Overbearing Mother in law

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.
I've been with my partner for just over 3 years, living together a year and a half. We are renting our home from his parents, who are also his employers.

Its worth noting that for reasons I genuinely can't comprehend, his parents have never liked me.
In fairness, they seem to hate pretty much everyone, they also have issues with their other kids husbands/wives, so I never took it personally.
But on the infrequent occasions I'd be in their company over the years, they have always been very cold to me.

Anyway, our rent is always paid on time, we haven't asked them for anything and haven't given them any trouble since we moved in.

The other day, while my partner and myself were at work, my mother in law let herself into our house unbeknownst to us and had a look around.
We had no idea she was doing this.
I'm a very neat person, so the house was clean and tidy, but obviously lived in, seeing as we hadn't been expecting her to call.

She went absolutely ballistic over the state of the house.
She visited my partner at work, and lost the head at him completely. She said I wasn't looking after the house and we have no respect and that we need to improve our cleaning standards. That it isn't good enough and she's so disappointed we're living in such "conditions".

Her complaints were that the oven wasn't clean, there was soap scum marks on the glass cubicle in the shower, and there was dust on some of the skirting boards.
I will admit to all these things being true, but its midweek, we both work.
The bathroom gets cleaned at the weekend.
I wasn't expecting someone to be inspecting the inside of my oven. And the skirting boards get done once a month.

My partner was annoyed at the intrusion but didn't confront her and apologised, and told her we'd get on top of it.
I was annoyed at this, but then he said she wanted to arrange a meeting to discuss a cleaning schedule with us.
I flipped the lid at that point and walked out.

I have never felt so disrespected in my life. I would admit it if the house was in a poor state, but it honestly wasn't.
And I didn't know she was going to be looking.
I said I wasn't going to be lectured to like a child and he could deal with it.
He understood my frustration but he still didn't stand up to her for us.

This woman lives alone with her husband and has a cleaner come in once a week, so her house is pristine at all times.
I just feel so belittled and disrespected and can't stand the thought of her talking about me in that way.
The most annoying part is that my partner, who never helps me with housework, spent all of yesterday cleaning the house, just because his mammy was mad.

I'm annoyed at what she did and said, and I'm annoyed at my partner for not standing up for us. But most of all I'm so hurt that she would treat me like this.
All morning I've been reconsidering my relationship.
I love him very much but I feel betrayed by his lack of backbone and I frankly want nothing to do with his parents ever again.
His parents clearly have a very low opinion of me and I don't know how we can come back from this. I feel sick to my stomach.

Any advice welcome, thanks in advance.

LegacyUser

is the rent below market rates for the area? If not then just move out and rent somewhere else cus honestly she's not going to change. As long as she's got the flat to hold over you she's got all the control. You can try explaining to her as a landlord she has no right to enter your home etc but she's likely not going to listen and I doubt your OH is willing to report her to the RTB

bertsmom

My only advice is move out asap. Don't look back! Live your life with your partner but make it perfectly clear until such time as his mother's behaviour significantly improves towards you that you do not want her in your life.
Sum up... Move out and move on, sod her she sounds like an interfering old bat life's too short to be dealing with, best of luck op

facehugger99

Upset101 wrote: »

My partner was annoyed at the intrusion but didn't confront her and apologised, and told her we'd get on top of it.

TBH - I think this is a bigger problem than your MIL.

Your partner needs to grow a pair.

Rubberchikken

Shes your partners mother. Im guessing he's either used to her behaviour and knows nothing he says or does will change it or its the fact that she's his mother and he doesnt feel able to rip into her like he might be able to do to a landlord not related to him.

If you can afford it maybe its better if you look for accommodation elsewhere.
If she doesnt like her other kids partners she's probably just that type of person that will fond fault with everything. Nothing will change that.

You could speak with her about it but you risk forcing your partner to take sides and thats hardly fair in the circumstances

Neyite

I'd be reconsidering too - the gender stereotype foisted on you by both of them would sicken me. He's just proven to you that he does see mess and dirt, that he's well able to clean it up if he's motivated enough but chooses to leave it to you and sees it as your default role. Not an attractive quality there. But he sounds a bit terrified of his mother... are there toxic dynamics there perhaps?

If the relationship has to have any future, you both would need to rent somewhere that does not involve her at all. And ideally he would also need to get another job because chances are if MIL is happy to trample all over any privacy you'd have as her tenants, she will also do it with his employee status as well.

Maybe let him know that you want to chat about this - maybe at the weekend when you've both had time to have a think about how you feel about what happened. He's kind of caught up in it too with a domineering parent it can be very hard to see the light even as an adult, so maybe when he's had time to think it over as well he might regret jumping to attention and not standing up to her.

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This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

OP here - thanks for the replies thus far. They confirmed what I was already thinking.

His parents absolutely do control every aspect of his life.
They run a very successful business and never forget to remind him how lucky he was to walk into such a good job straight after college.

They are fully aware that he doesn't enjoy both the job & the industry but they don't care.
His inability to say no to them means they take advantage and he ends up doing all the cr*appy out of hours work, weekend work, and maintenance to the premises.

We were planning on emigrating to Canada two years ago and when they found out, they went nuts. They made his life hell, telling him they'd have to sell the business cause they wouldn't cope without him, that he was ungrateful for throwing away the opportunity they gave him and that he was selfish.
They offered him a promotion (in title, not pay grade) and the house as incentive if we stayed. So we did.

Since then he has learned that 4/5 other junior employees who would have less experience and qualifications than him are on significantly higher salaries with expenses (which he doesn't get). When he confronted his parents with this info, they told him that as he'll be inheriting the business, he'll reap the rewards in the future, and that at the moment, they can't afford to pay him any more than what they are.
They've since hired 2/3 more staff, yet won't increase his salary.

He is their son and running their business and is paid less with worse working hours/working conditions than his less superior colleagues.

His mam also seems to have an issue with my appearance. She is the type who gets a blowdry three times a week and looks perfect all the time.
I love makeup as much as the next woman, and wear it frequently, but if she sees me out and about without any she won't salute me and will ignore me.
I'm not joking. She actually does this quite regularly.

He knows and fully accepts that they are domineering bullies but won't confront them.
They hold his job, and now our house, over him and he bends into submission.

I know it probably sounds nasty of me but I never really cared until now - I knew he was unhappy in his job, but the fact that he's so unwilling to do anything to rock the boat is his own fault.

But now its effecting me, too, and coming between us in other ways, I'm having doubts.
I won't have her treat me like that, and he agrees its wrong, but then doesn't defend me. And that nearly hurts more.

I'm very confused and hurt, if this is how things are going to be, and there's no way to escape (because of his job) I don't see how this is going to work.

They are truly nasty people. I don't know how we could possibly cut them out of our lives. They won't allow it.

Neyite

Revive your idea of moving away. You are both miserable here. His job's going nowhere, and even the peace of your home is now invaded.



But this time, don't breathe a word until it's all in place. Then let them go nuts, you'll be too far away to care.

zoobizoo

"the fact that he's so unwilling to do anything to rock the boat is his own fault"


Your husband has been bullied and domineered all his life. He has never learned to stand up for himself and so wouldn't know how to stand up for you either.

It's not his fault that they are as bullying as they are.

I would advise revisiting your idea of moving away. You need a clean break from them for the sake of your relationship.

No amount of cheap rent is worth that in your life.

fineso.mom

Neyite wrote: »

Revive your idea of moving away. You are both miserable here. His job's going nowhere, and even the peace of your home is now invaded.



But this time, don't breathe a word until it's all in place. Then let them go nuts, you'll be too far away to care.

This ..100 times this. My daughter went to live 4000 miles away last year. I cried like a baby as soon as she turned a corner in the airport but not once in front of her. I didn't want to ruin her excitement in any way. Cos I want the best for her ,cos I'm her mother and that's my job. She absolutely loves her life now and that makes missing her bearable. Your mother in law sounds like a wagon.
Sort yourselves out visa wise etc and go. Be prepared to lose any deposit (if ye paid one),I wouldn't even look for it back. Pay the rent up to date, leave the place spotless and go.
You won't regret it and the ocean of separation might help your partner to get some courage. I know people with overbearing controlling parents and trust me, it's hard to stand up to them after a lifetime of being controlled.

You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life,do you really want to have these people in your family? If it was me I'd rather buy a mobile home and live in that than rent a house from a woman who held all the cards, life is too short

Katgurl

This is an absolute disaster on so many levels.

He is completely under their control. He needs to realise this and take steps to untangle himself. If he's not prepared to seriously consider it I would walk.

They sound utterly horrible. My ex had a similar situation with his parents and I found it untenable. They were warm people unlike your be inlaws but had extreme Catholic views and he used to make me hide any sexy lingerie or anything if we went on hols as they felt entitled to poke around the place. I could cope with that stuff just about. At one stage they were getting involved in their grandchild's unplanned pregnancy and trying to insist on an adoption against her (and her parents) wishes and my boyfriend thought this was reasonable as they were upset... Well I knew then their reach would always have too firm a grip.

One other thing - why on earth if you both work are you responsible for the house work? I believe you when you say the place was clean & tidy but even if it wasn't the absolute cheek of her to criticise you like that.

can't log in

can't log in wrote: »

You can try explaining to her as a landlord she has no right to enter your home etc but she's likely not going to listen and I doubt your OH is willing to report her to the RTB

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Just to highlight, unless the op's oh and his parents put in the effort to make this a very formal and documented rental situation then the op and her oh are almost certainly licensees of his parents and thus the MIL can come and go as she pleases without breaking any rules as there is no tenancy.

Unlike a renter renting from a LL which defaults to a tenancy a son renting from parents defaults to a licensee situation unless it is purposely and clearly defined as a lease etc. Now maybe this is the case but my guess is that it's an informal cash in hand situation between the op, her oh and his parents.

Ghekko

I'm a stay at home mum, kids in school and my house would be the same despite me having time to clean. It's normal. My cooker needs a clean. The shower doors are not gleaming and though I did a quick Hoover of skirting boards recently, it's not something I'd think to do unless I was having guests to stay (rare occasion). So don't think you have to have a spotless house or make excuses for why things were a little bit grubby. She's an absolute b*itch, end of! I couldn't be with someone who let family walk over them like that. How dare they take advantage in the workplace while others get paid more. The business will be feck all use to him by the time they pop their clogs as he'll be a shadow of a man from their bullying tactics. He's educated, has experience so even if ye just moved 100miles away I'd really consider cutting loose. They have way too much hold over your partner now and it's very unhealthy.

LaLa2004

Bear in mind that they are capable of screwing you both over in the future. There may be no inheritance. You can't live on half a promise.

Think 20 years down the line - is this where you want to be?

qwerty13

LaLa2004 wrote: »

Bear in mind that they are capable of screwing you both over in the future. There may be no inheritance. You can't live on half a promise.

Think 20 years down the line - is this where you want to be?

Cannot agree with this any more if I tried! They’re downgrading him / paying him less, on the ‘hope’ of it all coming right in the future. So the parents are gaining a very low paid worker, who is taking responsibility for everything. They are gaining everything, and your BF is being treated like ****e.

Your mother in law behaves like a dragon. I’d make it my priority to get the hell away from her. Your BF is not covering himself in glory though. Has he potential to recover from so many red flags? Is he that cowed by his parents? Will he ever stand up for your relationship?

Paddy Cow

Upset 101 wrote: »

She is the type who gets a blowdry three times a week and looks perfect all the time.

She can get her hair done three times a week but can't afford to pay her son his appropriate pay grade? :rolleyes: She has absolutely no respect for her son and you are just about tolerated. You both need to get as far away as you can. If your partner won't/can't see sense and leave with you, then go it alone. Can you imagine what it would be like planning a wedding/having kids when his parents dictate all his decisions for the both of you? You'd have no peace and would end up resenting him and breaking up anyways. At least you don't have too many ties to him now.

By the way, I don't think the parents will give him the business. They are a pair of cold hearted narcissists and I bet when they decide to retire, they will sell the business and pocket the money for themselves.

ManOfMystery

What a lovely set of in-laws to have.

Your partner's parents are clearly the main source of the problem here.

But he is also part of the problem. He is unable to resolve this situation or implement a clear solution - which is to stand up to them, rent somewhere else, get a job in an industry he actually likes. This could be due to as simple as a childhood fear of his parents hostility which he has carried into adulthood, or the more complicated notion of him trying to keep his actions on a very even keel for fear of losing this inheritance, which they're dangling over his head much like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey.

He is the key to this situation. He needs to have a long and hard think about his future. Letting go of this desire to hold on to his promised inheritance would probably allow him a lot of liberty and freedom to behave in a more assertive manner with his parents. He should maybe also consider some counselling or self-help courses on actually being more assertive and not still feel like a 5yr old being chided by his parents - he's a grown man now, and his priority should be your well-being and not their pacification.

 I've a feeling the inheritance would never materialise anyway, narcissistic vampires like these two have an annoying habit of continuing their behaviour and greed well into old age so your partner could be well into his 50s or 60s before he sees a penny anyway, if at all.

I'm fortunate to have a good relationship with my folks, but they're also wealthy and run a successful business. Despite that, I've never taken a penny off them (in adulthood anyway!), work in a different industry and lived off my own wages since I moved out at 18. It gives you a great sense of independence and self-reliance to do things for yourself and not be waiting for a payout or a job from your family. and in an unfortunate circumstance like this where the family are toxic - it gives you freedom. All it takes is a change of mindset - your partner is living off a promise, nothing more.

Emme

Your MIL has a cleaner once a week to keep her house looking pristine. You both work, have no cleaner and she has the gall to go into your place unannounced, scrutinise the place and give your OH a hard time over things like soap on the shower door.

She has a blowdry 3 times a week to keep herself looking pristine and wears full make-up all the time. Good for her but you probably don't have the money for blowdries 3 times a week nor the time to wear full make-up all the time.

She and her husband pay your OH a low wage with an inheritance carrot dangling in front of him as justification. He will never get anything at all or at best until after they are gone. If he did get anything it wouldn't be worth the sacrifice he is making now and the inevitable toll it will take on his physical and mental health.

They constantly tell your OH how lucky he is to have walked into a good job in a family business while they pay him less than those at a lower grade, lumber him with all the donkey work nobody else will do and don't care that he hates the job.

Your partner wanted to emigrate to Canada with you 2 years ago but they went ballistic, browbeat him into staying with the promise of a house. What house? You pay rent for the house and your MIL can come in any time she wants, poke her nose in everywhere and complain about the state of the house when it isn't up to her hired cleaner standards. She knows she couldn't treat a tenant she got from the open market in such a way. So it's a win-win for her.

When your OH tried to strike out on his own they called him "selfish". This is a classic narcissistic tactic - guilt trips are especially effective on children who have known nothing else.

Your MIL is toxic and it is an extremely unhealthy environment for you both. If you're both young enough you both need to reconsider your plans to emigrate fast. If you stay and have children you will surely be trapped and they will be subject to the same abuse.

Your partner may need counselling as he has been browbeat and gaslit all his life by parents who are more than likely toxic and narcissistic. If he refuses to make changes you may need to tell him that it's a choice between his current life in the family business on his own or a future where he has a chance of doing a job he likes with you in his life.

LegacyUser

Wow, the replies to this have been alarmingly accurate. Seeing the reality of it all written down is really hard.
I can honestly say I don't disagree with a single point made.

At the start of this year, 4 of his close friends and their partners emigrated together. He was absolutely devastated as they have been friends since early childhood.
I really pushed for us to go too, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea. It wasn't even up for discussion.
He has been left pretty much isolated (apart from me) now that all his friends are gone, and he knows that, but he still is afraid to even talk to his parents about moving.

For what its worth, I think they'll end up selling and there'll be no inheritance.

I want to talk to him about emigrating again, but don't know how to broach it.
He just shuts down.
I'll suggest counselling to him, but I doubt he'll go.
He broke down a couple of months ago, crying, saying he was so depressed and didn't see how he'd ever feel happy again.
The next day he pretended it never happened and refused to discuss it.
We're both only 27.

Its only writing it all down and seeing replies that is making me see I have a bigger problem than his stupid mother.
If he refuses to move away, I really don't know what we're going to do.

EmmaH1997

your mil is a ****ing nightmare. I wonder about the fil but he's probably similar to her.
I understand your frustration but your husband really can't be blamed for his weakness regarding his parents - this emotional weakness has been well drilled into him throughout his whole life. its sad tbh. its unthinkable for most of us (I would hope).

I agree that Canada might be a solution for freedom for you two.
Are there other siblings ? Your husband is their scapegoat so I'm just thinking is there some golden child that they lavish praise on? They really have their claws dug into your OH.

I watch these narc videos on youtube about people escaping their narcissistic families and going no contact which might help your husband but tbh it has to be his decision, not one you make for him. I doubt he wants to lose you and maybe you can nudge him towards this by getting him to watch or something?

Good luck with that bitch tho! She doesn't even realise she's a wagon - she really believes she has the right to walk into your house that you pay rent for and have a wander through it. that's a real sign of a narc - always justified in their bs reasoning

Neyite

Read up on toxic parents - there's a book series by Susan Forward that lots have found helpful.


He is a bit brainwashed by them at the moment but with time and effort he can overcome that. If you love him and think your relationship could be good away from their influence then start reading up on toxic parents and see if he's willing to get some counselling.

Emme

Upset101 wrote: »

We're both only 27.

At least you are both young enough to emigrate still but you have limited time. Emigration is the ONLY way your partner will get to live a normal life. Emigration and NO CONTACT with his toxic parents.

Your partner is being abused emotionally and financially.

Your partner may be reluctant to go to counselling now but all is not lost. There are several facebook groups and online resources where you can get help. I would advise you both to check them out. Here is a webpage which might help:

http://narcissistschild.blogspot.ie/2017/02/trapped-in-f-o-g.html

If you plan to emigrate tell his parents NOTHING until the last minute. They sound like they would move heaven and earth to stop their scapegoat from getting away. Oh, that's another thing, check out "the scapegoat child". It might also help.

After he sees some of this he may be willing to go to counselling.

If he will do nothing to lift himself out of his frozen learned helplessness state you will have to give him an ultimatum, either he helps himself and makes plans to emigrate or you do so on your own.

Glass fused light

Your MIL lets herself in and then goes to her sons work to have a domestic.
He has less wage and more responsibility but should be feeling lucky that he got a great job out of college which includes all the crap work and unsocial hours.
He is not being trained in the financial side of the business but will have to take over "some" day.
Sadly he is being taken advantge of with no financial reward not even respect.

I suspect the lower wage acts as a trap to reduce his ability to build up a nest egg to move away or buy his own house. Ditto the house why would he need his own indepentant home when he will inherit the one he is in now.

Note legaly he also may be loosing out in the social welfare system as a child of a business owner and have little or no cover from social welfare payments.

Its all well to have the carrot at the end of the stick but if his parents are not prepared to stump up they can trap you both and force themselves into your lives.

His parents appear to undermine his feelings of selfworth and that not ever going to change.
The fact that he hates the job and had a breakdown but wont talk about it is very concerning as a it could indicate depression which if untreated could prove dangereous. If he feels that he will never be happy again whats his solution. If he wont go on his own, would he go to couples counciling. To improve your relationship and look at the (gender) expectation he has brought from his childhood.

The only real chance to change your relationship with his parents is to cut them out of his life until he is able to take control of how they treat him.

I would suggest small steps. Save like mad for a running away fund. Try a cheep holiday to where ever his friends have moved to see how it is paning out for them. Look at contacting inteo/job scheme/career guidence in your area to find out what companies run the back to work schemes and see if they will look at his cv and do interview technique with him. He probably doesnt recognise how much he has to offer a new employer. Get him to put feelers out through friends and the college for a new job.

Become more social and try to make new friends to 'subsitute' for the departed ones but aim that you both are moving on out of the area. Sell the advantage is that he learns from new business and can bring that back if his parents want to transfer the business at a later stage.

If he is not willing to try baby steps you need to assess your options and what you want out of life. We all grow in to some reflection of our parents can you live with the learned behaviours.

Ghekko

Let him read this thread. It might wake him up to the reality of his life and realise that he deserves a damn sight better.

FurBabyMomma

When we were in our early twenties, my now husband and I planned to go to Japan teaching English. My mother flipped when she found out. My parents had bought me a second hand car, which was very kind but I never asked for it. It was then used to guilt me to stay at home as how dare I go away when the car would "sit depreciating in the driveway".

To this day, we both regret not having had that adventure in our lives. However, it's very hard to stand up for yourself after a lifetime of capitulating to an overbearing parent. My life has since become a lot better, as I've grown a backbone and learned that I am the one who has ultimate say over what happens in my life.

Btw a bit off-topic but if you're ever planning on having kids, trust me things will get a whole lot worse and the mil will likely launch a big offensive to reassert her authority over her son and grandkids. I really had to put the foot down and create boundaries for the sake of my children.

valoren

The mother might also be using her little foray into your house as a provocation. With narcissistic, toxic people like that they will continually provoke a reaction from you by being intolerable. You mentioned she blatantly blanks you, dislikes you. Interestingly, she chose to go ballistic at her son and not you. Her twisted agenda here being that this might provoke an argument between you and ultimately leading to a split/break up. It's completely over stepping the mark to enter your house, her treating you like crap wasn't having the desired impact, and she now needed to up the ante.

You see, you are an influence over their son that needs to be removed. You are clearly open to emigrating and thus you might convince their underpaid, hoodwinked lackey to quit and (shock horror) make a life of your own together. The idea of being independent, or just the prospect of that is always a trigger for disgraceful behavior from toxic people.

To that end, her plan appears to be proceeding along very nicely as you mentioned that you're seriously considering your future together. The toxic trap of the mother is that if you did walk, then she, the land lord, will then 'charitably' reduce his rent for the immediate future, she then becomes the hero of this toxic situation. Look at the positives here, you deal with toxic people by not dealing with them. Unfortunately, your partner is dealing with them everyday and is renting from them. It's not a case of cutting them out, he'd have no job if he did, so he is currently in limbo.

This experience will ultimately prove beneficial. You're both still young and my advice would be to read and understand the nature of people like his parents. You'll learn an awful lot. Don't be too hard on your partner, I'd say when he finds himself free, he'll be a different person in the best possible way for you. Any supportive, sound minded parents would love for him (and you) to go and get experiences, to become their own person. Those people are not like that. And to echo others above, they'll sell up the business in a few years time and he'll be getting sweet feck all from them.

TheFever

Haven't read any other replies. But run , as fast as you can , get out of there. If I were you I wouldn't speak to her again either. You don't need people like that in your life. Politely refuse any invitation. Also tell your husband to grow a set. Best of luck

Upset101

valoren wrote: »

The mother might also be using her little foray into your house as a provocation. With narcissistic, toxic people like that they will continually provoke a reaction from you by being intolerable. You mentioned she blatantly blanks you, dislikes you. Interestingly, she chose to go ballistic at her son and not you. Her twisted agenda here being that this might provoke an argument between you and ultimately leading to a split/break up. It's completely over stepping the mark to enter your house, her treating you like crap wasn't having the desired impact, and she now needed to up the ante.

You see, you are an influence over their son that needs to be removed. You are clearly open to emigrating and thus you might convince their underpaid, hoodwinked lackey to quit and (shock horror) make a life of your own together. The idea of being independent, or just the prospect of that is always a trigger for disgraceful behavior from toxic people.

To that end, her plan appears to be proceeding along very nicely as you mentioned that you're seriously considering your future together. The toxic trap of the mother is that if you did walk, then she, the land lord, will then 'charitably' reduce his rent for the immediate future, she then becomes the hero of this toxic situation. Look at the positives here, you deal with toxic people by not dealing with them. Unfortunately, your partner is dealing with them everyday and is renting from them. It's not a case of cutting them out, he'd have no job if he did, so he is currently in limbo.

This experience will ultimately prove beneficial. You're both still young and my advice would be to read and understand the nature of people like his parents. You'll learn an awful lot. Don't be too hard on your partner, I'd say when he finds himself free, he'll be a different person in the best possible way for you. Any supportive, sound minded parents would love for him (and you) to go and get experiences, to become their own person. Those people are not like that. And to echo others above, they'll sell up the business in a few years time and he'll be getting sweet feck all from them.

OP here, I made a shell account just to keep track of replies. Hope Mods don't mind - please delete if necessary. I'm here with an update.

Well, its safe to say the above quoted post predicted exactly what ended up happening.
Its actually crazy how fast your life can go down the sh*tter.
After the intrusion from MIL we made up, until a week later when she dropped in an electricity bill to the tune of €600 in arrears that she had conveniently avoided giving us for the last few months.
I bit my tongue, paid up, and said nothing. The bill was in her name and as far as I was aware we were up to date with payments.

We were due to go on a long awaited trip to this US this Autumn. It was his idea, but I was the one to push us to book it. So we booked in back in March.
The balance was due to be paid this week. I reminded him several times.
Then, just as I was heading to bed on Monday, I reminded him again and asked him to transfer his half of the costs into my account so I could make the payment.

He went quiet, and then said he didn't want to go. That he never wanted to go and he only agreed to book to avoid an argument with me. And that he wasn't giving his half cos he had no intention of going.
We were standing to lose the bones of €1k, he had never mentioned any doubts the last few months, so naturally I was very upset.

It lead to a discussion about our relationship in general.
Things have been very difficult the last few months. He has been physically and emotionally avoiding me in every sense.
He has been distant and cold.
He had assured me several times I wasn't the problem, and I know he has depression, and that he was deeply unhappy in other areas of his life, so as hurtful as it was, I tried not to take it personally and got on with it. I was as supportive as could be

I asked him did he want to stay together and he said yes, definitely. I asked him was he sure and he said the thought of splitting up had never even crossed his mind.
I asked him to swear it and he did. I then asked one more time was he sure, because he didn't sound certain.....and he said No, he actually wanted to break up. That he wants to be alone.
And that he doesn't love me any more. And that he had felt like that for a couple of weeks.

It was a complete 360 - as I said - I don't deny there were problems. But he had always assured me he was happy with me. He told me every day he loved me.
I thought we'd get through it.
At this point he was hysterical crying, he was extremely upset. He shut down communication. I made it clear that I thought we needed a break but that I wanted to work things out. I asked did that change his mind. He said no and refused to talk any further.

At this point it was about 2am, he offered to leave and sleep elsewhere. I said no. We both fell asleep crying, holding hands.

The next morning I said I was going to my parents and he asked when I was coming back for my stuff. To move out. He said he was going to start moving his own things out that day too.

There was no communication at all for the next few days.
I returned to start packing up my stuff today. He was in good form but once again, all but refused to speak to me.
I heard him on the phone to his friend laughing and joking. He didn't speak to me unless I spoke first.

I asked what the story with this months rent was...He said his parents don't want my half of the share, they just want me out of the house.
No shock there.
The tv & internet contract is in my name so I said I'd start proceedings to cancel, and it was at that point he asked me not to. Because he's not moving out.
Because mummy and daddy are going to let him live there rent free while he gets his life together. As predicted above, they swooped in to save the day.
So he has said he'll give me money every month to pay for it until the contract is up.

We've lost over 1k on this holiday, but that's the least of my worries.
I'm honestly numb with shock at what he did. I know it was a spineless, selfish thing to do but I can't help but feel he's having some sort of breakdown. I can't help but think his monster of a mother had an influence on this.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My head is saying cut your losses, but my heart is having none of it. I'm devastated. Any advice more than welcome.

bronte

My goodness, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The awful truth is that a lot of his depression may well stem from his parent's treatment. Scapegoats of narcissistic parents usually have to go through a kind of an epiphany where they wake up and accept reality and what their parents are really like. It's an incredibly painful thing to do but it's the only way the scapegoat can break free, move on and ultimately protect themselves.

He has a lot of work to do before he can ever be in a healthy relationship. He is still very much within his awful mother's grip. I know it's unlikely to make you feel better, but try not to take it personally. No matter what girlfriend he has, they'll be seen as a threat by the parents. There's a subreddit called "raised by narcissists" that may be able to offer constructive advice from people who deal with this kind of thing every day.

Please look after yourself, these people cause immense stress and misery.
It takes a while to recover from contact with one. Be kind to yourself.

NinetyTwoTeam

aw that's sh!te craic bloody hell!

BUT, while it's no doubt painful now really later on you will be glad that it went this way I think you would have been miserable long term just like him had you stayed with him (and her). There's no painless way to separate when you live together. And sometimes you are stuck living together when the relationship is for all intents and purposes over and the longer that goes on it's just more awful so sooner you get through it the better.

It's a shame you can't go on the trip tho. I'd have used the bloody ESB money for that and let the MIL swing for it but you sound too nice to do that!

Calhoun

OP your dealing with a boy not a man who cannot or does not want to cut the apron strings, while his parents aren't helping we ultimately are responsible for our own decisions.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and the being kind part is to both of you. If you continue like this your going to be very unhappy, as the domineering will ruin your relationship unless your ok with being under the thumb.

Don't settle for someone who puts your family unit second best to his relationship with his mother and father.

I'm really sorry to hear how you have been treated by someone who was supposed to love you and put you first. If it were me in your shoes I'd cancel the tv and internet and anything else in my name right away, why should you continue to facilitate this when you have moved out? Can you trust that he will continue payment until the contracts are up?

FurBabyMomma

OP I echo what others have said, unfortunately you are the loser in this twisted family web and have been treated very shabbily.

Regarding the bills, cancel everything that is in your name immediately. Let him deal with setting up new accounts. The holiday has already proven that he cannot be trusted to pay his half (the decent thing for him to do would be to pay his half of what is owed now) and after the stress of the break up, the last thing you need is the added stress of having to chase him every month about bills in your name. Make a clean break, cut all ties so you can give yourself time to heal without being in contact with him.

splinter65

What a sad story. So sorry your heart is so sore today. Please believe me , in a very short period you will still be heart sore but you will be relieved that you have been spared years of misery with this horrible family and I’m including your ex in that.
What a dreadful woman and what an absolute **** her son is! You were never going to have a long term future with him, in actual fact he’s doing you a favor by dumping you like this.
Don’t be tempted if he comes crawling back in the next few weeks with promises of big changes.
He’s never going to change, he’s shown his true colors now and you need to get as far away from him and his mother as you can.
Try to get away with some friends for a quiet pampering weekend somewhere soon. You deserve it.

neonsofa

Op you will look back on this in a year or two and think thank God I dodged that bullet. You were living his life under the thumb of his mother. The two of you would never have had your freedom with things the way they were. Even if you cut ties you'd have always been the one who "ruined" their relationship and stole their son, rather than a woman who gave him his independence. He clearly doesn't want independence,he may hate his job etc but he's more than happy to remain under their roof knowing that it will damage any relationship with you and any possible future relationships. Honestly,you've got your freedom now,grab it with both hands and live life how you want to.

Any chance you can go on the holiday with someone else?

Glass fused light

I am sorry how things are turning out. It is very possible that he is having a breakdown but unfortunately there is only so much you can do to help him. He has to be willing to make the steps necessary to meet your offers. If he is locking down on his emotional responses and compartmentalising there will be little you can do the choice has to be his. The responsibility of the outcome of his choices are his too.

On the financial side i have to wonder why was the electrical bill still in his parents name it's not as if he was going to do a runner on family and even its in they name why was it being delivered to his parents house. To me this is more financial controlling behaviour, you are both adults and unless he has been financialy irresponsible in the past they should expect that you both can be trusted to pay the bills.

I would be looking to transfer the other account into his name or he pays for 100% of the bill upfront to the end of the contract not monthly payments and you write the provider and cancel the account at the end of the contract. Alternatively transfer the accounts to your parents or cancelling them. Don't leave a financial link that you have to deal with for months on end.
I would explain that the close out of the bills aren't not you closing off on from the personal relationship but just you being financially sensible and looking after yourself.

Upset101 wrote: »

He went quiet, and then said he didn't want to go. That he never wanted to go and he only agreed to book to avoid an argument with me. And that he wasn't giving his half cos he had no intention of going.
We were standing to lose the bones of €1k, he had never mentioned any doubts the last few months, so naturally I was very upset.

Has he paid for any of the holiday or is it just the balance that has not been paid? If you are down money he should make good any of his costs you can't recover.
If still possible rather than loose the money I would see if you can reorganise the holiday so it's just for you travelling, or would you be able to get a friend or family member who would travel with you? You may not feel like it now but it's something to look forward to and prehaps a way to accept that your relationship has changed.

Upset101 wrote: »

I asked what the story with this months rent was...He said his parents don't want my half of the share, they just want me out of the house.

You are lucky that you don't have childern as his parents would be happy to leave you homeless. If he is pushing the responsibility of your moving out onto his parents and not taking ownership I think that the breakup needs to be regareded as permanent from your side, and you need time out to accept and heal. He, not you, needs to make the effort recover from where you both are now if he wants to make your relationship work.

valoren

I am furious on your behalf OP. Her vendetta against you and your burgeoning relationship worked in the end.
Her withholding the utility bill of €600 was another example of her provocation.
You were supposed to explode, have a problem with it etc and then she could smear you as the **** stirring, trouble maker, falsely claiming that you shouted and screamed at her because since her deluded son wasn't witness to it, she can make up whatever she likes.

You reach a point where their behavior is actually that predictable.
That didn't work, you actually paid up in full, no questions asked despite her provocation.

Now suddenly your boyfriend has ended your relationship? And in the most cowardly way possible to boot.

"A break up never crossed my mind....eh...ok....I want to break up"
Codswallop. His mother knew you were the real deal. A loving, supportive, head strong partner for her son.

Just know one thing.

People like his mother wouldn't do what they did against you unless you had something about you. You seem kind, generous, positive and genuine. Not that you knew it then but just by being who you are it placed a big target on your back. She knows her son is a complete and utter doormat, she realized you were not of the same ilk and thus you needed to be removed. You had back bone, your boyfriend didn't. You weren't someone she could cow into submission with her pathetic mind games and bullying.

Your boyfriend needed to step up but he's in a toxic cycle of abuse. She has him wrapped around her controlling, domineering finger.
He failed you and he let you go and has the audacity to place terms on contracts.
He also genuinely believes they are doing him a favor by cutting his rent. More fool him.
That is simply another means for her manipulate him with "all she has done for him" should he ever seek to extract himself from their control.

As a parting shot, perhaps link him this thread. If he does read this, I'd suggest he go do some reading and learn to think for himself because he just threw away a supportive, loving partner and has unwittingly enabled his mother into doing it again in future. People like that never change, it is fruitless to expect them to.

As much as it will pain you to move on, you take care of yourself as a priority.
Cancel all contracts, don't be a mug here and end up ultimately paying for his telly and broadband.
I'd reckon his parents are also the kind to send you threatening legal letters when it comes time for such bills to be paid, their feckless son having done a number on you.

So do yourself a favor and cut all ties, emotionally and financially.

He might come to understand his situation or he might not. Better for you to move on, than to wait around to find out.

Be thankful you've extracted yourself from this toxic, dangerous family and let them wallow in their own poison.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Neyite

You can't trust him any more. He screwed you over on the holiday money and I guarantee that he will screw you over on the bill money if you keep it in his name - even if he had intention of paying you, his mother will persuade him otherwise in order to get a final "I've won" kick in at you.


So, just cut him off with his internet or TV. You owe him nothing. Remember he's essentially made you homeless overnight and given no thought to you. Please trust me -you'll want to follow your heart on that but follow your head. I had exactly the same when I moved out overnight many years ago - I was all set to leave my laptop, my tv, things that I bought like tin openers and corkscrew or other basic household stuff so as not to inconvenience the guy who broke up with me in a very nasty way. It was my mother who defiantly loaded up her car with everything down to the last teaspoon I owned and I'm so glad she did. If you can't do it, ask a friend to help you with packing.



You will get through this - doesn't feel like it right now but you will.

K_P

I'm so so sorry, OP. You've gotten some excellent advice from people who unfortunately seem familiar with how these toxic family situations work and it's amazing the pattern they seem to follow. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear right now but I think this break-up is saving you from years and years of future pain dealing with his awful parents.

I do feel sorry for your boyfriend too as he's clearly so messed up from years of dealing with them. But you have to cut your losses here - I know you're in tremendous pain right now but he's given you huge freedom too. You're 27, you're so young. Travel, emigrate, change career, do whatever the hell you like. If you were with him, you'd be dealing with cleaning schedules and weekly inspections from your MIL, living in fear of the next trap she was about to spring on you. No way to live.

It will get better and you'll look back on this time with relief, I promise you.

Big Bag of Chips

God love him, he hasn't a clue. He will either end up single, living the life his mother lays out for him. Completely under her control. Or he will end up married to someone his mother chooses, completely under her control. Either way his life, choices, decisions will never be his own.

Cancel whatever accounts are in your name in that house and get out. He can always set up his own accounts again (or mammy can). If he's incapable.

The one thing you need to realise is this is not personal. His mother has behaved like this his entire life, probably even before he was born! She was like this before you, and she'll continue to be like it after you. It's a shame you found yourself caught up in it, but now you have the chance to break free from it. Something he probably will never do.

Ring today and cancel the accounts. If you don't I can guarantee you that you will end up paying those bills. Why should you do him a favour? He's not considering you at all.

TheBlock

Cancel all bills in your name. Travel/Go on a Holiday It'll do you the world of good And finally link him to this thread, so he can see that his behaviour and that of his parents is not the norm and is in fact going to cause him huge issues for the rest of his life. He may heed the advice of strangers if not of someone who loved him.

Someones gonna be lucky to meet you at some stage in the future.. you sound like a real gem.

Emme

OP follow your head. Cut your losses. Cancel anything that is in your name. You need to cut all ties, financial, physical, emotional. No contact with any of them. Narcissists love financial abuse so make sure ex MIL has no chance to do any more of that to you.

The only way your ex can have a normal life is to move away from his family, cut all ties and go no contact. He doesn't seem to be willing to do this even with the support of a partner. You can only save yourself in this situation so cut your losses and go travelling for a while if that is financially possible and you can get the time off work.

Paddy Cow

Upset101 wrote: »

I returned to start packing up my stuff today. He was in good form but once again, all but refused to speak to me.
I heard him on the phone to his friend laughing and joking. He didn't speak to me unless I spoke first.

I guarantee his good mood will not last long. He is a product of his parents and his own personality and has turned into a weak willed, easily lead doormat. He is happy now because he is temporarily the golden child. He has earned Mammies approval by giving you the heave-ho and for a short while, Mammy will lavish praise and positive rewards on him. This is to ensure he doesn't go back to you, the dirty femme fatale who might take him away from her.

Once Mammy is sure you are out of the picture, she will revert to form and start making his life hell again. She will crush his self-esteem and without you to turn to, his depression is going to spiral out of control. Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves, rather than individuals with a right to live their own lives. Your boyfriend has treated you horribly but I actually feel sorry for the sh!t storm that is coming his way.

You are well shot of this drama. Cancel the tv and internet so you can make a clean break. You are a normal, well rounded person and deserve to be with someone who is going to be your partner and treat you like one, not some man child who needs Mammy's approval for everything.

Big Bag of Chips

Actually Emme makes a good point, you for your own sake need to cut away from this, and them. By keeping accounts in your name all you would be doing is continuing to have to be in contact with him/them. The best advice after a break up is 'no contact' because it's too raw. It is so simple to set up your own account, people do it every day!

He's useless. He can't make a decision for himself. Now it seems even though he is breaking it off with you, he wants you to continue to 'mind' him.

Eff that...

facehugger99

You're better off out of it.

Cancel anything in your name and cut all contact.

He's a pathetic man-child.

Dixie Chick

God above, you poor thing. I can't anything to the above except to agree that you need to cancel the contracts or get them all switched to his name or bank number is that is an option as otherwise it will keep the contact with these people open.

You must be devastated but it does seem like there were longer ongoing problems before the MIL came and looked at your house. There would be no winning, or making someone like that see sense . She is a weapon.

SirChenjin

Just to echo what many others have said - I'm so sorry things turned out like this, and naturally you feel devastated right now.

In time you will be glad, I know it doesn't feel like that now. In god knows how many years time, his parents will still be running the business, and chances are, he will still be there, over worked and underpaid, and running around to their bidding. They could well sell the business when they decide they have had enough. He is foolish to be hanging on for a future that most likely will never happen.

If you can , at all, try to salvage something from the holiday. Maybe you could travel with a friend or something. Cancel all contracts in your name this very day. Just do it.

Take care, and I promise, this too shall pass.

Purple Mountain

So sorry for your pain BUT you will see the light down the road when you meet a kind and loving partner who's family will respect and accept your boundaries. And until you meet him, keep walking away from the nasty mofos like this family.