Marriage-can’t compromise on school for child

LegacyUser

Sorry for long post:(
My spouse and I have been having trouble lately where we both feel very strongly / have strong values and find it hard to compromise. We’re both fairly laid back but not as it turns out when it comes to parenting.

It is time for us to decide on which primary school to send our first child to.
My husband is a teacher and he would like our child to attend his school where he can keep an eye on the child, have time with them on the way to/from school which is a city school, watch their concerts/matches etc. We live 40-50 mins from his school, 20 mins of this are stuck in traffic. We both work near the city school.
That school has 600 pupils+. It has a good reputation. No childcare needed as my husband will bring to/from school. They would need to leave the house at 7.50.

On the other hand, we live rurally and live close to a small country school, also has a good reputation. The class numbers are much much smaller, so small that juniors and seniors are in the same class. We moved to the community a few years ago and I feel this school would be best for our child. The main reason is so that our child has a sense of belonging. So he knows, I live in X, I go to school down the road in X. As opposed to I live in X but am in the car 40-50 mins both ways on the way to school. The country school starts at 9.20 so we would have to leave the house at 9.10. Therefore there is no rush on the kids in the morning. I don’t feel kids should be rushed in the morning and be on a commute if this can be avoided. There is more free time before and after school for exercise, free play etc instead of being stuck in a car.
School friends are close by instead of 40-50 mins away though this is not a primary reason.

Our current childcare is beside the city school because we used to live there. So the kids are used to getting up early but it’s not ideal. We’ve to wake them and rush them through breakfast. If we send our child to the country school, we will have to arrange new childcare (no childcare needed if child goes to city school). Also if our child goes to the country school, we will both be away working near the city school. If our child goes to the city school, my husband will be close by as opposed to neither of us being close by.

I strongly think the country school is best because it is a good school, we live in walking distance and there is no commute for our child. My main reason against the city school is the commute. I don’t like that it is so big but I would agree to send our child there if it wasn’t for the long drive.
Selfishly, if we have another child and am on maternity leave, I would be able to drop and collect our child to the country school.

My husband would like to send our child to his school because it is a good school, he is close to our child and there is no childcare needed.

I feel my reason is what’s best for our child but his reason is what’s best for him and for logistics.

We had reached stalemate so he agreed to send our child to the country school. But he has been sad, angry and not engaging in the new childcare discussion since then.

My husband will lose the time he currently has with the child on the way and at drop off and pick up.
If we go to country school, neither of us will be there at pick up, it will be a new childminder.
In case I sound very selfish, I wanted to take a career break after my last maternity leave and my husband insisted I go back to work which I have so I know the hurt of losing time with your child because of what your spouse wants. There is hurt on both sides.

Any advice on how do we compromise when we both feel so strongly?

Big Bag of Chips

Do you have to work? You mentioned a career break, so is it an option for you to not work for a while, or to work closer to home?

I think you both have valid opinions and feelings on this. Your husband is obviously proud of his school and proud of his child, and would like to bring the two together. You would like the child to go to school locally but be minded by childminder, early in the morning, until evening time? That has it's benefits and drawbacks too.

I think you need to talk to each other again and acknowledge each other's feelings in this. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems you have dismissed your husband's opinion as selfish and just benefitting him. I'm sure he believes it would also be a good thing for your child. This is the first in a long list of decisions you will need to make. Don't start off thinking you're right and he's wrong. You are both right in different ways.

Going to school where you live is important for building local friendships, no doubt. But it doesn't have to be the only way of building friendships.

Talk to your husband again. Understand where he is coming from, and try to get him to understand where you are coming from. But be kind to each other. You both love your child, and you both want to do right by him.

factnee

Ask anybody whose parent taught in the same school as them when they were children if they would do likewise their own offspring and I doubt if you'll find anyone who would

I warned a friend of mine about this when he sent his children to the same school that his wife taught in. He assured me that everything would be fine, it was a big school and she would never teach them. Roll forward a few years and she got cancer. You wouldn't believe the amount of kids who came up to them in school asking if their mammy was going to die.

Stand by your child. Your husband will get over it. Your child deserves as happy a childhood as possible where his or her private life is not known by everyone and where he or she has to freedom to do silly things without the fear that it will be reported back to Daddy in the staff room.

LegacyUser

I think your husbands choice is the most sensible. As for him getting irritable. It sounds like he agreed to your school to end the conflict but the idea of losing that quality time with the child is breaking his heart.

LegacyUser

I attended the same primary school my mum was a teacher in . It does change the dynamics. She had to be seen to be extra strict with me so as not to be showing any favouritism.
I equally was conscious that any misbehaving would get back to her in the staffroom.
One teacher was a street-angel-house-devil who bullied some of us terribly in the classroom, but was sweetness& light to her peers& colleagues. Had my mum not been a colleague, she would have been in a stronger position to have dealt with it effectively.
There's a strong recommendation for not mixing business & pleasure. For both your husband & your child, it's better that they can separate work life from home life by attending different schools.

hobie21

factnee wrote: »

Ask anybody whose parent taught in the same school as them when they were children if they would do likewise their own offspring and I doubt if you'll find anyone who would

I warned a friend of mine about this when he sent his children to the same school that his wife taught in. He assured me that everything would be fine, it was a big school and she would never teach them. Roll forward a few years and she got cancer. You wouldn't believe the amount of kids who came up to them in school asking if their mammy was going to die.

Stand by your child. Your husband will get over it. Your child deserves as happy a childhood as possible where his or her private life is not known by everyone and where he or she has to freedom to do silly things without the fear that it will be reported back to Daddy in the staff room.

Country school. Don't make yer kid miserable because your husband is a fool.

afkasurfjunkie

What about days when your husband has to work late, like parent teacher meetings, croke park hour, staff meetings? Does the school have after school care? For the first 2 years your child will finish an hour earlier than your husband.
I work an hour from home and never considered bringing mine to my school. They will attend local school which is walking distance from us and our childminder will collect.

Clareman

factnee wrote: »

Ask anybody whose parent taught in the same school as them when they were children if they would do likewise their own offspring and I doubt if you'll find anyone who would.

My mother taught in the same primary school that I went to, in fact she thought me for 2 years, I'd hate to have it any other way, I absolutely loved every minute of it.

Faith

It's a tricky scenario, and I think you presented both sides very fairly. My instinct would say that children would prefer to spend more time with their parents than a childminder, and that developing links that are wider than the child's small-town environment would be beneficial for their development. They can still make friends locally to play with at weekends. But I do see the benefit of a local school too, absolutely.

Marriage wrote: »

In case I sound very selfish, I wanted to take a career break after my last maternity leave and my husband insisted I go back to work which I have so I know the hurt of losing time with your child because of what your spouse wants. There is hurt on both sides.

I noticed this slotted in at the end, and it feels like a bit of a "hand on the doorknob" mention (i.e. the thing that's mentioned on your way out of the doctor's clinic but is actually the most important concern). I'm just wondering if there's any part of you that feels like sending your child to the local school is a way to get back at your husband a bit for not supporting you in taking a career break? It would be totally understandable if that was part of your reasoning, but if it is, it might be helpful to reflect on whether that's getting in the way of what's best for your child? Just another thing to consider, and it might be way off the mark.

zapper55

That's a really good point Faith. I was wondering if this issue was indicative of a wider problem myself. Op I think some marriage counselling would benefit you both hugely. Maybe see each others side more, before it becomes a gulf in your relationship.

Hrududu

I think the only way the local school would make sense is if you didn't work. If you look at the logistics:

- Local school starts at 9:20. You work near the city school. So either your son goes to a child minder early to get dropped to school, or you change your working hours to drop him yourself
- If you go for the childminder then he has to get up early anyway
- If you drop him then you will finish work later meaning you get home later and spend less time with him in the evening
- If he goes to the local school then he will need to go to a childminder or similar after school.
- So going to the local school would mean he spends time with childminders or crèche whereas going to the city school he would need neither.
- Going to the local school would mean less time with his parents every day. Going to the city school would mean more
- Local school has smaller class sizes and the chance to make friends closer to home

I think for me there are too many in the city schools favour. Of course if you were at home all day most of the points above are moot

beertons

Local school. So on days off, the kids play with their local school friends. I never forgave my parents for sending me to another school in a different town to my friends.

ncmc

There’s no right or wrong answer, I think you both have strong arguments in favour of your choice. Where will the child go to secondary school? If it is closer to where you live, then that would sway me in favour of the country school as he would be attending post primary with his group of primary friends. Vice verse if you were planning to send him to secondary school in the city then that would sway me towards the city school.

Overall, based on your arguments, I would favour the country school. But neither option is perfect. It’s just a matter of choosing which is best for your child with the most pro’s and least cons. Make a list and work it out.

Ultimately though, one of you is not going to get their way. Your husband sounds like he’s acting really immaturely over the fact that he didn’t get his way.

Springfields

Personally i would prefer the country school too. Mainly because his /her friends that they go to.school with will likely be living in the area too and is great when they are small . And when.they are all they may he able to cycle /walk to and from school. . Also i would really get hung up on one of ye having to be nearby tye school. I do live really near our school and have never been called to get there in a hurry. I understand your husband may be.disappointed but overall the child's happiness is what's important and where he/she is likely to thrive. It's a huge part of.their lives and it's so great when they are happy going to school.

Loveinapril

I would be of the belief that less/ no time with a childminder would be preferable than a child spending many hours each day with one. Financially you would be better off too.

The country school sounds great, but with your husband's working hours, he could be bringing your child to more afterschools activities and facilitating play dates in the local community.

LegacyUser

In the school i work in (i'm not a teacher) many teachers deliberate over the same dilemma, do they send their kids to the same school they work in or the local one,


one sent them to a different school and regrets it, one sent them to a different school and doesn't regret it, many teachers sent them to the same school (its a very decent school) and have not regretted it one iota,

the kids love having mom or dad around especially in primary (not so much in secondary), they love getting to stay after hours and run around the hall or get their homework done before heading home, some do afterschool art with their parents who teach afterschool art.


kids will inevitably have problems no matter which school they go to, you have to think whats best for your kid if they do?

i know people who sent their kid to a rural small school like you thinking it would be better to be local, until they got bullied, because the school was so small, they refused to deal with it because they all "knew" the parents of the kid involved, because the class was so small the victim was alienated from everyone, in the end he moved to a new bigger city school where he met his still to this day best friends. being local can mean local politics at play too, so there is sometimes a benefit to the anonymity of a city school.

so it's swings and roundabouts, i would say send him to the city school with dad he will make friends there that can come over, he can always take up a local activity to make friends local or organise get togethers with the neighbours, but give him a wide circle of people to better their chance of finding someone they are suited to.

and your kid will thrive no matter what you decide but maybe give him a better chance.

Xterminator

Marriage-can’t compromise on school for child

should read Marriage-wont compromise on school for child.

Hi Op

you both have good points - there are pro's and cons to both arrangements. But i really think the underlying issue here might not be the schooling of the child, but that both of you are taking a stand, and that this standoff is a symptom of your relationship.

some good advice about, re making a list of pros and cons, sitting down together and going through them, & agreeing after 1 year to revisit the situation and see if your both happy with how things are going.

You need to work on your relationship so you don't get to Trump Wall standoff situations & issues are dealt with in a way that there isn't a loser and a winner.

ChrissieH

Hi OP

I was in a similar position to your child - went to a small country school my mother taught in rather than the bigger local school in my own town, and all my siblings and I really did not appreciate it.
I know some other posters here have said that they / children liked having their parent in their school but I'm on the side of the posters who've said the opposite so bear with me.

We were treated completely differently by the other children - looking back, I imagine that their childish mentalities thought that they had to be extra nice to us in case we told on them and they got in trouble! I also felt that we got slightly softer treatment from the other teachers. I also had to hear some of the "bold" kids slagging off my mother on a daily basis, which was hurtful and led to a lifetime of being overly defensive about my family. And like another poster said, there's a feeling of being kind of "public property" in the school.
Yes, hanging around after school writing on blackboards was fun and maybe the lifelong affinity I've had for education stemmed from feeling so comfortable in the classroom environment, but in my experience, being a pupil at my mother's school was not a good thing at all.

Regarding the social aspect; I was lucky in that I always had neighbours around my age living in our estate, so I did have friends that I could play with in the evenings and during holidays, but it wasn't that way for all of my siblings, it was definitely very lonely for some of them.
When the time came for secondary school, it was terrifying to have to walk in there alone on my first day, but all in all, I much preferred secondary school and made new local friends that I stuck with, as I did always feel like I didn't fit in with the primary school crowd, given my kind of "special status"

I can't really say anything different to what other posters have said because you do both have valid reasons for where you want your child to go.. I personally would be leaning towards the local small school for all the reasons you've outlined.
But I do still agree with other posters that this should not be a battle for one or the other of you to win; this should be absolutely about what's best for the child and I would have thought that both of you should see the same advantages and disadvantages to both choices, so is it just a matter of totting them up and seeing which option comes up trumps?

Sunny Dayz

If you take out the fact that your husband works in one of the schools out of the equation and assumed he worked nearby to the school. It boils down to do you send him to a school near your home or near your work (cos you mention you work in the city also).
Near your work means he is with you on the commute, if you get a call from the school you aren't too far away and you can pop out for school plays etc. You don't have the worry and cost of childcare which is a big thing for parents.

However if you send him to the local school, you will need a good childminder. You will be depending on someone to drop him off, collect him, give him dinner each day. If he's sick or the school has an in-service day or training day, they will need to be able to mind him. It can be a bit harder to get to know other parents if you aren't doing the school run - speaking from personal experience.
You also need to weigh up the pros and cons of small rural school versus larger urban school. Rural schools generally have smaller class sizes but also may have fewer or older facilities. Also consider what secondary school he might be going to, hard to think about that when you are only looking at primary school but it should be taken into consideration.

iamwhoiam

What happens if his dad is sick ? Can you drive the child to the city school ? All things considered I would choose the country school so that is in his community and close to friends

meeeeh

Unless you want to spend your weekends driving your child and possible siblings to birthday parties 40 minutes away then send him to the local school.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. OP here.

Everyone has good points and not everyone agrees so when we have personal points to us you can see how it is hard to agree!

I didn’t mention but I would love to be able to start my job at 10 so that I could do the school drop off. I would also love to work a 3 or 4 day week so that I’m there for drop off or pick up some of the time. I would like if I had another baby/maternity leave so that I am there for one full year of school drop offs but that is selfish on my part. The 3/4 day week is not an option in my current job and I can only hope that the opportunity comes up in the future. I didn’t mention as it’s not definite at all and if it does happen, that’s a plus for me getting to spend time with the child. Though thank you to the people who pointed out more time with a parent vs with a childminder is of course better.
My husband would be home from city school to relieve child minder at about 4.30.

I can see what’s wrong with the situation is that I think the country school is best but with no parent nearby, that takes away from that option. But I also hate the idea of the 50 min commute every day. Dad is great but he likes listening to the radio rather than singing songs etc.

We live in a great location for kids (small village, everything in walking distance) otherwise I would move closer to the city school.

cannotlogin

It seems like your husband choice is driven by logic, i.e practicalities around travel, childcare and financial savings and yours is driven by emotion, i.e. local closeness, etc.

I come from a family where there are many teachers, both immediate family and extended and the dilemma arose of each occassion. I can give you many examples where the child being in the same school was the best/worst option and vice versa.

I think both you and your husband need to consider what is the plan for your family over the next 10 or so years and what suits best for everything you both want to avhieve for the family- i.e. more children? likeihood of moving house? either of you moving jobs? you potentially giving up work etc? what do the additional childcare costs do to household budget? what is the supply of childcare like in the area etc?

Also, is the child really the main consideration here. perhaps your desire for the local school is driven by your desire to build a network of parents locally, etc?

IvoryTower

It's 50 min both way right? So 1hr 40 each day

That's a lot of car time to me, otherwise I would have said daddy's school made the most sense. Childminder not great either, tough one.

shesty

What time does your husband's school finish at? I know your husband thinks family time, but he will be babysitting basically while trying to do afterschool work himself. I assume he has to hang around the school a bit after the finish.


Also one other thing - secondary schools. What secondary schools are you thinking, and is either school a feeder school for preferred secondary schools? We currently have our first starting in Sept, and it has to be a consideration too.



Daughter of a teacher myself - we went to the local school, mum preferred not to teach her kids. Personal choice. We had a minder who was super, and we have a minder for our kids now - much beloved, and worth their weight in gold. It's not always a bad thing.

John Hutton

Send the child to the school their father works in. Join the child up with local gaa club etc. The kid will have loads of friends, both school and at home.

The father will be able to look after and keep an eye on the child and have an influence if things go bad, bullying, learning disabilities etc.

And you will save on childcare.

I think the major issue here is your desire to work less/quit and the fact that if the child goes to the local school (particularly if you have more kids) it will lend weight to your desire to quit work.

meeeeh

However kid will be spending 1.5 hours in the car daily, after that he will have to do homework. How much time or desire will be left for GAA.

Our go to the childcare provider next to school. They love it there and can play with other kids, do their homework and have some lunch. Last thing I would want for the kids is daily long commute.

John Hutton

meeeeh wrote: »

However kid will be spending 1.5 in the car daily, after that he will have to do homework. How much time or desire will be left for GAA.

Our go to the childcare provider next to school. They love it there and can play with other kids, do their homework and have some lunch. Last thing I would want for the kids is daily long commute.

With their Dad! It's 45 minutes per trip, which is really not very long at all. Loads of kids travel that long on school buses etc (or spend ages waiting for a bus each way, so while the travel time may be less with the waiting for the bus the total time is the same or longer)

As for homework, he may get to do this in school after others leave while his dad is doing lesson prep etc. Or just don't when he gets home, it's not like they won't be home until 8pm.

meeeeh

John Hutton wrote: »

With their Dad! It's 45 minutes per trip, which is really not very long at all. Loads of kids travel that long on school buses etc (or spend ages waiting for a bus each way, so while the travel time may be less with the waiting for the bus the total time is the same or longer)

As for homework, he may get to do this in school after others leave while his dad is doing lesson prep etc. Or just don't when he gets home, it's not like they won't be home until 8pm.

So what if it's with dad. It will be 1.5 h of wasted time. I have mine in the car for 5 minutes each way and I can't wait to kick them out when we get to school. And they have no desire to spend extra time in the car with me either.

PhoenixParker

John Hutton wrote: »

With their Dad! It's 45 minutes per trip, which is really not very long at all. Loads of kids travel that long on school buses etc (or spend ages waiting for a bus each way, so while the travel time may be less with the waiting for the bus the total time is the same or longer)

As for homework, he may get to do this in school after others leave while his dad is doing lesson prep etc. Or just don't when he gets home, it's not like they won't be home until 8pm.

Very few primary aged kids would travel that far.
Secondary would be more common, but it still puts a big hole in the day.

It’s not time with dad, it’s time strapped in a car seat in the back while dad concentrated on the road.

For illustration, some stats from the last census:

* Ninety per cent of primary children (490,299) left for school between 8 and 9:30am. Of these almost 53.1 per cent (260,301) left between 8:31 and 9am.
* From Figure 5.3, about 6% of primary school children leave home before 8am
* The average travel time for primary students remained unchanged between 2011 and 2016 at 11.6 minutes.
* There were 3,640 (0.7%) primary children who took over an hour to travel to school.

https://www.cso.ie/en/releasesandpublications/ep/p-cp6ci/p6cii/p6stp/

I would absolutely opt for the local school. If all the local kids are in school together then gaa won’t cut it, he’ll be the odd one out who isn’t sharing the school day with them. Local friends are priceless at that age.

Local school all the way as far as I’m concerned

Sorry about that

I've been told that the best gift you can give your child is independence. For that alone, I'd choose the local school.

Having said that, it seems to me that both options are fine, both schools are fine, your child is loved dearly and will do great in either!

So it's a battle of wills, and who's going to back down. Compromise is difficult, especially when it's a kind of permanent choice like this. Try to remember that your child will most likely be fine either way. It might make it easier to reach agreement. Good luck!