Housemates boyfriend staying too much

Idonotknow

Hi, so here is the story - I rent an apartment and rented out the spare room to help cover the cost of rent. Everything was fine until she started dating this guy. I just don’t like him at all, he makes me feel very uncomfortable, my boyfriend also does not like him.

About a month ago she asked us if he could move in. We told her no, that it would be too cramped and that he was not allowed move in, which she seemed to accept.

But now he is staying here around 5 nights a week. It’s not about money/splitting the bills, it is purely a case of its feeling very cramped with him here.

Any advise on how to address it/where I stand with her being my licensee?

jimmycrackcorm

Is she paying rent to you or to the landlord? If it is you then tell her in no uncertain terms that she is a licencee and as such doesn't have any rights. A night or two should be ok, after all, people have to have lives, but if she wants to be with him so much, then let them get their own apartment or she moves in with him.

Idonotknow

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Is she paying rent to you or to the landlord? If it is you then tell her in no uncertain terms that she is a licencee and as such doesn't have any rights. A night or two should be ok, after all, people have to have lives, but if she wants to be with him so much, then let them get their own apartment or she moves in with him.

She pays to me. It’s the fact she asked me if he could move in and we said no, it’s not opposition to sharing bills, it was an opposition to having an extra person there.

conormc1984

Is it written in your lease that you were allowed sub let the other room to cover your rent to the landlord. Does the landlord know.

Doop

Tell her 2 night limit max. At 5 nights a week he practically is living there and ignoring your earlier refusal. You have to sit down and have the difficult conversation.

Bandana boy

Limiting her to 2 nights is only going to cause problems , this person is no longer a fit for you as a housemate
Give her notice to move out

Ulysses Gaze

Bandana boy wrote: »

Limiting her to 2 nights is only going to cause problems , this person is no longer a fit for you as a housemate
Give her notice to move out

Either that or start charging her more for the household bills.

McGrath5

She's a licencee so, I'd be moving her out as soon as.

blingrhino

Has she a lease from you ? or verbal contract ?

when is it up ?

if its not too far off let it run its course and then say see ya !

or as said before you have to have the difficult conversaton.

BrokenArrows

At 5 nights a week is is living there.

Tell her that he isnt allowed to spend more than 1-2 nights a week in the house. If she doesnt like it then as a licensee you can tell her she has to move out.

There is no reason you need to stress over this. Tell her the rules and if she doesnt like it then kick her out.

If you dont like the boyfriend anyway even more of a reason just to tell her to leave.

lawred2

Idonotknow wrote: »

Hi, so here is the story - I rent an apartment and rented out the spare room to help cover the cost of rent. Everything was fine until she started dating this guy. I just don’t like him at all, he makes me feel very uncomfortable, my boyfriend also does not like him.

About a month ago she asked us if he could move in. We told her no, that it would be too cramped and that he was not allowed move in, which she seemed to accept.

But now he is staying here around 5 nights a week. It’s not about money/splitting the bills, it is purely a case of its feeling very cramped with him here.

Any advise on how to address it/where I stand with her being my licensee?

Are you sure you are allowed to sub let?

Either way - I'd just say that five nights a week is taking the p!ss and she either cops on or finds another place to live.

AustinLostin

Obviously raising the issue with her is the first step. No other advice really is applicable until you have at least done that.

Trasna1

I never really understood this aversion by some people to having their partners overnight with them unless they feel they were being made financially worse off.

When letting a room I think it needs to be understood that the licensees is entitled to a private life, it's their home too, and can have guests stay over. But if you're not willing to put up with it, tell her to go - you'll have no problems replacing her.

I don't think that would reflect well on you as a person though.

TheBully

Trasna1 wrote: »

I never really understood this aversion by some people to having their partners overnight with them unless they feel they were being made financially worse off.

When letting a room I think it needs to be understood that the licensees is entitled to a private life, it's their home too, and can have guests stay over. But if you're not willing to put up with it, tell her to go - you'll have no problems replacing her.

I don't think that would reflect well on you as a person though.

So if she’s into gangbangs in her private life the OP should let all those people stay over too?.

The OP rented the room to a person, not a person and her BF

lawred2

TheBully wrote: »

So if she’s into gangbangs in her private life the OP should let all those people stay over too?.

The OP rented the room to a person, not a person and her BF

well that's a bit extreme no?

people having a girlfriend/boyfriend is hardly an out of the ordinary situation..

gmisk

lawred2 wrote: »

well that's a bit extreme no?

people having a girlfriend/boyfriend is hardly an out of the ordinary situation..

No but them staying over 5 nights a week...do you not think that is taking the p#ss?
Especially when OP made it clear they didnt want them to move in....they basically have!

Trasna1

TheBully wrote: »

So if she’s into gangbangs in her private life the OP should let all those people stay over too?.

The OP rented the room to a person, not a person and her BF

As long as they're not disturbing anyone, imparting a financial cost on the other person or breaking the law, whatever a licensee gets up to in their room is their business as far as I'm concerned.

If you want to morally judge someone for participating in gangbangs, that's on you.

We see it all the time on this forum, people renting out rooms and then being surprised that the licensee has the temerity to actually live there. They don't actually want the person, just their money.

troyzer

lawred2 wrote: »

well that's a bit extreme no?

people having a girlfriend/boyfriend is hardly an out of the ordinary situation..

Having them over 5 nights a week and thinking it's fine to not pay any bills or rent is.

lawred2

gmisk wrote: »

No but them staying over 5 nights a week...do you not think that is taking the p#ss?
Especially when OP made it clear they didnt want them to move in....they basically have!

Ah yeah I've already said that - but there's no indication that the other person here is doing anything unusual beyond staying over. You went straight to gang bangs..

Reality is the OP doesn't like this lad.

If she's entitled to sublet then she can tell this person and the boyfriend to hit the road.

If she's not entitled to sublet - then there is nothing stopping this other girl ringing the landlord on her way out informing her that his/her tenant is subletting..

gmisk

lawred2 wrote: »

Ah yeah I've already said that - but there's no indication that the other person here is doing anything unusual beyond staying over. You went straight to gang bangs..

Reality is the OP doesn't like this lad.

If she's entitled to sublet then she can tell this person and the boyfriend to hit the road.

If she's not entitled to sublet - then there is nothing stopping this other girl ringing the landlord on her way out informing her that his/her tenant is subletting..

I didnt say anything about gang bangs....
I agree with the rest of what you saying.
But OP already said the girl is a licensee.

I would have a word with her....she is clearly taking the piss.
If she doesnt see the issue, or it isnt resolved I would get rid asap

lawred2

gmisk wrote: »

I didnt say anything about gang bangs....
I agree with the rest of what you saying.
But OP already said the girl is a licensee.

sorry it wasn't you but you responded to my response to someone else... wasn't paying close enough attention

it's very rare for subletting to be in a rental agreement in Ireland... Maybe she's right in that she is a licensor but it would be rare enough.

Squatter

Idonotknow wrote: »

Hi, so here is the story - I rent an apartment and rented out the spare room to help cover the cost of rent. Everything was fine until she started dating this guy. I just don’t like him at all, he makes me feel very uncomfortable, my boyfriend also does not like him.

About a month ago she asked us if he could move in. We told her no, that it would be too cramped and that he was not allowed move in, which she seemed to accept.

But now he is staying here around 5 nights a week. It’s not about money/splitting the bills, it is purely a case of its feeling very cramped with him here.

Any advise on how to address it/where I stand with her being my licensee?

How long had she been living there before shacking up with the stud from hell?

Idonotknow

Squatter wrote: »

How long had she been living there before shacking up with the stud from hell?

A year

listermint

Your choices include.


Telling her to move out (she is a licensee)

Telling her that there is a limit on days of say (you have to decide on the number)


There is a final choice, live as it is.


All up to you, there is no other choice really.

Squatter

Idonotknow wrote: »

A year

Did she have previous boyfriends overnighting in her room without any problem?

If so, and putting your dislike of her current stud to one side, is the frequency of the overnight stays the main issue?

Idonotknow

Squatter wrote: »

Did she have previous boyfriends overnighting in her room without any problem?

If so, and putting your dislike of her current stud to one side, is the frequency of the overnight stays the main issue?

She had a boyfriend for a few months before. He was a nice guy. He didn’t stay over much, maybe 2 or 3 nights a week but when he did they would stay in her room. With this guy they basically take over the common areas when he is over.

endacl

Trasna1 wrote: »

We see it all the time on this forum, people renting out rooms and then being surprised that the licensee has the temerity to actually live there. They don't actually want the person, just their money.

And what’s wrong with that? I’ve lived as a lodger (licensee) for several periods in the past. I wouldn’t have considered having people stay over. Not my gaff.

People only take in licensees because they want the cash. It’s not for the pleasure of company. If the licensee wants better conditions a houseshare where they’re on the lease would be the obvious solution.

Idonotknow

endacl wrote: »

And what’s wrong with that? I’ve lived as a lodger (licensee) for several periods in the past. I wouldn’t have considered having people stay over. Not my gaff.

People only take in licensees because they want the cash. It’s not for the pleasure of company. If the licensee wants better conditions a houseshare where they’re on the lease would be the obvious solution.

As far as I am concerned we rented to one occupant, that was the agreement. And she was made aware that she was not going to be on a lease and therefore not a tenant. In return she was renting a room at a fraction of the cost. She doesn’t even pay 20% of the total of the rent.

I am ok for him to stay over 2-3 nights, I don’t like him but obviously she does and I would like to try be supportive, but 5 nights for me is excessive and putting a strain on the living situation.

Heres Johnny

It sounds like different expectations from both parties. Either way there is going to be resentment from one side so it's probably not a tenable situation to continue. Not saying who is right and who is wrong but sometimes not everybody is suited to living together. If you want to stay there which I presume you do she will have to go somewhere else.

endacl

Idonotknow wrote: »

As far as I am concerned we rented to one occupant, that was the agreement. And she was made aware that she was not going to be on a lease and therefore not a tenant. In return she was renting a room at a fraction of the cost. She doesn’t even pay 20% of the total of the rent.

I am ok for him to stay over 2-3 nights, I don’t like him but obviously she does and I would like to try be supportive, but 5 nights for me is excessive and putting a strain on the living situation.

Your gaff, your rules.

End of.

Trasna1

Idonotknow wrote: »

As far as I am concerned we rented to one occupant, that was the agreement. And she was made aware that she was not going to be on a lease and therefore not a tenant. In return she was renting a room at a fraction of the cost. She doesn’t even pay 20% of the total of the rent.

I am ok for him to stay over 2-3 nights, I don’t like him but obviously she does and I would like to try be supportive, but 5 nights for me is excessive and putting a strain on the living situation.

I don't know what advice you wasn't from us so, if you're unhappy tell her to cut back his overnighting or tell her to go. In all likelihood telling her to cut it back will in effect push her to start looking elsewhere anyway.

I'd be looking to leave if I was staying somewhere Where I wasn't entitled to my private life. Personally, I think it's unreasonable to boot someone out for this, but as they're a licensee that's your prerogative.

infor123

Idonotknow wrote: »

As far as I am concerned we rented to one occupant, that was the agreement. And she was made aware that she was not going to be on a lease and therefore not a tenant. In return she was renting a room at a fraction of the cost. She doesn’t even pay 20% of the total of the rent.

I am ok for him to stay over 2-3 nights, I don’t like him but obviously she does and I would like to try be supportive, but 5 nights for me is excessive and putting a strain on the living situation.

You still haven’t said if you’re actually allowed to sublet? If you are allowed then you can have a chat with her, not happy then ask her to leave as she has broken your agreement. But as someone else said I’d you weren’t allowed to sublet, then be careful as she could get in contact with landlord and get you into trouble.

Squatter

Idonotknow wrote: »

She had a boyfriend for a few months before. He was a nice guy. He didn’t stay over much, maybe 2 or 3 nights a week but when he did they would stay in her room. With this guy they basically take over the common areas when he is over.

Right. So there's the basis of the hard discussion you're going to have to have with her.

Prior to the stud's arrival on the scene things were going grand. Recemtly the change in her situation has adversely affected the equilibrium/dynamic of the apartment share and she either takes steps to revert to the old arrangements or she will be asked to leave.

(Do you know whether the stud has been given his own key? If you boot her out, be sure that you have a new lock ready to install!)

Addendum - if as you say above, you've been effectively undercharging her her portion of the rent, then the pair of them are taking the piss! Get rid of her, pronto!

the purple tin

troyzer wrote: »

Having them over 5 nights a week and thinking it's fine to not pay any bills or rent is.

It's basicallyakin to having a student in the house who goes home at the weekends but doesn't pay any rent.
Just curious OP, does your housemate have an en-suite room or is the bf using a communal bathroom?

uck51js9zml2yt

Idonotknow wrote: »

As far as I am concerned we rented to one occupant, that was the agreement. And she was made aware that she was not going to be on a lease and therefore not a tenant. In return she was renting a room at a fraction of the cost. She doesn’t even pay 20% of the total of the rent.

I am ok for him to stay over 2-3 nights, I don’t like him but obviously she does and I would like to try be supportive, but 5 nights for me is excessive and putting a strain on the living situation.

You don't have to be supportive of her.
Either he goes or they both go. Her choice!

homerjay2005

Idonotknow wrote: »

As far as I am concerned we rented to one occupant, that was the agreement. And she was made aware that she was not going to be on a lease and therefore not a tenant. In return she was renting a room at a fraction of the cost. She doesn’t even pay 20% of the total of the rent.

I am ok for him to stay over 2-3 nights, I don’t like him but obviously she does and I would like to try be supportive, but 5 nights for me is excessive and putting a strain on the living situation.

hi OP....just to confirm, you and your boyfriend live their full time yes?

Idonotknow

homerjay2005 wrote: »

hi OP....just to confirm, you and your boyfriend live their full time yes?

Yes, which she knew at the point of coming to view the place, both of us interviewed her.

Austria!

If it was just a regular tenancy I don't think you could have them over 5 nights a week either.

bobbyss

Trasna1 wrote:

I never really understood this aversion by some people to having their partners overnight with them unless they feel they were being made financially worse off.

I would hate for people to be staying over. Does it mean they would be sitting down watching telly, using shower, having breakfast etc? This would put me out big time. Five days a week?

Trasna1

Idonotknow wrote: »

Yes, which she knew at the point of coming to view the place, both of us interviewed her.

So it's fine for you to have your boyfriend living there, but not her. I assume this is a two bed apartment? Does she have a double room?

If both the above are true, I would definitely be able to see the unfairness in your complaint.

SusanC10

bobbyss wrote: »

I would hate for people to be staying over. Does it mean they would be sitting down watching telly, using shower, having breakfast etc? This would put me out big time. Five days a week?

Now it's been a long time since I rented in a houseshare scenario but when I did it was 4 of us in a 4 Bed house. We all at various times had our Boyfriends stay overnight. For varying numbers of nights per week. And yes they all used the Showers, had Breakfast, sat and watched tv with us etc etc. No one minded. And I didn't always like the other Boyfriends either and I know the girls didn't always like mine.
The worst trouble we had was from a male house-mate who moved in after one of the girls moved out. He didn't last long.

OP - if it bothers you that the boyfriend is there and your licensee refuses to change then just gives her Notice and find someone else whose views are more like your own.

Trasna1

bobbyss wrote: »

I would hate for people to be staying over. Does it mean they would be sitting down watching telly, using shower, having breakfast etc? This would put me out big time. Five days a week?

Don't let out a room if you're not willing to let people live how you would like to live in your house.

Too many of these owner occupiers / subletters just want the cash and consider their licensee not as a valued customer but an incredible inconvenience. Given the amount of money involved these days it's an awful attitude to have.

Brussels Sprout

This reminds me of a scenario I had 10 years ago in a different country. I moved in to a 3 bedroom apartment with a guy and a girl who were renting the other rooms for some time before I came along. Intiailly the girl said something like "I hope you don't mind my boyfriend staying over the odd night" to which I of course was like "of course not".

It turns out that her boyfriend basically lived there. I counted it one time and he was there 13/14 nights and days. This wasn't helped by the fact that he was a complete arse. You know one of those guys who explains everything to anyone regardless of whether they asked or not and had to top the previous story with one of his own. He'd also constantly make condescending comments about people the whole time. Every day I'd get home from work and he'd be slumped on the couch in front of the TV. I'd make painful conversation with him until such time as his gf would get home. The other guy living there didn't care because he spent all his time in his room playing computer games so it didn't affect him. I later found out that the vacancy arose in the apartment because the girl who had previously rented my room left the apartment because she was sick of him. His gf also told me that the reason he was over the whole time was because she had trust issues so didn't want to sleep apart from him and our apartment was nicer than his, hence why they spent all their time at our place.

OP, had I had the power to do so I would definitely have asked my flatmate to curtail her boyfriend's time in the apartment. I didn't feel that I did, as the new guy, so instead I just found a new place myself.

C3PO

Trasna1 wrote: »

Don't let out a room if you're not willing to let people live how you would like to live in your house.

Too many of these owner occupiers / subletters just want the cash and consider their licensee not as a valued customer but an incredible inconvenience. Given the amount of money involved these days it's an awful attitude to have.

I think the OP is being perfectly reasonable! She rented out her spare room to one person and has effectively got two .. one of whom she doesn't like! If they were joint tenants then it would be a different matter but it appears that is not the case.
If it was me I would talk to the licensee, suggest a limit that seems reasonable to the OP and ask her to find another place if that wasn't agreeable!

endacl

Trasna1 wrote: »

Don't let out a room if you're not willing to let people live how you would like to live in your house.

Too many of these owner occupiers / subletters just want the cash and consider their licensee not as a valued customer but an incredible inconvenience. Given the amount of money involved these days it's an awful attitude to have.

But that’s the way licensee arrangements work. You’re not moving in with a housemate. You’re taking a space in somebody’s home. You’re not responsible for any bills, rental shortfalls, mortgages, repairs and upkeep.... You get to leave at a moments notice if you decide to. It’s generally a cheaper option.

It’s not your home. It’s a place you stay.

.......

Trasna1 wrote: »

So it's fine for you to have your boyfriend living there, but not her. I assume this is a two bed apartment? Does she have a double room?

If both the above are true, I would definitely be able to see the unfairness in your complaint.

Dont be ridiculous. The OP and her BF rented a place together. The OP did not rent a room off someone and then move her BF in. The two situations are not comparable at all.

Trasna1 wrote: »

Don't let out a room if you're not willing to let people live how you would like to live in your house.

The OP does not live in her house with an unwelcome guest staying over 5 nights a week. Herself and her BF rented a place together.

Her subletter should not rent a room if she are not willing to live by the house rules.

The OP sublet the room to one person who is now taking the proverbial by essentially moving her BF in AFTER she was told he wasnt welcome to live there.

Radio5

Its many years since I shared a house and I can well remember the problem that this behaviour caused. In sharing a house there has to be respect for each person, they may never be your best friend but if you share with them there has to be some basic courtesy.

In this case, the girl is not respecting the answer she was given about having the boyfriend move in. She was told no and yet has they effectively done it anyway. The OP says that they take over the communal areas, so it's not just a case of them staying in the bedroom. They seem to be taking over the place, yet he's paying no rent, bills etc. So he's living there for free 5 days a week.

I experienced this in house shares in the past and difficult conversations were had with the person involved. Sometimes they were reasonable about it, sometimes not. It has to be done. One girl took great offence and began to spending most nights at her boyfriend's house. After about 2 weeks, the people sharing with him told her in no uncertain terms that it wasn't on. I bought my own place shortly after so I don't know what happened next.

Idonotknow

C3PO wrote: »

I think the OP is being perfectly reasonable! She rented out her spare room to one person and has effectively got two .. one of whom she doesn't like! If they were joint tenants then it would be a different matter but it appears that is not the case.
If it was me I would talk to the licensee, suggest a limit that seems reasonable to the OP and ask her to find another place if that wasn't agreeable!

Personally I think I am being reasonable (biased of course). If I had wanted a couple I would have interviewed as a couple, had they been interviewed as a couple they would not have gotten the room, I’d need to like both parties.

Trasna1

....... wrote: »

Dont be ridiculous. The OP and her BF rented a place together. The OP did not rent a room off someone and then move her BF in. The two situations are not comparable at all.



The OP does not live in her house with an unwelcome guest staying over 5 nights a week. Herself and her BF rented a place together.

Her subletter should not rent a room if she are not willing to live by the house rules.

The OP sublet the room to one person who is now taking the proverbial by essentially moving her BF in AFTER she was told he wasnt welcome to live there.

As this is apparently not about money, surely you can see the hypocrisy in one renter allowed to have the fella there and the subletters not. I certainly think it's unreasonable to have an issue with it, do as I say not as I do

OP hasn't confirmed whether or not she is even allowed to sublet.

.......

Trasna1 wrote: »

As this is apparently not about money, surely you can see the hypocrisy in one renter allowed to have the fella there and the subletters not. I certainly think it's unreasonable to have an issue with it, do as I say not as I do

What hypocrisy?

The OPs boyfriend LIVES there. He isnt just a guest.

boccers

Trasna1 wrote: »

As this is apparently not about money, surely you can see the hypocrisy in one renter allowed to have the fella there and the subletters not. I certainly think it's unreasonable to have an issue with it, do as I say not as I do

OP hasn't confirmed whether or not she is even allowed to sublet.

You don't seem to understand that the OP and her BF are renting this place as a unit. It isn't her alone renting with him staying with her. There is no hypocrisy at all. It might have been easier for you if they had posted on this forum as a couple instead of one individual.