should I feel upset about my in-laws doing this?

siara99

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

woodchuck

I think you're being overly sensitive. I imagine if you were there with him when he broke the news, they would have congratulated you too. Why didn't you go with him?

There might be bigger issues at play here... you say they never talk to you. Can you elaborate? Do they just not phone/message you or do they ignore you in person?

SusieBlue

Aren't you the person who was afraid to tell your co-workers that your 22 weeks pregnant, in case they try to force you to have an abortion?

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

I think you're being overly sensitive. I imagine if you were there with him when he broke the news, they would have congratulated you too. Why didn't you go with him?

There might be bigger issues at play here... you say they never talk to you. Can you elaborate? Do they just not phone/message you or do they ignore you in person?

I didn't go with him because I was still at work when he left the house.

I'm not sure if he went down there to specifically tell them or if it just came out when he was visiting.

They have not spoken to me whatsoever since Christmas day. Not one text, or PM at all since.

They don't ignore me in person but there are times when I am definitely left out of conversations.

siara99

SusieBlue wrote: »

Aren't you the person who was afraid to tell your co-workers that your 22 weeks pregnant, in case they try to force you to have an abortion?

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

Lori2018

siara99 wrote: »

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

Congratulations 😊.. I’m sure his family’s delight is for you both, however he is just the one at the receiving end.. don’t allow yourself to stress over what’s such a exciting time of you both!

woodchuck

I definitely think you're overreacting so. They have not done anything wrong. I've never been in the habit of contacting my siblings partners, but they're lovely people and happy to chat to them when they attend family events etc. Everyone feels left out of conversations at times e.g. if talking about an event you weren't at or extended family you haven't met.

Why are you trying to create so much drama around your pregnancy? First the thread about your colleagues in work, now this...

How are things with your husband? Were you ok with him telling them without you there or had you discussed telling them together? I get the feeling you may have some misdirected anger...

Doctors room ghost

siara99 wrote: »

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

Report it.a total bullsh1t post from a rebel without a cause

SusieBlue

siara99 wrote: »

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

Not at all, there seemed to be an ulterior motive in your last 2 threads which is why I wanted to make sure before I potentially wasted my time replying to this thread.

Anyway, I think you're overreacting. If you weren't close before this and things were strained anyway, I don't see how you now being pregnant would suddenly change that.
If anything I'd be annoyed if my in-laws were now being super nice to me.
It would feel forced and fake.

SusieBlue

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

Report it.a total bullsh1t post from a rebel without a cause

If that's supposed to be directed at me, you couldn't be more wrong, if you have a problem with me send a PM rather than derail the thread, thanks.

GingerLily

I think you should talk to you GP, you could be having issues with hormones that's causing you to have so much stress, three threads about your pregnancy in less then a week is not healthy, you need to look after yourself.

siara99

GingerLily wrote: »

Would your husband not prompt them to text you? Why didn't he share the news with you there? Something sounds off, your husband could definitely do more the bridge the gap if that's what you want.

Have you talked to him about this?

I'm afraid to bring this topic up because I don't want to get into an argument.

I have talked to him about them never contacting me in the past and he finds many excuses for them such as: they are busy, they have their own life, etc.

Well... I don't see how anyone could be too busy to send a PM a couple of times a year to keep in touch with someone which is all I am asking.

He said he's not willing to do anything to bridge the gap.

ceegee

siara99 wrote: »

I'm afraid to bring this topic up because I don't want to get into an argument.

I have talked to him about them never contacting me in the past and he finds many excuses for them such as: they are busy, they have their own life, etc.

Well... I don't see how anyone could be too busy to send a PM a couple of times a year to keep in touch with someone which is all I am asking.

He said he's not willing to do anything to bridge the gap.

Have you messaged them?

siara99

SusieBlue wrote: »

Not at all, there seemed to be an ulterior motive in your last 2 threads which is why I wanted to make sure before I potentially wasted my time replying to this thread.

Anyway, I think you're overreacting. If you weren't close before this and things were strained anyway, I don't see how you now being pregnant would suddenly change that.
If anything I'd be annoyed if my in-laws were now being super nice to me.
It would feel forced and fake.

I understand. I guess it's always kind of bothered me that I've never felt like a part of this family at all. It's actually kind of threatening to feel excluded from a group that my own children are even a part of and my husband is but I am not. I'm the odd one out and the only odd one out. It's unpleasant.

Out of my husband's siblings only 2 are married and the married couple is hardly ever around only at major events. The other couple is highly involved with her in-laws because the grandparents babysit etc.

siara99

ceegee wrote: »

Have you messaged them?

I have in the past just posted a happy birthday message on their Facebook. They do respond with a thank you.

I have also tried to PM them a couple of times but I have found that it hasn't helped much. A few of them were receptive to photos of their niece but not all of them were. It becomes very awkward.

eviltwin

siara99 wrote: »

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

can't blame Susie for asking. That thread also mentioned your pregnancy is quite advanced. How has no one noticed before now? Why are you only telling family now?

SusieBlue

siara99 wrote: »

I understand. I guess it's always kind of bothered me that I've never felt like a part of this family at all. It's actually kind of threatening to feel excluded from a group that my own children are even a part of and my husband is but I am not. I'm the odd one out and the only odd one out. It's unpleasant.

Out of my husband's siblings only 2 are married and the married couple is hardly ever around only at major events. The other couple is highly involved with her in-laws because the grandparents babysit etc.

I'm indifferent to my in-laws and they are indifferent to me.
No animosity, we just don't particularly get on and don't spend time together unless necessary.
If I found out I was pregnant right now and they started texting me wanting to be besties I'd be very unimpressed and wouldn't entertain it.

Why would you want a close relationship with people who are so cold to you and make you feel like an outsider?

bee06

I get on very well with my in-laws but we generally aren’t in contact. They contact my husband and my family contact me. I think you’re being over sensitive as well.

siara99

eviltwin wrote: »

can't blame Susie for asking. That thread also mentioned your pregnancy is quite advanced. How has no one noticed before now? Why are you only telling family now?

Yes, I am 23 weeks now. There was a death in my husband's family in May so we didn't want to tell them while they were grieving.

Also, we wanted to wait until the ultrasound to announce and I didn't have my ultrasound until 21 weeks.

I haven't seen any family members at all since Christmas.

woodchuck

siara99 wrote: »

I have talked to him about them never contacting me in the past and he finds many excuses for them such as: they are busy, they have their own life, etc.

They're not excuses though. I'm sure like everyone they are busy and do have their own lives.

siara99 wrote: »

Well... I don't see how anyone could be too busy to send a PM a couple of times a year to keep in touch with someone which is all I am asking.

How often do you meet up in person? If you visit them and they visit you, why the need for PMs in between...

I think you mentioned before that you're from Canada. How have you settled into life in Ireland? Do you have your own circle of friends?

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

They're not excuses though. I'm sure like everyone they are busy and do have their own lives.



How often do you meet up in person? If you visit them and they visit you, why the need for PMs in between...

I think you mentioned before that you're from Canada. How have you settled into life in Ireland? Do you have your own circle of friends?

I don't visit them and they don't visit me so there does need to be contact in between. I have not seen them in person since Christmas day. I guess they all have a car and I don't and they come into where we live to do shopping quite often so I don't know why they don't even drop by to see their niece once and a while.

No, I don't have a circle of friends. I have a few acquaintances and I'm friendly with some of my coworkers but we're not really friends. I can't afford to live in Dublin so I'm fairly limited in what I can do to make friends.

siara99

SusieBlue wrote: »

I'm indifferent to my in-laws and they are indifferent to me.
No animosity, we just don't particularly get on and don't spend time together unless necessary.
If I found out I was pregnant right now and they started texting me wanting to be besties I'd be very unimpressed and wouldn't entertain it.

Why would you want a close relationship with people who are so cold to you and make you feel like an outsider?

I guess you are right. I most likely don't want a relationship with them. It's just when stuff like this happens I feel like an outsider even within my own little family... My children and husband are a part of the clan and I'm not. I feel my role is diminished and maybe they would be more loyal to the clan than to me. It's hard to be on the outside of such a seemingly large, tight-nit group. I guess I see it as a threat. Not sure why.

lunamoon

I think I mentioned seeking help from a GP in your last thread and I will mention it again here. You are completely overreacting and you need to get some help. The world does not revolve around you and your pregnancy.

bee06

siara99 wrote: »

I guess they all have a car and I don't and they come into where we live to do shopping quite often so I don't know why they don't even drop by to see their niece once and a while.

Have you invited them. I wouldn’t feel comfortable just dropping by to anyone and I hate when people do it to me.

eviltwin

I think this could be a great opportunity to build a relationship with them. Babies are a great icebreaker but you are going to have to meet them halfway. You don't have to wait until they contact you, why don't you make the first move? Maybe organise a lunch or something for everyone to get together. Are there any other kids in the family or is this the first?

woodchuck

siara99 wrote: »

I don't visit them and they don't visit me so there does need to be contact in between. I have not seen them in person since Christmas day.

I assume your husband has visited them since Christmas though? I know for the recent example you gave, you said he went to see them while you were still in work. Talk to him and let him know that you'd like to go with him the next time he visits them.

You could also invite them over. Generally speaking, people don't like dropping by uninvited.

siara99 wrote: »

No, I don't have a circle of friends. I have a few acquaintances and I'm friendly with some of my coworkers but we're not really friends. I can't afford to live in Dublin so I'm fairly limited in what I can do to make friends.

This is probably the root cause of everything. You don't sound happy at all in your posts and I'm guessing this is the reason why. If you had your own circle of friends, you wouldn't care whether or not your in-laws were PMing you.

I can't give you any specific advice about making friends, but I'm sure there have been loads of similar threads here in the past if you do a search. I really do think this would help your situation a lot. Maybe you could consider counselling too? You really need to address the underlying issues here, not place blame where it doesn't belong (your in-laws and work colleagues).

lunamoon

eviltwin wrote: »

I think this could be a great opportunity to build a relationship with them. Babies are a great icebreaker but you are going to have to meet them halfway. You don't have to wait until they contact you, why don't you make the first move? Maybe organise a lunch or something for everyone to get together. Are there any other kids in the family or is this the first?

The OP has another child already.

siara99

lunamoon wrote: »

The OP has another child already.

There are other kids but mine is 3 and all of them are 8+. There is one 6 year old but she always goes to her grandparent's house on the weekend.

My child's cousin has a baby aged 1 but there are grandparent issues there lol

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

I assume your husband has visited them since Christmas though? I know for the recent example you gave, you said he went to see them while you were still in work. Talk to him and let him know that you'd like to go with him the next time he visits them.

You could also invite them over. Generally speaking, people don't like dropping by uninvited.



This is probably the root cause of everything. You don't sound happy at all in your posts and I'm guessing this is the reason why. If you had your own circle of friends, you wouldn't care whether or not your in-laws were PMing you.

I can't give you any specific advice about making friends, but I'm sure there have been loads of similar threads here in the past if you do a search. I really do think this would help your situation a lot. Maybe you could consider counselling too? You really need to address the underlying issues here, not place blame where it doesn't belong (your in-laws and work colleagues).

I guess I used to go with him in the past and I didn't like it one bit. I don't enjoy their company and we have little in common it's so hard to get a conversation going.

There are other issues like they are extremely opinionated people and can be unreasonable. They are judgemental of me too - the amount of housework I may or may not be doing. They think that if you are not working up a sweat then you don't have a real job etc.

They used to drop in uninvited and I didn't like it. I told my husband about this and he HATED it. He said just dropping in is the 'Irish culture' and that I needed to adapt to that. :mad: He's INCREDIBLY defensive of his family. They haven't done it in a long time though.

I think it's not that I want a relationship with them in particular but it's my issue about being an outsider. An outsider in my own home and in my own family.

Yeah, getting friends could help but it seems impossible at the moment. Being pregnant, having a child already, commute, money etc. etc.

heretothere

Does your family live close by? I don't keep in touch with my fiances brothers and sisters but we get on very well when I do see them. I get on extremely well with his mother but I'd say about 90% of the 'effort' comes from me. I call into her on my way home from work.

As others have said people won't usually call around without being invited (really must do this more myself!). Do any of the others have kids? Could you invite them over for a tea party with your daughter? Or invite one/ two siblings at a time for dinner.

lunamoon

If you don't like them, don't like that they are opinionated etc, why do you care that they didn't text you?

siara99

lunamoon wrote: »

If you don't like them, don't like that they are opinionated etc, why do you care that they didn't text you?

I guess it's my issue of feeling like an outsider even within my own marriage and nuclear family whenever his family comes up.

woodchuck

OP... from your latest post, it sounds like you hate your in-laws. So why on earth do you care about whether or not they PM you?!

siara99 wrote: »

Yeah, getting friends could help but it seems impossible at the moment. Being pregnant, having a child already, commute, money etc. etc.

I'm not a mother, but surely there are mother and child groups you could get involved with when you're on maternity leave? You mentioned you already have a child. Do they have friends? Do you interact with their parents much?

I'm going to reiterate that I think you should get counselling.

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

Does your family live close by? I don't keep in touch with my fiances brothers and sisters but we get on very well when I do see them. I get on extremely well with his mother but I'd say about 90% of the 'effort' comes from me. I call into her on my way home from work.

As others have said people won't usually call around without being invited (really must do this more myself!). Do any of the others have kids? Could you invite them over for a tea party with your daughter? Or invite one/ two siblings at a time for dinner.

No, my family lives a 17 hour flight away :eek: but I'm not really close to them either.

The others do have kids but they are much older than my daughter. They are all ages 8 to 25. There is one that is aged 6 but she always goes to her grandparents house on the weekend.

LegacyUser

But why would they visit you if you already complained about them popping over unannounced? You want to be friends with them but that doesn't come across as particularly friendly. Even if its really inconvenient, you can politely rearrange to see them tomorrow or at the weekend or next weekend.
I think you are coming off very badly when you might not mean to. All these threads about your pregnancy, feeling scared your colleagues will push you into an abortion, wanting to be friends with the in laws but complaining about them, wanting them to care about you more without firstly earning their trust and respect - these are not attractive qualities in a person and you can't expect them to love you just because your partner does. You need to work on winning them over by being open, welcoming, friendly and making the first move. Or perhaps make some friends of your own so this doesn't affect you so much?

heretothere

It sounds like you want to be an outsider. From your last post I am presuming you are not originally from Ireland?

When you did move it sounds like they did make an effort for calling in etc. You could have been nicer about it, maybe 'I love you calling but could you send a quick text 1st'. I've moved to a rural area for my fiance, it's just presumed people will drop in unannounced. I never call his mam before popping in. It's just the way his family work, I think a lot of rural people operate that way. It's ok that you don't like it, I'm not saying you have to but if they made an effort, you rebuffed it what do you expect?

You also say you don't like them and you've stopped going to visit his family with him. You are making it clear to them that you do not want to be involved in their lives and they are respecting your decision. I don't blame him for being defensive of his family, they're his family. I bet he is probably defensive about you to them also though.

I'm not trying to be harsh but if you won't make an effort with them and have effectively rejected their efforts you are excluding yourself.

Edit - I have just seen that you have said you are not from Ireland. It's a long way to be from your home country.

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

It sounds like you want to be an outsider. From your last post I am presuming you are not originally from Ireland?

When you did move it sounds like they did make an effort for calling in etc. You could have been nicer about it, maybe 'I love you calling but could you send a quick text 1st'. I've moved to a rural area for my fiance, it's just presumed people will drop in unannounced. I never call his mam before popping in. It's just the way his family work, I think a lot of rural people operate that way. It's ok that you don't like it, I'm not saying you have to but if they made an effort, you rebuffed it what do you expect?

You also say you don't like them and you've stopped going to visit his family with him. You are making it clear to them that you do not want to be involved in their lives and they are respecting your decision. I don't blame him for being defensive of his family, they're his family. I bet he is probably defensive about you to them also though.

I'm not trying to be harsh but if you won't make an effort with them and have effectively rejected their efforts you are excluding yourself.

Edit - I have just seen that you have said you are not from Ireland. It's a long way to be from your home country.

I met them twice before we moved here and I thought they were nice. After moving here and spending more time with them I just felt that we had nothing in common and didn't really care for them after all. Some unpleasant traits like being very opinionated etc. They just aren't people that I would ever want to spend time with and not a family that I want to be a part of. The rural thing is just too much for me. If I had known about this I might not have moved but it's too late now - my husband refuses to relocate again.

I guess it's more my issue - like I fear that my husband and children might prefer to be a part of this clan rather than have our own nuclear unit. I'm not sure if he's defensive of me.

siara99

Kitlannigan wrote: »

But why would they visit you if you already complained about them popping over unannounced? You want to be friends with them but that doesn't come across as particularly friendly. Even if its really inconvenient, you can politely rearrange to see them tomorrow or at the weekend or next weekend.
I think you are coming off very badly when you might not mean to. All these threads about your pregnancy, feeling scared your colleagues will push you into an abortion, wanting to be friends with the in laws but complaining about them, wanting them to care about you more without firstly earning their trust and respect - these are not attractive qualities in a person and you can't expect them to love you just because your partner does. You need to work on winning them over by being open, welcoming, friendly and making the first move. Or perhaps make some friends of your own so this doesn't affect you so much?

I didn't say anything bad to them - I said it to my husband. He didn't talk to them about it either. No, I don't want to be friends with them. I've decided. But it's a threat to my marriage to be an outsider to this clan.

Loveinapril

I agree with Heretothere. You don't really seem to like them. You have nothing in common, think they are opinionated and didn't like when they dropped in unannounced so they stopped. Of course they don't want to make an effort with you! I have one sister in law who cannot hide her disconnect with my family, so we rarely see her and my brother, whereas my husband's sister has become a very good friend of mine. It is a fact of life that you get on better with some people than others. You definitely have insecurities if you feel like your husband and daughter are part of 'the clan' and you are not. You, your husband and daughter are a family. You sound quite isolated without friends and a supportive family. Have you considered therapy?

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

OP... from your latest post, it sounds like you hate your in-laws. So why on earth do you care about whether or not they PM you?!



I'm not a mother, but surely there are mother and child groups you could get involved with when you're on maternity leave? You mentioned you already have a child. Do they have friends? Do you interact with their parents much?

I'm going to reiterate that I think you should get counselling.

There might be stuff on mat leave that I can do but when I go back to work it's unlikely that I'll be able to continue. There aren't any groups on the weekend for parents in Wicklow.

I could try.

Neyite

You don't like them.
They don't like you.
You had a big bust up at Christmas with them and haven't seen them since - through your own choice here.
You've also said that you don't intend on going to them next Christmas either.


There was a bereavement last month in their family and you say you haven't seen them since Christmas so I take it then that you didn't call in, phone or text your sympathies or attend the funeral with the rest of the family?


But you want them to come flocking to congratulate you on your pregnancy?



Ask yourself why you expect more from your inlaws than you yourself are prepared to give them in return. You seem to be at odds with your inlaws, your colleagues, and don't seem to make friends easily - would you consider some counselling to figure out why this is? You are carrying around a lot of hurt and anger and that can't be the kind of life you want, can it?

heretothere

I'm not even making anywhere near the transition you are. I've moved from a mid-sized Irish town to a farm about 3 hrs from my home. It has been a huge adjustment. And it is really hard to make new friends. It takes a lot of time and effort. You will just have to make the effort if you want to be part of the community even when you are back at work

Are there other people in the locality from your home country? When I lived abroad, someone else in town being Irish was enough for a connection to be made.

What's your relationship with your husband like? Do ye spend evening together? Do things together as a family at weekends? Wicklow is a beautiful county, ye could head up the mountains. Go to the coast. Go to the strawberry festival in Wexford this summer. Just try to get out and do things.

I think you could make a better effort with his family. At least going with him when he goes to visit them. Are any of them throwing parties this summer?

Also agree that if you haven't seen any of them since Christmas, does this mean you did not go to the funeral? Or at least the wake? You fobbed them off too

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

I'm not even making anywhere near the transition you are. I've moved from a mid-sized Irish town to a farm about 3 hrs from my home. It has been a huge adjustment. And it is really hard to make new friends. It takes a lot of time and effort. You will just have to make the effort if you want to be part of the community even when you are back at work

Are there other people in the locality from your home country? When I lived abroad, someone else in town being Irish was enough for a connection to be made.

What's your relationship with your husband like? Do ye spend evening together? Do things together as a family at weekends? Wicklow is a beautiful county, ye could head up the mountains. Go to the coast. Go to the strawberry festival in Wexford this summer. Just try to get out and do things.

I think you could make a better effort with his family. At least going with him when he goes to visit them. Are any of them throwing parties this summer?

Also agree that if you haven't seen any of them since Christmas, does this mean you did not go to the funeral? Or at least the wake? You fobbed them off too

I did go to the funeral but there were a lot of people there. I mean probably 150+ people so I only briefly bumped into one of them. We also had to rush back to pick our daughter up. We didn't bring her to the funeral because we didn't think she'd be able to manage in the church for more than 5 mins. She's a fireball.

I also don't have a lot of spare time on my hands. I do 10 hr days. 8 hours at work and then the rest is commute time.

We don't have a car and can't afford one so we are quite limited in what we can do

I do see my husband and daughter in the evening but I am pretty tired so we just have dinner together and watch TV. On the weekend I usually spend time with my daughter since I only see her for a couple of hours in the evening.

The rural culture is just too much for me and I don't like it. No everyone is the same though. I don't want to adapt. I'm not interested in being like them. I'd probably like Dublin a lot more but I can't afford to pay 2k just on rent.

I don't think I can make effort with this family. It's just not for me. My husband is OK with it though. I guess I do feel insecure about my husband and daughter's loyalties.

heretothere

10 hrs isn't really that long. I'm guessing work 9am-5pm so you leave the house around 8am and get home around 6pm? That's a pretty standard working day for most people.

Were did ye live before ye got married? You said you had only visited his home/ family twice before hand so I'm guessing it was a short relationship?

You are limited without a car but it sounds like you are at least living in an area with public transport accessible to you as you are commuting to work. Could ye go places on the train?

If you don't want to make an effort with his family that is fine you don't have to but you can't get annoyed if they don't at the same time make an effort with you. Your husbands loyalty will remain with you and you should want your daughter to be integrated into his family, they are the only local family she will ever know. Just because you don't get along with the family does not mean they will 'blacken' your name around her. One of my SIL's in very very odd but I'd never treat her kids any different or wouldn't dream of saying anything bad about her to them.

You need to make some sort of an effort or else you are going to get very bitter over the next few years.

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

10 hrs isn't really that long. I'm guessing work 9am-5pm so you leave the house around 8am and get home around 6pm? That's a pretty standard working day for most people.

Were did ye live before ye got married? You said you had only visited his home/ family twice before hand so I'm guessing it was a short relationship?

You are limited without a car but it sounds like you are at least living in an area with public transport accessible to you as you are commuting to work. Could ye go places on the train?

If you don't want to make an effort with his family that is fine you don't have to but you can't get annoyed if they don't at the same time make an effort with you. Your husbands loyalty will remain with you and you should want your daughter to be integrated into his family, they are the only local family she will ever know. Just because you don't get along with the family does not mean they will 'blacken' your name around her. One of my SIL's in very very odd but I'd never treat her kids any different or wouldn't dream of saying anything bad about her to them.

You need to make some sort of an effort or else you are going to get very bitter over the next few years.

We lived in Canada and married there. My daughter was also born there. We were there for a few years before moving here. I didn't like the culture of the place I was living in but wasn't sure about moving here. It costs several thousands of dollars for 3 people to fly over to Ireland from British Columbia. :eek:

I don't know I don't think that they will deliberately blacken my name but I guess I feel that my daughter might just be naturally more drawn to other family members than to me. She is already more attached to her dad than to me. He is better with kids than I am but he had a head start while I am an only child. I guess I'm insecure about it and also about my marriage.

lawred2

siara99 wrote: »

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

Congrats on the pregnancy.

Can I give you a bit of advice? Stop stressing about shoite like this! You'll have enough to worry about bringing another life into this world without getting upset about stuff that does not matter.

Do you ever text your in laws out of interest?

witchgirl26

OP I have 2 sister in laws and lots of nieces and nephews and I don't think I've ever sent them a message congratulating them on their pregnancies. I've sent ones to my brothers and I've said congrats in person if they've been there when telling me. I love them both and get on great when we're together but wouldn't message them generally at all unless for something specific.

You're upset with them for not messaging you but you are the one saying that you don't think you can make an effort. If them being opinionated is the main problem then maybe you need to just accept that's who they are. Unless they are being offensive in their opinions, I wouldn't be over concerned about it.

Why do you feel insecure about your husband and daughter's loyalties? I don't understand that. Your husband will always have loyalty to his direct family but unless they are saying bad things about you to him, I wouldn't see this as a problem at all. His loyalty to them doesn't have to come into play at all if it's not affecting his loyalty to you.

I think it's quite telling that you say you don't want to adapt. Unfortunately you may have to reconsider that if you want to make things better for yourself. It's hard to be happy if you're refusing to adapt to where you are. There's no guarantee that you'd like Dublin more. Is there particular aspects of the rural culture that you don't like?

BettePorter

They used to visit but u didn't like that so now they don't and you have issue with that too.

They don't text you but you don't randomly text them either but that's okay?

They didn't congratulate you personally on your pregnancy but you didn't console with them personally at their loved ones death (you didn't want to tell them about baby whilst they grieving so it must have been a close enough family member) .

You seem to have an answer for everything but won't take any blame for your part in it?

You don't want to be friends with these ppl? So why take the hump that they feel the same ?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

woodchuck

Are you the same poster who refuses to go to their house at Christmas, yet begrudges your husband and child going over?

siara99 wrote: »

I guess it's more my issue - like I fear that my husband and children might prefer to be a part of this clan rather than have our own nuclear unit. I'm not sure if he's defensive of me.

This is a very warped way of viewing things. Your husband and children shouldn't have to choose between you and the rest of the extended family. This is a surefire way of driving your husband away.

Seriously, get some counselling.

Neyite

siara99 wrote: »

I did go to the funeral but there were a lot of people there. I mean probably 150+ people so I only briefly bumped into one of them. We also had to rush back to pick our daughter up. We didn't bring her to the funeral because we didn't think she'd be able to manage in the church for more than 5 mins. She's a fireball.

I also don't have a lot of spare time on my hands. I do 10 hr days. 8 hours at work and then the rest is commute time.

We don't have a car and can't afford one so we are quite limited in what we can do

I do see my husband and daughter in the evening but I am pretty tired so we just have dinner together and watch TV. On the weekend I usually spend time with my daughter since I only see her for a couple of hours in the evening.

The rural culture is just too much for me and I don't like it. No everyone is the same though. I don't want to adapt. I'm not interested in being like them. I'd probably like Dublin a lot more but I can't afford to pay 2k just on rent.

I don't think I can make effort with this family. It's just not for me. My husband is OK with it though. I guess I do feel insecure about my husband and daughter's loyalties.

Any chance it's your unhappiness with where you are living, the isolation, rural life that you are miserable with and projecting it onto in-laws?

It is possible to do stuff in rural areas though. I've a 40hr week and commute around 3 hrs daily so I'm gone from the house 12hrs a day, and we are very rural. I can appreciate that being pregnant and with another small child you'd be quite tired but maybe you can turn that around on your maternity leave, your public health clinic might run coffee mornings (mine did) where you can chat to other mums - I was just told about it during one of the home visits and it was really nice to meet up with other mums once a fortnight.

It's a pity you don't want anything to do with your in-laws because they would be invaluable in helping you settle in.