Autistic child wandering into house

Legodough

Hi,
I'm looking for advice on how to handle situation delicately. The neighbours young autistic child has wandered into our house through my patio door a few times and as she is non verbal I'm unsure how to handle . The last time her mom followed soon after, knocked on my open patio door,which goes through my bedroom, and came in and sat down! Didnt think to just take her child out.
The child has also started taking all my potted plants out of my patio area and I find them strewn around a communal lawn we all share.
I know this is so silly but it's really upsetting me as several have been broken and it's the first time I've ever spent money and effort to create a garden as I've never had a private outdoor area before.
I know I need to approach the mom but I do understand it must be tough for her so don't want to offend. But I really need to create a boundary of my patio!
Help

It's not silly, no fecking way should the mother have dared come in and just sat down.
Also she needs to keep better care of her autistic child, they shouldn't be able to just wander like that.

Just tell her outright that this has to stop. Just because her child is autistic doesn't absolve her of that behaviour

Reputable Rog

Legodough wrote: »

Hi,
I'm looking for advice on how to handle situation delicately. The neighbours young autistic child has wandered into our house through my patio door a few times and as she is non verbal I'm unsure how to handle . The last time her mom followed soon after, knocked on my open patio door,which goes through my bedroom, and came in and sat down! Didnt think to just take her child out.
The child has also started taking all my potted plants out of my patio area and I find them strewn around a communal lawn we all share.
I know this is so silly but it's really upsetting me as several have been broken and it's the first time I've ever spent money and effort to create a garden as I've never had a private outdoor area before.
I know I need to approach the mom but I do understand it must be tough for her so don't want to offend. But I really need to create a boundary of my patio!
Help

I have the same problem with a family who live behind. Their autistic boy is about 8/9 only speaks some African language.
I have been to the parents a number of times but to no avail.
The last time I spoke to the parents the father started beating him, which made me feel dreadful.
I was only reporting out of concern.
Last night he tried to get into my car whilst I was driving which was scary.
I spoke to a guard about it and he said to report it to Tusla as it could come under neglect.

drunkmonkey

Give the kid a break and see can you figure out what the experts haven't.

FriendsEV

Maybe talk to the kid and explain you can't take the pots and show the child your garden, it's probably just curious and fascinated

drunkmonkey

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Give the kid a break and see can you figure out what the experts haven't.

The kid is not at fault. The mother (and/or father) is. She came into the OP house and sat the hell down

FriendsEV

FriendsEV wrote: »

Maybe talk to the kid and explain you can't take the pots and show the child your garden, it's probably just curious and fascinated

Talk to a random autistic kid?

it sounds a bit easy to get into your house/garden tbh

Purple Mountain

FriendsEV wrote: »

Maybe talk to the kid and explain you can't take the pots and show the child your garden, it's probably just curious and fascinated

Don't do this.
You're leaving yourself wide open and vulnerable being alone with and befriending a child.
The parents need to be the one to explain boundaries to the child so it is through the parents that the OP must deal with this situation.

JMNolan

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Talk to a random autistic kid?

They are human beings you know

FriendsEV

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Talk to a random autistic kid?

They are neighbours

bertsmom

drunkmonkey wrote:

Give the kid a break and see can you figure out what the experts haven't.

But the child is not the ops responsibility and it's not like they are going on a big rant about the child. They are asking how to handle this sensitively so it's resolved amicably.
I don't have children myself and not a huge amount of interaction with them so I would be VERY uncomfortable if a neighbouring child autistic or not started entering my home and damaging items, In today's times even reprimanding the child as they are breaking things is probably not acceptable and leaves the OP open to accusations.
To be honest I think the worst part is that the mother just sits herself down in someone else's home uninvited!!!
In almost every situation I find it best to be as honest and direct as possible just let them know you don't want uninvited visits and that perhaps the child calling on their own isn't appropriate in Theese times.

JMNolan

JMNolan wrote: »

They are human beings you know

They are a vulnerable child that the neighbour has no right to talk to

FriendsEV

FriendsEV wrote: »

They are neighbours

And that matters how? No one has a right to "talk" with another's children (especially a vulnerable child)

FriendsEV

[Deleted User] wrote: »

They are a vulnerable child that the neighbour has no right to talk to

Thats a load of crap

the_pen_turner

Deleted User wrote: »

They are a vulnerable child that the neighbour has no right to talk to

come off it. so you have no right to talk to a child that wanders into your house.
whats the world coming to. its the kid that has no right to be there.

if this was an ordinary kid you would tell it to get out and stay out.

the kid being autistic adds complications to it. you have to be very gentle but firm. you dont want to scare the kid or traumatise him.

harr

As a dad with an autistic child I can tell it’s ok to converse with the child if he listens Is an other matter..
Our lad would wander if he got the chance but extra few precautions he doesn’t get the chance.
As the for the mom just coming in and sitting down just seems odd.
Definitely air your concern with the parents same as you would if it was a regular kids doing the same. He definitely shouldn’t be free to damage others property.
If it happened once it’s an accident but definitely shouldn’t happen repeatedly.
Our lad has bolted on occasion but the neighbors know the story and have been quick to contact me or try walk him back in.

893bet

Turn yourself in OP to be safe.

In the first page of posts it’s gone from you potted plants to you being 1 whisper to being the town pedo.

SEPT 23 1989

Is this the stage we have got to?

Talk to the kid ffs

Explain to him that causing a mess is not the best thing to do

Rubberchikken

Every child regardless, needs to learn boundaries. Its the parents responsibility to teach them.
The op gas a right to having their property left untouched.
Some parents will allow their kid to wander off into orher peoples home/over to a random table in a restaurant/wherever rather than man up and parent.

Op you need to speak to this adult. The type of people who let their kids wander about are often the ones who wail and shout the loudest when they think something/one has interacted with their kid without their sayso.
Protect yourself and your home. Ask this woman to speak to her child.

khaldrogo

drunkmonkey wrote:

Give the kid a break and see can you figure out what the experts haven't.

Absolute PC bleeding heart BS.
The woman had the right to privacy. She has a right to expect her property is not broken.

I would be making it very uninviting for the child a let them find some drunkmonkey to annoy

Purple Mountain

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Is this the stage we have got to?

Talk to the kid ffs

Explain to him that causing a mess is not the best thing to do

Yes unfortunately it is the stage
Regardless of whether it's a child who has autism or one who does not, if a child who you are unfamiliar with or isn't entrusted into your care wanders into your house, you are very naive and unwise to just try and engage in anything other than turning him on his heel and walking him to the parents door and making it clear that you don't feel comfortable having a strange child unsupervised in your house.

GreeBo

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Is this the stage we have got to?

Talk to the kid ffs

Explain to him that causing a mess is not the best thing to do

That might work with a "normal" kid, with a kid on the autistic spectrum its HIGHLY unlikely that they will either stop to acknowledge you, listen to you, or change their behaviour because of you.

The parents of this child are the ones that need to be spoken to, its their responsibilty to look after their child, no one elses.

Mountainsandh

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Yes unfortunately it is the stage
Regardless of whether it's a child who has autism or one who does not, if a child who you are unfamiliar with or isn't entrusted into your care wanders into your house, you are very naive and unwise to just try and engage in anything other than turning him on his heel and walking him to the parents door and making it clear that you don't feel comfortable having a strange child unsupervised in your house.

No, we don't have to bend to these makey uppy new social rules.

OP I would tell the child what I am doing and why ("this is my house, people don't just walk into someone else's house unless they are invited, and I will take you back to your Mum"), march him back to his house, and have a firm conversation with the mother. Emphasize that your home is not (autistic) child friendly, and that every time the child trespasses, there is a risk he might find some dangerous item, medication, etc... By allowing that behaviour, she is not only causing you inconvenience, but she is also putting/letting her child at risk (which, incidentally, would be a valid reason to let Tusla know).

drunkmonkey

bertsmom wrote: »

But the child is not the ops responsibility and it's not like they are going on a big rant about the child. They are asking how to handle this sensitively so it's resolved amicably.
I don't have children myself and not a huge amount of interaction with them so I would be VERY uncomfortable if a neighbouring child autistic or not started entering my home and damaging items, In today's times even reprimanding the child as they are breaking things is probably not acceptable and leaves the OP open to accusations.
To be honest I think the worst part is that the mother just sits herself down in someone else's home uninvited!!!
In almost every situation I find it best to be as honest and direct as possible just let them know you don't want uninvited visits and that perhaps the child calling on their own isn't appropriate in Theese times.

As you said you don't have children yourself .

*Mod note* please do not be derogatory towards other posters .Attack the post not the poster .
You'd be surprised what swapping one word in a conversation does to a kid that doesn't talk. Yes or no is a though question when you don't know how to answer it.
Try talking with people rather than asking them questions.

bertsmom

drunkmonkey wrote:

You'd be surprised what swapping one word in a conversation does to a kid that doesn't talk. Yes or no is a though question when you don't know how to answer it. Try talking with people rather than asking them questions.

drunkmonkey wrote:

As you said you don't have children yourself so stfu.

Nice real classy. I love your advice to try talking to people...I'd say you have a gift for just knowing the right thing to say😂

lukesmom

Ok you need to make it VERY clear to the mother that her kid must keep away from your house. She is responsible for him. He is not at fault so she needs to get her finger out and nip it in the bud asap.

lukesmom

Deleted User wrote:

They are a vulnerable child that the neighbour has no right to talk to

If someone big or small appears in my house you can be damn sure Im gonna talk to them.

punisher5112

Eh.... Kid get out of my home.

Tell parents happens again you will have to call guards as the way things are going you don't feel safe and are worried something could happen to the kid.

The mother coming in and sitting in your bedroom is beyond weird.

Is there any way to fit a sliding fence type thing at the door so you can open but difficult to just walk in?

cursai

I'm wondering who is the autistic person in this matter.

Mountainsandh

I spent the past few weeks talking to unknown children in campsites.
Granted, I usually had my own kids with me and the dog, and it was all about petting the dog etc... but there was an instance where a little girl wandered near our camper (again, after the cute doggy), there was only myself there, and I'll be damned if I'm made feel so uncomfortable as not to talk to a child in that situation.

If a parent lets a child wander around, then they should reasonably expect that in some situations adults may talk to the child. Teach the child basic safety rules or keep them within sight at all times, that's all there is to it.

Also, I would address an autistic child whether or not they show response. They may well hear and understand what you are saying without any obvious sign that they do. They may also just store the information until they are ready to process it at a later stage.

GreeBo

cursai wrote: »

I'm wondering who is the autistic person in this matter.

Its the neighbours child.
OP was pretty clear tbf.

GreeBo

Mountainsandh wrote: »

I spent the past few weeks talking to unknown children in campsites.
Granted, I usually had my own kids with me and the dog, and it was all about petting the dog etc... but there was an instance where a little girl wandered near our camper (again, after the cute doggy), there was only myself there, and I'll be damned if I'm made feel so uncomfortable as not to talk to a child in that situation.

If a parent lets a child wander around, then they should reasonably expect that in some situations adults may talk to the child. Teach the child basic safety rules or keep them within sight at all times, that's all there is to it.

Also, I would address an autistic child whether or not they show response. They may well hear and understand what you are saying without any obvious sign that they do. They may also just store the information until they are ready to process it at a later stage.

Oh you can talk to the child all you want, but to change the childs behaviour you need to talk to the parent.

Mountainsandh

GreeBo wrote: »

Oh you can talk to the child all you want, but to change the childs behaviour you need to talk to the parent.

Agreed. I'm just looking at how disrespectful it seems to ignore a child and march them like a puppet back to their house without a word.

SEPT 23 1989

Mountainsandh wrote: »

I spent the past few weeks talking to unknown children in campsites.
Granted, I usually had my own kids with me and the dog, and it was all about petting the dog etc... but there was an instance where a little girl wandered near our camper (again, after the cute doggy), there was only myself there, and I'll be damned if I'm made feel so uncomfortable as not to talk to a child in that situation.

If a parent lets a child wander around, then they should reasonably expect that in some situations adults may talk to the child. Teach the child basic safety rules or keep them within sight at all times, that's all there is to it.

Also, I would address an autistic child whether or not they show response. They may well hear and understand what you are saying without any obvious sign that they do. They may also just store the information until they are ready to process it at a later stage.

Well said

drunkmonkey

bertsmom wrote: »

Nice real classy. I love your advice to try talking to people...I'd say you have a gift for just knowing the right thing to say��

You don't get it, trial and error, you may phrase a question to a kid and they don't respond. Try not asking a question and talking with them, you'd be surprised what can happen.

Conversation is an art. Not everyone figures it out first go.

This is way over your head but some parents will understand.

killanena

My brother who is non verbal autistic used to do the exact same to our neighbours growing up. Its easy to say the mother should be keeping a better eye on the child but if they are determined to do something they will do it.

Our neighbours to the left were very nice about the whole thing, be time my brother walked in through their back door into their kitchen and helped himself go a can of 7up from their fridge and then produced to go into the sitting room and sit down next to the father of the house and watch TV with him. He still talks about it to this day and finds it very funny.

Neighbours to our right who were a well respected family in the area and of considerable wealth set their dog on him.. Even though they knew about his disability, he got bitten badly in the legs before making it over the wall again and to this day he is still terrified by u st the sight of a dog and will freak out even if one is just on TV.

Fall_Guy

drunkmonkey wrote: »

You don't get it, trial and error, you may phrase a question to a kid and they don't respond. Try not asking a question and talking with them, you'd be surprised what can happen.

Conversation is an art. Not everyone figures it out first go.

This is way over your head but some parents will understand.

The child in question has autism and is non verbal....you can take from that they do not posess the art of conversation.

And it is highly unlikely that they will have the receptive language skills to process your artfully phrased conversation.

And on the off chance that they do take in exactly what you are saying, it is highly unlikely that they will be motivated to discontinue the unwanted behaviour just to please their neighbour when they are clearly getting some enjoyment and/or sensory feedback from the act of playing with/breaking the pots.

Unfortunately if the neighbour doesn't seem to be willing / able to ensure that their child can't get onto the OP's property, the OP will have to take steps to adapt their property so the child can't access it so easily.

To expect the child to follow the instruction of their neighbour and do as they are told following a chat is completely unfair on the child and completely unrealistic given their autism, no matter how much trial and error you are willing to engage in.

hairyslug

Whatever you say, you will be doing this woman a favour, there have been times I've asked my wife where my boy is and we don't know, we panic and then find him in the house somewhere, every door and window in our house has a lock on it because we learnt the hard way, he had gotten out and made it down the driveway onto the road.

The woman is lucky that he hasn't properly got lost.

You can also talk to the boy and tell him what he's doing is wrong but if it was my son, chances are he would just giggle at you and walk off.

Malayalam

Aww that's rough. Poor little kid. The mother sounds at the least lackadaisical. I would object far, far more to her coming into my home than to the kid wandering in. Might even be inclined to befriend the kid, since they seem interested in being with you. But the mother would be an added extra to that relationship that would put me right off.

Yeah, I know it's awkward on you, not saying it's not, it sure is, but maybe you can frame the whole situation completely differently?

I have autistic child relatives and they love garden plants, but while looking intently at one they will trample mercilessly over all the ones behind them. Some kind of lack of spatial awareness, maybe...

Is there a way you could combine all your smaller pots into a few large pot arrangements, so the pots themselves are too heavy to move? And then if you see the child approaching the plants go out and explain about the plants to them, kneel down and stroke the leaves and petals really softly and talk about how the flowers need to be touched very, very gently. Kind of personify the plants, so that the child can see them more individually and intimately. Maybe the child will learn to love growing things - could be what the mother needs to do in her own garden with the child.
I dunno. Maybe this child needs some beneficial interaction (aka affection) with you?

covey09

As a Dad to an Autistic son, i find the whole thread disheartening. To those that have pointed the finger to the mother, you have no idea how hard it is living with a non verbal autistic child. The mother i'm sure is doing her level best but i'm sure there are times when even she cannot have eyes in the back of her head. Talk to the mum and see if you can come up with a solution. Some people do have neighbors that call around for a chat its call community you should all try it. The child has a disability which is hard enough on him and his family i would educate your self on autism it might make future interaction with the child easier for both of you.

covey09

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Don't do this.
You're leaving yourself wide open and vulnerable being alone with and befriending a child.
The parents need to be the one to explain boundaries to the child so it is through the parents that the OP must deal with this situation.

The child is non verbal and has autism. Boundaries are not on their agenda

covey09

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Is this the stage we have got to?

Talk to the kid ffs

Explain to him that causing a mess is not the best thing to do

He is Autistic and non verbal, are you sure you are neurotypical as you responce would lead be to believe you are ignorant with regards to the child disability.

covey09

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Every child regardless, needs to learn boundaries. Its the parents responsibility to teach them.
The op gas a right to having their property left untouched.
Some parents will allow their kid to wander off into orher peoples home/over to a random table in a restaurant/wherever rather than man up and parent.

Op you need to speak to this adult. The type of people who let their kids wander about are often the ones who wail and shout the loudest when they think something/one has interacted with their kid without their sayso.
Protect yourself and your home. Ask this woman to speak to her child.

Man up eh! the child has autism, he is trying to live in a world that was build for you and me (neurotically). He has a Disability and you think that parenting can solve autism. Sit down your embarrassing yourself

fima

We had a similar thing going on, new family moved in and they had a young child with autism. He was a wanderer and he would often arrive in our front door for a chat and a look around.

Then there would be a knock on the door and one of his parents would be behind him to take him home. It was easy for him to escape because of the layout of the houses, no boundaries or gates just front gardens around a semi circle.

His parents built a big fence and gate and solved the issue not that we minded but it wasn’t very safe considering if he could get to us he could go further.

Malayalam

covey09 wrote: »

Some people do have neighbors that call around for a chat its call community you should all try it. .

I agree with you. But this person walked through her bedroom. That's a bit much. One old farmer here walked straight through my porch, inner hallway and into my living room without knocking. I was lying on the floor in my underwear, eyes closed, relaxing. First I knew about him he was standing looking down at me with the kettle in his hand. Feck that for neighbourliness.

covey09

khaldrogo wrote: »

Absolute PC bleeding heart BS.
The woman had the right to privacy. She has a right to expect her property is not broken.

I would be making it very uninviting for the child a let them find some drunkmonkey to annoy[/


You don't need to go putting up barricades and Walls lol........Don't worry your personality is uninviting enough

*Mod* attack the post not the poster

whelan2

Malayalam wrote: »

I agree with you. But this person walked through her bedroom. That's a bit much. One old farmer here walked straight through my porch, inner hallway and into my living room without knocking. I was lying on the floor in my underwear, eyes closed, relaxing. First I knew about him he was standing looking down at me with the kettle in his hand. Feck that for neighbourliness.

That’s way different. He was an adult who should have known better. This is a child who doesn't no any better.

Malayalam

whelan2 wrote: »

That’s way different. He was an adult who should have known better. This is a child who doesn't no any better.

No, you misread me. The person who walked through the bedroom was the mother. I already said the OP could befriend the child.

Blazer

As a father of 2 autistic children it’s very hard to be constantly watching them.
However he shouldn’t under any circumstances be wandering outside the house. We still use baby gates, keep the keys up right so our sons can’t break out. When they get older we’ll have problems alright with it.
There’s a huge amount of ignoranance on this thread regarding autism.

First off under no circumstances frogmarch the child back to their parents or touch them. Some autistic children could get extremely upset at this and have a meltdown and get violent.
I would definitely advise talking to the mother and explaining your concerns etc specially around potential hazards in your home which could put her child at risk.
Also our eldest used to go through a phrase of picking all the flowers at my mothers but she used to take him around the garden, showing him all the different flowers and getting him to smell them etx. He stopped soon after and really enjoys wandering around the garden now.
I’m saying this as it could help if he repeatably gets out and that this could help with the garden issue.
One more thing, having an autistic child is one of the most tiring things in the world.
I’ve often had other parents say to me “all children are like that” but no , it’s not even close to it.
Around 60% of parents with autistic children split up due to the pressure of it, the amount of single mothers with autistic children near me is frightening and I honestly don’t know how they cope being on their own day in day out.

Maybe get to know the mother and once you get to know her it will be easier to set some boundaries for what her child can or cannot do.
Regarding her just stopping and talking to you mothers crave some adult conversation as listening to their child all day or dealing with their trantrums is headwrecking and it’s the same with all mothers regardless whether of their children.

Again some people will ignore what I’ve posted or the other father but dealing with an autistic child is completely different from dealing with a normal child and so must be approached differently.

ZX7R

I am also a father of a child with level 3 autism spectrum disorder and severe intelligeual disabilitys under the mental health act.
I feel sorry for all parties involved, firstly the child been non verbal means he disability is severe, boundaries and reasoning is beyond there understanding,takes a life time to try teach them if ever.
These children will be always trying to find new stimulus thus are always a flight risk, especially if they discover a new stimulus outside their safe area.
Sadly if this child is repeatedly been able to feel his safe area it is firmly down to the parents to stop this,yes it would be nice if the coumunity could help but sadly in day and age everyone looks after themselves.
If the garden area is a shared area it would be very hard to contain the child.
Please don't involve the gardi ,as soon have suggested, talk to the parents ,if this doesn't work contact your local social carer as the child Life could be in danger.