Wife thinks I look at other women

LegacyUser

Hi,
Looking for advice on how to deal with an incident at the weekend. Married 3 years with a 2 year old daughter. I have been with my wife 6 years in total. From the beginning, she always felt that I had a roving eye. I don't think I do. I simply look around taking everything in. I am committed to and love my wife and would never dream of cheating on her. It seems that she is incredibly insecure about me and my commitment to her. If for example we are watching a show on TV and an attractive woman is on, she will say something sarcastic like "I'm sorry about that" i.e. I don't look like that. Sometimes she might say "Stick your tongue back in". All said in a jokey way though. I just pass it off. The incident at the weekend was bringing our daughter to a play centre. We were with my mother and after paying we were looking around for an empty table. It was busy and with my daughter in my arms, happened to look towards a woman standing by a table. She was dressed up in a skirt. I then looked elsewhere realising she wasn't leaving. My wife said in a non-sarcastic way this time that I should "Go and get it out of your system, I know you want to have a good look". This was different from the usual sarcasm. I felt angry, she was implying that I was leering at this woman. I wasn't. I said "What do you mean?" very curtly knowing she was implying this. She said there was no need to shout at her and that she was just joking. I said I didn't find that funny at all. I'd never do something like that. She said she was going to wait in the car but changed her mind. We sat for an hour while our daughter played, we couldn't really speak as my mother was there and hadn't heard what happened. At the end of our first year together, she broached my 'roving eye' and it almost ended our relationship. After we married 3 years ago, she broached it again. Now she is still at it and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to look at the floor in public places feeling that any good looking woman who happens to pass by is now someone I am looking at like some sort of horn dog. How do I reassure her about that I don't look that way but am just looking around? I'd hate to think I do that as I'm committed and love her alone.

Sardonicat

Stop trying to reassure her. Tell her plainly that you are not going to tolerate anymore accusations or smart comments that imply you are doing something wrong when you are not. This behaviour is about controlling you and not about any insecurities she may have. She needs to sort this out be it through counselling or something else.

Pelvis

OP, I know you say you're not looking at people this way. But I think you need to understand firstly, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking in the first place! Within reason of course.

Frankly, your wife needs to speak to a professional about her self esteen issues.

woodchuck

OP at best she's insecure, at worst she's controlling. You can't spend the rest of your life staring at the floor though! So I think you need to have a serious talk with her about this and let her know how it's effecting you.

Mr. Incognito

You need to sit your wife down when you kids is in bed and have this out with her.

Her behaviour is disrespectful, insecure, controlling, rude and demeaning.

You have addressed it before and it hasnt changed so I would be making it clear her marriage is on the line over this.

leggo

I mean, let's get to her in a second, but you say you don't have a roving eye OP, then the example of an incident you give by your own admission say you were looking at another woman. And you're describing how she was dressed up etc, usually if I'm looking at someone to see if they're leaving a table or whatever I don't fully take in what they're wearing. So like...are you? It's okay, you can tell us without judgement. It's fine (and natural) to find other people attractive, settled and secure couples can even laugh and joke about finding other people attractive, you're not really doing anything wrong looking at someone else (unless you actually are leering/staring) and it doesn't mean you want to cheat either. But come on here and be honest with us, first and foremost, we're not your wife and you don't need to give us the "Oh I was just...taking in the entire scene" waffle.

Now, the part you've been waiting for: yeah your wife is totally wrong here. She sounds desperately insecure and, unless it comes out that you engaged in some kind of physical/emotional affair previously, the issue is all hers. Like I said it's totally natural to still find other people attractive and you can't just switch that off by putting a ring on. Thing is, she almost definitely finds other lads attractive too! Like there is stuff you can do to help like little loving gestures and compliments for no reason, but ultimately it's an issue she needs to address and get over herself. The accusations, even while the kids and in-laws are around, are totally out of line. Giving you **** because an attractive person happens to come on a TV you were already watching? That's mental!

In terms of how you address it, have these issues always been there or are they new? Like sometimes women will feel insecure about body image and so on if they have any changes in their body after child birth etc. If you can get to what the core of these insecurities are, you can begin helping and addressing the overall issue, but like I said ultimately it has to come from her as this isn't a sustainable way for either of you to spend the rest of your lives together.

ElizaBennett

How is your sex life OP? I'm not expecting you to say it's awesome as your wife obvioulsy has major hang ups about her body, which is such a shame. Are there other clues in your lives that lead you to understandn why she has so little self confidence? Has she any reason to feel so insecure as far as you're concerned? Any ideas where it's all coming from?

osarusan

leggo wrote: »

I mean, let's get to her in a second, but you say you don't have a roving eye OP, then the example of an incident you give by your own admission say you were looking at another woman. And you're describing how she was dressed up etc, usually if I'm looking at someone to see if they're leaving a table or whatever I don't fully take in what they're wearing. So like...are you? It's okay, you can tell us without judgement. It's fine (and natural) to find other people attractive, settled and secure couples can even laugh and joke about finding other people attractive, you're not really doing anything wrong looking at someone else (unless you actually are leering/staring) and it doesn't mean you want to cheat either. But come on here and be honest with us, first and foremost, we're not your wife and you don't need to give us the "Oh I was just...taking in the entire scene" waffle.

I thought he wrote that as an example of what happens.

He looks at a woman - that woman happens to be dressed up in a skirt, and his wife interprets it as him looking at the woman because she was dressed up in a skirt.

Anyway, the OP's wife sounds terribly insecure about something. Inferiority complex of some kind?

Whatever it is, she needs to know that it is her behaviour that is the problem that needs to be sorted out, not his, and that he shouldn't feel like he has to stare at the floor to avoid having her stupid comments about his 'roving eye' thrown at him.

As you didn't mention anything in your post, I am presuming that you have never given your wife any reason to doubt your commitment to her and to your relationship. I think you could start by talking to her and getting her to agree that she has no reason to doubt these things.

Sardonicat

ElizaBennett wrote: »

How is your sex life OP? I'm not expecting you to say it's awesome as your wife obvioulsy has major hang ups about her body,

How is it obvious!?

The wife's behaviour is controlling and abusive.

Reverse the genders and see how many posts on here would be assumming the behaviour is coming from poor self esteem and asking the OP if they had any clue as to what caused it.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

I mean, let's get to her in a second, but you say you don't have a roving eye OP, then the example of an incident you give by your own admission say you were looking at another woman. And you're describing how she was dressed up etc, usually if I'm looking at someone to see if they're leaving a table or whatever I don't fully take in what they're wearing. So like...are you? It's okay, you can tell us without judgement. It's fine (and natural) to find other people attractive, settled and secure couples can even laugh and joke about finding other people attractive, you're not really doing anything wrong looking at someone else (unless you actually are leering/staring) and it doesn't mean you want to cheat either. But come on here and be honest with us, first and foremost, we're not your wife and you don't need to give us the "Oh I was just...taking in the entire scene" waffle.

Now, the part you've been waiting for: yeah your wife is totally wrong here. She sounds desperately insecure and, unless it comes out that you engaged in some kind of physical/emotional affair previously, the issue is all hers. Like I said it's totally natural to still find other people attractive and you can't just switch that off by putting a ring on. Thing is, she almost definitely finds other lads attractive too! Like there is stuff you can do to help like little loving gestures and compliments for no reason, but ultimately it's an issue she needs to address and get over herself. The accusations, even while the kids and in-laws are around, are totally out of line. Giving you **** because an attractive person happens to come on a TV you were already watching? That's mental!

In terms of how you address it, have these issues always been there or are they new? Like sometimes women will feel insecure about body image and so on if they have any changes in their body after child birth etc. If you can get to what the core of these insecurities are, you can begin helping and addressing the overall issue, but like I said ultimately it has to come from her as this isn't a sustainable way for either of you to spend the rest of your lives together.

It was an activity play centre. People are for the most part dressed casually. The woman in question was dressed as if going to the work christmas party. A sparkly dress and skirt. It seemed out of place/out of the ordinary if you get me and it would certainly draw a look from people myself included. My wife had a section when our daughter was born and she always wore similar dresses herself before hand. She gained weight like most women and perhaps this is the crux of it. She doesn't dress up as she used to anymore and is hung up about her body image it seems. I love her obviously no matter and she is currently on a diet, she looks fantastic and I've said as much. Interestingly, she looks back on pictures of herself (dressed up) pre-pregnancy and says "I can't believe I used to think I was fat then, you must think I'm a whale". I think it's her body issues causing her to say such things as "..get a good look now" etc. She is hyper sensitive to anything to do with her weight even comments from her family. I've never cheated and just feel peeved that it's still being said where it's been addressed before and it's now at the point of ruining a day out. Cheating with my eyes it seems to me. I have a 'type'. Short brunettes. My wife is short and brunette

As for our sex life, we've been trying again for another baby and all good there. We've been trying for 9 months and it's getting to the point where we may need to get checked. This is playing on her mind as well.

TheBoyConor

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You need to sit your wife down when you kids is in bed and have this out with her.

Her behaviour is disrespectful, insecure, controlling, rude and demeaning.

You have addressed it before and it hasnt changed so I would be making it clear her marriage is on the line over this.

Exactly, this is downright abuse. If a man was treating a wife like this there would be war.

You definitely need to sit down and discuss this with her and make it clear that you won't tolerate it any more.

Given her somewhat hostile temperament in this I'd be inclined to have a witness with you when you confront the issue or do it somewhere public just in case she takes grave offence at your calling her out on her behavior and tries to twist things and claims that you were threatening or abusive to her over it. I don't know how practical that is though. She seems rather quick tempered so I would advise caution in how you approach it.

silverharp

Its something that needs to be dealt with, out of curiosity does this bleed into other areas of your life? If you are home late/socialising with work, out with your mates , or involved in any clubs or groups? Do you get comments?

LegacyUser

silverharp wrote: »

Its something that needs to be dealt with, out of curiosity does this bleed into other areas of your life? If you are home late/socialising with work, out with your mates , or involved in any clubs or groups? Do you get comments?

I don't get comments about other areas. It seems to be a purely body image + trust issue.

Bigbagofcans

Everyone checks out other people - it's human nature to be curious. It doesn't mean I'm going to run away with someone just cos I glanced at their bum.

Your wife has serious self-esteem issues. You can't even watch TV in peace without her accusing you of checking out women on screen? You need a serious chat about this.

Jurgen Klopp

You need to nip this rubbish in the bud sharpish.

If she is insecure about herself it's sad but it's no bloody reason to keep making all these digs and accusations, she has serious issues.

I'd be very worried this will get worse as time goes on.

Do you have any female friends or co workers you socialize with out of interest? Does your wife let her friends around you?

Yellow pack crisps

leggo wrote: »

I mean, let's get to her in a second, but you say you don't have a roving eye OP, then the example of an incident you give by your own admission say you were looking at another woman. And you're describing how she was dressed up etc, usually if I'm looking at someone to see if they're leaving a table or whatever I don't fully take in what they're wearing. So like...are you? It's okay, you can tell us without judgement. It's fine (and natural) to find other people attractive, settled and secure couples can even laugh and joke about finding other people attractive, you're not really doing anything wrong looking at someone else (unless you actually are leering/staring) and it doesn't mean you want to cheat either. But come on here and be honest with us, first and foremost, we're not your wife and you don't need to give us the "Oh I was just...taking in the entire scene" waffle.

Now, the part you've been waiting for: yeah your wife is totally wrong here. She sounds desperately insecure and, unless it comes out that you engaged in some kind of physical/emotional affair previously, the issue is all hers. Like I said it's totally natural to still find other people attractive and you can't just switch that off by putting a ring on. Thing is, she almost definitely finds other lads attractive too! Like there is stuff you can do to help like little loving gestures and compliments for no reason, but ultimately it's an issue she needs to address and get over herself. The accusations, even while the kids and in-laws are around, are totally out of line. Giving you **** because an attractive person happens to come on a TV you were already watching? That's mental!

In terms of how you address it, have these issues always been there or are they new? Like sometimes women will feel insecure about body image and so on if they have any changes in their body after child birth etc. If you can get to what the core of these insecurities are, you can begin helping and addressing the overall issue, but like I said ultimately it has to come from her as this isn't a sustainable way for either of you to spend the rest of your lives together.

Waffle. Sure. It’s normal if someone accuses you of something to look around and see what they are talking about and it’s then you notice the details, in this case the dress. You’re ignoring the psychological abuse taking place and focusing on mute observations of your own.

OP. Many a word said in jest. Finding people attractive isn’t wrong, even if married etc, acting on it is. Rather than fight about it. Ask her why this is a constant stream of what now feels like accusations levelled against you. Ask her what it’s about? Why she thinks it’s ok to make you feel bad and undermine your obvious love not just for her but your family. Maybe it’s deep rooted or maybe it’s just a bad habit she has gone astray. Either one needs to be rectified. It’s only a joke if it’s funny. I can tell you don’t find it funny. If she makes more comments in the future just reply yes, she was attractive, wasn’t she? See how funny she finds that response.

LegacyUser

OP here. Appreciate the responses.

The incident was at a play centre with parents sitting at tables and chairs, people for the most part dressed casually. The woman in question was over dressed if you get me, looking more like she was going out for the night in a cocktail dress. It would certainly have drawn glances.

I've never cheated. I think there are trust issues for her. It's becoming a lot more prevalent since we had our daughter. For example, our work christmas party was last week, a black tie party. She said something like "..you'll love it with all the women dressed up". She would always dress up in a nice dress and recently we were browsing old photos. She mentioned that she couldn't believe she thought she was fat back then. She has also mentioned that she would love to, at some point, be so thin that people thought she looked ill. I have always assured her that I love her. It is certainly a body issue. She had a section and gained the usual weight after the birth. She has been stressed and over worked since the birth, she is a stay at home mum, and wants to shed the excess. It seems that it has become this sort of trope in our relationship where she automatically thinks I am oogling women she deems are prettier or more attractive than her. For example, if we were in a shopping mall and a typical stunner is walking towards us, I am finding myself consciously avoiding just looking knowing I am probably being watched like a hawk. Any good looking women almost always draws up the self-deprecating comment "I'm sorry about that". It's no longer a joke and I worry about her self esteem. I've tried turning it around on her in a playful way such as when say watching strictly come dancing or some such and one of the ripped male dancers is shirtless I say "I'm sorry about that!". She retorts by saying the SHE doesn't look implying that I'm the one always looking. No win situation.

No amount of reassurance that she is actually gorgeous herself seems to quell it. She looks like a movie star. I tell her this but to no avail. It has me thinking she needs to talk to someone about her body issues. It's the only issue between us. She's been through the mire at work before she got pregnant being bullied by a malicious co-worker. She also has an older sister who she used to live with who is controlling and domineering towards my wife e.g. she wouldn't even draw the curtains as this would have provoked an argument with her sister. We moved in together since we married and I think I've helped her deal with and have given her total support with that aspect of her life. Our sex life is normal, we're trying for another baby but it doesn't seem to be happening. All told she has a lot going on and this 'trope' seems to be becoming more rife. In terms of life style, we do seem to spend a lot of time together but I am free to do what I want within reason as with any marriage I guess.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Just to say, OP, the Personal Issues forum is pre-moderated; this means that if you are unregistered and post anonymously, as you are doing, your posts will have to be approved by a moderator before they will show on the thread. So your reply will show on the thread once a moderator gets to it, you don't need to post the reply more than once.

Thanks

Sleeper12

I'm almost 30 years married and still look at other women. It's perfectly normal and it's how we are made. I don't perv after them but I can admire anything that looks good. The important thing is to do no more than look and its important to look at your wife too. It doesn't do any harm letting her catch you checking her out. The last thing you want is for her to see you look at other women but for her to feel ignored or unattractive

starbaby2003

I know it’s not what you asked but I would think about getting your wife to address her issues prior to conceiving a second baby. It sounds like she is suffering from some body issues. If this is exasperated by pregnancy she may develop PND.

Her behaviour is not acceptable and is controlling. You have said yourself you avoid looking at women now as it may cause an argument. That is no way to live. Also think about your daughter. Do you want her to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable? If another person was doing it to her, how would you as her father feel.

nikkibikki

How do you reply when she comes out with these self depreciation comments? I mean immediately reply? Do you say something like don't be silly, you are gorgeous and perfect as you are? Or do you say nothing and take for granted that she knows how you feel?

Most people are insecure about something. Does that mean people with insecurities shouldn't be in relationships? A good spouse/partner would do whatever they can to help their partner with their issues and it seems the OP here is one of those people. Some of the people replying aren't.

OP your wife certainly needs professional help with her insecurities. I wouldn't be surprised if the fact that she isn't getting pregnant is also feeding into her insecurities and making her feel less of a woman. I've been there, secondary infertility is a real thing. I did get pregnant with a small bit of help but it's hard to get doctors to help or even do bloods sometimes. They often won't do anything unless you've been trying for a year.

Explain to her how these accusations make you feel, without getting angry. She needs to get help with these issues for ye're relationship as well as for herself.

December2012

She is being horrible to.you. She is judging you.as a philanderer just because she feels bad.

This is controlling and abusive behaviour

tara73

this is horrible, OP. Horrible situation for you. She's behaving very immature and in a way it's manipulating you and controlling. she sends you on a guilt trip all the time.

But after reading your posts, unfortunately I think you are not addressing it to her in a mature and seriousness enough way. It's deeply affecting you but I can't see you made this clear enough to your wife.

You try to jokingly make her aware of it, i.e trying to turn it around on her in a playful way when watching stripping TV shows or whatever.
I would say this is the worst thing to do. She has no humour within this field and she probably think you're mocking her. And with it your not showing the seriousness it has to you, quite the opposite.

You really need to sit down with her, tell her explicitly you need to talk to her abut this issue and it can't go on like this, you are not willing to accept she's accusing you any longer in such a way. You need to be very strict here as I think she knows exactly what she's doing and it's her intention to make you feel bad and having this power over you.

Also stop the reassurances to make her feel better and in the hope it will stop her accusations. It will not. It's doing nothing. Because she doesn't need or want them, her aim is to hurt, manipulate and control you.

This is about you now. As somebody already said, it's a form of abuse and you need to stand up for yourself in a very firm way. There's no other way people like this get the message. Believe me, I have some experience with people like this.

You explained the issues and how you feel here very clearly and comprehendible, so it should be possible to get it to her also.

I hope she'll get the message. But to be honest I think you have a long and hard way in front of you. Manipulative people like this don't change and maybe she can hold back for a while but it will always come back in one way or the other.

Dial Hard

nikkibikki wrote:

Most people are insecure about something. Does that mean people with insecurities shouldn't be in relationships? A good spouse/partner would do whatever they can to help their partner with their issues and it seems the OP here is one of those people. Some of the people replying aren't.

I think you're being incredibly unfair on the OP (and to other posters) here. There's insecure and then there's toxic self-esteem issues and I don't think any partner can or should be expected to deal with the latter. It sounds like the OP has gone above and beyond trying to manage her behaviour, to the point that he's modifying his own in a way that isn't healthy, imo.

I totally agree with you that his wife needs professional help.

osarusan

OP, it seems like you have gone down the route of passing it off as a joke, and also reacting by telling her how wonderful she is, without success by the sounds of it.

Maybe it's time to sit her down and explain that these comments are very unpleasant and unfair, and negatively affecting you. I get the impression you have not done that so far.

Until this happens, maybe she can pretend to herself that it's all just a joke or something, even though she must really know it's not - but maybe it all needs to be made explicit, so she just cannot pretend any more.

Big Bag of Chips

I think absolutely you need to make her hear that this is upsetting you. You are saying the words, but she's not hearing them. Next time she says something about someone on the telly, turn off the telly and look at her. Make her look at you, and tell her how her comments affect you. How they make you feel. She might try deflect it, or brush it off, but repeat how it makes you feel. Make her hear the words.

Don't make it about her, or how she looks. Don't make it an argument or ignore it. Don't brush it off as a joke. Get her attention, full attention, and tell her exactly how it makes you feel every time she accuses you of disrespecting her, your relationship, your marriage and your family. Don't tell her how you think she feels, but tell her how you feel.

She cannot argue with how you feel. She might say she's joking, or she doesn't mean it or she might try to garner sympathy by saying she feels terrible about herself, but don't get dragged in. Reiterate how it makes you feel and tell her it needs to stop. Tell her she might need to think about seeing someone about her own body issues. Tell her her problems are causing very real problems for you and your relationship and you are willing to do whatever you can to help her work through her issues. But make it clear you are no longer going to accept her 'making jokes' or accusing you of all sorts.

I remember hearing interviews with victims of domestic abuse in the past. It always jumped out at me when they said they felt compelled to look down at the floor all the time. There was one person who got out of a long-term abusive relationship and stated that it only dawned on her when they broke up that she had spent years looking down at the ground all the time. She never looked up for fear of being accused of eyeing someone up. Walking around with the head down was like a physical manifestation of being controlled. It's incredible how people can dominate others to the point where they control where they look.

Glad to see that the OP knows there's something messed up about this behaviour and doesnt seem to be standing for it.

I would say it's fairly normal to glance at other women and nothing wrong with it unless youre blatantly staring them out of it in front of your missus (which you are not)

best of luck sorting this out op

Up Donegal

I'm 100% certain that married women do their share of eyeing up men when they get the chance.

LegacyUser

I would agree with other posters about the need for having a serious chat with her. Her behaviour is 100% unacceptable. She's projecting all her insecurities onto you - it's how she feels about herself so she probably thinks it's how you feel. But it's not fair and it's not right for her to speak to you like. You're walking with your head down, OP. That's pretty fecking bad!!

On the trying for a baby issue - is this really the best time to try for another one? It sounds like she's at breaking point from what you've described of her being stressed and overworked etc. That, coupled with her issues, would make trying for another baby the equivalent of throwing a live grenade into the mix.

nikkibikki

Dial Hard wrote:

I think you're being incredibly unfair on the OP (and to other posters) here. There's insecure and then there's toxic self-esteem issues and I don't think any partner can or should be expected to deal with the latter. It sounds like the OP has gone above and beyond trying to manage her behaviour, to the point that he's modifying his own in a way that isn't healthy, imo.

He has put up with a lot for sure. But he seems to be passing it all off as a joke. I don't think anybody should give up on a marriage without discussing something seriously. Give the marriage that chance at least. Totally agree that the whole current situation isn't healthy.

LegacyUser

nikkibikki wrote: »

How do you reply when she comes out with these self depreciation comments? I mean immediately reply? Do you say something like don't be silly, you are gorgeous and perfect as you are? Or do you say nothing and take for granted that she knows how you feel?

Most people are insecure about something. Does that mean people with insecurities shouldn't be in relationships? A good spouse/partner would do whatever they can to help their partner with their issues and it seems the OP here is one of those people. Some of the people replying aren't.

OP your wife certainly needs professional help with her insecurities. I wouldn't be surprised if the fact that she isn't getting pregnant is also feeding into her insecurities and making her feel less of a woman. I've been there, secondary infertility is a real thing. I did get pregnant with a small bit of help but it's hard to get doctors to help or even do bloods sometimes. They often won't do anything unless you've been trying for a year.

Explain to her how these accusations make you feel, without getting angry. She needs to get help with these issues for ye're relationship as well as for herself.

Pretty much as you say "don't be silly, you are gorgeous and perfect as you are"

Sardonicat

OP, instead of trying to assuage her next time she makes a self deprecating remark tell her she needs to sort out her self image issues. Someone who aspires to be so thin that people will think she is ill has got serious issues, the kind that can be transferred to your daughter. Also, if she has actively started trying to achieve that goal it's unlikely you'll conceive.

Your wife needs professional help. Her behaviour is toxic. It's harming you, it's harming herself and this kind of obsession with appearance WILL damage your child.

nthclare

Up Donegal wrote: »

I'm 100% certain that married women do their share of eyeing up men when they get the chance.

My friends a Gym instructor, he has great stories about married women...

You couldn't be up to them....
.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think absolutely you need to make her hear that this is upsetting you. You are saying the words, but she's not hearing them. Next time she says something about someone on the telly, turn off the telly and look at her. Make her look at you, and tell her how her comments affect you. How they make you feel. She might try deflect it, or brush it off, but repeat how it makes you feel. Make her hear the words.

Don't make it about her, or how she looks. Don't make it an argument or ignore it. Don't brush it off as a joke. Get her attention, full attention, and tell her exactly how it makes you feel every time she accuses you of disrespecting her, your relationship, your marriage and your family. Don't tell her how you think she feels, but tell her how you feel.

She cannot argue with how you feel. She might say she's joking, or she doesn't mean it or she might try to garner sympathy by saying she feels terrible about herself, but don't get dragged in. Reiterate how it makes you feel and tell her it needs to stop. Tell her she might need to think about seeing someone about her own body issues. Tell her her problems are causing very real problems for you and your relationship and you are willing to do whatever you can to help her work through her issues. But make it clear you are no longer going to accept her 'making jokes' or accusing you of all sorts.

*thanks to Mod for posting note, never started a thread like this*

Thanks for this. I certainly need to take it far more seriously.
The feeling like looking at the floor I mean in a metaphorical sense. I don't physically look at the floor in public but do find myself averting my gaze from attractive women which I now can see is troubling anyway.

Some more example;

A few years ago I told her my favorite actresses was Keira Knightley. Every Christmas she was in the annual Coco Chanel advert. My wife would always say (again in that jokey way) "Oh look, it's your girlfriend". I'm half thinking of writing out that exact phrase in anticipation of it being said on a card to keep in my wallet and when she inevitably says it, I can take it out and confront her about it.

Watching I'm a Celebrity recently and Holly Willoughby was wearing a pants with her tanned legs. I was asked (again in the jokey covering way) to "stop staring at her leg's". All I can say is I'm not. "You totally are". In reality, Holly Willoughby could walk past me in the street and I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Even watching something like the Late Late and if a guest is on, she might say "She's lovely....isn't she?". I usually brush it off saying "No". This just fuels it more and I'm told to stop lying. It's abusive and I feel that I've been disbelieving of that til now. It's not healthy at all.

I'm beginning to see how controlling and abusive this is. It inflames me and I'm gutted she would treat me so abusively. She has hang ups about her appearance, she harps on about trying to get back to the way she was and I am helping her in that regard. We haven't spoken since Sunday afternoon. Childish I know but there was a nasty bent to the way it was said "...get it out of your system". It has just infuritated me, it piqued my anger. I will confront it in a non confrontational way. I'll let her know it made me angry.

I can see a cycle of abuse now. 1. Someone attractive appears. 2. "I'm sorry about that!" 3. "I wasn't looking". 4. You were totally. 5. Silent treatment (from both of us) 6. Resolving it 24-48 hours later. Weeks later repeat above.

.......

Up Donegal wrote: »

I'm 100% certain that married women do their share of eyeing up men when they get the chance.

nthclare wrote: »

My friends a Gym instructor, he has great stories about married women...

You couldn't be up to them....
.

Can we have a bit of maturity? Please dont minimise what is happening to the OP this way.

People look at people. We all have eyes. There is nothing wrong with a person, male or female, married or otherwise, looking around and seeing other people.

There is a difference between just looking around and your gaze passing over other people and actively ogling. The OP is describing normal behaviour where he looks around sometimes and then gets accused of having a roving eye.

His wife is engaging in abusive and controlling behaviour. Thats quite clear. Whatever her own insecurities are, she is projecting and insisting that the OP is the one at fault. He cant win, he has clearly described the futility of how the argument goes. He cant win because its not rational behaviour. She is accusing him of looking and if he denies it he is then accused of lying. She has already made up her mind he MUST be looking so there is NOTHING he can say to counteract that. She needs professional help.

She is quite literally trying to box him into a position where he cannot LOOK around. And you know, if he suddenly lost his eyesight she would move it onto him reacting to a female voice or smell of perfume. Because whats going on has nothing to do with how the OP is really behaving.

OP you really need to make a stand. In fact, I would be clear that unless professional help is sought that you will have to reconsider whether or not you can stay in the marriage at all. Its that serious.

A line needs to be drawn in the sand regarding her unacceptable behaviour. And if she crosses that line, then the consequence is that she is losing her marriage because of her behaviour.

This is abusive behaviour and you need to tell her this out straight. It's stifling to have to live your life like that. I imagine it has reached the stage now where your anxious every time a good looking actress comes on the television because you know youre going to have to have a mini confrontation. This stuff can have a bad impact on your mental health if it goes on long enough.

Are there other controlling or jealous behaviour patterns? How does she act if you go out with friends or do stuff that doesn't involve her, for example?

woodchuck

Mod note:

Up Donegal and nthclare, please only post if you have mature constructive advice for the OP.

Up Donegal

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

Up Donegal ..., please only post if you have mature constructive advice for the OP.

Apologies to O.P. and Woodchuck.

I'm not making little of the O.P. or the predicament he's in.

In fact, I think he's in a terrible situation at the moment and I hope he and his wife will soon reach a satisfactory conclusion.

Big Bag of Chips

rovingeye wrote: »

Watching I'm a Celebrity recently and Holly Willoughby was wearing a pants with her tanned legs. I was asked (again in the jokey covering way) to "stop staring at her leg's". All I can say is I'm not.

I'm a straight woman and could not take my eyes off Holly Willoughby's legs!! They were amazing!!


You need to confront her on this. And you need to let her know her obsession with appearance, hers and other women's is not healthy. As someone mentiomed the comment about wanting to be so thin people think she's ill is a very disturbing thing to say. What will she do if your daughter has a few extra pounds in future, as young girls tend to have before their growth spurt.

She absolutely needs to realise the seriousness of her behaviour and attitude. It is affecting you negatively, it is affecting her negatively and there is nothing to indicate that things will change and your daughter won't be affected negatively in the future.

osarusan

OP, you mentioned confronting her in a non-confrontational way.

My advice is to do so carefully. I'd even write down in advance what you want to say, what points you want to get across, what you don't want to get drawn into.

I would avoid having this conversation right after she has made one of her passive-agressive jokey comments, so it doesn't come across as a knee-jerk reaction (that can be dismissed as such).

Try to do it carefully, in a way that makes her see how serious an issue it is, and try to get her to agree that she has no reason to doubt your commitment to her and your relationship.

She would probably take the 'it's just a joke' defence, and you have played along with it being a joke on occasion also, so work out how to respond to that.

Just be prepared. Work out what you want to say, what you want the outcomes to be.

Yellow pack crisps

OP, I wouldn’t write down anything or wait. It’s a problem, now. Deal with it now.

witchgirl26

OP this isn't right and her reactions are over the top.

I admit that I had a conversation with my other half as sometimes the way he commented on women on tv made me feel a little inferior and he took on-board what I said. He still looks and admires but it's different as I don't feel insecure about it and I'm not constantly making an issue. In fact both of us were admiring Holly Willoughby every day on I'm A Celeb as she looked great!

You need to have a non-confrontational conversation with her and tell her that while you appreciate that she may have insecurities, you noticing other women exist does not mean there is any threat to your relationship and that her behaviour is now starting to affect you and feel controlling. Tell her that you feel you can't look at another person without her taking exception to it and that you feel you have to have blinkers on. Be completely honest but try to do it in an emotionless way - if you get angry or upset, it can just turn it into an argument which I'm guessing you don't want and which won't exactly help with getting the point across.

professore

To be honest OP you need to address this in a CONFRONTATIONAL way. Tell her in no uncertain terms you will NOT stand for this behaviour anymore. Do it at a neutral moment with no women around or on TV so she can't make the excuse you are covering up that you secretly leer and slobber uncontrollably over every woman you see. You are dealing with a bully here. There is only one language bullies understand.

This advice of the "softly softly" approach never works, and it's all so one sided. It only panders to the person who has done nothing wrong to understand the person who has "problems" and has to be handled carefully. Why do these people with problems have the luxury of having everything framed from their standpoint? What about the OP and his feelings and her disregard of them?

Even if you were admiring a woman - which it's clear most of the time you are not doing - there is nothing wrong with that, it's normal. As long as you aren't staring or comparing her visibly to your partner, there is no issue.

nthclare

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

Up Donegal and nthclare, please only post if you have mature constructive advice for the OP.

Sorry about my remark, it wasn't funny.

I wish the OP luck too,as I was in his situation with an exe girlfriend and was able to walk away.
And I know how uncomfortable walking on eggshells in a relationship is.

Sorry again

.......

professore wrote: »

To be honest OP you need to address this in a CONFRONTATIONAL way. Tell her in no uncertain terms you will NOT stand for this behaviour anymore.

I dont understand why this should be suggested as being confrontational?

It is possible to make oneself clear and understood without being confrontational.

There is little point in saying you will not stand for the behaviour unless you outline what will happen if the behaviour happens again. A line in the sand. And then follow through on whatever those consequences are. In the OPs case id say a solid line in the sand is that he will seek legal advice if his wife continues to abuse him.

No point in a vague - "I wont stand for it" imo. If there are no consequences and no follow through then its just meaningless words.

LegacyUser

The more I think about it the more it makes me angry.
We were a year together and she complained that I was always checking out other women.
I would look around like anyone else. I argued that I didn't and it was resolved, she accepted it.
My furstration is that if she was so put out about it, why did she agree to marry me if she continually had a problem with it. Why did she go ahead and marry me and bring it up again as an issue. Why did she have a child with me if this was still an issue. Why two years after she was born is it still an issue. Obviously there is a pattern there and my indignance is that the last thing I would do is make her feel bad by glaring, staring or oogling other women. I'm also beginning to realise I have no say, that my opinion is irrelevant. For example, before we met I was sporty, doing marathons. Since marrying, that stopped and I have gained about 1.5 stone. I was lean to begin with, I'm not overweight but annoyed I've allowed it to happen. Any time I've complained in passing that I need to get back to race weight, she complains that I have nothing to complain about and turns it into a 'how do you think I feel so' turn about. As such, I can't even skirt around the obviously sensitive topic of weight and body image without a flare up. The concept of her wanting to look so thin that she looks ill was pre-faced with the idea that she wanted to just feel like that was like once, not that she wished to look bone thin permanently.

I am not controlled at all regarding pursuits or my hobbies. There has never been nagging for example when I go do my thing. The whole 'I'm sorry about that' routine extends into self-derogatory comments about how "wouldn't you prefer if I looked like that?". I think I am being drawn into saying something bad about her appearance to verify her deeply insecure suspicions that I don't fancy her. Once I say something along the lines of 'you've put on a few pounds' or similar negative feedback then I am screwed. I'll have confirmed her long held suspicions and our marriage will be effectively over. The only other option is to ignore, deflect it but that is kicking her own insecurities down the road. I will need to explain that she needs to address whatever is causing her to say such self-derogatory comments and learn to love herself more, that she will always be loved by me.

professore

....... wrote: »

I dont understand why this should be suggested as being confrontational?

It is possible to make oneself clear and understood without being confrontational.

There is little point in saying you will not stand for the behaviour unless you outline what will happen if the behaviour happens again. A line in the sand. And then follow through on whatever those consequences are. In the OPs case id say a solid line in the sand is that he will seek legal advice if his wife continues to abuse him.

No point in a vague - "I wont stand for it" imo. If there are no consequences and no follow through then its just meaningless words.

What you are suggesting is being confrontational. What i meant was that if he says something vague like "Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't like the way you say I'm always looking at other women" she will just laugh it off or put him down.

I should have said about the consequences. He should say they are over if she doesn't stop this silly behaviour ... so the very thing she is afraid of will happen if she doesn't cop on to herself.

retro:electro

You need to law down the law. Period. Her constant niggling remarks would drive anyone around the bend. You need to say it out, tell her they’re her issues she’s projecting, not yours. If she feels inadequate compared to another woman that is HER issue, you shouldn’t get the blame for that. But there seems to be a nasty side to her comments too.. far more than “do you think she is attractive”.. she’s accusing you of being attracted to them based on her own feelings of inadequacy and the “get it out of your system” remark was uncalled for. You need to tell her that any more remarks along those lines won’t be tolerated. She’s trying to control your thoughts. Jesus if you can’t even look around in peace for fear of being snapped at what can you do. Next time she does it just walk away. Refuse to reason with her, don’t pander to her or even explain yourself. By doing that you’re indulging her nonsense.

.......

professore wrote: »

What you are suggesting is being confrontational. What i meant was that if he says something vague like "Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't like the way you say I'm always looking at other women" she will just laugh it off or put him down.

I should have said about the consequences. He should say they are over if she doesn't stop this silly behaviour ... so the very thing she is afraid of will happen if she doesn't cop on to herself.

Oh I misunderstood you - I thought you meant confrontation as in, going in for a row about it.

To my mind its possible to be clear and firm without it descending into a fight.

I wouldnt considered stating my case in calm but firm manner to be confrontational (although it may lead to her throwing a wobbly).

Bigbagofcans

Does she look at other men or does she quickly avert her eyes when a handsome man walks by?

OP, her jealously is only going to get worse if this isn't nipped in the bud.

LolaJJ

So, there's a chance your wife has some serious self-esteem issues. It's a horrible place for her to be in her head, and yes, it's bleeding in to your relationship and is probably unfair when taken at face value but my guess is that she's looking for some kind of validation or reassurance when she does this.

She desperately wants you to reassure her that you still find her attractive, she doesn't know how to ask for that so she's provoking you to get that reaction which she finds comforting - albeit destructive.

Before you go sitting anyone down for a stern talking to...I'd take the time to reassure her that you find her attractive, still, that you don't intentionally look at other women, and when you do you are not "checking them out". Then tell her in a very loving way that the only times she seems unattractive to you, ironically enough, is when she passes those remarks because it makes you feel so accused and judged.