How to cut people out of your life?

LegacyUser

I am male late 30s and for years I used to let people talk down to me because I wasn't the best at standing up for myself or for self esteem but this past year I have changed, I think it was down to the fact that I took a year out alone to travel and I had to jump in feet first and look after myself, it gave me a lot of confidence to talk to strangers and know what I like/don't like. When I came back to work (I had a years career break) I was more assertive and I wasn't guilty saying no to people. Something started to nag at me, I had a friend in work for about 6 years and we always got on and often socialised as part of the work gang but I felt deep down he was talking down to me as if I was a child or something, nothing obvious and he did a lot of things to help me over the years but I couldn't ignore that nagging feeling of his digs at me.


One day he said as a joke that I need to do a bit of overtime to catch up with a project we were working on. I know there was no real malice there but that was it for me. I told him to straight out not to ever speak down to me again and that I could see his digs at me and I wasn't putting up with it anymore and that if he wanted a project to get a dog and stop trying to judge me by his standards. He was reeling, I could see how hurt he looked and shocked too and he insisted he would never put me down, that hes not like that and he liked my company but it was too late so I told him to stay away from me. Afterwards I felt fully justified in my words and he has tried once or twice to reconnect but I barely passed a word and now he has taken the hint. Do you think this is the best way to remove toxic people from your life, just be open and direct and put it behind you? There really is no other way?

wiggle16

Are you looking for reassurance that you did the right thing? Cos I wouldn't be sure that you did. Sounds more like you let it build up and then overreacted all at once to something that could have been sorted civilly much earlier. Maybe he didnt mean to have digs at you, or didnt realise how he came across. The fact that he tried to reconnect with you would indicate that he didnt mean it or if he did, he was genuinely sorry. But I suppose who you keep company with is your call. You're probably both better off, to be honest.

You've burned your bridges entirely so it's academic at this stage. But clearly it worked so I'm not sure why youre asking.

woodchuck

OP your reaction sounds very extreme to me. It's one thing being assertive, but we also have to learn to deal with people who might annoy us a little bit from time to time in a mature manner. You said yourself that you were friends for 6 years, always got on, socialised often, he did a lot of things to help you over the years... yet you've completely cut him out of your life because you perceived some of his comments to be digs at you?! Nobody is perfect, but he doesn't sound toxic to me.

You said yourself for the example you gave that you knew that there was no real malice there. Lots of people slag each other off jokingly - if it's not something you like, you just have to speak up though. You could've had a mature conversation with him to say that you know he didn't mean anything by it, but that you'd appreciate if he didn't make comments like that. You didn't even give him that chance though. It sounds like you completely flew off the handle. I'd be pretty damn hurt if I was him.

I get that you used to let people walk over you in the past and it's great that you have more confidence now. But you handled this situation very poorly. It sounds like you might have been taking out all your past hurt on this one poor guy who didn't do much (or anything) wrong.

If I was you, I'd make an effort to mend fences. If nothing else, you have to work together and I'm sure you've made it very uncomfortable for your other colleagues too.

zoobizoo

I think you totally over reacted here.

I have some very good friends who slag me and who I slag and it's part of our relationships - it always has been. They aren't digs. They are jokes at my expense.

There was no malice or hurt intended and yet you took it as someone speaking down to you.

To actually tell someone who has done something as innocent as that to "stay away" from you sounds really extreme and to be honest, childish.

While it's great that you have a new condfidence, it's not much use to you if you can't interact with other adults without throwing a fit when they say something you don't like.

There are toxic people out there who we should all avoid but this guy doesn't sound like one of them

Ursus Horribilis

Wow, you've really gone from one extreme to the other, haven't you? I'm wondering why you posted here. Are you proud of what you did or do you have a nagging feeling that you went too far?

In my opinion, you went off the deep end here and it is not showing you in a good light at all. You were also extremely foolish to do this to someone you have to work with. It will make things awkward for your other colleagues if this becomes toxic. Believe me, I've been there and it's not fun having to tiptoe around two colleagues who no longer speak. The potential for this to become a lot nastier is there. Don't think for one second that this is the end of the matter. I think you're going to have to learn the hard way that you can't just go around tearing people a new one, especially if they're a part of your life in some way or another. You've still got a lot of growing up to do.

pwurple

I generally think cutting people out is the height of childishness and in a lot of cases amounts to bullying. Excluding people is hurtful.

What you've done here is be rude to someone who was looking out for you, followed up by stonewalling them for your error.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you behaved very unprofessionally. You may have a new found confidence, but I think you don't know how to handle it yet. How you reacted was confrontational, aggressive and unnecessary. You have to work together, yet you have told him to stay away and are now blanking him. That has to be affecting your work?

I think you should make amends. Apologise for flying off the handle. Explain that you feel his constant comments are not so subtle digs at you and you don't like them. But apologise for overreacting. Your friendship/working relationship will never be the same again, but you do need some sort of working relationship.

By the way, if you want to cut people out of your life the usual way to do it is just to let the relationship drift away. Don't meet up with them. Don't be in touch with them. Having a big blow—up is usually just how they do it on telly.

JeffKenna

OP you've totally missed the point that this person is a work acquaintance/friend. Different rules apply to how you interact with people in the work environment as to how you might interact with them in other environments. You can't snap at someone like that and totally blank them in work, that's workplace bullying.

LegacyUser

I suppose the reason I asked is to get others perspective on how life changed when you cut someone out that was just no good for you for a long time. I don't have to work closely with him, we used to work together on a project but nowadays its only the odd request and that wont change. I wont make any small talk or friendly chat but if he wants something ill keep it to the point and work related. I did feel better afterwards because I always feel that these things can only be done through direct confrontation. I would have said it to him in a pub or on the street so the fact that its the workplace doesn't matter to me.
Hasn't anyone else overcome low self esteem to be in charge of who is in and who isn't in your life?

Ursus Horribilis

Did you read any of the above responses at all? This isn't about your self-esteem or controlling who is and isn't in your life. There is nothing wrong with reducing contact and subtly cutting out people you don't like. It's how mature adults with cop-on deal with people they don't like.

If you think blowing up at people you have issues with is the way to handle them, you are storing up a hell of a lot of trouble for yourself. I don't think you're interested in hearing this though. You started this thread hoping we'd all clap you and the back and tell you that you're a great fella for doing this, didn't you?

wiggle16

With respect OP, what is your issue? As in, what is the personal issue you came here to seek advice about? You've basically posted about your own (honestly quite poor) behaviour towards another person. Then you're asking what are basically rhetorical questions. What is it that you want to address?

Hasn't anyone else overcome low self esteem to be in charge of who is in and who isn't in your life?

Of course they have. Everyone does this. But there is a huge difference between being confident and assertive and being combative and aggressive and you do not need that difference explained to you.

You've soured things, almost certainly permanently, with this person, for no real reason other than these quite possibly imagined "digs" - you can't even articulate a single concrete thing this guy did to you, other than some vague, jokey reference to overtime. I'm not getting it. You sent him "reeling", and you seem proud of it. You shouldn't be. What you did was juvenile and unfair.

Aside from that, it's very unprofessional and it's an unwise attitude to have in work. Being able to stand up for yourself and hold your own is a good thing and it's something people respect. Being hostile and capricious towards people is not: it shows you're not able to deal with issues and have to attack them to make them go away. Perhaps instead of working on your self-esteem you should work on your ability to communicate. There was no need for this situation, or your carry on. At all

Wanted or not, I'll give you some advice anyway, OP: I wouldn't make a habit of this behaviour, especially not at work, because one day you will meet your match and you won't come out the better of it.

joeguevara

There are two things that needs to be addressed.

Firstly if someone is not adding to your life and have done things that cannot be forgiven then yes cut them out. I have done so with mates who were with my ex.

However I don’t think your friend did enough to be cut based on what you said especially when you said he has helped you.

Now there may be more or you may have grown out of friendship but if so you should explain. Fair play for being assertive but that doesn’t mean that you should blow up at someone who may have thought it was banter.

OldMrBrennan83

If you weren't happy you've have done the right thing, that's the single most important thing and comes way before his feelings/ego. The best thing to do now is not to fall back into it and do exactly what you've been doing in staying strong and keeping a good wall up towards him. A good definite line under it is better than a load of grey.

Big Bag of Chips

DontLookBack wrote: »

Hasn't anyone else overcome low self esteem to be in charge of who is in and who isn't in your life?

Loads of people have. It has little to do with self esteem though. If there are people in your life who make you feel anxious, or bad about yourself or whatever, then the obvious thing to do is not spend a lot of time in their company. As adults we have a say over who we spend time with.

As already mentioned, there is a line between assertive and aggressive. You were aggressive. Not assertive. Aggression isn't a sign of a confident person. A confident person usually doesn't need to be aggressive.

zapper55

Patww79 wrote: »

If you weren't happy you've have done the right thing, that's the single most important thing and comes way before his feelings/ego. The best thing to do now is not to fall back into it and do exactly what you've been doing in staying strong and keeping a good wall up towards him. A good definite line under it is better than a load of grey.

This is terrible advice and thankfully opposite to most of the advice on this thread. The way the op behaved was completely over the top and has perhaps affected his reputation in his workplace. Also keeping up a good wall sounds like an exhausting aggressive thing to do.

Ursus Horribilis

You'd better hope that this guy never becomes your manager or gets promoted into a position above yours where you work. Or, as Wiggle said, you pull this stunt on somebody else who has the measure of you.

SusieBlue

OP, think back to before your trip, before your new found confidence. If you made an off hand joke like that to a colleague and they blew up like that, how would you have felt?

It sounds like you were extremely nasty to him and I wouldn't be surprised if he took this to HR. He would most certainly have a case, how you are treating him is verging on bullying territory.
Its almost like you are trying to assert your dominance, to prove something, when there was nothing to prove.

His comments sound like the kind of banter we'd have in my office, yet I wouldn't consider anyone I work with to be a close friend and certainly wouldn't be socialising with them outside working hours.
Yet you've been friendly with your colleague for over 6 years, and you completely lost the plot? Total over reaction, and whats even worse is that you clearly know how it feels to be belittled, yet have done the same to him.

You really need to reflect on how you carry this new found confidence, particularly in your work place, because if you continue on like this you're going to be in big trouble.

dublingirlx

''Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine any brighter''

witchgirl26

OP honestly I think you completely over-reacted. If you know there was no malice intended then what was the problem. Friends do often slag and tease each other but if you know there's no malice behind it than that's all it is. You said you felt he had been having digs but nothing you could put your finger on. Is it possible that you're looking back at things and ascribing meanings to them that weren't there at the time.

It's great that you've gained confidence in yourself and I definitely agree with learning to say "no" in work to things but the way you acted doesn't show a great side to you.

In regards cutting someone out of your life - you are perfectly entitled to not have someone in your life if you don't want them. However if there's no catalyst or real reason to cut them, except that you don't like them, then you need to be a grown up and have the conversation with them. "Hey look, I'm just not enjoying spending time together anymore so I might see less of you". Completely ignoring them, especially in this case when he's trying to apologise and find out what happened, is a bit childish.

OldMrBrennan83

zapper55 wrote: »

This is terrible advice and thankfully opposite to most of the advice on this thread. The way the op behaved was completely over the top and has perhaps affected his reputation in his workplace. Also keeping up a good wall sounds like an exhausting aggressive thing to do.

It's only terrible to you because you disagree with it. If he's happier without that person in his life then they did right and need to keep them cut instead of slipping back into being unhappy. You can't live your life to please others.

Ursus Horribilis

So you think aggressively attacking someone is the way to go?

witchgirl26

Patww79 wrote: »

It's only terrible to you because you disagree with it. If he's happier without that person in his life then they did right and need to keep them cut instead of slipping back into being unhappy. You can't live your life to please others.

While I agree with you in principle in terms of removing someone from your life who doesn't make you happy, there are ways and means and the method the OP chose is not a great one. They blew up at a friend of 6 years for something they say themselves had no malice in it and won't engage with the person anymore at all. There's not slipping back into being unhappy and then there's being an ass to someone. OP could have handled the situation better.

Ursus Horribilis

Exactly. I've eased people I don't like out of my life without having to resort to the sledgehammer method. There are far more civilised ways and means of doing this.

I'm also long enough around to know that you never can tell when faces from the past can come back into your life. In general, it is better to go through life without stomping on people's toes. You have to be clever about this. Our OP seems to have realised he /she had an armoury of weapons at their disposal and went straight for the bazooka.

JeffKenna

Patww79 wrote: »

It's only terrible to you because you disagree with it. If he's happier without that person in his life then they did right and need to keep them cut instead of slipping back into being unhappy. You can't live your life to please others.

But this happened in a work environment... Hardly professional!

Cork Lass

DontLookBack wrote: »

I would have said it to him in a pub or on the street so the fact that its the workplace doesn't matter to me

It does matter and can have serious implications. Keep treating people like that at work and you end up at a disciplinary hearing - and rightly so.

bucketybuck

To me it sounds like you decided travelling made you more confident and you were looking for ways to show it, but nothing better came along so this guy and his innocuous comments had to take the hit.

You projected your own internal issues onto him and I can't see how he deserved it at all? Was he really putting you down? Really?

That's not confidence, far from it.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm aware of a situation where two colleagues weren't getting on too well in their workplace. An incident occurred between the two of them in a pub and that was taken into account when HR got involved.

Rubberchikken

One too many digs coupled with some growth in self confidence equals blowing up at someone.
The fact that youve asked for opinions means you realised you went a little too far.
From now on behaving professionally with tjis petson when need be is probably your best bet.
I dont know if you want to apologise to him or even whether he'd accept it so i wont go there.

For the future maybe hold on to the new found self confidence but temper it with some common sense.
Good luck

zoobizoo

You asked the question about other people who've had low self esteem and changed.

I have.

But I have awareness. It appears that you do not OP. My new found confidence didn't turn me in to over sensitive child who couldn't deal with someone speaking to me on a way I didn't like.

I've cut one person out of my life. Nothing to do with my confidence. I just found them to be too negative in general.

It's as if you equate confidence with ME, ME, ME!! While it should be that you can handle a slight ribbing from a colleague and having the resilience to accept it and the confidence to respond in an appropriate manner.

OldMrBrennan83

Even if the single situation didn't warrant it, it sounds like it's well warranted over all so I wouldn't worry. If your happier with them shut out then keep them shut out and don't worry one iota about them.

coolbeans

Patww79 wrote: »

If you weren't happy you've have done the right thing, that's the single most important thing and comes way before his feelings/ego. The best thing to do now is not to fall back into it and do exactly what you've been doing in staying strong and keeping a good wall up towards him. A good definite line under it is better than a load of grey.

Dreadful advice. Hostile, bitter, passive aggressive and dripping in self doubt. Don't listen to this.
OP I've made a similar transition to you and in doing that I've found that I've had to check myself from becoming arrogant and dominant rather than self assured and confident such was the change I felt from being chronically depressed without any self esteem. Don't lose your self awareness.

OldMrBrennan83

coolbeans wrote: »

Dreadful advice. Hostile, bitter, passive aggressive and dripping in self doubt. Don't listen to this.
OP I've made a similar transition to you and in doing that I've found that I've had to check myself from becoming arrogant and dominant rather than self assured and confident such was the change I felt from being chronically depressed without any self esteem. Don't lose your self awareness.

If someone has been making them feel bad for a long time then it doesn't matter about the actual incident, what matters is that they're shut out and can't do it any more. You've a short time in this world and it's dreadful advice to tell someone to waste it pleasing people who make you feel that way.

Ursus Horribilis

Oh would you give over. People aren't telling you your advice is dreadful just for the craic. Nobody here has any particular issue with the OP not wanting to hang out with this guy if he doesn't like him. The issue is with the manner he did it and the consequences of it. That you think an unnecessarily aggressive verbal attack on someone is OK says a lot about you and the way you deal with people. It was a tone-deaf, needlessly nasty way for the OP to have dealt with this guy. We've told him that there are other ways of achieving the same result that don't involve tearing strips off someone.

Blow-ups make for great TV but in real life, they aren't as effective. Largely because the person may still be physically part of one's life even if you never want to see them again. Our OP works with this guy and the souring of things between them could yet have negative consequences for him. In the short term, it's going to make social outings uncomfortable for everyone. This doesn't just affect the pair of them but their colleagues too. If they're aware of what has happened, they'll be the ones trying to make sure the pair aren't near each other and dancing to all sorts of tunes to keep the peace. Most people go to work and want a quiet life, not drama. If things change in work, our OP could end up working closely alongside this guy. Or worse still, under him. There's also the chance that if things become to be toxic in work (and they could), someone else might go to HR about it. In short, our OP's way of dealing with this guy was poor and unprofessional and may yet have consequences.

OldMrBrennan83

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Oh would you give over. People aren't telling you your advice is dreadful just for the craic. Nobody here has any particular issue with the OP not wanting to hang out with this guy if he doesn't like him. The issue is with the way he did it. That you think a needlessly aggressive verbal attack on someone is OK says a lot about you and the way you deal with people. It was a tone-deaf, needlessly nasty way for the OP to have dealt with this guy. We've told him that there are other ways of achieving the same result that don't involve tearing strips off someone. Blow-ups make for great TV but in real life, they aren't as effective. Our OP works with this guy and the souring of things between the could yet have very negative consequences for him. In the short term, it's going to make social outings very uncomfortable for everyone. Not just for the two people involved but for their colleagues who will be trying to make sure the pair aren't near each other. If things change in work, our OP could end up working closely alongside this guy. Or worse still, under this guy. There's also the chance that if things continue to be toxic in work, someone else might go to HR about it. In short, our OP's way of dealing with this guy was poor and unprofessional and may yet have consequences.

But it's done now. What do you want him to do? Make friends again so he can break things easier because you're uncomfortable with the way he's achieved the same result anyway?

Ursus Horribilis

What do you think?

Drumpot

Patww79 wrote: »

If someone has been making them feel bad for a long time then it doesn't matter about the actual incident, what matters is that they're shut out and can't do it any more. You've a short time in this world and it's dreadful advice to tell someone to waste it pleasing people who make you feel that way.

This post is promoting a self centered approach to dealing with others. The problem with this approach is when you don’t show consideration for others and lack the insight to self regulate/reflect on your own behavior/responses to those around us. It also leads to future incidents and relationships where you don’t understand why people are starting to react in the same selfish, obnoxious manner (karma).

How I perceive how others treat me is not necessarily the reality of their intentions or what Is actually hapoening. It’s taken me a long time to learn this and part of the process was reflecting on my feelings and subsequent reactions to situations that brought on strong feelings...

I think it was Helen Mirren said, that she wished she had learned at a younger age to tell people to f**k off if the situation required it. But there are subtle ways you can do this and most people/situations don’t require such an aggressive response. Sometimes when I get angry, I’m not fully in control of my faculties and the emotional part of my brain takes over which leads to a less then balanced response and usually drags up old resentments that have nothing to do with a current issue.

To answer the OPs original question, I’ve taken ownership of the relationships I have and the time I spend with people. If toxic people are in my life I take responsibility for me allowing them take up my time. Depending on who they are (family/friends) i limit my exposure to them and don’t jump to their calls.
Sometimes I purposely delay getting back to them until I feel ok with it. It’s not passive aggression it’s just that sometimes I need to have a certain energy to spend time talking with them.

This is to me a healthy , adult response. I didn’t need to attack anybody and just subtly built a wall around the relationship I had with certain people. Sometimes I need to reinforce this wall and sometimes I have to close the borders but I try to not be as absolute as I used to be. I am more content with this balanced approach and don’t feel as much anger or resentment as a result.

Life is hard and very short. But it’s also an opportunity to grow and learn as we go along. This includes actively learning/practicing humility and reigning in ego when it’s taken over the show. I’ve tried this through meditation and certain Buddhist teachings that doesn’t have me a monk but challenged my thinking and assumptions on things. It also helps me take responsibility for my actions and how I treat people.

The simple fact is that I can’t change how other people think or react in general but I can change how I react to them. This is at the core of the OPs original point. There was a much better way of handling the situation with your work colleague but until you recognize that you will more then likely continue to over react to negative situations and justify it with an belligerent “well I felt better so it must be right for me” which is just all wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers so far. I did have a long look at how I dealt with this issue and although, yes, I probably could have told him this outside of work, I don't feel the effects are as bad as some have stated. We don't talk anymore, he has taken the hint now and there is no mediation as such, I am not planning to socialise with him again, that's not an issue. Nobody is walking on eggshells, they don't even know about it. The office is big enough that we aren't sitting together all day every day so although someone might (or not!) in a few months say "Oh the guys aren't speaking anymore" its not going to affect any of our work and im sure if he does ever become my boss he will just stay out of my way.
I still don't think there is any other way to tell someone you don't appreciate their digs anymore.

fineso.mom

Dont Look Back wrote: »

Thanks for the answers so far. I did have a long look at how I dealt with this issue and although, yes, I probably could have told him this outside of work, I don't feel the effects are as bad as some have stated. We don't talk anymore, he has taken the hint now and there is no mediation as such, I am not planning to socialise with him again, that's not an issue. Nobody is walking on eggshells, they don't even know about it. The office is big enough that we aren't sitting together all day every day so although someone might (or not!) in a few months say "Oh the guys aren't speaking anymore" its not going to affect any of our work and im sure if he does ever become my boss he will just stay out of my way.
I still don't think there is any other way to tell someone you don't appreciate their digs anymore.

"Can I talk to you about something John? I'm sure theres no malice intended but I feel like youve been taking digs at me lately. Id appreciate it if you would stop. Thanks. Heres the figures for the monthly report. Have a good weekend,I might see you at the match Sunday. "

zoobizoo

fineso.mom wrote: »

"Can I talk to you about something John? I'm sure theres no malice intended but I feel like youve been taking digs at me lately. Id appreciate it if you would stop. Thanks. Heres the figures for the monthly report. Have a good weekend,I might see you at the match Sunday. "

That's the confident adult approach.

"Jaysus OP, I didn't realise that my slagging was having such a negative impact on you. Sorry about that. Listen, I'll buy you a few pints after work on Friday to make up fre it. Again, sorry about that man"

Big Bag of Chips

Dont Look Back wrote: »

I still don't think there is any other way to tell someone you don't appreciate their digs anymore.

Fair enough. Not much point letting the thread run for others to offer advice in that case, OP.

All the best.