Dealing with controversial person at work

missrosetaylor

Hi guys,

There's something about this girl I work with that's been bothering me for quite some time and I don't really what's the right approach to take.

This girl is someone who loves saying controversial stuff constantly. Every single day she goes off on racist rants about how certain groups in society should be gathered together and euthanized. She has a fascination with Hitler and she also harps on about how much she hates children. It's a repetitive theme with her. Usually I just to try to do what everyone else in work does - ignore her and change the topic of convo. However it's really difficult for me because when I hear such disgusting inhumane remarks I can't help but instantly want to tell people to cop on themselves on.

Lately I came to blows with her because she started talking about how the metoo movement was just a bunch of snowflakes looking for attention. This stung me big time because I myself fell victim to sexual assault less than two years ago in a public park and had to go to court where my attacker was sentenced less than a year ago. The worst part was that she knew about this but still felt it was ok to say it. When I confronted her she quickly apologised but it was only a matter of time again before she started passing more scathing remarks.

I know that a lot of it is attention seeking and she might get a thrill from sparking controversy, but I'm finding it hard not to rise to the bait.

I'm just wondering how best to handle this type of person.

Thanks in advance.

zapper55

She sounds insane. I'm surprised she hasn't been reported to HR already. Why don't you?

missrosetaylor

zapper55 wrote: »

She sounds insane. I'm surprised she hasn't been reported to HR already. Why don't you?

Our office doesn't have a HR person unfortunately. The office politics also keep her safe in that regard. So an outside intervention isn't much of an option

Emme

Ignore her completely. When she stops getting a reaction from you she will move on to somebody else. When she has nobody to get a reaction from she will stop. Basically kill her annoyance with niceness.

amdublin

I'd suggest you don't get into a discussion with her persay but still tell her how you feel:


Maria, when you say X about Y it makes me feel sad/uncomfortable/angry etc. I don't think saying things like that is right, and especially in not the workplace. Please can you stop saying things like that

lawred2

Ignore her.

The end.

Kidchameleon

Hi OP,

I mean this in a helpful way ok... but you actually do sound like a snowflake. Her words are only that, words. They should not bother you. And in fairness to her, much but not all of the metoo movement is bs. Please take into account that she apologised when she offended you. You need to lighten up.

leggo

Sometimes people who lack any personality or likeable traits will realise that they can get the kind of attention that most people can by just ‘being sound’ through their opinions. You see this stuff on Twitter and even boards all the time. They don’t even care that much about what they’re saying, if it upsets people or if everybody hates them, they’re at that stage where they’ve long since given up on being a functional member of society and just take joy in trying to bring others down with them. Feel bad for them and this girl, that’s a ****ty reality to have to try live out 24/7. And you only play into it by letting her bother you, you’re feeding her. Just roll your eyes and get on with your day pitying her, she’ll be used to herself and people’s reactions by now so when she sees nobody is biting anymore she’ll stop. It’s literally the only way.

Big Bag of Chips

Ignore her. Completely. Don't engage in any sort of conversation with her. When she starts, switch off. Think about what you're going to have for dinner this evening, think about what you're going to do for the weekend. Literally switch off when she starts talking. It's very easy to zone out of a conversation. It seems that's what the rest of your colleagues do.

I'm not sure what you work at, or if if would be appropriate to wear headphones. Stick on online radio and listen to that while you work. The only thing you can do with her is completely ignore her. She's not going to change. So best you can do is cut off her oxygen. Stop listening and engaging.

LegacyUser

We have a man identical to this in the office. Every day Trump this Trump that.. foreigners should not be allowed in Ireland but I should be allowed go on holidays wherever I want because I'm civilised and white so I'm not a danger to anyone... It's not rape if you're married...

When I started 5 months ago he would infuriate me on a daily basis and I couldn't even see myself staying in the job long. Everyone else just encouraged me to ignore him, and through time I've learned to.

All they want is the reaction. When he says something stupid nobody responds, or someone will pipe up with something unrelated to get a different conversation going. Don't entertain a word of it. If someone is in a 1:1 conversation with him and he kicks off, they just turn back to their desk. It takes a village!

I get annoyed with him sometimes now but I mostly feel sorry for him.

lawred2

similarsituation wrote: »

We have a man identical to this in the office. Every day Trump this Trump that.. foreigners should not be allowed in Ireland but I should be allowed go on holidays wherever I want because I'm civilised and white so I'm not a danger to anyone... It's not rape if you're married...

When I started 5 months ago he would infuriate me on a daily basis and I couldn't even see myself staying in the job long. Everyone else just encouraged me to ignore him, and through time I've learned to.

All they want is the reaction. When he says something stupid nobody responds, or someone will pipe up with something unrelated to get a different conversation going. Don't entertain a word of it. If someone is in a 1:1 conversation with him and he kicks off, they just turn back to their desk. It takes a village!

I get annoyed with him sometimes now but I mostly feel sorry for him.

rlly? someone says that at work

I don't really believe that

leggo

I would. People who have that viewpoint are generally unapologetic for it. Mental people think the world is wrong and they’re the only ones who see sense.

Keyzer

missrosetaylor wrote: »

Our office doesn't have a HR person unfortunately. The office politics also keep her safe in that regard. So an outside intervention isn't much of an option

Every company is legally obliged to have a HR department of some description - if there is no one locally who fulfills this role, report it to whoever runs HR.

Or ignore her completely - don't even speak to her.

Bigbagofcans

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Hi OP,

I mean this in a helpful way ok... but you actually do sound like a snowflake. Her words are only that, words. They should not bother you. And in fairness to her, much but not all of the metoo movement is bs. Please take into account that she apologised when she offended you. You need to lighten up.

That is not helpful at all - you're insulting the OP.

So if someone makes offensive remarks we should just shut up and "lighten up"? No way.

SirChenjin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Ignore her. Completely. Don't engage in any sort of conversation with her. When she starts, switch off. Think about what you're going to have for dinner this evening, think about what you're going to do for the weekend. Literally switch off when she starts talking. It's very easy to zone out of a conversation. It seems that's what the rest of your colleagues do.

I'm not sure what you work at, or if if would be appropriate to wear headphones. Stick on online radio and listen to that while you work. The only thing you can do with her is completely ignore her. She's not going to change. So best you can do is cut off her oxygen. Stop listening and engaging.

+1 to this. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
She knows that she can wind you up. So from now on, don't give her the power to do that.

spaceHopper

Knew somebody like that through a sports club he would literally say anting to start trouble, half of which I'm sure he didn't believe but knew it would get a reaction. Eventually he was asked to leave the club because of the small but persistent problems he was causing.

You have to put it in context she's looking for a reaction and will say anything even is she knows its wrong. If you ignore her she'll move on to somebody else. Best thing to do is don't respond or if she's becoming to much tell her you have to get back to work.

Get some head phones if you can wear them in work I've often had them on but no music, just to take the sting out of office noise.

LolaJJ

You are literally giving this person the power to irritate and offend you.

If you genuinely see her as some kind of racist nazi then surely her opinion is less than valid. Doesn't that basically discredit everything she says? She's just background noise.

I feel like there is this whole generation of people who go out and try to be offended every day. It must be exhausting. Just ignore it

wiggle16

I initially thought we must have worked together reading that cos I work with someone with these exact opinions, except he's male!

I have said it to him when he attempted a rant when it was just me and him in the office that his opinions are BS but it didn't make a lick of difference so now I just tune him out, change the topic of conversation when he starts or get up and walk away to the printer if that doesn't work.

I would suggest doing the same. The only thing you can do yourself is to put a wall up and ignore her. If you can't then surely there is someone else you can report her to?

Walter Bishop

lawred2 wrote: »

rlly? someone says that at work

I don't really believe that

Was actually the case in Ireland until around 1993, you couldn't be charged with rape if the victim was someone you were married to...

lawred2

Walter Bishop wrote: »

Was actually the case in Ireland until around 1993, you couldn't be charged with rape if the victim was someone you were married to...

yeah but that is 25 years ago

and I doubt everyone thought it was all good back then just because there was a legislation awaiting being struck out...

woodchuck

Mod note:

lawred2 and Walter Bishop, no more off topic discussions please.

tara73

did I get it right your bosses are tolerating this BS? Is she some relative of them or any other important connection to the bosses?

I would question the mindset of your bosses.

why don't you team up with as many of your colleagues as possible (it should be the majority), and make a serious complaint as a team. Bosses normally have to react to a team complaint, whereas one person complaining or just some on their own can be easily dismissed.

she hassles you with her attitude, stresses you in your breaks, it's counterproductive for the company. My guess is many people have their guards up to not go to the copyer/kitchen etc. when she's there.

and I don't think people like this should get away with this behaviour. you should all get active instead of burying your head.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't see it as you being a "snowflake", OP. Any decent, sane human being would hate to listen to racist opinions every week! I'm surprised she's allowed speak like that in a work environment, how incredibly unprofessional. But pathetic individuals like your colleague are really not worth getting upset over. Like others have said, ignore as much as possible. Make a joke out of her/what she says even. To quote Mark Twain "against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand". Just remember, people like your colleague are utterly ridiculous! Not worth your time or your upset.

miamee

missrosetaylor wrote: »

Hi guys,

There's something about this girl I work with that's been bothering me for quite some time and I don't really what's the right approach to take.

This girl is someone who loves saying controversial stuff constantly. Every single day she goes off on racist rants about how certain groups in society should be gathered together and euthanized. She has a fascination with Hitler and she also harps on about how much she hates children. It's a repetitive theme with her. Usually I just to try to do what everyone else in work does - ignore her and change the topic of convo. However it's really difficult for me because when I hear such disgusting inhumane remarks I can't help but instantly want to tell people to cop on themselves on.

Lately I came to blows with her because she started talking about how the metoo movement was just a bunch of snowflakes looking for attention. This stung me big time because I myself fell victim to sexual assault less than two years ago in a public park and had to go to court where my attacker was sentenced less than a year ago. The worst part was that she knew about this but still felt it was ok to say it. When I confronted her she quickly apologised but it was only a matter of time again before she started passing more scathing remarks.

I know that a lot of it is attention seeking and she might get a thrill from sparking controversy, but I'm finding it hard not to rise to the bait.

I'm just wondering how best to handle this type of person.

Thanks in advance.

Did you have a physical altercation with this woman?! Was it in work?

Physically assaulting a colleague is going to look far, far worse to your managers than her being a mouthy idiot. You need to look out for yourself and your job and manage your reaction to this woman and her opinions.

Even if you don't intend to stay there long-term, being fired for assaulting a colleague will go down like a lead balloon with potential new employers should they ever hear about it.

whatnext

Keyzer wrote: »

Every company is legally obliged to have a HR department of some description - if there is no one locally who fulfills this role, report it to whoever runs HR.
.

Is this true? We don’t even have an accountant.

evolving_doors

Five out if they're saying this stuff online (twitter Facebook). The company might take action if her public comments are linked to the business she works with. Would they want their customers finding out what she says?

osarusan

If you can ignore it, do that.

Is there really nobody who you can talk to? Is it a very small company, and she is friends with the boss, or something like that?

Anyway, even if you didn't literally 'come to blows' already, don't lose your cool and make yourself the bad guy.

Keep a record of some of the worst utterances if you like, so that you'll have something to show somebody if you get the chance in the future.

B0jangles

Some people have spent so long on the internet that they have forgotten (or never learned) how to function in every day reality.


It sounds like she's one of the keyboard warrior brigade who can be counted on to spout the most controversial, obnoxious opinion on any available topic, except she hasn't copped that talking like this online means you might get banned from a site, whereas talking like this in reality gets you fired.

Ignore her, or laugh at her because she so pathetic - since there's no H.R. department she can hardly report you for laughing at her, can she?

missrosetaylor

miamee wrote: »

Did you have a physical altercation with this woman?! Was it in work?

Physically assaulting a colleague is going to look far, far worse to your managers than her being a mouthy idiot. You need to look out for yourself and your job and manage your reaction to this woman and her opinions.

Even if you don't intend to stay there long-term, being fired for assaulting a colleague will go down like a lead balloon with potential new employers should they ever hear about it.

No I certainly didn't. Verbal confrontation not literal physical at all.

missrosetaylor

B0jangles wrote: »

Some people have spent so long on the internet that they have forgotten (or never learned) how to function in every day reality.


It sounds like she's one of the keyboard warrior brigade who can be counted on to spout the most controversial, obnoxious opinion on any available topic, except she hasn't copped that talking like this online means you might get banned from a site, whereas talking like this in reality gets you fired.

Ignore her, or laugh at her because she so pathetic - since there's no H.R. department she can hardly report you for laughing at her, can she?

Yes I agree - with you and the others, I really shouldn't give in to her desperate attempts for attention and reaction, it's very silly really to give someone the power to offend you. I'd always be very tolerant to other people's views no matter how different they are to mine. But it's just the constant mouthing off for no legitimate reason I find frustrating from time to time. But I guess what's been said here is definitely true - it comes from a place of insecurity so it's really her that's suffering.

Lackey

My favourite conversation stopper:

‘I’m going to have to stop you there’
‘Why?’
‘I’m just going to have to stop you’

Take out book/ phone look away

Paddy Cow

Op she sounds like Katie Hopkins - an attention seeking gobsh!te who will say anything "controversial" for attention. Next time she starts on one of her rants, just imagine her as Katie Hopkins and it will help you dissociate from her

Kidchameleon

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Op she sounds like Katie Hopkins - an attention seeking gobsh!te who will say anything "controversial" for attention. Next time she starts on one of her rants, just imagine her as Katie Hopkins and it will help you dissociate from her

Katie Hopkins would tear the OP a new one. OP needs to toughen up and not worry about their "feels" so much. I mean that in a constructive way btw.

B0jangles

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Katie Hopkins would tear the OP a new one. OP needs to toughen up and not worry about their "feels" so much. I mean that in a constructive way btw.

Is the OP not just free to speak their own mind, or is that right reserved for people who seem to desperately need the attention they get by spouting controversial opinions as loudly and as often as possible?

OP, like I said, this is a person with a serious personality defect or who is severely lacking in normal, non-internet socialization. In the absence of any H.R. structure, it's hard to know what you can do.

Reacting negatively will only feed her need for attention - people like this are always looking for a reaction and it doesn't matter if it's negative or positive - it might be best to just walk away any time she starts up, or if that's not possible, just speak as though she literally never said anything at all.

Paddy Cow

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Katie Hopkins would tear the OP a new one. OP needs to toughen up and not worry about their "feels" so much. I mean that in a constructive way btw.

Would you ever cop on. The op was sexually assaulted and had to go to court. Her attacker was convicted. That's serious trauma and her colleague is well aware of it. This isn't just a case of the op indulging in their "feels" :rolleyes:

missrosetaylor

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Would you ever cop on. The op was sexually assaulted and had to go to court. Her attacker was convicted. That's serious trauma and her colleague is well aware of it. This isn't just a case of the op indulging in their "feels" :rolleyes:

Thank you for this. I have to admit it's a little scary as a sexual assault survivor to hear this response of 'toughen up'. I know that I cannot expect everyone to always be sensitive about these issues, but if you are aware that someone has experienced trauma as a result of sexual assault, it doesn't take much to keep those negative controversial opinions to oneself imo. But maybe I'm wrong ðŸ˜

Kidchameleon

Sorry if I offended you OP I was trying to tell you what I think you need to hear. Perhaps I was wrong. FWIW I am a survivor also.

bilbot79

Does she have a strong Dublin accent and a coarse, forced laugh?

missrosetaylor

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Katie Hopkins would tear the OP a new one. OP needs to toughen up and not worry about their "feels" so much. I mean that in a constructive way btw.

I'm not sure if you read the OP properly. These 'feels' you refer to are partly due to PTSD after sexual assault. I hope that you never have to experience it as I would not wish it on anyone.

Maybe I do need to toughen up. But PTSD is complex. I may not have had the same reactions to these things before. But overcoming trauma is an uphill battle, you try to figure out and comprehend why something so awful would happen to you. There are lots of triggers in what people say/do that reignite the feelings of trauma and helplessness. It can be a nightmare at the best of times. But I have found that most decent people recognise and respect this.

I hope you will please take this into account if you ever encounter a sexual assault survivor.

Snotty

People have different opinions, you might not like them but why is your opinion of more value than hers?

missrosetaylor

Snotty wrote: »

People have different opinions, you might not like them but why is your opinion of more value than hers?

My opinions are not of more value than any ones. I just don't think nasty and negative attention seeking remarks are helpful in a workplace situation. But I've accepted that they can always be ignored too.

missrosetaylor

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Sorry if I offended you OP I was trying to tell you what I think you need to hear. Perhaps I was wrong. FWIW I am a survivor also.

Sorry I didn't see this before I wrote the last post. You did say in your posts that you wanted to be constructive, so that's fair enough. I guess we all deal with these things differently. It's hard to describe the situation adequately for people who don't know me or the person involved so I accept that the situation can be construed in different ways.

Bigbagofcans

Snotty wrote: »

People have different opinions, you might not like them but why is your opinion of more value than hers?

Someone who is racist, would love groups of people to be euthanised and idolises Hitler doesn't deserve to have their opinions to be heard.

mikemac2

Tell her to leave the current job and buy a taxi plate. She can discuss her theories on the rank with the others

Snotty

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

Someone who is racist, would love groups of people to be euthanised and idolises Hitler doesn't deserve to have their opinions to be heard.

Exactly, ignore them. Just like everyone has the ability to ignore any person, something our modern society seems incapable of.

missrosetaylor

Snotty wrote: »

Exactly, ignore them. Just like everyone has the ability to ignore any person, something our modern society seems incapable of.

Thanks Snotty