End of my rope

Bothered38

It is unreasonable to hope for a text from your boyfriend when you’re travelling to say safe trip. I know this seems a bit ridic to be annoyed about but I was away for the weekend and returning home Monday. He text me Monday morning to complain about work and after my response we have had zero contact since. Under normal circumstances I’m not overly bothered if I don’t hear from him for a day. I instigate almost all of our communication and this time I’m just not bothered. I’m having a “if he wants me he knows where to find me” week.
I expect very little from him and I’m very laid back in general but the lack of effort he displays upon occasion is starting to fall beneath even what I find acceptable. I’ve spoken to him previously about needing a bit more than he’s offering and he fully admits that he can be c**p. I accepted the lack of communication previously when he made it up in other ways. Suggesting things to do together etc, but now that seems to have slipped into my area too. We’re together over a year and I’ve met one of his friends. He has a son whom I’ve never met. It’s all just getting a bit bizarre at this stage. When we’re together he’s loving and attentive. He tells me he loves me regularly when we’re together. I feel myself drifting into bitterness, and that’s the last thing I want. I also don’t want to finish with somebody I do love and whom I’m sure loves me, despite the crap. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for here. Perhaps just a rant and some opinions.

Ursus Horribilis

No it's not unreasonable but you know that. You're also making a lot of excuses for him but again you know that. What is it you're looking for here? You've presented us with evidence of a relationship that doesn't sound all that great. He's not changing, you don't want to break up with him. What gives?

Bothered38

Zero excuses. I don't have any. Just facts. He's useless when we're apart but when we're together he is in fact a different human. I'm not sure why I'm here. Looking for opinions I guess. I'd quite happily break up with the texty version, but the in person person I would miss greatly,,

Ursus Horribilis

He's not making you feel secure though and that's not down to texting. Why has he kept you so separate from the rest of his life?

I'm not for playing games but I think you'll learn a lot if you stop instigating contact with him. See what happens.

Bothered38

Yes I guess it’s the combination. I’m really not sure. He doesn’t see his friends regularly due to logistics, very rarely in fact. He’s not very close to his family but is to his son whom he sees regularly. I was truly in no hurry, but at this stage combined with everything else it’s starting to bother me.

leggo

It sounds like he wants someone when you’re there but not when you’re not. It’s not great tbh OP and I think serious conversations are needed...but even then when you find yourself having a chat with someone basically saying “Like me more!” it’s pretty bad...

Bothered38

Yeh that’s exactly it. He’s told me that he could quite easily go a week without texting anybody. He Loves his own company which is fine, I love my own company. I’m his first relationship for a long time and at first I put it down to that, but the unwillingness to meet me in the middle is starting to irk.

Ursus Horribilis

It almost sounds like you're in bootie call territory, though I'm sure there's more it than that.

witchgirl26

OP - on the text when travelling, I wouldn't get too hung up on that. I've been with my OH for 7 years and I sometimes go away for work for a week and rarely get a "safe travels" text. I'd chat to him most evenings on the phone if I'm away though to be fair.

That said, on the other stuff, if you're not happy then it's not working for you. I'm not saying end the relationship or anything major like that but maybe a good face to face conversation about what you want out of the relationship and see if you can meet a compromise situation.

Bothered38

I can see why it may seem that way but it’s definitely not a bootie call situation. We will do nice things together. We see each other twice a week as a rule but on occasion due to life may only be once. Its the times in between that bother me. He goes from loving and affectionate to a one worded cold fish. Drives me batty. Makes me feel like he’s rolling his eyes should I deign to contact him.

The safe travels text while on it’s own wouldn’t bother me coupled with the other stuff probably makes it seem like more of a deal than it is. I’m back since Monday and not so much as a “how was your trip”.

amdublin

You're going out a year. What age are you? Have you ever had the where are we going talk/have you said you love each other?

I am wondering if you are feeling insecure about the relationship and that is why the text thing is bothering you?

If you were more secure would the text matter so much?

Bothered38

I’m 37, he’s 38. I have been in 3 serious relationships in my life each one very different to the last. He has not. He is almost a relationship virgin and despite the fact that he was almost phobic of the “R” word he previously was the driving force behind the move from dating to an exclusive relationship, he told me he loved me first, and we have spoken about moving in together down the line.
This is not something I am in any hurry for. I have never felt insecure in this relationship. I have had my moments in the past but with this one it’s been blissfully free of anything like that until recently, I’m wondering if his reluctance to involve me in the lives of those he’s close to is a sign of something bigger. I get annoyed about the communication part, but that on it’s own I could handle for the best part. I am very much one to keep the lines open. I can accept that he is just not a big phone person, and I have compromised accordingly, but by the same token, he knows that if he text me a random sweet message it would make my day yet has always been unable to do so. If I force the issue at best it would lead to a hollow victory.

tara73

how is the arrangement with his son? does he live with him or does he has him x days a week?

I'm asking because you said you never met the boy. He could be the reason he's partly non committed. Maybe he had a bad break up with the mother of the child and he his very cautious and protective of his son not to get involved with any new girlfriends too soon, which is very responsible.

some people want to protect their children for all their childhood from new partners, which I think isn't the best move either.

Could be the reason and if it's the case would be the question how long you are willing to put up with it. One year is about the right time to know for himself if you're the one for him and to introduce you to his son I would say.

Bothered38

His son is 14. He stays with him every weekend and for longer periods during school holidays. I absolutely get that you should be 100% sure before the introductions are made but after a year, well technically a year and four months! He mentioned us meeting previously to both me and him but that was about two months ago and nothing since. He did have a have a bad break up, but as it’s over ten years ago now I find myself reluctant to use that as a reason.

tara73

Bothered38 wrote: »

His son is 14. He stays with him every weekend and for longer periods during school holidays. I absolutely get that you should be 100% sure before the introductions are made but after a year, well technically a year and four months! He mentioned us meeting previously to both me and him but that was about two months ago and nothing since. He did have a have a bad break up, but as it’s over ten years ago now I find myself reluctant to use that as a reason.

yes. thought he's younger, the son.

strange stuff. I would second the previous advice in this case, stop contacting him and see what happens. I think you talked to him about it before and nothing changes so time to move on to this step.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you certain he's split from his ex?

Bothered38

3000 percent certain. She's married with 3 more children and he sees her under duress only if he absolutely has to. I'm fairly sure this is less to do with another woman and more to do with the kind of person he is.

.......

Have you ever asked him why he treats you so coldly when you are apart?

Was it always this way?

Not having met any of his friends (sorry, just 1), his son and silences between meet ups makes him sound like he is running a very compartmentalised life. Its not something I find attractive in a partner tbh. Based on my own experiences people who compartmentalise to that degree are either hiding something or are people who find it easy to hide something.

Bothered38

In the beginning he was better. Never superb but he would send nice messages and I certainly felt more wanted than tolerated. Yes. I have. He tells me he’s simply not a texter, or a caller and that he operates better in a “real life” situation. I’ve seen texts to his son and they are not dissimilar and I know the boy is literally the apple of his eye.

Ursus Horribilis

I get that he's not a big texter but you'd think he'd be dying to meet you in person seeing as you've been away. When did you last see him?

osarusan

I suppose what you really want is that he naturally texts you more often, and makes you feel wanted and missed when you're not around. You want this behaviour to be something that just comes naturally to him.

Then, the problem with talking to him about it is that when it happens, you can't be sure if this is 'natural' or because he feels like he has to.

Bothered38 wrote: »

He tells me he’s simply not a texter, or a caller and that he operates better in a “real life” situation.

It may be as simple as that, and if it is, maybe you have to accept that this is the person he is.

Whether that is something you can get over in your relationship is the next question.

Bothered38

9 Days I went the Friday before last. It’s not the longest but yes. A bit of enthusiasm or a simple did you make it home ok would have been nice.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you think 9 days is too long a gap? He sounds like he can't be arsed to be honest. If he doesn't text, that's fine. Not seeing the woman he if supposedly in love with is another matter entirely.

miamee

Bothered38 wrote: »

9 Days I went the Friday before last. It’s not the longest but yes. A bit of enthusiasm or a simple did you make it home ok would have been nice.

Have you had any contact with him in the 9 days?!

.......

Is he on the spectrum for autism?

I understand some people are not much for texting or phoning and are better in real life, but the lack of basic concern for someone who he supposedly loves is odd.

Bothered38

We spoke while I was away, a few perfunctory texts here and there, last I heard from him was Monday morning. I was flying that evening. I think I don’t make enough of a fuss to be honest. He’s mentioned that I never hassle him, and I’m not a hassle giver, I rarely feel the need. The need however is starting to grow ��He is incredibly set in his ways and will really very rarely do anything that he doesn’t want to. I generally go along with what he wants to do because it really doesn’t bother me and I’m usually happy to do whatever.

Ursus Horribilis

What does he mean by "you never hassle him"?

Jurgen Klopp

Could you try forgetting the texting and try a 5 minute phone call instead each evening or every second day etc?

If he's not a texter and better in "real life" which I get means face to face, but a quick chat might be easier and better for you both

It's something I try to so when seeing someone after the initial dating phase as it's handier than texting

Bothered38

I guess he means that Im generally not overly bothered by things. I'm remarkably laid back and very little ruffles me. He can be harder work. We've obviously cancelled seeing each other a few times for various reasons. I understand, he gets a bit cranky. I don't pressure him, but perhaps I should a little more.

Church on Tuesday

Male here giving my perspective on this.

My ex was the same. Once we parted company for a certain period of time, a week or whatever, communication was basically a one way street. I simply was not thought of enough. Eventually that became in general.

No one expects to be in constant communication all the time when you are apart in a relationship, I would find it head-wrecking if a woman I was seeing was texting me constantly.

However, a simple text to ask how are you, did you get back ok, etc is fairly basic stuff. It takes a second to send a text or whatever. Some people are just poor communicators, but if someone can't take a second of their time to ask you how you are or wish you a safe journey or let you know you got back OK after a long journey, then really you may be better off out of that relationship.

Xterminator

Hi Op

the whole spontaneous contact isn't working for you both. Can i suggest that instead you pre arrange a specific date and time for a webchat.

IE "what are your plans tuesday? okay 9pm tuesday we will make time for a webchat, see you then"

If one party has to re-arrange - so be it, but there are plans. At the end of chat one you can arrange the next chat, so that you don't have periods of silence.

That way he knows exactly what you want/expect and you dont feel like your not on his mind.