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Hitting 35 and stuck in an unusual situation.
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05-09-2018 11:52am#1
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,218 Mod ✭✭✭✭
Join Date:Posts: 59145
I've heard that more than once G. That said I've known quite a few women in my time that this wasn't a deal breaker. Now this was years back so maybe it's more in play these days with the notion of more "choice" on tinder etc? I doubt it.1: Most women have no interest in Lads that have kids under the age of 18. Depsite the fact they themselves have under the age of 18.
Some women do. That's always been the case(again maybe it's worse now?). And puzzlingly such women get more into having a longer checklist when they're not exactly getting any younger, or better looking.2: The standards women have are unrealistically high - they are looking for a Lad with an amazing Job (+€100,000 P/A), Handsome (Brad Pitt/George Clooney), Amazing body (David Beckham) and still have time for a deep emotional connection with them.
Actually encountered one such woman a while back. Introduced through a mutual friend who thought she'd be "perfect for you". I dunno where she got that idea. Must have been a rare brain fart on her part as usually she's sharp as a tack. Anyway, yer wan shows up with a face that would curdle milk. No attempt at putting her best foot forward. Out of politeness and thinking of my friend I really tried to be charming. Well as charming as I can muster. No joy. There she was, with three kids, divorced and vocally bitter about it and an arse that had gone south - and east and west - for the winter. Several winters ago. It didn't get any better from there. Early on she actually told me that she was very fussy and had a list of dealbreakers in men. Yep. After over an hour of this I excused myself to go for a smoke. Didn't consider it as impolite as she had her nose buried in her phone for minutes at a time. Went outside and actually got chatting to this woman, very pleasant, attractive and engaging. Bit of mutual interest going on that I would have pursued in any other situation. Anyway I go back in and the first thing yer wan comes out with is "that's a deal breaker". My reply was "good. That's our meeting concluded then"(the smoking area lass had gone by the time I'd walked the muppet to her taxi).
My advice on that type of woman? They exist and there are enough of them, but there are also a lot more women that aren't like this. Go for one of them. Even if you got involved with a list type your life would be a bloody misery. Leave them to their cats, their regrets, the guys who ride and go and the poor simp who they finally end up with.
That's a near given in this age of snapchat and tinder and arsebook. More women and men are more aware of their online image, so such images are nearly always tarted up. Women tend to gloss over their age and size, men their age, height and wealth.3: Women look very different in real life than they do on their online dating apps. I've seen women on the like likes of POF, in the playground near where I live that I bring my son to. I know it's them, but they don't look like their pics on the App.
Fair play G, though do it for yourself. Never heard of any side effects from the regaine stuff, though that doesn;t mean there aren't. I have heard of side effects from the other anti balding med(whose name escapes), but not the regaine.I'm hitting the Gym at least 6 times a week now and have started using Regaine (Sub question, what's everyone's experiences been with Regaine?) to address some of the points in #2
Jesus no. I'd avoid anything like that. Needs? That's what fiddling with yourself was invented for.In truth though, point 1 means that I'm going to be stuck in this situation for a long time. That brings me back to the needs thing. I'm beginning to think things would be a lot easier if I didn't have needs/desires.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How are you dealing with it?
I'm borderline going to my local GP and asking to be prescribed an Anaphrodisiac as I hate the way I feel at the moment (Bottom of the Barrel).
I think I might feel better if I did this.
Avoid the online dating thing. It tends to encourage bullshit. There's an online dating forum here on Boards that you can ask to join. Might be worth a try to get other people's experiences?
Clubs and the like tend to suit the very outgoing, talk to the wall type man. The introverted, even your average guy will usually struggle in that environment. Even if he's good looking(though that helps a lot).
I'd reckon extend your social circle as much as possible. Get involved in as many group activities as possible. There are a lot of women out there that are tired of the tinder shite and are also looking for something more.
At 35 you're in a very good position as a man IMHO. I couldn't get arrested before 30, by 35 I had quite the level of choice. I made bad ones, but still.
You've about ten years left in the tank to check out the dating scene at this level*. You've much more leeway in time than a woman of 35 who wants to "settle down", get hitched and have kids.
*IE The marriage and kids level. Beyond that yeah dating doesn't stop, but it's of a different kind. Unless you're in the Rolling Stones.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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First off anyway graham fair play for getting back out there, but honestly six months really isn't that long to be out of a long term relationship and giving yourself a chance to get a bit of perspective. It just sounds like you're not really sure of what you actually want, whether it's having your short term needs met, or building towards something more stable and long term. I'd be in a somewhat similar situation to yourself in that at 41 I'm separated about a year out of a long-term relationship of 20 years and the primary carer of a 13 year old child. I suppose two of the biggest differences between our circumstances is that I'm not actively looking to get into another relationship, and as for 'needs', well, I'm not actively looking in that respect either. I have the complete opposite of your issue really if I'm being honest and it's very much a grass is greener thing! :pac:
In saying that though, couple of things I have noticed in my experience, that might either help or hinder, I don't know, because it's very much an individual thing so as for individual advice? I ain't got shít mate, sorry
3 things I've discovered,
1: Most women have no interest in Lads that have kids under the age of 18. Depsite the fact they themselves have under the age of 18.
This is a fair observation, but in just the same way as most women aren't interested in men with children under 18, you're pointing out that they have children under 18 themselves as though they're hypocrites for not wanting to date you, but really what actually matters is what you want, and if you're passing judgement on them because they have children and wouldn't want to date you, would you really want to date them? A woman having children from a previous relationship wouldn't bother me, but I completely get why other people wouldn't want to date someone who has a child or children from a previous relationship. They're not wrong when they assume that the child is likely to be a bigger priority in that person's life than they are.2: The standards women have are unrealistically high - they are looking for a Lad with an amazing Job (+€100,000 P/A), Handsome (Brad Pitt/George Clooney), Amazing body (David Beckham) and still have time for a deep emotional connection with them.
They aim high, and if you're being honest with yourself, you do too, or you should at least! :pac: Why not? There's absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards, even what you might consider for them are unrealistically high standards, that just means yours are higher! To be perfectly honest with you my personal finances has never come up. It's actually lads who flash what cash that haven't really got a whole lot else going on. I just carry one card in my arse pocket these days, no fat wallet on display here
But seriously, I mean, you're 35 years of age, it can't possibly have escaped your attention that most women don't need a man to provide for them nowadays, they're more than capable of providing for themselves, and I genuinely have to question why you're experiencing a greater degree of women who are so fiscally focussed. Whether it's that they're the type of women you're selecting for and not meeting their standards, I don't know. I'm certainly no George Clooney or David Beckham and deep emotional connections? I dunno, any women I met are more interested in just being able to chill out and have a laugh. Point is really coming back to deciding what or who you actually want, for yourself, it's not really about what you think women want.3: Women look very different in real life than they do on their online dating apps. I've seen women on the like likes of POF, in the playground near where I live that I bring my son to. I know it's them, but they don't look like their pics on the App.
If this is an issue for you, then I'd definitely suggest steering well clear of sites advertising ladies in your local area, or escorts, if we're to be blunt! :pac: To be perfectly honest I wouldn't advise any man to go down that route, no matter how great you feel your needs are. Fcukall to do with the morality or the financing it or anything else, just for someone in your circumstances, mentally it's just not going to lead to anywhere healthy. I dunno if you'd even consider it tbh as you'd have thought of it yourself by now anyway.I'm hitting the Gym at least 6 times a week now and have started using Regaine (Sub question, what's everyone's experiences been with Regaine?) to address some of the points in #2
Fair play for hitting the gym and sticking with it, but again I'd have to agree with what other posters have said that in order to really stick with it and enjoy it, you have to be doing it for yourself. I tried going back to swimming and the gym after a hip replacement recently and honestly, it's just not my bag, I couldn't be arsed. Now that he's back in school though myself and my son have talked about going to a bigger pool where it doesn't feel like I'm in the kids paddling pool, and we're cooking decent, relllllatively healthy meals for ourselves, as opposed to eating out the whole time. I'm trying too to get a better work/life balance going and that's not easy either, but we're working on it together and it's something we actually do enjoy doing together.
Regaine? No experiences to share there, but I can understand you'd be self-conscious about it, and you're already aware of it knocking your confidence. Maybe the best person to advise you there would be your local barber who could advise you on styling and products to give the hair you do have a bit of a makeover, could greatly boost your confidence!In truth though, point 1 means that I'm going to be stuck in this situation for a long time. That brings me back to the needs thing. I'm beginning to think things would be a lot easier if I didn't have needs/desires.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How are you dealing with it?
I dunno about that, you're only stuck in something while you're not doing something about it, and you are actually already doing plenty about it, so cut yourself some slack is all I can think. I know it's cliché as fcuk, but the stuff you're talking about now follows on from what you're doing already, but you know already it's not going to happen overnight, and believe me I think anyone who is trying something really, really can relate to how frustrating it gets sometimes when it doesn't seem to be happening for them. I know I sure as hell don't have the patience. I'm disciplined in some respects, in others I really just couldn't give a fcuk. Of course it would be easier if I didn't have needs and desires (different to yours, but the principle is the same), and dealing with that is ball breaking, but I know I'm putting in the ground work, just gonna take as long as it takes. I'm dealing with it ok I suppose. It's not particularly preventing me from still getting on with other projects I have going on. I suppose that's a thing too, is that rather than keeping my mind busy as is often the advice in these situations, I'm finding it hard at times to switch my brain off and shut down for a bit.I'm borderline going to my local GP and asking to be prescribed an Anaphrodisiac as I hate the way I feel at the moment (Bottom of the Barrel).
I think I might feel better if I did this.
Comments/Opinions?
EDIT:
I'm worried about the Anaphrodisiac drug thing as it's something Pedophiles are given to reduce their urge.
If it were found out I was using that, it probably wouldn't go down well with "the local Mob"
I'd actually to read this a couple of times as I knew 'an aphrodisiac' was making no sense in that context! :pac:
But genuinely, given you're feeling as you are now, a visit to your local GP wouldn't be the worst idea, and I don't know how you get on with your GP but if you have that kind of relationship with them that you can chat to them about whatever is on your mind openly and honestly, I'd go for it, and if you don't have that with your current GP, honestly find one that you think you could have that kind of a relationship with them because I can't tell you how invaluable it is for your own mental health in the long term. If your GP gets to know you better, they're better able to help you with the small stuff so it doesn't become the big stuff. I'd be more concerned with myself and my own mental health before I'd give two fcuks what the local mob would think either btw!0 -
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TheBoyConor wrote: »I wouldn't have believed it before and I used to think being decent and respectful was the key. That doesn't work. As soon as I stated acting like I didn't give a sh!t I started to have much more interest from women. But I genuinely didn't give a sh!t so I pretty much friend zoned most of them that I liked as friends. And rode a few of the ones I didn't like all that much just for the sake of the ride and not wanting to risk catching feelings for any of the girls I liked as friends. It's a bit messed up, but I'm happy with the situation .
I've no doubt it's true, but I'd be genetically incapable of doing it. But, to be fair, I always attracted the nice girls, so it kind of worked for me. 0 -
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,218 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 59145
+1. If you're not enthused by something it'll get old fast. And it could look like you're just joining up to meet women.draiochtanois wrote: »This post has been deleted.
+1000 on the whores and drugs. Grand if you're a 70's rock star, but they had the longevity of WW1 fighter pilots.+ Go to counselling
+ No hookers or weird drugs
+ Own being bald, shave it
Focus on you for a while and what you like. I suppose try the hair tonic stuff for a while. If it works - and apparently it can work well for some - then grand, if not break out the clippers. The counselling thing seems to be a near given piece of advice over the last few years. I personally think it overdone myself. Then again judging by other's experience of counselling down the years I found them variable at best, for general life stuff anyway, outside of folks with actual mental illnesses(even then). So in fairness that's my bias going on there. Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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