Do you have a key to your parents house?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Having a family tiff at the moment. I'm mostly writing this to get it all straight in my head but any advice or comments are very welcome.

So my father has changed the locks to our family home for the second time. He is in his early 60's and lives alone. Myself and my siblings are in our 30's. My sister came over to my house yesterday but dropped into my father's house first on the way over to pick up some letters that were sent there. Without saying a word to us, the locks have been changed. We no longer have access to the home we grew up in. Is this normal?

I'm not sure how to feel about this whole thing to be honest. On the one hand, I'm a grown adult and shouldn't be demanding access to someone elses home. On the other hand, its not just someone elses home, it's my father's home, our family home, it was once my home, I've still got old toys in the attic. My sister has taken it as a symbolic insult to us all. A rejection. My other sister feels the same way. As if he's been pushing us away our entire lives.

The first time it happened, I left the house to do an internship in a different county while I was in college. I got a text the day I moved out which was sent to all of us telling us to respect the boundary of his home. I barely had any idea what this meant or what prompted it. I am the youngest so the last to move out. I was more than likely going to move back at the end of the internship. This completely sind-winded me and I never felt so alone. I suddenly didn't have a home to go to overnight. This was about 5 years ago but we slowly got back to where we are now. I moved back and got a key again. When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused. It was always a bone of contention and I eventually would walk away anytime it came up. Sometimes when he was away he'd ask me to go back to the house to turn on his office computer so emails would be forwarded to his phone. Funnily enough, I couldn't have done this without the key he demanded of me. I helped him because, you know, that's what family does for each other.

I'm just kinda gutted again that he's done this in almost the same way he did before and he knows how much that hurt all of us. We have a family reunion in that house this weekend and my sister is refusing to go. Why the fcuk would do this right before a family reunion?!

Anyway, what do you think? Are we being entitled little ****s? Do we have valid grievance? Does this happen in other families?

Neyite

I'm an adult and I've a key to the family home - but it's with the consent of parent, and I'd never just let myself in. I'd always text that I'm on the way or that I'm coming for the weekend if it it's ok with them.

I'm kind of on your dad's side of the fence here. Though I think he should have spoken to you rather than abruptly changing the locks.

But the way you are all taking it as a symbolic gesture and the way he changed the locks without discussion might suggest a bit of family dysfunction at play. He is entitled to his privacy, and it is his home. You aren't entitled to a key.

If you want to visit, you should ask him, not just let yourself in without warning. If you've still got stuff you want in the house, put it in your own attic. He's not obliged to store it for you.

salmocab

I have a key to the parents home and when I go over I stroll in often unannounced but ultimately it’s their house and their rules, I would find it odd if they changed the locks etc but that would be my issue.
It’s your fathers property and your emotional attachment means nothing. It seems a strange set up in fairness but still his call.

Peatys

The four siblings had a key to our home place, until my folks got a new hall door with high security lock.

None of us have gotten a key yet!

seamus

Can only really second Neyite's post. I have a key for my family home and my wife's.

But both sets of parents have made it clear that any of us are entitled to use them whenever we want. Not that we would; I wouldn't go to either house without a purpose, that is I wouldn't just drop in a make myself a cup of tea and a sandwich because I felt like it. Even though I've been explicitly told I can use it, I still respect the fact that it's their home and they're entitled to privacy.

I expect there is a lot of history and politics here that can't be conveyed in a single post. Your father's communication to "respect the boundary of his home" suggests that he's a private man who values that privacy. And therefore you should respect his wishes in terms of the comings and goings to his home. There may even be a history of siblings coming and going as they like without courtesy of a text or a call.

Because that's what it is - his home. If you don't live there, it's not your home. And you have no entitlement to come and go as you please.

I suggest that between you all, you agree to repair this relationship and not to treat his home as communal property. When you start texting him asking him if he's at home, or asking if you can go in, then you might get your keys back. When you understand how to respect his personal space, then he might be more open to giving out keys again.

I cant see any reason why you would all have a key to your father's house.
It's not your house, it's not your home anymore. Your father is entitled to his privacy.
unless someone needs to be looked after sometime in the future, I think you should all respect your fathers feelings.

You are obviously still wanted, you are going there for a reunion this weekend right?

rock22

quaykey wrote: »

Hi,

..
So my father has changed the locks to our family home for the second time. ..

.. I moved back and got a key again. When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused....

Anyway, what do you think? Are we being entitled little ****s? Do we have valid grievance? Does this happen in other families?

Different people have different arrangements. But you were absolutely wrong to refuse to give the key back to your father when you moved out and no longer needed it.

miezekatze

Would you just let yourself in when visiting your parents and maybe even visit unannounced? If so, I can understand why they wouldn't want you to have a key. I have a key to my parents house (in another country) and also to my in-laws house (15 mins down the road from us). I never visit unannounced though and when I do visit I use the doorbell. The key is only for emergencies. They do the same for visiting us even though they have a key. You need to respect their privacy. If they don't want you to have a key then that's their decision and you need to respect that.

December2012

I can see your dad's point. It's his house. He is entitled to his privacy.

You can still call in, you just can't walk in when it suits.

Big Bag of Chips

He asked you to respect his boundaries, and none of you did. That's why he changed the locks. We can all tell you our own set up, and how it works for us, but it will be largely irrelevant, because your dad is entitled to work this anyway he chooses.

Maybe he wouldn't mind you all having a key if you let him know you were calling over instead of just walking in. As an adult he is as entitled to privacy in his own home, as all of you are in your homes. Would you like your sisters randomly walking in to your house unannounced during the day... You could be doing anything! So could your dad.

bee06

We all have a key to my parents house and they have a key to mine. I would occasionally let myself in unannounced but usually they know I’m coming. Any time I’ve forgotten my key and rang the doorbell they as why I didn’t just come in so I know they don’t have an issue. They would use my key to get into my house but only when we were expecting them.

The key (pun intended) is consent. I know my parents are ok with my key usage. If they expressed otherwise I would change what I was doing. You know your father isn’t ok with it so you should respect his wishes.

TheMilkyPirate

Crazy how some families are so different.. My parents have 5 children including me and we all have keys and we all come and go as we please. Parents do be delighted to see us and the grandkids. Honestly can't fathom not being able to walk up to my family home and just go in? Weird.

Teyla Emmagan

He asked you to respect his boundaries and you didn't. He asked you to give back the key, and instead you ignored him and walked off repeatedly. You have pretty poor manners. You haven't respected your father and now he has changed the locks on his own home, which he is perfectly entitled to do. You are all still welcome though, just not to swing in and out without notice. Your sister needs to cop on to herself. You all seem very entitled.

orthsquel

I have to agree with majority of posts, it's your father's house, and you have to respect the boundaries he has set. Aside from perhaps being a private man, perhaps something happened years ago that you were unaware of that caused the first instance of the locks being changed and that text you all got. If you really want to understand it, you need to see things from his point of view and talking with him about it is probably the best. He doesn't need to explain himself, however if he is not interested in discussing it, then it is best to respect his wishes, without it causing a rift in your relationship.

I assume your sister has her own house (sharing/renting/owning)? Is there a particular reason why she has post going to her father's house and not her own? Were there any issues in the past of bills being unpaid run up by others, stuff going missing, people taking him for granted and arriving unannounced, or people arriving and taking over his house?

I don't think it should be a cause to create a greater rift in the family, or feel unwanted. From your father's point of view he may have done his job rearing you, you've moved on and out, you've left the nest so to speak and now he can have his house to himself again, to entertain friends, have company, do what you probably do in your own house.

nikkibikki

Yes we all do but they gave them to us. It's their second home now as their main house is a few hours by road and boat away. No need for a key to that house as it's never locked!

If they didn't want us to have a key, that'd be their decision and nothing I could do about it. I'd only use the key if there was nobody else there. Otherwise I'd knock or ring the bell. It's their house, paid for by their hard work. So their decision.

Ask your Dad to forward any mail.

I do and would let myself in regularly, stay there in my room etc. Its still my home even though I’m not living there, would be weird to not have a key or be told not to come and go (nor would it happen in my case).

Also it’s not usual for post to be going home. I’m living out of home for close to 10 years but all my post still goes there, still the address I use for proof of address, car registered there etc. my oh is the same all her post, bank a/c etc all still at the home house.

Edward M

I've always had a key to my parents house, out of a family of five I'm the only one of my siblings that does.
Not sure why the others haven't, never asked.
I would never just let myself in with the key, unless my mother asked me to for some reason while she is away, my dad's now deceased.
If I turn up and the door is locked I ring the bell and just go, if she not at home.
It wouldn't be odd I think to not have a key to your parent's house if you don't live there, and quite disrespectful of any house owner, let alone your parents, not to hand back a key you have if asked to do so, just because you grew up there doesent give you a right to just walk in and out as you please.

Duvetdays

If he changed the locks years ago how did your sister end up with a key again? You got one as you moved back in and refused to give it back when asked which is extremely rude imo. Did your father get a copy cut for your siblings or was it done without him knowing?

padd b1975

Why would someone in their thirties who I presume has moved out years ago still have post coming to a different address?

This would also annoy me if I was the father, its lazy and disrespectful.

J Mysterio

Seems strange to me, but not all families are the same and there can be different dynamics at play.

I have a key to the parents house and would certainly go ahead in, but I live away a couple of hours away, so would never be arriving unannounced.

The 'respect my boundaries' comment is quite alarming. There must be something more to it. Is he is a widower? Perhaps your sisters had a part to play in this.

Rubberchikken

I wouldnt ever ask for keys back from my kids. No matter where they live the home they grew up in will always be home and they're free to enter anytime.
But maybe thats just me that thinks like that so i accept that others wont.

What would bother me about your dad's behaviour is the suddeness of it. It seems extreme and ott.
Would it be worth having his gp check things out?

GingerLily

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I wouldnt ever ask for keys back from my kids. No matter where they live the home they grew up in will always be home and they're free to enter anytime.
But maybe thats just me that thinks like that so i accept that others wont.

What would bother me about your dad's behaviour is the suddeness of it. It seems extreme and ott.
Would it be worth having his gp check things out?

Do you not think the OP should properly address why their father feels his boundaries have been crossed?? Maybe he just wants some basic privacy and respect and he's not been given it by his children.

bee06

Rubberchikken wrote: »

What would bother me about your dad's behaviour is the suddeness of it. It seems extreme and ott.
Would it be worth having his gp check things out?

Is it sudden? It’s the second time he changed the locks and he asked for the key back a few times in between. Seems pretty consistent to me over the years in his wishes.

faceman

I have a key to my parents house and will often walk in unannounced. None of us would give it a second though.

They recently got a new front door and were very insistent on making sure we all had ohr keys ASAP so we wouldn’t be wrecking their head knocking on the door!

That being said, each to their own!

zapper55

I have a key to my parents house but I wouldn't dream of arriving without texting first. There's never ever been a problem with me calling over but it's about respect. It's their home not mine. They've a spare key for my house just in case and same rules apply.

wiggle16

Hi OP

I get where you are coming from but he's perfectly entitled to do what he has done, the fact that your sisters are taking this as a deeply personal insult does suggest a lack of respect for his privacy, on their part. His privacy is more important than his kids' sentimentality.

I suspect the reason you feel so blindsided by this is because maybe you are not the issue - it could be just one sibling who has ruined it for the rest of you. If one sibling was treating the house as communal property where he just so happens to live, rather than his own house, it would be far easier to just change the locks than demand the key back from one sibling - you yourself refused to hand yours back - who might act as if she was being singled out. Much easier and more practical to just change the locks than say "your brother and sister can have a key, but you can't. Give it back."

And in doing so, at least he is treating you all equally. I do think he could have handled it better, but he is the one who has a grievance to air. He's reacting to something at least one of you is doing. He's not the issue, one or more of his children are.

Have you tried talking to him about it, genuinely? It shouldn't just be an issue of access. It makes sense for there to be spare keys with family members, in case of an emergency etc, especially if he is getting on. But that's his call to make. To answer your question, no it is not normal to do this, and therefore it indicates he is reacting to someone else's behaviour.

Your sisters are being very petulant about it, they need to grow up. I'm not surprised he doesn't want them having keys that they will just take for granted - are you?

Talk to him and ask him what you can do to reassure him that you want a key for his benefit as well as yours. And if he refuses, be gracious about it. It's his call.

Toots

It's all about different family dynamics. I've got the key to my parents' house and just turn up whenever with the kids in tow. If I rang beforehand to check was it ok they'd probably think there was something wrong with me. My husband also has a key, and so does my sister's partner. Same goes with my husband's family - everyone has keys. That being said, if my parents said they'd prefer if going forward they'd prefer if I phoned ahead, I absolutely would. I'd also return the key if they asked, although I'd probably be a little hurt.

One of my aunt's got the keys back from all her kids when they moved out and they have to give notice if they're calling over - not just a phone call on the way, like checking a couple of days beforehand if it's ok. She can't understand how my parents have us all just come and go as we please, and likewise my parents can't understand her way of doing things. It's just different strokes for different folks.

I can understand how you and your siblings feel a bit hurt about your dad changing the locks, however, he asked ye to respect his boundaries and it seems like ye didn't - your sister is still having post delivered there and dropping in to pick it up, and you refused to hand back the key, so maybe he felt like he had no choice.

DoozerT6

I have a key to my parents house, as do my siblings, who don't even live in Ireland any more They just had them cut and gave them to us when they moved into the house, it seemed as natural as pie to them, and tbh to us too.

I guess as well as making us feel like our parents house will always be our home too (even though they have moved, and their current house is not where we grew up), there's also another aspect to it: if we (well, I) ever NEEDED to enter the house for any reason and my parents weren't there, we can do so without having to bother their wonderful neighbours for their spare key.

Plus, lots of adult children live a fair distance away from their parents these days, myself included, so I would never just 'drop in' unannounced. My parents always know that I'm coming home for the weekend or whatever. When I get there, I just walk in, no knocking or anything. If my parents happen to be at the shops or otherwise not there when I arrive, I have a key to let myself in.

On the flipside, my parents have a key to my place too, for emergencies etc.

miamee

I don't have a key to my parents house but my siblings all do. They upgraded their home security a few years ago and only got keys cut for those who lived in the house (parents and one sibling) but over the years the other siblings have ended up with one for one reason or another. I only go to my parents house to see them so I don't really need a key, I live close enough that it's not a wasted journey if I get there and there is no one home. It doesn't bother me, Dad offered to get me one cut recently and I said I didn't need it. Why would I? I have my own home. I go to my parents house to see them, not to use it as a PO box, storage or a source of food. It's a nice thing and a luxury to have a key to your parents home but it's not your home right now. It sounds liek your dad is sick of people coming and going as they please. Maybe he has plans. Maybe he likes to watch a certain programme in peace. Maybe he'd like to have friends over. Maybe he just wants to sit in his jocks watching football without fear of one of ye arriving in on top of him, who knows?

You mentioned that this feels like a symbolic insult to ye all as though he's been pushing you away your whole lives - I'm assuming from that that the relationshiip has been strained for a while and this is more of a 'straw that broke the camels back' rather than a standalone incident. If the relatioship was great in every other way, I don't think him wanting his home to himself would be such a big deal, would I be right?

witchgirl26

I have a key to my mams house as do all my siblings. I recently found out that I'm the only one who still just uses it with the others all ringing the doorbell when they get there. I asked if my mam would prefer me to do that and she said she didn't mind me using my key as I'd always tell her before I turned up. If I turn up unexpected, I would never just use my key - it would scare the hell out her!

I get that it's your family home but as a grown adult I don't think you automatically have a right to a key for it. If your dad doesn't want you to have free access to the house you have to respect that. At the end of the day it's his home.

meeeeh

I don't have key to my parents house and I think we have a key to in-laws. Both houses are fairly open so we just show up if someone is at home. I would never use the key if no one is around unless I was asked to check something or dropping in food before they are back from holidays. They drop in second key before they go on holidays, just to make sure we can actually get in.

I don't get the upset about it. If the house is locked it's up to people living there to invite you in. It might be where you grew up but everyone is entitled to privacy. The whole situation was not handled great but I don't understand why would you refuse to hand back the keys when asked to. You don't live there anymore why would you feel entitled to hold on to the keys (unless your father has some health issues).