Cheating Repercussions 20 years later

LegacyUser

Hi,

this is really difficult to even begin to explain, so please bear with me if it sounds disjointed.

I'm a middle aged man with a long-term physical illness and the occasional bouts of anxiety and depression, I live with my father.

My Mother died a few years ago. I'd always figured that my parents had a happy marriage until my mother told me around 20 years back that my dad had cheated with another woman. He'd been caught going into her house and eventually admitted he had seen her, which resulted in absolute turmoil for their marriage. Every argument for the next few years would result in this affair being brought back up, and it instilled a sense of paranoia in my mother regarding my father. AS the years went by, her health slowly deteriorated then she eventually developed cancer and died after a short time being diagnosed.

Since then I have learned that my father is once again seeing this woman, and has been since very shortly after my mother died. Short in terms of single-digit weeks. When I found this out I was disgusted and very confused by this, as his care of my mother during her brief battle with cancer was constant and seemed to be genuine.

I have had some time (2 years) to adjust to the idea of my father seeing someone else, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm ok with it provisionally. If it were any other woman but the one that caused so much trouble for our family I would be very accepting of whoever it was so long as he was happy.

However, it's not that simple either. I had been asked on three occasions would I like to meet this woman and I refused, and said truthfully that I could never accept the woman he had chosen to cheat on my mother with and would be afraid of what I'd say to her if I was to meet her. The last time I was asked was around 2 weeks ago.

We had an arrangement where he'd tell me that she was going to either be at the door or there was a chance of meeting her and I would avoid that, and be stressed while doing that anyway because I feel that when she is in this house, they are defiling and making a mockery of my mother.

My mother forgave my father, and I like to think I have too, but she never forgave the woman and I understand why now.

I had the misfortune of meeting her the other day.
This meeting has galvanised my utter hatred of what happened 20 years ago, and of this woman.

On my way home with my partner and her adult child we decided to make dinner at mine and stay for an hour or so before going off again. During this time my father's phone rang and through the din of the kitchen and company I knew by his tone that he was talking to the affair woman. I took notice of it but didn't say anything and myself, partner and co finished our dinner and were about to leave when the doorbell rang and in runs this woman I'd never met in person and only knew of by reputation, introducing herself to my partner, daughter and lastly to me.

I was absolutely overcome by rage and attempted to stay calm but get my point across, while this woman was standing beside a picture of my mother. Symbolic or not, it only made what I had to say even worse, if not the absolutely most truthful thing I've ever spoken to anyone.

I told her in a loud tone "I don't want to know you, you caused our family so much trouble for years that anything you could possibly say would be BS, I don't want you here and it'd be for the best if you got out now", I think that was about as rational as I could be given that she was standing in my mother's home.

She replied by saying "...oh, well then I'll stay even longer" and plonked down on the couch.
At this point I must have been red with rage and I shielded and ushered my partner and co to the door. At which point my partner knew I was extremely upset and asked me to go with her, I refused and said I wanted to face this woman and say what I had to say. After a few minutes, my partner left and I returned to the kitchen.

When I got back she was sitting at the table laughing and eating a pie, which someone had set out for two. I assume it was for my father. But I couldn't help myself.. I picked up both the slices and fought desperately not to smash it into her face and instead threw it into the garden. After this the entire situation escalated into a screaming and shouting match between me and her for around 30 minutes until they both left the house.

Since then, I have spoken to my partner, relatives and neighbours about the situation and as much advice as I've gotten to leave and leave them to it, I cant, I'm financially stuck here. I could temporarily stay with my partner, friends or my relatives but the situation remains unresolved and has resulted in physical violence against me already. I'm not asking for legal advise as the gardai were involved at the time too.

I have very briefly spoken to my father, and he admitted to orchestrating the meeting thinking that while my partner was there I would be trapped into accepting this other woman and everything would be rosy.
Clearly it wasn't but he apologised and hasn't spoken to me since, only to say that he's getting the house valued for sale next week.


I really don't know what to do or how to feel other than upset.
Just looking for opinions.

Thanks.

bee06

I don’t understand how you can forgive your father and not the woman?

Fine if you don’t want anything to do with her but it’s your fathers house and he has the right to any guest he wants. You were very childish to throw the pie outside etc.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd just think she's a cheeky bitch. Your dad was very wrong to try force a meeting. As an adult you have every right to not want to meet this woman if you so wish. He is entitled to have a relationship with her if he wants, but he has no right to force that relationship on you.

I completely understand the hurt and betrayal you felt seeing this woman who caused so much hurt to your mother flouncing around your house. And I'm sure you'll have people on telling you you were wrong, and shouldn't have done what you did etc etc.. But human emotions have a mind of their own!

Your dad now realises you're not going to accept this woman. I think she won't give a **** one way or other and will continue to push herself into your home. It will be up to your dad, who should honestly respect your feelings to not let her be around your home when you are there.

I'm sorry for the circumstances you find yourself in. Have you any chance of getting back to work? Could you go on a local housing list?

Fol20

It must be tough for you alright, I know I could never forgive this women either. However as other pointed, it is not your house and you live under your dads rules so honestly the only hint you can do is once your financially stable, I would leave. The fact he met up with this women weeks after your mum died would also annoy me but that’s a different story sure

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd just think she's a cheeky bitch. Your dad was very wrong to try force a meeting. As an adult you have every right to not want to meet this woman if you so wish. He is entitled to have a relationship with her if he wants, but he has no right to force that relationship on you.

I completely understand the hurt and betrayal you felt seeing this woman who caused so much hurt to your mother flouncing around your house. And I'm sure you'll have people on telling you you were wrong, and shouldn't have done what you did etc etc.. But human emotions have a mind of their own!

Your dad now realises you're not going to accept this woman. I think she won't give a **** one way or other and will continue to push herself into your home. It will be up to your dad, who should honestly respect your feelings to not let her be around your home when you are there.

I'm sorry for the circumstances you find yourself in. Have you any chance of getting back to work? Could you go on a local housing list?

Thank you,
I'm certain that meeting wont be the last either, I'm afraid of losing my temper again like that with the pies and everything.
At best I can work part time given my doctors ok it. I'm applying for social housing and have been advised to apply for HAP too, but financially I cant afford the rent at all.

I understand why people would think I acted childishly too, and I would have thought that too until I was in the situation personally.

fima

You sound very childish. Your father cheated on your mother, not this woman. It’s the typical age old nonsense where the man gets away scot free and the woman is the devil. Your father was the one with the family, not this woman!

Now, she does sound a bit forceful but once again your father engineered that meeting and put you in that position. It’s also his home so he can have whoever he wants in it and you have to treat them with respect or remove yourself from the situation.

It’s your father who has been out of line so take the issue up with him although if he sells the house and moves in with her he won’t have to worry about tip toeing around an adult sons feelings.

Big Bag of Chips

Nobody can say for certain how they'd act in the same situation. We can all think we'd be very dignified and mature about it, but when faced with it it could be a very different story.

I think you also need to realise that your dad is a flawed human. Like us all. He has made, and will make mistakes. He fell for this woman. Maybe he should have left your mam at the time, but he didn't. Maybe he stayed with her out of duty, loyalty, guilt. Maybe they fell out of love and their relationship was never the same. He obviously loved her, at one point. And maybe that love changed to friendship/fondness/companionship over time. I wouldn't doubt his devotion to looking after her when she was ill. But obviously there was something there with this woman. Hard as that might be too accept. It might be she was a distraction from the humdrum of daily life (why so many people have affairs, the excitement and 'new' feeling experience again) or it might have gone deeper.

Your loyalty will always be your mother. Especially now that she's gone. She would never have given her blessing to this relationship and that's what you're carrying.

Give yourself a break. Respectfully ask your dad to not conduct his relationship under your nose. I think that's a fair request. But don't be too hard on yourself. You're reaction was pretty natural I'd imagine.

Could you look into a houseshare, rather than renting somewhere alone.

LegacyUser

@Fima - I know it's as much my father to blame as it is her, how I've tackled those feelings over the last few years is by the logic that my mother forgave him, and I can too. It's not as one-sided as I may have made it appear in my op. There have been arguments over the years between myself and him over this woman and more recently about his "new relationship" with her.

Although I'm not the houseowner here, I do call this my home and have done for 40 odd years, so I may not have all the rights and privileges that the owner would, I do think I'm entitled to a minimal respect in matters specifically like this, which concern my deepest feelings regarding my mother, and how her memory is respected and honoured in what used to be her home.

@Big Bag of Chips - Thank you again for being so understanding in your posts. it's something to consider alright.

.......

Wow.

I have to say I think you are in the wrong OP.

Whatever about what happened 20 years ago - none of that was anything to do with you and you werent even aware of it if you thought your parents had had a happy marriage until you were told about the affair. That was their issue - not yours. Any anger you had upon hearing about it should have been directed at your father.

Now your mother has passed and your father is seeing the same woman. To me this says they have a genuine connection, perhaps he stayed with your mother out of loyalty to her and his family but pined over this woman? Now that they have the chance to be together with neither of them attached to other people - you want to ruin that too? And for what? So you can see your father lonely and miserable? What possible gain is there from you shunning her the way you have?

As for your behaviour, if you are unable to control yourself to the point that you are attacking an elderly woman and throwing her food out the window when she is a guest in your fathers home - you need to seek professional help and anger management. Its pretty appalling behaviour. And to what end? Just to upset two people who have every right to be with each other if they want?

Perhaps your father went about trying to introduce you the wrong way but given that you were making things as difficult as you could for him by refusing to meet her - its not that surprising.

Its your fathers house, he can invite whoever he wants to it. If you dont like the company he keeps you are free to live elsewhere. In his shoes I would be asking you to leave because of your behaviour. And all of this in front of your partner and her child too? I think you should be apologising to your father - not the other way around.

Its probably best for everyone if he sells the house. No one should have to live with the threat of another adult dictating to them who they can have in their own home.

Idle Passerby

I can understand that this is a horrible situation for you and I'm not surprised you harbour negative emotions around a situation that caused your mother so much anguish. But she didn't hurt your mother by herself, your father is the one who betrayed your mother. I think your anger is misplaced.

The fact that he went back to a woman he had an affair with 20 years later suggests it was never a casual fling. Perhaps your parents would have been better off separating rather than have his affair cause turmoil in their marriage for the next two decades, but the past cant be altered.

It seems your father has wanted to be with this woman for a very long time which is understandably a very hard pill to swallow with your mother so recently deceased. It doesn't seem she is going away though.

My only advice is get yourself out of the house. You cant reasonably continue living with your father, expecting him to pretend his partner doesn't exist.

jen70

this is an upsetting situation, i can imagine feeling similarly in the same situation, like they were disrespecting my mother. you don't need to have a relationship or get to know this woman if you don't want to, your father should respect your feelings on this i think. You may have been able to have little interaction with her if you did not live with your father but continuing to do so I cannot see how you will ever be comfortable in your own home if she is going to become a bigger part of it - time to start looking at different living arrangements or having an open and honest conversation with your father of how you all are going to move forward.

Xterminator

Hi Op

your parents marriage was theirs and theirs alone. As was their sex life, kinks etc. You don't know the whole story, you shouldn't know the whole story. You have picked your sides here without the full picture. So be it, i doubt you will change your attitude any times soon.

once your mum was dead your father was under no obligation to you or anyone else to observe a respectful mourning period.

I have to say some of what you have said paints him in a bad light. But as a human man with wants and needs he is perfectly entitled to pursue his happiness and as the home owner he is entitled to have anyone he likes over.

As someone living under his roof you will need to be cognisant of this fact. You don't have to like this woman or have any sort of relationship with her. But if you wish to continue to live subsidised under your fathers roof then is probably reasonable for him to expect the can have her over any time and move her in if he likes, and you shouldn't cause a disturbance over it. so you will have to choose to move out, or be civil or at least quiet.

You are acting like a spolt child meeting his parents partner for the 1st time and acting like a baby. IMO thats because this is exactly how you acted.

if you wish to remove yourself from the situation that would be your choice, but your standard of living would drop if you have to pay full market price for a 1 bed apt, or a house share. As an adult that's a decision for you.

seamus

Ugh, what a mess.

There are several confounding issues here.

For a start, you need to not carry the wounds suffered by someone else. Your mother was cheated on, not you. While it is OK to be angry that he hurt your mother, it does not make sense to feel wronged by proxy. Your father hurt your mother. This woman didn't. Your mother moved past it, therefore you have to move past it too. Children should not carry on the regrets and grudges of their parents.

You need professional help on this point. You need to talk to someone who can help you move on, to understand that the slights done to your mother are not slights against you, and to accept that your father finding a new relationship does not in anyway "defile" or degrade the apparently loving relationship he had with your mother.


Your second issue is that you're living in your father's house. And whether you like this woman or not, she is his partner, and that is his house. For two years they've been dancing around you and appeasing your unhappiness. Your father has been keeping his partner out of his house because you demanded it be that way. For a few weeks, that's OK. Two years is unreasonable. Were you expecting this to continue forever? Or were you hoping she'd just go away?

I can understand it from their point of view - you continually refused to meet her and asked for unreasonable "notice" of visitors entering your father's house. And you weren't offering any kind of long-term view on what you wanted to happen next. So eventually they said, "Fnck this" and forced your hand.

The nature of what they did was perhaps unfair, but your reaction was unwarranted. You're angry, but you also seem to have a sense of entitlement - that is, you don't seem to understand the nature of your situation. You take your living arrangements for granted. This is your father's home, and he is entitled to bring home whatever guests he likes. And if you don't like that, you should have moved out a long time ago. Financially constrained or not, the reality of your situation needs to be acknowledged.

Clearly your father has identified this as the root issue, and by selling the home he has moved to eliminate the problem. Once he has a new home, then if you want to see him in that home it will be on his terms. Not yours.

So, aside from going and getting counselling for your own unresolved issues, I actually think you have a good opportunity here to move forward;

You have now met this woman, and for better or worse, you have made your feelings known, and she has made hers known. I am going to assume that you were both equally horrible to eachother, so now you have a level ground on which to work from.

She is going to be in your father's life whether you like it or not, so if you want him to be in yours, you're going to need to find a way to exist in the same space as her without fighting the urge to assault her.

Arrange to meet her. Just her. Somewhere public, like a cafe, preferably outside, in the middle of the day. Why? To come to an understanding. To get together for your father's sake (and your own, let's be honest) so that you can agree on a way to make this work. The more you avoid this woman, the more she can continue to be the horrendous monster you believe her to be. And this is in fact why you've been avoiding her - because you know she's not. So meet her. A couple of times if necessary.

You have spent 20 years seething over a woman you've never even met. The woman you were angry at, doesn't even exist. She's a persona, a figment of your imagination. The fact that you got angry over her eating cake and laughing illustrates this perfectly - why shouldn't she be happy? Why shouldn't she do the things that normal people do? You're angry because you've made assumptions about her based on nothing.

Once you take the time to discover that your father's partner is not the person you invented in your head, you will be able to move past it. You may never stop feeling hurt, you may not necessarily grow to like her, but you will at least not feel like smashing her face in when you meet her.

LegacyUser

To be honest I think you are being immature in this whole situation and it's not fair on either of them. We get one life, they want to be together, and I think at their age (and yours) that you need to learn to accept this situation and move on from it.

.......

seamus wrote: »

For two years they've been dancing around you and appeasing your unhappiness. Your father has been keeping his partner out of his house because you demanded it be that way. For a few weeks, that's OK. Two years is unreasonable.

God, I actually missed this part.

2 years! You have been forcing your father to hide his partner from you for 2 years!!!

Seriously, that is TOTALLY unreasonable of you. To what end was this? Was everyone supposed to stay out of your way in someone elses home forever?

sexmag

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Respectfully ask your dad to not conduct his relationship under your nose. I think that's a fair request.

It most certainly is not

Its the fathers house, he has kept this woman away for 2 years and now op has caused so much grief the father has to sell his house just to be able to be happy with this woman.

Op i understand your stil; greiving for your mother but this isnt your issue and never was, this is your dads home and how you acted in front of them and your partner and her child was way out of line and you need to apologise to everyone.

Next you need to find somewhere to live because your dad is selling the house and youll have nowhere to live soon enough

then get some counselling to deal with your anger issues and greif for your mother

good luck

Emme

OP you are living in your father's house so you should not interfere in his life. I am sorry about your mother but he is free to do as he pleases now. If this woman hadn't shown an interest in him after your mother died someone else would. Widowers will always be in demand.

I don't excuse what your father died and what this woman did while he was married. He should not have cheated and she should not have knowingly had an affair with a married man. It might have been better if your mother had asked your father for a divorce. It can't have been good for anyone with the affair being brought up with each argument like peeling the scab off an old wound. However nothing can be done about the past now. Everyone should move on.

You say you cannot move out but why? It would be much healthier for you mentally. Can you not move in with your partner? Live like an adult? If you have a long term illness maybe you are entitled to some benefits you aren't claiming now. You need to contact your Citizens Advice Bureau and see if you are getting all you are entitled to and if there is any chance of you and your partner getting a home together (if that's what she wants). Or did you stay in your father's house for spite (as well as financial reasons) so your father couldn't move this woman into the house? Your father is selling the house now so you will have to find somewhere to go.

It is not healthy for a grown man to live like a child under his father's roof while his father sneaks around with his partner. You need to let your father live his life and live your own life as well.

Malayalam

Well, the main thing is you are totally scuppering any chance you have of ever getting past your mental health disability by holding onto and nurturing this incredible anger you have. You are ruining your own life.

You don't just need to learn how to be civil, disciplined and grudgingly accepting of other people and their flawed humanity, how to stop controlling other people's lives - you badly need to do some serious, radical work on yourself to let go of that hysterical wrath you are incubating deep down inside of you.

Look with pristine clarity at the utter fcuk up that anger is making of your life and the lives of others.

Many parents have done unspeakably terrible things to their children and spouses, your story ranks, but not that highly - do you want to be one of those whose whole entire lives are deformed by bitterness or do you want to be free?

No half measures. No ''trying''. No self pity. No insipid years of counselling that keeps you hooked on your useless angst. Cut at the root of your rage and get totally free. Love people. Soften. Let go. Love people in spite of their flaws. Love your self.

Seriously. There is a whole other better world out there for you. In one second of truth you can spin on a dime and see it. All the best.

Ursus Horribilis

Adult children don't always like their parent's new partners. It can be a tough adjustment to make at the best of times, even if the new man or woman is nice. As it happens, one of my best friends really doesn't like her father's wife at all. Neither do her siblings. None of them has ever said this to their father and I doubt they ever will. They're polite to her when they meet and neither side causes any trouble. Then they go back home to their own houses and their own lives.


I have a lot of sympathy for you but I think the best course of action you can take is to sort your own circumstances out. It's not good for either of you to be living under the same roof at this stage of your lives. Regardless of what you think of your father or his lady friend, they're entitled to do whatever they want. I don't think any woman would want to be dating a man of your father's age and have to deal with a grown up son still living at home.

It can't be good for you either. Especially if you have a partner. If that relationship is to progress you can't be living at home with your father forever. It's also not good for you because of your father dating this woman. You need to have somewhere else to go so this isn't going on under your nose and making you angry. If you had your own place, it'd make things easier for you. I love my parents dearly but I also love knowing that I can walk out of their house and back into my own space. Most adult children feel the same way.

If he's having the house valued, it suggests you're going to be seeking alternative accommodation soon. Better get cracking on that front.

LegacyUser

Wonderful post by Malayam.

I'm not surprised the dad tried to engineer the meeting, as you sound so unwilling to let time move on and situations evolve.

Ursus Horriblis made a great point, that many adult children don't like their parents partners, but they suck it up, and after visits they go home and get on with their own lives. That is generally how it is done and it makes sense, and allows people to live their day to day lives as they see fit. You living at home and not wanting to be around this woman is not allowing your dad to live his life the way he wants to, yes there might have been wrong done in the past, but that doesn't mean he should have to be punished for it for the rest of his days or that his partner should be treated like a leper.

You briefly mentioned physical violence and although you didn't delve into it and I'm not asking what happened, I can imagine the level of hysteria that caused the situation to escalate to that point.

WinnyThePoo

Forcing the meeting in front of your partner and your partners child was not on.
It was bound to not have a go down well.

You have every right to be angry with your father and the woman. They both knew what they where doing ,when they where cheating behind your mothers back.

There absolutely nothing wrong with being loyal to your mother. That woman isn't and never will be. She doesn't exactly sound pleasant either. She will always be the scumbag your father cheated with. I don't think you have any thing apologize for in that regard.

You can't fly off the handle. You have to find a way out of that house.

Caranica

Maybe I'm unusual in this thinking but if a single woman has an affair with a married man, surely the bad guy is the man. Only he made the decision to cheat. I would never blame the woman and cannot understand your attitude OP.

Nor can I understand how your father has let you speak to his partner in his home like that, or even have a say in whether she's there or not.

I know you're going through a tough time on a lot of levels but it's put up and shut up or move out. You say the latter isn't possible, well that limits your choices. You're incredibly lucky your dad hasn't shown you the door. Count your blessings OP, you don't realise how lucky you are to have this roof over your head in the current climate.

banoffe2

Hi OP
Not an easy situation to deal with emotionally or any other way. You will get a wide variety of different opinions and there is no right or wrong everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Coming from someone who has experienced betrayal I admire your respect and loyalty to your deceased mother, that pain must have hurt her very deeply and she may not have had the strength to go through a separation and may not have been financially feasible either.
We can't change the past but we can change how we react to it, for me holding onto the bitterness and resentment was a process I had to work through to let it so that I could heal and grow and move on, thankfully I have done so many years ago. When I see my former husbands ex girlfriends now I am amazed at how it has zero effect on me, a few of them would know me to see and I always salute, I wouldn't have believed that was possible way back all those years ago needless to say that took time and a lot of work on myself.
No one knows how long this relationship has been going on for, even while your mam was alive and unwell, your primary concern now is your own mental and general well being. If you have lived in the family home all your life you are entitled to some rights, would your moving out facilitate the way for your Dad's partner to move in? We don't have to like everyone and I can totally understand how you find it almost impossible to accept this woman regardless of what others say or think about it, that is the nature of being human. Take your time and look after yourself, reach out to friends for support, now is not a good time to be making any big decisions like moving out etc, wait until you get stronger and take back the power into changing what you can which is our
own attitudes.
Be careful with the anger as it can lead to consequences we may later regret, try to find a way to deal with it as its one of our most powerful emotions, if left unattended, it can fester and grow and act almost like a rust eating away at our peace of mind and taking over our thoughts and our lives. It is also has positive consequences as it can drive and motivate us to make changes. I hope you will find peace so that that the behaviour of others wont dominate your thoughts and your life. In an ideal World blended families are they way forward but we don't live in an ideal World and none of us are perfect.

Nothing lasts forever OP, stay strong, you can and will get through this and only you know best what is right for you, sending you a big warm hug and buckets full of good wishes!!

seamus

Malayalam wrote: »

Well, the main thing is you are totally scuppering any chance you have of ever getting past your mental health disability by holding onto and nurturing this incredible anger you have. You are ruining your own life.

As they say - "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"

Emme

Caranica wrote: »

Maybe I'm unusual in this thinking but if a single woman has an affair with a married man, surely the bad guy is the man. Only he made the decision to cheat. I would never blame the woman and cannot understand your attitude OP.

If a single woman KNOWINGLY has an affair with a married man she is equally to blame. If she initially thinks he's single and dumps him pronto when she finds out he isn't then she is wronged just as much as the partner being cheated on.

The OP needs to get away from his father and strike out on his own. It's high time he did this.

.......

Emme wrote: »

If a single woman KNOWINGLY has an affair with a married man she is equally to blame.

To blame for what exactly?

A single woman isnt breaking any marriage vows to sleep with someone else. She hasnt cheated on anyone.

The only cheater is the person who is married (or in a relationship etc...)

I think its extremely misplaced to blame someone who is unattached and can do as they please.

Emme

....... wrote: »

To blame for what exactly?

A single woman isnt breaking any marriage vows to sleep with someone else. She hasnt cheated on anyone.

The only cheater is the person who is married (or in a relationship etc...)

I think its extremely misplaced to blame someone who is unattached and can do as they please.

A woman like this is totally selfish and doesn't care about how her actions affect the man's wife and children. For example see how the woman in this thread upset the OP's mother when she was alive due to her either instigating an affair with the OP's father or not telling him to stop when she knew he was married.

The same applies to single men having affairs with married women.

WinnyThePoo

....... wrote: »

To blame for what exactly?

A single woman isnt breaking any marriage vows to sleep with someone else. She hasnt cheated on anyone.

The only cheater is the person who is married (or in a relationship etc...)

I think its extremely misplaced to blame someone who is unattached and can do as they please.

That's pure nonsense.

Actions have consequences. Sleeping with married man shows bought of them having feck all respect for the ops mother and the op.

Really astounded at the reasoning you've come to.

LegacyUser

Being an affair partner or being the one having the affair are not equal.
The husband or wife who cheats is the one who made the vows, they're the one who is lying to their partners face every day, who is supposed to love and look after them, who is supposed to care about their feelings and want the very best for them, who is living a life and benefiting from aspects of the relationships and has the obligation to protect that and do whatever they can to stay in that relationship.

The person they have the affair with may be selfish and not care but they are not in any way as bad as the person who is married or in the relationship.

Also this was a long time ago and by the sounds of it they must be getting on in years now, people shouldn't be treated as lepers or some kind of scumbag because they cheated decades ago!!!!

Caranica

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

That's pure nonsense.

Actions have consequences. Sleeping with married man shows bought of them having feck all respect for the ops mother and the op.

Really astounded at the reasoning you've come to.

His father chose to cheat on his mother. The woman wasn't cheating on anyone, she owed nothing to the OP or his mother. This is the 21st Century, the days of the scarlet woman are long gone.

LegacyUser

OP, If I was your partner, your reaction would make me very worried about you having anger issues. You had plenty of options to de-escalate the issue and leave but choose not to and instead let yourself get angrier.

Also, as someone else mentioned, it often takes time for an adult child to get used to their parents new partner. Now imagine what your partners child is thinking. Is he now worried about you hurting his mother? What if after seeing your reaction, he said that he didn't want to be around you or have you be around their house? Would you just accept that and never go to your partners house again?

WinnyThePoo

Caranica wrote: »

His father chose to cheat on his mother. The woman wasn't cheating on anyone, she owed nothing to the OP or his mother. This is the 21st Century, the days of the scarlet woman are long gone.

Nope....Of course the father is at fault for breaking his vows. A woman knowingly having an affair with a married man is a scumbag too. This is not up for argument.You don't get a by for having a vagina.

Appalling view.

Emme

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

Nope....Of course the father is at fault for breaking his vows. A woman knowingly having an affair with a married man is a scumbag too. This is not up for argument.You don't get a by for having a vagina.

Or a penis if you're a single man knowingly sleeping with married women.

WinnyThePoo

Emme wrote: »

Or a penis if you're a single man knowingly sleeping with married women.

Exactly.

Ursus Horribilis

longtimeloser wrote: »

I could temporarily stay with my partner, friends or my relatives but the situation remains unresolved and has resulted in physical violence against me already. I'm not asking for legal advice as the gardai were involved at the time too.

So who assaulted you? Is there a history of violence in your home? It must have been pretty bad if the guards were called.

Going by what you've told us, you have quite a nasty temper and that is something you really need to get help with. If you aren't careful, it will not only destroy any semblance of a relationship with your father but ruin your own relationship. To a certain extent, I think you're living in the past. You're going to destroy any future you may have by looking back at what happened during your parents' marriage.

Let's strip away all the stuff about what happened in the past. Your mother is gone and that affair is now water under the bridge. Let's move to 2018 and where you go from here. Whether you like it or not, this woman is here to stay. Your father may go on to live with her/marry her and there isn't a thing you can do about it. Or indeed, should. How would you like it if your father tried to butt in on your relationship and stop you from seeing your girlfriend?

The people who've told you to get out of there are absolutely right. Unless you have absolutely no other options, a man in his mid-forties has no business living with his father. Disability or no disability. There have to be supports out there for you - go find out what they are. Also if you can bring yourself to be civil to your father, he might be able to help you get set up outside of the home. This depends on how your relationship with him is normally - if you're into calling the guards territory it could be dysfunctional.

I can understand why you hate this woman and why you still feel loyalty to your mother. That's fine but I think you're living in the past and letting the hatred consume you. You need to look to the future and setting yourself up somewhere that doesn't involve living with your father and having to see this woman day after day.

never_mind

Op, I’m in a similar situation except my mother isn’t dead and my dad lives five hours away. He doesn’t parade his OH around because it would be disrespectful to my mother. However, I think you are being overly sensitive and a bit mean... your dad should be allowed do what he wants at his age - he doesn’t need your immature behaviour at this point in his life.

The only solution I can see is telling him that you don’t want to see him and her together and that you still love him etc but can’t have a relationship with her. I would be feeling very much the same but I was also the other man in a relationship so I know how it feels.

Paddy Cow

Op you have shot yourself in the foot with how you handled this situation. Regardless of your disability or you seeing not moving out as an option, if your father does sell the house, you are going to have to sort something out for yourself. I could understand your reaction if you were a teenager but you are a middle aged man. At some stage you were always going to have to find your own place, unless you thought you could live with your father until he died and you got the house.

lulu1

Your father cheated on your mother but it was over 20 years ago your mother is sadly gone and I think its time for you to move on. If your mother could forgive i cant see why you cant I may be wrong but I think you are blaming the situation for causing your mothers cancer and death.

I think you have anger issues op to start on this woman who you have only just met is not on. You should leave them to it and sort yourself out because you have your partner to think off..

I dont think it was wrong of the father to ask the woman over when your partner was there he probably thought you wouldn't fly off the handle how wrong he was

professore

....... wrote: »

To blame for what exactly?

A single woman isnt breaking any marriage vows to sleep with someone else. She hasnt cheated on anyone.

The only cheater is the person who is married (or in a relationship etc...)

I think its extremely misplaced to blame someone who is unattached and can do as they please.

If you believe this you also have to believe that a drug dealer has no blame offering drugs to someone trying to quit. There's something called morals and ethics. Going with a married person is totally unethical and a scummy thing to do.

That's not justifying the married person's actions in any way, they are worse, because they made vows. I wonder sometimes how many single people on here are sleeping with married people.

joeguevara

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

Nope....Of course the father is at fault for breaking his vows. A woman knowingly having an affair with a married man is a scumbag too. This is not up for argument.You don't get a by for having a vagina.

Appalling view.

She cannot be held to the same account as the person who actually she cheated. If someone pursues someone in a relationship, yes they are wrong but not as wrong as the person who actually cheats on their partner. They betrayed their family, not the outsider.

Also does the OP believe that their father should never be with anyone else. Yes it is understandable that it stings that their partner is the same person that caused their mother hurt but it is obviously someone that their father has connected with. Should he not be happy or love their life now.

Also I believe that it is not their home. Yes it is their family home but it is not theirs. If they don’t want to see this woman, move out.

It may be strange but I believe that a persons marriage is theirs and not their kids. Main thing is Dad is happy. If he is, then be happy for him. Also, I reckon his girlfriend deserves to live with her man and not tip toe around.

wonski

So op has decided to have a dinner with his partner and her adult kid at, I quote, "his" place and was interrupted by the owner's girlfriend.
Acted like a teenager, thrown some food out and did his best to demonstrate his feelings against the woman the owner of the house he lives in is in relationship with.

Yet happy enough to live there knowing it was going on all this time.

Move in with your partner op or rent a room elsewhere.
And try to control your feelings.

Apologies for being so direct, but that's the way I see it.

wonski

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

Nope....Of course the father is at fault for breaking his vows. A woman knowingly having an affair with a married man is a scumbag too. This is not up for argument.You don't get a by for having a vagina.

Appalling view.

I like your choice of words.

Father at fault of course, but woman scumbag, too.

How about the man being a scumbag and the woman being at fault, too

Or how about none being scumbags. Not all people are perfect, calling them names is not an answer.

.......

Did a lot of this thread disappear?

sexmag

....... wrote: »

Did a lot of this thread disappear?

Yeah loads disappeared and the original op is not on the mobile site and page 2 is not on the desktop site, must be something to do with what happened on Sat/Sun

Ursus Horribilis

Debating about who was in the right or wrong is irrelevant at this stage and of no use to our OP if he's still reading. If you pare all the rest of the story away, it's something very simple. He hates his father's partner.

qwerty13

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Debating about who was in the right or wrong is irrelevant at this stage and of no use to our OP if he's still reading. If you pare all the rest of the story away, it's something very simple. He hates his father's partner.

Very true. But he’s living in his father’s house, at his father’s goodwill. He needs to recognise that. Although it seems that he’s gone too far, if his father is speaking of selling up

pc7

OP life is short and can be hard, you’ll never know the ins of your parents marriage and what agreements or otherwise they went through. Your dad has one life, who knows how long left, if this woman makes him happy then as an adult you need to let him live his life. You don’t have to accept his choices or new partner, but it’s his life to live, it’s his house and his rules.
Whilst this may sound harsh you were rude to your fathers guest (in his house), you need to move out and on. You have to let this anger go or it will eat you up.
Sorry for the loss of your mother, perhaps some grief counseling may help you deal with the loss and anger. I feel you are directing it at the wrong person.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I don't think that your feelings or reaction are all that strange and that the first step for you will be to accept and address your anger rather than trying to repress it or dismiss it as immature.

With affairs it's common to experience a lot more anger at the affair partner rather than at the family member/partner having the affair. It's not rational, but it's normal and happens a lot with affairs. It's easier to hate someone you don't know, don't love, and don't have any connection to.

Yes, it's your Dad who betrayed and hurt your mother and it was his responsibility to keep his marriage to her intact. But he's still your Dad who you know and love, so you're more likely to have worked through things and and come to an understanding with him, plus you've had time to repair and work on your relationship after you learned about the affair.

The other woman is an intruder. Someone who should have known better, someone who hurt someone you cared about, someone you have no reason to be forgiving of or friendly to. It's not her fault that your Dad had an affair, but she does share some responsibility in knowingly acting in a way that would deeply hurt another person.

Your anger towards her is understandable, the affair partner is easier to hate than your own father. But really, your anger is misdirected and should be aimed at your Dad.

It really didn't help that your Dad sprung this visit on you, and that his partner had such a terrible attitude towards you. The pair of them should have respected your wishes and she could have had a lot more class and tact in how she dealt with it.

However, you know that your own reaction wasn't okay either. Your anger was understandable, especially given how this was landed on you, but how you dealt with it wasn't the best and probably something you need to work on. You might need to look at the idea that you still have a lot of unresolved anger at your Dad and around his affair, especially given how badly your mother fared in the wake of it all.

It's easy for others to say that this wasn't any of your business, you didn't know their marriage, it's been so long; but the reality is that the emotions that affairs bring up can be overwhelmingly strong and they don't disappear easily. You're essentially dealing with betrayal yourself, even though you weren't directly involved. The idea that your Dad and the other woman could act in a way so hurtful towards your Mother can be a massive shock and completely change your whole view of your family and how the world works. It sounds like all of this has stirred up strong feelings you may never have dealt with, made even worse by how your father and this woman dealt with the situation.

I'd suggest that you and your partner start looking at options for what your living situation will be in the future, as it seems that living at home might be too difficult now. Having your own space, being able to control who is allowed into your house and not being forced to see this woman, would be ideal for you at this stage. I'd also suggest that you consider the idea of a therapist to help you deal with the anger you're experiencing, help you navigate your way through it healthily and work out how you'd like to deal with your Dad in the future.

Best of luck OP.

Ursus Horribilis

qwerty13 wrote: »

Very true. But he’s living in his father’s house, at his father’s goodwill. He needs to recognise that. Although it seems that he’s gone too far, if his father is speaking of selling up

Agreed. He has probably accelerated something what was going to happen anyway. Even if his father wasn't seeing this woman, he might have met someone else. And you'd be back to the same issue. A grown man trying to date a new woman while middle-aged son is still under his roof. That's untenable in the long term.

WinnyThePoo

wonski wrote: »

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

Nope....Of course the father is at fault for breaking his vows. A woman knowingly having an affair with a married man is a scumbag too. This is not up for argument.You don't get a by for having a vagina.

Appalling view.

I like your choice of words.

Father at fault of course, but woman scumbag, too.

How about the man being a scumbag and the woman being at fault, too

Or how about none being scumbags. Not all people are perfect, calling them names is not an answer.

Both scumbags

Not all people are perfect?. Cheating is disgusting.

Ursus Horribilis

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

Both scumbags

Not all people are perfect?. Cheating is disgusting.

Does it matter or not now? It's not going to help our OP who's now potentially going to be made homeless.