Obese and at breaking point

LegacyUser

I can't break this fúcking thing. I keep trying, and it keeps breaking me. I've given up cigarettes, alcohol and all my other vices years and years ago and never took them again. But I am utterly tortured with this fúcking weight. For the entirety of my existence on this planet. I've never conquered it - and I'm now 45 years old with young children and a wife who need a healthy man exuding energy. I'm drained, every day. I've gone to a councillor whose sage advice actually was, 'You know how to lose that; just eat less'. That a trained councillor doesn't get the depth of this thing on my stupid thought process makes me despair more. I don't need sympathy. I need help from a serious person who understands how to unleash this stupidthink.

Amid all the chancers and parasites in the weight loss industry, is there any serious professional in this country who could help me to get on top of what, for me at this stage, is an addiction and mental illness tougher to conquer than alcohol or cigarettes? I don't need yet another general "councillor". I need somebody who truly understands obesity/overeating specifically and can therefore, for the first time in my life, truly help me to help myself. Please help.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

This is a medical issue and you will have to see your GP

There are surgical interventions but if it is an addiction you will need to see a cognitive behaviouralist

Once again your GP should be able to point you in the right direction.

And get a personal trainer. If you want to lose weight you absolutely have to start a regime of weightlifting to build muscle which will eat calories and cardio.

TheMilkyPirate

Preicleachán wrote: »

I've gone to a councillor whose sage advice actually was, 'You know how to lose that; just eat less'.

I'm not being smart but he isn't wrong is he?

You need to join a gym and change your whole lifestyle. You need to start lifting weights and you need to hire a personal trainer to motivate you. You also need to eat a lot less. Only you can help yourself with the addiction side of things but if you start doing what I've mentioned above you will start to see results and hopefully then a gym addiction will replace your food addiction.

Dakota Dan

The main person that can help you most is yourself.

B0jangles

You need to get in contact with a therapist who actually knows something about eating disorders. A councillor who thinks it is helpful to say 'eat less' is not that person, as you obviously know yourself.

Maybe get in contact with http://www.overeatersanonymous.ie - even if the group itself is not right for you, they would be the best informed about therapists who can actually help you.

It's a really tough issue and you have all my sympathy - at least alcoholics can completely avoid alcohol, Food addicts still have to eat.

For who think it's as simple as ' eat less!' Imagine being an addict who has to have 'just a little' of their problem substance every single day but not too much and you can never actually quit or completely avoid the substances that cause you so much pain.

Teyla Emmagan

You sound like you should start with your GP. You shouldn't feel so exhausted, that's not normal. Plenty of obese people are fit and healthy. Go in for a check up before you throw yourself into the gym and give yourself a heart attack.

What about motivation weight loss or one of those places that specialise in weight loss? Or if you were ready, the surgery is not that expensive and it does work. What don't you contact the bariatric clinic in the Mater and see what they recommend. They might have a counsellor they could recommend if over eating is your problem.

GingerLily

Excellent advice from the last two posters.
Good luck OP, I think if you follow the above advice you could have a good chance of success this time.

B0jangles

I just remembered that there's also a weight management clinic that runs out of Loughlinstown hospital - http://weightmanagement.ie/ - I know someone who attends there and they seem pretty happy with the service. Even if it's not an option for you, they'd surely know of someone in your area that you could talk to

silverharp

Its going to be 80% diet 20% exercise but in saying that a gym and a trainer might be a good framework to hang it on and while a trainer might not be a qualified nutritionist, they will be able to give you a good steer due to their acquired knowledge.
Somehow you have to turn it around into something you would be excited about achieving , whether its losing weight directly or something you might like to do but never thought you would be able to like run marathon or whatever.
As for diet advice , every diet will work initially , its a case of finding something that works for you but you can help the process by maybe getting involved with the cooking of what you eat.

Xterminator

i dont think it would be considered helpful to advise a junkie to just take less drugs & so it may not be of great help to advise Op to eat less. He may or may have an addiction issue but sure are hell does not possess the tools to help himself.

OP you should go to your GP and join your local weightwatchers. Starting today you should keep a food journal and write down every single thing you eat. You can bring journal to GP and that will be a good starting point.

I advise weight watchers for both the motivation and education they provide.

LegacyUser

Hi OP you are going to be flooded with a lot of the same advice which usually boils down to whats already been said to you - eat less work out more. It's the go to advice because at the base level it's correct but it's not actually that helpful. I know I've been there. Everyone is different yet when it comes to weight loss we are obsessed with this notion of everyone fits in the same box and there seems to be this notion that if you dare offer advice outside of the eat less box you are some how excusing people for being overweight. It's not just how much you are eating but what you are eating when you are eating how much sleep you are getting etc etc

I understand the general public given general advice but I'm surprised at your councillor giving such advice. They should be working one on one with you so should know you and as such be able to tailor advice much better for you. My advice is change councillors talk to your GP and don't be afraid to keep looking until you find the person that works best for you. Personally I avoid groups like weight watchers as they push their own brand ready meals and have a very high return rate as people yo yo diet. They'll get the weight off you alright but they don't teach you how to keep it off and that really is the key. This shouldn't be about just loosing weight but making the right changes to alter your lifestyle for the long term.

My GP before they retired ran a great weight loss group - it included going with people to the supermarket and actually looking at labels in the store and talking about portion sizes with the stuff right in front of you rather then just showing pictures etc They also set up cooking classes which some thought was crazy - if your trying to loose weight you almost become afraid of food but taking cooking classes made people enjoy their food while making healthy food rather then reaching for package stuff. Due to the way our work lives have become a lot of people have forgot how to cook so you have a lot of package meals or reheating rather than cooking. It's also a great activity to do with your wife and kids. I was overweight and I got into spices and rubs and got a slowcooker and I was making these amazing meals and felt I was eating richer food then before when I lived on low fat diet meals but I lost tons of weight because I was eating better quality food I was spending time making the food which was both enjoyable and a bit of exercise and I ate a lot less because it wasn't just empty carbs or tasteless microwave rubbish that left me hungry again an hour later. I also saved money.

Talk to your wife OP...make sure you aren't trying to pretend to be happy while dealing with this by yourself. Tell her you want to make changes and you need her support.

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Whispered

I know a gentleman who has struggled with his weight for years. For various reasons. He's having great success with slimming world.
I went once and found the meeting a little cultish and some of the advice dubious at best. In saying that, many people have great success with it and the one good thing they have going for them in my view is their support system. It might be a good place to start.

I personally find keeping a food diary excellent for weight loss and for seeing where my problems are.

Maybe a therapist with experience working with eating disorders combined with a group like slimming world?

cazzer22

Whispered wrote: »

I know a gentleman who has struggled with his weight for years. For various reasons. He's having great success with slimming world.
I went once and found the meeting a little cultish and some of the advice dubious at best. In saying that, many people have great success with it and the one good thing they have going for them in my view is their support system. It might be a good place to start.

I personally find keeping a food diary excellent for weight loss and for seeing where my problems are.

Maybe a therapist with experience working with eating disorders combined with a group like slimming world?

I was a complete emotional eater. Bad day= bad food. I also did little or no exercise. When I did do exercise, I would reward myself with bad things which obviously counteracted the progress.
I have to say that I found great success with Slimming World. I joined in May 2016 and I've lost over four stone. I kept it all off through a combination of mindful eating/slimming world plan. I started Parkrun in Jan 2017 and haven't looked back. I started out not being able to run 100m and i've run two 10k races with no walking breaks. I've found a new lease of life.
Honestly, you can do anything you put your mind to. Food diaries are a FANTASTIC start. Record everything you eat for a week and you'll be surprised at calories consumed. Even things like yogurts, sandwiches, processed foods are calorie ridden and you might not even realise. That's what got me. Not eating breakfast is also something that can be a bad habit and you get hungry mid-morning and snack on the wrong things.

LegacyUser

I know how you feel. I am obese too but I think I am finally turning a corner. I started seeing a counsellor this year for reasons I won't go into here. We are now getting to my emotional eating and how I view food. It is a toxic relationship and somewhere along the way I stopped thinking about nourishing my body. Instead I turned into a dustbin and have shoved no end of junk into it. It is a vicious circle. I feel miserable and ashamed of my obese body and I eat junk to ease the pain of that.

My counsellor is great and although it's still early days, I am not bingeing on crap the way I had been. I also joined Slimming World and so far have lost half a stone. The group I joined are lovely and they have some really useful ideas that I want to try out. The basic idea of Slimming World (and other similar classes) is that you eat more good food and less of the bad stuff. I've managed to swap out some of the worst of what I was eating and am eating healthier. I don't know if I will ever be cured of my iffy relationship with food but if I can start eating better it will help.

I understand that the gastric band works for some people but I really don't want to go there myself. So I think going to the counsellor and to Slimming World might help me. I wish there was an easy way to lose weight but there really isn't.

Big Bag of Chips

A smoker can give up smoking, an alcoholic can give up drinking, or avoid situations where they would drink, someone with a food addiction, can't avoid food. You have to eat, every day, multiple times a day. You seem to have a much better understanding of this than the counsellor. I would agree with the advice to go to your GP. You have an addiction, and there is an emotional/psychological reason for that addiction. You cannot simply give up food. Your family need you. Breaking this addiction will be so hard, but it can be done. You will need a lot of help svc encouragement from those around you. Talk to your wife, and even ask her to come to the GP with you. She is going to be a central support in your recovery, you need to be as honest as possible with her about how deep into this you are.

I'd also suggest Slimming World. I have heard only positive things about them. But if you h ave a food addiction, you're going to need more than that.

cazzer22

I am not a robot wrote: »

I know how you feel. I am obese too but I think I am finally turning a corner. I started seeing a counsellor this year for reasons I won't go into here. We are now getting to my emotional eating and how I view food. It is a toxic relationship and somewhere along the way I stopped thinking about nourishing my body. Instead I turned into a dustbin and have shoved no end of junk into it. It is a vicious circle. I feel miserable and ashamed of my obese body and I eat junk to ease the pain of that.

My counsellor is great and although it's still early days, I am not bingeing on crap the way I had been. I also joined Slimming World and so far have lost half a stone. The group I joined are lovely and they have some really useful ideas that I want to try out. The basic idea of Slimming World (and other similar classes) is that you eat more good food and less of the bad stuff. I've managed to swap out some of the worst of what I was eating and am eating healthier. I don't know if I will ever be cured of my iffy relationship with food but if I can start eating better it will help.

I understand that the gastric band works for some people but I really don't want to go there myself. So I think going to the counsellor and to Slimming World might help me. I wish there was an easy way to lose weight but there really isn't.

It takes hard work and determination, but there's no better feeling than looking at your before photos and realising how great you look now compared to when you started. The only way is up. You get to a point where your habit and relationship with food change and you just won't let yourself go back to bad habits.

BelovedAunt

I can only speak for myself lads but I’ve found the keto diet incredible. I’ve tried everything in the past but this is the one I’ve stuck to more or less for the past year. I started at 114kg last year and I’m down to 105kg now. Still a good bit to lose but it’s a maintainable diet, which is the most important thing.

Check out the subreddit r/keto on Reddit. It’s excellent motivation.

Please ignore any advice advising diet and exercise. You know yourself you need a different kind of help.

You have an eating disorder. Contact http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/ asap. They will help you.

This is not your fault, but you can overcome it. Good luck!

heretothere

I highly recommend slimming world, pick up one their magazines on the way home from work tonight and read how well it has worked for so many people. People saying similar things to you that they were food addicts. What's great about slimming world is you can eat all around you they just teach you what you should and should be eating. It's a lifestyle not a diet. My aunt lost 6 stone on it about 10 years ago now and it's all still off her.

Today so far I've had two scrambled eggs, a big bowl of fresh fruit and I have a chicken stir fry and rice for lunch. The other girl in the office follows slimming world too, I've no idea how she's slim she's always eating lol.

I started classes in the local gym recently too, I can't tell you hope much it has improved my outlook. Don't feel worried about being bigger. In my classes there are the super fit, the super unfit, slim, over weight, very over weight, even more over weight, toned and the 'average' Joe. And do you know what we are all there for the same reason, to get fit, nobody judges you just tip along at your own pace pushing what is the limit for you.

GreeBo

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Please ignore any advice advising diet and exercise. You know yourself you need a different kind of help.

You have an eating disorder. Contact http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/ asap. They will help you.

This is not your fault, but you can overcome it. Good luck!

They dont need a different kind of help, they need additional help.

All the psychological help in the world isnt going to help an obese person lose weight if they dont address their diet and lack of exercise.

OP you need to get psychological help so that you are in a position to make the lifestyle changes.

GreeBo

GreeBo wrote: »

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Please ignore any advice advising diet and exercise. You know yourself you need a different kind of help.

You have an eating disorder. Contact http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/ asap. They will help you.

This is not your fault, but you can overcome it. Good luck!

They dont need a different kind of help, they need additional help.

All the psychological help in the world isnt going to help an obese person lose weight if they dont address their diet and lack of exercise.

OP you need to get psychological help so that you are in a position to make the lifestyle changes.

Spoken as a person who obviously has not had to recover from an eating disorder. I love how everyone's an expert on this topic and yet all they do is parrot the same advice over and over - which in case you hadn't noticed, doesn't work. Don't you think eating disorder clinics address diet? But diet is not the primary issue. If it was, the OP would have solved this a decade ago.

GreeBo

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Please ignore any advice advising diet and exercise

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Spoken as a person who obviously has not had to recover from an eating disorder. I love how everyone's an expert on this topic and yet all they do is parrot the same advice over and over - which in case you hadn't noticed, doesn't work. Don't you think eating disorder clinics address diet? But diet is not the primary issue. If it was, the OP would have solved this a decade ago.

LOL at the bolded section. Ignore everyone, but you yeah?

Telling an obese person to ignore advice on diet and exercise is ridiculous.
To your own point, eating disorder clinics are going to address diet and exercise, should they ignore them too?

I *CLEARLY* said they should get psychological help, but you have chosen to ignore that fact for some unknown reason. If thats what counts as "parroting the same advice" then I cant help your ignorance.

Look, at the end of the day you cant think yourself thin, you need to burn more calories and take in fewer. Some people need psychological help *before* they are able to address this themselves, but the bottom line is that at the end of it all changes in diet and exercise is what is required to lose weight.

Okay. Let me explain to you the first thing that happens when a person attends an eating disorder clinic. They are told to immediately cease all dieting. I was also told not to go to the gym, and only do exercise for pleasure, such as dancing or beach walks, until recovered.

Advice such as "join slimming world and go to the gym", however well meaning, feeds the eating disorder. It makes matters worse.

It does not work. If it did, why would the OP feel they were at breaking point?

lemontart

OP would you look into CBT to try to find out your triggers and put a stop to the unhealthy behaviours around food?
I am loathe to suggest any type of diet plan as to me they seem to encourage people to put all their value around what they weigh, I honestly think SW and WW and the likes are toxic.
All of us are valuable people regardless of our weight.
Best of luck x

silverharp

lemontart wrote: »

OP would you look into CBT to try to find out your triggers and put a stop to the unhealthy behaviours around food?
I am loathe to suggest any type of diet plan as to me they seem to encourage people to put all their value around what they weigh, I honestly think SW and WW and the likes are toxic.
All of us are valuable people regardless of our weight.
Best of luck x

that not really the point, its a health issue and he owes it to himself and his kids to be fit enough to to play a full role in parenting

Teyla Emmagan

silverharp wrote:

that not really the point, its a health issue and he owes it to himself and his kids to be fit enough to to play a full role in parenting

Yes, the OP is already and painfully aware of that. A bit less judgement might be useful here, not everything is black and white.

Ursus Horribilis

Why are Slimming World and Weight Watchers toxic? Both encourage people to eat more of the foods they should be eating and educate them on what is going to cause then to pile on the pounds. Regardless of what weight loss regime anyone goes on they're going to end up having to do much the same thing anyway. Bye bye pizza, beer and chocolate. Hello more fresh fruit, veg and lean meats.

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Ursus Horribilis

Regardless of what route the OP takes, he's going to have to stand on a scales and have a stranger record his weight.

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beertons

My weight has gone up and down more times than a yo-yo. Does your job have you sitting at a desk all day? Do you exercise? Do you binge eat?

I'm off the fags a few months too. One step at a time.

Ursus Horribilis

....... wrote: »

Thats not quite the same thing as a weigh in in front of a group.

What do you mean by that?

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Ursus Horribilis

Can you confirm that this is actually true?

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think the people who attend Slimming World etc are there to judge people who are overweight. They are all there because they all struggle with their weight and they all understand the struggle and the need to look for external help to get it under control. Have a chat with your GP to start with OP. They'll be best placed to advise you. But do involve your wife. She will want to support you.

stargazer 68

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Yes you do but no one hears what you weigh or what you have lost or gained unless the person is very loud which is rare. There is then a discussion in the group but you don't have to speak or have the Consultant say what your progress was this week if you don't want to.

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Ursus Horribilis

If people's weights were announced to a room full of strangers, it'd kill the business model straight away. It's also quite disturbing if it's true.

Whispered

....... wrote: »

Thats not quite the same thing as a weigh in in front of a group.

The group doesn't know what your weight is. It's done behind a screen as far as I know. Certainly was in the one group I went to.

The support in SW is fantastic. I know at least six lifelong overeaters who have done brilliantly on it. The diet itself isn't great, sweeteners, overly processed stuff is part of the diet. They sell their own range too. This was the main reason I didn't return. That a seeetned yoghurt with gelatine is considered more suitable than a handful of nuts for example didn't sit well with me.

On the plus side you're encouraged to examine not only what you eat but when, how you were feeling at the time and if you can identify the trigger. This and the fact you have someone you can text if you feel the need, other people on the same journey etc is why it works for so many people.

I'm watching a man I care about very much, who has never given himself any self care or time, who has an extremely complicated relationship with food and who would, literally, rather die than see an actual therapist, loose weight in a slow and steady way, gain confidence and begin to take more care of himself

lemontart

It's toxic, in my opinion because of how it over emphasises weight loss over everything else, I get it like, its a weight loss group but I just think its another stick to beat yourself with if you don't lose your number this week etc, the whole thing about like oh wow now that I'm thin I'm an amazing person and so on. I just can't bear it. That's just an opinion.


The OP is stuck, its not like anyone doesn't know to eat less and move more, but there's clearly something blocking them. The OP is well aware they need to lose weight but while SW & WW definitely works, in the short term anyway, I think actually tackling the behaviour around food through CBT or similar might be more helpful.

Whispered

lemontart wrote: »

The OP is stuck, its not like anyone doesn't know to eat less and move more, but there's clearly something blocking them. The OP is well aware they need to lose weight but while SW & WW definitely works, in the short term anyway, I think actually tackling the behaviour around food through CBT or similar might be more helpful.

I did not say that the OP needs to "eat less and move more", nor did I say he shouldn't get therapy. Actually that was another suggestion in my first post. I answered a question re slimming world weigh ins and gave my opinion that the support and self reflection (for want of a better term, I mean looking at why you eat in certain ways etc) aspect is more helpful than the diet itself.

Actually if you were to read my post fully I said the diet itself doesn't it well with me at all, which is why I attended only one meeting. I can't deny though that the groups have helped a fair few people I know personally (and I'm talking 5+ years here for some people). It's probably not the best way for the OP at the moment, IF he is willing to get therapy.

lemontart

Whispered I wasn't actually replying to you, it was more a general reply to those who were wondering what I saw as being toxic about SW and WW. Apologies if it seemed I was targeting you, I wasn't at all

GreeBo

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Okay. Let me explain to you the first thing that happens when a person attends an eating disorder clinic. They are told to immediately cease all dieting. I was also told not to go to the gym, and only do exercise for pleasure, such as dancing or beach walks, until recovered.

Advice such as "join slimming world and go to the gym", however well meaning, feeds the eating disorder. It makes matters worse.

It does not work. If it did, why would the OP feel they were at breaking point?

I'm not sure why you are continuing with this attack, but let me try once more.

I didnt ONCE tell the person to go on a diet.
I said their diet needs to be addressed, this is a fact.

There is a difference between "going on a diet" and "your diet". Your diet is what you typically eat, its not a set plan or routine.

I also didnt advise them to go to the gym.

You can keep ignoring the reality that to lose weight you need to consume fewer calories and burn more, it wont change the facts Im afraid.
Some people are not mentally strong enough to do this on their own, particularly if they are currently obese, thats why they will benefit from psychological help. It will enable them to find out why they keep eating more than they should even when they know its causing the problem. However eating too much is still the problem! Ultimately you treat that by eating less.

Im 100% sure the OP knows they need to exercise more and eat less, its not very complicated. They need someone to help them understand why they cant (currently) do this their own.

Weight watchers and Unislim etc are fine for people who don't have eating disorders.

I was never once weighed in the eating disorder clinic, for the record. Never once in years of treatment. Why? Because getting over disordered eating has nothing to do with weight. Weight resolves itself (either going up or down) when the eating disorder is eliminated.

blairbear

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Weight watchers and Unislim etc are fine for people who don't have eating disorders.

I was never once weighed in the eating disorder clinic, for the record. Never once in years of treatment. Why? Because getting over disordered eating has nothing to do with weight. Weight resolves itself (either going up or down) when the eating disorder is eliminated.

You're including patients with eating disorders there who have very low weight. I can assure you that these patients are weighed on every presentation and weight restoration needs to be prioritised at times.
Not all ED clinic experiences are equivalent to yours. The OP's diet needs to be addressed in tandem with any psychological issues. One cannot resolve without the other.

I only shared my own experience.

There is a culture wide insistence on weight focus which is not necessarily mirrored in treatment.

skallywag

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If people's weights were announced to a room full of strangers, it'd kill the business model straight away.

Most certainly.

Despite what some may think, Weight Watchers is nothing like some class of reality TV show with eagerly awaited public announcements on this week's losses or gains :rolleyes:

There is typically a period before the meeting proper begins when one gets on the scale. The group leader notes down the results, the weight itself is not even mentioned verbally usually. Some discussion may take place, but not within earshot of anyone else (if the leader has any cop on!).

cbyrd

We all know how to lose weight, it's not rocket science, but it's virtually impossible on your own unless you have the motivation and willpower of a demi-god. Find a group .. it could be weight watchers or slimming world or more personal like motivation which is one to one. Figure out why you eat, emotional, stress, boredom? Change your routine and stop focusing on what you think your wife wants. Figure out what you want.
This is a long haul, you didn't put weight on in 6 weeks and therefore you won't lose it in 6 weeks and this is often what stops us from being able to keep going. You eat well for a week and you haven't lost 3 stone, what's the point .. Lol, that's the stumbling block. Forget the gym for a few weeks. Get an eating plan in place that will work for you. Then introduce exercise.
I hope you find your willpower, sometimes it's only when we hit rock bottom that we figure out what needs to change, who knows, maybe you'll switch your addiction from food to exercise and planning meals and be a different person in a year.
I wish you all the luck in the world with it.

greentea is just wrong

Like a few have said above, I think the main way you will focus yourself to lose weight is to make goals, and then make them known to others which will in turn keep yourself accountable.

The best way to do the above, will of course be personal to you.

You could do this by joining a slimming club, getting a personal trainer, having a nutritionist. And with the support of them, set yourself some targets.

I find that if you have others know that you are trying to lose weight, and will be checking in with you regularly to see how you are getting on, this will keep you focused on the task much more.

Good Luck !