Got myself in a bind

LegacyUser

Right, where to start. Entering my late 40's so probably classic mid life crisis territory. Married over 20 years, never been unhappy or even contemplated cheating. We both made a mutual friend about three years ago and I'll readily admit that she was/is strikingly beautiful, so much so I was struck dumb and fumbled around her like a teenager when we first got to know her.
I will admit that I would, well fantasise about her, but I copped on and we became very good friends. Today I would probably be a better friend to her than my wife as we have similar interests, movies, books and humour.
To be quite frank bar my imagination, we could never be an 'item' apart from the whole me been married (she's separated) but she is way out of my league, so much so her beauty no longer intimidates me (if that makes sense).
We would meet a couple of times a week for a chat and regularly my wife and I would meet up with her along with other friends.
Lately I've noticed a change in our dynamic, I don't flirt, never have (can't), so much so my wife used to slag me about it. Her messages to me have become more personal, to the point that I deleted one in case my wife ever saw it (nothing overt, just got rid of it). Now I always saw us as friends, men and women can be friends (can't they) and so never honestly imagined us together. OK the fantasy might intrude into reality but I'd say "cop on you gob****e look at her".
Now I'm not about to risk a happy marriage for what is more than likely my imagination running wild and so don't worry I won't be doing a schoolboy lean in to kiss her. Thing is I want to keep her as a friend and I think I've been a good friend to her, I've allowed her to vent and listened to her.
I'm probably about to answer my own query, but is it possible to remain friends without, well crossing from friendship to.... Can a male and female friend love each other as friends, without complications?
I have found myself wondering if she leaned in to kiss me, would I refuse? You see there I go, I have allowed her attractiveness and our friendship to make me jump from A to strolls on the beach. I reckon I'm afraid that I can't just be friends because as you can see above, I've imagined her leaning in...christ you would think a man my age would not be "wow pretty lady show interest, must drag her back to cave".
Now having read my post I know I've probably crossed that emotional line myself but don't we all have that fantasy that, well, keeps us young, alive, vital. I know I'm being foolish in thinking an attractive woman could find me attractive, so that knowledge should allow me to continue our friendship, shouldn't it.
So big question, has my male stupidity and the realisation that I'm never at my age, going to..what..make a woman stop and stare (god that makes me feel quite sad). Crap this has turned into a self counselling session. Stopped me from continuing to be her friend.
Big can of worms opened up, I love my wife and I hope we are still attractive to each other but she does not look like..god that's a horrible thing to say, man I'm a pig on reading that again but I can't delete it because I want to be reminded of just how ****ty a thing it is to think. If I'm honest I know deep down that my friend would never, see me in that way, her messages are just friendly and I just add 2 and 2 and get 400.
Bloody hell 2hrs to get to this point. I don't think I'm in love with my friend, I love her as a friend, that is possible isn't it. I think she reminds me of what was possible when we were young, everything was possible then. Now however..I see my 50's and what? Yep, mid life something or other.
I'm in no way religious and I've always thought we have..this..nothing else and happiness in any form is what we should look for. I'm rambling now.
I don't want to give up the friendship over my..what..male stupidity/ego but is it possible to continue?

Ok, in reading and rereading this, I know I can't remain friends or as friendly. I'm posting it so I can reread and think about things and be rightly embarrassed about thinking my wife is not attractive, she is and I do love her. I don't know what I expected to get from doing this, but it has been a learning experience. I suppose we all (my age) go through..periods of..what, self loathing, feeling inadequate. I so feel sorry for the youth of today, the pressures to look good, jobs, homes and here I am feeling sorry for myself that I've had a good life but..

For those who have read this far my apologies, it has turned into me just posting something I probably needed to think about, Xmas does strange things to people (well me anyway).

Dalomanakora

O think it's actually quite brave that you've posted this, because a lot of people would slate you for what you've said about your wife.


You have a crush on this lady, and you've already crossed the emotional line. The next line is physical. And it's not worth throwing away your marriage.


It's certainly possible to have opposite sex friends, but this isn't entirely a friendship and for that reason, you need to back away.


This woman is beautiful, so what? You probably thought your wife was beautiful too, no?

Aside from taking a massive step back from this lady, you need to invest more time in your wife. Take her out. Dress up, go for dates, reignite the spark and remember why you fell in love.


You've caught your infatuation in time to fix it. Now you need to choose to fix it.

Finchie1276

Three phases in life -
1. Who will I be ?
2. Who am I ?
3. Who was I?

You are in phase 2 - but phase 1 is gone and phase 3 rears it's ugly head. It takes years to phase from one stage to next so this is normal.
You are thinking if you are attractive, sexual, is it ok to be comfortable with my wife, am I really this person, is this it? All normal stuff. Not fun tho, but that said you will work through it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Listen this will all end in tears, I'm a happily married man for the guts of 20 years, then suddenly a seperated attractive woman came into my life. I was flattered to say the least. Then the texting, me being her friend etc.....

Take a step back, she's not going to run off into the sunset with you. If anything she probably has a few men on the go at the one time ( I don't mean sexually) it's just something that men and women do when they're in a relationship breakdown, it's like a blanket, who else can love me? Type of situation.

LegacyUser

Man, she's playing you.
As a separated woman herself, don't you think she knows& recognises how challenging marriage is? The weak points there are, the seven year itch, the grass is greener syndrome?
As a beautiful woman, don't you think she's well used to having men at her beck& call? Toying, flirting, fancying?
So what must her life be like right now in this equation. Separated. Aging. Lonely.
& she's reaching out to you, for you.
& it's so easy, because you're at a weak point too. (Flattered, a bit bored with the familiarity of routine)
She has crossed a line with the text you had to delete because you deemed it inappropriate& disrespectful to your wife. Trust your gut instinct. Delete this "friend"& her predator behaviour. Be the man of your own dreams, not hers. 20 years- now that's an achievement, that's winning at life. & that's worth protecting at any cost.

LegacyUser

OK, so how do I feel this morning. Yep, I agree, step back and return to my 'life'. I've a work calendar that means I know for the next two years what shift I'll be on and what days I'll be off. Another 7 years and I'll be living the dream, good for me.

Big Bag of Chips

What do you mean by your last post? What are you looking for from life? You do know that life is mundane and routine and not particularly exciting, for everyone. The mundane and routine IS life. Occasionally there's flashes of something interesting or exciting.

You obviously love your wife. Remember that. You can have the fantasy of strolls on the beach with this one, but don't let the fantasy take hold. You risk ruining what seems like a good marriage for the fantasy of something exciting and brilliant. But you need to realise that this excitement and brilliance would be short lived and you'd still be looking at your 2 year work schedule and going through the mundane of the day.

There's nothing wrong with imagining being with this woman. It's probably a fairly common fantasy people in longterm relationships have. There might be someone in your wife's life who she imagines romantic strolls with. It doesn't mean she would seriously consider leaving her marriage for that life.

Dalomanakora

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

OK, so how do I feel this morning. Yep, I agree, step back and return to my 'life'. I've a work calendar that means I know for the next two years what shift I'll be on and what days I'll be off. Another 7 years and I'll be living the dream, good for me.

So you're bored with your life and work?


How would shacking up with another woman help that?


You'd have excitement for a little while til the honeymoon phase ends, then back to the mundane, boring, regular life routine. It certainly won't change your job either.



If you're unhappy with your life situation,change it. This woman isn't going to fix everything.

Hannibal_Smith

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

OK, so how do I feel this morning. Yep, I agree, step back and return to my 'life'. I've a work calendar that means I know for the next two years what shift I'll be on and what days I'll be off. Another 7 years and I'll be living the dream, good for me.

Do you not think maybe this is why you are going through all this? The fantasy in your head is taking you away from the monotony of life? But the reality wouldn't. The reality would be pain and heartache all round.

Life can be very routine. But you can look at that and try and change your routine where you can and enjoy time with your wife and family.

Instead of allowing the boredom to blow the fantasy out of proportion, put a pin in it and try and change the reality for the better.

LegacyUser

OP, say you leave your wife to be with this woman. You do realise that the daily, boring routine would set in with her too? That's life, you see. It's dull and boring and there's a lot of routine! People do the same thing pretty much every day, even down to the route they take to and from work, the time they get up and go to sleep, the time they eat etc - it's all routine.

Close off the friendship with this woman. I wouldn't even fantasize about her as it sounds like you're the type of person who could let the fantasy take over and end up acting on it. Focus on your wife instead. Life is boring, okay, what can you do with your wife that brings some excitement and adventure back to the marriage? Focus on that and cop on with the starry eyed teenager nonsense. Because destroying your marriage for Ms Gorgeous will bring reality crashing down on your head and that reality is grim!

RebelButtMunch

Flattery from a younger vibrant lady; the nemesis of middle aged men's sanity.

Green&Red

You’re wife sounds class, she has no hang ups about you being friends with this beautiful woman. That’s a hard thing to find, someone who won’t be jealous

What everyone has said is true and you know it. Part of your message seems to be convincing yourself that she could never fancy you but that has **** all to do with it. She might fancy you but you can be absolutely certain that in two years time you’ll be on your own wondering why you threw away a perfect marriage

nthclare

One man's flight of fantasy, is another man's highway to hell....

Intrigue lust and desire has broken up a lot of marriage's and relationships.

Some people are better off being single and having casual relationship's

Society frowns upon it, brings shame and remorse to men and women who act out on their natural instincts, but yet they hide away in marriages and relationships because it's supposed to be abnormal to have lot's of flings and sexual encounters....

A female friend of mine was suicidal because she couldn't last more than a few months with someone, it took a lot of therapy for her to conclude she's a woman who likes men and cannot commit for now.

She's a great person all round.

professore

Green&Red wrote: »

You’re wife sounds class, she has no hang ups about you being friends with this beautiful woman. That’s a hard thing to find, someone who won’t be jealous

The fact she is not jealous means there are three possibilities:

1. She doesn't think in her wildest dreams that this woman would fancy her middle aged boring husband.
2. She doesn't realise her middle aged boring husband might have a spark in him to go after another woman.
3. She doesn't love the OP and is fantasising about the young guy next door.

Trust me, ALL women (and men) are jealous if they see reciprocated attraction between their spouse and someone else, if they care about their spouse, and sometimes even if they don't care.

What is your relationship with your wife like, OP? Nothing to get a woman's juices flowing than a bit of competition. Works wonders in the bedroom :cool: Your wife might surprise you ... there's a reason 50 shades does so well with her demographic.

And try making your life more exciting. Get a motorbike. Go skydiving. Whatever it is just do it. Your kids are older, enjoy life !!! I'm in the same age bracket as you and I know I am.

professore

nthclare wrote: »

One man's flight of fantasy, is another man's highway to hell....

Intrigue lust and desire has broken up a lot of marriage's and relationships.

Some people are better off being single and having casual relationship's

Society frowns upon it, brings shame and remorse to men and women who act out on their natural instincts, but yet they hide away in marriages and relationships because it's supposed to be abnormal to have lot's of flings and sexual encounters....

A female friend of mine was suicidal because she couldn't last more than a few months with someone, it took a lot of therapy for her to conclude she's a woman who likes men and cannot commit for now.

She's a great person all round.

That's grand for her, and more power to her, but if you have a husband/wife and a couple of kids to support and take care of, you can't be out riding or bringing home weird men/women to your kids every night of the week.

Let's be honest here, pretty much any long term married person would love to have a few flings on the side if they could get away with it, and didn't have any moral compass. That's why you make public vows of fidelity during a marriage ceremony. It's meant to be hard (no pun intended)

Big Bag of Chips

Or.... Option 4

She loves her husband and trusts him enough to think that even though he's not blind their solid marriage isn't based solely on their physical appearances and means more to him than to have his head turned by good looks?

You have a very low opinion of women in general, professore.

OP, whether or not you can remain friends with this woman is completely down to you. But if you find that she is sending texts that you feel you need to hide from your wife it might be time to put a boundary in place. She's single, probably enjoying her freedom. But she, if she truly is a good friend, needs respect her friends' marriage. If she doesn't, then you need to look at that friendship and see what she's getting from it, and what it's costing you.

Dial Hard

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Or.... Option 4

She loves her husband and trusts him enough to think that even though he's not blind their solid marriage isn't based solely on their physical appearances and means more to him than to have his head turned by good looks?

I was just about to post this very thing. Option 4 is why I didn't worry about my then husband's friendship with his now wife. I loved him, I trusted him and I thought we were rock solid.

LegacyUser

Crikey, boring, ok I'll take that. Last most people the boring and mundane is life, I work and to be honest any aspirations to sky dive or buy a motorbike is pie in the sky.
I've enough cop on to realise that life is not some hollywood movie where the ordinary bloke ends up with the leading lady but it's nice to occasionally think it might be you. I can see the thinking, no fool like an old fool.
Posting here has been quite cathartic in allowing me to look from the outside in, I suppose I always knew myself that I was allowing myself to fantasise and probably end up looking foolish. I can just hear her "what, you thought you and me.." or worse.
I think I will leave it at that because the more I think the more depressed I make myself, it's Christmas and I'll have a good one compared to so many.
To those who replied thank you, I'll back away and come the new year concentrate on the Dublin marathon and learn to juggle fire for excitement.

LegacyUser

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

Crikey, boring, ok I'll take that. Last most people the boring and mundane is life, I work and to be honest any aspirations to sky dive or buy a motorbike is pie in the sky.
I've enough cop on to realise that life is not some hollywood movie where the ordinary bloke ends up with the leading lady but it's nice to occasionally think it might be you. I can see the thinking, no fool like an old fool.
Posting here has been quite cathartic in allowing me to look from the outside in, I suppose I always knew myself that I was allowing myself to fantasise and probably end up looking foolish. I can just hear her "what, you thought you and me.." or worse.
I think I will leave it at that because the more I think the more depressed I make myself, it's Christmas and I'll have a good one compared to so many.
To those who replied thank you, I'll back away and come the new year concentrate on the Dublin marathon and learn to juggle fire for excitement.

You're throwing yourself quite the pity party, aren't you. It has nothing to do with looks for God's sake! It has to do with your wife, remember her? And your marriage, remember that commitment?

If you are genuinely unhappy in your marriage then take steps to fix that. Whether that's counselling, speaking to your wife about how you feel and that you both need to make more of an effort to get back the spark, or realising that there is nothing left in the marriage and ending it. But you do all those things without that other woman.

Unhappy in your job? Change it! Do something else. You are responsible for your happiness, OP. You are responsible for how good or bad or boring your life is. Change what you can change to make it better if you want more excitement. But again, leave this other woman out of it. You're not going to find your happiness through her.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your head straight.

MidLifeSomething

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

Crikey, boring, ok I'll take that. Last most people the boring and mundane is life, I work and to be honest any aspirations to sky dive or buy a motorbike is pie in the sky.
I've enough cop on to realise that life is not some hollywood movie where the ordinary bloke ends up with the leading lady but it's nice to occasionally think it might be you. I can see the thinking, no fool like an old fool.
Posting here has been quite cathartic in allowing me to look from the outside in, I suppose I always knew myself that I was allowing myself to fantasise and probably end up looking foolish. I can just hear her "what, you thought you and me.." or worse.
I think I will leave it at that because the more I think the more depressed I make myself, it's Christmas and I'll have a good one compared to so many.
To those who replied thank you, I'll back away and come the new year concentrate on the Dublin marathon and learn to juggle fire for excitement.

If nothing else, you need to work on your own confidence I think.

It's one thing to be realistic, it's another to be wishing your life away.

dellas1979

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

any aspirations to sky dive or buy a motorbike is pie in the sky.

Go on, give us the excuses why you cant do those things - things that would make you happy.

nthclare

professore wrote: »

That's grand for her, and more power to her, but if you have a husband/wife and a couple of kids to support and take care of, you can't be out riding or bringing home weird men/women to your kids every night of the week.

Let's be honest here, pretty much any long term married person would love to have a few flings on the side if they could get away with it, and didn't have any moral compass. That's why you make public vows of fidelity during a marriage ceremony. It's meant to be hard (no pun intended)

Is it really meant to be hard ?

I appreciate your response.
It's​only hard if you're both not putting the work in.

Ursus Horribilis

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

To those who replied thank you, I'll back away and come the new year concentrate on the Dublin marathon and learn to juggle fire for excitement.

How about doing something about your marriage? The one you'd be breaking up if your lady friend decided to lean in and kiss you and and and.... You've got a tendency to disguise things with flippant comments, I've noticed. Getting fitter and juggling fire (joke?) aren't going to solve your problems here. Have you any plans to put the spark back into your marriage and take steps to get yourself out of the rut you've found yourself in? And no, that doesn't mean buying a superfast motorbike or taking up skydiving.

professore

nthclare wrote: »

Is it really meant to be hard ?

I appreciate your response.
It's​only hard if you're both not putting the work in.

Well it isn't easy at times. Married over 20 years myself.

professore

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Or.... Option 4

She loves her husband and trusts him enough to think that even though he's not blind their solid marriage isn't based solely on their physical appearances and means more to him than to have his head turned by good looks?

I guess that's a possibility. The OP doesn't talk much about his wife. This would suggest his marriage isn't as solid as his wife might think.

You have a very low opinion of women in general, professore.

Human nature and long years of experience will do that to you. And its not just women, men too, but in different ways.

Big Bag of Chips

professore wrote: »

I guess that's a possibility. The OP doesn't talk much about his wife. This would suggest his marriage isn't as solid as his wife might think..

Well, he posted all this in his OP

MidLifeSomething wrote: »

Married over 20 years, never been unhappy or even contemplated cheating.


Her messages to me have become more personal, to the point that I deleted one in case my wife ever saw it (nothing overt, just got rid of it).


Now I'm not about to risk a happy marriage for what is more than likely my imagination running wild


I love my wife and I hope we are still attractive to each other but she does not look like..god that's a horrible thing to say,


I'm posting it so I can reread and think about things and be rightly embarrassed about thinking my wife is not attractive, she is and I do love her.

He's the one posting, he's the one with a roving eye, he's the one letting his imagination run away with him, he's the one talking about how attractive this woman is compared to his wife and yet with your options you have managed to find a way to blame his wife, for this? I think the options you outlined are fairly on the money.. from His side. He doesn't think anyone could be attracted to his frumpy wife. He doesn't think his wife could have a spark in her. He doesn't love her and is fantasising about the hot neighbour. She may not know he's feeling any of the above, simply because she thinks their marriage is based on more than physical attraction after 20 years. She's not blind herself. I'm sure she too has noticed how beautiful this woman is. So is not outrageous to think she might know her husband might also have noticed. Just because a beautiful woman is in the vicinity it doesn't mean that unless a wife gets jealous and territorial that she obviously doesn't care about her husband or marriage. I'm not gorgeous. There are gorgeous people around us everyday. I would be exhausted if I felt the need to somehow constantly compete and fluff my feathers around my husband to keep him interested and to warn off any competition. I HAVE TO trust that my husband won't stray. Me trusting him doesn't mean that he definitely won't, but I have to trust him. Same as he has to trust me.

OP, I don't get the impression from your post that professore does, but please don't fall into the trap of somehow pinning the blame for your weakness on your wife. That is a slippery slope to a handy (baseless) excuse to check out of your marriage. There is no harm in having these little fantasies and imagining how life might be different if everything was different. I occasionally fantasise about being married to David Beckham.. I don't even particularly fancy him! I just imagine how beautiful, and tidy my house would be because I could afford to have it beautiful and tidy! I often wonder would I have to push a trolley around a supermarket, or would someone else do that for me (I can't imagine Victoria tottering around Aldi!).

Imagining a different life isn't unusual. But letting it take hold to the point you risk a perfectly good stable life and risk ruining the lives of so many for a brief moment of escapism is where it gets dangerous. And that's where you need to rein yourself in.

Goodigal

My DH had his midlife crisis at 42 where he got with a woman from work and they produced a child. But they're not a couple. Hence destroying two families and leaving children without a dad at home. He now lives in a shared house, works 2 jobs to pay his way and has not got the best of relationships with his children. All for what? A dangerous but exciting period of his life where he wanted to escape mundane life? I always trusted my husband but now realise I was naive to do so. Imagine how hurt your wife would be if she realised you were capable of doing this to her. Don't destroy your marriage for the sake of crossing a line with this attractive woman. Your wife deserves more than that. Step away now.

nthclare

Walking away is the best thing, sexual nature is good but when it's overpowering it can be dangerous.

Lust is very powerful, it can drive a man or a woman to drive from one side of the country to the other just for a moment of pleasure.

Sex addiction is creating havoc's with people's perceptions of what's healthy and unhealthy.

Maybe the op should talk to a professional or something,as this won't go away.

Keep feeding the monster and it'll get bigger and bigger.

Many a man and woman threw everything away for a thrilling inuendo.

Maybe the OP should consider his relationship with his wife, he could be better off single.

Break up amicably, and he's free to do as he chooses.
But there's no point in hurting everyone over a quick lay.

I never got married myself, and no intentions of either.
Just happy out with my son, extended family and friends.
I can go fishing, surfing hillwalking dating if I want.
Have a big house, shed, tools, and a nice car.

I worked hard for it, I'm not cut out for marriage.

Some men and women prefer to be single and fancy free and single.

MiliMe

I was in a similar position a few years ago, tho i was the friend (prob not quite as beautiful as the OPs).
We were friends before he met his then girlfriend and we were really very close. I had no interest in him although one night he tried to kiss me when we were out together. It didnt happen and we never spoke about it again afterwards, things carried on as normal.
When he started seeing a girl he never told me, tho i knew there was something going on from his new behaviour. Anyway, they were together for almost a year and she ended up breaking up with him because of him relationship with me.
I really didn't realise i was an issue to her.
He decided that his relationship with her was more important to him than ours and took a step back from me, they ended up back together and happily married with 3 kids 10 years later. We are still friends but not nearly as close as we were but I am thrilled for him to have his family.

OP, you need to decide what is important to you, hopefully that is your wife and your marriage, and take a huge step back from this lady. You can still be friends but if you have feelings for her you need to back away significantly.

LegacyUser

"pity party", really? and how the f**k did I call my wife ugly. I said she didn't look as attractive as my friend, yes not a nice thing to say; but that's not calling her ugly.
I'm not a bad person, yet I'm a prick because I enjoy the company of my friend. I realise we're not going to be star crossed lovers but do you know what, I like to see her smile and hear her laugh because I've made her laugh, I also like to do the same for my wife. I know I've allowed an emotional bond (for me) to arise but I also realise that it's something I can't act on. Part of me wishes that she would start another relationship and so remove all doubt.
I mentioned in an early post about not been religious so this is it, so if I can have that hour or two of her company and enjoy it; why not. It doesn't detract from the happiness I have at home and I do enjoy my life, I don't spend 10hrs a week playing golf or down the pub. In 15 years time I'll be in my 60's and older than both my parents were when they passed. Life really is too short, I'm not saying I'm about to throw everything away but why deny myself the pleasure of her company I will eventually (maybe) do something stupid; I have to trust myself.
I didn't post here for absolution or looking for a licence to cheat. I had been thinking about things recently and the text message I deleted made me think and as I said I added 2 and 2 and got 400. There probably was a bit of self pity but I do genuinely look at friends and work colleagues who are separated, hell one guy became a night porter after he left the family home and think no freaking way.
Just simply seeing my thoughts in word form on screen has made me more aware and so friends is what we are and that is what I have to realise we will be. I will naturally (in my opinion) still find myself looking at her but I think I'm now more aware of that feeling.
This will be my last reply and I have thought about the replies I've seen. I know what I have to lose because I want the life I have. I have my family but soon it will just be the two of us and that doesn't fill me with dread. The couple of hours a week are not a secret life but just something extra. Maybe we will become better friends because I will realise that is what we are or maybe we will drift apart as friends sometimes do.

dubstepper

It reads like you are definitely going to cheat on your wife if you friend tries something. You sound reasonably at piece with that. Unfortunate situation for your wife.

Dalomanakora

Reading your replies through this thread, it's glaringly obvious you're hoping and praying that your friend will make a move on you because you can't risk doing it and being rejected.


Your poor wife deserves so much more.

strandroad

OP you are seeing her several hours a week (most people wouldn't have anything close to that for their best friend or a favourite hobby) and messaging her on top of that, you think she's absolutely gorgeous, she starts making suggestive remarks that need to be deleted, you keep turning them in your head...
We all know where this is going don't we. What you are is well beyond friends, by allowing your meetings and messages to continue you are already giving yourself permission. At least own it.

skallywag

professore wrote: »

Let's be honest here, pretty much any long term married person would love to have a few flings on the side if they could get away with it, and didn't have any moral compass...

Disagree with you completely, though perhaps I am a minority of one.

zapper55

skallywag wrote: »

Disagree with you completely, though perhaps I am a minority of one.

I doubt you are in a minority, I think it would eat many people up with guilt.

skallywag

zapper55 wrote: »

I doubt you are in a minority, I think it would eat many people up with guilt.

It's not just the guilt factor though, I believe that a large number of folk are actually happy enough with what they have and would just not be interested.

This idea that 'every one would if they could get away with it' gets bandied about all to frequently, and I think it's just a fleeting attempt to try to tar everyone with the same brush.

There are actually quite a few decent people about, despite what the Internet may think.

zapper55

Very true Scallywag. I'm surrounded by people in loving happy relationships. That's the norm in my experience. I see the odd few comments on here that all men/women are bastards/cheaters etc. But you'll only ever hear one perspective on a problem page like this one.

Most people are pretty decent, try to do the best by their partners and like and lust after them. Op I think you came on here hoping to be told its grand nothing of concern with the friendship you have. But the way you speak of her is a pretty big symptom that you are bored, that you (and perhaps your wife) have taken your marriage and each other for granted.

You want to feel more alive? Distance yourself from a person that you are emotionally closer to than your own wife, look at reigniting the spark in your own life and with your wife without third party involvement. I'm not suggesting it'll be easy or quick, but it'll be a damn sight better than the mess that will follow when you accidentally end up having an affair with the friend. You mightn't realise it but it's where your posts are heading.