New relationship

Heat_Wave

Hi there,

A guy I've been dating for the past two months asked me to be his girlfriend last Friday.

However, he has been very off with me since. I called him out on it in text on Christmas Day and he said "he's scared". He said it's nothing to worry about, and that he is always "scared" when he gets close to girls. He then said his friend was told that he is going to be a dad, and he said "that sh*t freaks me out". Is this normal? He then subtly suggested that he doesn't want to be "serious". To be very honest, I think he regrets asking me to be his girlfriend, it's clear as day, but I cannot understand why he asked me only last Friday, to then suddenly change his mind so quickly only 3 days later? We didn't even see each other within those 3 days.

I think I already know the answer here but sometimes it's nice to have that reassurance.

I'm asking for peoples on opinions on this, in addition to asking if men genuinely "get scared" or is this a classic excuse?

wirelessdude01

Is he ten? Sounds very immature.

Heat_Wave

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Is he ten? Sounds very immature.

He's 25

LegacyUser

Did you answer in positive manner when he asked you? Maybe he thinks you don’t want it if not. Either way two months in unless both of ye just want to mess around with zero consequences it’s prob best to put a title on it

Cash_Q

Would you be happy to go back to being "not his girlfriend" but just seeing each other? If so, suggest this to him and see if he relaxes a bit more, maybe he does regret asking you. Only trouble with reverting back to how you were is, he may never ever want to become boyfriend and girlfriend, so will you be wasting your time in the long run?

Heat_Wave

Cash_Q wrote: »

Would you be happy to go back to being "not his girlfriend" but just seeing each other? If so, suggest this to him and see if he relaxes a bit more, maybe he does regret asking you. Only trouble with reverting back to how you were is, he may never ever want to become boyfriend and girlfriend, so will you be wasting your time in the long run?

I wouldn't be interested in going backwards. It's quite insulting. I also feel like it was a lousy thing to do at Christmas time - ask a girl to be your girlfriend, then subtly change your mind three days later, on Christmas Day.

I replied with "shall we call it a day?" and his response was "call it a day?? What?? Not exactly no, I am just scared that's all".

lawred2

Your response must have been jarring to him... Maybe underwhelmed him somewhat..

And he subsequently felt embarrassed

'Calling him out' - not sure how that's really helpful - by text as well - surely you should speak to a prospective boyfriend about such matters.

Maybe you're both not ready

lawred2

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I wouldn't be interested in going backwards. It's quite insulting. I also feel like it was a lousy thing to do at Christmas time - ask a girl to be your girlfriend, then subtly change your mind three days later, on Christmas Day.

I replied with "shall we call it a day?" and his response was "call it a day?? What?? Not exactly no, I am just scared that's all".

To be honest, stuff like 'shall we call it a day' would have me 'calling it a day'

It's a bit aggressive no?

Cash_Q

Ah God sounds like he's messing you around. If I were you I'd arrange to meet up and go through thing a face to face. Be honest about how it makes you feel when he says he's scared. Ask him to be honest about what scares him, and explain your expectations as boyfriend and girlfriend, compared to your previous expectations. In the beginning, being a couple usually means no more than being exclusive and not dating other people. It usually takes a long time for a relationship to head in the direction of living together, settling down, starting a family etc. This happens very quickly for some couples and maybe he's afraid that's what you want. If it is what you want be honest, but if it's not, then assure him of this. The main thing I would take from this is an insight into his emotional maturity and how he communicates his feelings and communicates in general. If you aren't put off by those, pursue him, but life's too short to waste on someone who isn't on the same wavelength as you.

It was really ****ty of him to mess with your head like this over Christmas.

woodchuck

lawred2 wrote: »

Your response must have been jarring to him... Maybe underwhelmed him somewhat..

And he subsequently felt embarrassed

Sounds pretty unlikely tbh. Unless she had a very negative response, which it doesn't sound like she did.

I'd say it's much more likely that after hearing his friend is expecting a baby, that he's freaking out about potentially being tied down so young. He might think that making the relationship exclusive is the first step towards marriage and kids. Completely overthinking it of course, but it happens.

OP you really need to have a proper conversation with him, not by text! Ideally in person, but if that's not possible atm, then at least over the phone.

Has he ever had a serious relationship before? Or does he have a pattern of starting to get serious with someone and then running for the hills? If it's the latter, personally I'd take matter into my own hands and not wait to be left in the dust.

LegacyUser

I’d be annoyed - this sort of childish commitment-phobia. I mean, absolutely nothing has changed about your dynamic except that there’s a label on it.

You should point out that if he’s doing this on the back of his friend’s situation that unexpected pregnancies don’t just happen with ‘girlfriends’ but can happen with one night stands too so is irrelevant to this ‘commitment.’

To be fair if he’s backtracking like this, I would assume he doesn’t have an ounce of cop on and would bin him

LegacyUser

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I replied with "shall we call it a day?" and his response was "call it a day?? What?? Not exactly no, I am just scared that's all".

You know you don't need his permission to end things? I'd be telling him it's over. When it starts with trouble like this, rarely does it get better. Honestly, when someone is really crazy about you there is none of this nonsense! None! They like you, they're forthcoming in how they feel, they don't mess about, there's no drama.

And what's does his "not exactly, no" mean? He doesn't quite want to call it a day, he just wants to go back to when it was just casual? He's too afraid to be an adult, then find someone who isn't going to mess you about.

qwerty13

Sounds to me like he wants to be fúck buddies, and not exclusive

redfox123

Ah god no couldn't be arsed with that carry on at all. What was your reaction to his asking? Did it seem planned that he would ask or was it in the moment? Either way he sounds like a little boy saying he's scared come on you don't want that in a man haha there are scarier things than having a girlfriend for gods sake. Ridiculous, tell him you've no time for this childish don't know what he wants carry on, asking and then taking it back? Stupid time wasting drama tell him you're not on fair city with that sh*t and move on.

wiggle16

It sounds more like he's inexperienced relationship-wise and is having the "so is this it?" moment.

As in he might be getting a bit freaked out by the idea that you might be his "forever person", the only person he will ever date or sleep with again EVER etc. I think it's common enough especially with guys, but most people don't verbalise it. And it doesn't mean he's not into you either. It's more about him, not you.

Whatever the reason, it's not fair of him to blow hot and cold like this. I think you need to be honest with him about how it makes you feel, you can reassure him that there's nothing to be "scared" of, but that you also need to know where you stand.

In other words, he needs to sh*t or get off the pot, but don't be that aggressive about it. And you should call him or meet up to talk. It's not the kind of conversation to have over text, imho.

wirelessdude01

Heat_Wave wrote:

I replied with "shall we call it a day?" and his response was "call it a day?? What?? Not exactly no, I am just scared that's all".

Passive aggressive much?

Heat_Wave

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Passive aggressive much?

I wouldn't call it passive aggressive.

There were several texts back and forth and all I wanted was a simple answer. I told him he was acting off and he admitted to it, saying it's because he's "scared". Meanwhile, he wasn't even going to wish me a Happy Christmas, and I did not hear from him yesterday, nor have I heard from him today.

He clearly does not want to be together and that's fine, but it would have been nice to hear him say that as I feel like he has made a fool out of me. I do not get into relationships easily, and I told my friends we were official last week, and now it appears as though he wants nothing to do with me. It is the strangest situation I have encountered.

lawred2

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I wouldn't call it passive aggressive.

There were several texts back and forth and all I wanted was a simple answer. I told him he was acting off and he admitted to it, saying it's because he's "scared". Meanwhile, he wasn't even going to wish me a Happy Christmas, and I did not hear from him yesterday, nor have I heard from him today.

He clearly does not want to be together and that's fine, but it would have been nice to hear him say that as I feel like he has made a fool out of me. I do not get into relationships easily, and I told my friends we were official last week, and now it appears as though he wants nothing to do with me. It is the strangest situation I have encountered.

Just be done with him. He sounds like a child.

Caranica

Be proactive. Block him on everything and move on. If you don't you'll wonder if every notification is from him. You deserve better than this time waster

LegacyUser

I dated a guy like that a few months this ago. Sounds very very similar. All great, super positive start, we're a bit older myself early 30's him late 30's. He asked me to be boyfriend/girlfriend after 3mths, met his brother and all, and a few days later having not seen him in the meantime, he goes cold...no reason, hadn't seen him or done anything for him to change his mind but he did. Again, didn't get a reason just 'im not feeling it and I think you want it more'...

Left me totally gobsmacked. Looks like he got cold feet. I think we're past all this. If a guy wants a relationship he'll have one, this game playing just isn't on

Passtheremote

Sounds like he's "future faking". Pretending and making out you and he are going somewhere. Then pfff... gone in a day!

Hot then cold with no real reason. His friend gets someone pregnant and now hes scared. Rubbish.

Future fakers live in the moment. Say whatever they need to to get what they want and get a buzz off coming across as a "great guy" in the moment. Its just messing.

Dont let people mess with your emotions. 25 is not young. He needs to put his big boy pants on.

Heat_Wave

Update

A friend of his from 4/5 years ago died over Xmas. From my conversation with him, he fell out with this friend a lot and they haven't spoken in years. Friend even lived in another country.

Anyway I texted him after 3 days of him ignoring me and this was the conversation.

Me: has something happened here?
Him: not now Emma
Me: it has been 3 days and we haven't spoken
Him: Can we meet soon? I'll kiss your forehead
Me: sure, let me know when suits?
Him: what are you upto?
Me: about to head into town with the girls
Him: oh very nice enjoy x
Me: will do. Let me know when suits to meet up.

I go out and the next day... photos from the afters of the funeral go up on Facebook and he's tagged in two - in one he has his arm around a girl, and in the other he is sitting on her lap with his arms around her and they're gazing into one another's eyes.

I deleted his number and there's been no communication since.

TLDR; he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes, He then doesn't speak to me over the whole Xmas period, finally he says it's an issue of being scared but then, blames his silence on the death of a friend from 4/5 years ago. He claims to be in mourning all week but meanwhile looks like he hit it off with some girl at the funeral afters.

Did I do the right thing?

Idle Passerby

Yes. That text exchange screams disinterest on his part. "Not now Emma" pfff! I wouldn't be waiting around for someone so dismissive to decide I'm worth contacting. Then he half heartedly tries to reel you back with vague meet up suggestions when he cops your annoyed. You are well rid.

Cash_Q

Heat_Wave wrote:

Did I do the right thing?

Yes! He sounds like a total asshole

LegacyUser

You absolutely did the right thing! He's an idiot! Make sure he cannot contact you on anything as I find people like that tend to boomerang back when the new person on the scene doesn't work out. These people like to have a backup person i.e. you, hence his "let's meet" crap. That's to keep you on the string.

I hope you're not too down about it. Also, don't waste time trying to figure out why he behaved the way he did. With people like that you will just never know! Chalk it up and move on to better things.

Heat_Wave

qwertyqwerty18 wrote: »

You absolutely did the right thing! He's an idiot! Make sure he cannot contact you on anything as I find people like that tend to boomerang back when the new person on the scene doesn't work out. These people like to have a backup person i.e. you, hence his "let's meet" crap. That's to keep you on the string.

I hope you're not too down about it. Also, don't waste time trying to figure out why he behaved the way he did. With people like that you will just never know! Chalk it up and move on to better things.

Thanks so much for this!

I am quite down tbh, as I was excited to see what the New Year would bring. I bought him a lovely gift for Christmas too which is now just sitting in my room.

I am not down because of him (although I was a few days ago), but rather I feel down because someone has treated me so badly when I have been nothing but good to them.

On a side note, I never mentioned, we work together, albeit on different teams. He works on a team where this whole "lad culture" is very prominent, and his male colleagues all knew we were dating, and I know he will tell them that we slept together, and my fear is what he'll say in that regard. I guess I cannot do anything about that though but try to ignore it.

wirelessdude01

Do you kind me asking what ages ye are as he sounds quite young?

Heat_Wave

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Do you kind me asking what ages ye are as he sounds quite young?

He's 25, I'm 28.

Sunflower 27

Absolutely did the right thing. He's so immature.

wirelessdude01

Look he sounds immature but if I can be honest you kinda come across as a little cold and stand offish in the way you have described the scenario. I know this was you just being defensive of yourself.

Heat_Wave

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Look he sounds immature but if I can be honest you kinda come across as a little cold and stand offish in the way you have described the scenario. I know this was you just being defensive of yourself.

Ah no, that's a fair observation. I guess I am trying to practice not caring, but of course I do. I'm all cried out wirelessdude

Regarding my communication with him, I was hardly going to beg as that would have done me no favours, hence my "do you want to call it a day?" comment.