Advice / Thoughts. Rocky Road...

LegacyUser

Going to go unregistered for this one. I’m not looking for an answer, maybe advice from people who have been in similar scenarios.

Going out/living with a non-Irish lass. Been together for almost 2 years. Work is up and down for her, so much so that the only reason she is still in Ireland is because of me (well, that’s what she says). She doesn’t like it here, doesn’t like the weather, the food, the society, etc.

Work started to go bad for her in November 2016 and from that side, it's been a battle ever since, and I can understand if she just wanted to leave, as in her industry, chances of getting another job here are slim.

The lose plan is for us to move back to her country and try and make a go of it there, but that won’t be until later this year if things work out.

We argue. I don’t know what the average is amongst couples, but it might be every 3 weeks or so. Apparently I’m doing nothing to make her stay here enjoyable and the only reason she is here is because of me etc.

Fair enough. Maybe I’m not pulling my weight as much as I should be. But I often feel like it’s a losing battle seeing as she hates every other aspect of being in Ireland so anything I suggest sometimes doesn't work. Today, as she has no work and is off, refuses to go outside because she hates it here, but will then give out to me for not taking her anywhere on a weekend. I get the feeling that sometimes it's up to me to always make her happy or something. Maybe I just don't get it. I'm not saying I'm not the problem.

We don’t have sex. This is the main problem. It’s been over a year. I think there was maybe one attempt recently. This is the biggest issue. I’ve been to therapy anyway for depression in the last year, so I’ve had my own hangups to deal with. Maybe this has contributed to no intimacy. We hug and kiss, just no sex. Not sure if this is just an alarm bell that things have flickered out over time.

I mean, I like her. Do I love her? I’d say there are a few things to work through, but I am happy with her, so if love is being happy with someone, then that’s ok no? I don’t feel trapped. I guess she is the one who feels trapped.

Anyhow, I’m looking into solving the no sex thing, as it’s on me I think. I don’t know what my hangup is, but hope to solve it. It’s something that would need to be solved before going anywhere. (to her country).

But sometimes I feel that I should just call a halt to it, but think that is the easy option. That’s what I’ve done down through the years when things got tough, and I think that if we’re still hanging in there a year without sex, then something must be ok in the overall scheme of things….

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khaldrogo

ohdearohdear wrote:

We don’t have sex. This is the main problem. It’s been over a year. I think there was maybe one attempt recently. This is the biggest issue. I’ve been to therapy anyway for depression in the last year, so I’ve had my own hangups to deal with. Maybe this has contributed to no intimacy. We hug and kiss, just no sex. Not sure if this is just an alarm bell that things have flickered out over time.

Relationship is dead......move on

bottlebrush

If you move to her home country do you think that you will still be responsible for her happiness? Because that's the way it seems to be here. Why is she dependant upon you to take her away on a weekend? When you say that maybe you're not pulling your weight is it because you think you are not doing enough to keep her happy? As another poster said the relationship seems dead anyway . How was the relationship before her work situation changed? Do you think if you move to her home country and her work prospects improve that everything else will follow suit?

LegacyUser

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Can't really answer that. Just stopped. I get really awkward with sex at the best of times, always worrying if the other person is happy and satisfied, so much so that it becomes a bit annoying. I think it got awkward that way.
I've been with people in the past where I didn't really care about them, and the sex was good.
I suppose we left it slide and slide and slide until it's a massive elephant in the room and I'm afraid to even try again in case it's a disaster. But it's not healthy to be in a relationship and not be intimate.
Before I'd even consider packing a bag to go abroad, this needs to be tackled and put to bed, no pun intended....

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

If you move to her home country do you think that you will still be responsible for her happiness? Because that's the way it seems to be here. Why is she dependant upon you to take her away on a weekend? When you say that maybe you're not pulling your weight is it because you think you are not doing enough to keep her happy? As another poster said the relationship seems dead anyway . How was the relationship before her work situation changed? Do you think if you move to her home country and her work prospects improve that everything else will follow suit?

Well, when I said I wasn't responsible for her happiness, she said "well you're not making things any better". "A good boyfriend would take me here, and take me there etc". Maybe I'm not a good boyfried....
I don't think moving countries will solve or fix anything. Before the work situation changed, we weren't together that long, so I guess it was fine.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd run, not just because of the no sex thing but because of her attitude. What sort of utopia is she from that makes her hate Ireland? Her not going out today sounds more like a toddler throwing her toys out of the pram. Not the behaviour of a grown woman. She's probably one of those people who's always going to be negative and a pain in the rear to be around. Are you sure you're only sticking with her because you're afraid of another broken relationship?

LegacyUser

The relationship is only two years old and these are difficult issues. Your girlfriend is an adult who is responsible for making herself happy. She can choose to live where she wants, do what she wants, be with who she wants and she’s blaming you for her own choices. Thats very immature and unhealthy.
It would be more common for something like this to happen in a long term marriage that has fizzled out. If you’ve managed not to have sex with each other for a year the relationship is already over. Moving to another country with this girl is a terrible idea, these last two years have really been the testing it out phase and it hasn’t worked. Going your separate ways is the sane thing to do, it doesn’t make you a quitter!

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'd run, not just because of the no sex thing but because of her attitude. What sort of utopia is she from that makes her hate Ireland? Her not going out today sounds more like a toddler throwing her toys out of the pram. Not the behaviour of a grown woman. She's probably one of those people who's always going to be negative and a pain in the rear to be around. Are you sure you're only sticking with her because you're afraid of another broken relationship?

Well, she hung in here when she met me. I can empathise somewhat as I was in a relationship years ago with someone, living in a town I didn't want to be in.

zoobizoo

She doesn't like the food, weather or society ....

Fair enough.

But what does she like?

This type of negativity often is deeper rooted. So when you move to her country, there'll be lots of other things she won't like.

Maybe she won't like her family, or her old friends, or the bad job she gets or you....

Break up with her. Moving to her country will be a disaster for you

messy tessy

She refused to go outside on a day like today (the nicest day of the year!) because 'she hates it here' !!! Sorry OP but you have the patience of a saint if you are putting on with this nonsense. I appreciate work is tough but that doesn't give someone an excuse to be a miserable sod.

bottlebrush wrote: »

If you move to her home country do you think that you will still be responsible for her happiness? Because that's the way it seems to be here. Why is she dependant upon you to take her away on a weekend

Exactly this. This isn't a normal functioning relationship. I can't image moving country will change much tbh.

redfox123

Wow you have buried your head in the sand with this one, sorry. She's saying a good boyfriend should do this and that. But it doesn't even sound like you are boyfriend and girlfriend anyway? She hates everything here, you're not intimate (a year?!), you're not sure if you love her? Have you asked her if she wants to even have a physical relationship with you, you say you are awkward about it, how does she feel? I'm a bit stumped by the whole situation tbh. But for sure to move back to her country would be madness.

Big Bag of Chips

You're not doing enough to make her stay here enjoyable, yet she's only staying here because of you?

That makes no sense. If you're not that great, what's keeping her here? To be honest she sounds dodgy! You weren't together long when work started falling apart for her. She has mostly been unemployed for the time you are together. You're living together. Paying equal share of bills/rent/day-to-day living?

My reading of it is she's a bit of a princess who doesn't feel like she needs to contribute anything to a relationship but have her by do all the work. I get the feeling no matter how much you would ever do for her, it will never be enough. There will always be something you're not doing, or something she doesn't like. Negative people tend to not want to find joy/pleasure/fun in anything. Today was a beautiful day. Most of us had to work, inside! She has the opportunity to go anywhere, do anything today and she refused because she "hates the place".

The time has come to tell her to get over herself. She is making zero effort, and I would be absolutely certain, if you moved with her, you would still be the one making the effort and trying to make her happy. An impossible task.

LegacyUser

redfox123 wrote: »

Wow you have buried your head in the sand with this one, sorry. She's saying a good boyfriend should do this and that. But it doesn't even sound like you are boyfriend and girlfriend anyway? She hates everything here, you're not intimate (a year?!), you're not sure if you love her? Have you asked her if she wants to even have a physical relationship with you, you say you are awkward about it, how does she feel? I'm a bit stumped by the whole situation tbh. But for sure to move back to her country would be madness.

She does want a physical relationship but the problem lies with me. I don’t initiate things. I’m the one with the hangup over sex.

bottlebrush

If there is no sex and you are not being a 'good' boyfriend have you any ideas as to why she is still with you op?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're not doing enough to make her stay here enjoyable, yet she's only staying here because of you?

That makes no sense. If you're not that great, what's keeping her here? To be honest she sounds dodgy! You weren't together long when work started falling apart for her. She has mostly been unemployed for the time you are together. You're living together. Paying equal share of bills/rent/day-to-day living?

My reading of it is she's a bit of a princess who doesn't feel like she needs to contribute anything to a relationship but have her by do all the work. I get the feeling no matter how much you would ever do for her, it will never be enough. There will always be something you're not doing, or something she doesn't like. Negative people tend to not want to find joy/pleasure/fun in anything. Today was a beautiful day. Most of us had to work, inside! She has the opportunity to go anywhere, do anything today and she refused because she "hates the place".

The time has come to tell her to get over herself. She is making zero effort, and I would be absolutely certain, if you moved with her, you would still be the one making the effort and trying to make her happy. An impossible task.

She works. Her profession is relatively well paid so she can only work a few days a week and do ok but she’s here to earn money which is fair enough.
All rent and bills are split 50/50.
The reason she came to Ireland was for an original well paid job which turned into a nightmare. Boss was a c**t who settled out of court for harassment,

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

If there is no sex and you are not being a 'good' boyfriend have you any ideas as to why she is still with you op?

No idea !
Funnily enough she has told me she loves me ....

Ursus Horribilis

You've used the phrase "hanging in there" twice now. Is that as good as it gets?

To be honest I'd not be able to be friends with someone like her let alone date them. She's an emotional drain. Her excuses (which you're indulging) make no sense. That food one is ridiculous. These days there are shops and restaurants selling all sorts of food. Is that not good enough for Miss Princess? And why could she not go out today? The sun was shining, everywhere looked lovely, you could have gone to so many places. But no, miss sulky pants stayed indoors and presumably wished the rain was back again.

I'm not sure what you're getting from this relationship other than the comfort of being in one. We've established you're not having sex. That is the least of your problems from what I can see. It sounds like a one-sided, somewhat dysfunctional relationship. Still, of you choose to move countries don't say you weren't warned. You're getting a fairly unanimous reaction here.

osarusan

This guilt-trip that "I am only here in this place I hate because of you, therefore it is your job to entertain me and make me happy" would drive me round the bend.

LegacyUser

OP she is clearly unhappy but not willing to move home with nothing so has found herself a boyfriend to bring home with her. She's made you feel guilty by saying you are the only reason she has stayed in a place she hates. It's not a healthy relationship for either of you. I'd advise breaking up but if you really want to make it work suggest she go home by herself for a few months and you'll come stay for a long holiday a few months from now and see where you are both at then rather then you moving to another country and getting stuck there and unhappy

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LolaJJ

Look at the deterioration over the past 2 years...

Then use that to imagine where you'll both be in 5 years.

It's OK to still love and care about someone but sensibly agree that a relationship together doesn't work.

LegacyUser

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I've gone years without sex, sometimes a year, or 2 years at a time, though was always single at the time, and it never really bothered me. It's definitely more of an issue for her than it is for me. I mean, it's the biggest elephant in the room, and she would say during an argument "well, at least if you were f**king me, it wouldn't be so bad. I don't even have that..."

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power pants

Do you think she has had sex in the last year?

LegacyUser

power pants wrote: »

Do you think she has had sex in the last year?

No. I am absolutely certain of that. 100%. We spend pretty much all of our time together.

Sleepy

Either head to relationship counselling or break up and get some counselling about your anxiety surrounding sex OP.

Wesser

He says he hasn't addressed it as he isn't too bothered.

zoobizoo

Do you ever think that the reason you aren't having sex with her is because she's not a particularly nice or understanding person?


When you meet someone with a bit more kindness, you'll see the difference in yourself.

Daisy78

The lack of sex is the least of your worries to be honest. She sounds like a spoilt brat. Do you even like the woman? Has she any redeeming qualities at all? Is it a case of she looks good on your arm but there is no personality to back it up?

lulu1

OP this girl will never be happy she is going to nag moan and complain about everything.

No way dont move to her country she will never change and might make your life twice as miserable