Fiance's parents and arguments

LegacyUser

I'm hoping someone can offer some advice here.

My fiance and his parents have a very close (IMO, too close!) relationship. He will ring them or they will ring him at least once a day, possibly more.

The problem is; if they have an argument they will completely ignore him. It goes from 100% to nothing and it really upsets my fiance.

We've been together 4 years and in those 4 years, there have been approx. 5 fights. The majority of the fights they are (IMO) in the wrong but I'm obviously going to think that because the fights are about me. Like most mothers, she thinks he can do better than me and if I do anything slightly wrong she will use it as an excuse to have a go at him. She never confronts me about things I've done wrong.* If he stands up to her, tells her to back off or to let it go, she will stop talking to him. They could stop talking to him anything from 3 weeks to 3 months.

When they are ignoring him he gets really upset/depressed about it. Doesn't really eat or exercise much. It's like he's in grieving. There's nothing I can do or say to help. He's just so sad. At one point I contemplated ending our relationship because I felt like him being so depressed was my fault because the fights are about me.

I'm pregnant and due in 3 weeks. Since I got pregnant there has been no fights and everything has been gravy, I can do no wrong so things have been great. Last weekend, however, his mother rang him and they were talking about something and he said something that was very insensitive. She hung up on him instantly and he text her straight away apologising that he shouldn't have said it. He has tried to ring every day since and both his mother and his father have ignored or cancelled the calls. He has sent texts apologising and all have been ignored.

*Examples of things I've done wrong: Not taken 2 days off work midweek to go to a family birthday (I had no holidays to take), refuse to get married in a church, made what she perceived to be an inappropriate comment on a fb post which I deleted 30mins later and apologised for.

I was thinking about sending his mother a message asking her to please stop ignoring him that it's upsetting him and him being upset is upsetting me but I'm not sure. Like for all they know he could be ringing to tell them I'm in labour. Any opinions?

Big Bag of Chips

I'd say stop chasing them. You are about to have their grandchild. If they want to be part of the child's life, then it's up to them to include themselves, not up to you to chase them.

They sound very immature. And almost like they enjoy the drama of ignoring him, and having him ring them begging forgiveness. I would certainly not contact them telling them he is upset, and in turn you are. That is playing into their hands.

Don't contact them again. Tell your finance to give them time to cool down and not to contact them either. I'd be fairly certain once they stop hearing from you, they'll come looking to see what's going on. They wouldn't like to have it known that they didn't know about the birth of the grandchild.

Ghekko

That's very petty behaviour from his parents. Your fiancé could probably do with some space from the intensity of the relationship. I wouldn't contact them. Let them stew. Concentrate on your own family unit now - with baby arriving you will both be busy and have enough to think about without fussing over his parents childish carry on. I'd only be telling them when baby has arrived, not when you're in labour. You can do without them turning up at the hospital! Taking a step back now and setting boundaries will hopefully prevent further arguments down the line. You can do without her arriving unannounced to your house criticising your parenting skills!

LegacyUser

My husband has a narcissistic mother. His talks to his father most days. There was an issue straight after we had our baby... the first grandchild.. and they stopped talking to us for 6weeks.

They issue was that I intentionally came home late from the hospital to waste their time waiting (baby was sick and discharge was delayed 2 hours)
I asked his sister to wash her hands before holding new born (this was disrespectful to her)
And I said she couldn’t stay in our house straight after baby was born as I was just getting used to it all.. she had stayed for free for weeks before this with barely a thanks. Didn’t even clean up after herself and I was heavily pregnant.

I since believe the real issue was that all the attention was on me and that annoyed his mother . His sister who used to be nice has turned into his mother so was happy to go along with it too.

It caused a lot of arguments with my husband blaming me for the fact that he couldn’t speak to his dad. I don’t want anything to do with them. They are toxic people.

I think his mother only got back in touch because people would have been asking about the grandchild and she didn’t even have a picture of him.

She got into a habit of ringing every day for a video chat but there was another issue relating to their brother and she stopped talking to my husband again. Now she rarely rings and he will rarely send any pictures but he can ring his dad fine so it’s the perfect set up... until the next time she has one of her episodes.

Your husband needs to know this isn’t normal behavior on his parents part. Maybe read up on narcissistic families to see is it similar.

nikkibikki

They are behaving like spoilt children! And are treating him as a child who needs to be chastised! They need to start treating him like an adult.

I'd normally say to leave their relationship between them and be there to support your partner, but in this instance, as it seems to be affecting your relationship, I think I'd be suggesting to him to stop bombarding them with calls and texts, leave it open to them opening up the lines of communication. Attempt to call them when the baby is born to let them know if ye don't hear from them first.

Definitely don't get involved as an inbetween. This won't bode well for anyone.

jimgoose

His mother is a controlling, bullying, interfering hatchet who has WAY too much to do with your and your fiancé's daily lives and she needs to be put back in her box. I suggest you start by ignoring her, and you could start doing a bit of ignoring at home as well, if he persists in making your life unpleasant with bullshit about his mother.

Xterminator

Hi Op

the problem is the relationship between him and his parents. Its settled into a pattern and they are unlikely in the short term to change their ways.

There is nothing you can do to 'fix' it. Not a thing. What you can do is be there and supportive for your partner.

The one thing that might change the dynamics here, is the grandchild. It might help (although it might not) because the grandchild is an innocent party, and his parents may have tho common sense not to punish the child too.

Is this the 1st grand child?

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies.

I agree, it's completely childish and it's very petty. I don't understand how they think this is a good use of their time or energy.

This is the first grandchild, yes. They are due to visit us next weekend to meet my parents. This will be the 3rd occasion they were to meet them but like the last two times, it has coincided with a fight where they ignore him and the meeting never goes ahead. I very much doubt this meeting will go ahead either.

I won't send them a message or get involved. I just hate seeing my fiance so upset.

bee06

Most mothers don’t think their sons can do better! His parents sound like complete drama queens. Stop catering to their drama.

kob29

No matter how flat you make a pancake it still has two sides!

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LegacyUser

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Thank you for your reply. Thankfully, if we have an argument he doesn't give me the silent treatment. We normally have a full-on screaming match and then it's over and done with (Dunno if that's better or worse TBH! ).

I've suggested that he go speak to someone professionally about this. Another thing they do when they are fighting with him (before the ignore-fest) is that they bring up things from years and years ago. He was brought home by the guards when he was 15 for being drunk and they love bringing that up and how he shamed the family.

I really thought the last time that this happened, when they ignored him for 3 months over us both saying we weren't getting married in a church (but they put the blame solely on me), that he wouldn't ever be close to them again. He stopped asking for forgiveness that time but then 3 months on he caved.

I have asked him to stop grovelling and trying to contact him that he's only playing into their hands and upsetting himself.

I told my family that his family were ignoring him again and they just rolled their eyes. They aren't really bothered meeting them again.

I will 100% pick up one or more of those books. Thank you for the recommendation.

Big Bag of Chips

This is the perfect opportunity for him not to cave. You are due in a few weeks. If he can hold out until then, all he has to do is send the same generic text to them as you will be sending to all your friends "Baby boy/girl born at whatever time, whatever weight, mum and baby healthy and happy" and then leave it at that.

No need for apologies or anything else. Have they ever apologised for cancelling meeting your parents twice? Even that shows an immaturity and control. Things will only happen on their terms.

valoren

Agreed on the recommendation to read up as being forewarned is forearmed.
As it is, don't spend the next 3 weeks wondering or worrying about his parents but look forward to the birth of your child.
It's a happy, exciting time and his mother was well aware of that but decided to create a problem from nothing to try and ruin it for you both.
She doesn't have the tact or respect for either of you to just stop that behavior. even for a little while.

From what you've described, his mother is very controlling and manipulative.
The silent treatment is her basic 'go to' manipulation tactic.
By your OH getting so upset merely fosters and enables that all the more. She knows it works like a charm.
If he can't see how his mother bringing up something he did at 15 to shame him isn't her being a controlling manipulator then he needs to pretty sharpish. If he can't have the self respect to have a problem with someone hanging up so rudely on him (and then actually apologizing) then he needs to see the bigger picture. It can't be comfortable for any one to come to the realization that their parent could be that way, it's part of maturing, seeing your parents as adults after becoming one yourself. Sometimes you realize they're toxic, nasty people and your OH needs to come to terms with that.

It seems that things may reach the point where your OH will need to give an ultimatum about her childish behavior and from what you've said, this could potentially devastate him. Either she cops on and stops causing drama and trouble or she'll be cut off for peace of mind. Toxic people invite you to play a game only they can win, and sadly the only way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with them. Your OH needs to see the intrinsic value in that.

What was it he said on the phone which triggered this latest development?
Clearly the focus and attention will naturally be on you both with the pending arrival.
It could be a case of her setting him up during their last conversation by raising a past issue and the second he said something (anything) untoward she used it to trigger this latest development. My suspicion is that deep down she is an attention seeker. You get the majority of his attention, with a baby on the way she'll get even less. In her insecurity about that, it makes her cause such needless fuss and drama. To not give them anything to say, simply inform them as mentioned above of the birth but certainly don't give any more thought to them. They'll be more than aware of the power of access you both now have. You're OH needs to learn some self respect and that you both have the choice of continuing to deal with his toxic parents. To that end, an ultimatum is always best but following through on that same ultimatum where it isn't heeded is better.

Emme

Check out narcissistic parents and silent treatment. Then get your fiance to check it out.

Good luck with the new baby. Do you have family of your own close by or friends? You will need all the support you can get.

Flippyfloppy

fianceparents wrote: »

I'm pregnant and due in 3 weeks. Since I got pregnant there has been no fights and everything has been gravy, I can do no wrong so things have been great.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but judging by her type, the whole you doing no wrong thing is about to end, in say 2-5 weeks time. They do not sound like the type of grandparents who will respect boundaries or parents wishes.

Take the recent event as a blessing. They’re the ones who’ve drawn a line under the relationship. Much easier than you having to cut them out/limit their time when you’re totally sleep deprived because they’re complaining about how you want to feed/co-sleep/start solids/comfort YOUR baby. Trust me, it’s annoying.

LegacyUser

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but judging by her type, the whole you doing no wrong thing is about to end, in say 2-5 weeks time. They do not sound like the type of grandparents who will respect boundaries or parents wishes.

Take the recent event as a blessing. They’re the ones who’ve drawn a line under the relationship. Much easier than you have to cut them out/limit their time when you’re totally sleep deprived because they’re complaining about how you want to feed/co-sleep/start solids/comfort YOUR baby. Trust me, it’s annoying.

I actually had thought that it was due to come to an end and my parenting skills would be brought into question. Not to my face though, it would be said to him.

valoren wrote: »

What was it he said on the phone which triggered this latest development?

I'm not going to get into what he said in detail but he expressed his opinion about the validity of someone's circumstances. He thought he was able to express his opinion to his parents but since they are of the opposite opinion they shut down the conversation. Now, it definitely wasn't the right time to bring it up and he knows that now but I don't think their reaction is warranted.

It's like what someone else said, it was like they were just looking for a reason to have a fight.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

This is the perfect opportunity for him not to cave. You are due in a few weeks. If he can hold out until then, all he has to do is send the same generic text to them as you will be sending to all your friends "Baby boy/girl born at whatever time, whatever weight, mum and baby healthy and happy" and then leave it at that.

No need for apologies or anything else. Have they ever apologised for cancelling meeting your parents twice? Even that shows an immaturity and control. Things will only happen on their terms.

I *think* they might have apologised to my parents over a text but not 100% sure on that.

He wanted to send one more message to them saying that he had tried to contact them X amount of times and was leaving it up to them. His reasoning behind this was that he knows them and knows that when they do eventually start talking to him they will shift the blame to him that he 'stopped trying to contact them'. I told him I think he should leave it and we compremised on once last phonecall to try to reach out to them. They cancelled his call so now he's said he's not going to ring again.

My fear now is that they are going to start texting/ringing me asking for updates on my pregnancy etc. I feel like I would be betraying my fiance by replying to them.

Rubberchikken

I think neither side has anything to recommend it.
You say your oh has said insensitive things. Yes hes apologised but thinking through what you're saying to people can help save a lot of hassle.
I agree his parents (mother) sound immature. The way theyre all behaving is the way they've behaved all your oh's life and only they can change this.
Dont add to it by taking sides. They will be your childs grandparents. They are the parents if a person you're having a child with. Maybe ask him to see what changes he can make in his relationship with them.

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I think neither side has anything to recommend it.
You say your oh has said insensitive things. Yes hes apologised but thinking through what you're saying to people can help save a lot of hassle.
I agree his parents (mother) sound immature. The way theyre all behaving is the way they've behaved all your oh's life and only they can change this.
Dont add to it by taking sides. They will be your childs grandparents. They are the parents if a person you're having a child with. Maybe ask him to see what changes he can make in his relationship with them.

Sorry I don't agree. It probably didn't make a difference what he said, his mother was probably ready to start a fight with him anyway.

And I 100% agree with what he said. I don't agree that it was the right time but I'd back his opinion on this completely. Surely he should be allowed to express his opinions to his parents without it resulting in them ignoring him? Even if they don't agree with them?

Sure his mother was very vocal about her pro-life stance during the recent referendum and neither I or my fiance agreed with them but we didn't ignore her because of her opinion on something.

And given the turbulent relationship I've had thus far with his parents, I'm always going to side with my fiance.

Big Bag of Chips

fianceparents wrote: »

My fear now is that they are going to start texting/ringing me asking for updates on my pregnancy etc. I feel like I would be betraying my fiance by replying to them.

Of course it would! You can't encourage him to not go running after them if you are not going to stand by what you say. They're capable of ignoring texts and cancelling calls... what's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that. Don't reply to texts. Don't answer calls.

If they contact your fiance to apologise then maybe you could reconsider your stance. But if they don't approach him to make amends, then I wouldn't be too interested in facilitating their treatment of him by allowing them to contact you in an effort to bypass him.

Ghekko

If you get a text from them asking for updates on your pregnancy I'd ignore it. Give them a taste of their own rotten medicine! You don't owe them anything. I can't believe they would cancel a call from their son. It's pathetic. I'm glad your fiancé is seeing sense and taking a step back.

Steviesol

Simple. Never contact them again , tell your husband go to talk any good counsellor about his Inner Child issues.

He needs to dig deep, he will never change them. He needs to change himself, and stop putting his hand out to be slapped . I know it only too well . They love the drama. They crave the attention , forget about them and concentrate on your own family. Best of luck with the birth .

Do not get roped in after . Stay vigilant.

Emme

OP if possible you should both go No Contact with his parents. For the sake of your child if not for your sakes. Do you really want to expose your child to this emotional abuse?

LegacyUser

Emme - yeh I've taken on board the advice given in this thread (I appreciate it all, thank you everyone) and if they contact me I will ignore them.

I agree that this behaviour can not go on. What if in the future my child asks his father can he talk to granny and grandad and he has to say no because they are ignoring us. It's just not fair.

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Steviesol

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I would strongly advise against this, all you are doing is getting in the ring with them time and time again, which they will love.

No Contact, no excuses. Get on with your life.

nikkibikki

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They'll just say something to make her snap and engage in conversation just so they can paint her, and her partner, as the bad guy.


OP, I'd even go as far as blocking their numbers on your phone so you won't have to ignore them or answer. You can easily unblock if things settle down. It's up to him to manage the relationship with his parents, not you. You are there to support him.

Emme

fianceparents wrote: »

Emme - yeh I've taken on board the advice given in this thread (I appreciate it all, thank you everyone) and if they contact me I will ignore them.

I agree that this behaviour can not go on. What if in the future my child asks his father can he talk to granny and grandad and he has to say no because they are ignoring us. It's just not fair.

Check out support sites for children of narcissist parents on the internet. They will explain the importance of going No Contact, especially when children are concerned. If granny and grandad emotionally abuse the child's parents why should the parents sacrifice the child for emotional abuse to appease the grandparents?

No Contact. It is the only way.

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Emme

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No Contact is a common tactic when dealing with narcissists. It is the only way to get them out of your hair. His parents are giving them the Silent Treatment which is a manipulative narcissistic tactic.

Silent Treatment is used to punish the narcissists victim to get them to apologise for their supposed misdemeanours (usually non-existent) and to try harder to do the narcissists bidding.

No Contact means exactly that. Cut the narcissists out of your life. Have nothing more to do with them. Sweet freedom.

Steviesol

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But thats what they are doing?

I dont think that thats a healthy response either. You can behave like an adult and calmly explain that you wont be used as a go between so until they quit the silent treatment - dont call again please.

That's on their terms, I have dealt with narccisists in the past and the only solution is no contact . I think the last poster has summed it up perfectly.

I suggest you read up on it . Very interesting .

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Steviesol

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Yes that is what I am suggesting, logic goes out the window when it comes with Narcissistic people . It took me years of "toing" and "froing" with similar grand parents and it took no contact at all to finally gain freedom. If I had of known then what I know now etc...

Emme

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No Contact unless you want to spend all your life at the beck and call of the narcissist and having all communication on their terms. The grandchildren will learn from that and grow up with very messed up ideas of communication and relationships.

No Contact is the only healthy way to deal with narcissists.

LegacyUser

Steviesol wrote: »

I would strongly advise against this, all you are doing is getting in the ring with them time and time again, which they will love.

No Contact, no excuses. Get on with your life.

I'm not going to take that advice. The last thing I want now is to be bang in the middle of this and be an in-between for them.

For as long as they are ignoring him, I won't be responding to them.