Overwhelmed with kids & life

LegacyUser

If this is in the wrong section, please feel free to move it.

I need a break. I have young kids and a wife who need me badly but I am overwhelmed. I'm conscious that I'm ostensibly a selfish bastard, but I'm also conscious that the man they have here is not doing them justice at this point in time. I'm going back to work shortly and I had a total of 6 hours to myself over the entire Christmas, when I insisted I needed the space. In a healthy frame of mind, in healthy circumstances, I would use this time to catch up on my work. Things have gone beyond that now. I will be in trouble when I return to work as I haven't things done, and that will push me further into this hole.

Mentally, though, my work is now relegated to a side issue. I just feel exhausted, with no space to myself to just do nothing. Nothing. This has been building up for some time. I could leave the children into childcare next week, visit a gp and take the whole week off without telling my wife. I could tell her, but that would have her worrying even more. That would be the least selfish way I could handle this. But I've never done anything like that in my life. To be brutally honest I'm not even sure if a week will do it now.

I have to say that upon reflection, my life has recurrently gone through stages where I have been overwhelmed and badly needed- not merely wanted - to escape. Reading Michael Harding years ago in The Irish Times where he had a strong need to escape from his wife and kids every so often to rehabilitate himself struck a huge cord with me. It's a deeply personal need almost to breathe which reflects in no way upon my love for my family, although I don't expect many people to understand that. The happiest I have ever been was after a month-long walk on my own in Spain in pre-kids days. I've never done such a thing since they were born for the obvious reasons.

Energy levels have recurrently been low, and I've done the medical tests and those B12 injections but without improvement in energy. The more suffocated I feel now, the more intemperate my mood. I'm conscious I'm not a nice person now; my pleas for months now for more time on my own have been dismissed as not practical and it's just building up to this. Now, I feel I need much more time than I did then.

I really hoped that I could have more time to recover from everything over the Christmas, but the opposite has been the case - work would have been considerably more peaceful and easier than all the childminding and excitement of Christmas. Accordingly, I'm going back to work with more despair, more exhaustion and less hope than when I left it before Christmas. I think that's the key realisation now as the return to work beckons.

Lastly, I've tried counselling before but it was never insightful. I sense I need a psychiatrist now just to try and give me some insight into who I am in these phases of my life but I've never gone down the mental health route before and would worry how such a visit/visits on my medical history would affect my private health insurance, salary protection policies and so forth.

If anybody has any constructive insight or perspective that would be appreciated.

Big Bag of Chips

First off, I don't think what you are experiencing is that uncommon. I think with the stresses and pressures of life these day more people than who openly admit it feel like you describe.

The sense I get from your post is you've sort of talked to your wife about this, but haven't sat down and really explained. That's where you need to start. You need to tell her you are now at critical point where you feel something is going to give. Taking a week off isn't a bad idea when you feel everything getting on top of you. Putting the children into childcare to give yourself that space is actually a good idea.

I think you definitely need to speak to your GP. I would even suggest bringing your wife to the appointment. And just be honest. I'm not sure if a psychiatrist is what you need, just yet. They tend not to do the talking and figuring out that you think. For that you would be better off with a psychologist. But again, talk to your GP.

Your wife might be a bit dismissive at first, because I suppose she doesn't have the option of 'checking out', so it might take a bit of convincing that this is truly what you need. But you have said you don't want to tell her because you don't want to worry her. You have to tell her. Marriage is about supporting each other, and this is a time where you briefly need her to step forward and provide you with support. You need to be sure that she knows this isn't going to become a permanent thing. You'll need to reassure her that this is a reset. But you then also need to have something in place for afterwards to help you readjust.

I do think, right now, this is what you need and you need your wife's support. But I think you need to find a way to cope in future. Because you're right, when you're married with a small family getting 'alone time' is a very rare thing. So you need to find a way to deal with that, or find a way with your wife to maybe allow for it occasionally.

heretothere

My husbands brother got really into running after the kids were born. He goes running by himself a few times a week and gets a few runs away every few months.

It works both ways though, she got into the running too and loves her classes. It gives them both a bit of space to themselves.

I don't really know what to say. I do love my 'me' time as well but I don't have children and I suppose things have to change a lot, especially when they're small.

LegacyUser

Sáiteisbáite wrote: »

my pleas for months now for more time on my own have been dismissed as not practical .

How exactly did you communicate this with your wife OP? This sentence above makes me agree with Big Bag of Chips that you've sort of talked but not really with your wife about the issue. The reality of alone time for you is more work for her so not really surprised she'd dismiss it as not practical especially if you are not communicating how overwhelmed you are. You can't just plea for a break from your life without any thinking about the impact on other people. Communication here is the key, sit down with your wife and discuss things with her. Write it out before if it helps you make it clear to her your not trying to just dump all the child care and house work on her but that you are not able to cop and need help. If my husband came to me and said the happiest he ever was was on his own for a month in Spain I would worry that if he took time off from work and family he would never come back. If not expressed correctly it could be taken as a real slap in the face to her and your kids.

Taking a break might help in short term but it's really addressing the issue. You need to make sure both you and your wife get regular time to yourselves going forward but it means being super open and honest with each. Also consider life coaching rather than counselling.

fits

I can empathize somewhat. Parenting is relentless and it can be hard to get away. I am able to go for a good walk in a forest on my lunchtimes and it’s my savior. You need to identify what you need to do and just do it.

woodchuck

OP I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife about this. I know you have tried before, but maybe she didn't realise how serious it was.

In the interest of fairness though, perhaps you could suggest that you both help each other make time for yourselves. That could be one evening a week where you each have a night to yourselves or a small bit of time set aside each evening depending on what suits you both best.

ManOfMystery

I can understand where you're coming from OP. I'm certainly not anti-social (have a wide circle of friends and colleagues I get on well with) but equally I don't have an innate need for constant companionship - I have lived alone for long periods and am quite happy in my own company.

I'm married now with a child and I love spending time with them, but I still need that solo time now and again just to switch my brain off a bit and/or to pursue my own hobbies. No need to make conversation or engage in family activities or anything else. The first few times I did this (and I'm only really chatting about having an evening to myself, not extensive time periods) after becoming a father I felt a little selfish, but I've since come to realise it keeps me sane and without these little bits of time to myself, I feel suffocated and become irritable. I encourage my wife to do the same and take some time for herself as and when she needs it.

Looking at your time, why do you feel you have none to yourself? Are you and your wife both run off your feet or do you feel you're not getting enough support from her? Do you have family who can childmind now and again? Are your work hours excessive and can these be trimmed back a bit if you speak to your management? In short, what can you change to make things better?

Practically speaking, you probably realise and know that the days of a month-long solo break in Spain are probably gone. The needs of your family have to take priority over a very long break like that. But equally, you can't just ignore your own needs - as a compromise, do you think you can reconfigure your mindset a little so that regular short 'breaks' (like running/cycling/even sitting in a coffee shop for a few hours some evening) can all combine to provide that solo time you need and desire? I know it can be overwhelming thinking about the multitude of things always needing done - family / home/ work / etc - but I've found that if I try and break it down a bit, it helps. Plan for the week ahead and factor in some hours here and there just for you.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I need a break

so does your wife.

Reading Michael Harding years ago in The Irish Times where he had a strong need to escape from his wife and kids every so often to rehabilitate himself struck a huge cord with me.

do you think that's a normal healthy way to approach family life? to run away from your responsibilities and double your wifes burden, and expect understanding and acceptance for that plan?

I sense I need a psychiatrist now just to try and give me some insight into who I am in these phases of my life but I've never gone down the mental health route before and would worry how such a visit/visits on my medical history would affect my private health insurance, salary protection policies and so forth.

i would recommend you worry about the impact your behaviour has on your marriage, on your wife, on your kids and on your own wellbeing. Its not that that the above concerns are not valid, i just question if they are primary concerns?

look you said yourself

I'm conscious that I'm ostensibly a selfish bastard

. i dont know if you are, you certainly could be. But you could be just overwhelmed, and not thinking straight.

Do you think revelling in fantasies of escaping the family circumstances you created are healthy practical coping mechanisms? Let alone considering acting on those fantasies?

i think you need to cop onto yourself. You need to assess your priorities. If you think you need help, you probably do. Make that a priority.

And try to step back a little and see the big picture. young children are hard work. they don't stay young for long. this is hard, but its only a phase.

baby and crumble

When I was young, my parents always took separate holidays, and then we did a family holiday together. I think it’s probably the best thing my parents could ever do. Dad used to take off for a long weekend on a photography or fishing trip (his two big hobbies) and then Mam would do a residential craft or art course with the ICA at a different time of the year. It meant they kept their own lives and interests alive, and it was an even split looking after us kids on their own. Maybe you could suggest something like that to your wife? I think it’s utter madness to never have time to yourself, in a relationship or in parenting, everyone needs to reset once in a while.

strandroad

What's wrong with using childcare? It would give you both a break, your wife surely needs some too. Without childcare any time you claim for yourself (and it is a very healthy need) is just doubling her load.

Mr. Incognito

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

so does your wife.


do you think that's a normal healthy way to approach family life? to run away from your responsibilities and double your wifes burden, and expect understanding and acceptance for that plan?



i would recommend you worry about the impact your behaviour has on your marriage, on your wife, on your kids and on your own wellbeing. Its not that that the above concerns are not valid, i just question if they are primary concerns?

look you said yourself . i dont know if you are, you certainly could be. But you could be just overwhelmed, and not thinking straight.

Do you think revelling in fantasies of escaping the family circumstances you created are healthy practical coping mechanisms? Let alone considering acting on those fantasies?

i think you need to cop onto yourself. You need to assess your priorities. If you think you need help, you probably do. Make that a priority.

And try to step back a little and see the big picture. young children are hard work. they don't stay young for long. this is hard, but its only a phase.

This is terrible advice.

OP

I know how oyu feel. Everyone needs to make sure they have their own time for their mental health.

Sit down with your wife and explain it before it becomes an anger or irritant.

mirrorwall14

Are you both taking time to yourselves during the week? We have a three year old and a three month old who has honestly been super hard work (cows milk allergy, sick twice already etc). We both acknowledge that a break is needed by us both but we equally acknowledge that that increases the workload for the other. I’m now attending slimming world on a Thursday which gets me out on my own for an hour and a half or so. My husband will be making an hour and a half for himself on another evening. Those times are really important. Even if it’s going sitting in Mc Donald’s reading the paper with a coffee. Fantasising about big long breaks just won’t work in a marriage with kids but the hours out and the odd weekend off are what keep you sane. That can be as simple as not travelling to the in-laws together for example meaning the other person gets some unbroken sleep in our case and a few hours/day or two to themselves

December2012

Realistically, the only way you are going to get time to yourself as a parent is if you budget your time.

So, there are times in the day that you already have marked off, such as work, commuting, dinner, chores and family time.

If you need time to yourself, it is going to have to come out of OTHER time (assuming that your children are small and that their demands are the normal ones that a young family requires).

I found myself in a similar position, and the only thing that worked for me was going to the gym at 6 am in the morning. It was time that I could not think about anything else (can't think about work or the kids when you're running flat out or lifting weights) so my brain got to switch off. Now again, being realistic, I could not take a long amount of time, so I decided to go for a half an hour, most mornings. That meant I could go, exercise, drive home, wake up the children, my husband could go to work and I could pop into the shower quickly while my kids were waking themselves up. Then we all have breakfast, get dressed, they go to school and I go to work.

My body felt better, my mind felt amazing. I was happier and healthier, and it did not impact negatively on anybody one bit. the only thing was that I had to get up out of bed earlier.

Can you do that?

.......

Im not a parent OP. Specifically because I would hate to be in the position that you describe. I find ordinary life can be quite stressful even without having kids. Fundamentally I like time to myself and I would resent having to look after kids etc.....

However - you have kids - so you have certain responsibilities. But that doesnt mean that you have to give everything over and end up feeling totally overwhelmed. I think you need to do these things.

1 - talk to you wife about how you feel. I mean really talk to her seriously about it. You need to BOTH come up with a plan to help each other so that neither of you is feeling so overwhelmed. That might entail changes in how you live. You might need to get a cleaner, organise extra child minding, agree to "nights off" etc.. But something has to give - and that thing doesnt have to be your mental health - it could be as simple as paying someone to take the kids for 4 hours on a Saturday morning to give you both some space.

2 - talk to your GP. You need to talk to someone about your anxiety. Forget about insurance policies, salary protection etc... Frankly none of that is worth a **** if you are destroying your mental health in the meantime.

3 - actually put a new plan in place that includes downtime for you, your wife and for both of you together. Also include exercise.

4 - more communication. Yes, talk to your wife, but also talk to friends, family, whoever - you need support - go get it.

Dont be thinking that this is just a stressful period and you need to get over the hump by hoping itll all go away and having fantasies about taking a secret week off. Thats not going to help - itll make it worse. Step up and address what is happening. You are over whelmed, you need to change how you live, your wife needs to be involved and you need medical intervention without worrying about insurance policies etc...

Nothing is going to change unless you make changes.

kerryjack

Same here lad had a rough few weeks kids were sick, tired and contrary, we have 4 and we are totally exhausted. we have very little help because we don't ask and unfortunately people dont offer and are busy and getting on with there lives. A lot of our family and friends have been through this phase of there lives and came out the other side. What helps for us is no alcohol, good diet and outside as much as possible..

markpb

I can't offer any advice that hasn't been offered already but I can reassure you that you're not alone. I have a 3yo and a 6yo. The eldest has quite severe eczema and didn't sleep for 4 years, waking up every night scratching and bleeding. The youngest had reflux for 14 months and hasn't slept a night since, she's up for 2-3 hours absolutely every night. Both of us work so we're away from 8:30 to 6:30, mornings and bedtimes are a rush and then we've an hour or two to try to eat dinner, get housework done and, if possible, relax before bed.

The exhaustion is incredible, going into work and trying to concentrate all day long is an uphill struggle, we're never on top of housework so the house constantly feels like a dump. On top of it, we're both too tired in the evenings to talk or enjoy each others company. At various times, we've both felt like we're alone facing this problem.

Forcing both of you to take some alone time, even sitting in a cafe having a coffee for an hour as someone already said, is really important. You won't leave feeling recuperated but it will recharge your batteries enough to keep you going for another few days.

SirChenjin

Some very good suggestions upthread, I would suggest as a starting point, a good chat with your GP. When everything is getting on top of you, and you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it's hard to see a solution.

'Mentally, though, my work is now relegated to a side issue. I just feel exhausted, with no space to myself to just do nothing. Nothing. This has been building up for some time. I could leave the children into childcare next week, visit a gp and take the whole week off without telling my wife. I could tell her, but that would have her worrying even more. That would be the least selfish way I could handle this. But I've never done anything like that in my life. To be brutally honest I'm not even sure if a week will do it now.'

Look after your health, and if that means taking time out from work, do that.
Take care.

LegacyUser

I have to say that upon reflection, my life has recurrently gone through stages where I have been overwhelmed and badly needed- not merely wanted - to escape........The happiest I have ever been was after a month-long walk on my own in Spain in pre-kids days.....my pleas for months now for more time on my own have been dismissed as not practical.[/quote]

Your personality is likely geared towards being introvert. You need solitude & quietness& space for thinking. It's what makes you tick.
Extroverts love crowds, people, activity.
So family life now for you is feeling overwhelming likely because there's just so much, well, noise!
How is it "not practical" to recharge your batteries, basically nourish your soul?
Surely you can think of creative ways to engineer time to yourself?
Your wife must have some hobbies/interests/friends that she'd appreciate time for. Why not strike a deal that she gets a day to herself once a fortnight,& so do you?
Organise a regular "date night" as well- plan something fun- good for your relationship & your kids.
Book the kids in to camp/activities/creche- keeps them learning& interacting with others outside family.
How much would a babysitter cost? Now how much would a counsellor/psychologist cost? It's a no brainer.

redfox123

What hobbies do you have? Do you not take turns to take care of the kids, as in one night you take them she goes and does her own thing and the next she takes them, at least once a week have a night off each. Why do they need you badly all the time? Of course they need you but the way you phrased it sounds like they need you desperately 24/7 which is not usually the case when there are two parents to share responsibility.
Some mindfulness or meditation classes could really help you. It sounds like you're getting overly stressed and often new mindsets and perspective is all that is needed, not running away from what sounds like normal family life for long periods of time. If you have constant low level anxiety and stress it is tiring and draining so you need to manage this, as in your mind, clear your head, not everything external to it. And that will come from simple things like a regular habit of meditation, walks, a hobby that involves solitude perhaps.

bluelamp

You need help OP, and there is no shame in asking. Your friends, your siblings, your parents, your wife - I'm sure there are people willing to give you a dig out.

Yes your wife and kids rely on you, but it's a bit like when you're on an airplane, and they say "put on your own oxygen masks before helping others." You need to look after your own health to look after them.

You need to set aside a few hours a week for yourself - and do whatever it takes to do that.

In terms of feeling overwhelmed with all the things you need to get done - I find making a list every night helps for the next day. It keeps you focused on what you need to do.

shesty

OP....three kids here, 4.5, 2 and a baby here.I am the wife.We have had ten solid days of vomiting, temps, more vomiting, antibiotics, and vomiting.Three doctors visits and the latest, a trip to Temple St.

I am beyond fed up.I am going crazy.I know my husband is too.Both of us very much like our personal space, and there is none.I do understand where you are coming from.Expecting month long trips away for yourself though is just not going to happen
so as others have said, it has to be short weekly bursts.And an important thing is to offer your wife the same opportunities.Because neither of you can do this alone, you both need breaks from it.Personally all I can do is focus on the future when the 24/7 pressure might ease a bit, but there are days when I really wonder how much more I can take of this.

kerryjack

Ya we don't know what a sick child is until you take a trip to temple street. Was there with one of my kids and left same day with good news . Everything else is only small stuff. Everyone will tell you that these are the best years when kids are small and you forget about all the sleepiness nights and when these days are gone you will never get them back.

shesty

I was just thinking that last night.Went in with a baby who was mildly dehydrated.What I saw and heard around me put it in perspective.It's not the first time we have been in, and we have always managed to leave within hours.Makes you count a few blessings alright.

ShaShaBear

shesty wrote: »

I was just thinking that last night.Went in with a baby who was mildly dehydrated.What I saw and heard around me put it in perspective.It's not the first time we have been in, and we have always managed to leave within hours.Makes you count a few blessings alright.

Both our girls were regular Temple Street attendants (one with a moderate metabolic disease and the other just a clicky hip). Sitting there in the waiting room seeing some of the kids there broke my heart, and definitely made me more grateful that I just have to put up with vomiting bugs, coughs and snot.

On that note, OP, I was in the same position as you two years ago (I am the wife). My husband worked two jobs and I worked from home and also took care of our two girls, who were 1 and 2 at the time. I had my eldest girl put into childcare for just 3 days a week from 9-12 and it was the best decision we ever made. As soon as my youngest daughter was out of her brace and walking, we put her in too. They're both now in pre-school Monday-Friday from 9-2 and it gives me an hour of peace to have breakfast and then I can get my own work and housework done in utter peace and quiet.
But you definitely need to spell this out to your wife. And be ready to listen, because you've given no indication as to what kind of pressure your wife is under and whether or not she will be afforded the same breaks you seem to need.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I can see where you are coming from OP and it's great to see so many people posting that they are having tough times too.

My wife and I have a 16 month old and found out recently we are expecting our second. It was planned but I'm still coming to terms that I will have a girl just turned 2 and a newborn soon enough.

As others have said it is crucial to have some of your own time, also important your wife does the same. For me, I either have a quick run or blast on the rowing machine, or spend half an hour playing games. You might have found the same but my social life has diminished hugely. i used be a very social person but a combination of being busy working and parenting and the vast majority of friends being in the same boat that has gone by the wayside.

Communication between you and your wife is absolutely key and make sure you take time out to talk. When my wife and I lived in an urban area pre-kid we used to go to the pub for one or two quiet drinks once a week and chat. It got us away from the TV and our phones. Now that we are living in the countryside and have our toddler this is only possible rarely. Instead we will once a week turn off the TV in the living room, get ourselves a drink, ignore our phones and (this might sound mad!) play some ambient pub sounds on one of the phones and talk.

Another way to looking at things is that the parenting side of things should improve. In 6 or so years time I'm hoping we'll be at a stage when our ones can get themselves up on a weekend morning, go downstairs and sort out some cereal themselves.

ShaShaBear

Francis Sticky Mosquito wrote: »

In 6 or so years time I'm hoping we'll be at a stage when our ones can get themselves up on a weekend morning, go downstairs and sort out some cereal themselves.

I literally fantasize about this day eventually coming to pass :pac:

markpb

Francis Sticky Mosquito wrote: »

In 6 or so years time I'm hoping we'll be at a stage when our ones can get themselves up on a weekend morning, go downstairs and sort out some cereal themselves.

Our three year old thinks she can do this already! Some mornings I'm tempted to set fire to the house on the way out. It seems like much less work than cleaning up the ensuing mess of soggy corn flakes and litres of spilled milk

shesty

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I literally fantasize about this day eventually coming to pass :pac:

Oh my God yes.
After that I fantasise about the day I can leave the oldest in charge for an hour or so, and go out.But that's way in the mists of the future!!

Sunny Dayz

Francis Sticky Mosquito wrote: »

In 6 or so years time I'm hoping we'll be at a stage when our ones can get themselves up on a weekend morning, go downstairs and sort out some cereal themselves.

That stage is great, while you can't relax fully (cos you're expecting some sort of disaster) it's nice to not to be out of your bed at the crack of dawn at the weekend, you can read a few pages of your book in peace.
However we have now gone beyond that stage - kiddo is a teenager so now at the weekends he wants to sleep in til 11 but we want to get up between 9 and 10 and make the most of the weekends after working all week.

professore

My youngest is 14 :cool:

Looking back on it, we really both should have organised more time alone for ourselves, even if it was just once a week for an hour or two, but especially me. This would have made a HUGE difference.

My wife had coffee mornings etc so although it was full on for her too she did have some change of scenery, I was work to home and back for years. No one to blame other than myself for not sorting something out. Somehow I felt the family came first and I was second. This is a stupid attitude.

I've remedied this now and have a good mix of running, hobbies and social life - but have way more time to do it now than before.

eviltwin

My eldest is 22 and I still remember the overwhelming mental and physical exhaustion and I just had one. Lots of great advice above. You'd be amazed how much of a difference it makes having a night off from the family and the home. Best of luck and remember that it won't always be this hard.

BBFAN

OP, it's not selfish to want some space of your own. Any parent that claims they don't need that is lying.

However, as others have said, a month away is just not going to happen anytime soon so you have to learn to make do.

Can't offer any other advice apart from what others have mentioned here, take turns with your wife to have some time off and don't be afraid to bring this up with her, she's probably dying for some time to herself as well!

One thing I did notice was you said usually when you had a quiet hour or two you'd be catching up on work, and yet you say you take next week off so are you paying attention to work during your off time when you don't need to?

Work should be 3rd on the list of priorities after family and yourself.

ShaShaBear

shesty wrote: »

Oh my God yes.
After that I fantasise about the day I can leave the oldest in charge for an hour or so, and go out.But that's way in the mists of the future!!

I've seen my two together.
The earliest my eldest gets left in charge is when she's 30 :pac:

John Mason

You know every married women I know with children has a husband in counselling.

We are lucky my company has EAP and they are all using this free counselling service. Check if your company has EAP, if they do, take advantage of the free counselling. This alone with give you an hour to yourself, it will also give you some coping strategies.

On the other hand, every married women I know with children are holding f'ing everything together and just getting on it. They don't get the luxury to opt out but that is a rant for another forum.

.......

John Mason wrote: »

You know every married women I know with children has a husband in counselling.

We are lucky my company has EAP and they are all using this free counselling service. Check if your company has EAP, if they do, take advantage of the free counselling. This alone with give you an hour to yourself, it will also give you some coping strategies.

On the other hand, every married women I know with children are holding f'ing everything together and just getting on it. They don't get the luxury to opt out but that is a rant for another forum.

Gender is irrelevant IMO and we really need to stop making these gender specific statements in Personal Issues.

I know plenty of married people where the husband is in counselling, where the wife is in counselling, where neither are in counselling, where both are in counselling and some have children and some dont. The OP is not suffering with feeling overwhelmed because he is a man with a wife and children. Mental health issues affect us all.

Ursus Horribilis

You either must work in a company where everyone knows each other's business or has the most indiscreet HR department in the country if you can make statements like that.

santana75

Op you gotta look after yourself otherwise you wont be able to take care of anyone. Do what you need to do, even if it makes your wife angry at you. Even if everyone is shaming you and attacking you for making yourself a priority. Let them shame away but hold your ground because your health is your responsibility and nobody will look after it for you. People will try to use shame to get you to step into line with how they think you should act. Posters on here will shame you and use passive aggressive language. Ignore it. Do what you need to look after yourself mate and dont allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

BBFAN

santana75 wrote: »

Op you gotta look after yourself otherwise you wont be able to take care of anyone. Do what you need to do, even if it makes your wife angry at you. Even if everyone is shaming you and attacking you for making yourself a priority. Let them shame away but hold your ground because your health is your responsibility and nobody will look after it for you. People will try to use shame to get you to step into line with how they think you should act. Posters on here will shame you and use passive aggressive language. Ignore it. Do what you need to look after yourself mate and dont allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

So we should all do whatever suits us even if children are involved?

G-Man

Do you have fun together or relaxation together as a family or as part of a family...

Try and replace some of the time spent doing family chores and work with fun things together... That's a must , once twice a week... Even if you can't find time ad a family, maybe go away ad one parent and kid and do something you like for a day..

I find when I do that, even the mundane slog becomes easier.. You find more things to relate to and discover many good things about your family...that make it rewarding to just be together...

ManOfMystery

santana75 wrote: »

Op you gotta look after yourself otherwise you wont be able to take care of anyone. Do what you need to do, even if it makes your wife angry at you. Even if everyone is shaming you and attacking you for making yourself a priority. Let them shame away but hold your ground because your health is your responsibility and nobody will look after it for you. People will try to use shame to get you to step into line with how they think you should act. Posters on here will shame you and use passive aggressive language. Ignore it. Do what you need to look after yourself mate and dont allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

This is not good advice.

Whilst I agree that the OP needs to look after their health and well-being, they have to strike a healthy balance between their own needs and the needs of their family - most importantly, the children they are responsible for. No-one is trying to shame the OP, they're merely advising him that the fantasy of a month-long break somewhere, which he has previously indulged in whilst a younger carefree man, is not really a feasible solution at this stage in his life when he has responsibilities - a wife, children, a job - which he chose to take on. So, he's going to have to rethink things and come up with an effective new approach to de-stressing.

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santana75 wrote: »

Op you gotta look after yourself otherwise you wont be able to take care of anyone. Do what you need to do, even if it makes your wife angry at you. Even if everyone is shaming you and attacking you for making yourself a priority. Let them shame away but hold your ground because your health is your responsibility and nobody will look after it for you. People will try to use shame to get you to step into line with how they think you should act. Posters on here will shame you and use passive aggressive language. Ignore it. Do what you need to look after yourself mate and dont allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

I dont think this is a good idea at all. The OP has responsibilities. It would be extremely unfair on his children for him to just "do what he wants to do". Thats not an adult way to approach a problem at all.

Its not about shaming anyone but being realistic. Changes need to be made. But they need to be made in the context of the situation - ie, that the OP is a married man with a family.

Advising him to just look after himself would be detrimental to both his family and himself in the long run.

shesty

There are two parents in the house and both parents need a break.Parenting can literally break you.

In looking after his own health in this case, the OP does need to give consideration to seeing does his wife need a break too.

TheBoyConor

OP i think you are running with yourself.

You have responsibilities and commitments. You have a wife and children - the days of running off on solo backpacking trips are over!
You can't be running off abconding on random solo or lads trips here or there if you are married with kids.

All married people get stressed out with the married family life of work and childcare. They suck it up and get on with it because it is the life decision they chose.

Do you expect your wife to make do without such trips and getaways for herself? if she wanted to go on one would you take care of the children and house and work for the full month?

Do you expect your wife and kids to go on holidays without you because you've used up all your holiday leave gallivanting around europe like an 18 year old with a USIT travel card?

I think you need to man up and step up to your responsibilities.

dubstepper

To be honest you do sound selfish to me. I have four kids under 12. It is hard, and was a lot harder (the youngest is 6) a couple of years ago. You have to just get through it.

Here would be my advice:

* Give yourself some down time in the evening. Not talking just spending it doing what you want (walk/netflix).
* Try and agree a couple of hours off on the weekend. Maybe take turns having a lie in on sat/sun.
* Forget about running away for a week/month. You have responsibilities greater than your own pleasure.
* Talk to your employer if they are expecting you to work out of hours. Sure there can be some work but not if it would dominate Christmas.
* You say that work is easier than parenting your kids. That is a given. I was a stay at home dad for a year around 5 years ago. Was never as happy to go back to work. It was lonely and hard work.
* Tell yourself it will get easier!!! It really will.

Sorry if I sound hard but it does annoy me that it is *mostly* men who can't cope with kids. A total cop out IMHO.

shesty

To be fair, I don't think most men can't cope with kids, I think they just never have to.And when they do have to, they freak because the reality of it is that it's so bloody hard.
Women can't freak, because there is nobody else to hand the work over to.
And women talk to each other and can have a support network.Because we have to.
But you are right in your suggestions.

TheBoyConor

Men can't deal with long term childcare because they have the cop out of saying they are not used to it/wouldn't be well up on it/are tired from work and in a lot of cases that seems to be accepted.

Women have no such luxury. They have no choice to cop out and just have to get on with it. if they said they couldn't handle it they'd be slammed as incompetent mothers.

It's a complete double standard but it is one that is reinforced by they way society is and has been always in that a mother is/was the primary caregiver and the father was the breadwinner.