Husband left

simone79

Hi I'm looking for some help in understanding my feelings and regrets....I've been married to a no national for four years we had a whirlwind romance and married after only 5 months and living together after only 3 months so four years ago we married as his visa was running out....the first 2 years were good but then all changed he began going out to meet friends every spare minute he got I never met any of the friends but I sat back and accepted he needed his own space etc...He would go and stay over some weekends on a sat and not return home till the next day but I got so fed up with this and asked him to spend more time with me he told me then I was controlling him and to let him do as he wants so any time he did fit me in I felt like second best option and I grew to resent that I was never a priority so a year ago I told him I booked a marraige counceling to help us communicate better but he refused to go said oh things will be fine if I just stop thinking so much so I backed off when he came home from work every day he would sit and play in phone all night ignoring me so in the end I started ignoring him too but still hopeing he would change and show interest in me and our home but I did everything in the home cooking cleaning diy etc he had no interest in the home even...He kept me a secret from his family too as there strict Muslims that was very hard for me it made me feel worthless as a wife I'm just looking for advice could I have done anything more to save the marraige

Car99

simone79 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire text.

By the sounds of it you didn't do anything wrong, you married a selfish individual. You're still young try to move on .

Spook_ie

Elephant in the room, if he hadn't married you would he have had to leave?

Ursus Horribilis

You posted about your husband back in 2016. Even then the writing was on the wall. I'm sorry you're upset but let's be honest here, this was always going to happen. There was absolutely nothing you could've done to save this marriage. Going by what you said then and what you're saying now, you're better off without him. He's a toxic user who took advantage of your good nature and presumably bolted when it suited him. I'm just sorry he can't be reported to the authorities for what he did. Have you been for any counselling for yourself?

suicide_circus

you are the victim of a scam marriage unfortunately. you were used to get him residency. I have two acquaintances who had the same experience. you are a victim of a scam artist and it hurts and is humiliating. you did nothing wrong.

ElChe32

He has used you to stay in the country and I'm so sorry for you. Get rid of him for your own happiness.

Mr. Incognito

It sounds like he is cheating on you and the constant phone business looks like dating apps.

It's only a few years in. Leave. File for a Divorce and get your life back on track.

simone79

Yes I did find dating apps on the phone so he snapped the phone off me and I never got near it again I don't think there is another woman but he was keeping his options open I'm trying to stop the visa so going to a solicitor tonight...Yes I'm now in counceling I was fully invested in my marraige but he just had no interest and told me it was my fault....I do take some blame I did call him names like **** out of pure anger as he would call me a fat **** after every argument so eventually it turned me into a bitter wife who resented him as he never tried make amends every weekend I was left alone while he went out to the city to meet friends and if I got upset about it I was told I was a phyco who controlled him I just can't believe he did this to me

happyday

Simone I just read your thread from 3 years ago. I agree with all the other posters and hope that you can find the strength to break free from this user.

Do you rent or own your home?

Mr. Incognito

simone79 wrote: »

Yes I did find dating apps on the phone so he snapped the phone off me and I never got near it again I don't think there is another woman but he was keeping his options open I'm trying to stop the visa so going to a solicitor tonight...Yes I'm now in counceling I was fully invested in my marraige but he just had no interest and told me it was my fault....I do take some blame I did call him names like **** out of pure anger as he would call me a fat **** after every argument so eventually it turned me into a bitter wife who resented him as he never tried make amends every weekend I was left alone while he went out to the city to meet friends and if I got upset about it I was told I was a phyco who controlled him I just can't believe he did this to me

Have you ever met any of these "friends"?

Ursus Horribilis

Simone, do you think this was a sham marriage?

simone79

My heart says no but my mind says yes....I'm probs in denial I don't know I just know he kept saying he tried to make it work but I seen no indication he tried he just kept saying give him till may I told him I can't be with him in same home knowing he didn't want me I think he was only trying to hang on till may to make sure visa went through he said let him stay till may and like seperate life's that hurt me so bad and I told my friend who then came to my home and threw him out for me as I hadn't got it in me

simone79

No not even one I think he was ashamed of me and hid me me cause I'm overweight and have a facial disfigurment

simone79

I rent and have changed all bills back to my own name he loved here 2 of the 4 years paying noting and only in the past 2 years paid 250 per month for the home

Ursus Horribilis

Is he gone now?

simone79

Yes since sunday

yosser hughes

simone79 wrote: »

Yes since sunday

Call 01 6669100. It's the Garda National Immigration Bureau.
You've been used for Visa purposes unfortunately.
Call them and explain your story.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't let him back in. You are a lucky woman you have such a good friend. Don't be afraid to turn to her for help again. When is your next counselling session?

simone79

Yes my friend has picked me from the floor this week my next sessions is tuesday I won't let him back that's for sure

Dial Hard

simone79 wrote: »

Yes since sunday

Good, now change the locks and pack all his stuff up. Then contact all your friends and family, tell them your marriage has ended and ask them to support you through this decision. I suspect they'll be only too delighted to hear the news.

Look, OP, it's very clear to everyone reading this thread and your last one that you were an extremely vulnerable person and, unfortunately, the almost perfect victim for anyone looking for a sham marriage. I doubt there's a single person in your support circle who thought this marriage was a good idea so now you need to tap into that support. Don't stay away out of shame or embarrassment. You were taken advantage of by someone who knew exactly the kind of woman to target. The good news is, you will never be that woman again.

Reconnect with your family and friends, continue with your counselling and get the ball rolling on separation proceedings. Good luck.

Turbohymac

Count your blessings..luckily for you no kids involved..otherwise youd be shackled to this absolute user...he clearly only used you to get
Focus on solicitors advice. And counseling. And in time you'll realize there actually another life that's much better than your present one..
You should have taken your current steps to get him out of your life 2 years ago at least..did you not have any close friends or family that would have seen all the warnings and helped end this??

simone79

Thank you all who replyed yes I'll be hurt and upset that I had to be put through this but it has thought me now to try be happy alone and not rely on anyone to fill a hole I clearly need help filling so I'm hoping going to counceling will help me through it all

simone79

Thank you yes I will try learn from this to never allow this happen again to me

simone79

They all seen it but I though of there wrong I suppose I was so desperate to hold on to my marraige I ignored it all and my biggest fear in life has always to be alone so I hung on hoping he would change

Ursus Horribilis

Being in a bad marriage with someone who doesn't like or want you is another form of alone.

Yellow pack crisps

Hooray hooray thank ****ing god he went! He is a lowlife and not worthy of you. That should be your mantra! Better to be alone with hope than married with and to misery.

GingerLily

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Being in a bad marriage with someone who doesn't like or want you is another form of alone.

I'd say its actually more lonely than actually being alone.

happyday

Well done Simone. You got him out. Take all the support you can get and be very kind to yourself. You're on the right track now.

simone79

Update he has been in contact to say he has told immigration he has moved out and left me so now I'm confused as to whether he was useing me or he is covering his own back

simone79

He also added the real reason he left was I made him feel traped and like he was in a prison because I wouldn't let him travel the man went home to India for 6 weeks every year I didn't stop him he went to friends every weekend nearly I didn't stop him then when he said he wants to go to Spain and different places with friendsiof course said no it's not acceptable when married to go off with friends traveling when ur wife is at home obviously I can go travel like he wants 1 the cost 2 the fact I've a son 3 it's unrealistic when working was I right or wrong

JeffKenna

Hi Simone,

I think you've got some great advise here so I don't have anything additional to add just that I think you're very brave and please don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, it's part of being human.

Look after yourself