I like him....he doesn't like me?

LegacyUser · 15-10-2018 7:25pm #1

I have known a guy for 2 years, always got on really well and talk and laugh for ages whenever we saw each other.

He moved county a year ago this month. One night I was on viber and saw he was online too. It was about 11pm and yes I had drank some wine.

I messaged him asking how he was and we sent a few messages. I told him I was going with friends for 2 nights (where he is living) and asked if he wanted to get some lunch or a drink while I was there. He said yes and I met him. We had drinks, talked until 4am and he stayed with me that night. He was working the next day (1pm to 9pm) and left after we had a coffee.

Fast forward a year and I have met him 6 times now with him staying the night each time. He works weekends and always leaves for work the next day. The friends I go with are getting married at Christmas and saving. Weekends away are stopping because they need to save. They know I meet him and they do their own thing the night I meet him. They like the alone time too.

Last weekend, we (friends) went away Friday night after work. I met him Saturday night and again he stayed. He left for work next day and as usual chatted away and then said goodbye.

The last few weeks, I can't get him out of my head. He makes me laugh like nobody else. We can and do talk about anything. He's gorgeous. It's like a light went off in my head and I think I want more. When we are together, he doesn't look at other girls, pays me an odd compliment, he laughs a lot, it's like we are a happy couple. There is a chemistry between us.

But.....I'm 39 and he's 31. I don't look that but it's a big gap. I message first, he always responds. He doesn't message first. I suggest meeting when I'm in his county, he doesn't suggest coming to mine. I have told him to text me if he's in my county, (he has no reason to be here) but he hasn't come back in the year since he left.

I don't think he's "into me", he has never suggested meeting or contacts me first. He has never given me any reason to think or told me he fancies me. I want to stay friends rather than saying something and loosing him/freaking him out as he clearly doesn't feel the same BUT I'm falling for him. I don't want to be a fb, I want more.

How do I forget about him "that way" and just see him as a friend, has anybody else felt this and got over it or do I not contact him again and forget he exists? It's not as if he will contact me if I don't!

Sorry for long post but I need somebody to talk some sence to me.

mj123 · 15-10-2018 8:40pm

You make it sound like this situation is wrong by asking us to “talk sense” into you. You find qualities in him that are attractive and have romantic feelings for him there is nothing wrong with that.

By what you have written it sounds like he does not see you in a romantic way as he is not asking to meet up or text first. However have you given him a chance to? What is the longest length of time been between contact and seeing each other? I ask because it sounds like you are the one doing all the chasing which is driven by your infatuation and anxiety over the whole thing.

He is probably not arsed visiting your county if he has just moved to a new county why would he bother especially if his work is there.

You are not going to forget about him so asking how you can forget is silly. You can however make a decision based on how you feel. Ask yourself what you want. Is it friendship or more. If you want friendship then you need to back off texting and meeting him a bit and go out and date someone else. If you want more then you should convey your feelings to him. Who knows what he will say. If he ends a solid good friendship over how you feel then it wasn’t a true friendship to begin with

professore · 15-10-2018 9:17pm

OP, to be clear, are you having sex when he stays over? If so it's obvious you are just a friend with benefits for him and nothing will ever come from it. If not he could be painfully dense in the field of women - not beyond the realms of possibility - and not getting that you are into him.

LegacyUser · 15-10-2018 9:18pm

It sounds like he does not see you in a romantic way as he is not asking to meet up or text first.

This is what I would think about someone else if I read my post as another person.

However have you given him a chance to?

He just never has. If I don't message for a month, he doesn't.

What is the longest length of time been between contact and seeing each other?

Two months.

He is probably not arsed visiting your county if he has just moved to a new county why would he bother especially if his work is there.

I'd like to think if he saw me as a friend, he would visit to see me.

Ask yourself what you want. Is it friendship or more.

I want more but his actions say he doesn't. I would prefer to have him as a friend than nothing, but I don't know if I can see him as a friend knowing I have started to get feelings for him. I went on a few dates but had no spark and the things I look for are qualities he has, the other guys didn't have.

LegacyUser · 15-10-2018 9:25pm

OP, to be clear, are you having sex when he stays over?

Yes.

If so it's obvious you are just a friend with benefits for him and nothing will ever come from it.

I don't want to be a friend with benefits to him. While I know what you are saying is true, it hurts to hear, but I need to hear it.

ginandtonicsky · 15-10-2018 9:55pm

Are you hooking up with him?

If so, he’s clearly just going along for the ride (pardon pun). The lack of effort on his side but happy enough to go along with things when you initiate screams casual fwb

LegacyUser · 15-10-2018 10:05pm

Are you hooking up with him?

Not the first two times but after that, yes. Knowing him before we ever hooked up, there always seemed to be some spark there.

The lack of effort on his side but happy enough to go along with things when you initiate screams casual fwb

What I don't want to hear but what I need to hear.

mj123 · 16-10-2018 10:25am

If you are/have slept with him then you need to take a massive step back. I’m beginning to question is this a friendship at all. Friends communicate regularly meet up have the craic etc, this guy only give you this when you contact him. He knows you like him, people can sense this, hence why he is taking advantage of the sex/intimacy when it presents itself.

OP, you say a friendship is what you want more, but this isn’t a friendship it’s a FWB scenario. IMO, you can’t possibly have a genuine true friendship with this person based on his actions that you state here. Plus I think deep down you want a ‘friendship’ as a means of holding him in your life in some way as you have a deep infatuation for him. Which I understand I’ve been there and it’s normal, but from my perspective this can’t happen. Sooner or later you will need to let go of the romantic feelings and only then can you be friends but I wouldn’t hold out if he’s not even communicating with you.

LegacyUser · 16-10-2018 11:23am

If you are/have slept with him then you need to take a massive step back.

I have. Not the first few times, that happened gradually.

I’m beginning to question is this a friendship at all. Friends communicate regularly meet up have the craic etc, this guy only give you this when you contact him.

There's posts on Insta and Facebook but not texts unless I send first. But yes, it is only meeting when I say I'll be in his county.

OP, you say a friendship is what you want more, but this isn’t a friendship it’s a FWB scenario.

That's exactly what I don't want but writing it down, it does look just like that.

IMO, you can’t possibly have a genuine true friendship. Sooner or later you will need to let go of the romantic feelings and only then can you be friends but I wouldn’t hold out if he’s not even communicating with you.

I'd like to be friends and not feel this way, I only realised how I feel after last time, I hadn't thought about him before like that. It's opening up about fears and childhood and that closeness both inside and outside of the bedroom that have made me look at him in a very different light. I do need to step back and not contact him as the more I think about him, the more I know I want more.

ElizaBennett · 16-10-2018 1:36pm

I agree this isn't a real friendship at the moment and you're probably hurting yourself by continuing with it as things are. If I were you I'd hold off on contacting him at all in future. If he has previously taken you for granted then he just might start to think about you and miss you and maybe realise that you two could be a good couple. If he doesn't he doesn't and it'll just fizzle out. If you continue as you are then nothing will change, you'll hook up every month until he falls in love with someone else and you hear no more from him. Save yourself that hurt x

LegacyUser · 16-10-2018 5:37pm

If I were you I'd hold off on contacting him at all in future. If he has previously taken you for granted then he just might start to think about you and miss you and maybe realise that you two could be a good couple. If he doesn't he doesn't and it'll just fizzle out.

I know you are right, it's easier said than done. I have no reason to be in his county now my friends aren't up for going away.

If you continue as you are then nothing will change, you'll hook up every month until he falls in love with someone else and you hear no more from him.

It's only this week I realised how much that would hurt me before. I hadn't even considered that before.

mj123 · 16-10-2018 8:10pm

what does your gut tell you to do OP?

LegacyUser · 16-10-2018 8:32pm

what does your gut tell you to do OP?

Gut says we have a connection that's more than a one night thing but him not contacting me first sometimes says he's not interested.

ElizaBennett · 17-10-2018 8:42am

OP what is the whole feeling you get around the sex and staying over and morning after etc? Is it all really warm and affectionate? Does it feel like you're in a relationship with him or is it more clinical? I'm not sure if anything can be read into this but I'm just wondering is this what makes you think there's a spark and something real there? Do you hold each other all night and kiss in the morning etc?
Having been in love with someone in a difficult situation that had no future, the ONLY thing that finally cured me was distance. I did 7 weeks straight of no contact whatsoever and that broke the back of it. I had to still see him occasionally as he was in my work place and I didn't stop liking and respecting him, but it gave me the distance to figure out it was never going to happen and to say goodbye to the whole idea. I didn't take any steps backwards after that either. Up until then I was hanging on every little bread crumb I got and watching and waiting for contact continuously - talk about a headwreck! So really distance is the best cure but I guess you're already getting substantial lengths of time apart and that isn't removing him from your head. You might need to have it out with him, say it's not working for you as you're getting more invested and break off contact - probably for good.

ManOfMystery · 17-10-2018 10:14am

General consensus here seems to be that the guy only views this setup as booty call and nothing more.

That could be the case. It could also be the case that he's just happy to go along with things as they are and is happy to let you take the dominant role of arranging things because he thinks that's all you want, and because - subconsciously or not - he may see you as more experienced due to the age gap.

Men (and I'm including myself here) sometimes have a habit of not changing the status quo and just going along with things. Sometimes we need a kick in the hole. Why don't you talk to him and feel out the situation, you could make a few choice comments about going for lunch/dinner or an outing some day and gauge his response?

LegacyUser · 17-10-2018 12:55pm

what is the whole feeling you get around the sex and staying over and morning after etc? Is it all really warm and affectionate? Does it feel like you're in a relationship with him or is it more clinical?

The next morning is always the same. I wake up in his arms or if not he wraps his arms around me and we talk for a while, then kiss and it leads to sex, normally happens twice. When we talk it's those little things that you only tell certain people, if that makes sense. Yeah, it's warm, there's a closeness for me.

I did 7 weeks straight of no contact whatsoever and that broke the back of it. So really distance is the best cure but I guess.

I tried, got to 4 weeks and caved.

You might need to have it out with him, say it's not working for you as you're getting more invested and break off contact - probably for good.

I want to say something but don't know what to say or how to say it in a way that's not needy but I won't be hurt either if he doesn't want anything.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2018 1:00pm

General consensus here seems to be that the guy only views this setup as booty call and nothing more.

It probably is and what I need to hear.

It could also be the case that he's just happy to go along with things as they are and is happy to let you take the dominant role of arranging things because he thinks that's all you want, and because - subconsciously or not - he may see you as more experienced due to the age gap.

We have never spoken about anything else, we talk about absolutely everything else but that.

Why don't you talk to him and feel out the situation, you could make a few choice comments about going for lunch/dinner or an outing some day and gauge his response?

This might sound stupid but I don't know what to say. We always eat in a pub and go to a cafe next day. I don't want to sound needy so whatever I say it'll have to be more a casual way than blunt but I just don't have the words and I don't want to make a mess of it either.

ManOfMystery · 17-10-2018 3:05pm

Headrecked0 wrote: »

General consensus here seems to be that the guy only views this setup as booty call and nothing more.

It probably is and what I need to hear.

It could also be the case that he's just happy to go along with things as they are and is happy to let you take the dominant role of arranging things because he thinks that's all you want, and because - subconsciously or not - he may see you as more experienced due to the age gap.

We have never spoken about anything else, we talk about absolutely everything else but that.

Why don't you talk to him and feel out the situation, you could make a few choice comments about going for lunch/dinner or an outing some day and gauge his response?

This might sound stupid but I don't know what to say. We always eat in a pub and go to a cafe next day. I don't want to sound needy so whatever I say it'll have to be more a casual way than blunt but I just don't have the words and I don't want to make a mess of it either.

You don't have to overthink it. Something that's not a pub or cafe or a prelude to going back to yours. Something like a trip somewhere for an afternoon - hiking, beach, forest walk, etc - it's a 'couples' kind of activity and nothing to do with sex so there's a clear distinction made.

Just keep it casual and ask if he would like to do it, if he says yes immediately it's a good sign. If he's making an excuse or thinking overly hard about it then you just have to say "no problem, no harm done if you're not feeling like it" and you have your answer.

ElizaBennett · 17-10-2018 3:21pm

Good idea above to suggest a very 'coupley' activity preferably a day time thing. Or even the cinema - anything that isn't the pub and sex. Gauge his reaction.
I don't think you should worry about seeming 'needy.' Be confident about what you want - there's nothing wrong with liking someone and wanting to try take things to the next level. If he's not into it he can just say so and I know you'll be crushed but you will still have your dignity if you end the loose 'relationship' you have. What could be more dignified and less needy?
Put it out there - confidently and calmly and pleasantly - and if he doesn't want anything more than the occasional hook up then I'm afraid you have to call a halt to things as you'll never get what you want.

ginandtonicsky · 17-10-2018 3:25pm

If a guy was only messaging me to meet him for drinks the day before he was going to be in my town and only ever wanted to meet for drinks late in the evening, I'd be thinking he wanted one thing and one thing only.

So i agree that the messaging and dates need to change. Text him a week ahead next time and ask him if he'd like to visit a museum or grab a coffee and a movie, maybe go for a long walk somewhere. Something that doesn't obviously lead to Dutch courage and having sex.

Does he talk to you about his love life, women he's dating etc? I always find when a guy isn't romantically interested in me, he has no qualms about making comments or sharing that kind of info with me - when he is, he's a bit more self-aware and doesn't want me to think he's a player, dating multiple women, etc.

Even if he's not telling you - do you know anything about his love life? Has he had prior relationships or is he "perpetually single"? Does he want to settle down and have a family, etc?

LegacyUser · 17-10-2018 7:18pm

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Good idea above to suggest a very 'coupley' activity preferably a day time thing. Or even the cinema - anything that isn't the pub and sex. Gauge his reaction.

A part from walking around his town and eating dinner, going for breakfast, there hasn't been any other "couply" things so I'll try think of something fun that he's into too.

Put it out there - confidently and calmly and pleasantly - and if he doesn't want anything more than the occasional hook up then I'm afraid you have to call a halt to things as you'll never get what you want.

I know I have to for my own sake, I just need to find the confidence.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2018 7:26pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

If a guy was only messaging me to meet him for drinks the day before he was going to be in my town and only ever wanted to meet for drinks late in the evening, I'd be thinking he wanted one thing and one thing only.

We always arranged the weekends away at the start of the month for the end of the month, coincides with payday. I gave him a few weeks notice, not the day before.

Does he talk to you about his love life, women he's dating etc?

He has told me about 2 ex's. They were a year or two, just things didn't work out. When I mentioned an ex, he changed the subject. Nothing else. He has told me about a few girl friends but I believe that, he has told me about their boyfriend's, husbands etc.

Does he want to settle down and have a family, etc?

I do remember a drunk conversation about that, I think we both agreed that was a someday thing.

ManOfMystery · 17-10-2018 9:15pm

Headrecked0 wrote: »

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Good idea above to suggest a very 'coupley' activity preferably a day time thing. Or even the cinema - anything that isn't the pub and sex. Gauge his reaction.

A part from walking around his town and eating dinner, going for breakfast, there hasn't been any other "couply" things so I'll try think of something fun that he's into too.

Put it out there - confidently and calmly and pleasantly - and if he doesn't want anything more than the occasional hook up then I'm afraid you have to call a halt to things as you'll never get what you want.

I know I have to for my own sake, I just need to find the confidence.

You've seen each other naked I presume, this should be a walk in the park

LegacyUser · 17-10-2018 9:20pm

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You've seen each other naked I presume, this should be a walk in the park

Many times and that's a million times easier than telling him how I feel. Ridiculous isn't it. It's the fear of rejection.

Skibunny77 · 18-10-2018 5:49am

Op, I think you should simply be straight with him. Text if you can't communicate directly, it gives him a chance to give a measured response. Be straight. There is absolutely no shame in developing feelings for someone you are sleeping with!
I don't think he feels the same. I don't think he sees you as a friend, he certainly doesn't treat you like one. You never have to wonder whether a guy likes you. You cave, he doesn't- because he doesn't miss you or think about you in the way you do. He is perfectly fine if this fizzles out. I think sharing your feelings with him will help you move on.
Don't hope for friendship. This isn't friendship. Best of luck OP

deise08 · 18-10-2018 6:04am

When you travel to his county, you obviously are booked in somewhere..
Have you ever been to where he lives?

LegacyUser · 18-10-2018 8:36am

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Op, I think you should simply be straight with him. Text if you can't communicate directly, it gives him a chance to give a measured response. Be straight. There is absolutely no shame in developing feelings for someone you are sleeping with!
I don't think he feels the same. I don't think he sees you as a friend, he certainly doesn't treat you like one. You never have to wonder whether a guy likes you. You cave, he doesn't- because he doesn't miss you or think about you in the way you do. He is perfectly fine if this fizzles out. I think sharing your feelings with him will help you move on.
Don't hope for friendship. This isn't friendship. Best of luck OP

Deep down I do agree with you.

LegacyUser · 18-10-2018 8:40am

deise08 wrote: »

When you travel to his county, you obviously are booked in somewhere..
Have you ever been to where he lives?

Yes, the town where he is from is 30 minutes from his house and we stay at an air b&b in the town. He lives at home, he finished a masters last year and is saving to buy a house. I have been at his house once (his familt werent there) and met 2 of his work colleagues.

Magicmatilda · 19-10-2018 11:12am

Who pays for the Airbnb?

It sounds like you are a nice diversion for him but nothing more. Every few months, he gets to have. Night out and a shag with a woman he finds it easy to spend time with. No commitment, no hassle. Why wouldn't he enjoy that.

You are going to have to address this with him. The sooner you do, if he doesn't feel the aame, which I suspect he doesn't, then the sooner you move on.

LegacyUser · 19-10-2018 1:19pm

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Who pays for the Airbnb?

It sounds like you are a nice diversion for him but nothing more. Every few months, he gets to have. Night out and a shag with a woman he finds it easy to spend time with. No commitment, no hassle. Why wouldn't he enjoy that.

You are going to have to address this with him. The sooner you do, if he doesn't feel the aame, which I suspect he doesn't, then the sooner you move on.

I pay because we (friends) book it months in advance. He pays for dinner and breakfast and we get drinks in rounds.

I think you are right in what you are saying. I know it's going to be hard to move on. I'm not going to contact him in the next few weeks and see from that. If he doesn't text me, I'll just have to move on.

zapper55 · 19-10-2018 9:16pm

Yeah but what if he does text? Will you drop everything? Look you are stopping yourself meeting someone because of him. Treat yourself with kindness and respect and ask him what the story is. Anything is better than this huge mind**** limbo.

buried · 19-10-2018 10:26pm

End it and move on OP, but don't look on this as a bad thing, ending this situation will place you in a situation of control where at least you will exactly know where you stand for once. You know this isn't right so why continue to put up with it? Your own primordial intuition is screaming at you to move from this, so you should really listen to it because your own intuition is no joke. And zapper55 is totally right above me there when they say this noise going on with this guy is preventing you meeting somebody else who won't give you this sort of grief. It's difficult to move on at the start, I know that game well myself, but there is also massive power in doing so. You take back control. You loose the noise blasting at you wearing you down. You sound like a really sound lady and you deserve better than all this useless noise, and you'll get it too no doubt, but you must move on from this and keep moving so you can allow something much better to come along and notice it. Best of luck

LegacyUser · 20-10-2018 8:51am

You need to be quite clinical here OP.
You've met each other 6 times in 1 year. ..That averages out as once every 8 weeks.
Yes some could argue he's using you as a booty call, but you're 50% of the equation here,& you're letting this happen. If you're happy with the status quo grand, but clearly you're not. So you need to address it by having a mature adult conversation- take charge- say "I can't keep meeting you , I need more from a relationship/whatever we call this". Let HIM do the running if he wants to pursue you.

LegacyUser · 20-10-2018 7:31pm

Yeah but what if he does text? Will you drop everything? Look you are stopping yourself meeting someone because of him. Treat yourself with kindness and respect and ask him what the story is. Anything is better than this huge mind**** limbo.[/QUOTE]

I say I won't but I honestly don't know. I know I have no interest in bring with anybody else, it would be wrong to go on any dates, it wouldn't be fair on any guy. I'm going on holidays at the end of the month, hoping that will help clear my head.

LegacyUser · 20-10-2018 7:35pm

buried wrote: »

End it and move on OP, but don't look on this as a bad thing, ending this situation will place you in a situation of control where at least you will exactly know where you stand for once. You know this isn't right so why continue to put up with it? Your own primordial intuition is screaming at you to move from this, so you should really listen to it because your own intuition is no joke. And zapper55 is totally right above me there when they say this noise going on with this guy is preventing you meeting somebody else who won't give you this sort of grief. It's difficult to move on at the start, I know that game well myself, but there is also massive power in doing so. You take back control. You loose the noise blasting at you wearing you down. You sound like a really sound lady and you deserve better than all this useless noise, and you'll get it too no doubt, but you must move on from this and keep moving so you can allow something much better to come along and notice it. Best of luck

I know you are right, I just thought if there was ANY chance then I would love to try a relationship with him but guys show when they are interested in that or not. Because it's only hit me, it's thrown me.

LegacyUser · 20-10-2018 7:39pm

Rfffd wrote: »

You need to be quite clinical here OP.
You've met each other 6 times in 1 year. ..That averages out as once every 8 weeks.
Yes some could argue he's using you as a booty call, but you're 50% of the equation here,& you're letting this happen. If you're happy with the status quo grand, but clearly you're not. So you need to address it by having a mature adult conversation- take charge- say "I can't keep meeting you , I need more from a relationship/whatever we call this". Let HIM do the running if he wants to pursue you.

That's it, I have let it happen and not once said no to him. He hasn't done anything wrong at any point. I don't know if I'm quite reafy for the conversation, I know I'm going to feel really hurt that's why I'm thinking it's just going to be easier if I just don't message him anymore.

milli milli · 23-10-2018 5:25pm

Headrecked0 wrote: »

I don't know if I'm quite ready for the conversation, I know I'm going to feel really hurt that's why I'm thinking it's just going to be easier if I just don't message him anymore
...
I just thought if there was ANY chance then I would love to try a relationship with him but guys show when they are interested in that or not

I know exactly how you feel OP. You really like this guy and want something more from him but are afraid to say anything because that might be the end of it all. And also when you really like someone, the rejection is much harder than if it was someone you barely knew.

Chances are though that if you don’t text him, will you be able to move on? Considering that you really want a relationship with him?

Rejection sucks, it really does. But you know I’ve started reframing rejection in a different way now. I saw a funny video where the guy gives dating advice and when someone rejects him, he just says to himself, ‘Wow, she makes poor life decisions!’

I love it! He’s this cool guy, obviously full of confidence but he obviously sees the rejection as their loss.

I completely feel that way about rejection. Yes it is crappy, yes it hurts, but you know something, if some guy doesn’t want me and all the amazing stuff I can bring to his life, then to be honest, I feel a bit sorry for him!

I know what I have to offer someone and if someone can’t see that, then they are not the right person.

So in your situation I hope you realize that you are worth more and deserve more. But bear in mind that you are calling the shots as much as this guy. He might think you are happy with the status quo. Maybe he’s seeing other people, maybe he’s not (it doesn’t seem like he is though as he’s always available when you’re there). But you are doing all the running.

If you can stop contacting him and move on, then do that. Don’t feel bad about it.
But if you can’t, maybe you need to contact him and lay your cards on the table and see how they fall, but be prepared for it not going as you want (but this isn’t a bad thing, it’s leaving you free to find the person that’s right for you, if it isn’t this guy).

I like him....he doesn't like me?

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