Husband left

simone79

Hi I'm looking for some help in understanding my feelings and regrets....I've been married to a no national for four years we had a whirlwind romance and married after only 5 months and living together after only 3 months so four years ago we married as his visa was running out....the first 2 years were good but then all changed he began going out to meet friends every spare minute he got I never met any of the friends but I sat back and accepted he needed his own space etc...He would go and stay over some weekends on a sat and not return home till the next day but I got so fed up with this and asked him to spend more time with me he told me then I was controlling him and to let him do as he wants so any time he did fit me in I felt like second best option and I grew to resent that I was never a priority so a year ago I told him I booked a marraige counceling to help us communicate better but he refused to go said oh things will be fine if I just stop thinking so much so I backed off when he came home from work every day he would sit and play in phone all night ignoring me so in the end I started ignoring him too but still hopeing he would change and show interest in me and our home but I did everything in the home cooking cleaning diy etc he had no interest in the home even...He kept me a secret from his family too as there strict Muslims that was very hard for me it made me feel worthless as a wife I'm just looking for advice could I have done anything more to save the marraige

Car99

simone79 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire text.

By the sounds of it you didn't do anything wrong, you married a selfish individual. You're still young try to move on .

Spook_ie

Elephant in the room, if he hadn't married you would he have had to leave?

Ursus Horribilis

You posted about your husband back in 2016. Even then the writing was on the wall. I'm sorry you're upset but let's be honest here, this was always going to happen. There was absolutely nothing you could've done to save this marriage. Going by what you said then and what you're saying now, you're better off without him. He's a toxic user who took advantage of your good nature and presumably bolted when it suited him. I'm just sorry he can't be reported to the authorities for what he did. Have you been for any counselling for yourself?

suicide_circus

you are the victim of a scam marriage unfortunately. you were used to get him residency. I have two acquaintances who had the same experience. you are a victim of a scam artist and it hurts and is humiliating. you did nothing wrong.

ElChe32

He has used you to stay in the country and I'm so sorry for you. Get rid of him for your own happiness.

Mr. Incognito

It sounds like he is cheating on you and the constant phone business looks like dating apps.

It's only a few years in. Leave. File for a Divorce and get your life back on track.

simone79

Yes I did find dating apps on the phone so he snapped the phone off me and I never got near it again I don't think there is another woman but he was keeping his options open I'm trying to stop the visa so going to a solicitor tonight...Yes I'm now in counceling I was fully invested in my marraige but he just had no interest and told me it was my fault....I do take some blame I did call him names like **** out of pure anger as he would call me a fat **** after every argument so eventually it turned me into a bitter wife who resented him as he never tried make amends every weekend I was left alone while he went out to the city to meet friends and if I got upset about it I was told I was a phyco who controlled him I just can't believe he did this to me

happyday

Simone I just read your thread from 3 years ago. I agree with all the other posters and hope that you can find the strength to break free from this user.

Do you rent or own your home?

Mr. Incognito

simone79 wrote: »

Yes I did find dating apps on the phone so he snapped the phone off me and I never got near it again I don't think there is another woman but he was keeping his options open I'm trying to stop the visa so going to a solicitor tonight...Yes I'm now in counceling I was fully invested in my marraige but he just had no interest and told me it was my fault....I do take some blame I did call him names like **** out of pure anger as he would call me a fat **** after every argument so eventually it turned me into a bitter wife who resented him as he never tried make amends every weekend I was left alone while he went out to the city to meet friends and if I got upset about it I was told I was a phyco who controlled him I just can't believe he did this to me

Have you ever met any of these "friends"?

Ursus Horribilis

Simone, do you think this was a sham marriage?

simone79

My heart says no but my mind says yes....I'm probs in denial I don't know I just know he kept saying he tried to make it work but I seen no indication he tried he just kept saying give him till may I told him I can't be with him in same home knowing he didn't want me I think he was only trying to hang on till may to make sure visa went through he said let him stay till may and like seperate life's that hurt me so bad and I told my friend who then came to my home and threw him out for me as I hadn't got it in me

simone79

No not even one I think he was ashamed of me and hid me me cause I'm overweight and have a facial disfigurment

simone79

I rent and have changed all bills back to my own name he loved here 2 of the 4 years paying noting and only in the past 2 years paid 250 per month for the home

Ursus Horribilis

Is he gone now?

simone79

Yes since sunday

yosser hughes

simone79 wrote: »

Yes since sunday

Call 01 6669100. It's the Garda National Immigration Bureau.
You've been used for Visa purposes unfortunately.
Call them and explain your story.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't let him back in. You are a lucky woman you have such a good friend. Don't be afraid to turn to her for help again. When is your next counselling session?

simone79

Yes my friend has picked me from the floor this week my next sessions is tuesday I won't let him back that's for sure

Dial Hard

simone79 wrote: »

Yes since sunday

Good, now change the locks and pack all his stuff up. Then contact all your friends and family, tell them your marriage has ended and ask them to support you through this decision. I suspect they'll be only too delighted to hear the news.

Look, OP, it's very clear to everyone reading this thread and your last one that you were an extremely vulnerable person and, unfortunately, the almost perfect victim for anyone looking for a sham marriage. I doubt there's a single person in your support circle who thought this marriage was a good idea so now you need to tap into that support. Don't stay away out of shame or embarrassment. You were taken advantage of by someone who knew exactly the kind of woman to target. The good news is, you will never be that woman again.

Reconnect with your family and friends, continue with your counselling and get the ball rolling on separation proceedings. Good luck.

Turbohymac

Count your blessings..luckily for you no kids involved..otherwise youd be shackled to this absolute user...he clearly only used you to get
Focus on solicitors advice. And counseling. And in time you'll realize there actually another life that's much better than your present one..
You should have taken your current steps to get him out of your life 2 years ago at least..did you not have any close friends or family that would have seen all the warnings and helped end this??

simone79

Thank you all who replyed yes I'll be hurt and upset that I had to be put through this but it has thought me now to try be happy alone and not rely on anyone to fill a hole I clearly need help filling so I'm hoping going to counceling will help me through it all

simone79

Thank you yes I will try learn from this to never allow this happen again to me

simone79

They all seen it but I though of there wrong I suppose I was so desperate to hold on to my marraige I ignored it all and my biggest fear in life has always to be alone so I hung on hoping he would change

Ursus Horribilis

Being in a bad marriage with someone who doesn't like or want you is another form of alone.

Yellow pack crisps

Hooray hooray thank ****ing god he went! He is a lowlife and not worthy of you. That should be your mantra! Better to be alone with hope than married with and to misery.

GingerLily

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Being in a bad marriage with someone who doesn't like or want you is another form of alone.

I'd say its actually more lonely than actually being alone.

happyday

Well done Simone. You got him out. Take all the support you can get and be very kind to yourself. You're on the right track now.

simone79

Update he has been in contact to say he has told immigration he has moved out and left me so now I'm confused as to whether he was useing me or he is covering his own back

simone79

He also added the real reason he left was I made him feel traped and like he was in a prison because I wouldn't let him travel the man went home to India for 6 weeks every year I didn't stop him he went to friends every weekend nearly I didn't stop him then when he said he wants to go to Spain and different places with friendsiof course said no it's not acceptable when married to go off with friends traveling when ur wife is at home obviously I can go travel like he wants 1 the cost 2 the fact I've a son 3 it's unrealistic when working was I right or wrong

JeffKenna

Hi Simone,

I think you've got some great advise here so I don't have anything additional to add just that I think you're very brave and please don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, it's part of being human.

Look after yourself

Ursus Horribilis

simone79 wrote: »

Update he has been in contact to say he has told immigration he has moved out and left me so now I'm confused as to whether he was using me or he is covering his own back

Both. If the authorities are made aware that this was a sham marriage he's in trouble. So now he's going to pursue the narrative that he married you in good faith but it didn't work out. And unless you see the light and accept that he used you to get that visa and that it was a marriage of convenience, he'll get away with it. What has your solicitor said?

Shelli2

simone79 wrote: »

Update he has been in contact to say he has told immigration he has moved out and left me so now I'm confused as to whether he was useing me or he is covering his own back

He says he told immigration but you don't know if he actually has.
You should contact them any way.

Ursus Horribilis

Shelli2 wrote: »

He says he told immigration but you don't know if he actually has.
You should contact them any way.

This is a very good point.

I think you have no choice now but to make contact with them to protect yourself. You can be sure that anything he may tell them will not be of benefit to you. Get your friend who threw him out to come along with you.

Dial Hard

simone79 wrote:

He also added the real reason he left was I made him feel traped and like he was in a prison because I wouldn't let him travel

Simone, I'm going to say something here that's going to sound extremely harsh but I'm saying it in an attempt to help you. Stop second-guessing yourself based on anything he says, because it's all lies - he didn't leave you because you wouldn't let him travel. He married you for one reason and one reason only: for a visa. Once he thought he had that locked down, he was always going to leave. So it's not because of anything you did or didn't do. Stop beating yourself up.

Ursus Horribilis

Simone, had you ever had a boyfriend before this man came along?

simone79

Yes I think he knew I'd report it so he tried to get there first and tell them oh marraige broke down and try plead his case I have reported it to every where I can and now all I can do is hope they take my side in this and don't issue the natrilzation...by telling me I was traping him he is trying to justify the real reason he left

simone79

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Simone, had you ever had a boyfriend before this man came along?

Yes and was hurt in them too I'm 39 now so only now so I see it's about me not them I need to find happiness alone

Sephiroth_dude

What a vile human being, I hope you're ok, know that time is a great healer, I hope he gets deported.

simone79

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

What a vile human being, I hope you're ok, know that time is a great healer, I hope he gets deported.

He can't be deported as he is working here nearly 5 years so he is entitled to stay as far as I know

wiggle16

OP I'm only posting to say that after four years... if it was a sham marriage (and it definitely sounds like it was)... then he doesn't have anything to fear from telling immigration now that the marriage has ended. He has been in Ireland long enough now to contest that he has other grounds to stay. He is resident in Ireland now regardless of your marital status, and the appeals process for a deportation order can drag on for up to eight years depending on his circumstances. So I would doubt he will be going anywhere soon. Just so you are aware of that, and so that if he comes out of the woodwork looking for you to be a referee for him at some point you can tell him where to go. I know you're not even thinking of this but I would divorce him as soon as possible if I were you.

Either way, this was not your fault. Plenty of people get hoodwinked by his ilk, for any number of reasons: it is no reflection on you, other than to show that you are a caring and loving person. You deserved better than this.

Please look after yourself x

simone79

wiggle16 wrote: »

OP I'm only posting to say that after four years... if it was a sham marriage (and it definitely sounds like it was)... then he doesn't have anything to fear from telling immigration now that the marriage has ended. He has been in Ireland long enough now to contest that he has other grounds to stay. He is resident in Ireland now regardless of your marital status, and the appeals process for a deportation order can drag on for up to eight years depending on his circumstances. So I would doubt he will be going anywhere soon. Just so you are aware of that, and so that if he comes out of the woodwork looking for you to be a referee for him at some point you can tell him where to go. I know you're not even thinking of this but I would divorce him as soon as possible if I were you.

Either way, this was not your fault. Plenty of people get hoodwinked by his ilk, for any number of reasons: it is no reflection on you, other than to show that you are a caring and loving person. You deserved better than this.

Please look after yourself x

No but I'm looking to have it stoped on the grounds he is married if he wants to apply for it because he lives and works here then fine but he applied for it on the basis he was married but he is left the marraige before final decion was made of the outcome of the visa I'm hoping it's stoped on that basis

simone79

simone79 wrote: »

No but I'm looking to have it stoped on the grounds he is married if he wants to apply for it because he lives and works here then fine but he applied for it on the basis he was married but he is left the marraige before final decion was made of the outcome of the visa I'm hoping it's stoped on that basis

he even told family not to worry ireland is easy to get residency and divorced too and he is bloody right

Monife

wiggle16 wrote: »

OP I'm only posting to say that after four years... if it was a sham marriage (and it definitely sounds like it was)... then he doesn't have anything to fear from telling immigration now that the marriage has ended. He has been in Ireland long enough now to contest that he has other grounds to stay. He is resident in Ireland now regardless of your marital status, and the appeals process for a deportation order can drag on for up to eight years depending on his circumstances. So I would doubt he will be going anywhere soon. Just so you are aware of that, and so that if he comes out of the woodwork looking for you to be a referee for him at some point you can tell him where to go. I know you're not even thinking of this but I would divorce him as soon as possible if I were you.

Either way, this was not your fault. Plenty of people get hoodwinked by his ilk, for any number of reasons: it is no reflection on you, other than to show that you are a caring and loving person. You deserved better than this.

Please look after yourself x

Just to note, you have to be separated for 4 years before you can apply for a divorce. But you can apply for a Judicial Separation once you are separated for 1 year (if you have proof of an affair you can do so immediately).

simone79

Monife wrote: »

Just to note, you have to be separated for 4 years before you can apply for a divorce. But you can apply for a Judicial Separation once you are separated for 1 year (if you have proof of an affair you can do so immediately).

I'm going to try have the marraige annuled on the grounds of fraud

Monife

simone79 wrote: »

I'm going to try have the marraige annuled on the grounds of fraud

Unfortunately that is not possible either. There are strict grounds for annulment and I have also read that it can take quite a long time (upwards of 3 years) and be very expensive (it's done through the High Court and you need to have a serious amount of evidence).

I have looked into this option myself as I am married to a non-national however we separated last November after I found out that he had two children with his ex while married to me, the first cheating occurrence happened only a year after we married.

Here is some info on annulment - http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/civil_annulment/nullity_of_marriage.html

Edit to add: There should be a divorce referendum at the end of May to remove the time limit from the constitution so make sure you get out and vote and lobby your friends and family to vote also.

simone79

Monife wrote: »

Unfortunately that is not possible either. There are strict grounds for annulment and I have also read that it can take quite a long time (upwards of 3 years) and be very expensive (it's done through the High Court and you need to have a serious amount of evidence).

I have looked into this option myself as I am married to a non-national however we separated last November after I found out that he had two children with his ex while married to me, the first cheating occurrence happended only a year after we married.

Here is some info on annulment - http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/civil_annulment/nullity_of_marriage.html

Edit to add: There should be a divorce referendum at the end of May to remove the time limit from the constitution so make sure you get out and vote and lobby your friends and family to vote also.

Wow ok well it's the divorce route I go so but I'll make sure he starts it I'm not paying for a divorce he has taken to much already

qwerty13

I think you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face there. He doesn’t have any incentive to start the separation or divorce process, whereas you do. Think of it as an investment in getting rid of him for good.

Monife

qwerty13 wrote: »

I think you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face there. He doesn’t have any incentive to start the separation or divorce process, whereas you do. Think of it as an investment in getting rid of him for good.

This 100%. I am having to fork out for a solicitor (it was €300 for the initial consultation and is going to be about €2,500 for the legal separation, provided himself plays ball). At first I was feeling really aggrieved that I had to pay this money when the marriage broke down as a result of his actions. But it is a small price to pay for peace of mind and to get him out of my life.

If he contests it, it will be more expensive. If you think he is going to fight this, you might be better off going straight for Judicial Separation in the Family Courts (it's only slightly more expensive than legal separation but would be cheaper if there ends up being wars back and forth).

If the immigration have acknowledged that you're separated and you don't mind waiting, you could wait for divorce, but you will be waiting over 2 years. The divorce referendum in May hopes to remove the waiting period from the constitution but the government is planning on legislating for a 2 year waiting period.

simone79

Monife wrote: »

This 100%. I am having to fork out for a solicitor (it was €300 for the initial consultation and is going to be about €2,500 for the legal separation, provided himself plays ball). At first I was feeling really aggrieved that I had to pay this money when the marriage broke down as a result of his actions. But it is a small price to pay for peace of mind and to get him out of my life.

If he contests it, it will be more expensive. If you think he is going to fight this, you might be better off going straight for Judicial Separation in the Family Courts (it's only slightly more expensive than legal separation but would be cheaper if there ends up being wars back and forth).

If the immigration have acknowledged that you're separated and you don't mind waiting, you could wait for divorce, but you will be waiting over 2 years. The divorce referendum in May hopes to remove the waiting period from the constitution but the government is planning on legislating for a 2 year waiting period.

But I'm applying for legal aid surly that will help me as I'm on a disability

Monife

simone79 wrote: »

But I'm applying for legal aid surly that will help me as I'm on a disability

Oh yeah, if you qualify for legal aid you'll either pay nothing or very little. You might be put on a waiting list for it though. Definitely contact Legal Aid asap.