Age when your realized you were not straight

Schwanz

To be honest It's not a question out of nosiness its the fact my daughter is saying at 12 she likes girls. Not a problem for me or my partner.

Wondering if she is too young for this or am I just naive.

Thanks in advance

Mr.Frame

It could be just a phase she is going through, but I wouldnt dismiss her comments out of hand. Most (but not all )LGBT people realize they are attracted to the people of the same sex in their early teens.

eviltwin

Schwanz wrote: »

To be honest It's not a question out of nosiness its the fact my daughter is saying at 12 she likes girls. Not a problem for me or my partner.

Wondering if she is too young for this or am I just naive.

Thanks in advance

I was 12 when I first started fancying girls, I'm female. It could be a phase it could not. All my earliest sexual experiences were same sex but I still ended up marrying a man so who knows what the future holds.

what the hell!

I was around 11 or 12 I remember.

Heebie

In hindsight I can recall being attracted to other boys when I was 4.5 and 5 years old. (Specific instances)
I did not know what that meant until about 13-14.
I did not allow myself to believe it was true, out of fear, until somewhere between my 17th and 18th birthdays.

I missed out entirely on many "milestone" events like school dances, prom, house parties, field parties etc... because I was terrified that people would freak out, and that my parents would throw me out of the house. (I was TOLD by my father, orally, at age 11, that if I was gay, I'd be thrown out of the house, so I had good reason to be terrified.

Please make sure your kids know you'll support them no matter what their sexual or gender identity is. Please!

pl4ichjgy17zwd

I had crushes from a young age, active thoughts like 'I hope this doesn't mean I'm gay' since 7, realized fully what it all meant at 12 and came out at 14.

Gay woman here.

BelongTo might be a good resource for you both!

Schwanz

Heebie wrote: »

In hindsight I can recall being attracted to other boys when I was 4.5 and 5 years old. (Specific instances)
I did not know what that meant until about 13-14.
I did not allow myself to believe it was true, out of fear, until somewhere between my 17th and 18th birthdays.

I missed out entirely on many "milestone" events like school dances, prom, house parties, field parties etc... because I was terrified that people would freak out, and that my parents would throw me out of the house. (I was TOLD by my father, orally, at age 11, that if I was gay, I'd be thrown out of the house, so I had good reason to be terrified.

Please make sure your kids know you'll support them no matter what their sexual or gender identity is. Please!

I’ve told my kids that all that matters is to be happy once you don’t hurt anyone else. Their sexuality doesn’t bother me or her whatsoever.

My mother thought me that.

Schwanz

Thanks everyone.

Heebie

Schwanz wrote:

My mother thought me that.

Thank her from me if she's still around, and thank yourself!

JupiterKid

I was about 11 or 12 when I fully realized I was attracted to other males. So no, 12 is by no means too young. TBH I have been gay for as far back as I can remember but could only put a name to it in my early teens. Some LGBT youths come to the realization earlier than others, but being gay is almost certainly inborn. Well that’s my opinion on it in any case.

Then came the years of self denial and trying to be straight until I finally came to my senses at 21/22 after a few relationships with girls. I’ve never looked back. I’m 42 years of age now.

I grew up in a very homophobic society in my youth which made me struggle and hide away. My parents used to make casual homophobic comments to stuff on TV. The 1980s was a truly horrible time to be gay. Yes, the fledging LGBT community had been set up, David Norris and Mary Robinson were fighting the courts to legalize gay sex, but wider society ridiculed gay people at best and were very very hostile to them at worst. Gay bashings were commonplace. Unsurprisingly the deeply unhealthy relationship between the Catholic Church and the State was to blame to a large degree. Extramarital sex was condemned as was any open discussion sexual issues, contraception and divorce were proscribed, let alone gay rights. It was an utterly stifling environment in terms of sexual freedom for everyone. Rape within marriage was still legal until well into the 1990s FFS. Sex education was virtually non existent. Look at the tragedy of Ann Lovett and the Kerry Babies case, both in 1984. Meanwhile single mothers were stigmatized, the Magdalene laundries were still running and ignorance and intolerance reigned supreme. A sizable minority to their credit rejected this nasty status quo and directly challenged the orthodoxy of sexual repression. Many simply emigrated in order to gain some sense of freedom and self-expression.

Gay men were murdered and the Gardai didn’t seem too bothered in catching the perpetrators. Gay people were pariahs - marginalized, often desperately lonely, and hugely discriminated against. Most were deep in the closet in any case. As we approach 2020, sadly many still are. It wasn’t much - if any - better for LGBT people in the UK or the States (even after the so-called “sexual revolution” of the 1960s and 70s) except that in the bigger cities the “scenes” were more developed and accepting to those rejected by their hometowns and families. Those early gay pride events were angry protest movements to fight to gain tolerance and gain even some legal equality.

My mum died suddenly when I was 15, long before I came out but I know in hindsight she would have accepted me as she deeply loved me. My dad, who once opined when I asked him about AIDS said it was “Gods punishment against gays” when I was about 13, completely changed his views in the 1990s (as so many people did) and accepted me unconditionally when I came out to him at 22/23.

The 1990s, particularly the latter half, were a decade of huge change in terms of LGBT acceptance. The decriminalitation of gay sex, the coming out of a number of celebrities, and for me going to university opened my mind and gave me the confidence to come out. It was a time of huge social change for Ireland and the beginning of the collapse of the power of the Church was instrumental in these changes.

Anti-gay attitudes were simply ignorance on my parents’ generations part. No gay friends that they were aware of, camp stereotyped characters on TV that were the object of ridicule, the horror of HIV/AIDS, gay sex being illegal and religious indoctrination. Of all my relatives and wider clan, only one aunt rejected me when I came out. Her sad loss. She was a bitter individual anyway. We did decide not to tell my grandfather who was in his late 80s about me being gay. I just don’t think he would have understood. I do know I was fortunate compared to many as gay youth continue to this day to be rejected by their families - despicable the the year 2018.

To see gay people getting married to each other with the full love and support of their families is something I could not have dreamed of as a struggling teen. Also even though I’m no fan of Leo Varadkar’s policies, the fact that Ireland is one of the first countries to have an openly gay leader is very significant. We have come a huge way. But there is still quite a way to go. There are still an awful lot of people trapped in the closet and the issue of gay people, especially gay men, in professional team sports, has an awful long way to go. Professional soccer is a total disgrace in particular. Northern Ireland is still rife with homophobia and same-sex marriage has yet to be legalized there.

And then there are our LGBT comrades in deeply homophobic parts of the world like the Middle East, most of Africa and Russia and Central Asia who remain persecuted and oppressed. Parts of the USA remain virulently homophobic. They need our support in every way. And trans acceptance has quite a long way to go. I’ve always believed there’s a strong connection between women’s rights and LGBT rights.

wakka12

For me I definitely didn't know at 12.I don't think I felt sexual attraction to people at that age. I would say don't think too much of it yet, it could very easily be a phase and she may change. But at the same time, don't be surprised if she is definitely into girls when she's older as obviously chances are higher given what she has said !

cgcsb

In hindsight when I was 7 I had a male friend that I would wrestle with, and I clearly enjoyed it waayy more than he did. And I suppose I really did know that I liked him VERY much at that stage but I also knew that it would have been absolutely impossible for me to verbalise how I felt, even at 7 you are TOLD by society how much of a taboo it is. He's now straight btw.

I suppose I was 12 before those evolved into sexual fantasies. Came out at 14 and was rejected but sure live and learn.

mjdh1957

I knew I was 'different' by around the age of 7.

By 12 I was already aware of my sexual attraction to men and boys but couldn't have named it as homosexual. And I knew my parents would not have liked it if they found out.

CreativeSen

I was 8 or 9 when I realized I was different and I was 12 when I realized why I was different.

I have very distinct memories of being in the school yard when I was in 3rd class and knowing that I was different and knowing that I shouldn't say anything to anybody about it.

cgcsb

Isn't it mental how society trains kids from such an early age to not rock the boat.

LLMMLL

It's possible that there are a lot of straight people who felt the same way at 7 but since they weren't gay don't focus on it as a memory. I would think that straight people generally are less likely to reexamine their childhood looking for early signs Of gayness.

baby and crumble

I came out to myself at about 14, I remember the first time I saw two women kissing on TV I didn't know what to do. I was in boarding school though, so no way was I going to tell anyone, not a single soul how I felt. I had boyfriends and crushes on guys when I was younger, right up until I was 17, but in hindsight I know I was just trying really hard to be straight, and to throw people off the scent.

I always smile when I hear this kind of question though, and I know it often comes from a good place, but nobody ever asks straight people "when did you know you weren't gay?" It goes to show we've a long way to go.

Also, some people have no idea they are attracted to members of the same gender until much later in life, perhaps having happily been married in a heterosexual relationship, raising kids etc. Sexuality, in my opinion, isn't fixed. I think most people will have periods of attraction to someone they weren't expecting. I'm happily married to a woman now, but who's to say in 20 years I won't fancy a guy?

pl4ichjgy17zwd

baby and crumble wrote:

Also, some people have no idea they are attracted to members of the same gender until much later in life, perhaps having happily been married in a heterosexual relationship, raising kids etc. Sexuality, in my opinion, isn't fixed. I think most people will have periods of attraction to someone they weren't expecting. I'm happily married to a woman now, but who's to say in 20 years I won't fancy a guy?

I think for some people it isn't fixed and some people it very much is. I don't think you can claim everyone is fluid any more than you can claim sexual fluidity doesn't exist at all.

I know you don't mean it this way, but a lot of people get harassed with the 'maybe someday you'll like a guy/girl' stuff. It's extremely frustrating when you have to manage somebody else's expectations of your own sexuality and they trot out 'sexuality is fluid', when for you, it never has been.

baby and crumble

Terrence Whining Skullcap wrote: »

I think for some people it isn't fixed and some people it very much is. I don't think you can claim everyone is fluid any more than you can claim sexual fluidity doesn't exist at all.

I know you don't mean it this way, but a lot of people get harassed with the 'maybe someday you'll like a guy/girl' stuff. It's extremely frustrating when you have to manage somebody else's expectations of your own sexuality and they trot out 'sexuality is fluid', when for you, it never has been.

I really didn’t mean it that way. I stand by my statement though. I guess I don’t mean sexuality just being who you are attracted to, For me it encompasses the type of sex you want, the role you play etc.

Apologies for the confusion.

Heebie

LLMMLL wrote:

It's possible that there are a lot of straight people who felt the same way at 7 but since they weren't gay don't focus on it as a memory. I would think that straight people generally are less likely to reexamine their childhood looking for early signs Of gayness.

I think straight people are also a lot less likely to associate those feelings with fear than non-straight folks. (I would suspect cisgendered people are less likely to associate certain feeling with fear than trans folks, too.)

L1011

12 at the absolute oldest, hard to identify if there were enough indiciations before.

mikel97

14 and 20 now me and my best frend still laugh at the day we both say it.

igCorcaigh

what the hell! wrote: »

I was around 11 or 12 I remember.

Me too. 12 I think, but that's when I understood the concept and had a word to put on it.

My memories of being somehow attracted to certain men go back to when I was less than 7.

igCorcaigh

CreativeSen wrote: »

I was 8 or 9 when I realized I was different and I was 12 when I realized why I was different.

I have very distinct memories of being in the school yard when I was in 3rd class and knowing that I was different and knowing that I shouldn't say anything to anybody about it.

Almost my immediate response (internally) on realising. Had no internal conflict, but knew quickly enough not to tell anyone. I remember fearing that they would not like me.

igCorcaigh

LLMMLL wrote: »

It's possible that there are a lot of straight people who felt the same way at 7 but since they weren't gay don't focus on it as a memory. I would think that straight people generally are less likely to reexamine their childhood looking for early signs Of gayness.

Perhaps there is also a taboo about recognising the proto-sexuality of young children.

I remember watching the Late Late Show many years ago, and some professional of some sort saying it's not unusual for girls of 3 or 4 to flirt with their fathers.

I know my early memories were certainly not sexual in any way, but very much emotional and gender oriented. Not towards my dad though

LegacyUser

It was around 12 when I developed a massive crush on my school mate Paul. But I was also attracted to girls. The problem pages in newspapers at the time said that it could be a phase. It wasn't. I'm definitely bi. But I knew I was different much earlier without ever understanding why. BTW Paul wherever you are I still fancy you.