Partner woes

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. Apologies for the long post.

My partner smokes weed every day. I’m not sure if I am being unreasonable and hence I have come here for some outside perspective. Both late 30s. We have dated for 4 years but only started living together the past year when I became pregnant. I was not aware he smoked every day until then.


Admittedly he smokes usually in the evening (some weekend afternoons) and he claims it is only a small amount every night. I have asked him numerous times to cut down the nights he smokes, mainly out of concern for when he is driving his kids to school early the next morning (he also takes prescription sleeping tablets as well as antidepressants and I’m concerned about drowsiness; his kids stay with us half the week).

I also asked him to stop smoking around the time I was due to give birth so he would be ready to drive me to hospital - he didn’t stop - we had a huge argument about it and then he proceeded to ask me every evening if he thought tonight might be the night I would have the baby. If I said no, he smoked. I then caught him smoking in the house (up the chimney) the first week we brought the baby home. He promised me previously he would always smoke outside. This was after I found some butts in the fire and, after I asked him, he said he had just brought them in from outside.


Most recently I caught him smoking mid week in the afternoon after promising me it was only in the evenings. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t smoke myself. Before people start the whole legal v illegal debate I would like to say I think I have a pretty relaxed attitude. And if my partner was drinking in the afternoon I would have issue with that too. I would say he is a functioning addict, holds down a well paying job (he works from home) but he has made some really silly mistakes in the past which I’m starting to think is a consequence of his daily habit. Example, we have had to put on hold getting a mortgage for a few years due to his bad credit rating resulting from when he forgot to pay off a credit card. By his own admission, he said this was maybe due to his smoking and he actually stopped for nearly a month after the bank flagged it (he was aiming for a month of abstinence but didn’t quite make it).


At this stage I think I’m more concerned about the lies, empty promises and general untrustworthiness. I also don’t want my baby growing up in this environment where weed is the norm and an everyday thing. I've already caught his older child playing with his grinder. Does anyone have advice? It might sound extreme but I’ve been thinking of leaving him which breaks my heart as I do love him and he is a good person. Unfortunately he seems to have chosen weed over me.

woodchuck

It might sound extreme but I’ve been thinking of leaving him

This doesn't sound extreme at all. Smoking weed daily when kids are in the house is absolutely deplorable behaviour. I wouldn't trust someone to look after kids if they were high all the time. And it's setting a horrible example for them as well.

He needs a serious wake up call. I'd try taking to him again and tell him that you're seriously considering walking if he doesn't stop. And I would actually leave if he doesn't stop. You can't have the kids exposed to this. IF he starts taking action to quit (cutting back won't cut it), then I'd consider going back to him. But he really needs to prove he's serious about it, which obviously he's not atm.

joeguevara

It’s the lies and the insubordination that are the issues here much more than the actual weed smoking. If you were alright with him smoking, if it didn’t affect your relationship, or possible effect on unborn child, or if it didn’t possibly affect the safety of driving kids to school and if he didn’t lie about usage then there would be no issue as you are both adults.

However none of the ‘if’s above in this case are true. So basically he has put weed smoking ahead of being in partnership with you he has broken trust and displays lack of respect. You have asked him but maybe not as direct as it could have been (I don’t know) and possibly without consequences of your request.

Try a discussion outlining what you wand and feel you deserve. If he can’t work with you then it’s time to make tough decisions. I don’t think smoking weed is a bad th8ng (hate the taste and effects myself) but doing it in front of. A pregnant woman, driving kids when there could be a residue affecting driving and lying about it are issues that a person should put up with.

LegacyUser

He doesn't smoke in the house (apart from that time I caught him) so it's not like the kids are around it. In saying that, he does go outside in the evenings to walk the dog which is when he would have a smoke and then comes back inside to us all. So I guess we are 'around it' in that sense.
He claims he smokes just the tiniest amount and when I ask him why he can't then cut back on days, he says he gets just the "smallest buzz" from it and so it has no effect on him. He doesn't drink so this would be his main outlet. I just feel like I give him an inch and he takes a mile. I've 'nagged' and begged for him to cut down and threatened to leave - I guess these are my own empty threats at this stage now so he thinks why should he change.

In the past, I asked him to stop taking the prescription sleeping tablets - I was more worried about this before our baby came along and the thoughts of second hand smoking was an issue. He only takes a half tablet at the minimum dosage but he has been on these tablets for years now when they are only meant to be a short term solution (he started taking after the breakdown of his last relationship). I know his doctor wanted him to stop and prescribed antidepressants to help. I don't know if he still takes these. But he still takes the sleeping tablets as I have found them lying around a few times - again an issue I have raised with him as we will soon have a toddler crawling around putting things in his mouth.

There seems to be an excuse for it all and I sometimes think maybe I am the one with the issue and need to relax more, etc. But I guess we all have different tolerance levels for these things and it doesn't mean one is right or wrong. Maybe just incompatible.

Jurgen Klopp

I'm sorry I know it's the latest rage to be "cool" with people smoking cannabis but it's no bloody different to him swigging cans every day at home

The odd few smokes the weekend or something wouldn't be too bad but every day?

So what happens when you need to go somewhere and he's left alone all day with the baby is it ok for him to be getting high?

In fact I think you seem to be giving him far too much leeway over this just to show how "relaxed your attitudes" are

You are completely in the right to be severely concerned over this, it's bloody ridiculous

Dial Hard

He's dependent on weed and prescription sleeping tablets but you think you're the one with the problem? These would both be huge issues for me, OP. In fact, they'd have been deal breakers years ago.

I think you need to have a serious sit-down with him to lay out your concerns in as calm and non-accusatory manner as possible (to stop him deflecting). And just FYI, splitting many prescription sleeping tablets is a HUGE, no-no - it makes them much more quickly absorbed as the film membrane around the tablet is breached.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I told him tonight that I wanted him to stop smoking for the next month starting from tonight. He told me he did not want to go "cold turkey" (despite his protestations that he is not addicted). He then said he would stop after his upcoming business trip next week. There's always been excuses and empty promises. I think I have my answer after this. The weed will always come first.

I have told him I am leaving him and I spoke to my parents - I will stay with them for the next while as I sort stuff out. He does not seem too fazed by my leaving him and asked only that I be "fair" if I talk to people. I'm heartbroken. But i have a baby to think of now and put first. I want his dad in his life so hoping we can work something out in this regard.

Purple Mountain

Just wondering why a GP would keep refilling the prescription for the sleeping tablets if they were only initially for short term use.
He must have serious brain fog- weed, sleeping tablets and antidepressants.
Also one other thing to think about. Weed is an illegal drug as much as any other illegal drug. It requires a dealer to source it. Presumably he goes and meets a dealer to purchase it or that person comes to your home. He's also spending your joint money (if you have a child together and live together your finances are some way intertwined) on drugs.
Just food for thought.
I'd have been out the door long ago.

.......

orangesngrapes wrote: »

I have told him I am leaving him and I spoke to my parents - I will stay with them for the next while as I sort stuff out. He does not seem too fazed by my leaving him and asked only that I be "fair" if I talk to people. I'm heartbroken. But i have a baby to think of now and put first. I want his dad in his life so hoping we can work something out in this regard.

Well done.

He isnt too fazed by it because he only cares about his habit. Nice show of selfishness asking you to "be fair" - in other words, dont tell everyone he is a weed addict.

You have your answer and its not very nice for you but it is WAY better for you to be raising a child away from addiction.

LegacyUser

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Just wondering why a GP would keep refilling the prescription for the sleeping tablets if they were only initially for short term use.
He must have serious brain fog- weed, sleeping tablets and antidepressants.
Also one other thing to think about. Weed is an illegal drug as much as any other illegal drug. It requires a dealer to source it. Presumably he goes and meets a dealer to purchase it or that person comes to your home. He's also spending your joint money (if you have a child together and live together your finances are some way intertwined) on drugs.
Just food for thought.
I'd have been out the door long ago.

I don't know why his GP keeps prescribing the tablets to him. The drug is Zopiclone (recently in the news for increase in it's abuse) and I think they are only meant to be used for 3-4 weeks at a time. He has used them for about 4 years as far as I know. He says he doesn't take every night, hence why I would find half pills lying around the house when he forgot to take it.
I have never met his dealer, I want no part in that. We did not have joint bank accounts and he said he only spent about €50 every 2 weeks on the stuff and I wouldn't begrudge him spending that. He doesn't go out and drink for example.
Regardless he has shown little respect for me or our child - smoking in the afternoon after promising me he would cut down and then not being willing to abstain for a month has been the final straw. He did say to me this morning that he would stop for the month as he sees I am serious about leaving now. He loves our baby and I am heartbroken to take him from his dad. I am going to my parents in the countryside for a few days to hopefully think a bit clearer.

HelgaWard

orangesngrapes wrote: »

I have told him I am leaving him and I spoke to my parents - I will stay with them for the next while as I sort stuff out. He does not seem too fazed by my leaving him and asked only that I be "fair" if I talk to people.

He was probably stoned when you told him, I think you've made the correct decision for your child and for you.

Toots

orangesngrapes wrote: »

He did say to me this morning that he would stop for the month as he sees I am serious about leaving now. He loves our baby and I am heartbroken to take him from his dad. I am going to my parents in the countryside for a few days to hopefully think a bit clearer.

Of course he says that, now he sees you're not making an empty threat. He won't stop for a month. He'll just become better at hiding it from you (or at least he'll think he's hiding it better) and even if he does stop for a month, what then? Will he just go right back to the way he was? Also, something to bear in mind is when he's having access to the baby, is he going to be picking him up and dropping him off while he's stoned? Is he going to be stoned while taking care of the child on his own?

Jurgen Klopp

I think you did the right thing as much as I'm not usually into teh "just leave em" as first port of call cause you've done all you could.

The man is out and out waster, I don't care if he manages to keep down a job

skallywag

I'm not against cannabis per se, as I've witnessed on a few occasions that it can also have positive effects. That said, I'd see two issues with this behaviour.

Firstly, the fact it's every night. If he does not want to (or can't) go without it a few days a week, then he needs to ask himself who's in control.

The fact that he is on anti-depressants while smoking would definitely worry me. The strains of weed available today can be very strong. I doubt that he (nor his dealer I suspect) has a clue which strain he is smoking, and what the effects will be. If he is smoking a v strong THC variant, then it may well make him more prone to mental health issues.

Teyla Emmagan

orangesngrapes wrote:

he proceeded to ask me every evening if he thought tonight might be the night I would have the baby. If I said no, he smoked.

This would have made me see red, absolutely screaming red. My god, he couldn't even lay off it to be sure he would be able to being you to the hospital!? I am really sorry OP but this was him prioritising his drug of choice over you and his baby. He is an addict. It doesn't matter if it is only a tiny bit (if you want to believe that), it is more important to him than anything else is. He does not even care that you and the baby are leaving him because now he can smoke his head off. You have made the right decision.

LegacyUser

I was thinking of showing him this thread but I know he would just laugh off all of the suggestions of him being "stoned". Admittedly I think he only smokes a small bit, maybe a joint a night? I'm not making excuses but just want to give all the details. He likens it to someone having a glass of wine in the evenings. I'm just at a loss as to why he hasn't cut down like I have asked him over all this time if it's such a non issue for him. Maybe I'm being naiive as to how much he actually has every day.

I would never call him a "waster" - he is a great dad, does very well in his job (earning a high end salary) but unfortunately, it seems, he has addiction issues. There is addiction in my family and it is absolutely not something I want my son to be around if I can help it.

I am not sure if he still takes the anti depressants. I asked him a few months ago and he said he wasn't but I have seen some lying around since then.

As someone else said, at this stage it's more the sneaking around /empty promises that have damaged our relationship. I just don't know what to think/believe anymore.

Monife

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

This would have made me see red, absolutely screaming red. My god, he couldn't even lay off it to be sure he would be able to being you to the hospital!? I am really sorry OP but this was him prioritising his drug of choice over you and his baby. He is an addict. It doesn't matter if it is only a tiny bit (if you want to believe that), it is more important to him than anything else is. He does not even care that you and the baby are leaving him because now he can smoke his head off. You have made the right decision.

€50 every two weeks is nothing. If he smokes every day, I highly doubt that's all he is paying. Closer to €100 per week, if not more.

Infonovice

^
I haven't smoked since I was a kid, but if it is only 1 splif a night, it's not going to cost 100 a week.
It would be 50 every two weeks.
100 or more a week, he'd be smoking all day.

Just saying

.......

orangesngrapes wrote: »

I am going to my parents in the countryside for a few days to hopefully think a bit clearer.

No matter what else happens at this point - please DO go to the countryside to see your parents.

It can be very hard to see things clearly from within the situation, getting outside of it for a few days and being around people who dont normalise daily drug use will help you enormously.

Keyzer

You're dealing with a man child - late 30's and blazing up every day !!! This guy needs to wake up and join reality.

He needs to stop smoking weed completely - he can swap one addiction for another, weed for fitness.

skallywag

Apart from the issue in question the guy would appear to be a decent sort, from how you describe him.

I agree that you need to act to show him how serious you are on this topic, and what it means to you. If he is not willing to make any changes on this, then I guess you will be faced with some tough decisions.

Going forward, would you be willing to reach a compromise, e.g. that he partakes, say, just weekend late at night etc, or would you see a complete cessation as the only way forward? I know that for some this topic is a complete no-go and is a show stopper.

How is his behaviour itself when he is under the influence? In my experience it can go in one of two ways. You have those who become completely useless and apathetic, while others will have an almost opposite reaction in that it may motivate new activities, etc, though it's going to be strain dependent again. If he is tending towards the former then I think I would be looking for him to stamp it out completely.

LegacyUser

OP I actually posted a thread very similar to this a few years ago. My partner was completely addicted to weed and if there was some in the house he'd smoke it. Only in the evenings but still every day. We came to an agreement that he'd buy 50 euro worth of weed, smoke it until it was gone (usually lasted about a week and a few days) and then not have any for 3 weeks until he bought another 50 bag again. Rinse and repeat. Worked out fine as it meant he wasn't smoking all the time.

He has since given it up as I've been pregnant since October. Hasn't bought any since. Now he has smoked once or twice when at friends houses before going out for drinks (when I'm not there) which I'm fine with. He's also given up the fags and just vapes now. So it can be done! But he has to make to decision for himself. It's an addiction, yes. But with weed I think a lot of it is to do with it being a habit and he needs to break that habit.

sysprogrammer

Perhaps you should take a step back before splitting your family apart.

Please stop taking the advice of everyone on this bandwagon , which they very much are .

In an effort to be helpful OP , would you please speak to your GP about counselling services and addiction treatment.

Your husband obviously requires some professional help (and his wife) to deal with this, not armchair psychologists constantly berating him.

hth

italodisco

I smoked an ouncce of hash or more a week for years, 10 joints a day sometimes. Started smoking it when I was 14, oddly enough though I was able to quit it cold turkey when I was 26 when a gf threatened to leave me.

He's full of excuses. He's put the weed before you.

You really shouldn't have to ask what you should do, I'm sorry for being harsh but if you have to ask then you deserve to be stuck with him.

Your kids certainly don't though.

skallywag

anon8 wrote: »

It's an addiction, yes. But with weed I think a lot of it is to do with it being a habit and he needs to break that habit.

I'd agree with that.

Most people find quitting / taking it easier on weed a lot easier than, say, quitting cigarettes. The whole rolling of a joint etc. becomes a sort of ritual. Which can be replaced by another.

LegacyUser

I came to stay with my folks yesterday. I have talked to them about it - they are sad it’s come to this but understand. Its mild compared to the addiction issues in my own family to be honest so they are hoping we could work something out but will support me no matter the outcome.


He does some physical sports a few times a week so suggesting he swaps weed for fitness will never be an option to him. He doesn't see it as hindering his play.

I would love to have reached a compromise - this is all I have begged and asked for over the past year...I asked at first to keep the smoking to weekends..that didn't work so I asked to keep it to every other day that we don’t have his older children staying with us...again that didn't work so I was tolerating the evenings only. He has pushed all of these boundaries again and again. Including smoking inside and smoking around my due date after promising me he wouldn't.

Despite all this I will say I still think he is a decent guy and does not appear stoned when he smokes - he sometimes falls asleep on the sofa and gets up to eat in the middle of the night. He said he gets the smallest buzz only? I’m just at a loss that he seems to have chosen this silly habit over us. I am thinking that perhaps he just wanted me to walk away - we were having other problems in our relationship (mostly due to having a newborn baby or so I thought).

He’s off abroad for a few days for work so I presume he will be without there unless he’s sourced it.

He has already started to talk about access rights - he wanted the baby over night this weekend but I told him that won’t be happening until the baby is a bit older (I'm still breastfeeding) and I want to know he won’t be smoking. He says he will stop and then wants equal access in a few months. I’ve agreed to this.

He does not think he has a problem with weed so I know suggesting counseling to him will be laughed at. We had talked about couples counselling and he was meant to make an appointment but never did.

Dial Hard

OP, seriously, read back over your last post as if you were a neutral third party. Then go back and read all your other posts.

His behaviour over the past four years has been deflection after deflection after excuse after excuse after half-assed promise to cut back/reform followed by regression to the mean. Rinse and repeat.

He is not going to change. He has chosen his habit over you time and again and will choose it over his child too if you finally grow a pair and leave him. Also time and again as I suspect you will continue to give this man the benefit of the doubt for years to come even if you're not a couple any more.

Wake up and smell the ganja, woman. He. Is. Not. Changing. For. You.

LegacyUser

Thank you. I am re-reading all of these posts and they are reminding me that it isn't all in my head and I'm not being unreasonable, which is what he has been trying to make me feel all this time. I will come back and read all of them again in the coming days when I know I may start to miss him.

I am sad because I love him..but I love my baby more now and know it's time to leave.

Jurgen Klopp

orangesngrapes wrote: »

I would never call him a "waster" - he is a great dad, does very well in his job (earning a high end salary) but unfortunately, it seems, he has addiction issues.

Yes getting high while you were pregnant when he might have had to drive you to hospital at a moment's notice putting you, your child and other road users in danger. Smoking weed at night and driving his kids early the next morning

But sure he earns a nice salary, sounds like a real, responsible, stand up guy alright

Gonna bow out of this thread, as unfortunately I think you are just going to make excuse after excuse for this lad.

.......

orangesngrapes wrote: »

He has already started to talk about access rights - he wanted the baby over night this weekend but I told him that won’t be happening until the baby is a bit older (I'm still breastfeeding) and I want to know he won’t be smoking. He says he will stop and then wants equal access in a few months. I’ve agreed to this.

Dont agree to anything re access without legal advice.

You cant ever trust an addict. Unless he is clean you are taking a big risk to leave a small child with him.

If this goes in front of a judge he may be forced to take drug tests if he wants unsupervised access.

sysprogrammer

go to your doctor, not your parents , not the internet, and report the issue, seek professional advice.
You are NOT a professional.

best of luck.

LegacyUser

sysprogrammer wrote: »

go to your doctor, not your parents , not the internet, and report the issue, seek professional advice.
You are NOT a professional.

Professional what? The OP is his partner. She has asked to reduce a bad habit that could impact on her and their childs life plus his other children that stay with them part time. He said he would but didn't. Regardless of wither he has an addiction or not doesn't matter. In a relationship you have to work together and he wasn't willing.

Also what exactly is the doctor going to do? if it's the partners GP he can't give the OP any information on him as it's private. The OP can't make the doctor do anything for her partner. He needs to the make the choice himself to seek help if he needs it but he doesn't agree he has a problem so the OP has made the choice to put herself and her child first.

sysprogrammer

can't log in wrote: »

1)Professional what?

2)Regardless of wither he has an addiction or not doesn't matter.

3)Also what exactly is the doctor going to do?

1) A professional addiction treatment service, there are many.
(I don't see the merit in your question.)

2) Having an addiction matters very much , and it is up to the OP to decide if she is willing to go through this with her partner.

3) The doctor is going to advise them both , and provide a referral letter.

I really don't want to go in to the realms of giving any advice, other than seek the help of professionals.

OP , you do have my sympathy, and I fully understand that the child is the priority and I do hope you resolve this situation.

blairbear

OP, purely from a medical perspective in terms of the effects on your baby, a baby's breathing can still be affected by thirdhand smoke, or the residue of smoke on clothes. Particularly very young babies. Any time a parent tells us that they smoke at all, be it outside the home or not, we mark that down as a risk factor for respiratory illness in the child. There is a lot of research to support that.

He is a drug addict. Cannabis has many, many well documented deleterious side effects. Aside from all of that, he has chosen a drug over you many times and continues to do so.

Driving while stoned is just as irresponsible and dangerous as drink driving. And also illegal, of course. Looking after children while stoned is the opposite of good parenting.

He needs to go through a treatment program for addiction to have any chance of being a good partner and father. But it sounds like he is lightyears away from that headspace.

skallywag

blairbear wrote: »

OP, purely from a medical perspective in terms of the effects on your baby, a baby's breathing can still be affected by thirdhand smoke, or the residue of smoke on clothes. Particularly very young babies. Any time a parent tells us that they smoke at all, be it outside the home or not, we mark that down as a risk factor for respiratory illness in the child. There is a lot of research to support that.

Let's be fair now. She clearly stated he never smokes it inside near the child, and he smokes outside. That point is pretty weak in my opinion.

blairbear

skallywag wrote: »

blairbear wrote: »

OP, purely from a medical perspective in terms of the effects on your baby, a baby's breathing can still be affected by thirdhand smoke, or the residue of smoke on clothes. Particularly very young babies. Any time a parent tells us that they smoke at all, be it outside the home or not, we mark that down as a risk factor for respiratory illness in the child. There is a lot of research to support that.

Let's be fair now. She clearly stated he never smokes it inside near the child.

I know. I have directly addressed the clinical issue of smoking outside the home. It is still harmful. Babies are uniquely susceptible to the ill-effects of thirdhand smoke.

I am not being unfair or fair. Just scientific.

skallywag

blairbear wrote: »

I know. I have directly addressed the clinical issue of smoking outside the home. It is still harmful. Babies are uniquely susceptible to the ill-effects of thirdhand smoke.

I am not being unfair or fair. Just scientific.

I see where you are coming from, but being pragmatic that point is pretty weak, in my opinion at least. If he is outside in the fresh air, walking the dog, then very little of the residue is going to end up on him or his clothes.

I also would hold back a bit calling him a 'drug addict'. Let's say he smokes one joint a night, as the OP suggests. Would you really call him a drug addict if that is the case?

blairbear

skallywag wrote: »

blairbear wrote: »

I know. I have directly addressed the clinical issue of smoking outside the home. It is still harmful. Babies are uniquely susceptible to the ill-effects of thirdhand smoke.

I am not being unfair or fair. Just scientific.

I see where you are coming from, but being pragmatic that point is pretty weak, in my opinion at least. If he is outside in the fresh air, walking the dog, then very little of the residue is going to end up on him or his clothes.

I also would hold back a bit calling him a 'drug addict'. Let's say he smokes one joint a night, as the OP suggests. Would you really call him a drug addict if that is the case?

I am not going to explain well researched, evidence based scientific facts to you. I am certain you are not well versed in this, or you would not be questioning the dangers of thirdhand smoke associated with infants.

I would call anyone who habitually uses an illicit drug an addict, yes.

skallywag

blairbear wrote: »

I am not going to explain well researched, evidence based scientific facts to you. I am certain you are not well versed in this, or you would not be questioning the dangers of thirdhand smoke associated with infants

That is a fair point, I am not well versed. Can you please share a link to a scientific article re the same?

blairbear wrote: »

I would call anyone who habitually uses an illicit drug an addict, yes.

Well, there is a huge difference between someone smoking one joint of cannabis every night, and someone doing a hit of heroin each day, I guess you agree.

On the other hand, I myself would also consider someone who smokes 30 cigs a day as an addict (take my father in law). Does not necessarily need to be illicit.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Skallywag

I'm not really seeing how any of this back and forth is helping the OP. With respect, all you've done in your last few posts is try to poke holes in Blairbear's advice.

The OP's partner clearly has a dependency on cannabis. No one is saying this is the same as heroin addiction but you are ascribing a value to the term "drug addict" that Blairbear is using that isn't there - you're equating it with being a junkie because you're associating "drug addict" with "heroin addict". Junkie and drug addict are not synonyms.

I'm a smoker. Nicotine is a drug. Under most definitions, I could be described as a drug addict and that would be correct. It's not the usual way smokers are described but it's not unfair, because it's accurate.

That's enough back and forth in the thread. Please ensure that you have constructive advice for the OP when you post.

Thanks

.......

skallywag wrote: »

That is a fair point, I am not well versed. Can you please share a link to a scientific article re the same?

The very briefest google will show you that this is established fact.

I would be even more concerned about the effect of 3rd hand cannabis smoke on an infant.

Plus, if the OP is not living in the property, how can she be sure that the baby is not being exposed to indoor drug smoking?

Drug addicts are not responsible people. Their addiction comes first, as has been shown by the OPs partner on numerous occasions.

I would not trust a habitual drug user alone with a small baby based on them claiming not to smoke around the child. This person has shown their word to be meaningless.

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

Dont agree to anything re access without legal advice.

You cant ever trust an addict. Unless he is clean you are taking a big risk to leave a small child with him.

If this goes in front of a judge he may be forced to take drug tests if he wants unsupervised access.

Second this. I would not be allowing him any unsupervised access unless he had been drug tested. He's not a responsible parent, OP. He has continuously prioritised his addiction over you and your child. I'd worry for the child's safety to be honest.

Go through the proper legal channels when it comes to access. You owe it to your child to ensure their safety.

LegacyUser

sysprogrammer wrote: »

3) The doctor is going to advise them both , and provide a referral letter.

No they are not because the partner doesn't think there is an issue so is not going to speak to their doctor and the doctor legally cannot speak to the OP about him without permission. The partner is not a danger to himself or others at this time so medically they can't do anything.

Its up to the partner to sort his own life out, the OP has done the right thing on focusing on herself and the child at this time.

Fiftyfilthy

orangesngrapes wrote: »

I don't know why his GP keeps prescribing the tablets to him. The drug is Zopiclone (recently in the news for increase in it's abuse) and I think they are only meant to be used for 3-4 weeks at a time. He has used them for about 4 years as far as I know. He says he doesn't take every night, hence why I would find half pills lying around the house when he forgot to take it.
I have never met his dealer, I want no part in that. We did not have joint bank accounts and he said he only spent about €50 every 2 weeks on the stuff and I wouldn't begrudge him spending that. He doesn't go out and drink for example.
Regardless he has shown little respect for me or our child - smoking in the afternoon after promising me he would cut down and then not being willing to abstain for a month has been the final straw. He did say to me this morning that he would stop for the month as he sees I am serious about leaving now. He loves our baby and I am heartbroken to take him from his dad. I am going to my parents in the countryside for a few days to hopefully think a bit clearer.

I doubt the dr is still prescribing zopiclone. Probably buying it on the street too

I think 50e every 2 weeks isn’t quite right either, would expect it to be a lot more

sysprogrammer

can't log in wrote: »

No they are not because the partner doesn't think there is an issue so is not going to speak to their doctor and the doctor legally cannot speak to the OP about him without permission. The partner is not a danger to himself or others at this time so medically they can't do anything.

Its up to the partner to sort his own life out, the OP has done the right thing on focusing on herself and the child at this time.

Yes , I think most are aware of what a doctor can and cannot do.

what i am referring to is to stop directly begging her partner , or involving others. And hope that they seek a professional treatment service.

I think that if the OP wants to do their part to resolve this situation, then they should focus their energy on going to the doctor , together.

The partner, either rightly or wrongly, will require support to go through treatment.
(also Yes the child is the priority, no one is doubting this. )

p.s. I'm not trying to be confrontational, I just have the life experience to have seen this situation in friends before. Treatment did work.

joeguevara

I have reread the thread and have a slightly different opinion than what my original advice that I posted. The OP has clarified that her boyfriend smokes one joint a day. In all fairness that is such a small amount that some of the posts about addiction, addicts, major problem etc are way over the top.

The OP doesn’t like him smoking weed. The time she caught him during the day (on face value) seems to be a one off. He shouldn’t do it in front of her if she’s pregnant but that may have been that his partner came into the room while he was smoking. It’s his house too and it’s not the worst thing in the world to be doing. I would have a much bigger issue if he was drinking every day. The comments about driving the kids to school the next day and how it may affect that are far fetched if it’s only 1 j as the THC would be out of the system in a matter of hours.

He is not a junkie if he smokes one joint a day. The OP has to decide if she wants a boyfriend who smokes a daily joint or not. But to say he has addiction issues is clouding the issue and probably the OP is over reacting with those labels.

LegacyUser

I agree with the junkie label being a tad too far. However I think there could be some addiction, even if just psychological, with weed. Regardless it is certainly a habit.

I think the bigger issue here is the fact the partner has refused to compromise on his habit even knowing how much it upsets his partner. That perhaps is more telling about their relationship and his feelings if he is willing to disregard and disrespect her time and time again. She mentions other problems in their relationship and that he hasn’t seemed too bothered about her walking out perhaps confirming he was less than fully committed. OP I think you should both see a relationship therapist if you want this to work.

professore

anon8 wrote: »

He has since given it up as I've been pregnant since October. Hasn't bought any since. Now he has smoked once or twice when at friends houses before going out for drinks (when I'm not there) which I'm fine with. He's also given up the fags and just vapes now. So it can be done!

That's great! It can be done but some people have an addictive personality. Total abstinence is the only solution for them. Sounds like your OH had a habit rather than an addiction.

professore

joeguevara wrote: »

He is not a junkie if he smokes one joint a day. The OP has to decide if she wants a boyfriend who smokes a daily joint or not. But to say he has addiction issues is clouding the issue and probably the OP is over reacting with those labels.

He's also on prescription sleeping tablets - those are highly addictive. Doesn't seem to care she is leaving. I'd say it's a lot more than one joint a day, and God knows what else. Regular cannabis use will turn most people into lazy paranoid unmotivated bums. Have seen it too many times to count.

Big Bag of Chips

I would think he is minimising a lot if what he is telling you. I find it very hard to believe that he only smoked inside once, and that once was the one time you caught him. If he has made it very clear to you that he sees nothing wrong in smoking every night, then personally I would not be allowing overnight unsupervised access.

He has an addiction that he is not able to stop. And that addiction is impacting your life. You are not his minder. Yes, if he agrees to try break the habit then of course you can be there to offer support and help him, and possibly keep your family together. But you cannot make that decision for him. You cannot go to the GP for him. You cannot make him go to the GP. Supporting someone through giving up will only work if they want to give up. If they don't, you're just wasting a GP visit.

He's an adult man who needs to make his own decisions. You're supposed to be his partner, not his minder.

.......

joeguevara wrote: »

He is not a junkie if he smokes one joint a day.

Course he can be.

Its not the quantity of the drug, its the behaviour. He refuses to give it up - to the point that he would check with his pregnant partner if she was planning on giving birth that evening because he wanted to have his joint!!!

Being a junkie doesnt mean you are trashed out of your head on a vast quantity of hard drugs under a bridge somewhere homeless.

He isnt in control, the drug is. If the drug is running your life then chances are you are a junkie. Everything the OP has described would indicate that he is.