Broke up - destroyed by ex's silence afterwards

mrkilkenny2018

OK I feel pretty silly about posting this but the feelings are very real and very scary and I am struggling big time with my life and dealing with this right now.

This breakup I talk of below has me rocked to my core and is my first breakup from someone I wholeheartedly love.

I am a man in his late 30's. Was seeing this lady for 17 months. We live 1.5 hrs away from each other.

Around 4 months ago things were getting a bit routine in the relationship and there were some niggles and we had a few words (mainly concern for her health - not going to see a dr despite being ill at mine regularly).
Wasn't a row, but a disagreement - she left my house and apparently we broke up.
(neither of us phoned each other - she later said that as far as she was concerned that was us finished).

She totally ex-communicated me ...I was shocked by how much I actually missed her and made me realise what I had and didn't want to lose.
I persisted in trying to see if we could meet and patch things up - took her a long time to respond and she didn't really seem fully convinced.

We finally met and agreed to patch things up, But she now said she wanted a less full-on relationship, seeing each other every other weekend for a few hours. (rather than overnight stays). She even suggested me booking a hotel to allow us to be intimate (despite each of us having our own houses and spending time together in each previously).

The change in type of relationship she now wanted was due (apparently) to family issues (these are real) that have arisen since we initially split, but still was off for her to just suddenly go really frosty ?

I questioned whether she had gone off me or how could she just switch off from us like this.
She was previously full on, complaining we didn't spend enough time together - we were a full on loved up couple - it was brilliant.

When we met after the breakup for the first time (after agreeing to give it another go), she was very very amorous and very touchy feely and lots of kissing etc. I really felt the spark and really excited about giving it another go - and thought this could actually be a forever thing.

So I agreed to initially meet her every 2 weeks and go from there. We text and spoke quite a lot inbetween as usual (several times a day) - she said she was looking forward to seeing me at the weekend (this is now 3 months ago) ..and she had also suggested a change to the plan and for me to have an overnight stay at her house - all very positive.

So 3 days later, just before the weekend we were to meet again for the sleepover, she texted asking me to give her a call before setting off to see her .

I phoned her and she then said we want different things and she didn't want us to see each other anymore...but that she still loved me.

I was very much in shock and annoyed/angry that she could do that after very long discussions and commitments on giving it another go and so many positives from her that this was going to work - felt like she lead me on ..to just drop me.

I suggested in the breakup call that she mustn't be telling me the truth and asked her to be honest about why she REALLY wanted to split and I need to know.

The conversation went around the houses as I was so shocked..and she said she didn't want to meet to discuss. I really didn't want to hang up as I knew I prob wouldn't hear her voice again.

Not heard anything since at all from her - nothing.

About 2 weeks later (after the final breakup) I decided to write a letter to her - mainly to clear the air as I felt there was no closure and felt it was left on a sour note.

Wishing her well and apologising for not believing her on the phone/breakup call and more or less wishing her the best for the future and hope she finds what she is looking for, happiness and that the family issues resolved themselves and thanks for the many happy memories - and that hopefully we could be friends in the future when the dust settles.


I was completely floored by the breakup. I invested everything emotionally into the relationship and felt gutted in the extreme, but knew I just needed to get on with things/life and just ride it out - and things would get better, time heals etc - as per all the advice on breakups.


It did get easier but I was really struggling for first few weeks.

So fast forward, 3 months later - I felt ready so I went back out dating etc.
I have met a nice lady and I am now just getting to know her etc.
Having lots of fun and we are very compatible and can see a relationship brewing etc.

Then a few days ago..Despite unfriending my ex on facebook the day of breakup, I happened across a facebook post from my ex (to a man) and it has completely floored me again.

The horrible sickening feeling are now so much worse than it was before - feel like I've just split up again - but somehow worse - I guess I always thought there was a chance of reconciliation but it has now just dawned on me it is very likely I will never see this person (my ex) ever again - and it is crippling me with fear and sadness.

The worst thing is that my new relationship that is/was brewing, I have lost all interest immediately.
Its horrible for the new lady and for me - she has no idea as I haven't seen her since the latest.
I haven't done anything about this yet.


Me and ex didn't split on bad terms at all.
Despite her saying she still loved me and me wishing her well and me sending a really soppy and nice letter - sort of saying I accept and respect thats what she wants and good luck and thanks for all the memories - I got nothing back, not a text or an email or anything to say best wishes to me also - or thanks for the good times (of which we had many ...and rarely ever fell out).

I find this so hard to take, that a barrier has come down and just nothing - silence - cold - emptiness.

Why doesn't she care whether I'm ok or not ?
I'd give anything for a conversation with her just to find some underdstanding as to what has happened and why. Closure I guess.

I may be getting on in age (but very new at relationship breakups - as can be seen) but is that normal behaviour ? , for an ex to just not respond to any communication at all from me (the letter wasn't begging to get back together or anything) and to just close off completely ?

She has other ex's as facebook friends (which I always thought a bit odd) but I knew that would be too painful for me, so I bit the bullet and unfriended almost immediately after the breakup call.

I accept the relationship is no more and she was likely thinking about ending it long before I even realised (despite her saying during breakup call she wasn't).

We shared so much life changing stuff together on my side and hers. Our lives intertwined. knew each others kids etc... For it all to just end like that after a phone call and completely sever all ties whatsoever is really destroying me and is so brutal.

(The sick thing was I thought I was over her and moving on. Cleary I'm not!)

Any advice please ? (besides grow up ! lol) or idea why she is bahaving like that - or is it normal ?

Thanks.

2012paddy2012

Very detailed and very honest. Better to happen now only 17 months in...these are all natural emotions. You may be over thinking things. Move on don't let the past bring you down. You sound nice guy.. Her loss. Best of luck

Dog walker 1234

'Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince'

You sound like a kind, thoughtful person however you need to toughen up, move on and forget about the past. She has made her feelings quite clear. She has been harsh in the way she has treated you and she is not the person you thought she was. Don't let her rejection of you, define you. The heart takes time to heal, be kind to yourself.

Best of luck.

Vicxas

The first time you see your ex (in this case the FB post) can always floor you, as if you're almost cursing them for having a life after you. Been there.

It sounds to me like she was just stringing you along while she played another angle, sorry if that's hurtful but its how it looks from an outside perspective.

I would suggest you maybe should explain to this new woman that you're not ready as the last thing you would want is to drag her into your grieving process.

zapper55

I think you are looking at it all the wrong way. Instead of seeing it as cold perhaps she's trying to spare you the pain of contact as you are clearly still in love with her. I'm sure the letter probably cemented her decision to do this.

Mokuba

What did you want her to say? What was your intended outcome of this letter? For her to get back with you? Maybe she might have offered token sympathy - but why would you care?

She isn't interested for one reason or another. Talking it out isn't going to change that fact. She has let you down gently and moved on with her life.

It seems like she has done you a favour cutting contact. What good would being friends with her do you when you are like this over a facebook post?

Break ups are hard but you need to find a way to move on as it's not going to happen with this girl.

As for the new girl, if you aren't into her anymore, do her a favour and break up with her. She had nothing to do with the last breakup, don't string her along.

leggo

It sounds like you’re going through shock. That seems insignificant if you don’t understand it, but when you go through it you know it can affect your whole world. I remember I was with one girl a few months and it ended suddenly and out of the blue after seeming so right. Now I’ve dated a lot and would be a quite zen person so I can deal with break-ups well enough but this floored me and brought out a person I didn’t recognise. A few years later and I realise it was shock. A big change happening so unexpected with so little information to be able to process it, and I think the last part is what is getting you OP. You can’t understand why it happened or what you can do to stop feeling this way so how can you move on?

Since you’re not getting any answers from her, let me try speculate based on what you’ve said. For a start I got a bit queasy when she started mentioning changing the terms of the relationship, it was so specific with no overnight stays, getting a hotel etc...without any real reason to be. This makes me suspicious to be honest, and I wasn’t surprised when you said there was another guy. That mightn’t be what you want to hear but it’ll help you in the long term.

The truth is, whether that’s the case or not, how she’s treated you isn’t nice. It’s very easy to feel dumb or naive for believing she cared about you as you did her and then to treat you like this, but I try to look at liars as broken people who can’t live in a world of truth because they know it doesn’t suit them. It’s their problem, not yours. Perhaps the positive image of her was you projecting what you wanted her to be based on how good having someone made you feel. And, from that standpoint, things aren’t so bad. She isn’t the only woman on the planet. The good feelings didn’t necessarily come from her, they came from you having someone, which you can do again. She actually doesn’t matter in the grand scheme and you will be okay.

valoren

"she didn't want us to see each other anymore...but that she still loved me."

This is the part that stood out for me. Your ex is toying with you, manipulating you emotionally.
You come across as an empathetic guy and I'm sure you don't need to know why she doesn't want a relationship, you just want to understand why, so closure as you say. That explanation won't be forthcoming.

I wouldn't let the fact that your ex has moved on so easily overpower what appears to be a burgeoning relationship with your new partner.

Emme

I know it sounds funny but I feel most sorry for the OP's new girlfriend. Here he is obsessing over his ex who made it clear several times that she wasn't interested in meeting him again. 3 months after the break-up he had no trouble meeting somebody else again and maybe that's why he doesn't appreciate her.

OP I would advise you to finish with the new girlfriend and give her a chance to find somebody who will truly appreciate her. You need to take a break from dating, find an outside interest, give yourself a chance to get over your ex properly and broaden your social circle.

mrkilkenny2018

Hi,

OP here.
Thanks for responses - really appreciated - and I think it really has helped me get a bit of perspective and points of view.

Thanks for wading through all my waffle (....more below in response)


After 3 months post breakup my ex popped into my head only occasionally and I did think I was over her, but then after I saw the FB thing the whole breakup feelings came flooding back - sick feeling in stomach/palpatations etc.
I wouldn't have dreamt of starting to date if I was feeling like this.


I didn't write a letter to get back with her (although that could have been on option I would have considered back then).
I just wanted to wish her well and for my own sake and person that I am, not leave my negative words being the last thing I had said to her - it made me feel rotten after such a wonderful relationship that I had with her.

If my take on our relationship was correct and what we had, I'd have thought she'd have wanted to wish me well also or thank me for all the happy memories or at least acknowledge that she enjoyed our time together .......or at the very very least to wish me well also.

I care because its now making me doubt my happy memories and I get the vibe that she somehow hates me for something or I have misunderstood what we had.

Just think it would be civil thing to do, to even acknowledge that we had a relationship, its over, all the best type thing.

Yes it is totally unfair on my new lady friend and yes I do feel bad.
As I say when I started dating again I thought I was ready.
I was able and excited and we've had lots of fun getting to know each other and has been really excciting for both of us.
But this bolt from the blue has knocked me massively.
I just hope that the bolt will dissapear as quick as it came now !

Perhaps my ex is trying to spare me by not contacting me at all but I think its more for her own benefit - whatever her reasons are.

In hindsight I had noticed a change in her even before we broke-up but I thought that was just because we were both taking each other a bit for granted.
She was much cooler towards me and we weren't intimate for a few weekends beforehand as she was said she was 'sick'. UTI/Migraine (More Alarm Bells going off now !)
It was like she was shutting down from us for a while, almost preparing herself for the breakup.

I am starting to wonder whether she did have someone else on the go now or someone in mind - or had started online dating etc - or maybe just fed up/bored with the relationship.

I guess just knowing the truth would be nice and so much easier to deal with and understand and allow me to move on properly.
The unfortunate reality is that I will never really know.

On the breakup call I said, "look we are never prob going to speak to each other again, would you please just do me the favour of telling me the reason why you are breaking up, 3 days ago you were looking forward to me staying over and now you're breaking up ?".

I even said I'd underdstand if she had just gone off me or fallen out of love or found someone else - just tell me the truth.

She just maintained we want different things thats the reason for the breakup. ie I wanted the big full on relationship still and she now just wants a very casual thing and doesn't have time due to family situation (daughter an addict just out of rehab - although is even that true now ?!?).

It really is ringing alarm bells that maybe she was seeing someone else.
But then she was very very anti cheating and apparently showed up a guy she was starting to date (before me) when she found out he was actually engage - telling his wife-to-be etc. Again, I'm doubting this now also.

Another alarm bell was that she was constantly accusing me of hiding my phones, keeping them locked etc. I gave her the passwords and offered her to look through them whenever she wanted tho. I had nothing to hide.

I guess its the unknown of what has gone on is causing me to go a bit demented here.
It all doesn't stack up to me and I hate unsolved mysteries, aspecially ones that make me feel worse than sh*t.

I've asked myself the question, if she contacted me and said she wanted to give it another go, would I agree to it.
The answer would be a resounding 'no way'.

Firstly she has done this to me - getting us both (or probably just me?) excited about a relationship reboot, then dumping me 3 days later, when nothing has changed (my side anyway). It just seems like a really really cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly care about.
It is therefore very likely she would do it me again, given the chance, if she fancied a change again - and I wouldn't give her that chance.

And I am now with someone else and I was/am moving on.
I feel rotten about this sitiuation now with my new lady
I just hope that I'll snap out of it again. I'll meet her in next few days and see how things are.
Just wish I could make the sh!t feeling go away.

I prob should have gone through this in my teens - so I'd know how to handle, not now in my late 30's for goodness sake !

Thanks again for the wise words - really has helped me process this situation a bit more.

CobraClan

I feel for you mate! Something similar happened to me with my ex too. I knew things weren't going great between us at the time but I really wanted it to work. We were together 3 years. Things seemed to be getting better with us, the night before we broke up she stayed in mine, had a cosy night together, everything seemed great. Next evening she rings me wanting to end it, said we where dragging the relationship out, said I wasn't really into her anymore. I said we could take a break from each other for a few weeks but she said it was all or nothing so I said I'll take all, then we argued for a bit, her accusing me of this and me accusing her of that, can't even remember what! Anyway we decided to split for good, she didn't even want to stay friends because she didn't want to fall back with me, so that was it!

Over the next two weeks she rang me only twice, I was around in hers collecting some of my stuff but she wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even look me in the eye.

She said something to me about our relationship status on Facebook, so a few days later I changed mine to single. A week later she rang me and started giving me hell over changing my relationship status on Facebook, then she started accusing me of stalking her, I hadn't even rang her once since the day she announced the breakup! I didn't ague with her on the phone at all, I let her vent on me. Next thing she asked me if I would do a message for her, I was like to myself, she rings me giving me abuse, calling me a stalker then thinks I'm going to run around for her like some sort of sap! I just said to her, sorry I can't, I heading off for the weekend, actually I'm heading off now so don't have time, she just said ok by! And hung up the phone. I actually sat there thinking to myself, I'm never going to hear from her again, I had to stop myself from ringing her back and groveling to her.

That was nearly 5 years ago, and I never heard from her again. The thing about it was that I was still in love with her, my heart bleed for her every day, I missed her so much when she was gone and I still miss her now. Maybe I should of tried to call or sent her a message but at the end of the day she broke up with me so why should I have tried contacting her? I too felt like I didnt get any closure, she never really gave me a reason why she wanted to break up and wouldn't talk anymore about it after the split, guess I'll never know. But your best trying to move on with your life, keep on dating but its probably best not to get into a new relationship yet if you don't feel your properly over her.

Skibunny77

Op, you sound like a lovely, genuine person who has been badly hurt by someone he loved. Here's the thing - the reason she ended things isn't all that relevant - perhaps there was someone else on the scene, maybe she had become less attracted to you, maybe she had other things in life consuming her attention - regardless of what was going on in her life, it was clear that she didn't want you in it and that she didn't want to explain those reasons. I agree that she could have responded to those letters. I think in a similar situation, you would have. People show who they are in how they handle a relationship and a break up.
Your reaction to her Facebook post was normal, don't overthink it or jeopardise your new relationship. That reaction isn't love for her, it's hurt and pain and feeling disposable. Acknowledge that, write out your feelings and remember they are just feelings and don't override all the other feelings you have experienced about your new partner - enjoying her company, seeing a future etc. We are complex beings and one set of feelings don't trump another. Obviously be fair to your new partner but I think all you have described is very normal. Be present on your next date, this isn't a comparison game. See if when feeling vulnerable yourself, you can enjoy your partners company. It's a great sign if you can. Good luck -and remember these feelings are normal and will pass.

mrkilkenny2018

CobraClan, Thanks for sharing your story.
It helps me knowing its not just me.

3 years is a fair amount of time to be with someone - thats a lot of life shared - for that to happen.

Its is harsh what happened to you. Seems your ex was quite mixed up (e.g. the facebook relationship status/stalking accusation) and torn between what to do - then the phone calls asking you to do things? Like she was finding it really hard to deal with the breakup - not being able to look you in the eyes etc.

So that was 5 years ago and you're still feeling it ? Thats harsh man.
Did you start dating soon after the breakup or are you staying away for now ?
How long until you were able to start dating or relationship ?

Would you ever be tempted to contact her now or just say hi to see how things are going ?
You might get an insight into what the deal was regarding the breakup or have you got over needing to know so badly ?

I wonder if the people that just breakup after years of being together and intertwined in that persons life, and then disappear out of the other person's life, have ever had these feelings?.
Have they ever been on the otherside ?

I know after feeling this rotten, I could never do it to someone I am breaking up from and would be totally honest and if they wanted to discuss it (without giving any indication it was back on) then I would do that, to help them with deal with the breakup.

I understand that to keep contacting an ex on a regular basis is not good for anyone - and will just prolong recovery.

On the morning of breakup I was thinking I could possibly be with this person for the rest of my life and was so excited to be seeing her.
A few hours later phone call happens..... Told its over and that I'm never going to speak to or see that person again who I love.
Thats an incredibly hard situation for me to even write about.
Its brutal.

Leggo above has a very good point, it is probably shock I'm experiencing.

How at breakup can you just cut all contact forever when so much life, secrets, family situations, dreams, love, shared jokes, laughs, intimacy have been shared.
The person isn't dead.

I think I need to toughen up a bit and kiss a few frogs !

Keep reading that time heals.....i hope that's true.
If anyone has a time machine PM me !

mrkilkenny2018

Thanks Skibunny77 what you say has hit home with me big time.
Thank you for your kind and wise words.

I do feel very disposable (hurt and pain), given that it seemed to be so easy her my ex to dump, no real explanation (that made sense to me), then make zero contact. It makes me question the relationship as a whole - and that I might have totally misinterpreted what I thought we had together.

Anyway that is over now and you have given me an interesting perspective on my new partner - who I am very excited about and is going very well (...until I had this recent blip - but feeling like i can handle the situation a bit better now)
I will try to be fair to my new partner and have been very present so far. Never would i think about ex or feel sad whilst with her.


Thanks again.

woodchuck

OP breakups are hard. I'm not going to deny that and have been there myself.

However, I think you're overthinking this. You seem obsessed with finding a reason for the breakup. She already gave you one! Quite an honest reason, which is more than most people get. You quite obviously wanted different things. She wanted a part-time boyfriend, whereas you were imagining a long-term future with her. You were (are?) way more into her than she was into you. It was always going to end in disaster.

You have your reason. Try to come to terms with it and move on. This will obviously take time, so make sure to surround yourself with family and friends and indulge in some hobbies. It's far too soon for you to start dating again. And I don't mean in terms of time, but in relation to your residual feelings. You're being extremely unfair to the woman you're dating. For her sake, you should break it off with her and let her be free to find someone who is emotionally available (that's not you right now!).

CobraClan

I wouldn't say I'm still feeling it, Iv been well over her a long long time, when I said I still miss her I mean the friendship and the good memories we had together. I don't think she had mixed feelings about the break up either, if she had I think she would of tried to get some clarity, if not for me but herself! I didn't really start dating for about a year afterwards but I was with a few women in that time, I just wanted to do my own thing to be honest and it was the best thing I did. I wouldn't consider contacting her again, it doesn't matter to me anymore why we broke up! And why drag something up that's been buried a long time now, could cause pain again and I wouldn't do that to myself or her!

Everybody here has the same type of story, we've all been dumped at some time or another, it happens, it might happen 2 3 4 times in some peoples life, you just have to deal with it until the next Sally comes along! Try learning from this failed relationship so you don't repeat the same mistakes in your next one! Do your own thing man, look at it this way, at least your free to do whatever the F..k you want! Your free from the BS that comes with relationships for now, enjoy it while it last!!

Ursus Horribilis

I persisted in trying to see if we could meet and patch things up - took her a long time to respond and she didn't really seem fully convinced.

So in effect, you badgered her into giving the relationship another go. Given how you kept at her until you wore her down I don't blame her for having cut contact second time around. If I was her, I'd have binned that letter on the spot and blocked your number. Let's be honest here. If you'd had any sort of positive response at all from that letter you'd have started trying to get her back.

It's likely that your utter devotion to her blinded you to her faults and stopped you from reading the warning signs properly. Seeing as you'd gone down the road of giving her passwords and the likes, you were already in an unbalanced situation. For that reason alone, it's better that you're now broken up.

This was a one sided relationship. Your well shot of her and you were both incompatible.

Why focus on the pain this relationship caused you when you are only preventing your life from moving on and becoming a bit more fulfilling? She's one person. She doesn't define your reason for existing. Make your self a promise to have a good life and see the world with no limitations and endless possibilities on offer. Having a limited narrow focus will give you a limited narrow life. I wish you all the best

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Speaking as one of millions of people who have wanted that one "closure" conversation and gone aggressively after it, I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. If person A wants to be together and person B doesn't, there's nothing person B can say to make that fine, it hurts and it's going to hurt until it doesn't and in practical terms the reason doesn't hugely matter. Time, friends/family and life in general heal, there's no magic bullet Person B can provide.

I think the feelings of a break up, especially a sudden one, are so big and whirling and chaotic and painful that it's natural to think that nailing them down with something neat and causal like "there's someone else" "it was that thing you did" will make them more manageable. The person ending the relationship usually has different but comparable big chaotic feelings and trying to boil them down or express them can be a big ask.

In my experience anyway, even getting an answer just leads to more questions, more anger, more confusion. The person who is the source of the hurt can't be the one to get you over it.

I know it hurts but I'd say in the long run she's done you a kindness by cutting you out completely after the break up, though she didn't exactly cover herself in glory before it.

And don't beat yourself up about your reaction to the Facebook post. Last year I unexpectedly ran into an ex who'd ended our relationship suddenly, four years after the break up. I hadn't seen him in person since or been in contact with him at all in about three years. Very over it, in another long term relationship etc, and when I got in my front door I broke down. Like yourself I was confused and frustrated by my own reaction but here, it happens.

You'll be ok but I'd add my +1 to the advice not to be sh1tty to this new woman. See how you feel when you see her again (DO NOT TALK THIS THROUGH WITH HER THOUGH) but be honest with yourself, if it's too soon for you that's fine, stringing her along isn't.

Arrival

You sound like a genuinely decent person and it is tough but just keep reminding yourself about this:

"I got nothing back, not a text or an email or anything to say best wishes to me also - or thanks for the good times (of which we had many ...and rarely ever fell out)."

She is a kunt. The type of person that behaves like that, unless it was an abusive relationship or there was cheating or some other really hurtful reasons, is a kunt plain and simple. If the roles were reversed, you would've been mindful and considerate enough to send a simple response; because you're not a kunt. So what else is there to do besides not allow a kunt to interfere with your life any longer. I know how tough it is but believe me with time you will properly move on, just keep remembering these large negative aspects about the breakup and how she showed her true colours to you during those days where you have to fight the emotions stemming from your happy memories with her.

As for the new lady you're seeing, just be completely open and honest with her about what you're feeling and why. It obviously may end all possibilities of a relationship with her, and that's perfectly fine on her behalf and you must understand that, but it'll feel better to get than weight off your chest so you don't feel guilty on top of everything else you're already feeling. Who knows, she may even stay good friends with you and help you through things a bit by talking about it all.

It's hard to stay rational and reasonable during times like this due to the extreme emotions but it may help to really take a logical look at exactly what is happening to you; you feel love for someone due to the chemicals within your brain, that's simply all that it is, and when you lose this person it plays havoc with those chemicals. Your brain is going to heal itself and you are going to feel better after it. It really is simply a matter of time. Keep yourself busy and be proactive with your social life. Good luck!

zapper55

Oh please. She's not a **** (if you are going to use a curse have the balls to spell it right). She probably thought she'd get into a long conversation if she responded at all.

woodchuck

zapper55 wrote: »

Oh please. She's not a **** (if you are going to use a curse have the balls to spell it right). She probably thought she'd get into a long conversation if she responded at all.

I agree. It would've just been giving the OP false hope if she replied.

Ursus Horribilis

It also would have opened the door to her being badgered/guilted into resuming a relationship she wants to leave.

Arrival

zapper55 wrote: »

Oh please. She's not a **** (if you are going to use a curse have the balls to spell it right). She probably thought she'd get into a long conversation if she responded at all.

Have the balls to post four stars? Yeah, sure, mate. It's not about not having the balls to post the correct spelling, it's that it's a censored word

justfillmein

Lennox Prehistoric Destroyer wrote: »

In my experience anyway, even getting an answer just leads to more questions, more anger, more confusion. The person who is the source of the hurt can't be the one to get you over it.

this is a good point.

personally I don't seek closure.
knowing the reasons why will not make it any easier.
In fact it might make you feel worse, because they will give you a list of things why you weren't good enough FOR THEM.
doesn't mean you aren't actually good enough, just that you weren't what they are looking for.

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It also would have opened the door to her being badgered/guilted into resuming a relationship she wants to leave.

PS Tipp Gunner, is there any chance you could go back and take out that enormous wall of quoted text in your post? I'm on my phone and it took forever to scroll past it

Good point. Done

mrkilkenny2018

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for the words of advice ...or words to give me a kick up the 4rse (which i do need) - all appreciated.

Sounds a bit corny or whatever but the words in this thread have actually helped me massively to put things into some sort of perspective and deal with a real life head-fcku I am going through - so genuinely, thanks.


It may sound like I wore her down or badgered her after the initial breakup (instigated by me really) but that's just not the case. I sent 2 texts that were ignored, then I sent a final text saying that "I was sorry we were ending like this, but this will be the last time I will text, good luck and thanks" sort of thing. She then responded to that and we discussed giving it another go, but her terms were less time spent together initially.

Yes, if I took her at her word.... she wanted a full-on boyfriend up until her family issues became too much and then it didn't suit, so she wanted me part-time and she knew I wasn't going to be happy with that.

I was completely blinded by love/devotion for her through most of the relationship. Looking at it objectively as I can, she was quite selfish in all quarters, but I knew that... and I was ok with that (or put it to the back of my mind).

In hindsight I can see the warning signs and know it was unlikely to last. She never introduced me to any friends or her family - which was always very odd to me - but I didn't push it. I know that that is odd as hell considering she was talking about living together quite a lot.

I do doubt the reason for the breakup - and it doesn't make sense to me how you can just switch off like that. Yes, I get she was probably slowly cooling down while I was still bouncing around like a silly puppy dog thinking things were great.

I do think she may have been looking elsewhere or even found another whilst with me. (but not sure how she'd have time as we'd text and talk for at least an hour each evening).
But it doesn't really matter, I know it is over now.

Its an interesting idea, that the elusive 'closure' conversation will not actually give any closure at all. I sort of get that. I suppose the closure I want is just for her/us to acknowledge we had a relationship and had mainly a really good time, but now want different things, its over and even a hug goodbye. Is that weird wanting that ?

I think my problem is that I am trying to apply reason and logic to all these messed up feelings - even when I write it down, it's absolute nonsense that I should be so affected by this, but I am. The idea of these illogical feelings being due to a chemical in the brain sits well with me and can appreciate my head will reset fully with time.

Mostly what I wanted was just some humanity from her, to wish me well, or for her to say take care, or look after yourself , or hope you find happiness in the future.... like I said to her in my letter.

I have no interest in getting back with her.

I wrote the letter as I was unsettled by how things were left - I'm not a sh!tty person - and felt it was left sh!tty due to the breakup call - which didn't represent how I saw the relationship. Even at the end it wasn't sh!tty (except where she was talking of giving us a proper go again and spending more time together and looking forward to me spending the night, then 2/3 days later - breaking up in such a cold manner - after literally nothing had changed in those 2/3 days.)

But all I got (and am getting) after breakup is a cold cold nothing.
Even the breakup call - so so cold - not an ounce of compassion or warmth in any guise.

I believe I needed something back from her, even for her to give me some acknowledgment that the relationship was a positive thing for both of us and mine/her feelings weren't just some delusion on my behalf. I thought I meant something to her at some point, but now feel almost a bit duped and starting to doubt the whole relationship.
(Maybe a self-esteem thing that I need to work on ?!)

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom that clearly come from people experiencing a bit more life than me.

Yellow pack crisps

You got burned. A bad burn takes a good while to heal, you notice it a lot at first and then you notice it less until you scrape it against something and then it’s painful again. Then slowly it heals until you only notice it seldomly. Then it’s gone and you don’t even remember it being there or what it looks like.

Emme

OP have you let the new girlfriend go? You never mentioned her once in your last post.

You are still clearly not over your ex so be fair to the new girl and let her go to somebody who is emotionally available and will appreciate her. Don't use her to get over your ex.

You need to give yourself time to recover. Don't date until you are over your ex, it isn't fair.

mrkilkenny2018

I'd very much like to say I did the right thing and let the new lady go, but I didn't ...as such.

I met my new lady over the weekend and despite all of my chemical imbalances mentioned above, we were getting on ok and had a really good laugh (didn't think of my ex at all - in the lead up to the date or on the date itself).

Later on we had a bit of a chat about what we were looking for. Lets just say we are looking for different things - so naturally it sort of changed the direction. When I say 'sort of', it was left that we'd be in touch with each other....even though it was unsaid, it was clear probably not romantically - which was the best outcome I guess.

I feel very isolated again and a bit like the World is moving on without me but clear that I need to get my ex + situation completely out of the system. (Its not even the ex that I miss or want, its just getting my head around the ending of the relationship and the constant fecking questions I keep asking myself when I wake at 4 in the morning and cant get back to sleep!!!)

Emme

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

Later on we had a bit of a chat about what we were looking for. Lets just say we are looking for different things - so naturally it sort of changed the direction. When I say 'sort of', it was left that we'd be in touch with each other....even though it was unsaid, it was clear probably not romantically - which was the best outcome I guess.

It was clear to you probably not romantically but was it clear to her? It sounds very like the situation with your ex only she was clear she didn't want to see you again but you were not. If this woman gets in touch with you again you need to be upfront and say you don't want a romantic relationship.

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

I feel very isolated again and a bit like the World is moving on without me but clear that I need to get my ex + situation completely out of the system. (Its not even the ex that I miss or want, its just getting my head around the ending of the relationship and the constant fecking questions I keep asking myself when I wake at 4 in the morning and cant get back to sleep!!!)

It will take time to deal with that. Try to get out and meet people on a social/platonic level. If you like sport try to get involved in that.

I think the general advice is once you have done the breaking up with someone, it's cruel to stay in contact, particularly if they have any kind of hope or anything. you clearly did especially after you sent the letter - i'm not blaming you here, we've all been there - and so maybe she was following that general advice. staying in contact with you would have been prolonging the pain.
As someone else said, i don't think there is a closure conversation. anything she said, which she already did, could be followed with 'but why' into eternity

best of luck

mrkilkenny2018

Hi OP here again.

Sorry to resurrect my thread but a sort of not so great update.
I'm not doing so well at the moment.

Well, it's been a month after I started this thread - 4 months since the absolute break-up.
No contact since - except for me writing that 'nice' none-begging letter a while after breakup- just wishing her well and good luck.

I want to move on but I seem to be getting worse not better
The advice is "time will heal" - and make it easier to cope with.
It isn't - its seems to be getting harder and I'm tired of feeling so rubbish.


I AM keeping busy - have 2 kids from a separation who make me happy and keep me busy for the couple days in the week they are with me. Then working and commuting rest of week etc.

I think I'm verging on obsessing over my ex.

I am trying not to, but I find myself doing silly things, like checking car reg numbers of cars that look like hers just in case I bump into her on my travels. I have to stop myself doing this when driving !!
She lives 1.5hrs away so chances she is around my town anyway are minimal, but I still find myself doing it.

I wake up at like 4am completely wrecked but all I think about is her and imagining her in bed asleep - or possibly with someone else. Or trying to remember all the many good times we had and going over the build up to the breakup ...or during the day I will be thinking, she'll be on lunch now, or she finishes early today...etc.

I search for her on facebook several times a day.
I am not her 'friend' and she is private, so all I see is her profile pic.

She recently changed her profile pic (from one that was taken on a really lovely weekend break we went on together).

It left me feeling absolutely gutted that she had obviously moved on and replaced 'our' picture - resulting in rekindling the same feeling I had immediately after breakup - rejected/desperate/panic/sadness etc..

Then to complete the full stalker action I was then checking to see who had liked her new profile picture - further trying to torture myself almost !

Obviously she is perfectly entitled to do this, move on, and I do believe she is with someone else now but not 100%, (and I know its none of my business) but thoughts are crossing my mind of going to where she might be just to make sure she is with someone else - so I don't have to wonder anymore.

But no, I wouldn't do this, as that is full on crackers, full on stalker ex - which I am very close to being now.

At what point do I really worry about this?

I know its not healthy or reasonable to be behaving like this and would love to just move on but doesn't seem to happening naturally.

I have thought about contacting her but I've read enough threads on these pages to know this would be the very worst idea and nothing good would come from it.

I guess I still hope she would contact me to just see that I was alright or to say hello - but the reasonable part of me tells me I'm well in her past at this stage.

I'm not looking to get back with her as what I think she has done wasn't particular in character for the person I thought she was in the relationship. Yes some people say its the only clean way to end a relationship - I still think its very harsh and unnecessary and really has tainted the whole relationship for me - and I'm left wondering the whats and whys about the relationship and the breakup.

This may sound ridiculous, but what I think I really needed was a proper discussion after breakup to discuss and acknowledge each other's position and even a hug goodbye, to end it nicely - from a selfish point of view it would have helped my acceptance of the situation. Obviously she did it the way she wanted to do it and was easiest for her...
A cold barrier of "its over"......then nothingness.
I'd get that way if it ended badly or I was a right dose or possessive/controlling etc - but I really wasn't like that (despite my apparent stalker tendencies ! )

(I have never begged for her back.)

Not sure what I am looking for here - just desperate to get over this and get on with life and I'm tired of feeling so low.

Do I need counselling at this stage or is it still early days ?

I need and want to move on but at this stage I don't know how to.

GreeBo

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

This may sound ridiculous, but what I think I really needed was a proper discussion after breakup to discuss and acknowledge each other's position and even a hug goodbye, to end it nicely - from a selfish point of view it would have helped my acceptance of the situation.

I really dont think it would have helped.
You are still invested, she isnt. You need to accept that and move on.
Checking her account daily isnt moving on.

She will pop into your head, thats normal, but rather than dwell on it you need to push thoughts of her out and distract yourself with something else.

This will get easier and you will need to do it less and less over time.

Time only heals wounds when you stop picking at them...you are picking multiple times per day so of course its going to fester.

woodchuck

OP time is a healer... but you need a lot longer than one month. From my own experiences I've tended to feel worse before feeling better... I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's important that you know that change really does take quite a bit of time. But it will come.

I don't think it's too early to consider counselling though. It might do you some good?

Oh and block her on Facebook. That way you'll be less tempted to "stalk" her profile.

Ursus Horribilis

I think it's time to see a counsellor too. You've not progressed very far since your first post. That letter she didn't reply to is still eating you up. You're thinking about her a lot, you're stalking her Facebook. It's a repetitive cycle and you can't get out of it. Trashing this out with a counsellor and getting help from someone who knows how to deal with these things sounds like the way to go.

beefburrito

I remember my worst break up ever, it was horrific.
I ended up really depressed over it.
That was nearly 8 year's ago.
But it was the making of me, looking back I blamed her for everything,totally consumed by it being her fault.

Looking back now I wouldn't blame her for walking away from me.

As a man I can say we only tell our side of the story and unintentionally block out how needy and codependent we were before the break up.

Nothing better than a broken heart to get a man or woman to grow up and realize that people need space, and respect.

There's always two sides to a breakup, women don't get pissed off with guys for no reason.

Letting go is hard but you've got to realize she made her decision and doesn't want you in her life

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich

You’ll get tired of checking her stuff etc, you’ll probably laugh at how pathetic you’ve been acting one day, I know I do. Just keep going and putting one foot after another. Whatever you do don’t contact her or you’re back to square one, but if that’s what you’re gonna do we aren’t going to change your mind on it!

mrkilkenny2018

I think I definitely was needy and codependant at the end... so was she for a long time in the relationship, to the point where I was thinking oh-oh this is not good, she is really needy. At one stage I literally couldn't go to the toilet in my house without her wondering why I hadn't answered the phone or why it took so long to respond (I'd been chatting to my mum).

We were both full on for most of the relationship (I believe, but now doubting everything now - maybe she wasnt) - talking about future...buying a house...moving in etc. Up until not that long ago.

Somewhere it swung full circle, I was very very invested in the relationship up until the end it seems (obviously), while she was quietly (unbeknownst to me) winding us down in her own head in the leadup to the breakup - despite her suggesting that we could work if we calmed down the relationship to meet up less frequently, due to her family issues.

Even a few days before the breakup she changed her own 'rules' and said she wanted me staying over more at hers - weird and mixed messages.

This is why I think a meetup after breakup to discuss would have been good, so I can understand what the hell happened and how I got the complete wrong end of the stick about her discussion days earlier when she said very positive things (that she really didn't need to say if she was breaking up with me, like suggesting staying over - just seems really cruel)

I'm encouraged, beefburrito, in that this could give me a solid lesson in relationships. I bloody hope so !! If I don't learn from this I need shooting.
I understand why someone might be quite guarded going into a relationship now and not go in with their heart open - which is what I seemed to have done.

I was married for many years but the marriage failure was a long drawn out process. None of these current feeling were present when the marriage ended. This is the first real relationship breakup where I was totally invested and it hurts like hell.

Yeah I know she has gone and thats it. I hear that and get that - however I obviously have an issue with just accepting the circumstances of that and need more info somehow and cant at this time just let the situation drift into history. I need to appreciate I'm not going to get closure and for my own sanity I need to just accept its happened, let it go, heal and move on. (sounds very straightforward

As was pointed out above I am caught in some sort of loop where I need to know more about what has happened. I'm almost on auto pilot just clicking on facebook ...its almost a habit now. Its ridiculous and totally take the point that it is poking at the wound over and over and will never heal as long as I keep poking.

I was starting to get sick of checking her facebook profile pic as it hasn't changed since our trip last year that the pic was from - then when it changed a few days ago my heart just sank like a stone - was gutted. Totally unreasonable I know ! I think that was why I was checking as I knew one day she would change it and that day came and opened the wound wide open again.

In my unbalanced state I really want to contact her. But I definitely will not make contact. I tried to communicate via the letter I wrote and got nothing back (although I have convinced myself several times it may have got lost in the post FFS !!).....and I know I will likely regret sending that letter in the future, but can only act on what I felt like doing at the time I suppose.

I guess i have to think about counselling.....or have faith that time will heal me and just keep plodding forward and pack in the stalking.

Thanks for the thoughts and advice.

justfillmein

you are who you are.
try not to let other people's actions change you.

you shouldn't regret sending that letter.
you had all good intentions when you sent it, and you shouldn't feel bad for that, now or any time in the future.

it sound's like you are having a tough time.
I hope things ease up for you soon:)

mrkilkenny2018

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

I AM keeping busy - have 2 kids from a separation who make me happy and keep me busy for the couple days in the week they are with me. Then working and commuting rest of week etc.

Your two kids need you, remember this foremost and always. They need you to remain a strong father to them. We've all been there with exes. It sounds a cliche but it does get easier. The trick is to keep busy and keep making new goals. Wallowing in self pity does no one any good. Talk to someone if it does help but dont condemn yourself to some sort of twilight zone.

Set goals, take up a new hobby, meet new people. For god sake the world is too big a place to obsess over one girl who has long forgotten you sorry to be blunt. Its gone and done. Nothing can be done about it.

The biggest regret you might have is that you will look back someday and realise that you wasted precious time obsessing over someone who wasnt into you enough for the long haul while ignoring the world of potential out there. Its a short life mate. Not worth it.

Learn from the relationship experience and put it to practice when you do meet that one girl who will stick around in good times and bad.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, my impression from reading your posts is that
1 she did the right thing by cutting contact. Maintaining contact, even to reply and wish you well would just be prolonging the break up. Because if she replied, you might have replied etc. I know you say you didn't expect anything from the letter, but you did want acknowledgment from her. You wanted communication. You wanted to talk to her. In order to break up and move on, somebody had to stop the contact. And that wasn't going to be you.

2 (and I may be totally wrong in this) but I get the impression she is/was seeing someone else. You mention that she was quite insistent on checking your phone and knowing your passwords etc. Quite often when people behave like that it is because they are projecting their own behaviour on to others. So it's very likely that she was guilty of cheating/contacting others and judged you by her standards. You never thought to check her phone, because you never considered cheating, or that she would cheat.

Also her changing her mind so quickly on plans made could be because something else came up. Somebody else contacted her to make plans.

I may be way off. But either way it's irrelevant. You need to move on. Of course you know this. But you need to force yourself to do it. You need to keep busy. Join a group/class/sport anything that gets you out and meeting people. Something that involves a group activity that occupies your time and mind. A cycling club, a running club, a drama group, a football team, a dance class, a musical group. Groups always welcome new members and volunteers.

Time will heal. Eventually. But it is going to take time. You need to block her on Facebook so that you can't easily look her up. You cannot possibly move on and forget her while you are constantly checking up on her. Make a promise to yourself that you are not going to look up her profile again. And then actually stop yourself whenever you feel the urge. If you block her, it will make looking her up more difficult and it will take a few extra steps. That should deter you and remind you to not continue.

You need to find something that fills your time, so that you have less time to devote to looking her up/thinking about her.

LegacyUser

Op, I've read everything you've posted and I think you would benefit from looking up the Narcissistic cycle of abuse. It goes 1. Idealise 2. Devalue 3. Discard.

You describe a period of bliss and happiness, then noticing she was pulling away, then reassurance from her before she dropped you with zero warning. These are not the actions of a stable person. The paranoia about your phone would also fit with this type of disorder. You really shouldn't have to show your messages to a trusted partner.

You mention that you now doubt things she told you. I would listen to those doubts, it's usually instinct telling you something is wrong. Would you agree that you never really knew where you stood with your ex? Would you say everything had to be on her terms? People like this are incredibly difficult to get over. The highs and happiness are incredible and then....nothing. You also mentioned her child had addiction issues. Children of these types often do.
There are too many red flags popping up in what you've mentioned.

I think you would benefit from talking this over with a therapist. Sometimes it's helpful to run it by an outsider. They may notice patterns that you don't.
As difficult as it is, be glad this woman is gone from your life. A lifetime together would have been very difficult and miserable for you. Be very wary of any contact she makes in future. Do not contact her again. You sound like a decent sort and you deserve to be treated with respect.

mrkilkenny2018

Thanks for the comments - food for thought alright.

I understand (mostly from boards) when a relationship ends, zero contact is the way to go, to enable healing and sever the emotional ties/dependency and allow the mind to detach and get used to never seeing/hearing from the person you love ever again.
I do get that. I also get that it is very very harsh...but prob the best way.

The breakup phone call was stony cold, frosty, unemotional, offered no real answers other than 'we just want different things', "no, I don't want to meet up". It was like a totally different person on the phone from the person I knew. No sign of anything - almost like she didn't care or was angry with me. That's why I wrote the letter as I hated that call being the last communication between us - it didn't reflect the relationship and I didn't and still don't get what happened at the end.
I am pleased I wrote the letter , but I know that I will regret it later on when my head is sorted.

I had thought the letter might provoke some sort of emotional response in her and she would respond with something/anything, even though in the letter I made no suggestion of getting back together. In reality she prob just screwed it up or shared it with her grown up daughters and laughed at how daft I turned out - or didn't read it at all.

I suppose my need for some sort of contact following breakup is almost looking for an acknowledgement that we had a relationship at all in her eyes.. and things were good at some point and even to agree that circumstances have changed (her family needs apparently)... and we both agree that we are better off looking elsewhere and ending our relationship. As I say previously even a "I wish you well, but it is definitely goodbye".
I would have been gutted still but would have removed so much fuzz and my confusion around the breakup .....and then the 'no contact' after would have been bearable and the right thing for me.

Genuinely and honestly I would not have begged for another chance - a letter or meetup might have helped me understand the missing pieces between her saying she was "excited to give us a go, stay over at mine" ....to her breaking up. From my side of the fence not a thing had changed between her offering more ...and then breaking up. It felt like she bigged the whole relationship thing up to then bring it crashing down within a few days.
I couldn't do that to someone ...ever. It doesn't add up to me. Its something you might do to someone you hate or want revenge on. That scares me and confuses the hell out of me and makes me think i was way off thinking our relationship was normal/great in the main.

Yes she did call all the shots in the relationship. When I go through the positives and negatives of the relationship, it looks a no brainer in that it was destined to fail eventually (despite all the many good times and shared massive life experiences, good and bad), but for me it was not a natural ending - there is a chapter missing in my book.
Maybe I will think at some point it was a blessing that it ended when it did.

Yes, the idea of her seeing someone else at the same time has been bouncing around in my head - but I cant explain it away on that as I have no evidence/proof - despite all my stalking ! (I'm not a very good stalker in fairness !!). She did start cooling down + lack of intimacy - so that might add to the story. As has been said - it makes no real difference now if she was cheating, but would obviously impact my trust going into any next relationship and would taint my view of the relationship I had (I doubt the whole relationship now anyway)

The only real time we went close to breaking up previous is when we were away and she grabbed my phone in the hotel , I told her to put it down, she then opened a whatsapp message. I was annoyed because it let someone at work know I had read the message. She turned it around and went ballistic to say I had something to hide and why did I never have my phones open (I always did or she had the password). I explained the situation calmly. It ruined our weekend away. She had MAJOR issues with trust regarding my phones/tablet and even said she was going to go to counselling to get it sorted when she eventually came around. I NEVER once checked her phone - as i thought it was unnecessary and her private business - and she knew that. I regret not looking now.

I have managed to go the day without looking at her on facebook - as I say its almost a habit. Yaaaay for me ! Baby steps.
Just need to break that silly habit.

I read up on the Narcissistic cycle of abuse and some of it is scarily fitting in with what has happened. Not all of it fits but some of it is very accurate.
'Generally very sudden, and without warning. “Light switch” like approach to both the relationship and the partner (I love you/you don’t exist)', 'Lack of Closure', 'disappears when new victim is lined up'.
I'd love to explain it all away on her having these problems, as it will help me understand her actions, but I don't know.

I do fit the 'Mr nice guy'/victim profile it seems - they type of person they prey on. Not a good thing to be - just waiting to be taken advantage of and manipulated. Regardless of whether she falls into that category of person or not, I was overdependent on her when she did the discarding. I need to get wiser and stronger to never let it impact me in this way again.
Yes one of her daughters is an addict, - so that fits also. Both her daughters have a myriad of psychological issues that my ex told me about (scary stuff) that came out of rehab.
It is very interesting stuff you have pointed out and I will be watching out for these types if/when I decide to dip my toe back into the water.

At times (even today) I see glimmers of what life would/could be like without her being in my head and its almost a feeling of euphoria and optimism.
I am desperate to be free of 'it' but as all the wise people on here say - give it time.

WIZWEB

Hi OP,

Reading this got little alarm bells ringing for me too that you might be dealing with a narcissist (Based upon my own experience with one high on the spectrum). The poster that highlighted this explained the correlations to your experience really well. However several of my points below relate to any toxic relationship so the title of narcissist does not need to be confirmed.

Speculating you were possibly a good form of narcissistic supply. Empaths and codependents tend to be ideal targets/victims. However we're just objects to Narcs. Possibly you've been put back on the shelf while she may be engaging in a new lucrative source/s of supply. It might be another partner or other acquaintances giving her the constant attention and admiration they demand. The honeymoon period never lasts though as you've discovered. When he/they grow stale to her you may be taken back down from that shelf to use and abuse again until a new shiny 'toy' gets their attention. Believe me every time you rengage in such manipulations the personal mental toll on you increases. In essence you will feel a lot worse than now as a consequence of having any further contact. See your discard as a gift to work on yourself.

Engaging with such people that inflict such emotional highs and lows causes an addiction to them. A trauma bond in essence. If she is a narcissist you must realise that you will never get closure. Your other needs will not be met (for long) if you reangage in such a toxic relationship

Instead about these questions you want answers for regarding the breakup you need to ask yourself some tough questions (like I needed to). Why are you still obsessed about someone who has shown you disrespect on several levels. Why did you stay with them as the devaluations escalated. Have you history of similar relationship dynamics (family, partner, friendships). Do you find 'normal' drama free relationships boring. Are you stuck in a loop where constantly engaging in discourse about this person is actually feeding your addiction to them etc. Not getting at you but taking the spotlight away from them will help you heal. A good counsellor can fascilitate you exploring such topics and your obsession while developing skills for healthy future attachments.

For any toxic individual whether a narcissist or not you must instigate and maintain full No Contact to aid recovery. This includes blocking off all social media. No peeking. No going out of your way to 'accidentally' run into them and no asking others about them or engaging with 'flying monkeys': those triangulated to reengage you in the games. See this as something you can mourn but accept that they can't come back but if you let them it's as an emotional vampire to suck you dry.

Appledreams15

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

Hi,

OP here.
Thanks for responses - really appreciated - and I think it really has helped me get a bit of perspective and points of view.

Thanks for wading through all my waffle (....more below in response)


After 3 months post breakup my ex popped into my head only occasionally and I did think I was over her, but then after I saw the FB thing the whole breakup feelings came flooding back - sick feeling in stomach/palpatations etc.
I wouldn't have dreamt of starting to date if I was feeling like this.


I didn't write a letter to get back with her (although that could have been on option I would have considered back then).
I just wanted to wish her well and for my own sake and person that I am, not leave my negative words being the last thing I had said to her - it made me feel rotten after such a wonderful relationship that I had with her.

If my take on our relationship was correct and what we had, I'd have thought she'd have wanted to wish me well also or thank me for all the happy memories or at least acknowledge that she enjoyed our time together .......or at the very very least to wish me well also.

I care because its now making me doubt my happy memories and I get the vibe that she somehow hates me for something or I have misunderstood what we had.

Just think it would be civil thing to do, to even acknowledge that we had a relationship, its over, all the best type thing.

Yes it is totally unfair on my new lady friend and yes I do feel bad.
As I say when I started dating again I thought I was ready.
I was able and excited and we've had lots of fun getting to know each other and has been really excciting for both of us.
But this bolt from the blue has knocked me massively.
I just hope that the bolt will dissapear as quick as it came now !

Perhaps my ex is trying to spare me by not contacting me at all but I think its more for her own benefit - whatever her reasons are.

In hindsight I had noticed a change in her even before we broke-up but I thought that was just because we were both taking each other a bit for granted.
She was much cooler towards me and we weren't intimate for a few weekends beforehand as she was said she was 'sick'. UTI/Migraine (More Alarm Bells going off now !)
It was like she was shutting down from us for a while, almost preparing herself for the breakup.

I am starting to wonder whether she did have someone else on the go now or someone in mind - or had started online dating etc - or maybe just fed up/bored with the relationship.

I guess just knowing the truth would be nice and so much easier to deal with and understand and allow me to move on properly.
The unfortunate reality is that I will never really know.

On the breakup call I said, "look we are never prob going to speak to each other again, would you please just do me the favour of telling me the reason why you are breaking up, 3 days ago you were looking forward to me staying over and now you're breaking up ?".

I even said I'd underdstand if she had just gone off me or fallen out of love or found someone else - just tell me the truth.

She just maintained we want different things thats the reason for the breakup. ie I wanted the big full on relationship still and she now just wants a very casual thing and doesn't have time due to family situation (daughter an addict just out of rehab - although is even that true now ?!?).

It really is ringing alarm bells that maybe she was seeing someone else.
But then she was very very anti cheating and apparently showed up a guy she was starting to date (before me) when she found out he was actually engage - telling his wife-to-be etc. Again, I'm doubting this now also.

Another alarm bell was that she was constantly accusing me of hiding my phones, keeping them locked etc. I gave her the passwords and offered her to look through them whenever she wanted tho. I had nothing to hide.

I guess its the unknown of what has gone on is causing me to go a bit demented here.
It all doesn't stack up to me and I hate unsolved mysteries, aspecially ones that make me feel worse than sh*t.

I've asked myself the question, if she contacted me and said she wanted to give it another go, would I agree to it.
The answer would be a resounding 'no way'.

Firstly she has done this to me - getting us both (or probably just me?) excited about a relationship reboot, then dumping me 3 days later, when nothing has changed (my side anyway). It just seems like a really really cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly care about.
It is therefore very likely she would do it me again, given the chance, if she fancied a change again - and I wouldn't give her that chance.

And I am now with someone else and I was/am moving on.
I feel rotten about this sitiuation now with my new lady
I just hope that I'll snap out of it again. I'll meet her in next few days and see how things are.
Just wish I could make the sh!t feeling go away.

I prob should have gone through this in my teens - so I'd know how to handle, not now in my late 30's for goodness sake !

Thanks again for the wise words - really has helped me process this situation a bit more.

I will put my 2 cents in here.

When people seem cruel in a relationship.

Or seem to be like they are going to go one way (get back) and go another

Or cut off all contact.

It is down to fear. All of us are afraid of vulnerability and relationships, especially those a little bit older who have had hearts broken in the past.

I met one man recently and was dating for a few months, and I could not decide to commit to him or not for ages. It was partly to do with him. But it was mainly to do with fear! The fear that most relationships don't work out, and not wanting to get too close to someone for fear of feeling the heartbreak pain again (the closer you get the more hurt you will feel). And he was exactly the same with me.

I wouldnt take it personally.

I actually think I want to be single for the rest of ny life. I am happy like this. I have so much freedom

Appledreams15

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

Hi OP here again.

Sorry to resurrect my thread but a sort of not so great update.
I'm not doing so well at the moment.

Well, it's been a month after I started this thread - 4 months since the absolute break-up.
No contact since - except for me writing that 'nice' none-begging letter a while after breakup- just wishing her well and good luck.

I want to move on but I seem to be getting worse not better
The advice is "time will heal" - and make it easier to cope with.
It isn't - its seems to be getting harder and I'm tired of feeling so rubbish.


I AM keeping busy - have 2 kids from a separation who make me happy and keep me busy for the couple days in the week they are with me. Then working and commuting rest of week etc.

I think I'm verging on obsessing over my ex.

I am trying not to, but I find myself doing silly things, like checking car reg numbers of cars that look like hers just in case I bump into her on my travels. I have to stop myself doing this when driving !!
She lives 1.5hrs away so chances she is around my town anyway are minimal, but I still find myself doing it.

I wake up at like 4am completely wrecked but all I think about is her and imagining her in bed asleep - or possibly with someone else. Or trying to remember all the many good times we had and going over the build up to the breakup ...or during the day I will be thinking, she'll be on lunch now, or she finishes early today...etc.

I search for her on facebook several times a day.
I am not her 'friend' and she is private, so all I see is her profile pic.

She recently changed her profile pic (from one that was taken on a really lovely weekend break we went on together).

It left me feeling absolutely gutted that she had obviously moved on and replaced 'our' picture - resulting in rekindling the same feeling I had immediately after breakup - rejected/desperate/panic/sadness etc..

Then to complete the full stalker action I was then checking to see who had liked her new profile picture - further trying to torture myself almost !

Obviously she is perfectly entitled to do this, move on, and I do believe she is with someone else now but not 100%, (and I know its none of my business) but thoughts are crossing my mind of going to where she might be just to make sure she is with someone else - so I don't have to wonder anymore.

But no, I wouldn't do this, as that is full on crackers, full on stalker ex - which I am very close to being now.

At what point do I really worry about this?

I know its not healthy or reasonable to be behaving like this and would love to just move on but doesn't seem to happening naturally.

I have thought about contacting her but I've read enough threads on these pages to know this would be the very worst idea and nothing good would come from it.

I guess I still hope she would contact me to just see that I was alright or to say hello - but the reasonable part of me tells me I'm well in her past at this stage.

I'm not looking to get back with her as what I think she has done wasn't particular in character for the person I thought she was in the relationship. Yes some people say its the only clean way to end a relationship - I still think its very harsh and unnecessary and really has tainted the whole relationship for me - and I'm left wondering the whats and whys about the relationship and the breakup.

This may sound ridiculous, but what I think I really needed was a proper discussion after breakup to discuss and acknowledge each other's position and even a hug goodbye, to end it nicely - from a selfish point of view it would have helped my acceptance of the situation. Obviously she did it the way she wanted to do it and was easiest for her...
A cold barrier of "its over"......then nothingness.
I'd get that way if it ended badly or I was a right dose or possessive/controlling etc - but I really wasn't like that (despite my apparent stalker tendencies ! )

(I have never begged for her back.)

Not sure what I am looking for here - just desperate to get over this and get on with life and I'm tired of feeling so low.

Do I need counselling at this stage or is it still early days ?

I need and want to move on but at this stage I don't know how to.

Don't beat yourself up. We've all been obsessive and crazy over an ex. The heart can hurt! You can get stuck in a rut of thinking.
What REALLY helped me get over an ex was meditation.
When you are hurting over an ex, you are hurting yourself with your thoughts.
Meditation stopped your thoughts.

I was having awful thoughts about seeing ny ex with his new girlfriend, jealousy is a killer, and why he seemed to be treating her better than me.

Then (I meditate anyway), but I sat down with the intention one day to meditate on this and ask for help with ny thoughts.

I meditated for a while, and my thoughts stopped, and I got a clearer picture in my mind that it would not be good for me at all to be with him, that he would resteict me, that I had alot more to do and experience in my life.

I havent had the painful thoughts since. And I have had amazing experiences that I would not have had if I stayed with him.

How I meditate: sit or lie anywhere comfortable. Make an effort to listen to the sounds around you, don't think any thoughts.
Do as long as you can. If you are a beginner. Do it for 5-10 minutes. You need to practice at it for a while, but soon it will be easy to slip into meditation.
I woulf reccomend sitting for 30 mins when you can, let your mind clear (no bad thoughts) and when you are in a peaceful state then think of the relationship