Manager referred to my age.....

Miseme01

Hi, just looking for a bit of perspective. I joined my current employment early this year. It is a large organisation with a lot of opportunity for advancement. I work with a mix of co-workers but the only co-worker at the same grade as me is considerably younger than me.

My manager is also new to the organisation and it is his first managerial role. We have a good relationship and he has often acknowledged my experience & performance. My recent pmds was very favourable. However today I was having a conversation wIth him and he brought up my younger co-worker and how he wants to take her under his wing and help her along to advance which I thought was very admirable. He then went on to say it obviously wouldn't be the same for me as I am in a different position, thinking he was referring to my experience I asked him to explain and he said 'well no offence but she is nearly 20 years younger than you'. With the inference being I woudnt be looking to advance at my age. I was dumbfounded but said nothing at the time thinking he mustn't realise how bad it sounded. I left it for a while but went back in to him to explain how shocked & hurt I was, he was very apologetic and said he didn't mean it the way it sounded.

However my question is did I do the right thing by having it out with him? I certainly felt better but I dont want there to be any bad feeling. I am still a bit shocked tbh.

🀔

listermint

Manager says that you are more experienced due to your age and length of time in workplace.

Where's the outrage
...

myshirt

If it hasn't 'happened for you' at the age you are at, ask yourself why?

Separately, you may be mixing up legal responsibility for non discrimination based on age, with something that is an entirely different issue.

And listermint is mixing up 20 years experience with 1 years experience repeated 20 times. There's a difference.

Miseme01

listermint wrote: »

Manager says that you are more experienced due to your age and length of time in workplace.

Where's the outrage
...

Thanks for the reply, I may not have explained it well but the inference was I wouldn't be looking to advance myself due to my age.

gimli2112

It was a stupid thing to say but it may just have come out wrong. He may have been just trying to say something like you don't need the same kind of supervision because of your experience. You seem to have handled it very well, no damage done and carry on.

I generally allow managers numerous fkups before I become their nemesis.

VonZan

Miseme01 wrote: »

Hi, just looking for a bit of perspective. I joined my current employment early this year. It is a large organisation with a lot of opportunity for advancement. I work with a mix of co-workers but the only co-worker at the same grade as me is considerably younger than me.

My manager is also new to the organisation and it is his first managerial role. We have a good relationship and he has often acknowledged my experience & performance. My recent pmds was very favourable. However today I was having a conversation wIth him and he brought up my younger co-worker and how he wants to take her under his wing and help her along to advance which I thought was very admirable. He then went on to say it obviously wouldn't be the same for me as I am in a different position, thinking he was referring to my experience I asked him to explain and he said 'well no offence but she is nearly 20 years younger than you'. I was dumbfounded but said nothing at the time thinking he mustn't realise how bad it sounded. I left it for a while but went back in to him to explain how shocked & hurt I was, he was very apologetic and said he didn't mean it the way it sounded.

However my question is did I do the right thing by having it out with him? I certainly felt better but I dont want there to be any bad feeling. I am still a bit shocked tbh.

🀔

I would question it if she was being groomed for a senior role but it just sounds to me as if he's letting you know he's going to paying extra attention to this employee because she needs it and doesn't have the experience you have.

I don't think it's good to 'have it out' with management when you're less than a year into the role.

Eric Cartman

Miseme01 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply, I may not have explained it well but the inference was I wouldn't be looking to advance myself due to my age.

The manager could have meant training up the younger person to your standard and that you didn't need any more training or assistance from management.

Is there likely a position for upward advancement to come up in the remainder of your career that you would be competing with this other 'younger person' for ?

you wouldn't have a case unless you could show you were overlooked for promotion based on age, if theres no promotion to hand out then you'll never get that opportunity to either be promoted or claim discrimination.

Eric Cartman

VonZan wrote: »

I would question it if she was being groomed for a senior role but it just sounds to me as if he's letting you know he's going to paying extra attention to this employee because she needs it and doesn't have the experience you have.

Could also be an older man trying to have an affair and is playing nice to the young female in the office, but that wouldn't be OP's complaint to file.

Miseme01

Eric Cartman wrote: »

The manager could have meant training up the younger person to your standard and that you didn't need any more training or assistance from management.

Is there likely a position for upward advancement to come up in the remainder of your career that you would be competing with this other 'younger person' for ?

you wouldn't have a case unless you could show you were overlooked for promotion based on age, if theres no promotion to hand out then you'll never get that opportunity to either be promoted or claim discrimination.

Yes there will be internal positions we would both be applying for in the future.

Miseme01

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Could also be an older man trying to have an affair and is playing nice to the young female in the office, but that wouldn't be OP's complaint to file.

Oh crikey no, really nothing like that😅

Eric Cartman

Miseme01 wrote: »

Yes there will be internal positions we would both be applying for in the future.

Ok, well I suppose deal with it when that time comes up, startling the manager could even have given you an edge in his fear of being accused of discrimination ha.

Snotty

Sounds like a complete over reaction from you, it sounds like he said you don't need the guidness she does, this is a positive for you and you've turn it I to a confrontation with your manager. No doubt this is going to have a negative impact on your future with this manager.

Part of working with a team or just with peers is not over reacting at every little conversation were it's possible to infer some insult when it none was meant.

neonsofa

To be honest I would think the younger girl in this situation would have more to be offended about (not that offence seems to be warranted by anyone really). It seems a bit patronising to the woman he was referring to imo rather than insulting to you. But it's always good to seek clarification I guess.

Ardent

Complete overreaction.

jimmycrackcorm

Miseme01 wrote:

Thanks for the reply, I may not have explained it well but the inference was I wouldn't be looking to advance myself due to my age.

Sounds like paranoia to me. Surely it's obvious that someone work 20 years less experience needs more help?

Eric Cartman wrote:

Could also be an older man trying to have an affair and is playing nice to the young female in the office, but that wouldn't be OP's complaint to file.

Some might suggest that is a mysogynist response.

OMM 0000

I can absolutely get where he was coming from.

I know nothing about you so I'm going to make up a story.

There's a 20 year old who's a team leader. And there's a 40 year old who's a team leader.

It seems the 20 year old has a lot of potential. And maybe the 40 year old isn't too ambitious or has gone as far as she wants to go.

So he's thinking, this 20 year could go places so I'm going to help her.

I think it's all coming from a place of kindness. I think there's no malice at all.

Now should he have mentioned your age? Probably not.

By all means you could explain to him that you do want to continue to advance your career, and is it possible he could show you the route forward too.

If you had a good relationship with your manager before this, I think you should try to continue having a good relationship with him.

Miseme01

Thanks for all your replies, all sorted, had a great conversation with him and any misunderstanding was cleared up. I'm glad I approached it with him and he fully acknowledged it was inappropriate and it also opened up the opportunity to set out my stall! So all good.

gimli2112

I said it already I think you handled it really well (based on the limited information) An overreaction would have been a screaming match, involving HR (they love being given stuff to do) and just a really bad situation over a misunderstanding. I'm always surprised how many people are prepared to go nuclear without first having a rational discussion over the issue.
It helps you get on with your manager and this shouldn't have harmed that relationship at all.

dunleakelleher

Miseme01 wrote: »

With the inference being I woudnt be looking to advance at my age

but that's only your illation.
and he reaffirm he didn't mean it that way and apologise.

so I think you are overthinking it.
Or you may be angry at him for choosing this person over you and are verbalising your anger... and that is ok too. But it is important to name the source of anger correctly and not blame the age thing that clearly wasn't meant to offend.

stinkbomb

listermint wrote: »

Manager says that you are more experienced due to your age and length of time in workplace.

Where's the outrage
...

No, manager says you will get no help to advance as you're old yet your younger colleagues will get advantages denied to you.
OP and her colleague are at the same level, any advantages given on the basis of youth are unfair and discriminatory.


And what outrage?

listermint

stinkbomb wrote: »

No, manager says you will get no help to advance as you're old yet your younger colleagues will get advantages denied to you.
OP and her colleague are at the same level, any advantages given on the basis of youth are unfair and discriminatory.


And what outrage?

Following me around are you ?

Any DIY advice.ill be there next.

stinkbomb

?? Was that a response to my post? I don't get it. Do you need DIY advice?

seamus

OMM 0000 wrote: »

I can absolutely get where he was coming from.
...

What this man says.

He may simply have misread the situation and considered that because you were that bit older, you were "settled" where you were.

Glad you cleared it up. This is a learning curve for him too, being his first managerial role. One of the harder management tasks is managing peers. Managing a team full of fresh-faced graduates is easy. They naturally look up to you and defer to you on matters of experience.

Managing people who are close to your own age (or older than you!), can be quite daunting for a new manager because "managing" them feels patronising.

A manager can also risk falling into the "friend" trap, where you treat the younger team members as subordinates and the older team members as comrades. This can benefit the older team members in that they're usually freer to do with that they want, but with the flipside that they're more likely to be overlooked for promotion.

Diziet

Yes you did the right thing. One of the benefits of age and experience is to have the confidence to call out such discriminatory remarks. Your manager was apologetic, and will think twice in future. Sorted.

Put it another way, if we don't call these things out, people think they are ok, and they are not. So well done.

Zipppy

Miseme01 wrote:

Thanks for all your replies, all sorted, had a great conversation with him and any misunderstanding was cleared up. I'm glad I approached it with him and he fully acknowledged it was inappropriate and it also opened up the opportunity to set out my stall! So all good.

You see.....he was correct...
Because you have such experience you were able to handle the situation correctly.. a younger person may not...so well done...

Snotty

Yes and playing the victim over innocent conversations will ensure you continue to share your job with people 20 years your junior and wondering why "they" always get promoted.

Miseme01

Snotty wrote: »

Sounds like a complete over reaction from you, it sounds like he said you don't need the guidness she does, this is a positive for you and you've turn it I to a confrontation with your manager. No doubt this is going to have a negative impact on your future with this manager.

Part of working with a team or just with peers is not over reacting at every little conversation were it's possible to infer some insult when it none was meant.

You really are a nasty little character.....just as well I really don't need to work then and am only working for pleasure

Widdensushi

Miseme01 wrote: »

You really are a nasty little character.....just as well I really don't need to work then and am only working for pleasure

Doesnt sound very pleasurable at the moment.

OMM 0000

Snotty wrote: »

Sounds like a complete over reaction from you, it sounds like he said you don't need the guidness she does, this is a positive for you and you've turn it I to a confrontation with your manager. No doubt this is going to have a negative impact on your future with this manager.

Part of working with a team or just with peers is not over reacting at every little conversation were it's possible to infer some insult when it none was meant.

Miseme01 wrote: »

You really are a nasty little character.....just as well I really don't need to work then and am only working for pleasure

I'm beginning to see a trend here.

Do you tend to see the worst in things, and overreact?

Snotty

Miseme01 wrote: »

You really are a nasty little character.....just as well I really don't need to work then and am only working for pleasure

Real mature attitude, when faced with a personality trait that is likely to hold you back, instead of acknowledging it or maybe correcting a misconception, you just state you don't need the job anyway, so will continue to overreact and play the victim.

skallywag

My initial reaction was that you interpreted the situation poorly and subsequently reacted badly. No big deal, it can happen to anyone, and you managed to resolve it.

Going on your latest comment though ...

Miseme01 wrote: »

You really are a nasty little character.....just as well I really don't need to work then and am only working for pleasure

... it really leads me to think that you are trouble. Snotty's opinion of the situation is just as valid as anyone elses, and I'm at a loss as to why you reacted like that to him.

I don't think I would like you as part of my team in any case.

wakka12

I dont see how it was an overreaction. If somebody ever says 'no offence' it means theyre saying something thats not very nice

If he just meant that she/he doesnt need the same supervision as the younger coworker because of his experience then he wouldnt have said no offence, if he meant no offence he wouldnt have said 'no offence'

One eyed Jack

Miseme01 wrote: »

However my question is did I do the right thing by having it out with him? I certainly felt better but I dont want there to be any bad feeling. I am still a bit shocked tbh.

🀔

You did the right thing OP IMO by going back and having it out with him, thereby clearing up any confusion over what appears to be a simple misunderstanding. In a diverse workplace with people with different perspectives and personalities, good communication isn’t just beneficial to everyone, it’s essential, for a whole number of reasons. Best to clear up any misunderstandings immediately in the moment rather than let them fester and have you think negatively of the person for something they said that was never intended the way you heard it.

Manager LoveHandles

myshirt wrote: »

If it hasn't 'happened for you' at the age you are at, ask yourself why?

Separately, you may be mixing up legal responsibility for non discrimination based on age, with something that is an entirely different issue.

And listermint is mixing up 20 years experience with 1 years experience repeated 20 times. There's a difference.

listermint?

rn

Well done on "training" that personnel manager in one aspect of first level people management.

Having said that, there's a conundrum that many first line managers have to reconcile in many large to very large companies.

The basic legal requirement to be equal opportunity versus enacting company directives that target special groups to achieve some corporate desire.

Many companies have "rapid acceleration" programmes that identify young potential leaders for special education and mentoring programmes aimed at catapulting them up the ladder faster than their peers. So if you've 20 years on your peers, the company won't be giving you a leg up.

Lately, in my industry, there is a further focus to put special support for females to progress. (I work in an industry that's male dominated).

So basically what that means if you are middle-aged male, the same opportunity to progress is available to you, but you won't be getting any specific help.