Have given up on husband and think we need to separate

feebee12

Hello all

Looking for some advice I suppose although I don't know if I already know deep down what I need to do.

I have been in a very turbulent relationship for the last 9 years with my husband. He has time and time again betrayed my trust with other women....he always says it's just flirting but it's very suggestive messages and very disrespectful to me.

He is sneaky, covert and always hiding things. Each time I call him out on his behaviour he manages to manipulate the situation and it always ends with him saying that he's going through a rough time mental health wise etc.

A few weeks ago I found out that he does recreational cocaine when he's not with me... he fully admitted this and then it spiralled into a I want to take my own life conversation from him.

I check his phone on a regular basis - as I need to protect myself and my son if he's up to anything and last night I came across disgusting porn clips that he is sending to his mates - crude and degrading.

He is constantly flirting on WhatsApp with female colleagues. we were together last week for the first time in months and a few days later I see that while he was out he was sending a girl photos - innocent ones of a row of prosecco with the caption saw this and thought of you. I also came across his account on Instagram - which I didn't even know he was on. He is following a few women on that who have very provocative profile pictures.

I just can't take anymore to be honest and I have my son to think about. But we are tied together not just in marriage but also in the enormous debt we have accrued with mortgage, car and about four short term loans.
He says he loves me and wants to work it out but it's been nine years now- he will never change and I only have one life to live. But I'm terrified of uprooting my child's life and wonder should I try to stick it out for him. I don't trust my husband and can't think of how I could even go about trusting him again.


Any advice is welcome

brevity

I think counselling is probably the best option here. There seems to be a breakdown of trust and respect. Ye need an intermediary to help fix things imo.

If counselling isn't an option, could someone take your child for a weekend while ye chat things over.

He said he wants to work it out and thats positive so focus on that.

I'd stop going through his phone too...I don't think it's helping but...and I don't know how to properly phrase this...could you ask in an inadvertent way the concerns you have with what you found on his phone?

TheBoyConor

You've had multiple conversations with him over the years and still he has not changed one bit and it's 9 years on. Talking is a waste of time - he is not going to change.

Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Why would you be bothered flogging a dead horse OP.
Speak to a solicitor about separation.

power pants

Is looking at his phone constantly, really a way of “protecting you”?

Also I understand some of your concerns especially the cocaine part but other parts less so

It seems apparent nothing is going to change so have 2 options

Live in limbo of checking and spying on him and his phone

Or

Leave

LegacyUser

Other than the cocaine I'm not seeing the betrayal here OP. You say he hides things but maybe it's because he has a wife that allows him no privacy.

Is there a reason you are so dismissive of his mental health issues? they way you describe it here makes it read like you think it's an excuse/fake to get out of trouble with you.

He sent porn and follows some racy instagram accounts...what is the issue if its not illegal material? I know some people are uncomfortable with the idea of porn and think there partners shouldn't need if they have them but it's 99% of the time harmless (I'm female btw) Same with the instagram models - no different to page 3 girls. Also why the angry over him having an instragm account you didn't know about. Do you keep nothing from him?

The drug is an issue he needs to address as well as any genuine mental health issues but other then that I'm not sure what you are protecting your child from?

Your options are as someone said above OP continue dealing with it or separate. Time apart might help clear some things up or might help you see divorce as the best option.

Emme

I would be concerned about the loans and your joint debts. Recreational cocaine is not cheap. I would advise seeking legal advice for yourself and counselling for both of you if he's willing to go with that. Eitherways get the legal advice first.

professore

I just can't take anymore to be honest and I have my son to think about. But we are tied together not just in marriage but also in the enormous debt we have accrued with mortgage, car and about four short term loans.

I'm not going to make excuses for him, what he's doing is totally wrong and inappropriate, and must be putting you under enormous strain.

As a husband with kids who through bad life circumstances, ended up in some debt a while back, mainly taken on by my wife, that thankfully is now under control, I find this line telling.

Getting in enormous debt is no different, or if anything is worse psychologically for me, than taking cocaine, drinking to excess, chasing women etc. At least you can get on with your life in most cases after that - barring bankruptcy, which I would see as the far lesser of two evils.

I was tempted to go off the rails myself to be honest. Even more so if you are the main breadwinner; all the debt and pressure to pay it falls on you, restricts your flexibility with career, as you have to take the highest paid work regardless of what it does to your health and sanity, and also means less time with your kids and family. It leads to a lot of resentment - which could come out in the way it seems to be in your husband.

Which one of you pushed for the enormous debt and loans? One thing that drove me insane is how she spoke of "we took on this debt" "we used the credit cards" etc etc. Now to be honest I didn't keep a close enough eye on it but I trusted her not to let our debts get into dangerous territory.

Now we make a good income, have cleared most of our debts, paid off our mortgage and have started building savings, but drive a 12 year old car and to look at us you would say we were poorer than the family next door on social welfare - but we are much happier and more secure, and really want for nothing.

I'm only posting this as I said not as an excuse, or assigning blame, but as a possible explanation why your husband is acting the way he is. Perhaps it's completely wrong and it's him borrowing like a drunken sailor, or he is just an asshole, but in that case it could also be the root of his issues. If it is then there is hope.

LegacyUser

Are the loans going on coke?

feebee12

power pants wrote: »

Is looking at his phone constantly, really a way of “protecting you”?

Also I understand some of your concerns especially the cocaine part but other parts less so

It seems apparent nothing is going to change so have 2 options

Live in limbo of checking and spying on him and his phone

Or

Leave

Thank you for the replies. No it's not protecting me at all if I'm honest but at least I feel I'm not being left in the dark. And yes, you are right. They do seem to be my two options...

feebee12

professore wrote: »

I'm not going to make excuses for him, what he's doing is totally wrong and inappropriate, and must be putting you under enormous strain.

As a husband with kids who through bad life circumstances, ended up in some debt a while back, mainly taken on by my wife, that thankfully is now under control, I find this line telling.

Getting in enormous debt is no different, or if anything is worse psychologically for me, than taking cocaine, drinking to excess, chasing women etc. At least you can get on with your life in most cases after that - barring bankruptcy, which I would see as the far lesser of two evils.

I was tempted to go off the rails myself to be honest. Even more so if you are the main breadwinner; all the debt and pressure to pay it falls on you, restricts your flexibility with career, as you have to take the highest paid work regardless of what it does to your health and sanity, and also means less time with your kids and family. It leads to a lot of resentment - which could come out in the way it seems to be in your husband.

Which one of you pushed for the enormous debt and loans? One thing that drove me insane is how she spoke of "we took on this debt" "we used the credit cards" etc etc. Now to be honest I didn't keep a close enough eye on it but I trusted her not to let our debts get into dangerous territory.

Now we make a good income, have cleared most of our debts, paid off our mortgage and have started building savings, but drive a 12 year old car and to look at us you would say we were poorer than the family next door on social welfare - but we are much happier and more secure, and really want for nothing.

I'm only posting this as I said not as an excuse, or assigning blame, but as a possible explanation why your husband is acting the way he is. Perhaps it's completely wrong and it's him borrowing like a drunken sailor, or he is just an asshole, but in that case it could also be the root of his issues. If it is then there is hope.

Thank you for your reply. The debts we have accrued are down to doing extensive work on our house which needed to be done and a new car - not so much needed! Two of the loans are in my name and two in his. The mortgage is joint . I also work and have been the main breadwinner wage wise until he got a bump in salary last year. I am also stressed at work, tired, worn out, organise all the domestic duties and childcare so I can't really see how he has a difficult life at home...everything is done and taken care of by me apart from maybe him taking out the bin etc.... I think the main grievance I feel is the acute disrespect he has shown me over and over again. I think seeking legal advice is the way to proceed.

TheBoyConor

Absolutely. Your life sounds to be a case of over work and rushing from one stressor to the next between work, family and home life.

Life is too short to live like that and he is never going to change.

Definitely go and have legal advice from a good family law solicitor and begin the process of separation so that you can be free of the stress and drama that he is bringing into your life.

Dial Hard

Have you ever gone for marriage counselling? If not, I'd make this the first port of call before heading straight to the solicitor, but only if you're both committed to the process and to trying to work things out. 9 years of habit and hurt is not going to be fixed overnight.

nikkibikki

can't log in wrote:

Other than the cocaine I'm not seeing the betrayal here OP. You say he hides things but maybe it's because he has a wife that allows him no privacy.

Or maybe it's because he has given her plenty cause to not trust him.

feebee12 wrote:

He has time and time again betrayed my trust with other women....he always says it's just flirting but it's very suggestive messages and very disrespectful to me.

He is constantly flirting on WhatsApp with female colleagues. we were together last week for the first time in months and a few days later I see that while he was out he was sending a girl photos - innocent ones of a row of prosecco with the caption saw this and thought of you.

OP, it's obvious you don't trust him. And I wouldn't blame you in the slightest. It would be impossible to trust him. You can try relationship counselling but it is hard to see how someone so deceitful would change enough to earn back that trust. His behaviour is almost making it seem like he has some sort of addiction. To what, I don't know. Maybe it's the attention of younger women? Porn?

And on the porn, just because a lot of people have no problem with it, it doesn't mean that every person has to accept it if they do have a problem with it. These are things couples need to work out by communication.

On the financial issues, they can be sorted out. MABS are supposed to be very good. You might end up with some sort of personal insolvency arrangement or re-negociating some debt but that's not the end of the world by any means.

The main thing here is your child. And you need to look after yourself in order to look after your child. Look after your own well being and mental health. It does sound like the current situation is untenable. It does sound like he has some issues to work on but they are his responsibility.

feebee12

can't log in wrote: »

Other than the cocaine I'm not seeing the betrayal here OP. You say he hides things but maybe it's because he has a wife that allows him no privacy.

Is there a reason you are so dismissive of his mental health issues? they way you describe it here makes it read like you think it's an excuse/fake to get out of trouble with you.

He sent porn and follows some racy instagram accounts...what is the issue if its not illegal material? I know some people are uncomfortable with the idea of porn and think there partners shouldn't need if they have them but it's 99% of the time harmless (I'm female btw) Same with the instagram models - no different to page 3 girls. Also why the angry over him having an instragm account you didn't know about. Do you keep nothing from him?

The drug is an issue he needs to address as well as any genuine mental health issues but other then that I'm not sure what you are protecting your child from?

Your options are as someone said above OP continue dealing with it or separate. Time apart might help clear some things up or might help you see divorce as the best option.

Thank you for your reply. I don't think I don't allow him privacy but he has shown in the past that he is not to be trusted so I suppose I'm on high alert. As someone who suffers from mental health issues myself I truly believe that while it is difficult to go through it should not be used as an excuse to abdicate yourself from the responsibility of your actions.

When I speak of protecting my child I mean ensuring that his stability and well being are not compromised by the clearly damaging affects that this relationship is having on my own mental health. I need to be there for him and need to figure out a resolution with minimal impact on my son.

I think that just because a vast majority of people like porn is not a good enough reason to not be hurt or affected by it.
I am also on Instagram - he knows this yet set up his own account without connecting with me - I find that suspicious and it's not models he is following it's women that he works with.

feebee12

nikkibikki wrote: »

Or maybe it's because he has given her plenty cause to not trust him.



OP, it's obvious you don't trust him. And I wouldn't blame you in the slightest. It would be impossible to trust him. You can try relationship counselling but it is hard to see how someone so deceitful would change enough to earn back that trust. His behaviour is almost making it seem like he has some sort of addiction. To what, I don't know. Maybe it's the attention of younger women? Porn?

And on the porn, just because a lot of people have no problem with it, it doesn't mean that every person has to accept it if they do have a problem with it. These are things couples need to work out by communication.



On the financial issues, they can be sorted out. MABS are supposed to be very good. You might end up with some sort of personal insolvency arrangement or re-negociating some debt but that's not the end of the world by any means.

The main thing here is your child. And you need to look after yourself in order to look after your child. Look after your own well being and mental health. It does sound like the current situation is untenable. It does sound like he has some issues to work on but they are his responsibility.

Thank you for this. It is very reassuring and practical.

professore

feebee12 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. The debts we have accrued are down to doing extensive work on our house which needed to be done and a new car - not so much needed! Two of the loans are in my name and two in his. The mortgage is joint . I also work and have been the main breadwinner wage wise until he got a bump in salary last year. I am also stressed at work, tired, worn out, organise all the domestic duties and childcare so I can't really see how he has a difficult life at home...everything is done and taken care of by me apart from maybe him taking out the bin etc.... I think the main grievance I feel is the acute disrespect he has shown me over and over again. I think seeking legal advice is the way to proceed.

Thanks for the clarification. He sounds like a child that never grew up.

professore

On the porn, personally I think any man who isn't asexual uses porn. Or lies about it to his wife. Its just a masturbation aid. It's not like he's comparing them to his wife or anything like that. Our minds don't work that way. Sending it to his friends is pretty weird. It's a private thing. A bit like sending your friends pictures of your vibrators.

Unless you think masturbation is wrong too? Or looking at a scantily clad woman on TV?

Only exception are couples having sex several times a week.

The other stuff is out of order.

redfox123

professore wrote: »

On the porn, personally I think any man who isn't asexual uses porn. Or lies about it to his wife. Its just a masturbation aid. It's not like he's comparing them to his wife or anything like that. Our minds don't work that way. Sending it to his friends is pretty weird. It's a private thing. A bit like sending your friends pictures of your vibrators.

Unless you think masturbation is wrong too? Or looking at a scantily clad woman on TV?

Only exception are couples having sex several times a week.

The other stuff is out of order.

At this stage I would think a lot of people have gone off porn because there's so much or it and it's just so banal and fake etc. maybe exciting when a teenager but after real sex replaces it mostly? And passing it on to friends, what is he 12 yrs old?

To Op, has your husband cheated on you? Or do you just assume he has but he covers everything up? I think you should approach the subject of counselling. You need to stop checking his phone and have a proper conversation with him, that you do not trust him and explain exactly why. If he says he wants it to work then he has to do his part and either go to counselling or try to actually fix the things where he is over stepping the line and making you insecure and wanting to give up. Tell him he must do either, (within a specific amount of time) or else you have no choice but to move on.

WIZWEB

He sounds like a somatic narcissist. You've evidenced him seeking attention elsewhere and the combined interest in porn. The continuous disrespect is a big red flag for me while you roll over backwards to accommodate his needs. They are often poor at managing finances. The manipulations, lies and 'word salad' further evidences the narcissism. Coke is a favourite drug choice of them as it feeds their unquenchable egos to the extreme. I would suggest seeking counselling or a psychotherapist alone with an awareness of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). You'll need to do a lot of self work and may hit a wall when you ask yourself why you tolerated so much over the 9 years (if he's a Narcissist I'm speculating that you're leaving a lot out here in your post). They rarely ever change. In fact they mostly get worse. The only way to recover and get on with your life is to leave such a toxic relationship whatever the financial consequences or otherwise. Without guilting you your son as he ages doesn't need such toxic behaviours as a role model.