Considering asking out a younger women shes 23 and I'm 40

LegacyUser

I recently got to know this girl from going into the shop she works from time to time . From the first time I spoke to her it was always very easy to strike up a conversation and have a bit of banter with her each time I came in. She told me she was leaving her current place to go work in local restaurant so I might not see her again. I told her I've been to that restaurant loads of times and was sure to see her again and she just smiled. That night I added her on FB and she accepted , since then she has updated her status to single. I'm aware the gap is large but I'm not a player or after only one thing and there's definitely a spark there. Half considering asking her out for a coffee, just something casual. What ye reckon?

Carrie50

I.m sure a lot of 40 yr old men find a "spark" with 23yr olds😠but no harm in asking her for coffee...

I don't think you should confuse someone being polite in their own workplace as interest. She's not really able to be rude to you as an employee or do anything but smile politely.

I've no idea why you would add her on your facebook.

If you do ask her out most certainly do not do it in her workplace

lawred2

None of those intersections sound remarkable to be honest but you know the context better yourself.

RhubarbCrumble

If you're 100% sure she's single then I don't see the harm in asking her for a coffee. Whether or not she's interested, well no one here can tell you that. For what it's worth, when I was 23 I was going out with a guy in his mid 30's and age was never a problem.
Ask her and see. You don't really have anything to lose. Best of luck!

thetimeisnow

Carrie50 wrote: »

I.m sure a lot of 40 yr old men find a "spark" with 23yr olds😠but no harm in asking her for coffee...

Seeing Sexisim towards women Racisim and Homophobia being dealth with in the 21st century is a positive sign however I wonder will I ever see the day where a heterosexual man doesn't have to be apologetic for being so

Big Bag of Chips

thetimeisnow, Welcome to the Personal Issues Forum. Please read The Forum Charter to learn how this forum works. Personal Issues is an advice forum, where we ask posters to reply to the OP with constructive, civil advice.

Thanks

redfox123

thetimeisnow wrote: »

Seeing Sexisim towards women Racisim and Homophobia being dealth with in the 21st century is a positive sign however I wonder will I ever see the day where a heterosexual man doesn't have to be apologetic for being so

It's not about being heterosexual or not. The woman is nearly half his age, and remembering what I and my peers were like at that age we would have had zero interest in a man of that age. He would have to be extremely good looking or something to even be tempted. Go ahead and ask her out if you like, but what is the attraction based on, just looks? She smiled at you and accepted your request on fb?

Xterminator

redfox123 wrote: »

He would have to be extremely good looking or something to even be tempted. ?

Pure crap. No 23 year old would be interested in a 40 year old unless he is "extremely good looking or something"?

People make connections all the time. there are plenty of relationships with age disparity, and or race, disability etc. These are not immutable barriers. Looks are overrated as a way of choosing someone to share your life with.

OP - ask her out. worst case scenario she says no thanks and you feel a momentary embarrassment.

GingerLily

In this situation I think it would be okay to ask her out, just be prepared for a polite rejection!

redfox123

Xterminator wrote: »

Pure crap. No 23 year old would be interested in a 40 year old unless he is "extremely good looking or something"?

People make connections all the time. there are plenty of relationships with age disparity, and or race, disability etc. These are not immutable barriers. Looks are overrated as a way of choosing someone to share your life with.

OP - ask her out. worst case scenario she says no thanks and you feel a momentary embarrassment.

Yea I said go ask her out. I'm just being realistic, and thinking about what I was like at that age and most (*most as in huge majority) of very young women are like. There would have to be a very very strong attraction for some reason, looks or otherwise, because most will want a man of a similar age that at a similar life stage and outlook, have common interests and tastes in music etc. A 23 year old will probably not be looking for 'someone to share their life with', while a 40 year old man probably will, unless he is just basing this attraction purely on looks too. It doesn't seem that he has had any deep connection here to make him think she would be a good life partner?

witchgirl26

OP not sure if there is anything there based on what you've said but what's the worst that can happen by asking her out for a drink or coffee. Worst case scenario is that she says no.

redfox123 wrote: »

The woman is nearly half his age, and remembering what I and my peers were like at that age we would have had zero interest in a man of that age. He would have to be extremely good looking or something to even be tempted.

Ah come on. My mam was 24 when she married my dad who was 40. I loved my dad but he wasn't George Clooney. He was however a lovely man, who was everything she was looking for.

redfox123

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP not sure if there is anything there based on what you've said but what's the worst that can happen by asking her out for a drink or coffee. Worst case scenario is that she says no.



Ah come on. My mam was 24 when she married my dad who was 40. I loved my dad but he wasn't George Clooney. He was however a lovely man, who was everything she was looking for.

Yes I'm sure he was, what I'm saying is *generally a 23 year old won't go for someone in 40s, but of course there are exceptions, so if he has the confidence then go ahead. Would people be telling a 40 year old woman to ask a 23 year old out, they might but they would say he's probably not looking for a life partner.

kylith

OP, you can ask her out but, whatever you do, don’t do it at work, and if you get rejected be prepared to never go to that restaurant again.

witchgirl26

redfox123 wrote: »

Yes I'm sure he was, what I'm saying is *generally a 23 year old won't go for someone in 40s, but of course there are exceptions, so if he has the confidence then go ahead. Would people be telling a 40 year old woman to ask a 23 year old out, they might but they would say he's probably not looking for a life partner.

I know quite a few couples with large age gaps. Yes I would be. He might not be in that scenario but he might be. Some people settle down in their 20's, others in their 30's and others still in their 40's. It all depends on the individual. What is the harm in asking someone out?

Permabear

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allym

Absolutely no harm in asking her out but I agree that in this day and age most 23 year olds wouldn’t have an interest in someone older unless they had a brilliant connection. I’m mid 20s and (rightly or wrongly) wouldn’t be interested in someone so much older. But we’ve no idea how this girl feels and only way to do that is bite the bullet and ask. But for the love of god don’t do it in work

Lux23

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't think you should confuse someone being polite in their own workplace as interest. She's not really able to be rude to you as an employee or do anything but smile politely.

I think this is key. Without meeting this girl outside of her workplace, you can't really be sure that she is even remotely interested in you. So if you are going to ask her out, you must be prepared to get a flat no and to make her feel extremely uncomfortable. If you're honest with yourself OP, you know she's probably not into you but you're enjoying the fantasy, maybe keep it at that?

Idle Passerby

Speaking as a woman who was once 23, I would have been grossed out if a man of 40 asked me out. I thought 30 year old's were shuffling towards their bus pass back then and I was far from the only one with similar opinions.

I obviously cant claim every 23 year old would have similar ageist opinions so I cant say if you should ask her out, but Id be prepared for a no.

Permabear

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skallywag

I see no reason not to give it a shot OP, albeit with having a reasonably high chance of it not flying.

That said though, how much thought have you put into it beyond the short term? I myself would have very little in common with a girl in her early 20s, and to be frank I know I would just bore easily in such a situation after a matter of time. Age gaps themselves are not such as issue, but the relative point in time at which they occur can be. E.g. I would see the gap between 23 and 40 as much more potentially incompatible than between say 33 and 50.

Idle Passerby

Permabear wrote: »

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Film stars and real life middle aged men are a completely different kettle of fish. It wasn't necessarily looks that would have put me and my peers off older men, it was the lack of shared interests, the unbalanced life experience, the potential baggage and the perceived sleaze factor attached to a man who was interested in a much younger woman.

But at the end of the day each person is an individual and there are of course young ones who have no gripe with a more mature gentleman.

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ginandtonicsky

Permabear wrote: »

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Of course, but they're still a few decades older than a 20 year old. When I was 20, I could acknowledge that my Dad had some attractive mates, that George Clooney was a bit dreamy etc, but they were my Dad's mates! Silver foxes, 'not bad for an aul wan' etc as you tend to think when you're 20.

I think the overwhelming majority of 20 year old women would be grossed out, and I'd also consider the fact that if they're fairly attractive off the bat, they're probably used to men twice their age drooling over them. Tends to be a fairly common theme for most young women.

LolaJJ

I went out with a 40 year old man for 6 months when I was 23!! We actually moved in together! It happens...

It was a bit mental though

Go for it but don't expect to have a lot in common if things work out. Also be prepared for her friends to feel like their dad is around when you are socialising.

Permabear

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Lux23

Well, if you're looking for a meal ticket, an older man is the way to go alright.

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eviltwin

Go for it, if she says no at least you won't be wondering but she might say yes.....

retro:electro

You have nothing to lose really. But going by your OP, I don’t see anything at all that suggests she has an interest in you. By all accounts it reads as though she was being polite to a customer.
At 23 I think I would have died of heart failure if a 40 year old man asked me out.

Daisy78

Permabear wrote: »

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I think it's the fact that men of that age are after a bit of eye candy they can boast about to their friends and that the fact that the attraction is mostly physical (on his end). This is what makes women somewhat wary of older men. Personally I would have run a mile at 23 if a 40 year old guy asked me out. But that's me.

There is nothing in the op's post to suggest that there is a common connection, just an encounter with a girl he finds attractive.

liam7831

I'm sure she would be mortified to be seen out with you by her friends (no offence) so I'd say just do yourself a favour and forget about it

Carrie50

Maybe she has turned 24 since u first posted..yawn....just ask her out before u get any older...best of luck to u....
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Passenger

Do it. You'll only be tormented by 'what if's' if you don't.

wiggle16

It's likely she's being polite because she only sees you while at work. 17 years is a big age gap for someone in their early 20s.

By all means ask her for a coffee, there's no harm, but be prepared for a rejection and absolutely be gracious if she does refuse.

Good luck anyhow! x

WIZWEB

There was a 19 year age gap between me and my ex. Four years it lasted. Me the older one. Ironically he tried controlling me like a parent instead of compromising like a partner so I eventually walked. Lots of age gaps work out just fine though.

kylith

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As the ad says 'the awkwardness, oh God, the awkwardness'.

If he asks her out and she says yes then grand, no worries. Could be a meeting of the minds, could be she's after a sugar daddy, doesn't matter which as long as everyone's happy.

However maybe she was only smiling at him cos she was in work, and maybe she's the type of person who accepts every friend request she gets. If he asks her out and it's a flat no and he keeps going in there then he's the creepy old weirdo who tried to get into her pants and now keeps hanging round. If she's a nice person it'll be a constant embarrassment to her to have to serve him. If she's not a nice person then he'll be a figure of fun for her and her mates. I just can't see it ending well.

JustAThought

I have my views on a 14 year age gap (what do you have in common where can you go in common - you can hardly hang out with her friends etc) but either she must like him or be in some way interested as she joined him on fb !
Maybe a way to check how the lie of the land is woukd be to see of you can connect in any way on FB or in a thread get to talk on fb or have common themes or life approaches . Asking out is easy but knowing if you will have a single thing to say in that date can be figured out a little easier that way. Does she have 500 friends? Is she usually asking for votes or sharing anything personal on FB or is is mostly just a holding account? Do you talk with her on fb or does she talk and i teract with you? A (and not declarations of admiration or love to her privately on messanger!) Your answers and approach may start there!

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Lux23

I'm experiencing a similar situation at the moment, but in reverse, I'm engaged, there's a fella working in the local Spar, and he always comments on my looks etc. when he sees me. I was laughing it off, but then yesterday I went into the shop to pick a package. First, he was asking me my name Miss or Missus, I said Ms, and then he picked up the box and said, oh now I know your name and where you live. I was dumbfounded. I just walked out of the shop, but I really should have told him his behaviour was creepy and that I wasn't interested. (I have told him I was engaged before, he has seen me with my partner so I expect he forgets all the women he creeps on.)

I'm not saying you're like that OP, but you could be veering into dodgy territory.

JackTaylorFan

Ehmmm... not sure about any of this.

a) you're a customer in a store where the staffs' job depends upon being civil - even to the worst of humanity

b) relationship statuses on FB can have privacy settings - i.e. only after becoming friends will you see it

c) some people will add everyone and anyone on social media for "likes"

Sounds to me like you're reading way too much into this 'cause you want to get a leg over with a young one. But, sure ask her out, only way you'll find out for sure.

Permabear

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TheBoyConor

OP she probably has friend's whose fathers are your own age bracket.

I find age gaps to be creepy and personally, I would not go anything beyond 5 years - that's my threshold and beyond that i just would worry about being considered a pervy sleazeball.

Big age gap relationships always remind me of Sharon Curley and Georgie Burgess.

"are you all right sharon?"

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

If she's leaving the job soon anyway, there's no harm in chancing it, as long as you're prepared for rejection.

I've worked in customer facing roles since I was sixteen and I remember some pretty awkward situations in the earlier years where much older male customers started getting way too familiar, or trying it on if they saw me out of work. It just didn't cross my mind that a man of my father's generation would be interested in me that way. As your career progresses you figure out the balancing act of being nice but not TOO nice.

But sure, no harm asking. But yeah, not in work. Maybe even over Facebook.

jr86

JustAThought wrote: »

but either she must like him or be in some way interested as she joined him on fb !

It was he who added her - she just accepted

As simple as that. Means absolutely nothing. If any acquaintance adds me on FB, I'll accept, out of politeness if nothing else. Would be a bit awkward if she didn't accept and she's expecting to still see him in her new place of work on a perhaps regular basis

Also plenty of younger people just want to boost the number of friends on Social media, so would accept anyone. You grow out of this obviously, but when you're younger these things can be significant to you

Lux23

Permabear wrote: »

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I'm sorry, but how can you be so sure this young woman won't be creeped out by this man twice her age coming into her place of work and asking her out? The OP may not mean any harm, but that doesn't mean he isn't a creep in her eyes.

skallywag

Lux23 wrote: »

I'm sorry, but how can you be so sure this young woman won't be creeped out by this man twice her age coming into her place of work and asking her out? The OP may not mean any harm, but that doesn't mean he isn't a creep in her eyes.

The situation that you described a few posts back is full on creep material, but you can't possibly compare that situation to someone simply politely asking a girl out. It's apples and oranges. She would want to be pretty deep into the precious spectrum if simply being asked out creeps her out.

Permabear

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JustAThought

No - but what is not normal is the age difference. She is polite to him in her place of work where he is a customer. When he was in university she was in nappies. When she was in pigtails in school he was in Coppers & managing budgets and leading an adult life. What does he think they have in common other than she is politr and nice and pretty? They dont know each other, have no common friends and he knoes nothing about her
I feel trouble a comin!

witchgirl26

JustAThought wrote: »

No - but what is not normal is the age difference. She is polite to him in her place of work where he is a customer. When he was in university she was in nappies. When she was in pigtails in school he was in Coppers & managing budgets and leading an adult life. What does he think they have in common other than she is politr and nice and pretty? They dont know each other, have no common friends and he knoes nothing about her
I feel trouble a comin!

Oh come on - age doesn't dictate common interests. One of my best friends is about 13 years older than me and we became friends due to common interests. Why might it be so different for a couple?

I didn't know my other half much before we went out. I had no common friends with him and didn't know a huge amount about him. It's called getting to know each other.

My dad left home for good the year my mam was born! They had quite a bit in common despite the age difference and also had differences too which isn't always a bad thing. My mam made my dad more social and my dad brought a stability to my mam that she wanted.

At the end of the day if the OP wants to ask her out, he should just go for it. If she says no, then leave well enough alone but lets not all get ahead of ourselves with the whole "won't someone think of the children"! It's not like he's asking out someone who's a child legally. She's an adult who's 23 years old.