Do I tell her and if so how do I even start the conversation

LegacyUser

Hi all , Going anonymous with this post ..I'm a man in my early 30's I'm in a new relationship (a year ) with a girl shes also expecting and due in 2 months .. Our sex life is pretty non exsistant and this is going to ruin yet another relationship for me its caused problems in previous relationships where I'd come up with any excuse not to have sex and I find myself doing it again , we can do it once or twice a week and then nothing for weeks ,Her sex drive is considerably higher than mine and I genuinely believe I have no sex drive and dislike sex due to been emotionaly physically and sexualy abused when I was a child .. Its that extream i jump and get quite frightened for that split second when she touches me unexpected even something as simple as rubbing my back I jump up off the seat ....shes questioned me about this i told her im just a jumpy person .. Iv never told any previous girlfriend's about this and I dont know if I should this time ,will it make things worse or will she understand better ,will she look at me different if I tell her this , I'm quite a manly fella and dont like to let my barriers down but iv also come to realise that I'm going to grow into a very lonely old man if I keep carrying this round with me I can feel I'm loosing her and I really love her .. What do I do

Another day

First off have ever spoken to anyone about what happened to you? If not that would be my first port of call. You need to come to terms with it yourself before trying to tell your partner. And do it soon! Obviously she is confused at your reaction and you need to be able to talk to her, your counsellor will help you with that. And yes, if you don't seek help you will end up a lonely old man who keeps letting the past interfere in the present and future.

Best of luck...

am i bovvered

Please please seek help, the horrific and damaging abuse you suffered should not damage the life of any other innocent person.
You are a good man, that is obvious through the words and feelings in your post.
Please reach out.

Gonad

So sorry to hear what happened to you. As above maybe try sit down and speak with someone as you will be amazed at what just getting it out can do for you .
Best of luck

Springfields

Agree with previous posters. You need to reach out and talk to a professional to begin to repair the damage done. You deserve to be happy, as do your girlfriend and baby. So for all your sakes talk to someone first to get a handle on your emotions and they may be able to help you approach the subject with your girlfriend. If she loves you she will be able to work through it with you and will appreciate your honesty and courage. Good luck.

orthsquel

Have your previous relationships been short or long term? Would you consider yourself close to your girlfriend emotionally and in other ways? Do you trust her?

If you feel that you would be comfortable telling her, and feel that she would be understanding and empathetic (and you are probably the best positioned to judge that rather than anyone here), then you should certainly consider telling her, while at the same time getting yourself counselling and help processing what happened to you.

If you have any doubt about her reaction, or that you would be uncomfortable telling her, then perhaps you need to start the process of getting out what you've been keeping locked in inside of you, out to a professional counsellor who can help you come to terms with the emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse.

I'd suspect that if she has noticed jumpy behaviour and questioned it, even if it is brushed off as something trivial, she may be a person who might not judge and think either it's a bit odd, or that there's something more to it and may be patient about whatever it is (from her point of view), not pressing you for the details.

I can't tell you if telling her would make it worse, or if it would make her look at you differently; only you can judge that for yourself by knowing her and the person she is.

I don't think that it is something that is a question or should or shouldn't you tell her, if and how, but more about how comfortable are you with it, to talk about it openly and show that vulnerable side of you.

leggo

Sorry that happened to you OP. As for your question: a year is not nothing, especially in your 30's, and the fact she's expecting and planning for a child means you're likely further along in many ways than a lot of couples going out that length of time. I see it as unlikely that she'd judge you or react badly and telling her could benefit your relationship. Look around this forum, every week you see posters post about sexless relationships and the psychological effect it has on them, they take it quite personally. In a weird way, on some level she may be slightly relieved that this isn't due to any lack of attraction to her (while also obviously being hugely sympathetic towards what you went through). I'd say it'll likely make sense of a lot of things to her too.

If your concerns are based around her judging you or your manliness because this happened, if she's in any way reasonable and intelligent, I wouldn't let that be a concern. You were a child, you were betrayed by bad people older than you, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and it's perfectly normal for this stuff to have effects on victims if not dealt with properly. So judge the situation. If you determine after weighing all that up that telling her mightn't go well, it might be worth evaluating the viability of the relationship as a whole, because this is something you should be able to share with the right partner and receive no judgement about. If you told her and it didn't go well, it'd reflect badly on her and not at all on you.

One thing I'll echo from others is that you absolutely should talk to someone professional about this. Carrying it around is having mild effects on your relationship and the fact you're worried about being judged suggests it's still repressed and you haven't fully got your head around the fact that, like I said earlier, you've done nothing wrong. It's really brave of you to even come on here and discuss it, though, so put this momentum and readiness to deal with your past to good use and try get rid of the burden once and for all. You deserve it and doing so may have a million positive effects on your life, including improving your sex drive and letting you enjoy intimacy to its maximum. It could be the best thing you've ever done and all you'd have to do is talk to someone who'll understand where you're coming from and help.

coffee_cake

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LegacyUser

Hey, long time poster but wanted to go unreg to respond, for obvious reasons.

As someone who has been in the shoes of your girlfriend, please please please do tell her.

This was happening with my girlfriend from relatively early in our relationship and it felt to me, until I knew what was going on, that she had just completely lost interest in me and that she didn't fancy me anymore. Once I knew what had happened all I felt was anger (for her) that it happened, and upset that it had happened. I didn't think any less of her, and I certainly didn't think it was her fault.

Honestly if you want this relationship to have a chance of surviving- and it sounds like you do, especially since soon there'll be a little one involved- start working through this. Tell your partner, if only so that she knows when you flinch and reject her that it's not her fault, and it's not your fault. It's just something that will happen.

I also won't sugar coat it- you're going to need to do a lot of work on yourself if you want this or any relationship to work. You'll need to work out what your triggers are and communicate them to your girlfriend. Once she knows what they are she can start to avoid them, and make sure when she does need intimacy (and most people - even you- need intimacy but that doesn't always mean sex) she can approach it in a way that won't cause you to freak out and flashback. If she cares about you she will do her best. It won't be perfect and she will mess up (I know I do) but knowing is so so much better than not knowing, please believe me. It's only through talking about it and communicating with her that you can get through it together.

I really really wish you well.

heretothere

I think you need to speak to your girlfriend about this. You are expecting a baby in 2 months, I think you need to give the relationship the best shot you can. Good luck

1hnr79jr65

Hi Op,

I was abused when i was a child, my current fiancee became aware of what happened due to things coming up when sleeping from dreams/nightmares, i also had rage and other issues. I never threatened, attacked or abused her but i would lash out at object or get irrationally angry for little reason, we ended up breaking up over this as it was a huge burden for her me not dealing with what happened to me. I had similar kind of reactions to sex and being touched.

This breakup caused me to finally address all my problems, she was the first to know and eventually i was able to deal with things better, see a psychologist, go to guards and i am much better off for it. We eventually got back together after a couple years and soon to get married. Please do yourself a favor and start to deal with what happened, when you are ready, but do tell her. You are in relationship together and even your partner knowing may in turn help you deal with things.

But untimately do it for YOU, for your mental and physical health, it will take time, BUT IT WILL HELP. And im sure your partner will be understading and supportive if you having child together.

I am posting a link to thread where i shared some on my expereince a couple years ago, maybe take a read of my post #521 and see if anything resonates and helps.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=99880219

Look after youself and be strong OP.