Out of my depth (again)

LegacyUser

I am really struggling in my job at the moment. I work as a database developer, writing SQL queries etc. I have been there ten months so I am not new. I have been badly rattled the last few days from working on a SQL application. I was supposed to have it finished two weeks ago but I ran into problems and got bogged down. As soon as I fix one issue another one crops up or else the fix that fixed one problem broke another one that was working OK beforehand (if you get my drift). I am getting really stressed by it and the people working near me have noticed too (I'd say they think I am f####ng nuts to be honest).
I have hardly said a word to anyone in there since I started working on this application. The guy next to me even said to me he was afraid to talk to me. I haven't been rude to anyone but I am really wired and wound up. I only talk to someone when absolutely necessary. I work on my own but in an open office space.
I have been coming in an hour early for the last two weeks to work on it and I work through lunch too. I worked late this evening, I think it is working almost OK now but when it's tested it could fall over again.
It's an application that two of the managing directors have asked for. They asked for it via another person so I am not directly answering to them but this person is being asked about it all the time and I am being cc'ed on the emails.
I must preface this by saying I was never supposed to do the job I am doing in the first place because when I went for the interview the job was advertised as being a support job to another guy (he'd been there for years and built all the existing apps). A few weeks after I started he quit and I am doing his job now. He came back a few times to do bits and pieces that I couldn't do but he's gone for good now.
I'm a bad developer anyway, I was never any good at it. I am 45 and have been working in IT for ten years and I haven't got any better. I never wanted to be this big important developer working on all this complex stuff; I had a job as an IT teacher a couple of years ago and I loved it but it was only a contract job. I can't leave this job without something else to go to. I left the job I was in after this one after four months because it was too hard for me too (same story, working by myself,arriving early and working late, trying to get code working).
When I saw this job come up and it was a support role I knew it would have less responsibility so I went for it. Now I am in the same position as before because of the guy leaving. My boss is a nice guy and is letting me "get away with it" but I don't want to get away with it, I want to be good.
I'm sick of being stupid, I can't stand it. The people I work with know I am stupid too which is the worst part. I just want out of there, I'm very upset right now.

I do not have any great advice for you, but as a recent IT graduate who has an interest in SQL, my biggest worry is ending up in a situation like you are in, being out of my depth and stressed in my work. I am not a delevoper and have never made out to be on my CV or from my degree but in recent interviews I have noticed interviewers always expecting more and more from me than I believe I would be able for and being able to do the jobs of a number of people. I feel in IT you need to be able to learn fast and be motivated to be the best of the best or you will get left behind. I hope things get better for you.

MattressRick

ollie_87 wrote: »

I am really struggling in my job at the moment. I work as a database developer, writing SQL queries etc. I have been there ten months so I am not new. I have been badly rattled the last few days from working on a SQL application. I was supposed to have it finished two weeks ago but I ran into problems and got bogged down. As soon as I fix one issue another one crops up or else the fix that fixed one problem broke another one that was working OK beforehand (if you get my drift). I am getting really stressed by it and the people working near me have noticed too (I'd say they think I am f####ng nuts to be honest).
I have hardly said a word to anyone in there since I started working on this application. The guy next to me even said to me he was afraid to talk to me. I haven't been rude to anyone but I am really wired and wound up. I only talk to someone when absolutely necessary. I work on my own but in an open office space.
I have been coming in an hour early for the last two weeks to work on it and I work through lunch too. I worked late this evening, I think it is working almost OK now but when it's tested it could fall over again.
It's an application that two of the managing directors have asked for. They asked for it via another person so I am not directly answering to them but this person is being asked about it all the time and I am being cc'ed on the emails.
I must preface this by saying I was never supposed to do the job I am doing in the first place because when I went for the interview the job was advertised as being a support job to another guy (he'd been there for years and built all the existing apps). A few weeks after I started he quit and I am doing his job now. He came back a few times to do bits and pieces that I couldn't do but he's gone for good now.
I'm a bad developer anyway, I was never any good at it. I am 45 and have been working in IT for ten years and I haven't got any better. I never wanted to be this big important developer working on all this complex stuff; I had a job as an IT teacher a couple of years ago and I loved it but it was only a contract job. I can't leave this job without something else to go to. I left the job I was in after this one after four months because it was too hard for me too (same story, working by myself,arriving early and working late, trying to get code working).
When I saw this job come up and it was a support role I knew it would have less responsibility so I went for it. Now I am in the same position as before because of the guy leaving. My boss is a nice guy and is letting me "get away with it" but I don't want to get away with it, I want to be good.
I'm sick of being stupid, I can't stand it. The people I work with know I am stupid too which is the worst part. I just want out of there, I'm very upset right now.

You're not stupid so don't be thinking that. I've had technical design work that I started badly and then when deadlines came I realised I should've done the work a different way but just ended up adding one mistake onto another. Stress messes up your ability to think logically. You just rush the stuff to get it to work for you.
Learn from it. Finish this out and look for another role. You got lumped with work you never signed up for and yet you think you're stupid? Don't be daft.

Fr Tod Umptious

Hi OP

Was kind of of a situation like you are in, came into a job with a person who was there for years, they left and suddenly everything was on my shoulders and I was sinking.
They came back a few times to help out but that was it.
In the end tje company and I came to an "agreement" and I left with a "package".

My advice would be to go to your boss and say you need help.

This was not the position you joined for and if they want you to do this job they have to support you in it.

Be clear about what you need help with so that when it does come you will be able to point them in the right direction.

TomOnBoard

Also, this kind of stress is very bad for your mental health. Go talk to your boss asap. You've been put in a position you were never hired for and which doesn't suit you right now. What/how much training did you get?

jimmycrackcorm

OP. I'm working multiple decades in IT and the single most important thing I've learned is that no man is an island.

When I first started programing, one pertain could write a whole game or application, but now many people are needed with different development skills. But not just that, because knowledge is diverse, there is nobody, including myself with decades of experience who can simply solve problems.

Your problem is not yours, its the fact that your manager is incompetent or inexperienced to recognize that assigning a task to a single person is a point of failure. You need to ask for help, and if your manager can only think you are the issue then he or she doesn't know how to manage, in which case you should move and find a team that works as an actual team.

beauf

ollie_87 wrote: »

....As soon as I fix one issue another one crops up or else the fix that fixed one problem broke another one that was working OK beforehand (if you get my drift).....

This is a clear sign that you are trying to do too much. Probably its designed badly also.

I would take a day off, clear your head. Then push back your deadlines, then come back and take your time. You can't rush SQL development. I find I often go too far down a tunnel. Then have to start over, after a break from it.`

You should have technical mentor also. To get peer reviews.

Snowseer

Yep OP. Been there, worn that t-shirt.

It took me a loooong time of working over hours, to fix other people's mistakes, in areas that I wasn't particularly experienced in, to realise that the problem was not mine alone.

The unfortunate thing is, if you're willing to work yourself to the bone to get something done, your bosses may well let you.

Ask for support. The sooner the better. You shouldn't feel so overwhelmed that you're questioning your intelligence!!

_Brian

Step up and call for help.
The longer you try to bury this problem the bigger it becomes.

Go to the person who asked you to do this.
Start with the positives and progress you’ve made so far. Then explain there are a few issues holding completion back and you’d like some help.


I always say to employees to ask for help as soon as they’ve hit a roadblock they can’t resolve. Asking for help when it’s needed is ok, burying a problem is not.

ollie_87

ollie_87 wrote: »

My boss is a nice guy and is letting me "get away with it" but I don't want to get away with it, I want to be good.

Your boss isn't letting you get away with it - he is taking advantage and knows it. Having one assistant doing the work of the assistant and the senior. I doubt he is paying you two wages.

JustAThought

Dreadful pressure to be under - and its all dependencies so that is even worse. It sounds like someone is strong arming you 'the 2 directors called for it" -well - they are directors -they call for everything! deadlines are just that -a line that CAN be moved - the project cannot be completed until the underlying programming is resolved so as unpredicted dependencies occur this pushes back the deadline - its unforseen (and unfortunate ) but often can occur in a cimolex project and has to be worked through.

You say there is a team or colleagues there - can you ask them or their managers to release some time from their workloads to look at the problem - if 'the 2 directors' want it then it is a solid company goal & many different sets of eyes and experiences may find a solution or have a perspective that you dont.

Above all remember that acting and a calm head reassures people and keeps everything going so try and not drink any coffee or energy drinks as you are already upset and wound up already. This includes when you go home at night.

Is there an online forum for developers that might help with the specifics? Google may have seen your problem before & be able to offer a solution or new approach?

After you have finished this project take a few days off to dechill & rest & re-appraise. But dont leave with a disaster behind you -you need that reference. I have also been put under this kind of horrfic pressure and sometimes it is pure innocence on the part of the people making decisions who have absolutely no idea of the pressure they nonchantly put people under. Often a word can resolve the time issues which can be the biggest factor in causing all the stress. Make it clear more unforseen peogramming dependencies may also arise -as you did not write the code you cannot tell. Maybe they outsourced the original? Best of luck

burrows

Everyone else around you has their own stuff to be working on, but they all will have been in the same situation and if you talk to them they may be able to help. They won't think you're stupid.


Take a look at Rubber Duck Debugging (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging), basically the act of explaining a problem out loud to another person (or duck), whether they know the area or not, can often help you solve issues. It really can work, where I work we do this daily.


I've sat at someones desk, had them explain an issue they're been looking at for days, they then have a brain wave and work out the answer - all without me having to say a word (which is often good because I have not really followed what they told me).

beauf

ollie_87 wrote: »

.... but this person is being asked about it all the time and I am being cc'ed on the emails...

You should ask then to stop doing this. It's childish and is actually making the problem worse.

In IT it's very common for people to set unrealistic deadlines for IT projects and work in general. Especially those people with no IT experience managing IT projects. You have to learn to push back. You won't always get the dead line charged to a realistic one. But at least you'll have made your point.

beauf

I'd say if the OP had the support of a mentor with it experience they would have highlighted the unrealistic deadlines. The op would have had someone to discuss it with and bounce ideas off.

Often when I'm stuck I get a more experienced colleague to have a look as often a fresh pair of eyes will see something obvious that tired eyes won't.

IT is much harder if you don't have that.


Scrum was invented to help with getting things done in a manageable way. It's over hyped but it shows that it's a very very common problem in IT.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. A lot of you have said it's not my fault and stop blaming myself etc. That's very kind of you but in fairness you have to call a spade a spade. I should be able to do this application; I have enough experience at this stage. I have been working in SQL for a good few years now. There's no excuse for it. It's a terrible thing to know you are incompetent.
I know for a fact that the guy who was there before me would have it fixed in no time. The gap between his ability and mine is a yawning chasm the size of the Grand Canyon.
When I am in a job and I can't do it I just want out,it's as simple as that. I can't stand the feeling of being incompetent. For me it's the worst thing ever, I can't stand the humiliation and embarrassment.
There are no other developers there to help me (it's not an IT company it's a manufacturing company;I work in the IT department). There is a guy in the UK that can help me but the problem isn't really that I don't understand things; I just don't have the level of ability required to fix it.
It's an absolute nightmare and I'm really depressed about it. When I come home I can only forget about it for about two minutes before it comes back into my head again. I'm dreading going in tomorrow. I made some progress today but I noticed another problem just before I left. I came in an hour early today again and worked a bit late and through lunch also.
I haven't done well in the job since the start; I've got other stuff done before this but it's taken me ages most times. I don't hate the job,I just hate not being able to do it.
There are a load of other things waiting to be done after this so the workload is increasing the longer I am stuck on it.
Someone mentioned my mental health; I can tell you it's not in a good state at all. I sleep OK but wake early. I don't watch TV or read the newspaper. I don't talk to anyone at work since I ran into this problem. I stroke my forehead a lot and take long deep breaths. I have looked for other jobs online but I can't go too far away for personal reasons.
My manager hasn't been harassing me about it but it doesn't look good really.
It's chickens coming home to roost though, I knew something like this would happen sooner or later after I was left on my own.

OMM 0000

Manager here, working in the IT industry the past 20 years.

It sounds like you're not doing proper technical design, and would benefit from a waterfall process rather than an agile process.

You can solve this going forward as follows:

1. Make sure you have proper functional specifications from the product managers. That means they have explained, clearly, what they want, and have thought through the requirements.

2. You then work on a technical specification. This is where you think through the entire feature, map it out, and then write pseudocode or UML (or whatever works for you) for the tricky parts. You make sure you understand how everything fits together before writing any code. You get one or two colleagues to review your design. The huge advantage of this is you fully know what you're doing when you get going, and you're sooo less likely to end up having to hack ****.

Also, ask for help. This can be informal or formal.

colm_c

As others have said, it's important to take a step back, and ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness, in fact it's the opposite.

Typically for functionality, you want to map out all the various scenarios that your application/feature implements.

This gives you a point to think about how you design and assemble it. It also allows you to write tests against these examples.

I know it seems daunting to do this now, and just easier to keep going, but what will happen is that you will burn out and nothing will be finished. You may even end up supporting it.

IvoryTower

I would seriously consider getting help from a site like up work where you can throw someone a few dollars to help you with any problems, heck theyll even do the whole thing if you want. It doesn't solve your overall issue but at least it will get this application out of the way.

Tiddlypeeps

IvoryTower wrote: »

I would seriously consider getting help from a site like up work where you can throw someone a few dollars to help you with any problems, heck theyll even do the whole thing if you want. It doesn't solve your overall issue but at least it will get this application out of the way.

Don't do this. In order to do this you would need to share company IP with an outside party and you'd be in a hell of a lot more trouble if you got caught then if you just take a little longer to complete it yourself.

Fr Tod Umptious

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Don't do this. In order to do this you would need to share company IP with an outside party and you'd be in a hell of a lot more trouble if you got caught then if you just take a little longer to complete it yourself.

Totally agree

The OP needs to get the help they need internally with their managers support.

OP, have you approached your manager yet explaining the situation ?

Einstrahlung50

Is this a fund adminstrator in the IFSC ?

LegacyUser

No I am not a fund adminstrator in the IFSC. It's a manufacturing company with a small IT team. I won't use Upwork, I can't allow a complete stranger to log in to my machine, I'd get fired and even if I could get away with it I wouldn't take the risk.
I use freelancer a few times and wasn't very thankful. A lot of chancers on there.
I finished the app and it has gone live, I hope it will not break down, if I had to go at it again I think I'd go crazy.

beauf

Might a good time to plan out a replacement app thats better designed and easier to maintain.

limnam

beauf wrote: »

Might a good time to plan out a replacement app thats better designed and easier to maintain.

Time for a few pints and a holiday i'd say

LegacyUser

limnam wrote: »

Time for a few pints and a holiday i'd say

I f#####g can't; I am way behind in the work I've to do. There are loads of other projects waiting to be done, it's frightening just to think about it. I am stuck on a problem again;I was in work for an extra hour today and left without solving the problem. I will have to go in tomorrow for a bit and try to fix it. I am taking a week off on the 16th July but I will never get everything that's needed to be done before then.
I am stroking my forehead and sighing again. I was happy to get the last project done and I think it is OK but hey presto here I am in the same position again a few days later.
it's always the same;stuck,stuck,stuck.
Some people on here are blaming my boss but it's not his fault I'm not able to do my job is it?
I am looking for something else but I don't fancy my chances. It's just a nightmare. Sorry for boring you.

beauf

You're obviously under resourced if you are fire fighting like that.

You need to sit down and plan your way out of it.

Need to do, nice to do. Schedule the non essential stuff to next year. At one point I had a 2yr waiting list of email's and jobs.

Have you sat down and made a plan...?

beauf

Also sometimes you're asked to do the impossible. Might be time change direction if that's the case.

Some times people are impossible to work for. They make unreasonable demands and have very unproductive work practises. You need to avoid these kind of people. Even make a lateral move in work or job to get away from them.

But you have to plan analyze your own direction. You can't just muddle through. You'll make no progress doing that.

Berserker

Some really good comments by beauf. As matter of interest, were the timelines for your next project not adjusted to account for the late delivery of your last project? Would you mind detailing the parts you play in your SLDC? No need to go into too much detail, keep it very high level. From reading your posts, I am getting the impression that you are not getting the support you require. I agreement with beauf, you can't really continue in this manner. It's going to make you miserable and you are not going to progress professionally.

TomOnBoard

TomOnBoard wrote: »

Also, this kind of stress is very bad for your mental health. Go talk to your boss asap. You've been put in a position you were never hired for and which doesn't suit you right now. What/how much training did you get?

The same main question still applies... Have you spoken with your boss???

TallGlass

Dude. Chill out, seriously. Bigger picture here. Its a job and it's lines of code. No one will die.

Ask when are they replacing the senior person that left and tell them it's too much for you. Ask them what the priority work loads are and you'll work around that.

alan partridge aha

Hey guys ok last posted 2 weeks ago, he could have changed jobs.

beauf

I thought it was an interesting discussion. Regardless.

JustAThought

alan partridge aha wrote: »

Hey guys ok last posted 2 weeks ago, he could have changed jobs.

Probably too busy and frantic to even look. By all accounts he is working on his stack of projects while trying to break the back of it before the 16th - or on his final day today. Tbh the job sounds like a total headwreck - he may be a perfectionist or not able to figure out the role he is not recruited nor trained for buy that kind of unending stress and pressure is extremely bad - he needs to send an emaul or two to his bosses to say that they need to talk & schedule some core specialists to outsorce the coding to that can manage the problem without his having to troubleshoot (ie write the code) & sort out the resourcing issues - he is one man in an iT department and a manager - in the same way as the chef is not supposed to orfer and cook the food as well as to have to set the tables,take the bookings, greet the guests open the shutters, take out the bins and pay the staff in a reataurant. There are reasonable expectations and paramaters for a role - they cannot just expect him to do and manage anf be everything.

beauf

Happened to me a few times in my IT Career.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I haven't changed jobs but I have been busy since I posted last. I am on holidays for the next week so yes I have been trying to get a few things done before I left.
I haven't spoken to my boss about it because that gives the impression of me being incompetent (I know you will disagree with that). I don't mind being stupid, but I do mind other people thinking I'm stupid. I know there's a few people in there who I have done stuff for that that don't think I am up to the job. The guy who was there before me was a genius so they were used to him doing whatever they asked and within the requested timeframe.
Having me instead is a bit of a shock to the system for them I'd say.
I finished that app I was working on but it took me about four times the time I was supposed to get it done in. Nobody said anything to me but it doesn't look good.
I have just completed another app that is now in test and it will be tested while I am off. There will probably be issues with that that I will have to fix when I get back. I am going to check my mail while I am off; I don't like the shock of seeing emails about loads of problems when I come back Monday week. I was stuck on one issue on a SQL report there for a while; I had to ask the guy in the UK to and he spotted the issue. I should have seen it myself though.
Sometimes I am really envious of others working in there; I see the girls in accounts heading out at lunch on the dot of one o clock laughing and joking while I am stuck there having my lunch at my desk as per usual. They are probably getting paid more than me too because they have been working there longer than me.
Someone asked about SLDC,timelines etc.; there's none of that in my place; I just get a spec and code it up. Maybe not the best way of doing things but it is not a software company so that is often the way in a workplace that has a small IT department.

mach1982

First of all OP you are NOT STUPID or incompetent, and stop comparing yourself to the guy that left, your NOT him,you are you . Do not check your mail when on holiday, you'll just stress you self out turn off you phone and e-mail, user the holiday to relax, forget about work, if there problem they'll sort it out.Talk to you boss explain to him how you feel, ask for help, tell him what you told us, if he is good boss he will understand.

All software has bugs, I remember been 80% of software development is debugging and only 20% is coding . What you need is confidence in your self. Also you chooses to stay at you desk and eat lunch, who cares how much the accounting girls make, bet you couldn't tell difference between Oracle and MySQL. Take your break talk to you colleagues, they might able to help when you get bogged down, also when it happens best get up go for a walk veg out on YouTube, and bet you the answer will come to you.

I'm talking from experience, I know what it is like to doubt yourself , always comparing myself to someone "better" than me , what I learnt is there will always someone who know more than you, no one knows everything especially in IT, bet you the previous guys code was mostly cut an paste from stack-overflow, and I bet his code had bugs.

b34mer23

OP it's like reading a post from myself here! Definitely been in the same boat, it's horrible!

We all make things worse in our head by keeping things in there. Panic festers and can make mountains out of molehills. With that, I know it's cliche, but problem shared is a problem halved and it generally does apply. Any half decent manager will help you, and you'll actually come out looking good for looking for a hand, shows good maturity.

I know this reads like a "just do something" about it type suggestion, but sometimes that's all takes. Bite the bullet, rip the plaster out, get out of your head etc etc.

All the best with it OP!

Lukker-

OP first of all enjoy your holiday, you deserve it. Check your emails but don’t reply, and don’t spend too much time thinking about it.

You are doing the job of 2 people, you need at least another person to support you. Did you receive an increase in compensation when the senior guy left? You need another set of eyes because when it’s just you, you can get lost in the code and it’s harder to spot what’s going wrong when you spend so much time looking at the same thing.

Anyways take it easy, you sound like you might be close to burning out. It’s only a job, and if it’s too much pressure you will have no problem getting something else, maybe more support focused.

LegacyUser

I'm fed up of it anyway. Left work on Friday evening stuck again on something. I have been looking at sites like upwork etc. over the weekend to get someone who might have a solution. I need it done by Tuesday at the latest though.
No I didn't get an increase in compensation when the senior guy left. No money could compensate me for this torture though. I am going to look for a different job.

LegacyUser

There's been a development anyway; I was told today they are hiring another guy to help me. He is not going to physically be in the office; he is based in the UK and will be working offline.
I haven't been getting on too well in the job; I've been getting my work done but it's been taking me too long. Most infamously with writing the app that caused me to start this thread.
It's in Prod and is working away grand but it was a real struggle for me and really upset me while I was doing it.
I hate the feeling of leaving work on a Friday evening with some coding problem unresolved, waiting to be fixed on the Monday. I hate it on any evening but it's worse on a Friday because I have the whole weekend to think about it.
There are a couple of guys who work in another part of the building who I know for a fact have been slagging me off among themselves, saying I am not up to the job. I was never supposed to do this job anyway because I was given it on the understanding that I would be supporting the existing DBA/Systems Developer (it says that on my contract). However he upped and left the week I started so I ended up doing his job. My boss has been filling this gap since then by having the guy in the UK helping me out now and then and the guy who left has come back a few times to do bits and pieces. Now the guy in the UK is working for us full-time. I suppose I should be glad as it will take some of the workload off me but I still think I should go because I am on a contract and it runs until the 31st January 2019. I have a feeling this guy has been hired to replace me and my contract will not be renewed on the 31st January. I don't know what's gone on behind the scenes but I think it's been decided that I am too slow to get things done an they have decided to replace me by stealth.
I won't have any comeback because even though they broke my contract by having me a do a job that was different to what was described in the contract that contract will be finished so they can just not renew it.
I have seen an advertisement for a software dev course tutor so I will apply for it and see what happens. I have got until the end of January to get a new job but I'd rather move now.

beauf

They'll probably replace you with 3 guys.

Sucks to be set up to fail like that. You have my empathy.

TomOnBoard

Its just as well that youve come to this conclusion. Not because you're not good enough, but because you BELIEVE you're not.

You need to take an honest look at how you coped in previous jobs as well. And more important, how did you BELIEVE you did. If you never felt out of your depth in the way you do here, in any previous job, then you can see this one as bad 'un and its time to call it quits. However, your thread is titled "Out of my depth (again)" and I wonder why you put the "again" in there. Might it be that you are simply dealing with a serious lack of self- confidence and resilience that are leading you to obsess about what you see as shortcomings, that others might see as over thinking things.

DON'T allow what you perceive gobs%^tes elsewhere in the organisation to be thinking or saying to enter your head. If they're not in your chain of command, their opinion is irrelevant. Sometimes when we're feeling poorly about our performance, we see other peoples' comments or even the way they might look at you, in a negative light and grossly over- state it to ourselves. Feeding negative thoughts like that is highly self- destructive and might be worth taking some time for you to speak about with someone outside of work.

I hired many people in the IT area over 30 years, and I never once met someone I wanted to fire who was trying their best and performing reasonably OK, when they gave a full commitment and were not just useless. There were quite a few geniuses that I would have gladly got rid of who knew so much they were excellent producers, but only when they either felt like it or when they dragged themselves away from their proverbial narcissistic mirror, such was their self- belief. And those ppl were often a nightmare in terms of personality and damaged the cohesion of more teams than Roy Keane.

Based on what you've said here, and not intending to give out to you, but FFS give yourself a break. And then by all means look to greener/further pastures. But do so with confidence, and spend a while working on that in the meantime.

Some here have been with you on this thread from the beginning. So you know from our posts that we want you to succeed.

LegacyUser

I appreciate the kind comments here but they are not helping me really. Maybe the guy they have hired is not there to replace me but I don't really trust them in this place. There are lots of other people on 12 month contracts in there but I don't see a reason for giving someone a 12 month contract other than that they want the option to get rid of you to be available.
As regards my performance in the job, I'm mad at myself for not being good at it, I'm not mad at the company. It's very bad for my morale to be in a job where I know I am not up to it. I know most people wouldn't give a s***e and would probably not care as long as they saw the numbers in the bank account every month but that doesn't work for me.
I know for a fact there is dissatisfaction among some people that they had this wizard before me who could do everything they asked and now they've got this guy in his place. I just don't like the feeling inside of inadequacy. Driving home on a Friday evening saying to myself "Why didn't I fix that quicker?", "Why didn't I know that was why it wasn't working" etc. It's a horrible feeling and really brings me down. Maybe some people there aren't thinking negatively of me but I'm thinking it and I don't like it one bit.
I say out of my depth (again) because it's a recurring theme and I'm sick of it. I've got away with it most times but I don't want to get away with it. I like the idea of tutoring because you can prepare yourself beforehand and there are no surprises lying in wait every day. A student can ask you something that isn't in the curriculum but you can say I'll look it up and get back to you.
When I did it it was the only job I felt "Hey, I'm actually good at this"
A lot of my problem is to do with self-esteem. If I can't do everything myself my attitude is "**** off I don't want to know". (unless I can go and learn it but then that takes time).
That's a weakness I know but it's just my mentality.

Berserker

ollie_87 wrote: »

Left work on Friday evening stuck again on something.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Been in that position countless times myself. An old architect used to tell me that problems are good news for us. If there weren't any problems we wouldn't have a job.

beauf

Theres a guy I know that keeps getting himself stuck simply because he can't or is not willing to break things down into simple problems.

For example he will spend days trying to fix problems with huge amount of data instead of isolating one bit of data and fixing that. Then moving to the next bit.

Basically he takes on too much at once then gets overwhelmed. Yet is unwilling to change how he works..

Maybe you are doing similar things.

jester77

Sounds like you have an understanding boss. That is a huge help. Have a chat with him/her, explain the situation. Keeping the head down and not saying anything is not a good idea and will just make things worse.

Do you have a good suite of tests in place? If not, then start on this once you get through the current project. Ask for the time to get them in place, you can use your current predicament as motivation for getting time for this. They are a life saver in situations like this. You make a change, run the tests and check they are all ok. Then make the next change and test again. You never have to worry about breaking current implementations. Any half decent boss will understand their value.

Zascar

OP have you started looking for jobs that you could prefer and could excel at?

LegacyUser

Zascar wrote: »

OP have you started looking for jobs that you could prefer and could excel at?

ollie_87 wrote: »

I have seen an advertisement for a software dev course tutor so I will apply for it and see what happens. I have got until the end of January to get a new job but I'd rather move now.

I have applied for this and am hopeful but I'd say I won't even get called for an interview because I am short on experience and don't have all the required qualifications. It's a less "prestigious" job than the one I am in but I don't mind that.
The only stumbling block would be the salary as I would not move for less money (I know I am not that great at what I do for a living but I know what I am worth).
I liked teaching because there's a saying "those who can't do teach". That's not true of all teachers of course as most of them are really smart and capable and I have massive respect for teachers/tutors because it is a very difficult job. However there is a certain amount of truth in that saying.
Anyway I'd say it won't matter because I won't get the job. It's just that in my current job when it took me so long to do that last application (six weeks instead of two) and the MD's were sending emails around asking when it would be finished etc. it made me feel uncomfortable and well, stupid.
The very second anything goes wrong for me in a job I want out. In a previous job I deleted a database by accident and even though my boss didn't bat an eyelid I wanted out after that.
In the tutoring job I felt competent most of the time and got good feedback from my manager when the contract finished. The only thing I didn't teach too well in it was Photoshop because I always hated that application and could never get into it.

TomOnBoard

I'm not sure there's much point in typing out yet another long post to help you when you say that none of this is helping you. You've applied for a job and before you even get a response, you say you won't get called for interview and if you do, you wont get the job. This kind of negativity is going to destroy you.

At this stage, I'd recommend that you stop looking for advice from strangers on Boards when you're in need of some professional life- coaching / counselling to help you deal with the attitude that is clearly holding you back. Such professional help would pay massive dividends IMHO.

The longest journey has always started with taking the first step! Good luck, but I'm outta here!

Zascar

Honestly OP I've never seen such a negative & defeatest attitude. Seems like you are in a very bad place and need some help. You should probably go talk to someone, learn some techniques that can pull you out o this rut. It's very doable. Even buy a few books on confidence and finding your way. Look on Amazon or any decent bookshop will have them. Your mind is in a negative spiral but if you pull out of it you'll be amazed the good things that will happen. Do whatever it takes it will be worth it. Feel free to ask any questions.

GreeBo

I've been working as a develoepr for the last 20+ years.

Being stuck on something and having to work around things is basically a description of the role.

Its ridiculously rare that you design something and then implement it step by step and it just works.

All the POCs and spikes in the world wont catch all the gotchas, changed requirements etc. its just part and parcel of the job.

The secret, and your main problem as I see it, is that you need to share the status of things. You are keeping all the problems to yourself and all the outside world sees is that you are late delivering something.
You need to share that there are problems and that you have a plan for working on them. There is nothing more frustrating as a customer (the two guys are your customer in this case) than being kept in the dark and then suddenly being told "its going to be late" on the day its due.

Its also common enough to feel "im an idiot, I dont know what Im doing" when you get stressed and stuff isnt working, again this is why you need to share stuff and bounce things off other people, even if they are not responsible or even on the project. Good development is always the product of more than one person, if you only ever listen to yourself you code will most likely end up being weird and esoteric and difficult for anyone else to understand, it was also be overly complicated since you probably didnt sit down and think it all through several times, the way you would if you were working with others.