Marriage-can’t compromise on school for child

LegacyUser

Sorry for long post:(
My spouse and I have been having trouble lately where we both feel very strongly / have strong values and find it hard to compromise. We’re both fairly laid back but not as it turns out when it comes to parenting.

It is time for us to decide on which primary school to send our first child to.
My husband is a teacher and he would like our child to attend his school where he can keep an eye on the child, have time with them on the way to/from school which is a city school, watch their concerts/matches etc. We live 40-50 mins from his school, 20 mins of this are stuck in traffic. We both work near the city school.
That school has 600 pupils+. It has a good reputation. No childcare needed as my husband will bring to/from school. They would need to leave the house at 7.50.

On the other hand, we live rurally and live close to a small country school, also has a good reputation. The class numbers are much much smaller, so small that juniors and seniors are in the same class. We moved to the community a few years ago and I feel this school would be best for our child. The main reason is so that our child has a sense of belonging. So he knows, I live in X, I go to school down the road in X. As opposed to I live in X but am in the car 40-50 mins both ways on the way to school. The country school starts at 9.20 so we would have to leave the house at 9.10. Therefore there is no rush on the kids in the morning. I don’t feel kids should be rushed in the morning and be on a commute if this can be avoided. There is more free time before and after school for exercise, free play etc instead of being stuck in a car.
School friends are close by instead of 40-50 mins away though this is not a primary reason.

Our current childcare is beside the city school because we used to live there. So the kids are used to getting up early but it’s not ideal. We’ve to wake them and rush them through breakfast. If we send our child to the country school, we will have to arrange new childcare (no childcare needed if child goes to city school). Also if our child goes to the country school, we will both be away working near the city school. If our child goes to the city school, my husband will be close by as opposed to neither of us being close by.

I strongly think the country school is best because it is a good school, we live in walking distance and there is no commute for our child. My main reason against the city school is the commute. I don’t like that it is so big but I would agree to send our child there if it wasn’t for the long drive.
Selfishly, if we have another child and am on maternity leave, I would be able to drop and collect our child to the country school.

My husband would like to send our child to his school because it is a good school, he is close to our child and there is no childcare needed.

I feel my reason is what’s best for our child but his reason is what’s best for him and for logistics.

We had reached stalemate so he agreed to send our child to the country school. But he has been sad, angry and not engaging in the new childcare discussion since then.

My husband will lose the time he currently has with the child on the way and at drop off and pick up.
If we go to country school, neither of us will be there at pick up, it will be a new childminder.
In case I sound very selfish, I wanted to take a career break after my last maternity leave and my husband insisted I go back to work which I have so I know the hurt of losing time with your child because of what your spouse wants. There is hurt on both sides.

Any advice on how do we compromise when we both feel so strongly?

Big Bag of Chips

Do you have to work? You mentioned a career break, so is it an option for you to not work for a while, or to work closer to home?

I think you both have valid opinions and feelings on this. Your husband is obviously proud of his school and proud of his child, and would like to bring the two together. You would like the child to go to school locally but be minded by childminder, early in the morning, until evening time? That has it's benefits and drawbacks too.

I think you need to talk to each other again and acknowledge each other's feelings in this. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems you have dismissed your husband's opinion as selfish and just benefitting him. I'm sure he believes it would also be a good thing for your child. This is the first in a long list of decisions you will need to make. Don't start off thinking you're right and he's wrong. You are both right in different ways.

Going to school where you live is important for building local friendships, no doubt. But it doesn't have to be the only way of building friendships.

Talk to your husband again. Understand where he is coming from, and try to get him to understand where you are coming from. But be kind to each other. You both love your child, and you both want to do right by him.

factnee

Ask anybody whose parent taught in the same school as them when they were children if they would do likewise their own offspring and I doubt if you'll find anyone who would

I warned a friend of mine about this when he sent his children to the same school that his wife taught in. He assured me that everything would be fine, it was a big school and she would never teach them. Roll forward a few years and she got cancer. You wouldn't believe the amount of kids who came up to them in school asking if their mammy was going to die.

Stand by your child. Your husband will get over it. Your child deserves as happy a childhood as possible where his or her private life is not known by everyone and where he or she has to freedom to do silly things without the fear that it will be reported back to Daddy in the staff room.

LegacyUser

I think your husbands choice is the most sensible. As for him getting irritable. It sounds like he agreed to your school to end the conflict but the idea of losing that quality time with the child is breaking his heart.

LegacyUser

I attended the same primary school my mum was a teacher in . It does change the dynamics. She had to be seen to be extra strict with me so as not to be showing any favouritism.
I equally was conscious that any misbehaving would get back to her in the staffroom.
One teacher was a street-angel-house-devil who bullied some of us terribly in the classroom, but was sweetness& light to her peers& colleagues. Had my mum not been a colleague, she would have been in a stronger position to have dealt with it effectively.
There's a strong recommendation for not mixing business & pleasure. For both your husband & your child, it's better that they can separate work life from home life by attending different schools.

hobie21

factnee wrote: »

Ask anybody whose parent taught in the same school as them when they were children if they would do likewise their own offspring and I doubt if you'll find anyone who would

I warned a friend of mine about this when he sent his children to the same school that his wife taught in. He assured me that everything would be fine, it was a big school and she would never teach them. Roll forward a few years and she got cancer. You wouldn't believe the amount of kids who came up to them in school asking if their mammy was going to die.

Stand by your child. Your husband will get over it. Your child deserves as happy a childhood as possible where his or her private life is not known by everyone and where he or she has to freedom to do silly things without the fear that it will be reported back to Daddy in the staff room.

Country school. Don't make yer kid miserable because your husband is a fool.

afkasurfjunkie

What about days when your husband has to work late, like parent teacher meetings, croke park hour, staff meetings? Does the school have after school care? For the first 2 years your child will finish an hour earlier than your husband.
I work an hour from home and never considered bringing mine to my school. They will attend local school which is walking distance from us and our childminder will collect.

Clareman

factnee wrote: »

Ask anybody whose parent taught in the same school as them when they were children if they would do likewise their own offspring and I doubt if you'll find anyone who would.

My mother taught in the same primary school that I went to, in fact she thought me for 2 years, I'd hate to have it any other way, I absolutely loved every minute of it.

Faith

It's a tricky scenario, and I think you presented both sides very fairly. My instinct would say that children would prefer to spend more time with their parents than a childminder, and that developing links that are wider than the child's small-town environment would be beneficial for their development. They can still make friends locally to play with at weekends. But I do see the benefit of a local school too, absolutely.

Marriage wrote: »

In case I sound very selfish, I wanted to take a career break after my last maternity leave and my husband insisted I go back to work which I have so I know the hurt of losing time with your child because of what your spouse wants. There is hurt on both sides.

I noticed this slotted in at the end, and it feels like a bit of a "hand on the doorknob" mention (i.e. the thing that's mentioned on your way out of the doctor's clinic but is actually the most important concern). I'm just wondering if there's any part of you that feels like sending your child to the local school is a way to get back at your husband a bit for not supporting you in taking a career break? It would be totally understandable if that was part of your reasoning, but if it is, it might be helpful to reflect on whether that's getting in the way of what's best for your child? Just another thing to consider, and it might be way off the mark.

zapper55

That's a really good point Faith. I was wondering if this issue was indicative of a wider problem myself. Op I think some marriage counselling would benefit you both hugely. Maybe see each others side more, before it becomes a gulf in your relationship.

Hrududu

I think the only way the local school would make sense is if you didn't work. If you look at the logistics:

- Local school starts at 9:20. You work near the city school. So either your son goes to a child minder early to get dropped to school, or you change your working hours to drop him yourself
- If you go for the childminder then he has to get up early anyway
- If you drop him then you will finish work later meaning you get home later and spend less time with him in the evening
- If he goes to the local school then he will need to go to a childminder or similar after school.
- So going to the local school would mean he spends time with childminders or crèche whereas going to the city school he would need neither.
- Going to the local school would mean less time with his parents every day. Going to the city school would mean more
- Local school has smaller class sizes and the chance to make friends closer to home

I think for me there are too many in the city schools favour. Of course if you were at home all day most of the points above are moot

beertons

Local school. So on days off, the kids play with their local school friends. I never forgave my parents for sending me to another school in a different town to my friends.

ncmc

There’s no right or wrong answer, I think you both have strong arguments in favour of your choice. Where will the child go to secondary school? If it is closer to where you live, then that would sway me in favour of the country school as he would be attending post primary with his group of primary friends. Vice verse if you were planning to send him to secondary school in the city then that would sway me towards the city school.

Overall, based on your arguments, I would favour the country school. But neither option is perfect. It’s just a matter of choosing which is best for your child with the most pro’s and least cons. Make a list and work it out.

Ultimately though, one of you is not going to get their way. Your husband sounds like he’s acting really immaturely over the fact that he didn’t get his way.

Springfields

Personally i would prefer the country school too. Mainly because his /her friends that they go to.school with will likely be living in the area too and is great when they are small . And when.they are all they may he able to cycle /walk to and from school. . Also i would really get hung up on one of ye having to be nearby tye school. I do live really near our school and have never been called to get there in a hurry. I understand your husband may be.disappointed but overall the child's happiness is what's important and where he/she is likely to thrive. It's a huge part of.their lives and it's so great when they are happy going to school.

Loveinapril

I would be of the belief that less/ no time with a childminder would be preferable than a child spending many hours each day with one. Financially you would be better off too.

The country school sounds great, but with your husband's working hours, he could be bringing your child to more afterschools activities and facilitating play dates in the local community.

LegacyUser

In the school i work in (i'm not a teacher) many teachers deliberate over the same dilemma, do they send their kids to the same school they work in or the local one,


one sent them to a different school and regrets it, one sent them to a different school and doesn't regret it, many teachers sent them to the same school (its a very decent school) and have not regretted it one iota,

the kids love having mom or dad around especially in primary (not so much in secondary), they love getting to stay after hours and run around the hall or get their homework done before heading home, some do afterschool art with their parents who teach afterschool art.


kids will inevitably have problems no matter which school they go to, you have to think whats best for your kid if they do?

i know people who sent their kid to a rural small school like you thinking it would be better to be local, until they got bullied, because the school was so small, they refused to deal with it because they all "knew" the parents of the kid involved, because the class was so small the victim was alienated from everyone, in the end he moved to a new bigger city school where he met his still to this day best friends. being local can mean local politics at play too, so there is sometimes a benefit to the anonymity of a city school.

so it's swings and roundabouts, i would say send him to the city school with dad he will make friends there that can come over, he can always take up a local activity to make friends local or organise get togethers with the neighbours, but give him a wide circle of people to better their chance of finding someone they are suited to.

and your kid will thrive no matter what you decide but maybe give him a better chance.

Xterminator

Marriage-can’t compromise on school for child

should read Marriage-wont compromise on school for child.

Hi Op

you both have good points - there are pro's and cons to both arrangements. But i really think the underlying issue here might not be the schooling of the child, but that both of you are taking a stand, and that this standoff is a symptom of your relationship.

some good advice about, re making a list of pros and cons, sitting down together and going through them, & agreeing after 1 year to revisit the situation and see if your both happy with how things are going.

You need to work on your relationship so you don't get to Trump Wall standoff situations & issues are dealt with in a way that there isn't a loser and a winner.

ChrissieH

Hi OP

I was in a similar position to your child - went to a small country school my mother taught in rather than the bigger local school in my own town, and all my siblings and I really did not appreciate it.
I know some other posters here have said that they / children liked having their parent in their school but I'm on the side of the posters who've said the opposite so bear with me.

We were treated completely differently by the other children - looking back, I imagine that their childish mentalities thought that they had to be extra nice to us in case we told on them and they got in trouble! I also felt that we got slightly softer treatment from the other teachers. I also had to hear some of the "bold" kids slagging off my mother on a daily basis, which was hurtful and led to a lifetime of being overly defensive about my family. And like another poster said, there's a feeling of being kind of "public property" in the school.
Yes, hanging around after school writing on blackboards was fun and maybe the lifelong affinity I've had for education stemmed from feeling so comfortable in the classroom environment, but in my experience, being a pupil at my mother's school was not a good thing at all.

Regarding the social aspect; I was lucky in that I always had neighbours around my age living in our estate, so I did have friends that I could play with in the evenings and during holidays, but it wasn't that way for all of my siblings, it was definitely very lonely for some of them.
When the time came for secondary school, it was terrifying to have to walk in there alone on my first day, but all in all, I much preferred secondary school and made new local friends that I stuck with, as I did always feel like I didn't fit in with the primary school crowd, given my kind of "special status"

I can't really say anything different to what other posters have said because you do both have valid reasons for where you want your child to go.. I personally would be leaning towards the local small school for all the reasons you've outlined.
But I do still agree with other posters that this should not be a battle for one or the other of you to win; this should be absolutely about what's best for the child and I would have thought that both of you should see the same advantages and disadvantages to both choices, so is it just a matter of totting them up and seeing which option comes up trumps?

Sunny Dayz

If you take out the fact that your husband works in one of the schools out of the equation and assumed he worked nearby to the school. It boils down to do you send him to a school near your home or near your work (cos you mention you work in the city also).
Near your work means he is with you on the commute, if you get a call from the school you aren't too far away and you can pop out for school plays etc. You don't have the worry and cost of childcare which is a big thing for parents.

However if you send him to the local school, you will need a good childminder. You will be depending on someone to drop him off, collect him, give him dinner each day. If he's sick or the school has an in-service day or training day, they will need to be able to mind him. It can be a bit harder to get to know other parents if you aren't doing the school run - speaking from personal experience.
You also need to weigh up the pros and cons of small rural school versus larger urban school. Rural schools generally have smaller class sizes but also may have fewer or older facilities. Also consider what secondary school he might be going to, hard to think about that when you are only looking at primary school but it should be taken into consideration.

iamwhoiam

What happens if his dad is sick ? Can you drive the child to the city school ? All things considered I would choose the country school so that is in his community and close to friends

meeeeh

Unless you want to spend your weekends driving your child and possible siblings to birthday parties 40 minutes away then send him to the local school.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. OP here.

Everyone has good points and not everyone agrees so when we have personal points to us you can see how it is hard to agree!

I didn’t mention but I would love to be able to start my job at 10 so that I could do the school drop off. I would also love to work a 3 or 4 day week so that I’m there for drop off or pick up some of the time. I would like if I had another baby/maternity leave so that I am there for one full year of school drop offs but that is selfish on my part. The 3/4 day week is not an option in my current job and I can only hope that the opportunity comes up in the future. I didn’t mention as it’s not definite at all and if it does happen, that’s a plus for me getting to spend time with the child. Though thank you to the people who pointed out more time with a parent vs with a childminder is of course better.
My husband would be home from city school to relieve child minder at about 4.30.

I can see what’s wrong with the situation is that I think the country school is best but with no parent nearby, that takes away from that option. But I also hate the idea of the 50 min commute every day. Dad is great but he likes listening to the radio rather than singing songs etc.

We live in a great location for kids (small village, everything in walking distance) otherwise I would move closer to the city school.

cannotlogin

It seems like your husband choice is driven by logic, i.e practicalities around travel, childcare and financial savings and yours is driven by emotion, i.e. local closeness, etc.

I come from a family where there are many teachers, both immediate family and extended and the dilemma arose of each occassion. I can give you many examples where the child being in the same school was the best/worst option and vice versa.

I think both you and your husband need to consider what is the plan for your family over the next 10 or so years and what suits best for everything you both want to avhieve for the family- i.e. more children? likeihood of moving house? either of you moving jobs? you potentially giving up work etc? what do the additional childcare costs do to household budget? what is the supply of childcare like in the area etc?

Also, is the child really the main consideration here. perhaps your desire for the local school is driven by your desire to build a network of parents locally, etc?

IvoryTower

It's 50 min both way right? So 1hr 40 each day

That's a lot of car time to me, otherwise I would have said daddy's school made the most sense. Childminder not great either, tough one.

shesty

What time does your husband's school finish at? I know your husband thinks family time, but he will be babysitting basically while trying to do afterschool work himself. I assume he has to hang around the school a bit after the finish.


Also one other thing - secondary schools. What secondary schools are you thinking, and is either school a feeder school for preferred secondary schools? We currently have our first starting in Sept, and it has to be a consideration too.



Daughter of a teacher myself - we went to the local school, mum preferred not to teach her kids. Personal choice. We had a minder who was super, and we have a minder for our kids now - much beloved, and worth their weight in gold. It's not always a bad thing.

John Hutton

Send the child to the school their father works in. Join the child up with local gaa club etc. The kid will have loads of friends, both school and at home.

The father will be able to look after and keep an eye on the child and have an influence if things go bad, bullying, learning disabilities etc.

And you will save on childcare.

I think the major issue here is your desire to work less/quit and the fact that if the child goes to the local school (particularly if you have more kids) it will lend weight to your desire to quit work.

meeeeh

However kid will be spending 1.5 hours in the car daily, after that he will have to do homework. How much time or desire will be left for GAA.

Our go to the childcare provider next to school. They love it there and can play with other kids, do their homework and have some lunch. Last thing I would want for the kids is daily long commute.

John Hutton

meeeeh wrote: »

However kid will be spending 1.5 in the car daily, after that he will have to do homework. How much time or desire will be left for GAA.

Our go to the childcare provider next to school. They love it there and can play with other kids, do their homework and have some lunch. Last thing I would want for the kids is daily long commute.

With their Dad! It's 45 minutes per trip, which is really not very long at all. Loads of kids travel that long on school buses etc (or spend ages waiting for a bus each way, so while the travel time may be less with the waiting for the bus the total time is the same or longer)

As for homework, he may get to do this in school after others leave while his dad is doing lesson prep etc. Or just don't when he gets home, it's not like they won't be home until 8pm.

meeeeh

John Hutton wrote: »

With their Dad! It's 45 minutes per trip, which is really not very long at all. Loads of kids travel that long on school buses etc (or spend ages waiting for a bus each way, so while the travel time may be less with the waiting for the bus the total time is the same or longer)

As for homework, he may get to do this in school after others leave while his dad is doing lesson prep etc. Or just don't when he gets home, it's not like they won't be home until 8pm.

So what if it's with dad. It will be 1.5 h of wasted time. I have mine in the car for 5 minutes each way and I can't wait to kick them out when we get to school. And they have no desire to spend extra time in the car with me either.

PhoenixParker

John Hutton wrote: »

With their Dad! It's 45 minutes per trip, which is really not very long at all. Loads of kids travel that long on school buses etc (or spend ages waiting for a bus each way, so while the travel time may be less with the waiting for the bus the total time is the same or longer)

As for homework, he may get to do this in school after others leave while his dad is doing lesson prep etc. Or just don't when he gets home, it's not like they won't be home until 8pm.

Very few primary aged kids would travel that far.
Secondary would be more common, but it still puts a big hole in the day.

It’s not time with dad, it’s time strapped in a car seat in the back while dad concentrated on the road.

For illustration, some stats from the last census:

* Ninety per cent of primary children (490,299) left for school between 8 and 9:30am. Of these almost 53.1 per cent (260,301) left between 8:31 and 9am.
* From Figure 5.3, about 6% of primary school children leave home before 8am
* The average travel time for primary students remained unchanged between 2011 and 2016 at 11.6 minutes.
* There were 3,640 (0.7%) primary children who took over an hour to travel to school.

https://www.cso.ie/en/releasesandpublications/ep/p-cp6ci/p6cii/p6stp/

I would absolutely opt for the local school. If all the local kids are in school together then gaa won’t cut it, he’ll be the odd one out who isn’t sharing the school day with them. Local friends are priceless at that age.

Local school all the way as far as I’m concerned

Sorry about that

I've been told that the best gift you can give your child is independence. For that alone, I'd choose the local school.

Having said that, it seems to me that both options are fine, both schools are fine, your child is loved dearly and will do great in either!

So it's a battle of wills, and who's going to back down. Compromise is difficult, especially when it's a kind of permanent choice like this. Try to remember that your child will most likely be fine either way. It might make it easier to reach agreement. Good luck!

Would vote for the local school too, but I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about your future work wishes (which I also agree with btw). 50 mins is too much of a commute for an adult, imo, let alone a kid. We shouldn't be normalising long commutes especially if there's decent facilities nearer for the kid to use.

LirW

I'm driving a lot since we're living rural and only have one car, I have to drop and pick himself up from his point of carpooling or bus. At least 1,5h a day with all runs but this will change this summer.
I have my son who's primary school age with me and he hates it and while he's my son and I love him, having a bored child on the car is not helpful when driving.

I fully get where he's coming from but what if he moves his job closer to home one day? What if the circumstances surrounding him change and he no longer can provide the same way to work?
If he had to call in sick for a longer period of time you'd have to drive or the child misses school.

I'd go with the school closer to home. I had a pick of several small schools here, I picked the one with the best reputation, it's in the next village 5km away since our village doesn't have a school. Other kids in the neighborhood go to different schools but if one parent can't drive we all help each other out. That said, I wouldn't run a child for 2 weeks that's in a school 50 minutes away.

I spend SO much time ferrying my older one around between CW, WW and WX that I'm glad I can save myself a way. You'll spend a lot of time driving the child in a rural location anyway. Don't make it more difficult for yourselves. They're my kids, I do it no questions asked but I spend a lot of time driving.

wiggle16

You made the right decision sending him to the country school.

50 mins is too long a commute for a child - I know some kids do have to do this but in a situation where there is a closer option you'd be mad not to take it.

From the child's perspective it is better for him too. People sometimes forget how important school is for socialisation, not just education. He will be in school with his friends - a school so far away could be isolating for him. I knew a girl whose father was her school principal and she said it always made her feel awkward with the other kids when he was around. I know thats not a deciding factor but it's still something to have considered.

I don't really see the benefit in the child attending your husband's school, at all. He would not be permitted to interfere in any issues that may arise because of the conflict of interest. If your child were bullied (or even bullied another child) he wouldn't be able to interfere in that and it could also cause tension with other teachers. Seems the only benefit there is the childcare but the benefit of the local school outweighs the drawback there.

To answer your question, I don't see much room for a compromise. You and your husband wanted different things. What you thought was best is what won out. There wasn't really a halfway point to find ground on... not being blunt but I'm sorry, he will just have to put on his big boy pants and get over it!

Sorry, also: small class size trumps ANY other reason to send him to another school. That's one of the biggest factors influencing the education the child receives.

BettePorter

As someone said it's swings and roundabouts but I'd go with the local too. Your husband seems to have an idealised view of what the shared commute with your kids will be like. After a week the novelty will have worn off and it will be what most kids do in the car on long journeys ....argue and want to be somewhere else. Two days a week I pick up my nieces and it's a minute journey home ... If I even attempted to make a detour into town on way they go crazy. They want to be home/having their dinner / playing /getting homework over with. At least with the local your kids would be home and presumably engaging with the childminder or siblings. Not sitting in the car listening to matt cooper or having their da asking them about their day every day for 8 years .

Jambalaya

I would go to the local school.

The only way I would consider going to a different school would be if I lived in a housing estate where lots of kids go to different schools. Where I live, lots of children go to different schools but they still have "local" friends because they live in a housing estate.

fatherted1969

Children need to identify where they are from imo, that means going to the local schools participating in whatever activities their community has to offer as a local. You don't want them pretty much a stranger trying to do all that. They'll develop friendships within their locality too. I'd be going local anyway, I'm presuming it's primary school ?

screamer

I wouldn’t mix home life and work, and this is no different. Having a child of your own in the school sets them up for bullying too, being teachers pet. I also saw many kids whose parents taught in the school given preferential treatment and leeway compared to the other kids, which meant the vast majority disliked them.
Have you asked your daughter what she wants to do? Presumably all her friends will be going to the other school, maybe she doesn’t want to change to somewhere she knows no one. But I do agree going to school an hour away means she will be a stranger in her own village, so it’s a tough one.

Last thing I will say is that we all need to learn how to deal with things and stand on our own two feet, your child will not have to do that with daddy there to hover. It might be wonderful in primary but can be a tough lesson in secondary. The vast majority of us send our kids to school with no one familiar to guide/ mind/ protect them, and tough as it is, it’s real life and the lessons they learn as they navigate that really builds their character.

PressRun

I'd definitely go with the local school. It's more beneficial for them to have friends who are near them so that it's not an ordeal for them to visit or play with friends on weekends or after school. What's stopping them from participating in after school activities at the local school either? I think your husband's ideas about what the commute will be like is not really what reality would be. Bonding time isn't going to happen on a 40 minute journey during rush hour.
I would also be swayed by smaller classes. From my experience, children thrive in smaller classroom settings where they aren't competing with many other children for the attention of a busy teacher.

beauf

I would say local school for sense of community etc. I didn't do this and I wanted this for my kids.

But I don't think you can do this unless one of you works locally.

If the husband changes job what then...

annoyedgal

Teacher here and married to a teacher. Our kids will go to the local school despite this meaning a minder for drop offs and pick ups after school.
We want them to have local friends and local after school activities.
I need to prep lessons before and after school so don't need to be minding my own kids while doing so! Also meetings, croke park hours etc, just can't imagine having them sitting in a corner reading or doing homework in an empty school building while I work.
Total waste of their downtime being stuck in a car for a commute and haven't even gotten into the potential issues around teaching my own child or having a colleague do so. Just plain messy in my opinion. I'd only entertain the idea if the local school did not have a good reputation which is not the case here.

BettePorter

Imo more than anyone you should listen to annoyedgal above. She speaks as someone who is in exactly that situ. You won't know it til you've lived it.

In other news have you considered the small.incidental stuff. If you've a few kids there will come a time you will literally have a different kids party to go to every other weekend. Do you really want to be also commuting on your weekend and having to hang around killing time for 2 hours rather than being able to go home for the duration?

heretothere

You've had a lot of responses, but I'll throw in my two cents! I for secondary school I was sent to a secondary school that under ideal conditions should have been a 45 min drive, but could take up to an hour.

I hated missing out on things with my friends. Not the big things, but the little things, like they'd meet up after dinner and go to the park or something which clearly I couldn't do with them, I didn't have primary friends to fall back on either as we had moved away for a few years just before secondary school. I know that won't be a consideration for you for a while but by the time he's 10+ he might ask if he can go to xyz's house to play for a few hours after dinner and you'll most likely have to say no.

jester77

As someone who grew up in the country side, I wouldn't wish it on any kid. It is lonely enough living there without feeling like an outcast because you don't go to the local school and never have the chance to form friendships with the other kids who live "close" by.

ChrissieH

jester77 wrote: »

As someone who grew up in the country side, I wouldn't wish it on any kid. It is lonely enough living there without feeling like an outcast because you don't go to the local school and never have the chance to form friendships with the other kids who live "close" by.

I love that you've said this; I grew up in a town, and so many of my adult friends are obsessed with living in the countryside because they have this idea that it's better for children; as if being around people is going to corrupt them.
Consequently, many of my friends spend astronomical amounts of "spare" time driving their kids around. It's no fun for anyone!
I know how lucky I was that I could walk to visit friends and go to the shop with our pocket money on Saturdays, which is why I feel bad for my siblings who didn't have children their own age living close to us; they might as well have grown up in the middle of nowhere, they didn't have any friends in our town until secondary school and had quite lonely childhoods. Being in a classroom with other children but then not seeing them again until the classroom setting the next day is not conducive to forming strong friendships, and friendships provide really important life lessons.

jester77

jester77 wrote: »

As someone who grew up in the country side, I wouldn't wish it on any kid. It is lonely enough living there without feeling like an outcast because you don't go to the local school and never have the chance to form friendships with the other kids who live "close" by.

I grew up in the countryside and I absolutely loved every minute of it and wouldn’t dream of bringing up my own kids anywhere but the country side. It’s just better in pretty much every way and that’s before even adding in the massive advantages in keeping an eye on your teens and keeping them out of trouble etc as they can’t just hang out round the town, have to be collected and dropped places so I much easier know what they are doing etc etc.

I also had plenty of friends close by, most of my primary school friends were within a 5 minute drive and some could be walked to etc. There is a lot of myths about county side living floating around nowadays.

aloneforever99

Moses Prickly Teamwork wrote: »

I grew up in the countryside and I absolutely loved every minute of it and wouldn’t dream of bringing up my own kids anywhere but the country side. It’s just better in pretty much every way and that’s before even adding in the massive advantages in keeping an eye on your teens and keeping them out of trouble etc as they can’t just hang out round the town, have to be collected and dropped places so I much easier know what they are doing etc etc.

I also had plenty of friends close by, most of my primary school friends were within a 5 minute drive and some could be walked to etc. There is a lot of myths about county side living floating around nowadays.

If you fit in, play GAA etc growing up in the country can be great.

If you're any bit different/ an outsider it's awful. I hated it.

I think growing up in the country going to school in the city is the best of both worlds.

Ursus Horribilis

I grew up in the countryside and have no interest in the GAA. There were other kids around and I never felt lonely. Honestly, some of the horse**** that people who've never lived in the countryside come out with at times.. We had electricity and running water too, by the way.

wiggle16

OP's kids are being reared in the countryside regardless, so the dis/advantages of growing up in a rural area aren't really what's being discussed.

Let's get back on topic

aloneforever99

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I grew up in the countryside and have no interest in the GAA. There were other kids around and I never felt lonely. Honestly, some of the horse**** that people who've never lived in the countryside come out with at times.. We had electricity and running water too, by the way.

If that's directed at me I think you misread my post, I also grew up in the country.

If you fitted in it was great. If you were a goth/emo, if you were gay, if you'd moved from abroad (even England) etc etc, you could be bullied mercilessly for being different.

As i said OP, the city school gives your kid the best of both worlds.

LirW

aloneforever99 wrote: »

If that's directed at me I think you misread my post, I also grew up in the country.

If you fitted in it was great. If you were a goth/emo, if you were gay, if you'd moved from abroad (even England) etc etc, you could be bullied mercilessly for being different.

As i said OP, the city school gives your kid the best of both worlds.

I'm a now adult former goth from abroad who moved into a rural village with like 200? People. We had no problems at all, my son has loads of friends here.
You can be bullied for being different anywhere really, it largely depends on the people around you, either at home or in school.