Why is dating so hard

LegacyUser

Just wondering if im alone in feeling this way? Any suggestions, opinions or thoughts are appreciated.

Im in my early 30's, always been told that im attractive, a good listener, genuine and a big hearted person. I dont cheat, lie or play games, I take good care of myself, I love animals and children and consider myself to be a caring person. Im also introverted and love my own company, I like going out and having fun too, that said if I didnt see my friends for weeks at a time, id be ok as im often busy doing my own things, I do make time for people and never let my friends down but I dont need to be around people all of the time. Ive also got a high level of education and work full time.

Im not perfect by any means, I have flaws like anyone else but im always trying to better myself in different ways and im learning more each day. One of my flaws is probably my level of introversion, im much more of a listener than a talker and I can be mistaken for a doormat which causes problems in my relationships but over all, im not a bad person and always try my best.

Basically im sick of dating and finding it so hard to connect with anyone. All the men I meet have ridiculous expectations and high standards, its like they have this idea of their perfect woman and if you dont meet those standards they nearly get offended, they treat you like you did something to them, its like they feel entitled to their ideal woman. Im aware that this might sound extreme but its just my view of the situation as I see it.

Lately ive been reminiscing about my younger years before social media and how much the dating scene has changed since then.
Guys who where interested used to let you know and tell you straight out, now they either behave like creeps and scare women away or they 'befriend' women in the hopes that something will progress and turn into more then becoming offended and self entitled when it doesn't. They also expect women to be mind readers in these situations.

Men also used to take their time getting to know women and make a genuine effort, now they seem to just play mind games and bolt at the smallest, insignificant little mistake or 'flaw' when they realise youre not perfect. I also have noticed that men seem to get really weird when the woman makes the first move or texts first, they get a really big head and start messing you around convincing themselves youre obsessed with them when all you said in the text was hello or asked how their day was.

Years ago if you texted a lad you fancied he'd either tell you straight out he wasnt interested and there'd be no awkwardness or he'd text you for a while before asking you on a date. It doesnt seem to work that way anymore.

I also notice how everything constitutes as stalking now, ive talked to so many men and overheard men with their friends talking about women 'stalking' them or women being desperate when all theyve done is text them or shown a bit of interest. Its so draining, do they expect women to sit by the phone waiting for men to text while in the mean time they complain about women not making the first move?
Its all just so draining.

What strikes me as the most confusing part is all the women I know who have children to different men, dont work, have no education above junior or leaving cert, obsess over the kardashians, instagram models and taking selfies and live in free houses get so much interest from men, theyve got partners who they cheat on, lie to and use their partners for money but still have no problem finding relationships.

Can anyone explain this to me? It just feels like being an attractive, decent person with your own money and independence doesn't tick any boxes for men. I dont even know what the expectations are anymore? Instagram model?

Jurgen Klopp

Sorry to hear. It sounds like you've just had a bad run of luck with the men your meeting.

Fellas get it too, you can be unlucky and have a run of head melters and you'd be burned of it too.

Are you using online dating much for meeting fellas? Percentage wise compared to real life there's a higher amount of Messer's, people with issues etc

music lover 2

I am a few years older but you have described me and my exact thoughts on dating

I have no idea what the solution is,dating is so difficult! The whole on line dating scene ( not sure if that's what you are referring to) from my experience is a breeding ground for really unhealthy behavior and its very "transacational" . I can't give you any words of wisdom but just wanted to comment and say I feel exactly the same way.

LegacyUser

I dont really do online dating, I tried it a handful of times but its not for me, never found anyone on it that I was interested in and most of the men are just on there looking for sex. I always found it to be a waste of time.
Im just talking about dating in general.

ginandtonicsky

You sound like you have serious dating fatigue. My advice would be to delete all of the apps and focus on yourself and yourself only for a while. You deserve to feel confident and good about yourself and dating is doing you no favours at the moment and it’s not worth it!

There are so many behaviours that are woven into the fabric of online dating these days - ghosting, fading, hopping from person to person. I think the most common is that people have so much perceived “choice” that they treat others like disposable commodities and actually CHOOSE no one because of the fomo of “what if the next swipe is my dream girl/guy”. Because of that people end up with these ridiculous expectations where they’ll pass on people for the dumbest reasons - too old, not educated enough, not tall enough, doesn’t live in the gym, doesn’t own a house, too keen, didn’t hop into bed with me, hopped into bed too soon....!

There’s been experiments on this theory too that prove that the more choice we have in anything, the less likely we are to actually choose any of the options put in front of us and I think it’s an epidemic in the dating world right now.

Don’t lose your self esteem and sense of self worth to this bs! IME there are ways to handle the whole scene so that it doesn’t have this negative impact it’s having on you, but it requires iron clad self confidence, strong boundaries, a strictness and frankness in who you meet and how you communicate and most of all a sense of humour!

For the moment I’d be advising you take a meaningful break and get back to a place of being relatively carefree about your dating life and learn to love being single again. You’ll do yourself no favours with a negative attitude towards dating as that does tend to permeate someone’s demeanour in a general sense and it’s not an attractive trait in someone (as much as I understand where you’re coming from)

CALI

Hi, I just wanted to say I’m feeling exactly the same. In fact I was going to post about it. I’m 40 but don’t feel or look it either I’m told. But since turning 40 I don’t get as much interest online and it’s really denting my confidence. I feel like everything I have going for me is negated by my age. Men my age just aren’t interested. 50 year olds with lots of baggage, yes. But I’m independent, no children etc etc so I should technically be able to find the same. I know I should take a break from the apps as you’ve all suggested but I feel if I’m not in I can’t win. It kind of feels like anyone single in my city is online anyway so it’s unlikely I will meet anyone new. I’d feel a bit of a saddo trawling late bars looking for a decent single man and no one approaches anyone anyway. I do have interests but like the op I’m a bit introverted at times and I don’t want to join stuff for the sake of trying to meet someone. I’m conscious I’m coming off negatively but just to let the op know I feel the same. Its hard to see how I’ll meet someone I’ll be enough for. And I’m a catch-i know that! 😄

ChrissieH

Girls, (and guys) I really feel for ye - I am not single but one of my best friends has been single since her marriage broke down 10 years ago, she's now 50 and hasn't met anyone throughout this time but I genuinely thought that was her own doing, because she was so hurt after the marriage breakup.. now I'm thinking different. I'd been encouraging her to go online but she really didn't want to, and I'm kind of glad now if what you're describing is true.
It's very sad because I feel like there are SO many genuine people out there looking for someone but it's like ginandtonicsky said; the more choice people have, the more difficult it is to make a choice and I really do think this is a huge issue with online dating, or more to the point, 'having lots of choice' a way of thinking now for most of society, due to the constant availability of consumer items / TV / social media / everything. There's an attitude of disposability and non-stop choice.

I saw the tail-end of the Late Late Show Valentine's special - I thought it seemed a bit hideous to be honest, but the 2 or 3 audience members I remember asking the panel questions, seemed to have similar problems: how do you meet someone or get beyond the first date?

I know people have recommended websites to people on other forums just in terms of meeting new people for friendship - is it meetup.ie or something like that? It seems like there are lots of single people out there who are genuine, and then there are lots who are shallow and looking for casual sex at most, which I suppose is a normal reflection of society, but at least if your friendship circle expanded, there's more opportunity to meet someone decent via mutual friends.

And as for your comment about other women who appear shallow being able to attract a partner - there's probably a lot of truth in that but of course you have to look at it from the point of view that obviously the men who are attracted to them, would not be the type of man that would be attracted to you & vice versa - it's highly unlikely that you'd have hit it off with a man who likes the company of a woman who's all about her appearance or who obsesses over social media or whatever it is. Our subconscious has a lot to do with what we're attracted to, and I'm pretty sure that you're giving off vibes of total independence, self-confidence and coolness, so you're the opposite to the women you're describing, and lots of people are more comfortable being with someone on the same level as themselves, and unfortunately, lots of people are far more comfortable being with someone that they perceive as weaker than themselves, as it gives them the powerful position in the relationship. There are hundreds of reasons why people don't click - if there weren't, we'd all be going around in a constant state of change, hopping from one partner to the other, because we'd be falling for people left, right and centre!

It's hard, I really wish you all the best with this, my heart goes out to you.

music lover 2

There's an attitude of disposability and non-stop choice.


This so so true Chrissie H

I know so many people male and female who are in shock if they A. manage to organize a date and B. Get a second date. Its seems that in the dating world we don't take the time to get to know each other, we dismiss each other so quickly and don't give anything the time to grow or not

I was out on Saturday night in my local pub and got chatting to two lovely guys and while that's all it was it was really nice to connect outside the realm of a dating app .I agree there are lots of great people out there but we all seem to fear rejection/show vulnerability etc....... and as a result are not putting our best self forward.

Plopsu

So, OP, where have you been meeting men?

ChrissieH

And, sorry now for slightly going off-topic, but it drives me absolutely mad watching programmes like First Dates, when people seem to be getting on fairly well and then at the end, they say "no, I don't want to meet up again, there was no spark" - like, give it a chance??? I feel like if people are on a date, they're immediately putting pressure on it all, it's a kind of "all or nothing" attitude; if everything isn't right, they don't want to spend any more time on it. Whereas if you started chatting to a guy in the pub on a night out and found him fairly interesting and fun, you'd go away thinking "hmm, I wouldn't mind talking to him again the next night I'm out" - I don't know how people think that there should be fireworks from the moment you meet someone new, that's so unnatural. OK, it does happen a small percentage of the time, but all of my long-term relationships started out either from being casual acquaintances, building up to fancying each other and then going out together, or from chatting a few nights out and progressing to kissing, and THEN determining whether there was chemistry or not.

I just think people are far too quick to dismiss people when they are actively searching for a relationship, rather than just giving someone a fair chance to grow on them.

Plopsu

ChrissieH wrote: »

And, sorry now for slightly going off-topic, but it drives me absolutely mad watching programmes like First Dates, when people seem to be getting on fairly well and then at the end, they say "no, I don't want to meet up again, there was no spark"

I'm pretty sure that's a polite euphemism for, "I like you but am not physically attracted to you".

music lover 2

I don't know how people think that there should be fireworks from the moment you meet someone new, that's so unnatural. OK, it does happen a small percentage of the time, but all of my long-term relationships started out either from being casual acquaintances, building up to fancying each other and then going out together, or from chatting a few nights out and progressing to kissing, and THEN determining whether there was chemistry or not.


Agree with this any of the healthy relationships I have been in most were slow burners in that there wasn't that mad/crazy fancying each other 100% at the start.It was built on yes being attracted to one another but also having lots in common/ same values etc..... IME when there is that mad/ full on attraction at the start it usually burns out very quickly. With regards to first dates am not sure how anyone could be relaxed on a first date knowing that its been beamed out to the nation:)

ginandtonicsky

Dontwanttodateanymore Original Poster wrote: »

I dont really do online dating, I tried it a handful of times but its not for me, never found anyone on it that I was interested in and most of the men are just on there looking for sex. I always found it to be a waste of time.
Im just talking about dating in general.

Just read this now. Where are you meeting these men then OP? Is it guys that hit on you in bars / clubs? Guys that slide into your DMs??

"Dating in general" in most countries these days constitutes the online world, dating apps and sites and the like.

IME the best way to be treated like a human and not a commodity / piece of meat by potential prospects is through your social circle. Where a friendship or familiarity builds first. Friend of a friend of a friend type scenarios or guys you meet through work / work events. Or someone you see regularly and get to know through a hobby, the gym, hiking, a photography class etc.

Are any of these avenues you can explore?

leahyl

I completely empathise with your situation OP, because I am in the exact same position. I must just be very picky but I find it very hard to even find someone I want to message online. I think it's my mind telling me that online dating is just not for me but still I persist, because it seems to be the only way of possibly meeting someone these days. I don't have loads of circles of friends that would know lots of guys so the chances of me meeting someone through a friend are slim.

I have very little experience with men too so this makes it all the more difficult. I guess we just need to solider on! Who knows what's around the corner!

leahyl

Lobster Book wrote: »

There's nobody stopping you from approaching a man in the real world and asking him out.

Yeah, easier said than done!

vargoo

<SNIPPED>

wiggle16

vargoo wrote: »

99.9% of lads would only be delighted at not having to wade through aformentioned sea of bitches (Mod - leave me alone after what I've been through for the last 9 months, well holy god)
.

MOD WARNING

Vargoo

I fail to understand how you think it's okay to post in Personal Issues by referring to all women, multiple times, as "bitches". That kind of attitude is not welcome in PI. I don't care what you have "been through". If you can't post constructive advice for the OP, stay out of PI.

Do not post in this thread again. Reread the PI/RI charter before posting in this forum again. Any further posts of this type from you will be actioned.

Clan Therapy

I completely agree! I'm in the same boat. Ive been there and done that with blind dates and online dating etc.

I am finding that when I decided to stop looking and started doing things that I enjoyed for ME thats when I began to meet nice and interesting people. I started getting invited to lots of social gatherings and from there I have built a large circle for friends.

Believe me you will randomly meet someone when you least expect it. Good luck!

Austria!

Clan Therapy wrote: »

Believe me you will randomly meet someone when you least expect it. Good luck!

Of course it could happen, but it is more likely if you are making the effort to look, going on apps, and speed dating and asking your married friends to set you up. The reason you hear of people meeting someone when they least expect it is the same reason you hear of man bites dog stories.

lainey_d_123

Austria! wrote: »

Of course it could happen, but it is more likely if you are making the effort to look, going on apps, and speed dating and asking your married friends to set you up. The reason you hear of people meeting someone when they least expect it is the same reason you hear of man bites dog stories.

It is kind of true though. I find myself in a really bad headspace when I venture on to the apps. An awful lot of very sad men on there who seem to get a kick out of bullying and belittling total strangers. I get all manner of patronising comments and weird 'negging' clearly designed to wreck my confidence so I'll be happy to sleep with anyone who'll have me. Yes, there's the odd nice guy, but it's draining and tiring wading through all the people who just want a one night stand, who are bitter and want to bring you down, etc. There's way more of it in real life as well, compared to ten years ago, but it's not as bad as online.

I genuinely do find that if I go out with a good attitude, determined to chat to people and have fun, I end up meeting people naturally. It is so hard for people like me and OP who need time to build up genuine connections, but there are no other options, really.

joeguevara

Dating is weird. I recently set up the apps and have had some great chats but never felt the desire to meet. Also a lot of people think a lot of people are lying.msokeone accused me of being a catfish last night because I seemed her ideal. She then got weird.

I don’t think dating is hard per se but I think at 40 I am not going to see someone for the sake of it. Also people find it strange that I have been single for over 5 years. It’s like it’s a bad thing. I think it’s funny but frustrating. Also because I have no kids they think it’s a lack of commitment. Jaysus maybe your right. It is hard.

SozBbz

OP, while there is probably a lot of truth to what you've said in your post, there is also a lot of generalization creeping in, and some of it comes across as quite bitter.

For example... comments about less well educated women who you clearly think are airheads being able to find relationships.... sorry but;

1. women judging other women - not a good look
2. comparison is the thief of joy
3. irrelevant

Focus on yourself. Do not let negative thoughts take over.

Finally, dating has always been a minefield. Granted, its a different sort of minefield these days and attention spans are an issue, but talking about "the good old days" is looking back through rose tinted glasses IMO.

lainey_d_123

SozBbz wrote: »

OP, while there is probably a lot of truth to what you've said in your post, there is also a lot of generalization creeping in, and some of it comes across as quite bitter.

For example... comments about less well educated women who you clearly think are airheads being able to find relationships.... sorry but;

1. women judging other women - not a good look
2. comparison is the thief of joy
3. irrelevant

Focus on yourself. Do not let negative thoughts take over.

Finally, dating has always been a minefield. Granted, its a different sort of minefield these days and attention spans are an issue, but talking about "the good old days" is looking back through rose tinted glasses IMO.

I don't agree. It's never been easy, but these days it's absolutely headwrecking. I think it's 100% the apps and making people feel like they have tons of choice and not wanting to commit and give something a chance. And the ease with which people can be ghosted and faded on them. I've never known people to behave as badly as they do now.

messy tessy

joeguevara wrote: »

I recently set up the apps and have had some great chats but never felt the desire to meet

If you aren't interested in meeting up with people then why are you online dating? I am genuinely curious... seems like a waste of time for everyone involved.

lainey_d_123

messy tessy wrote: »

If you aren't interested in meeting up with people then why are you online dating? I am genuinely curious... seems like a waste of time for everyone involved.

Exactly...the kind of person we're all complaining about! Nothing worse than spending hours chatting to someone only to realise they only want a penpal. It's not very respectful of people's time.

LimeFruitGum

Feel for you, OP. When I was in my early 30s, I had been single for a good few years and beginning to wonder what was wrong with me. I went to several evening and dancing classes, but they were mostly full of other women!

I had tried online dating on and off over the years, but I hated it. I think I only met 2-3 lads from online who could actually hold a conversation. It is exactly as transactional as other posters have described. The last thing I want to do after work is email a load of randoms. I am a a bit of an introvert and I need to wind down after a busy day. I'm not looking for penpals, it is hard enough keeping up with my own real-life friends

I walked out on a date once because the guy kept texting and scrolling his phone, and couldn’t multitask this with talking. I wasn’t going to sit there in silence. I finished my drink and told him he was being incredibly rude and don’t bother me again. I was stood up a couple of times by other blokes as well, and heard a load of bullsh*t excuses.

I went on blind dates set up by friends, I went to sooo many ****ty boring parties, only to find the lads were drunk, had nothing to say for themselves, or on their phones all night.

I ended up snogging one of the project managers at a work Xmas party and we have been together for 9 years now. He left the company a few weeks after we got together, so it was not too weird at work. Up until the party, we never crossed paths or had our eye on each other. We would never have matched on an app, but we’re doing alright.

I still do wing woman duty for my mates, but my goodness, it is rough out there. I remember one evening in The Mercantile, I had to roar at a guy to Fxxx off because he was trying to neg my friend. She made it clear she wasn’t interested in talking to him and he still wouldn’t go away. Or the ones that keep trying to hug or maul you before even speaking to you, urgh.

joeguevara

messy tessy wrote: »

If you aren't interested in meeting up with people then why are you online dating? I am genuinely curious... seems like a waste of time for everyone involved.

I meant no desire to meet that person. Not no desire to meet full stop. I am not into being a pen pal so if it isn’t there I politely say so. I’d love to meet someone. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

joeguevara

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Exactly...the kind of person we're all complaining about! Nothing worse than spending hours chatting to someone only to realise they only want a penpal. It's not very respectful of people's time.

See my post above. I meant I hadn’t desire to meet the person I chatted to. I’d love to meet someone if I did have the desire. I hate the whole pen pal thing.