will happen down the line that ends it.

Even if she did lose weight, what will happen if she gets pregnant? How about when she ages? What if she ends up with a body with saggy bits and lumps and bumps? You seem to be trying to talk yourself into staying in a relationship with someone who don't fancy and never really did. It's not good enough for you and it's not good enough for her.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

OP you don't have a connection above friendship. You don't accept her for who she is. She wouldn't be with you if she knew how you really felt about her. Both are essential for a relationship to work. So no, you're friends, and even then if she knew you felt that way that mightn't be the case. This is all a sham and you're being cruel wasting her time by pursuing it further, so you're not even being a good friend tbh.

We have a connection above friendship. I have shared by thoughts about fitness. I am not hiding that.

LegacyUser

Dalomanakora wrote: »

Something to bear in mind, OP, is that she may never have a fit looking body anyway, even if she does lose weight.


I lost a lot of weight, for me. And I'll never have a tight, fit, athletic body. What I have is loose skin and faded stretch marks and wobbly bits.



Even if she loses weight, exercises lots and tones up, if she's been bigger for all of her life, her body will never be your ideal, because long term weight gain messes with the skin's elasticity.




Ultimately though, you don't want her to lose weight for her. You keep saying that, but your posts are about your lack of attraction to her body. At least be honest, you want her to lose it for your sexual pleasure.


It's absolutely fine to have a specific body type you find sexually attractive. But it's not okay to date someone with the intention of changing them.

I do want her to lose weight for her. That's the difference here. I do have an honest feeling of wanting her to lose weight for her. You are right though, in our relationship it would be a sexual pleasure. That's true too.

I don't have the intention to change her. She is who she is. I ultimately have to respectfully and sensitively figure this out for me, her and our relationship.

LegacyUser

There is something very creepy about your posts OP. you just keep repeating the same thing over and over about this 'beautiful connection' without any further explanation of what that means. This isn't a partner who was slim and piled on weight, this is how she's looked from day 01. You say it's great other than going to bed but you've also said you don't enjoy hugging or kissing. this isn't just a bedroom issue. Can you hold her hand in public, place your hand on her back as you walk somewhere, put your arm around when sitting in the pub or cinema. Physical attraction isn't just about sex, it's the little touches we give someone we are romantically connected to that are different to how we touch family or friends. if you find yourself so repulsed by her physical appearance that you don't even want to hug her than I'm sorry you don't have a beautiful connection

baby and crumble

Alright, this is the last thing I'll say on thread because OP, you really aren't listening to people.

1) You're not attracted to your partner. That's fine, nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone, but you have to admit that being 'repulsed' by someone you claim to love is not a good sign at all.

2) You say you 'respect' physical fitness. What about respect for your partner?

3) Put yourself in your partners shoes for a moment. How would you feel if she was repulsed at the sight of you? If she looked at your body and was like 'oh god, gross'? What would happen if she said she preferred a guy with a bit more weight on them? Would you then be happy to hear that, and put on weight?

4) You're being INCREDIBLY selfish. Everything you say here is about what YOU want, and about what YOU find attractive etc. You're wasting this womans time. There is nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone - nobody here is telling you otherwise. What is wrong is pretending like you're attracted to her sexually by being in a relationship with her, and actually feeling repulsed by her.

leggo

guest190318 wrote: »

We have a connection above friendship. I have shared by thoughts about fitness. I am not hiding that.

Yeah and it’s BS and fooling nobody, except for yourself maybe.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

How do you know she’s not healthy, OP? Plenty of overweight people are healthy. They might not look it on the outside, but I have plenty of friends that are overweight that can run a 10k no bother, lift a pile of weights and have zero issues with their heart etc. assuming something because of her weight is a pretty ****ty thing to do.

Likewise I can gaurentee she’s not happy with your sex life. If she has a higher sex drive than you then she will have picked up on your lack of enthusiasm. As someone who has dealt with this in the past there’s almost nothing worse than thinking your partner doesn’t fancy you. In your case it’s actually true so I’d really advise you to stop being selfish and let her go find happiness somewhere else as she is and then you can too.

Can I ask a question? Do you felt anyone sexually attractive? So you masturbate, fantasize, all that on the regular? You talk a lot about connections etc and tbh it’s reminding me of how my asexual or grey sexual friends talk. And yeah, of course a deeper connection is really important in a long term relationship but you’re only together a few months. This is the time you cement your connection physically- especially if your partner is a sexual being like you describe.

She would struggle to jog 5k.

You're touching on something here, if she is sensing I am not into her sexually and she knows I like fitness, what is she likely to do?

I do find women sexually attractive. My previous partners were sexually attractive. I don't have an experience that I can relate this to.

wiggle16

guest190318 wrote: »

I have not hidden that I respect physical fitness. That was my way of sensitively communicating how I feel. We both are content outside of the bedroom.
Sharing that I respect physical fitness is not deception.

Yes it is deception. You're not telling her the truth, you're telling her something completely different and hoping she'll take the hint. You haven't told her that you find her so repulsive you want her to wear clothes to bed. Being "sensitive" does not mean making oblique references to other topics.

I don't want to end our relationship though. It doesn't feel like a reason to do so.

It is reason to end it. A big reason. You're in a relationship under false pretences with a problem you cannot change. You need to leave.

I need to find out how she feels on our physical intimate level. She seems content. She has said she is very happy many times. I am too outside of the bedroom.

She's happy because she doesn't know you'd be happier if she wore a potato sack to bed. So it doesn't matter how happy she is right now. And you're not happy either. And you're not going to be.

Being physically fitter will suit her. If I was not in her life, being physically fitter would suit her life.

That's a truism, everyone would be better off being physically fitter. It's not relevant, because this has nothing to do with her health. You don't want her to be physically fitter for her health, you want her to be physically fitter because you are repelled by her body.

We are going in circles here, and you are not listening. You need to stop repeating irrelevant, parallel points to yourself, nothing you say is going to make this okay.
You need to stop justifying what you are saying by saying it would be good for her to be fitter - so what? It's disingenuous. It's not the reason you want her to shed a couple of stone and tone up.

Bite the bullet and leave. You are being a coward, OP. I'm sorry, but you are. Stop being afraid of hurting her feelings and do the decent thing and leave her. Let her find someone who loves her for who and what she is.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

OP, let's say that in response to you hinting that she lose weight, your girlfriend said "I'm happy how I am and don't want to change". Would you be satisfied with that and accept a relationship without physical affection? It sounds like your girlfriend with her high sex drive wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship. It's weird you'd get into a relationship with someone you don't fancy and expect it to effectively remain platonic unless they change in the way you want.

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you be happy to stay with someone who was choking down vomit at the thought of your naked body? Whatever weight she is, she can do better.

If it's not her intention to lose weight, that's her decision. It's not a question of acceptance from me. It's healthy to try and fix a problem in a relationship. That has to be people being themselves and what's right for them.

It might be different to your experiences but it's not weird. Two people struck a beautiful connection and get on very well. Rightly or wrongly I thought I could get over the sexual side. I am finding now that it is not the case. Something might have to give. That's where I am.

If people want a relationship to work, they will be understanding. They will also and sit down and say so to speak, here's our problem and here is how we can fix it if it's respectful, sensitive, healthy and acceptable for you, I and our relationship.

baby and crumble

guest190318 wrote: »

.
I do find women sexually attractive. My previous partners were sexually attractive. I don't have an experience that I can relate this to.

I'd like to correct this.

"My previous partners were sexually attractive to me".

I guarantee there's a few folks out there right now who fancy the arse off your girlfriend. You should let her go and find them, frankly.

And you do have experience you can relate this to. To the hundreds of thousands of people you see every single day that you aren't attracted to. Do you go around telling them they have to loose weight in order for you to fancy them? No, because it'd be weird.

LegacyUser

LolaJJ wrote: »

Honestly can't get my head around this at all.

End the relationship, give the girl an opportunity to meet someone who will appreciate all of her.

Part of being in a loving and healthy relationship is being able to love someone and their imperfections, not try to change them or encourage them to be more like ourselves.

God forbid your relationship was to encounter any real issues

Also, what you perceive as a beautiful connection is actually not a connection at all, so I would revisit that if I were you

True, that's why we are where we are. I thought I could live with the imperfections but now I'm getting more unsure. I want to respectfully and sensitively fix the problem. If that is wrong or not for us, I'll have to accept that.

Our relationship has encountered real issues. We have spoken openly about those. It has strengthened and is a strength of our relationship.

Sure, I've read what you've written but there is a beautiful connection.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

That beautiful connection you describe is a good friendship, not a relationship. Regardless of whether you take our advice here or not, this relationship is doomed. Something will happen down the line that ends it.

Even if she did lose weight, what will happen if she gets pregnant? How about when she ages? What if she ends up with a body with saggy bits and lumps and bumps? You seem to be trying to talk yourself into staying in a relationship with someone who don't fancy and never really did. It's not good enough for you and it's not good enough for her.

She misses me and would like us to have more time together. People are right to say she probably senses my sexual distance. I want to understand that so that I can respectfully and sensitively talk to her. My mindset is that I want to fix the problem. People who want to be in a relationship do look to respectfully fix problems without compromising their own values and self worth.

LegacyUser

can't log in wrote: »

There is something very creepy about your posts OP. you just keep repeating the same thing over and over about this 'beautiful connection' without any further explanation of what that means. This isn't a partner who was slim and piled on weight, this is how she's looked from day 01. You say it's great other than going to bed but you've also said you don't enjoy hugging or kissing. this isn't just a bedroom issue. Can you hold her hand in public, place your hand on her back as you walk somewhere, put your arm around when sitting in the pub or cinema. Physical attraction isn't just about sex, it's the little touches we give someone we are romantically connected to that are different to how we touch family or friends. if you find yourself so repulsed by her physical appearance that you don't even want to hug her than I'm sorry you don't have a beautiful connection

Thanks for your post. I like kissing her. I can enjoy passionately kissing someone without it leading to sex.

I love holding her hand wherever we are. I do place my hand on her back and put my arm around her anywhere. That physical connection is there alright and is beautiful.

Dalomanakora

guest190318 wrote: »

She misses me and would like us to have more time together. People are right to say she probably senses my sexual distance. I want to understand that so that I can respectfully and sensitively talk to her. My mindset is that I want to fix the problem. People who want to be in a relationship do look to respectfully fix problems without compromising their own values and self worth.

No, you want her to fix your problem.

Idle Passerby

You keep saying you want to fix the problem. For all anyone knows your girlfriend doesn't see her weight as a problem so it may well be just a problem for you. In which case it's your problem to fix, not hers.

If you were to ask her to loose weight here's some likely outcomes: she'll break up with you because you dont value her as she is. So much for the "beautiful connection". Or she'll be very insulted/hurt and try to lose weight to keep you, always wondering what the next fault will be in your eyes.

I don't see the relationship working OP. Attraction is the spark that starts relationships. If it isn't there at the very beginning what's the point of forcing it? She deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with her.

Franz Von Peppercorn

guest190318 wrote: »

If it's not her intention to lose weight, that's her decision. It's not a question of acceptance from me. It's healthy to try and fix a problem in a relationship. That has to be people being themselves and what's right for them.

It might be different to your experiences but it's not weird. Two people struck a beautiful connection and get on very well. Rightly or wrongly I thought I could get over the sexual side. I am finding now that it is not the case. Something might have to give. That's where I am.

If people want a relationship to work, they will be understanding. They will also and sit down and say so to speak, here's our problem and here is how we can fix it if it's respectful, sensitive, healthy and acceptable for you, I and our relationship.

Fairly easy to say - want to start jogging with me and see what happens from there.

wiggle16

Okay. OP you are not listening to the advice you have been given, this is just going in circles.

It's seldom that the consensus in PI/RI is unanimous, but when it happens it's a clear indicator of what you need to do. While PI is not consensus based, the fact that everyone has said the same thing must tell you something.

You're not taking anything on board and I don't think you're going to. As such, I am locking this thread.

I hope you read over this thread and do the right thing by this woman. She deserves better than this.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Thread locked