BF seems overly obsessed with girls on FB

LegacyUser

Going anon for this as I feel slightly embarrassed worrying about a FB issue when we're both in our thirties. I'm not sure if this is my issue and I'm being insecure or whether it's a red flag. Basically I'm seeing a guy for the last four months. We are friends on FB and although I'm not on it much (joined as my sport club posts most events on FB) I've noticed that he "likes" with that wow emoji thing every post by two particular girls who mainly post revealing selfies. He never seems to bother liking anyone else's posts - mine included. As in, he never misses a single post of theirs. Weirdly I think it would bother me less if he liked posts of loads of girls instead of just two. I feel it's a little disrespectful as we have lots of mutual friends and they can see him doing this while knowing that he's dating me. Am I being insecure or should I tell him how it makes me feel?

Cash_Q

Definitely tell him how you feel, no point bottling things up. Whether or not he thinks you're being insecure, it's important that you communicate your feelings

leggo

I count that as light cheating tbh. That might be too extreme for some, but I'll let people I'm dating know my boundaries when we have the exclusivity talk. These days liking and all that is like a secret language, there's a whole process and dance people do with Instagram for example, but it's lightly pursuing people and letting them know you're interested. It can obviously depend: if it's a regular post about something funny or heartwarming or positive happening in a friend's life, then yeah no problem, but if it's a non-famous dude with 150 followers that lives around the corner posting a picture in his jocks? Yeah you're only liking that for one reason and it's not okay if you're actually committed to the relationship. I've got girls on social media who I'd fancy, but if I was committed to someone I'd feel sleazy liking all their stuff, because I'd know what I meant by it.

Would I dump someone over it? Not necessarily, but it'd definitely necessitate a conversation and the end result of that could be marching orders. Just get it all straight and clear in your head first, how you're going to approach it (calmly but directly is best) and where your line is, because the most likely response will be shrugging it off as nothing. And if you don't get an answer that helps either way, you just might have tipped him off to be more careful but changed nothing in essence.

ginandtonicsky

Are these women he’s dated previously?

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Are these women he’s dated previously?

One of them definitely not. She is an Irish "model" that he seems to have been into for several years. He has stopped commenting on her photos since we started dating but still super likes them. The other I can't be sure but I'd be fairly certain that they've never dated. Even the fact that I've thought about this enough to have figured that all out doesn't feel good. I used to be very insecure in past relationships but I took a few years to be single and work on my confidence. He's not very open with his feelings so half the time I'm unsure of how he really feels about me which doesn't help.

LegacyUser

I'm sure he's not physically cheating on me. I'm not worried about that happening.

I think part of my problem is that I'm not a huge fan of social media. I think that girls who have to put up half nude photos constantly in order to get likes from random guys are a bit pathetic and I think the guys that like those kind of girls are equally pathetic. It doesn't sit well with me that my bf falls into that category. If I lose respect for him, this relationship is never going to last.

Secondly I'm insulted that he can spend a few years consistently paying a girl attention online - even now while we're dating - but he doesn't put the same effort and consistency into our relationship. It makes me feel like I'm second best. He'll log on after our date or after sex (while I'm still in bed beside him) and start liking their new photos.

messy tessy

AmICrazy wrote: »

Secondly I'm insulted that he can spend a few years consistently paying a girl attention online - even now while we're dating - but he doesn't put the same effort and consistency into our relationship. It makes me feel like I'm second best. He'll log on after our date or after sex (while I'm still in bed beside him) and start liking their new photos.

You really shouldn't be feeling like this after four months! I would either have a word with him or get rid. It's not cheating but hugely disrespectful to you.

LegacyUser

I find it hard to believe this guy is in his 30s!
If you said he was 14 & totally in the throes of hormones& puberty, his behaviour would be understandable. As it stands, his actions are super disrespectful to both you& the relationship.
It's really something you shouldn't have to explain to a grown adult. But maybe you do.
He could be just very immature, or a bit sleazy, or have been living in a fantasy online land& not used to having a real life physical girlfriend.
You need to open up that conversation though.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I think if his behaviour is an issue for you you should talk to him about it.
The fact you arent and your let it all bottle up until your 'feel disrespected' is a bad sign of how freely you are able to communicate with your boyfriend.

i have to say i personally think you are being a bit precious, but like i said if it is an issue for you, then you should discuss it with him. I Would be surprised if he would not make reasonable adjustments to once you have actually told him how you feel.

It probably didn't have to become a thorn in your side, if brought up early, and addressed.

zapper55

Oh God doing it after sex is particularly pathetic. I'd have a alm conversation with him but he's either completely clueless or doesn't respect you. Neither is good.

Kidchameleon

Op this seems more like a self confidence issue for yourself that you need to work on. Why do you think people posting pictures is pathetic? Each to their own. If you were to ask him to stop, I think it would be a controlling move and he would be well advised to run a mile. You say one of these girls is a model so chances are hebis not trying to hook up with her

marklazarcovic

Maybe he's letting you know he likes this particular look on a woman,I wouldn't be psycho about it

ChrissieH

I would feel exactly the same as you. If people think that's an overreaction, that's irrelevant; there are lots of situations where I think someone else is overreacting and vice-versa. We don't all have the exact same codes of conduct & expectations in life, simple as.

I would feel insulted and insecure if my BF was constantly liking the same girls' photos, over and over again; it's not as if it's a one-off, it's constant, so I don't really think it's unnatural for you to be bothered by this.
It does seem like really immature behaviour from him and I feel like if I was one of those girls, I'd be sniggering / rolling my eyes at his constant reactions.

it all just sounds childish and seedy and desperate (on the girls part, for posting revealing selfies, and on his part for reacting to them) and I'd find it hard to take him seriously.

Bigbagofcans

It's strange that he only likes these girls' photos and no one elses. And likes them right after the two of you have been together. Maybe he thinks that since you don't use Facebook much that you don't notice him liking these girls' photos.

SozBbz

ChrissieH wrote: »

It does seem like really immature behaviour from him and I feel like if I was one of those girls, I'd be sniggering / rolling my eyes at his constant reactions.

it all just sounds childish and seedy and desperate (on the girls part, for posting revealing selfies, and on his part for reacting to them) and I'd find it hard to take him seriously.

I think this is it really, or at least how I'd feel about it.

I don't think it would make me insecure in my relationship, I don't think its any sort of cheating or whatever, but I still wouldn't like it.

I'd probably think less of him for it. Its very juvenile behavior, honestly I was surprised when you mentioned his age, as online drooling over glamour models/insta huns is a very teenage thing to do. Its not an attractive trait at all, I'd go so far as to say its a turnoff.

How much do you actually like this fella OP?

GingerLily

marklazarcovic wrote: »

Maybe he's letting you know he likes this particular look on a woman,I wouldn't be psycho about it

What a horrible immature way to communicate if that's true.

SozBbz

marklazarcovic wrote: »

Maybe he's letting you know he likes this particular look on a woman,I wouldn't be psycho about it

Thats a horrible statement.

Can a grown woman in a relationship not express dissatisfaction with behavior that makes her feel bad without being classed a psycho?

This man sounds extremely immature. His behaviour is hurtful to the OP, and also quite embarrassing, as I'm sure people in their social circles can see all this online activity.

Finally, he chose to be in a relationship with the OP presumably in full knowledge of what she looks like. They've only been together a matter or months, so I doubt she's changed significantly. I don't think thats whats actually going on here, but if it were then its ridiculous.

LegacyUser

SozBbz wrote: »

I think this is it really, or at least how I'd feel about it.

I don't think it would make me insecure in my relationship, I don't think its any sort of cheating or whatever, but I still wouldn't like it.

I'd probably think less of him for it. Its very juvenile behavior, honestly I was surprised when you mentioned his age, as online drooling over glamour models/insta huns is a very teenage thing to do. Its not an attractive trait at all, I'd go so far as to say its a turnoff.

How much do you actually like this fella OP?

I really like him. I've spent time with him and his daughter, met his friends and family. He has a heart of gold but he's clueless when it comes to dating. But this one thing just bugs me. I agree with the above. I think it's just a bit loser-ish. It makes me question what else he's immature about and it makes me wonder how real his feelings are for me. And I'm embarrassed that all our friends can see it.

LegacyUser

marklazarcovic wrote: »

Maybe he's letting you know he likes this particular look on a woman,I wouldn't be psycho about it

That's definitely not the case. One looks almost identical to me and the other is completely the opposite. I didn't fall from the ugly tree so it's not a case of me feeling less pretty than them.

SoundsRight

I think you're reading too much into it. 4 months is very soon into a relationship to start laying down boundaries, especially over something like Facebook likes. He may like their snaps, but he's choosing to be with you. That has to count for something.

Maybe talk about less use of the phone when in company, that's not good etiquette on his part.

cjragoo

It might say something about you if you're going onto these girls' profiles and checking all their latest photo posts to see if your bf super liked them.

ElizaBennett

What's off putting to me is how unromantic this behaviour is. I mean, right after sex you should be wrapped around each other feeling those oxytocin love hormones coursing through you. The very last thing on his mind should be other hot women when he's literally in bed with his very own hottie. What's wrong with him?
I would want to feel far more special than he is currently making you feel.

ChrissieH

cjragoo wrote: »

It might say something about you if you're going onto these girls' profiles and checking all their latest photo posts to see if your bf super liked them.

If you're friends with someone on FB it's going to be on your newsfeed when they've reacted to someone's photo??

LegacyUser

I am very surprised there are people on here suggesting you are 'psycho' or overreacting. Unless these people are clueless about relationships and have no experience of such I am bewildered why else the'd say that.
Anyhow. Your post brought back some of the ugliest memories from my past. I was going out with a man like that many years ago. We were once out at his friends' house for a visit and he was fixing the guy's laptop. Then he logged on to his own facebook profile and clicked on a picture of this woman he obviously liked the look of, she worked with him. The picture was he size of the screen and everyone in the room could see him looking at her and liking her. It was so incredibly embarrassing. This was the first time he had embarrassed me in this manner and I just had a little argument with him over it. He thought I was overreacting and being an idiot. Little did I know that this disrespectful behaviour would continue throughout our relationship. He never cheated on me and I am 100% certain but he'd be in the bed checking and liking the girls' statuses, getting and checking(!) notifications as he was driving etc.
Even reading your post hurt me. I hope you won't have to endure what I did but I wasn't on boards back then and was too embarrassed to ask family or friends.

Bigbagofcans

ChrissieH wrote: »

If you're friends with someone on FB it's going to be on your newsfeed when they've reacted to someone's photo??

Not disagreeing with you but it doesn't always show up that a friend has liked something.

SozBbz

ChrissieH wrote: »

If you're friends with someone on FB it's going to be on your newsfeed when they've reacted to someone's photo??

Also, if he's doing it wiht her in the bed right beside him, then she's hardly snooping?

It sounds like he's totally oblivious.

Its a hard one OP, like I agree that its not in itself worth throwing away what you have if you're otherwise happy but at the same time, he's coming across as a bit of an eejit so thats not attractive.

Based on what you've said to date, you've reason to call him out on it - doing it in the bed beside you alone is bad manners. Give him the benefit of the doubt and hopefully he'll see the light and change his behaviour. This is more than likely a habit that he needs to break, but he probably views it as harmless so sees no reason to stop. So tell him.

However, if he can't see reason and see that the feelings of his real life girlfriend should trump a silly habit, I'd loose patience fairly quickly. Also, he like all of us ought to be more conscious of his behaviour online in this day and age. I'm sure it wouldnt look good if a perspective employer checked him out -he might come across as either a creep/desperado. Theres plenty of reasons for him to just cut this out.

lertsnim

Drop that zero and get yourself a hero.

Muckka

Oh the good old, being in a relationship with someone who feeds narcissists on Facebook....

I had a girlfriend like that once, she's in her mid 40's
They get very bitter and behave like a victim when you show your a bit off about their Facebook behaviour, or intrepid trips away with male friends, hanger on's, putting you last...
I just walked away from it, because they don't change.
A guy like him would probably suit someone like him because they'ed be in constant competition for attention and prop one another up.

You'll more than likely will be made out to be jealous, controling and invasive.

After a while you'll be thinking you're the one who's going insane, because he'll always be one step ahead..

I was in your position a few years ago,and it was only the tip of the iceberg.
Not saying your situation is...

Men are far more narcisstic than women.

He's very immature at his age he should be building a relationship with you not undermining your confidence....

Emme

OP, I suggest you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It was written before the age of social media but it might help you make a decision about him.

LegacyUser

Really? He's getting his phone and mega liking hot girls pictures right after sex? I would imagine you're twisting this story a little just to hear what you want to hear on this forum, although I think most issues on this forum are probably presented thus. If it's really what's going on then he's either really stupid, purposely trying to annoy you, or it means absolutely nothing.

Kidchameleon

ChrissieH wrote: »

I would feel exactly the same as you. If people think that's an overreaction, that's irrelevant; there are lots of situations where I think someone else is overreacting and vice-versa. We don't all have the exact same codes of conduct & expectations in life, simple as.

Would that same logic apply to the boyfriends perspective? If so, perhaps they are just not compatible.

sexmag

EmilyKoral wrote: »

Really? He's getting his phone and mega liking hot girls pictures right after sex? I would imagine you're twisting this story a little just to hear what you want to hear on this forum, although I think most issues on this forum are probably presented thus. If it's really what's going on then he's either really stupid, purposely trying to annoy you, or it means absolutely nothing.

I agree here, not to mention it's been four months and you've met his daughter and friends already.

Best leave the relationship and get out

Kidchameleon

Yeah the fact you met his daughter after 4 months is another red flag.

facehugger99

If your BF being a clueless moron is the absolute best cast scenario then I think the relationship is in trouble.

ginandtonicsky

AmICrazy wrote: »

I really like him. I've spent time with him and his daughter, met his friends and family. He has a heart of gold but he's clueless when it comes to dating. But this one thing just bugs me. I agree with the above. I think it's just a bit loser-ish. It makes me question what else he's immature about and it makes me wonder how real his feelings are for me. And I'm embarrassed that all our friends can see it.

Have you brought it up with him? If you really like him and you think this is him just being "clueless about dating", then have a frank conversation.

"Listen John, I'm not really one for social media, but it's hard not to notice that you regularly "like" a lot of very revealing photos from the same two women on facebook. If I am noticing this you can be sure some of our mutual friends are too, and I'm not comfortable with that at all. What's up with it?"

I agree he sounds like a bit of an eejit and I'd expect more from a mid-30s guy with a kid, he's not representing himself very well here at all.

Ursus Horribilis

This is the best approach. I think a conversation needs to be had about it. Be careful not to bring your feelings into it (i.e. it being loser-ish). Just state the facts as outlined above and see where the conversation goes.

afkasurfjunkie

Start liking the same photos as he does. If either of them have a significant other or famous ex, start liking them too. See does he notice and see what he says. Hell, tag him in a few as well.

wiggle16

EmilyKoral wrote: »

Really? He's getting his phone and mega liking hot girls pictures right after sex? I would imagine you're twisting this story a little just to hear what you want to hear on this forum.

That's pretty unfair. OP doesn't know anyone here and isn't obligated to follow anyones advice, so theres no reason to assume she's embellishing her post. Its not exactly an outlandish statement anyway.

messy tessy

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Start liking the same photos as he does. If either of them have a significant other or famous ex, start liking them too. See does he notice and see what he says. Hell, tag him in a few as well.

Or just talk to him like a grown up!

lawred2

Boyfriend sounds like a bit of a loser

LegacyUser

Op here. I decided to have a good look at his social media activity before talking to him as everything else is going really well between us. It turns out that it's not just two girls. There are literally loads of them. I've come to the conclusion that he means nothing by it. He's the kind of guy who doesn't see anything wrong with wolf whistling at a girl on the street. I suspect he's just randomly liking every semi hot girl that shows up on his feed. I think it's a habit and I'm fairly certain that he won't understand why it makes me uncomfortable. I think I either need to accept that this is who he is and move past it. Or I need to realise that we're incompatible and I need to walk away.

Ursus Horribilis

I still think you should say something to him. Especially if you think he is just a bit clueless. What do you think might happen if you had a tactful word with him?

ginandtonicsky

Well yeah, if street harassment is the level we’re at here then I’m not sure what your chances are here.

He sounds like a total creep! You deserve to feel loved and adored by your partner, not mortified by his creeper horndog behaviour on social media and when you’re out in public. Gross.

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Well yeah, if street harassment is the level we’re at here then I’m not sure what your chances are here.

He sounds like a total creep! You deserve to feel loved and adored by your partner, not mortified by his creeper horndog behaviour on social media and when you’re out in public. Gross.

Not defending his behaviour but to be fair to him, he's never embarrassed me when out in public - I've never even caught him checking out other girls. I mentioned the wolf whistling as that's something he's said he doesn't see a problem with. In fact, he's convinced that women like receiving that kind of attention. Maybe the kind of women he follows on social media do.

Not tarring all builders with the same brush, but he'd have grown up around men that buy The Sun for page 3 and discuss women crudely.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, if that's what you want...

zapper55

If he bought the sun to drool over page 3 girls just after ye had sex I'd have the same reaction.

I wonder do you not want to say anything because he will say something you dont want to hear. Better now than a year or two down the line.

LegacyUser

zapper55 wrote: »

I wonder do you not want to say anything because he will say something you dont want to hear. Better now than a year or two down the line.

Probably. I think if I say anything overly critical or imply that I want him to change, he'll bolt. His relationship with his ex was rough and they argued constantly. His first reaction to almost everything I say is defensive like he expects me to blow up at him. He often askes if I'm annoyed with him even though I might only be chilling quietly on the couch or making a jokey comment.

Ursus Horribilis

If you think your relationship with him is that fragile, this is the least of your worries.

zapper55

Janey that sounds like you are walking on eggshells the whole time. And you are afraid to bring up issues because of the type of relationship he had with his ex.

The whole thing doesn't sound like much fun.

SozBbz

I agree, thats no way to be in a relationship. Keeping quiet about your own feelings just so as not to rock the boat.

None of us are perfect, and sometimes boats need rocking! Obviously some tact is required here, but I don't think this is something that you shouldnt be able to discuss.

As others have said, if he'd break up with you over raising a concern with him, then you're infinitely better off knowing this now rather than years down the line.

Don't be a doormat for the sake of having a boyfriend. Are you afraid of being single?

ChrissieH

OP I hear what you're saying about your BF, maybe you're trying to convince yourself that it's just "boys will be boys" but my hubby worked in buildings from when he was a teenager up til about 5 years ago and he didn't see anything wrong with buying The Sun but after a couple of months together, I started giving out about it and he used to be very careful not to open Page 3 in front of me!! :-D If he was reading a story on the opposite page, he would fold the paper over! Didn't stop him buying it completely but at least he was being considerate about it when I was there! A compromise, in my opinion.
He absolutely does not think it's normal or ok to wolf-whistle or randomly comment etc. to a woman and thanks to me being an utter feminist, he is now completely in tune with how creepy and intimidating certain situations can be for females that he wouldn't have even thought about before, so I don't see anything wrong with pointing things out to your boyfriend when they are pretty universally (judging by most of the reactions here) regarded as being a bit off.

I don't want to assume anything, but maybe his ex had similar problems with him, and maybe that contributed to the arguments? Who knows. At the end of the day, my opinion is that if he's that oblivious to how his actions might be a bit upsetting for a woman, then isn't it only right that someone gives him a bit of a heads-up and after that, it's up to him to decide whether he wants to keep doing these things, knowing they're a bit upsetting and undermining, or not. Time to grow up like.