Gf doesn't want anything to do with me

LegacyUser

Backstory: I'm with my gf for about a year. We're or we were madly in love. Planning our future together and getting on better than I ever have with any girl. She went through a rough patch earlier this year and I was right by her side throughout. Over the last month I've been suffering with depression again and things aren't going great for me at home. I'm 29 and I'm only home again because I can't afford to move out.

Anyways, I was out with friends on Friday night and she arrived late to join us. I'm always trying to be the perfect gentleman when it comes to her as I love her very much. She rang me when she was outside and I went out to meet her. We walked in together to the party and after about 15 minutes I went over to her while she was chatting with my friend. After about a minute she turns to me and says "are you not going to buy me a drink?". I thought she was just joking so I replied "you know where the bar is", jokingly. My friend joined in on the conversation and said "yea xxx go get her a drink" again jokingly. My gf didn't seem too impressed with me but I let it slide and bought her a drink.

At the end of the night when everyone left my gf turned to me and asked what was the story with me not buying her a drink. She has previously made remarks to me that really get me down and it felt like she was off again. I mean what difference did it make? I foot the bill around 75% of the time as it is. It's never bothered me but bringing this up again hurt me. We got in the car after and began arguing. She told me it was common courtesy to buy her a drink because I was a man. Then she asked how much I had to drink because I was getting angry. I had 4 pints, wasn't drunk, and had been in a fantastic mood until she brought this up the second time. I got out of the car, told her to go home, and left. She drove around and found me on the main Street and told me to get back in the car. I did and then she kept at me again so I got out once more. She followed me out and kept on at me to get back in the car even though i just wanted to leave. Eventually I got back in and she drove me to mine where we were meant to stay that night as we were going for a weekend away the following day which didn't happen. When we got to mine she brought up i lacked common courtesy again and I told her she was one to talk as she failed on a birthday promise to me months ago which meant so much to me.

The following days she called me ridiculous for allowing this to blow up as it did. I stated my case on how what she said hurt and how she knew how difficult things were at home for me and how I was always being put down by my family. She rang me but I didn't answer. She told me she wanted to crash her car on her way home from mine that night. I told her she shouldn't be with someone who makes her feel like that. She said it was just the situation. I told her how I was doing mentally and how I've been having bad thoughts for the last few weeks. She replied with a copy of paste of her work schedule and told me she could meet me in FOUR days time for tea. This hurt as she could have easily have met me sooner if I met more to her. I didn't really reply to that. But since then I've been trying to get in contact again and she keep ignoring my messages.

I don't know if I should feel like I'm in the wrong here or her. I'm really struggling here

Big Bag of Chips

Have you posted about her before? I remember something about a birthday promise from a while back.

She doesn't sound like a nice person. From your description it doesn't sound like she treats you very well. Why do you pay for things 75% of the time? You don't have to do anything 'because you're a man'.

Your mental health is fragile, and rather than supporting you, as a gf should, she's adding to your upset and telling you she can meet you in 4 days? That's not the actions of a caring partner. It doesn't matter how nice you are to her, it seems like she doesn't repay your kindness. In fact it seems the more you do for her, the more she expects and the less she respects you and your feelings.

osarusan

Hurtandsad wrote: »

She told me it was common courtesy to buy her a drink because I was a man.

Immediate red flag for me if anybody pulls this stunt with someone they have been together with for a year. It's a real cheap shot.

Sounds like she was pretty pissed off in general that night, and took it out on you, and you're still in the aftermath of that. OK, these things happen, people can have bad days, but I'd be more worried that she hasn't acknowledged that her behaviour was out of line. In fact she doubled down on it, saying it was you who had let it all blow up.

Until last Friday night, had this kind of stuff happened before? Or were things going pretty well?

Eric Cartman

When she asked you to get her a drink , was it clearly within earshot of that friend she was talking to ?

Not saying its definitely this, but Ive seen some women who can be a bit controlling do this before almost as such to demonstrate to the friend 'he's mine , he does what I say'

Its not a good sign

Sephiroth_dude

Well first off You pay for 75% of things ? that doesn't sound fair or like a equal relationship, her little tantrum in the pub would have put me off her completely, why couldn't she buy you a drink? I'd be staying well clear of her if I were you, sounds like she's just ignoring you now in the hope you go away.

valoren

She told me it was common courtesy to buy her a drink because I was a man.
Big red flag right there. An appalling sense of entitlement.

It sounds to me like she is testing you out, trying to gauge if you are a potential gullible doormat, someone who blindly does her bidding, tolerates her abuse. You aren't a doormat clearly from your account.

There was no need for her to bring up this 'common courtesy' a second time. Seemingly she saw you were enjoying yourself with friends and looked to sully it with something so bloody innocuous. Any perceived slight or insult becomes magnified with abusive people. You feel like you can never do right by them, you do something you didn't even know you did, you will always misstep. She looked to pounce on you for not buying her a drink, despite being an adult with her own money and your legitimate reply to her "knowing where the bar is" was perceived as an insult by her. Tellingly, she raised this after everyone else had left. Interestingly, she didn't chew you out while your friend was present. Funny that isn't it? That's a hallmark of an insecure, manipulative person. She picked her spot, not wanting to reveal to your friend how ridiculous it was for her to be expecting a drink bought or for prolonging a misunderstanding. When you made your point, understandably annoyed, she immediately looked to deflect and blame you questioning how much exactly you'd had to drink.
Ducking and weaving because you had the temerity to call her on her BS.

Subsequently, she keeps drawing up common courtesy. She is looking to project the blame for what she provoked onto you. It all becomes your fault despite her explicitly being the one who made such a mountain out of a molehill. As a coup de grace you even got the emotional blackmail angle that she wanted to crash the car that night despite knowing your state of mind. That clearly didn't help. All because you didn't buy a drink and had a problem with her causing a fuss? That's deranged. Again after the drama she created herself. Don't feel guilty about her saying this. She wants you to feel bad for her own **** stirring. Now she is giving you the silent treatment, more manipulation despite knowing you're not feeling the best mentally and you have done nothing wrong.

She has provided you with a blueprint for the future of an abusive relationship. I'd hazard a guess that she is one of the "I'll kill myself if you break up with me" types who say such a horrible thing to blackmail emotionally despite having zero plans to actually commit suicide.

Your future relationship will be one where she fully expects to be in control, where you are expected to provide 'common courtesy' to her ladyship and when you don't she will cause drama and she will explicitly blame you for causing the drama. When you argue your point, she will guilt trip you to make you feel bad and will then give you the silent treatment until you crawl back to get approval from her by apologizing for something you didn't even do.

Up to you OP if that's the kind of relationship you are okay with. I wouldn't respond to her. Expect a text such as 'Are you ok? x' in a few days which will be her trying to 'hoover' you back while the incident she created is intentionally ignored/brushed under the carpet. She has learned nothing. If you do get back again, expect more of the same behavior to play out in future but now you know what to expect. If something like this happens again then you're best off ending it.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there

At first I thought you were lacking basic manners, and it is basic manners if your gf is coming to meet you that you would offer her a drink. That goes for colleagues, mates, and any other human you invite to the pub. Get your round in.

Until I read the rest of your message.

There is a cohort of people out there that are al la carte feminists. They want things bought when it suits them. In your case 75% of the time.

This girl is drama and hard work. Your gf should be your best mate. If she is not get another gf.

Ursus Horribilis

I wish she'd keep ignoring your messages and break up with you while she's at it. It saddens me when I read threads here from nice people who fall in love with someone horrible, then get broken by them.

It's inevitable that she'll come back when she thinks she has punished you enough and you'll take her back. Something tells me you have no intention of taking the advice given here and that you'll persist with this "relationship" even though she's cruel and makes you feel like crap. You deserve better and you should break up with her. But you won't, will you?

Big Bag of Chips

Have a look at this OP.

http://www.amen.ie/recognise-signs-domestic-abuse/

It might give you food for thought.

And it might make you realise that you are not in a normal, typical relationship with a normal typical woman.

There are women out there who will not treat you and behave like she does.

Purple Mountain

That's way too much drama and silly games.
And she's not exactly young to be carrying on like an immature girl.
Why would you bother?

Ursus Horribilis

Have you struggled to form relationships in the past? You come across as someone who's grateful that a woman is willing to date you. This is not a relationship of equals. Your purpose in this is to be her underling, the person she can treat like crap but will not walk away. If your parents read this thread, what do you think they'd make of it?

tara73

what a headwreck.

in which decade does she live saying a man should buy women the drinks. the other behaviour is also awful.

you don't need this, nobody needs this or could stand it.

don't get in contact anymore, but be prepared she will again when she feels like. Tell her unmistakably it's over. Be prepared she will throw drama again with worst case threatening suicide. tell her to contact her relatives with it, you want nothing to do with her anymore.

be strong here, you sound like a nice guy and you have enough on your plate dealing with you disrespectful familymembers.

gossamer

You need to keep your feelings to yourself for the time being. I wouldn't be telling her that she hurt you. Don't contact her while she's off sulking. She'll come around again no doubt. And when she does, you need to set some boundaries in place and be firm with her. Don't be dealing in the manner of feelings, be rational.
You don't want to be treated like sh1te or be at the mercy of her moods.

You seem like a decent fella, but I've seen similar relationships play out first hand and it does get nasty. She's goading you with the 'be a man and buy me a drink'. And it just seems, in a way, she wants you take on a more masculine role in the relationship. Even from the way you write, you're very much in your feelings. Which is fine, but can be a recipe for disaster with certain personalities, especially someone who's that bit more dominant. Well that's my reading of it anyway. Others would just call her a cnut, and maybe they're right.

dudara

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

There is a cohort of people out there that are al la carte feminists. They want things bought when it suits them. .

@Mr. Incognito - There is no need to bring your opinion of feminism into this discussion. Please do not do so again.

dudara

Knine

How many drinks does she normally have when driving?

Kidchameleon

OP you need to grow a pair. This relationship should be over. Stop texting her and move on with your life. Block her number. I know you "love" her and need her and she is the one but she does not love you. Judge people by their actions.

Porklife

Knine wrote: »

How many drinks does she normally have when driving?

She could have been asking for a lemonade in fairness and even if it was a beer it's completely irrelevant to the OPs issue. You're just adding an extra layer of unnecessary complexity. The OP didn't query her drinking or drink driving.

OP.. she sounds very manipulative and unsupportive. Your partner should make you feel adored and loved. Ignoring you and making crazy claims about wanting to crash her car, especially knowing your fragile state of mind, is controlling and unkind.

I won't repeat the advice already given but I agree with it all.

You need to seriously reconsider this relationship.

Paddy Cow

Hurtandsad wrote: »

....Over the last month I've been suffering with depression again and things aren't going great for me at home. I'm 29 and I'm only home again because I can't afford to move out.....

....I'm always trying to be the perfect gentleman when it comes to her as I love her very much.....

......I let it slide and bought her a drink......

......She has previously made remarks to me that really get me down and it felt like she was off again......

......I foot the bill around 75% of the time as it is. It's never bothered me but bringing this up again hurt me.....

.....She told me it was common courtesy to buy her a drink because I was a man.....

.....Then she asked how much I had to drink because I was getting angry.....

*Getting in/out of the car drama*

.....When we got to mine she brought up i lacked common courtesy again and I told her she was one to talk as she failed on a birthday promise to me months ago which meant so much to me.....

.....she called me ridiculous for allowing this to blow up as it did.....

.....she wanted to crash her car on her way home from mine that night.....

.....She replied with a copy of paste of her work schedule and told me she could meet me in FOUR days time for tea.....

.....I didn't really reply to that. But since then I've been trying to get in contact again and she keep ignoring my messages.....

I don't know if I should feel like I'm in the wrong here or her. I'm really struggling here

Op there are so many red flags in this post I didn't even know where to begin, so I've highlighted the most important things as best I can. I don't mean any disrespect but I think you are suffering from self esteem issues, on top of your depression and you are putting up with bullsh!t that most people wouldn't even entertain. You say that you try to be the perfect gentleman and I don't doubt this but your efforts are not being reciprocated. She is not acting like a lady. She is not even acting like a loving girlfriend.

I hate to break it to you but there are women out there who target "nice" men and use them for drinks/materialistic things/emotional support etc and when their boyfriend needs the same, they don't give two sh!ts. My brother dated such a woman. He got up early to drive her to work, bought her expensive gifts, did everything for her and got very little in return. We could all see she was using him but it took him two years to realise it himself. Of course it can go the other way and men do take advantage of women but you don't sound like that type of guy.

In this day and age common courtesy is about holding doors open for people. I think it's lovely on a date when a guy opens the door for me. I don't expect him to pay for me. Common courtesy is free, meals and drinks are not. Especially a year into a relationship. No one expects the calculators to be pulled out but it gets to the stage where one pays one night and the other pays another night. You should not be paying or be expected to pay 75% of the time.

You sound like someone who would take care of their partner and be there for them, financially and emotionally. You deserve to be with someone who has the same values. Your girlfriend doesn't and honestly, if you persist with this one sided "relationship", there is the risk that her behaviour, on top of your low self esteem, will leave you with long term emotional and trust issues.

I'm bolding this bit because I hope it really sinks in with you- You shouldn't feel like you are in the wrong, because you aren't. If your account is true, then her behaviour is abusive and you deserve more than that. You are struggling because the rational part of your brain knows you are right but the emotional part, which is misguided because of low self esteem, is telling you that you just need to be a better boyfriend/be more understanding/she will change. Listen to your head. You cannot change her. You can only work on yourself and when you are confident you will attract a woman who is going to treat you with the respect you deserve. With the right woman you won't have to try to be the perfect gentleman, to her you will already be that.

Graham_B18C

I'm taking this a bit different than most here. Your girlfriend showed up to a night out that you were on. She drove to this occasion and the plan was for her to drive you both back to yours at the end of the night. So she had to stay sober all night.

You should have gotten her a lemonade or whatever it was when she arrived. It's not that demanding or expecting that she assumed you'd buy her a drink, she is driving you home after all.

Getting out of the car twice sounds like a drunken strop to me too tbh. I can't see anything wrong with her asking how much you've drank after doing this.

I understand that you're having a bad month but I don't think this girl is all bad

Paddy Cow

Graham_B18C wrote: »

I'm taking this a bit different than most here. Your girlfriend showed up to a night out that you were on. She drove to this occasion and the plan was for her to drive you both back to yours at the end of the night. So she had to stay sober all night.

You should have gotten her a lemonade or whatever it was when she arrived. It's not that demanding or expecting that she assumed you'd buy her a drink, she is driving you home after all.

Getting out of the car twice sounds like a drunken strop to me too tbh. I can't see anything wrong with her asking how much you've drank after doing this.

I understand that you're having a bad month but I don't think this girl is all bad

The op hasn't been back to clear this up (and they don't have to) but generally when someone says in a night club/bar "are you going to buy me a drink?", they mean an alcoholic drink and not a lemonade.

Ursus Horribilis

If the girlfriend was all bad, he'd not be with her. But there are so many red flags here, he'd be a foolish man to ignore them.

Graham_B18C

Paddy Cow wrote: »

The op hasn't been back to clear this up (and they don't have to) but generally when someone says in a night club/bar "are you going to buy me a drink?", they mean an alcoholic drink and not a lemonade.

I've been to plenty of pubs and clubs. Obviously it usually does. But the girl was driving, he knew she was driving so it's fairly safe to assume she was looking for a lemonade.

Even if she was looking for one beer, he should have bought it for the lift he was getting

c.p.w.g.w

There seems to be an accepted practice amongst a certain percentage of women that the man pays for them. It's a dated ideal and should be left behind with different pay-rates based on gender.

A colleague of mine is of the opinion that a real man will pay for her, wine & dine her and lavish gifts upon her. Her idea of treating a women well is basically the man paying her way.

And a real man wouldn't borrow money from a woman, but it's ok for a woman to borrow from the man...

It's no wonder she's single.

Kidchameleon

Graham_B18C wrote: »

You should have gotten her a lemonade or whatever it was when she arrived. It's not that demanding or expecting that she assumed you'd buy her a drink, she is driving you home after all.

No his girlfriend said he should do it because "he was a man", she showed her cards. It was a chivalry issue. If a woman told me to buy her a drink because I was a man, she would be dumped by the time she finished the sentence. Welcome to 2018 and thank you feminism!

Wildly Boaring

Paddy Cow wrote: »

The op hasn't been back to clear this up (and they don't have to) but generally when someone says in a night club/bar "are you going to buy me a drink?", they mean an alcoholic drink and not a lemonade.

But I would agree with previous poster. In that it does actually matter.

If she was desigate dessie and staying sober to drive him home for instance that would put a different spin on it for me.

I have had work drinks waaaaaay too far from home for taxi. Missus would deffo expect any lemonade to be on the driver. And I would agree.

No time for drink drivers

Johnnyhpipe

If I’ve learned anything about women/relationships in my time....a massive row over a drink (or anything else of that magnitude) has nothing to do with the drink. There’s generally an underlying resentment on one side which spills out of the furiously bubbling pot... I don’t have an answer for you other than to communicate - but it took me nearly 40 years to figure that **** out!

Paddy Cow

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

But I would agree with previous poster. In that it does actually matter.

If she was desigate dessie and staying sober to drive him home for instance that would put a different spin on it for me.

I have had work drinks waaaaaay too far from home for taxi. Missus would deffo expect any lemonade to be on the driver. And I would agree.

No time for drink drivers

Whether it was an alcoholic/non alcoholic drink, she expected him to pay because he is the man, not because she was the designated driver. He was out with his friends and she turned up late. Maybe it wasn't planned and she wasn't expected to be the DD, it just happened that way. We don't know the nitty gritty details. All we know is she expects him to pay as he's the man. And that's bull in this day and age. Women are well able to work and pay for their own drinks.

TheBoyConor

She sounds like a selfish self entitled drama queen who is trying you to see how far she can push you..

Don't stand for it.

Tell her she is done and not to contact you anymore.

If she threatens or hints at suicide then block her and tell her parents she has stated her suicidal ideation to you. They will deal with her and she'll get unreal embarrassed when her parents get on to her over it..

Either way, she sounds like a pure bitch and not someone you should be getting invoiced with.. Sure look at the drama she has caused you.

LegacyUser

Hang on you might pay for stuff 75% of the time but is she usually ferrying you around, not drinking alcohol and getting you both home? 75% of someone’s non alcoholic night out is hardly breaking the bank. Is she the only one that drives? Because if so her costs are potentially higher. I’m with both her and her friend on the fact you should have brought her a drink if she wasn’t drinking AND bringing you home. That IS common courtesy irrespective of gender. Your answer was childish and rude plus you disrespected her in front of her friend.

And as for the poster that said call her parents and tell them she’s suicidal and call her bluff ffs maybe just look at the fact you’re making someone your meant to love feel like sh*te because you interrupted a situation differently and made a show of her in front of mates.

leggo

I hate the trend in here towards calling a relationship abusive and the first sign of poor form lately, but this is one of those situations where the OP needs to be shaken up because they've vented and all it's revealed is a lot of red flags that he's putting up with daily. Again, it's more poor form than abusive, but there are signs of laying the foundations for potential future abuse. There's berating you in front of mates, asking you to conform to something you're not particularly comfortable with that isn't necessarily a given, then gaslighting you and acting like it is, then forcing you to sit in the car and be berated at her mercy, then coaxing you back into the car with niceness only to berate you again once you complied, then there's leaving you high and dry at Christmas when I've zero doubt that this isn't the end of it and she'll be back, so this is all a punishment to get you in line with how she wants you to behave.

Is this what you want from a partner OP? Because it's the reality of what you're getting. At the very least, it needs to be stamped out hard by you putting your foot down and not coming back unless this is agreed upon. But you'd also be well within your rights to just walk and start again with someone this isn't normal with.

Big Bag of Chips

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

a massive row over a drink (or anything else of that magnitude) has nothing to do with the drink.

This. This by a thousand.

I think focusing on the drink (her making it about the drink and you taking that on board) is missing the point completely. This row escalated far beyond a drink. You are the one in the relationship with her. You are the one who recognises the nuances of her behaviour and tone. You are the one who knows her and her reactions better than anyone here. On the surface people can say you should have bought her a drink and none of this would have happened.

But, if it wasn't the drink it would have been something else.

She seems very quick to point out your faults. Fair enough, we all have them. I wonder though if you pointed out to her that you felt she could have communicated her upset/annoyance to you better, and maybe not in front of your friends how that would go down? Would she take that on board? Would she be likely to self reflect and admit that she acted out of annoyance and apologise? Or would she definitely not have any fault and be able to turn it all around on you?

In couples, one person is rarely 100% wrong, all the time. If you find yourself being told that you are 100% wrong, always, then it's time to find someone you're more compatible with. If everything about you needs changing in her eyes, then she needs to be with someone different. Not try to turn you from the person you are, into the person she thinks you should be.

Kidchameleon

Notauser18 wrote: »

Hang on you might pay for stuff 75% of the time but is she usually ferrying you around, not drinking alcohol and getting you both home? 75% of someone’s non alcoholic night out is hardly breaking the bank. Is she the only one that drives? Because if so her costs are potentially higher. I’m with both her and her friend on the fact you should have brought her a drink if she wasn’t drinking AND bringing you home. That IS common courtesy irrespective of gender. Your answer was childish and rude plus you disrespected her in front of her friend.

No this is wrong, read the OP again...

Hurtandsad wrote: »

She told me it was common courtesy to buy her a drink because I was a man.

Ursus Horribilis

.. she brought up I lacked common courtesy again and I told her she was one to talk as she failed on a birthday promise to me months ago which meant so much to me.

I told her how I was doing mentally and how I've been having bad thoughts for the last few weeks. She replied with a copy of paste of her work schedule and told me she could meet me in FOUR days time for tea

I've a feeling we're all posting into an empty void here because the OP hasn't come back. But these jumped out at me. Did she ever apologise or explain why she didn't come through with this birthday promise? Did she even get you anything for your birthday?

Telling you she could see you in 4 days time is downright cruel. Where's the kindness and compassion in this woman?

It also occurred to me when re-reading this that both of you have mental health troubles. Is there some sort of co-dependency thing going on here?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I've been reading each of your replies. Thank you for replying.

We broke up not long after I posted this.

zapper55

I know it wont feel like this now but you deserve far better. This is the beginning of a new better start. I hope you have a relaxing peaceful Christmas.

Sephiroth_dude

Hurtandsad wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I've been reading each of your replies. Thank you for replying.

We broke up not long after I posted this.

It was for the best, you deserve far better, your relationship was not healthy.

Kidchameleon

Hurtandsad wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I've been reading each of your replies. Thank you for replying.

We broke up not long after I posted this.

Op your the type of guy who would take her back. Trust me, dont.