I just can't take anymore to be honest and I have my son to think about. But we are tied together not just in marriage but also in the enormous debt we have accrued with mortgage, car and about four short term loans.
power pants wrote: » Is looking at his phone constantly, really a way of “protecting you”? Also I understand some of your concerns especially the cocaine part but other parts less so It seems apparent nothing is going to change so have 2 options Live in limbo of checking and spying on him and his phone Or Leave
professore wrote: » I'm not going to make excuses for him, what he's doing is totally wrong and inappropriate, and must be putting you under enormous strain. As a husband with kids who through bad life circumstances, ended up in some debt a while back, mainly taken on by my wife, that thankfully is now under control, I find this line telling. Getting in enormous debt is no different, or if anything is worse psychologically for me, than taking cocaine, drinking to excess, chasing women etc. At least you can get on with your life in most cases after that - barring bankruptcy, which I would see as the far lesser of two evils. I was tempted to go off the rails myself to be honest. Even more so if you are the main breadwinner; all the debt and pressure to pay it falls on you, restricts your flexibility with career, as you have to take the highest paid work regardless of what it does to your health and sanity, and also means less time with your kids and family. It leads to a lot of resentment - which could come out in the way it seems to be in your husband. Which one of you pushed for the enormous debt and loans? One thing that drove me insane is how she spoke of "we took on this debt" "we used the credit cards" etc etc. Now to be honest I didn't keep a close enough eye on it but I trusted her not to let our debts get into dangerous territory. Now we make a good income, have cleared most of our debts, paid off our mortgage and have started building savings, but drive a 12 year old car and to look at us you would say we were poorer than the family next door on social welfare - but we are much happier and more secure, and really want for nothing. I'm only posting this as I said not as an excuse, or assigning blame, but as a possible explanation why your husband is acting the way he is. Perhaps it's completely wrong and it's him borrowing like a drunken sailor, or he is just an asshole, but in that case it could also be the root of his issues. If it is then there is hope.
can't log in wrote: Other than the cocaine I'm not seeing the betrayal here OP. You say he hides things but maybe it's because he has a wife that allows him no privacy.
feebee12 wrote: He has time and time again betrayed my trust with other women....he always says it's just flirting but it's very suggestive messages and very disrespectful to me. He is constantly flirting on WhatsApp with female colleagues. we were together last week for the first time in months and a few days later I see that while he was out he was sending a girl photos - innocent ones of a row of prosecco with the caption saw this and thought of you.
can't log in wrote: » Other than the cocaine I'm not seeing the betrayal here OP. You say he hides things but maybe it's because he has a wife that allows him no privacy. Is there a reason you are so dismissive of his mental health issues? they way you describe it here makes it read like you think it's an excuse/fake to get out of trouble with you. He sent porn and follows some racy instagram accounts...what is the issue if its not illegal material? I know some people are uncomfortable with the idea of porn and think there partners shouldn't need if they have them but it's 99% of the time harmless (I'm female btw) Same with the instagram models - no different to page 3 girls. Also why the angry over him having an instragm account you didn't know about. Do you keep nothing from him? The drug is an issue he needs to address as well as any genuine mental health issues but other then that I'm not sure what you are protecting your child from? Your options are as someone said above OP continue dealing with it or separate. Time apart might help clear some things up or might help you see divorce as the best option.
nikkibikki wrote: » Or maybe it's because he has given her plenty cause to not trust him. OP, it's obvious you don't trust him. And I wouldn't blame you in the slightest. It would be impossible to trust him. You can try relationship counselling but it is hard to see how someone so deceitful would change enough to earn back that trust. His behaviour is almost making it seem like he has some sort of addiction. To what, I don't know. Maybe it's the attention of younger women? Porn? And on the porn, just because a lot of people have no problem with it, it doesn't mean that every person has to accept it if they do have a problem with it. These are things couples need to work out by communication. On the financial issues, they can be sorted out. MABS are supposed to be very good. You might end up with some sort of personal insolvency arrangement or re-negociating some debt but that's not the end of the world by any means. The main thing here is your child. And you need to look after yourself in order to look after your child. Look after your own well being and mental health. It does sound like the current situation is untenable. It does sound like he has some issues to work on but they are his responsibility.
feebee12 wrote: » Thank you for your reply. The debts we have accrued are down to doing extensive work on our house which needed to be done and a new car - not so much needed! Two of the loans are in my name and two in his. The mortgage is joint . I also work and have been the main breadwinner wage wise until he got a bump in salary last year. I am also stressed at work, tired, worn out, organise all the domestic duties and childcare so I can't really see how he has a difficult life at home...everything is done and taken care of by me apart from maybe him taking out the bin etc.... I think the main grievance I feel is the acute disrespect he has shown me over and over again. I think seeking legal advice is the way to proceed.
professore wrote: » On the porn, personally I think any man who isn't asexual uses porn. Or lies about it to his wife. Its just a masturbation aid. It's not like he's comparing them to his wife or anything like that. Our minds don't work that way. Sending it to his friends is pretty weird. It's a private thing. A bit like sending your friends pictures of your vibrators. Unless you think masturbation is wrong too? Or looking at a scantily clad woman on TV? Only exception are couples having sex several times a week. The other stuff is out of order.
