Travelling with work missing kids birthdays

Jasper79

Hi

What are peoples thoughts on missing kids birthdays due to work. Have you had to Or would you ?

Work want me to travel for 2 weeks missing toddlers birthday. I explained the situation to see if can move dates or find work around but they said no and insisting has to be done.

Thanks for reading.

_Brian

See can you wrangle a few days extra leave so ye can make a special day out when your back and not affect your leave days.

Aufbau

Just change the date of the birthday. The toddler won't know the difference.

Don't forget to tell relatives so they don't send cards, presents etc on the 'wrong' day

Conservatory

You can be a low rate 9-5 minimum wage worker that goes to kids birthdays and your partner can complain about the lack of money you earn-

Or

—
You can go hustle and earn some money and your partner can complain about you missing stuff

It’s a win win at the end of the day.

Cocobongo

Bad situation, athough as the poster above said - you have to bring the money in, comfortable hours rarely comes with good money.

I tend to travel a lot for work and keep fighting with my wife over how little time do i spend with my child (i am the only one working in the family) and last time we had an arguement i did offer her to go get same paid job and i can stay at home, or if she’d like i could start working 9-5 and only get half of my current salary - obviously she answered “no” to both

As much as i sound like a di**head giving those options to her - i do hate working most of the day and coming back home when my child is asleep, but i also want to keep paying morgage, having them drive in a safe good car, eating well, going to good schools or universities, going out for vacation every so often, etc etc

bee06

Cocobongo wrote: »

As much as i sound like a di**head giving those options to her - i do hate working most of the day and coming back home when my child is asleep, but i also want to keep paying morgage, having them drive in a safe good car, eating well, going to good schools or universities, going out for vacation every so often, etc etc

I wouldn’t say you sound like a dickhead, you’re being realistic. Unfortunately somethings got to give. It’s actually the thing that worries me most about going back to work after my maternity leave.

OP, your child won’t remember. If you have to do it, you have to do it. My dad worked abroad twice for 6 month stretches when I was 2/3. I can’t remember if he missed my birthday but he did miss Christmas one year. I don’t remember being traumatised about him being gone and it didn’t adversely affect our relationship. I only know he missed Christmas because I named the doll I got from Santa after him because he wasn’t there.

Cash_Q

Toddler won't remember! As someone else suggested, just celebrate it on another date. Some things you just can't get out of with work.

Oh p.s. my mam missed mine and my twin's birthday a few years in a row when we were around 5/6/7 years of age. I remember but I don't care. There was a writer's festival on every year around the same time and raising 4 tiny kids she was entitled to go take that weekend off once per year. We always thought the novelty of being at home with our dad was fun.

Peregrinus

Aufbau wrote: »

Just change the date of the birthday. The toddler won't know the difference.

Don't forget to tell relatives so they don't send cards, presents etc on the 'wrong' day

This.

It was (and still is) absolutely standard in my family to move birthdays back or forward by a week or more in order to mark them on a day which would allow the best celebration. Absolutely not a problem unless you arbitrarily decide that it's a problem.

Wanderer78

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

skallywag

OP, how often do you travel with work, and was it pointed out explicitly when you took the position that some travel would be required?

Neither I nor my team members travel all that often (nor do we want to), but we do when it's absolutely necessary. When such a requirement pops up, then it's usually not something which can be postponed or renegotiated. A toddler's birthday would not justify pulling out, in my book.

uck51js9zml2yt

Aufbau wrote: »

Just change the date of the birthday. The toddler won't know the difference.

Don't forget to tell relatives so they don't send cards, presents etc on the 'wrong' day

Spot on. We do it most years and the kids don't realise.

Widdensushi

Wanderer78 wrote: »

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

really!funny place here,you can go from reading about children being forced to watch their father chopped up with a machete to people being advised to quit their jobs if they cannot make their kids birthday party,take a step back op ,is it really that big a deal not to be present,i have missed more of my kids birthdays than i have been present for but i dont think they could tell you that as it was not made a fuss of,do you want your kids growing up putting so much focus on birthdays etc and getting upset if somebody is not there?

Wanderer78

Widdensushi wrote: »

really!funny place here,you can go from reading about children being forced to watch their father chopped up with a machete to people being adviced to quit their jobs if they cannot make their kids birthday party,take a step back op ,is it really that big a deal not to be present,i have missed more of my kids birthdays than i have been present for but i dont think they could tell you that as it was not made a fuss of,do you want your kids growing up putting so much focus on birthdays etc and getting upset if somebody is not there?

at some point in time, workers must have some sort of say in how their lives are to be organised, rather than dictated to

TG1

Wanderer78 wrote: »

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

Bit extreme I think, if the travel can't be reorganised it can't be. Op, I'd be wary of getting caught up in high emotions in this one. The organisation has a schedule that needs to be stuck to and a toddlers birthday isn't high on any companies agenda.
Just go, and if these sort of days mean that much to you, in future, book them off well in advance as annual leave days and you won't have to travel on them.

Wanderer78

TG1 wrote: »

Bit extreme I think, if the travel can't be reorganised it can't be. Op, I'd be wary of getting caught up in high emotions in this one. The organisation has a schedule that needs to be stuck to and a toddlers birthday isn't high on any companies agenda.
Just go, and if these sort of days mean that much to you, in future, book them off well in advance as annual leave days and you won't have to travel on them.

even though your recommendations are good and probably the best way forward, id still have to somewhat disagree

AndrewJRenko

Wanderer78 wrote: »

at some point in time, workers must have some sort of say in how their lives are to be organised, rather than dictated to

So if I'm organising a training course of 15-20 people across Europe, I not only have to take into account other projects and annual leave, I now need to check who's kids and wives and grannies have birthdays on the week in question?

I'm not one to bang the pro-business drum, but you have to get real.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

TG1 wrote: »

The organisation has a schedule that needs to be stuck to and a toddlers birthday isn't high on any companies agenda.

There's plenty of organisations that would have empathy in this case and reorganize the meeting or whatever it is. It's hardly going to make or break the company.

Wanderer78

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

So if I'm organising a training course of 15-20 people across Europe, I not only have to take into account other projects and annual leave, I now need to check who's kids and wives and grannies have birthdays on the week in question?

I'm not one to bang the pro-business drum, but you have to get real.

again, at some point in time, employees needs must also be met, as actually it is their work that actually completes tasks and creates wealth, i.e. without workers, there is nothing. are our places of employment dictating our lives?

irishrebe

Widdensushi wrote: »

Wanderer78 wrote: »

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

really!funny place here,you can go from reading about children being forced to watch their father chopped up with a machete to people being adviced to quit their jobs if they cannot make their kids birthday party,take a step back op ,is it really that big a deal not to be present,i have missed more of my kids birthdays than i have been present for but i dont think they could tell you that as it was not made a fuss of,do you want your kids growing up putting so much focus on birthdays etc and getting upset if somebody is not there?

Indeed. That's how you end up with adults like my ex-coworker, who threw a tantrum when not all of us (coworkers) could make it to her 28th birthday. Pathetic. I mean, obviously you'd rather be there, but if it can't be helped than it can't be helped. I agree that just moving the day is a good solution, then you still get the big party and the kid will be none the wiser.

Wanderer78

Wanderer78 wrote: »

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

Might be worth staying put, job security could be good etc. Can't have it all.

Wabbit Ears

Seriously, just have a birthday party on another day. You don't have to be there on the actual birthday day. It's perfectly normal to be working or away for work on if a kids birthday falls midweek and if you're away the weekend sure there are weekends either side.

At a guess your partner is the one who is making you feel bad for missing the actual day and it's your first kid. We've all been there and can empathise.

Tony EH

On the plus side OP, it's just a toddler, they're not going to remember anything.

When they get to 5, 6 or older. You may have to think about looking for another job. One that resepects your family life a bit better.

When you're older, you'll be happier with the memories of silly little things like your children's birthdays etc, more so than that crappy business trip your job insisted that you take.

Your family means everything. Your job doesn't mean shit at the end of the day and they won't think twice when they want rid of you.

TG1

Ramon Slow Jackpot wrote: »

There's plenty of organisations that would have empathy in this case and reorganize the meeting or whatever it is. It's hardly going to make or break the company.

How many people are going? Is there anyone going from outside the company? Is what is being discussed time sensitive?

We have no information to say that it won't make or break the company! The organization and planning and spending that goes into planning any meeting/training/briefing is often severly underestimated by employees who just have to turn up on the day.

Any company's first priority is their bottom line, and employees need to be aware of that. If their first priority isn't their bottom line that's when you should go job hunting, because they may not be around in the long term.

Pronto63

Aufbau wrote: »

Just change the date of the birthday. The toddler won't know the difference.

Don't forget to tell relatives so they don't send cards, presents etc on the 'wrong' day

Great 👠idea 💡

_Brian

Fairness plenty of shift workers are in the same position.

When I worked shifts I would be away from the house from 5:30am to 8:30pm and on occasion missed one of the kids parties when I couldn’t get leave.

Similarly when I was on night shift I would have missed night outs and family celebrations.

SusanC10

My Husband travels a lot for work. He has missed Birthdays, Anniversaries, special occasions. We just move the celebration date and celebrate when he is here. Our Kids are older now but they are used to this happening. Our son's Birthday is this week. My Husband is away. So his Party will be in July.

Jasper79

OP here, thanks for the comments everyone. I don't want to give too many details , guess it's not that big a deal to move the date to celebrate.

JustAThought

Jasper79 wrote: »

OP here, thanks for the comments everyone. I don't want to give too many details , guess it's not that big a deal to move the date to celebrate.

Ah sure its heartbreaking but you are absolutely doing your best for your family and toddler -I am sure if they knew how much you agonised over it and tried to fix it with work they would give you a hug and say they loved you and that it was ok.

jca

Wanderer78 wrote: »

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

AHH will ya stop with that aul rubbish. I missed many birthdays because of work commitments, children starting to walk, talk etc. These children need to be paid for bills need to be paid nobody died my children and wife understood then as they do now. No jars no jam unfortunately.

C3PO

Wanderer78 wrote: »

If you cannot find a way of altering this situation to your satisfaction, I'd start to consider moving on, I think it's disgraceful that an employer would put an employee in this situation. Best of luck

Really?

Squeeonline

When we organise group events in my organisation, we use something like Doodle to select a date that suits the most number of people at once. We have an annual retreat this year that I'm missing because of prior commitments but the most number of people can go. Greater good and all that.

Neyite

We just move the main celebration to the nearest available weekend day, that's what all the classmates do as well.

On the actual birthday they get their present in the morning and a small cake after dinner.

You've got to pick your battles here. Flexibility from an employer for child-related reasons is an important perk of any job for parents, but while it's a toddler birthday now, in a few more years you'll have other days you'll want or need time off for and there will be things that you'll miss, and things that can't be rescheduled that you won't/cant avoid.

In the last 12 months we've had creche graduation day, school open day, first day of school, parent teacher meeting, vaccination day, school concert, school mass. That's not not counting 2 dental, 3 gp visits, one outpatient follow up appointment, 2 snow days, 1 teacher training day, one day the school closed for polling where we would have had to take time off work. We both work full time so usually it's only one of us that can step in, and once or twice we had to get Granny to go in our place.

I totally understand you wont want to miss milestone moments but you do want your employer to be sound with flexibility when it's something that's REALLY important, rather than a family celebration that can easily be moved to a weekend.

Blaizes

Have the party when you return home.Take lots of photos and put in an album to show your child when he/she is bigger. The most important thing is that you have the party, not when you have it.

Ash.J.Williams

I'm a "single dad" or whatever the **** we're called and I have to get very creative with birthdays /fathers day etc.... No big deal

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

whippet

my wife travels a fair bit with work over the last few years .. and it's usually long-haul for a week or so at a time. I've two young kids and we have just learned to be creative about things like that.

As the kids have gotten older (now 6 & 9) .. she does miss out on the odd thing like school concerts / football matches .. but these are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things and when she comes back from her trips we always make sure we have something planned as a family and the kids appreciate that more.


If she travels to the UK or Europe she might hold on to her hotel for the weekend and we fly over to meet her and make a mini-holiday of it. We have had endless discussions around her career and the travel etc .. but in reality without her career we wouldn't be in a position to have the lifestyle we have .. so its all relative.


While travelling for work is tough .. it is tough on the partner left behind .. fortunately my employers are very flexible and I work from home most of the time so I can work around it

Permabear

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Well the chap you are quoting I suppose reckons that ideally the wealth would be redistributed so folk doing less demanding jobs with lower pay would be in a position to benefit from the toils of others.

We aren't there yet of course

osarusan

A lot of the time, birthdays fall on days that are inconvenient (school days, work, other people can't make it, etc).

Most of the time, we'd just move the party to a convenient day.

If this is the first time you've had to consider moving the day, it might seem like a big issue, but I think in a few years it will be fairly common.

_Brian

osarusan wrote: »

A lot of the time, birthdays fall on days that are inconvenient (school days, work, other people can't make it, etc).

Most of the time, we'd just move the party to a convenient day.

If this is the first time you've had to consider moving the day, it might seem like a big issue, but I think in a few years it will be fairly common.

Same.
My daughter was 10 on Saturday but we had a wee party Friday after school with just five of her friends from school as Saturday wasn’t convenient. I think since school age all their parties have been on Friday evenings after school, same with their friends.

Jasper79

Jasper79 wrote: »

Hi

What are peoples thoughts on missing kids birthdays due to work. Have you had to Or would you ?

Work want me to travel for 2 weeks missing toddlers birthday. I explained the situation to see if can move dates or find work around but they said no and insisting has to be done.

Thanks for reading.

The toddler won’t remember. Make a fuss when you get back. Same goes if you’re scheduled to work over Christmas. There are bigger things to worry about. Like feeding, clothing and providing a roof over their head.

jimmycrackcorm

Wanderer78 wrote:

again, at some point in time, employees needs must also be met, as actually it is their work that actually completes tasks and creates wealth, i.e. without workers, there is nothing. are our places of employment dictating our lives?

There'd be no wealth at all if the workers couldn't turn up because of kids birthdays and so on.

Deagol

Heineken cup final 2006 fell on the same weekend as my daughters 12th birthday. I explained the situation to her and asked if she minded me going and that I'd get her an extra special present to thank her.

Cue 2007, daughter asks me if I'm going to rugby again and missing her birthday. Feeling bad about the previous year, I explain that Munster not in the final this year and happily I could spend her birthday with her.

At which point she looked unhappy and stated she wouldn't mind if I went anyway to the rugby as long as she got a special present again Kids and bribery go well together OP

mvl

Deagol wrote: »

At which point she looked unhappy and stated she wouldn't mind if I went anyway to the rugby as long as she got a special present again Kids and bribery go well together OP

ha. I don't remember about the toddler years, but this sounds true when they're pre-teens.

OP - have you thought of bringing them with you so that you are there on the toddlers birthday, and then have the celebration party when convenient later ?

tbh, I wouldn't see this as work problem.

GalwayGrrrrrl

When you have children and have to travel for work there will always be things to miss- over the past two weeks in our house we’ve got a birthday midweek , party at weekend, school show, graduation mass. I’ve missed occasional things due to my work travel but I tell my kids “I might miss the odd thing but if you want nice trainers, foreign holidays and x boxes that’s what needs to happen”. I know what kids ultimately need is love and attention (rather than consumables) but the occasional missed event in the interest of an overall nice life is worth it. I’m female if that makes any difference in this discussion.

tringle

As many others have said with work and kids pick your battles, some are more important than others. I've just spoken to a man who can't get a day off to attend his daughters wedding.

Toddlers don't know what day their birthday is so a few days either way won't matter
BUT (cr@p parent warning 1) try to remember what date the actual birthday is. One year we celebrated a day late to get a weekend day. Then for some reason assumed that was his birthday and celebrated it on the wrong day every year until he got a passport at 13....oops we realised for 10 years we had the wrong date, he was a day older than we thought.
Also don't make promises you can't keep. As ours for older they got to choose what they did, a party, a family day out, a trip...whatever.
So ( cr@p parent warning 2) at age 10 one of ours wanted a Chinese takeaway, it was Friday night and plan was her Dad was to get it on the way home from work. We checked and double checked with him that he would make it. By 11pm he still wasn't home and she went to bed crying. Next week she wrote how much she hated her Dad in her school diary. The teacher called me to check everything was OK. 20 years later she still doesnt trust his plans or timekeeping.

Tony EH

tringle wrote: »

As many others have said with work and kids pick your battles, some are more important than others. I've just spoken to a man who can't get a day off to attend his daughters wedding.

That man would be wise to leave that "job" as soon as he can.

Jasper79

Op here, so myself and Oh are moving birthday to week before I go, and I've agreed to do the 2 weeks. Since I've agreed though I feel sick to my stomach with guilt and fear of missing family(haven't done before) although maybe more a personal issue than work issue.

It doesn't help that there will be another 2 week visit before end of the year, and colleague has been told they don't have to attend.

skallywag

Jasper79 wrote: »

It doesn't help that there will be another 2 week visit before end of the year, and colleague has been told they don't have to attend.

Is there some particular reason that your colleague has been excused, while your attendance is mandatory?

Jasper79

skallywag wrote: »

Is there some particular reason that your colleague has been excused, while your attendance is mandatory?

On this occassion no, other than they had been also last year while I hadn't.

TopOfTheHill

I used to travel lot with work - still do quite a bit.

I missed my daughters birthday for 5 years in a row, nothing I could do about it, that was just the way the job was.

They get over it, and in the long run you have to pay the bills.
Although I still get a ribbing about my second family abroad

PlaneSpeeking

"Daddy why are we going to Buncrana in a tent instead of Disneyland this year ?"

"Well you see sweetheart, Daddy quit his job so that I could attend your birthday party and so we've much less money".

Kid is going to think that is idiotic!!!

Work is work, it provides for family - and yes occasionally it gets in the way. I was once given the morning off to attend my aunt/Godmother's funeral, but had a strict deadline when to be back.

P****d off ? Sure but they pay the rent.