Do you have a key to your parents house?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Having a family tiff at the moment. I'm mostly writing this to get it all straight in my head but any advice or comments are very welcome.

So my father has changed the locks to our family home for the second time. He is in his early 60's and lives alone. Myself and my siblings are in our 30's. My sister came over to my house yesterday but dropped into my father's house first on the way over to pick up some letters that were sent there. Without saying a word to us, the locks have been changed. We no longer have access to the home we grew up in. Is this normal?

I'm not sure how to feel about this whole thing to be honest. On the one hand, I'm a grown adult and shouldn't be demanding access to someone elses home. On the other hand, its not just someone elses home, it's my father's home, our family home, it was once my home, I've still got old toys in the attic. My sister has taken it as a symbolic insult to us all. A rejection. My other sister feels the same way. As if he's been pushing us away our entire lives.

The first time it happened, I left the house to do an internship in a different county while I was in college. I got a text the day I moved out which was sent to all of us telling us to respect the boundary of his home. I barely had any idea what this meant or what prompted it. I am the youngest so the last to move out. I was more than likely going to move back at the end of the internship. This completely sind-winded me and I never felt so alone. I suddenly didn't have a home to go to overnight. This was about 5 years ago but we slowly got back to where we are now. I moved back and got a key again. When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused. It was always a bone of contention and I eventually would walk away anytime it came up. Sometimes when he was away he'd ask me to go back to the house to turn on his office computer so emails would be forwarded to his phone. Funnily enough, I couldn't have done this without the key he demanded of me. I helped him because, you know, that's what family does for each other.

I'm just kinda gutted again that he's done this in almost the same way he did before and he knows how much that hurt all of us. We have a family reunion in that house this weekend and my sister is refusing to go. Why the fcuk would do this right before a family reunion?!

Anyway, what do you think? Are we being entitled little ****s? Do we have valid grievance? Does this happen in other families?

Neyite

I'm an adult and I've a key to the family home - but it's with the consent of parent, and I'd never just let myself in. I'd always text that I'm on the way or that I'm coming for the weekend if it it's ok with them.

I'm kind of on your dad's side of the fence here. Though I think he should have spoken to you rather than abruptly changing the locks.

But the way you are all taking it as a symbolic gesture and the way he changed the locks without discussion might suggest a bit of family dysfunction at play. He is entitled to his privacy, and it is his home. You aren't entitled to a key.

If you want to visit, you should ask him, not just let yourself in without warning. If you've still got stuff you want in the house, put it in your own attic. He's not obliged to store it for you.

salmocab

I have a key to the parents home and when I go over I stroll in often unannounced but ultimately it’s their house and their rules, I would find it odd if they changed the locks etc but that would be my issue.
It’s your fathers property and your emotional attachment means nothing. It seems a strange set up in fairness but still his call.

Peatys

The four siblings had a key to our home place, until my folks got a new hall door with high security lock.

None of us have gotten a key yet!

seamus

Can only really second Neyite's post. I have a key for my family home and my wife's.

But both sets of parents have made it clear that any of us are entitled to use them whenever we want. Not that we would; I wouldn't go to either house without a purpose, that is I wouldn't just drop in a make myself a cup of tea and a sandwich because I felt like it. Even though I've been explicitly told I can use it, I still respect the fact that it's their home and they're entitled to privacy.

I expect there is a lot of history and politics here that can't be conveyed in a single post. Your father's communication to "respect the boundary of his home" suggests that he's a private man who values that privacy. And therefore you should respect his wishes in terms of the comings and goings to his home. There may even be a history of siblings coming and going as they like without courtesy of a text or a call.

Because that's what it is - his home. If you don't live there, it's not your home. And you have no entitlement to come and go as you please.

I suggest that between you all, you agree to repair this relationship and not to treat his home as communal property. When you start texting him asking him if he's at home, or asking if you can go in, then you might get your keys back. When you understand how to respect his personal space, then he might be more open to giving out keys again.

I cant see any reason why you would all have a key to your father's house.
It's not your house, it's not your home anymore. Your father is entitled to his privacy.
unless someone needs to be looked after sometime in the future, I think you should all respect your fathers feelings.

You are obviously still wanted, you are going there for a reunion this weekend right?

rock22

quaykey wrote: »

Hi,

..
So my father has changed the locks to our family home for the second time. ..

.. I moved back and got a key again. When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused....

Anyway, what do you think? Are we being entitled little ****s? Do we have valid grievance? Does this happen in other families?

Different people have different arrangements. But you were absolutely wrong to refuse to give the key back to your father when you moved out and no longer needed it.

miezekatze

Would you just let yourself in when visiting your parents and maybe even visit unannounced? If so, I can understand why they wouldn't want you to have a key. I have a key to my parents house (in another country) and also to my in-laws house (15 mins down the road from us). I never visit unannounced though and when I do visit I use the doorbell. The key is only for emergencies. They do the same for visiting us even though they have a key. You need to respect their privacy. If they don't want you to have a key then that's their decision and you need to respect that.

December2012

I can see your dad's point. It's his house. He is entitled to his privacy.

You can still call in, you just can't walk in when it suits.

Big Bag of Chips

He asked you to respect his boundaries, and none of you did. That's why he changed the locks. We can all tell you our own set up, and how it works for us, but it will be largely irrelevant, because your dad is entitled to work this anyway he chooses.

Maybe he wouldn't mind you all having a key if you let him know you were calling over instead of just walking in. As an adult he is as entitled to privacy in his own home, as all of you are in your homes. Would you like your sisters randomly walking in to your house unannounced during the day... You could be doing anything! So could your dad.

bee06

We all have a key to my parents house and they have a key to mine. I would occasionally let myself in unannounced but usually they know I’m coming. Any time I’ve forgotten my key and rang the doorbell they as why I didn’t just come in so I know they don’t have an issue. They would use my key to get into my house but only when we were expecting them.

The key (pun intended) is consent. I know my parents are ok with my key usage. If they expressed otherwise I would change what I was doing. You know your father isn’t ok with it so you should respect his wishes.

TheMilkyPirate

Crazy how some families are so different.. My parents have 5 children including me and we all have keys and we all come and go as we please. Parents do be delighted to see us and the grandkids. Honestly can't fathom not being able to walk up to my family home and just go in? Weird.

Teyla Emmagan

He asked you to respect his boundaries and you didn't. He asked you to give back the key, and instead you ignored him and walked off repeatedly. You have pretty poor manners. You haven't respected your father and now he has changed the locks on his own home, which he is perfectly entitled to do. You are all still welcome though, just not to swing in and out without notice. Your sister needs to cop on to herself. You all seem very entitled.

orthsquel

I have to agree with majority of posts, it's your father's house, and you have to respect the boundaries he has set. Aside from perhaps being a private man, perhaps something happened years ago that you were unaware of that caused the first instance of the locks being changed and that text you all got. If you really want to understand it, you need to see things from his point of view and talking with him about it is probably the best. He doesn't need to explain himself, however if he is not interested in discussing it, then it is best to respect his wishes, without it causing a rift in your relationship.

I assume your sister has her own house (sharing/renting/owning)? Is there a particular reason why she has post going to her father's house and not her own? Were there any issues in the past of bills being unpaid run up by others, stuff going missing, people taking him for granted and arriving unannounced, or people arriving and taking over his house?

I don't think it should be a cause to create a greater rift in the family, or feel unwanted. From your father's point of view he may have done his job rearing you, you've moved on and out, you've left the nest so to speak and now he can have his house to himself again, to entertain friends, have company, do what you probably do in your own house.

nikkibikki

Yes we all do but they gave them to us. It's their second home now as their main house is a few hours by road and boat away. No need for a key to that house as it's never locked!

If they didn't want us to have a key, that'd be their decision and nothing I could do about it. I'd only use the key if there was nobody else there. Otherwise I'd knock or ring the bell. It's their house, paid for by their hard work. So their decision.

Ask your Dad to forward any mail.

I do and would let myself in regularly, stay there in my room etc. Its still my home even though I’m not living there, would be weird to not have a key or be told not to come and go (nor would it happen in my case).

Also it’s not usual for post to be going home. I’m living out of home for close to 10 years but all my post still goes there, still the address I use for proof of address, car registered there etc. my oh is the same all her post, bank a/c etc all still at the home house.

Edward M

I've always had a key to my parents house, out of a family of five I'm the only one of my siblings that does.
Not sure why the others haven't, never asked.
I would never just let myself in with the key, unless my mother asked me to for some reason while she is away, my dad's now deceased.
If I turn up and the door is locked I ring the bell and just go, if she not at home.
It wouldn't be odd I think to not have a key to your parent's house if you don't live there, and quite disrespectful of any house owner, let alone your parents, not to hand back a key you have if asked to do so, just because you grew up there doesent give you a right to just walk in and out as you please.

Duvetdays

If he changed the locks years ago how did your sister end up with a key again? You got one as you moved back in and refused to give it back when asked which is extremely rude imo. Did your father get a copy cut for your siblings or was it done without him knowing?

padd b1975

Why would someone in their thirties who I presume has moved out years ago still have post coming to a different address?

This would also annoy me if I was the father, its lazy and disrespectful.

J Mysterio

Seems strange to me, but not all families are the same and there can be different dynamics at play.

I have a key to the parents house and would certainly go ahead in, but I live away a couple of hours away, so would never be arriving unannounced.

The 'respect my boundaries' comment is quite alarming. There must be something more to it. Is he is a widower? Perhaps your sisters had a part to play in this.

Rubberchikken

I wouldnt ever ask for keys back from my kids. No matter where they live the home they grew up in will always be home and they're free to enter anytime.
But maybe thats just me that thinks like that so i accept that others wont.

What would bother me about your dad's behaviour is the suddeness of it. It seems extreme and ott.
Would it be worth having his gp check things out?

GingerLily

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I wouldnt ever ask for keys back from my kids. No matter where they live the home they grew up in will always be home and they're free to enter anytime.
But maybe thats just me that thinks like that so i accept that others wont.

What would bother me about your dad's behaviour is the suddeness of it. It seems extreme and ott.
Would it be worth having his gp check things out?

Do you not think the OP should properly address why their father feels his boundaries have been crossed?? Maybe he just wants some basic privacy and respect and he's not been given it by his children.

bee06

Rubberchikken wrote: »

What would bother me about your dad's behaviour is the suddeness of it. It seems extreme and ott.
Would it be worth having his gp check things out?

Is it sudden? It’s the second time he changed the locks and he asked for the key back a few times in between. Seems pretty consistent to me over the years in his wishes.

faceman

I have a key to my parents house and will often walk in unannounced. None of us would give it a second though.

They recently got a new front door and were very insistent on making sure we all had ohr keys ASAP so we wouldn’t be wrecking their head knocking on the door!

That being said, each to their own!

zapper55

I have a key to my parents house but I wouldn't dream of arriving without texting first. There's never ever been a problem with me calling over but it's about respect. It's their home not mine. They've a spare key for my house just in case and same rules apply.

wiggle16

Hi OP

I get where you are coming from but he's perfectly entitled to do what he has done, the fact that your sisters are taking this as a deeply personal insult does suggest a lack of respect for his privacy, on their part. His privacy is more important than his kids' sentimentality.

I suspect the reason you feel so blindsided by this is because maybe you are not the issue - it could be just one sibling who has ruined it for the rest of you. If one sibling was treating the house as communal property where he just so happens to live, rather than his own house, it would be far easier to just change the locks than demand the key back from one sibling - you yourself refused to hand yours back - who might act as if she was being singled out. Much easier and more practical to just change the locks than say "your brother and sister can have a key, but you can't. Give it back."

And in doing so, at least he is treating you all equally. I do think he could have handled it better, but he is the one who has a grievance to air. He's reacting to something at least one of you is doing. He's not the issue, one or more of his children are.

Have you tried talking to him about it, genuinely? It shouldn't just be an issue of access. It makes sense for there to be spare keys with family members, in case of an emergency etc, especially if he is getting on. But that's his call to make. To answer your question, no it is not normal to do this, and therefore it indicates he is reacting to someone else's behaviour.

Your sisters are being very petulant about it, they need to grow up. I'm not surprised he doesn't want them having keys that they will just take for granted - are you?

Talk to him and ask him what you can do to reassure him that you want a key for his benefit as well as yours. And if he refuses, be gracious about it. It's his call.

Toots

It's all about different family dynamics. I've got the key to my parents' house and just turn up whenever with the kids in tow. If I rang beforehand to check was it ok they'd probably think there was something wrong with me. My husband also has a key, and so does my sister's partner. Same goes with my husband's family - everyone has keys. That being said, if my parents said they'd prefer if going forward they'd prefer if I phoned ahead, I absolutely would. I'd also return the key if they asked, although I'd probably be a little hurt.

One of my aunt's got the keys back from all her kids when they moved out and they have to give notice if they're calling over - not just a phone call on the way, like checking a couple of days beforehand if it's ok. She can't understand how my parents have us all just come and go as we please, and likewise my parents can't understand her way of doing things. It's just different strokes for different folks.

I can understand how you and your siblings feel a bit hurt about your dad changing the locks, however, he asked ye to respect his boundaries and it seems like ye didn't - your sister is still having post delivered there and dropping in to pick it up, and you refused to hand back the key, so maybe he felt like he had no choice.

DoozerT6

I have a key to my parents house, as do my siblings, who don't even live in Ireland any more They just had them cut and gave them to us when they moved into the house, it seemed as natural as pie to them, and tbh to us too.

I guess as well as making us feel like our parents house will always be our home too (even though they have moved, and their current house is not where we grew up), there's also another aspect to it: if we (well, I) ever NEEDED to enter the house for any reason and my parents weren't there, we can do so without having to bother their wonderful neighbours for their spare key.

Plus, lots of adult children live a fair distance away from their parents these days, myself included, so I would never just 'drop in' unannounced. My parents always know that I'm coming home for the weekend or whatever. When I get there, I just walk in, no knocking or anything. If my parents happen to be at the shops or otherwise not there when I arrive, I have a key to let myself in.

On the flipside, my parents have a key to my place too, for emergencies etc.

miamee

I don't have a key to my parents house but my siblings all do. They upgraded their home security a few years ago and only got keys cut for those who lived in the house (parents and one sibling) but over the years the other siblings have ended up with one for one reason or another. I only go to my parents house to see them so I don't really need a key, I live close enough that it's not a wasted journey if I get there and there is no one home. It doesn't bother me, Dad offered to get me one cut recently and I said I didn't need it. Why would I? I have my own home. I go to my parents house to see them, not to use it as a PO box, storage or a source of food. It's a nice thing and a luxury to have a key to your parents home but it's not your home right now. It sounds liek your dad is sick of people coming and going as they please. Maybe he has plans. Maybe he likes to watch a certain programme in peace. Maybe he'd like to have friends over. Maybe he just wants to sit in his jocks watching football without fear of one of ye arriving in on top of him, who knows?

You mentioned that this feels like a symbolic insult to ye all as though he's been pushing you away your whole lives - I'm assuming from that that the relationshiip has been strained for a while and this is more of a 'straw that broke the camels back' rather than a standalone incident. If the relatioship was great in every other way, I don't think him wanting his home to himself would be such a big deal, would I be right?

witchgirl26

I have a key to my mams house as do all my siblings. I recently found out that I'm the only one who still just uses it with the others all ringing the doorbell when they get there. I asked if my mam would prefer me to do that and she said she didn't mind me using my key as I'd always tell her before I turned up. If I turn up unexpected, I would never just use my key - it would scare the hell out her!

I get that it's your family home but as a grown adult I don't think you automatically have a right to a key for it. If your dad doesn't want you to have free access to the house you have to respect that. At the end of the day it's his home.

meeeeh

I don't have key to my parents house and I think we have a key to in-laws. Both houses are fairly open so we just show up if someone is at home. I would never use the key if no one is around unless I was asked to check something or dropping in food before they are back from holidays. They drop in second key before they go on holidays, just to make sure we can actually get in.

I don't get the upset about it. If the house is locked it's up to people living there to invite you in. It might be where you grew up but everyone is entitled to privacy. The whole situation was not handled great but I don't understand why would you refuse to hand back the keys when asked to. You don't live there anymore why would you feel entitled to hold on to the keys (unless your father has some health issues).

Ursus Horribilis

I think you can see that every family is different when it comes to this issue. I still have a key to my childhood home and my parents have a key to mine. If something like this happened to me I'd be upset so I can understand where you're coming from. But this is your family we're talking about here, not ours.

For whatever reasons, your father has had long-standing issues with you all coming and going from his house. Something tells me there's more to this than this one issue but that's another matter entirely. In hindsight, it was poor form of you not to give him back the key when he asked. He might've changed his tune if he had reason for you to go into the house and it wasn't possible. I think if I was in his shoes I'd have done the very same thing with the second set of keys too. Nobody likes having their wishes ignored and trampled over; that's what happened here.

Something tells me your father might not be the cuddliest, easiest person to get on with in the world. A row like what your sister's starting has the potential to cause a lot of hassle and headaches going into the future. Does she want that? To me, this sounds like an issue which needs to be nipped in the bud. Also, it's time you all took the rest of your stuff out of his house. If nothing else, he could take a vagary some day and throw the lot out.

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skallywag

quaykey wrote: »

...When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused...

While I would find it somewhat odd for my own father to make the same request of me, if he did do so then I would comply with it, albeit with a sense of bewildered frustration.

I think that you were wrong to refuse, if your father wants this privacy then so be it, you need to respect that.

Considering the text message, coupled with the fact that he actually asked for the key back on multiple occasions and you refused, then he cannot really be classed as being in the wrong with changing the locks.

pwurple

I have a key to back door of my parents house, but not their front gates. It's for very specific circumstances... putting out their bins when they are on holidays etc. I don't just rock up and let myself in. And if they wanted their key back, or changed the locks, I wouldn't have any issue with that. They give me a key because they want me to do them a favour (which I happily do). When I call to them usually, I phone ahead, and I use the front door, and doorbell. 

I certainly don't have post going there (wtf is that about?)

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Addle

I've never had a key to my parents house, even when I lived there!
I never looked for one.
They never complained about unlocking a door.
Though, back door is usually open.

LegacyUser

Really appreciate all the comments. Glad to see there are varying replies. I definitely have a better understanding of all this now.

Neyite

Mod:


Hi Scallywag, I deleted your post as it was a question aimed at another poster not the op so didn't want the thread dragged off topic. If you wish to chat to that poster, it would be best to do it via pm rather than on thread.

dori_dormer

I have a key to my mums house, have it on my key ring all the time. Id never really pop over unannounced though, shed always know i was coming. Id let myself in if i knew say, everyone was in the back garden, or we were heading on a night out and she might be painting her nails etc. I also sometimes ring the doorbell if im hanging onto kids etc. probably 50/50. my 2 sisters have keys but they are for emergencies and they dont carry them.

I think only 1 sister has a key to my dads house for emergencies. But his partner would have one too.

Id respect your fathers wishes. Hes clearly trying to set boundaries and no ones listening. Maybe at this family reunion you could arrange to remove your stored boxes and any other belongings. And ask him to pick one of yous to have a key for safety reasons if he lives alone. But promise you wont use unless an emergency

DaeryssaOne

I have a key to one of the doors to my parents' house but live away so they always know when I'm coming home and the key is just to let myself in the side if there's no one home at the time.

I can understand your father's frustration to be honest, my in-laws have a key to our place (something I was never onboard with giving them in the first place) and they have been known to walk straight in without ringing the bell first. One of these times I had just walked out of the shower but thankfully could duck into my room before they saw me. I was very unimpressed and would much rather they had knocked first, even if I knew they were coming I never dreamt they'd just let themselves in. :eek:

L1011

My partner didn't have a key to his parents house when he lived there. Thinks that's fairly normal.

On the other hand, because I live very nearby I'm the first called on for checking for post when they're away etc so I have a full set, including sheds etc; *and* the spare keys to their cars after one was stolen in the past using the spare when they're out.

Everyone is going to have a different idea of what's normal here and when the two diverge like in your case its easier to just go with it than expend energy on it.

iamwhoiam

From a parents perspective might help . My three are all adults now with homes of their own .They all have keys and we have always given them one when locks are changed . They all ring the bell when they call over . They respect our privacy as we respect theirs . We also ring their bell and wouldn't dream of walking into their homes . If we need to go into each others houses for any reason when no one is home we text or phone to let them know .
I wouldn't be comfortable if I was at home in the winter , all curtains closed and my hall door suddenly opened !
I know its to each his own and all families are different but I think a quick press on a bell before my kids walk into my home is not a huge ask to be honest
Equally if I happen to pass their house and decide on a whim to say Hello I would not walk in and appear in their kitchen without a ring on the bell

LegacyUser

To reply to some of the concerns, no we wouldn't let ourselves in unannounced. I'd always text in advance and ring as I'm approaching the door but then I would let myself in. Maybe that's the issue. It is perplexing though. I'd easier understand if one of us were stealing or staying over while he was away.

It was juvenile to not give the key back. I never fully realised that. I even said to him once he'll have to change the locks when he asked for it back :pac: You have to udnerstand he wasn't exactly casually asking me. He was always quick to temper about it and had no problems telling me he didn't give a **** how I felt. It was my own childish revenge because he never explained to me why he changed the keys in the first place other than that blanket text. I was really hurt at the time of how he went about it. He still hasn't fully explained why. I think I've been lumped in with older siblings who have in the past taken advantage of what was once a communal space. My biggest issue is his communication or lack there of so I'm gonna pop down (announced) try get to the bottom of all this. The damage was done 5 years ago and I'm not angry anymore. I hope he isn't either.

Thanks though, you have made me realise that, although it may be upsetting and abnormal to some, I am not entitled to a key to that house. I will be going to the family reunion. My sister most definitely will not.

Katgurl

I have a key to my mother's but not my father's house. I would always check it's ok to visit my mum's. I do let myself in to save her a trip to the front door but press the buzzer to let her know I'm there. I would not dream of arriving at my father's uninvited. He is a very private person.

What I'm trying to say is although lots of people have a key to their parents it's not something you are entitled to.

I'm quite aghast you refused to give him back his key... Yes HIS key to HIS house. Who do you think you are? And as a previous poster said, you should take your things out of his attic.

Your sister is being mean and immatue starting a fight over this.

The family reunion is a good opportunity to clear the air. You should all turn up and be friendly. Tell him you'll take your r stuff away and apologize for leaving it there so long. Then when the tension is melted ask would he mind leaving a key with someone for safety but promise you'll only use it in an emergency.

dellas1979

No I dont have a key to my parents house.

Im sure one of my siblings has one in a "in case they lost it" type thing.

But, I dont know or dont care about keys. Its their house and their privacy.

Your dad obviously values his privacy a lot. And may feel that some marks were over stood at some stage. Rather than talk about it (typical family, believe me), just went and did it.

December2012

Katgurl wrote: »

The family reunion is a good opportunity to clear the air. You should all turn up and be friendly. Tell him you'll take your r stuff away and apologize for leaving it there so long. Then when the tension is melted ask would he mind leaving a key with someone for safety but promise you'll only use it in an emergency.

I disagree. The family reunion is not the time to bring this up. Do it before if you must, not the day of. Preferably after if at all. What do you want to get to the bottom of? Dad says no keys, then that's it no keys.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

I disagree. The family reunion is not the time to bring this up. Do it before if you must, not the day of. Preferably after if at all. What do you want to get to the bottom of? Dad says no keys, then that's it no keys.

He hasn't said a word to me about this. He doesn't live far away. I'd like to hear him out before the big family reunion rather than having my mind elsewhere.

Neyite

It sounds like your siblings rather than you have disregarded his privacy over the years and maybe something small might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

You are right to try to resolve it before the reunion.

I'd say if he's prone to anger or defensiveness then start out maybe with telling him he's got every right to change the locks and you didn't realise that you were imposing on his privacy. That you'd like to apologise for that and if he could point out where you were overstepping so you can make sure you don't do that again. He might open up and give you a better explanation if he feels that you get where he is coming from.

gline

Its not the "family home", its your fathers home, his kids didnt pay for it. He can and should do as he pleases with it, all his kids are grown up and moved on now, they dont need access to the house for any reason as they have their own places to live.

He's right not to be giving out keys, if you want to visit him, contact him and arrange it, you know, as adults do. Cant believe you would refuse to give him back his key, to his house.

LegacyUser

All families are different. I have a key to my parents house and one to my aunts house. My husband has never been given a key to his parents house - even when he lived there!

You are adults with your own houses. Its his house. Stop acting like children and he mightn't have had to get the locks changed. I am happy to have visitors.. but I would hate if someone could just walk into my house unannounced.