Coming to terms with how an ex partner treated you

sashafierce

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LegacyUser

The longer you are away from the situation you were in, the more and more ridiculous it will seem to you. The fact that you accepted that kind of toxic behaviour for any period of time will seem incredible to you eventually.
I was regularly beaten, cheated on, had my belongings and abode smashed up a few times, verbally abused like you couldn't imagine... and it took me a couple of years to fully accept it and put it behind me. I definitely had some kind of PTSD for a long time, but I really think I've moved on.
Getting over that nonsense made me a stronger more stable person. I've been with a new girl a while now and she's amazing. Zero drama.
These abusive people drag you down. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing.
You're still fresh out of the relationship. Just try and be a better person yourself, you're not in the clear just yet.
Who cares why they did what they did? They'll do it again, trust me. Just not with you.
So f**k that person and leave them to be miserable.
Onward and upwards for yourself.

nthclare

sashafierce wrote: »

I've been out of a long term relationship for almost half a year now. Im doing really well considering. Getting on with things and rarely cry anymore. However, I am struggling big time to get my head around how someone can be so wonderful for so many years and then turn into a different person. How can someone be so in love one minute and have a great relationship and then next they are drinking heavily, lying, cheating, chasing young girls, robbing money, being irresponsible, acting like a teenager.
How has anyone else who had a partner turn into a different person come to terms with it?

Sounds like a train wreck...
So sorry to hear you're going through this.

If he's cheating on you amongst other things Id have respect for yourself and walk away.

I know its hard and I'd have to be in your shoes to understand the commitment and love you had for this person.

That relationship is totally unstable and the longer it goes like this the more pain involved.

You're doing nothing wrong we're totally powerless on what other people do and think....

Sephiroth_dude

nthclare wrote: »

Sounds like a train wreck...
So sorry to hear you're going through this.

If he's cheating on you amongst other things Id have respect for yourself and walk away.

I know its hard and I'd have to be in your shoes to understand the commitment and love you had for this person.

That relationship is totally unstable and the longer it goes like this the more pain involved.

You're doing nothing wrong we're totally powerless on what other people do and think....

She's no longer in the relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

How great was the relationship though? I seem to remember you posting about problems with his drinking when you were together.

Perhaps his behaviour now is an overreaction to being single and free. More importantly though, why are you now so bothered about him and his behaviour? He is your ex...

sashafierce

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wiggle16

sashafierce wrote: »

How can someone be so in love one minute and have a great relationship and then next they are drinking heavily, lying, cheating, chasing young girls, robbing money, being irresponsible, acting like a teenager.
How has anyone else who had a partner turn into a different person come to terms with it?

Sorry if it seems obvious, but it's not clear from your post if this behaviour started while you were together and was the reason you broke up, or if it's started since you broke up (it can be read either way).

Assuming it's why you broke up, there could be any number of reasons why he changed or appeared to change, rather. I tend to think that that bad streak in a person was always there, but while they were getting what they wanted from the relationship they were happy with being in a relationship alone. At some point he may have got bored or something changed for him and he decided he didnt care about it any more. Sometimes that happens after a bereavement or another big change and sometimes it happens because the relationship becomes stale (for him).

But i think that proclivity is always in a person, its not something that develops. If a person is intrinsically selfish, then they were made that way - it's not learned and it's no one's fault but theirs. The simple answer is that it was always there, but at one point he was happy and felt no need to indulge in that carry on, and then later he became dissatisfied and wanted his kicks from other sources. Its not a comforting answer, but I think that's usually the case. He is so made and it was always in him to be like that.

wiggle16

sashafierce wrote: »

This isn't his behaviour now. We are no longer in touch I just cant stop thinking about how horrible he turned out to be and I cant get my head around it. Of course I cant just stop being bothered by what happened to me.

You posted this while I was typing, sorry.

.......

Its because people are multi faceted.

Depending on how they feel about someone they show the relevant sides to them.

When he started caring less about you and more about him he showed you the more selfish aspects of himself. He was only able to do that because he no longer cared what you thought.

Someone like that probably works hard to hide their true self from partners until they lose interest in the relationship.

nthclare

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

She's no longer in the relationship.

I need to go to spec savers...thanks for pointing that out...

My bad

sashafierce

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wiggle16

sashafierce wrote: »

That's okay I wasn't expecting a nice answer :P I guess that makes sense, he stopped loving me and caring about me so he had no problem showing that side of him.
Difference is I wouldn't treat a single soul like that no matter what my feelings towards them are. I couldn't cheat, lie etc etc no matter what.

As ....... said, people are multifaceted. He is likely an intrinsically selfish person. But "bad" people aren't necessarily bad all the time, people regulate their behaviour according to circumstance. It was under the surface, but it was always in him to do that.

In the same way, if you don't have it in you to behave like that then you are never going to understand people who do. I'm not sure I would want to. Either way I doubt there's an answer, even from him, that would make it make sense to you. I hope you can move on from it in time x

sashafierce

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.......

sashafierce wrote: »

I think the lack of understanding on my behalf will stall me for a while. 10 years of "good behaviour" only to turn around and be someone else. Very scary. I would of bet my life on him never ever hurting me.

You dont have to understand it. And you never really will.

All you have to do is accept that he behaved in a way that you never would. It threw you because you judged him by your standards. But at the core of who he is, he always had it in him that he could behave that way. He just hadnt shown it to you before - probably because he knew you wouldnt have stuck with him if he had.

Another consideration is that alcohol was involved. Did you post before about him and alcohol problems?

Maybe it was alcohol, maybe it was just who he was, maybe he had been bottling up all his bad behaviour and it all came rushing out at once, maybe he wanted you to hate him to make it easier to break up, maybe he also wonders what he was doing, maybe he had a brain tumour, maybe aliens took over his brain.

The point is - it doesnt matter. Why he changed doesnt matter. You dont need to understand it to move on from it. You just have to accept it.

redfox123

Was he really an angel for ten years? I find when things haven't gone our way and things turn out very badly and we do not want to face reality we tend to sugar coat the past to make it easier for us to cope and explain our own obliviousness/accepting of red flags that were there in some form or another. I'm sure there had to have been signs along the way, selfish behaviours that weren't that bad but you swept under the rug because you wanted him to be a certain person or you wanted it to work. Were the both of you in a loving stable relationship for that long where both worked out issues maturely, and then he seemed to have a complate brain transplant?
Looking back at my own past relationship I shudder at the things i turned a blind eye to. People are complex though and are not just good or bad. Sounds like he wanted it to end but hadn't the maturity to do it properly so went the easy route and acted like he did out of conflicting emotions and his own unresolved stuff. Not really got to do with you.

As for now I think you might benefit from counselling to begin accepting what has happened and begin to see the positives that such a person is no longer in your life.

LegacyUser

The same thing has happened to me except it was only a month ago & a 5 year relationship. I caught him on POF. He is pretending to be 8 years younger then he is, has added several inches in height and has done a batchelors degree. He is obviously looking for a much younger woman. I am already 6 years his junior but now too old for him. I think he feels younger women are more gullible and so he thinks he will be able to fool them easier.

I am very upset that he is now no longer in my life, upset that I have to break up with his lovely family too. But I also have this strange relief that is hard to explain.

You got great advice above. My 5 year relationship should have only been 5 months as the red flags were definitely there -surfing POF and regular bouts of the silent treatment rather then communicating like an adult. My ex did not actually change. He just showed more of his true colours when he no longer cared about our relationship or me. He has now lost a great woman and I don't care if I never hear from him again. I think the most hurtful thing is that I would never treat another human the way he treated me & I certainly don't want someone like that in my life.

It takes time & be kind to yourself.

sashafierce

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Big Bag of Chips

sashafierce wrote: »

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You know what, though? He probably will. You say yourself other than the last 2 years the relationship was pretty perfect. He is capable of being that person, until he gets bored. So he will probably be that person for someone else. He will be perfect for someone else. His next relationship might even end up in marriage, and lasting longer than yours did. Or, he might end up carrying on the same in that relationship as he did in yours and the next woman will either leave him, or stick with it.

Without wanting to sound harsh, whatever happens him now is not your concern. Your relationship with him didn't work out. There is someone better suited for both of you. He may continue the cycle, or he may change his ways for a particular person. (People rarely change too drastically though).

sashafierce

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.......

sashafierce wrote: »

I know I can hold my head high knowing I was a good person through that whole relationship and never hurt him.
What I don't understand is why he didn't just say he didn't want to be with me, he didn't have to be with me, it was within his rights to leave. He didn't have to leave a path of destruction on his way out...

Does it matter?

I mean in the bigger picture - obviously it matters to you because you are here talking about it.

But does it really matter? Its done, he is gone, its over. How it ended isnt really relevant anymore.

sashafierce

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.......

sashafierce wrote: »

Well its obviously going to cause me trust issues down the line, its knocked my confidence to the lowest its ever been so I do think it matters how someone ends a relationship. There is no good way to end a relationship but there is better ways than the maximum damage approach

I totally agree with you - from a philosophical point of view.

But maximum damage happened. You cant change that. You can learn never to be that person - but you probably werent ever going to be anyway.

You keep saying you want to know why. Im contending that the why either doesnt matter, or you could never understand it anyway because you are not the type of person who could act that way. You cant relate to someone who would behave that way, which is why its so baffling.

If you were told that the why was that he was just a selfish bugger would that make you feel better than the why was that he had been pretending to be someone else?

What why do you want it to be and, why? It has already happened, its not for changing and whats important for YOU is to know that nothing you could have done could have changed it. You didnt make him have a personality transplant.

Theres no reason to have trust issues down the line from one bad experience. You just chalk it up. Its a shock that sometimes people behave in completely unexpected ways - but its a life lesson. It happens. The only person you ever really know and can ever really trust 100% is yourself.

professore

With some people, what you see is what you get. With others, they are continuously putting on a show and the real them is deep inside. Sometimes it's because they are defensive from bad relationships or experiences, buy this type mostly gets better with time. Other times it's because they are sociopaths. Your ex sounds like the latter one.

For some reason lots of people are attracted to these "mysterious" types. Give me blunt and honest any day.