Is this stalker-ish? Contacting a girl through Facebook.

JackieChang

So, I'm very new to Tinder. (Like less than one week)

I matched with a girl last Friday. In fact I matched with a good few girls but she was the only one I wanted to chat with.

Anyway, chatted with her for about an hour and I think she liked me. For example, I apologized for keeping her up late as she had work early the next day and she said "don't apologize, you made my night! "

Anyway, I had a very busy bank holiday weekend. Had work to do along with two wild birthday parties to attend to. Didn't end up chatting with her at all the whole time.

Now that all of that is out of the way and I have a fairly chill week on my hands, I went back to Tinder to ask her out for a bite to eat or something, and she seems to have unmatched me. I guess she thought I wasn't interested in her and just removed me. Or maybe she thought I must have chosen somebody else. I don't know.

So, the stalker part is... She has a very unique name, so I found her on Facebook within 2 seconds. Would it be weird to send her a message and say hey, it's me from Tinder. Sorry I was AWOL. Fancy a date?

What do you think?

JackieChang

I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. If I unmatched a girl because I thought she didn't like me, then got a message from her a few days later saying "hey it's me !" I think I'd be happy enough with that. And it wouldn't seem stalkerish to me as I would have a super unique name, probably the only one in the town. Very easy to find me.

skallywag

I'm not sure how the mechanics of Tinder actually work, but when you say she has 'unmatched' you does that mean that she no longer wishes to communicate with you on Tinder?

If so you can probably translate that to mean that she doesn't want to hear from you on any other app, etc. either.

Passenger

If she has unmatched you then she has clearly made her point. Why pursue her if she's not interested?

JackieChang

skallywag wrote: »

I'm not sure how the mechanics of Tinder actually work, but when you say she has 'unmatched' you does that mean that she no longer wishes to communicate with you on Tinder?

If so you can probably translate that to mean that she doesn't want to hear from you on any other app, etc. either.

Well you have a "matched" section where people have liked you and you've liked them. As in, you both tapped "Like" on eachother's profiles.

Perhaps you're right. Although she was very eager to chat to me again. I just never got round to it until after the weekend, and then she was gone.

My thinking is, she just decided to remove me becuase "why keep him in my list if it's obvious he's not interested in me."

I didn't ask her out when we were chatting. So maybe it seemed like I wasn't eager to meet her.

gwalk

she may not have unmatched you, she could possibly have deleted her tinder or something.

personally i wouldn't do it if it was me as if she wanted to keep talking to you she would have messaged you or told you she was deleting it and offered an alternative method of communication like Facebook etc.

Or maybe she didn't think about you at all and started things with someone else separately.
yes it is stalkerish, no do not contact her

woodchuck

If I was her, I would think it was weird/intrusive. For whatever reason, she decided to unmatch you. If you try to add her on something else, it comes off as very pushy and a little bit creepy.

Arrival

I wouldn't bother. The best case scenario is that she actually was interested in talking to you more but because you didn't talk to her for just one weekend she unmatched you. Does that actually sound like a reasonable person to you? Anyone with a clue understands that many people don't regularly check Tinder, especially during the weekend, and can be too busy to properly chat on there. You've probably dodged a head melter to be honest

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

If you add her and she gets freaked out then you will find out sooner or later. You won't know if you don't try

JackieChang

Last girl I was with we were together for 5 years, so I'm learning the dating game from scratch again.

I guess I need to strike while the iron is hot next time and not wait around.

JackieChang

Ulises Angry Rancher wrote: »

If you add her and she gets freaked out then you will find out sooner or later. You won't know if you don't try

I don't even think I need to add her. On the messenger app you can just go ahead and chat without being friends.

Chancer3001

All logic says of course don't contact her . She unmatched for a reason. Maybe She s met somebody


But then again. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

.......

I would find it a bit creepy and stalkerish.

King of Kings

you've nothing to lose by contacting her and everything to gain.

I dont understand posters here warning you off taking a chance...

Its not starkerish at all...you like here therefore you should approach her and if fb is the only way you can..then go for.

Mr. Incognito

Its a message on Facebook not showing up at her door with a ghetto blaster.

A short message to say,

Hey, sorry I didnt get back to you. I was at a wedding. I'm new to the dating game after a long time off and I didnt get a chance to message you.

Anyway, I was very interested in chatting and I hope you dont mind that I reached out here. If you want to get a drink or continue chatting I'm available any evening this week. Otherwise I'll leave you be.

Thanks again.

Then she can contact you or ignore you.

L1985

JackieChang wrote: »

I don't even think I need to add her. On the messenger app you can just go ahead and chat without being friends.

Don't do that -I have missed messages as it goes into the other folder which no one checks.
Honestly tinder can be v fickle I think you have nothing to lose so why not? She must know she has a distinctive name when she gave it out and as long as your message isn't too full on or creepy sure why not? No point regretting not going for it really.

heretothere

I don't know how tinder works, but could she have accidentally unmatched you? Will she pop up as a potential match again in future? If not I'd say a quick FB message wouldn't be bad, but if she doesn't reply I'd leave it as just the one message it would get weird if you kept messaging her every few days looking for a response.

LegacyUser

King of Kings wrote: »

I dont understand posters here warning you off taking a chance...

Its not starkerish at all...you like here therefore you should approach her and if fb is the only way you can..then go for.

Different life experiences I'm guessing - I've had similar where what seemed like a very innocent message on FB from someone via a different social site (not a dating site mind). Just a hi it's me from that other site and I didn't think anything of it at first but he would not leave me alone. I ignored messages, blocked him, then i got messages via instagram - still really chatty messages like we'd be having some sort of on going conversation yet I'd never replied to a single one. It snowballed into him showing up at a function I was working at and having to have the guards get involved.

That is the extreme end of things but you don't know what this girls history is and getting a random message like that could freak her out.

Dial Hard

JackieChang wrote: »

I guess I need to strike while the iron is hot next time and not wait around.

If striking while the iron is hot means asking someone out after only chatting for an hour, then I really wouldn't advise that either. Chat for a few days, get a vibe, then ask out.

I realise you didn't get the opportunity to do that this time. But then really, were you that busy that you couldn't have taken 30 seconds out of your ENTIRE long weekend to drop her a message???

tara73

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Its a message on Facebook not showing up at her door with a ghetto blaster.

A short message to say,

Then she can contact you or ignore you.

I would think the same. Searching somebody these days on social media like facebook is not comparable to the original stalking attitude of finding out where someone lives and waiting for them at their door and the likes.

Sending her a quick message explaining what went on over the weekend and asking her out or chat again is completely ok from my point of view. Nothing tried, nothing gained. She might be delighted.

You opened a thread here about it, so it seems important enough to you. If you don't do it it will nibble away at you for some time I think.

skallywag

Dial Hard wrote: »

...But then really, were you that busy that you couldn't have taken 30 seconds out of your ENTIRE long weekend to drop her a message???

Would echo those sentiments myself, I find it odd that the OP would not have acted sooner if there was real intent.

milli milli

Yes I see no harm in sending a message.
But I would also agree with the poster that not messaging for the entire weekend might make her think, you’re not that interested.
Maybe she was tired of having lots of potential chats (from different guys) leading nowhere and you might have been the straw that broke the camels back?
It can be very frustrating chatting loads and then nothing.

Katgurl

Christ talk about over thinking.

Send a nice message (the one suggested above was perfect imo) and if she doesn't answer then forget about her.

It's hardly the end of the world if it doesn't work out.

SimpleDimples

Life is too short to agonize over the small things.

What's the worst that happens, she blocks you and sends you packing. You'll cope. At least you know where you stand rather than wondering. Faint heart never won a fair lady!

tupenny

I don't think you should do it.
Leave it be. Seems like you're reading waaaay too much into a tinder match. Most likely you were 1 of many she was chatting to; for her to bother unmatching, she's not interested

Grab All Association

From experience (in a 2 year relationship and we got engaged within weeks ) go for it.

My fiancée ignored my first message. The second one was a gamble that paid off.

Don't sound creepy
Write down what you want to say (it took me over a week to send the second message. Kept editing it and saving as draft)
Be 100% honest about how you feel but go in with the intent of making her smile/feel good rather than coming across as wanting anything.

The worst that could happen is she'll ignore you/block you.

tedpan

Definitely contact her, you've nothing to lose. If she has found somebody else or is not interested, she can ignore or block you. All this overthinking about how it may look is crazy.

dudara

JackieChang wrote: »

I don't even think I need to add her. On the messenger app you can just go ahead and chat without being friends.

I’d personally find it very weird & creepy if someone moved the conversation from one medium to another. But who knows?

Caranica

I'd say very creepy and don't do it. If she wanted to stay in touch she'd have found a way to send you her contact details.

If I got a message like that I'd lock down my social media even tighter and change my name into Irish or something like teachers do, after blocking you of course.

power pants

A simple message isn’t going to be creepy at all. So many over reactions in this thread

However, if you were to send a second message after not hearing anything back that would be wrong

If she feels that violated, creeped out, scared, worried and shocked she could always block you

TheBoyConor

You've been ghosted op. I'm sorry op but this is 2018 and Tinder. People match, chat and ghost all the time. You can be aving a great conversation one minute and the next morning wake to to find that the person you were chattting to will no longer offer a reply, has unmatched you or even deleted their profile. App dating is easy come easy go and people don't and should not invest much emotion into it. A lot of the time people only match and chat for an ego boost and for likes but may actually have little or no interest in dating let alone a serious relationship.

This ghosting craic, it has happened to me and I have a also done it to others on occasion.

At the Please don't text her or contact her. If she was actually interested and wanted to stay in contact she would have said so or made alternative arrangements to stay in touch. And if she wanted to talk to you she would find you on the app.

If you go creeping her and contacting her on messenger you'll only come off looking like a socially incompetent weirdo.

Welcome to 2018 dude.

wiggle16

If i received a message like that, i'd be disinclined to message back because it would seem quite stalkerish and intense. She might have an unusual name but she won't care if she was easy or hard to find, she will have known that you went to the trouble of looking her up in the first place.

That said, you have nothing to lose.

I regret the things I didn't do more than the things I did do.

leggo

I could see it working and being a cool origin story for you two...I see it as WAY more likely to fail though. It really depends on the little things like how much you actually talked and if it was substantial, if she was on Tinder to actually meet someone or just an ego boost (which you won’t realistically know), if your message and the way you approach it comes across stalkerish or not (for that reason I’d be self-aware if I did it and approach it like “Hey I’d never normally do this but I had such a great time talking to you the other night and would like to chat some more, but it’s completely up to you”) and so on.

If your gut is telling you it’s creepy, though, it probably is. Like did you REALLY connect or did you just match with a girl who, looks-wise, is way better looking than you’d normally talk to so you’re like “I can’t mess this up!” If it’s the latter or similar, it’s probably creepy and not going to go well.

LolaJJ

Honestly OP, do you not think this is a case of wanting what you can't have now that the horse has bolted?

If you really felt some incredible tingly sensation in your belly about this girl you probably would have found 5 minutes in between the two birthday parties to check in and let her know you had a lot on but would be in touch, after all, she stayed up late chatting to you knowing she was up early, so one party was willing to put themselves out.

When I was using Tinder I received loads of unsolicited messages on FB from people who I DIDN'T match with, and also some that I did match with....if I deleted my account or whatever, so it's not that unusual. but I never responded to any of them

Idle Passerby

I wouldn't think its creepy exactly, but it paints you as a bit desperate. She's not interested in chatting to you on tinder anymore (whether that's becasue she removed you or left the site) so my assumption would be contacting her on a different medium wouldn't be welcome. Its not the end of the world if you send her a message but I suspect you've heard the last form her.

ginandtonicsky

If someone unmatched me on tinder because I didn't send them a message for a day or two, I don't think I'd be arsed chasing them over to another social media platform to try to convince them to give me a chance. A few days like! Not everyone is tied to their iphone every minute of every day.

They'd just seem a bit unreasonable and immature to me tbh. I know the swiping nature of the place encourages people to act in all kinds of impulsive ways, and most people will be accustomed to the ghosting and unmatching and all the rest, but it's a bit like unfriending someone on facebook or un-liking an Instagram post. Bit teenagery and juvenile!

I think it's a given if you've connected with someone on tinder that they've had a creep on your digital footprint anyway, so if you feel like sending the message, by all means go for it. But be prepared to either be ignored or to have to deal with a bit of a headwrecker if it actually goes anywhere.

I personally wouldn't pursue someone who would unmatch for that reason. Red flag.

Go ahead with the innocuous message on facebook. You have nothing to lose.

LoonyLovegood

Don't do it. Don't even THINK of doing it.

That is the creepiest thing you could ever do, and it's probably going to terrify her. She unmatched you or deleted her profile for a reason, accept it and move on.

skallywag

LoonyLovegood wrote: »

...and it's probably going to terrify her...

I can only hope that you are not actually serious :mad:

OP, while I would not bother myself to contact her, I'd advise you to take no notice whatsoever of such comments.

power pants

LoonyLovegood wrote: »

Don't do it. Don't even THINK of doing it.

That is the creepiest thing you could ever do, and it's probably going to terrify her. She unmatched you or deleted her profile for a reason, accept it and move on.

Could ever do???

fuzzyduck4

I think you should ask her out, if you never ask you will never no. Worst case scenario she'll saa no so you'll have to ask again until she says yes!

woodchuck

fuzzyduck4 wrote: »

Worst case scenario she'll saa no so you'll have to ask again until she says yes!

Or, you know, he could respect her wishes and accept no for an answer :rolleyes:

The more I read this thread, the more disturbed I get. Everyone is on about the "worst case scenario" in relation to the OP. What about the girl? She has made it clear that she doesn't want to contact him and could very well get freaked out by his behaviour if he messages her again on another medium.

OP do the right thing and leave her alone. She knows where to find you if she wants to talk to you again.

JackieChang

OP here.

What if I found out where she worked, and waited outside? Like from 8am to midnight every day.

Preferably with sunglasses and a trench coat on.

Hiding in a bush.

No... I'm just kidding. But the way some people reacted here you'd swear I was actually planning something like this!

Anyway, most of the answers here weren't as dramatic. Some people told me to do it, majority said no. So I'll just forget about her.

snowflaked

Message her. What have you got to lose? Creep is a horrible term. All you are doing is showing your interest. My best friend is marrying her soul mate which began in a similar circumstance. He reached out via fb. What is the harm?
NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING GAINED. Life is all about being brave and sticking yourself out there. If the worst case is she is not interested and won't reply then you can move on quickly, knowing you tries.

Let us know how you get on and good luck

penguinbloke

Don’t do it. It’s creepy and overly familiar. You don’t know what her situation is but if she wants to match again she’ll be able to. Don’t build up some romantic “I found you on another platform” story in your head. Take the loss and move on.

JackieChang

OP again.

I just wanted to answer this question:

Dial Hard wrote: »

were you that busy that you couldn't have taken 30 seconds out of your ENTIRE long weekend to drop her a message???

First of all, I'm a Tinder n00b. It hasn't become a natural instinct yet to take out my phone every 10 minutes and check tinder. Also, I don't understand the psychology and hidden messages behind un-matching. Or even matching for that matter.

Second, I'm not desperate. So while I admit I did think about messaging her a couple of times, I decided to wait until after the weekend. Why did I wait so long? See third point below.

Third, it was a very busy and drunken bank holiday weekend. Like Hangover Movie style. Basically two birthday parties which were more like stag parties. Honestly, I was afraid that if I texted her, she would suggest we meet up. (She's 4km away and she also made the first approach by texting me first on Tinder). I was too drunk to think about dating. If it got to the "let's meet up" stage I'd have to make something up to avoid it. I couldn't tell her "I'm drinking with the lads. Talk to you next time." Anyway I wasn't recovered until the Tuesday when I decided to text her, and then she was gone.

I'm not trying to defend myself, just wanted to answer your question. Because it does seem kinda weird that I didn't text this "great match" for the whole weekend. If it seems like I made shi!t of a good opportunity, then fair enough. I agree.

Idle Passerby

JackieChang wrote: »

If it seems like I made shi!t of a good opportunity, then fair enough. I agree.

You didnt make a sh1t of it. If she unmatched you/deleted tinder suddenly she was more than likley never that interested in the first place. She's just one girl you exchanged a few texts with, no big deal and not worth mulling over.

osarusan

I wouldn't find it that creepy and stalkerish myself, but people will have different reactions.

I'm not familiar with tinder, but if I understand it correctly, she actively took steps to stop you from contacting her, and if so, I'd just leave it be.

Consider it a lesson learnt in terms of how (not) to interact on tinder in the future.

buried

Do what you like, but it sounds to me like you've put this person up on a pedestal already without even meeting them face to face, you are overthinking all this too much. It's just one person. Do not put anyone or anything up on some sort of pedestal until you actually get to know the whole ins and outs of who they or what they are. The world and the rest of your life is filled with countless opportunities and possibilities. Do not get hung up on a mere hour of chat to whoever it was