Christmas party, Boss might have tried to rape me

LegacyUser

Here's what happened.
Was at my work christmas party with my husband in a hotel which happens to be right next door to where I live.

Late in the evening my boss gives me a glass of what later turned out to be Poitin that he had gotten from another employee.

I stupidly drank it and after that, my memory is really patchy. I remember standing at the bar buying a round of drinks and I asked my boss if he wanted a shot, and he said
"I want a shot of your pussy"

At this point, I remember getting angry at him and telling him to go back to his wife who was also at the party. I remember leaving to go home. My husband had already gone home by then, but we live next door so I was going to walk home by myself.

I can't remember anything from here, but apparently my boss walked me home and apparently I kept falling (i woke up covered in thorns and bruises). I'm not the sort of person who would have asked my boss to walk me home, its the opposite, I would insist that I'm fine, but apparently he says I was too drunk to even stand properly so he needed to help me.

I was laughing with my husband the next day about how I managed to get into such a state even though we're so close to the hotel when I got a message from my boss asking him to call him.

When I rang, I asked him what he wanted and he said that his wife had 'caught us snogging' outside my front door and that she hit me, and hit him and stormed off.

I have absolutely no memory of any of this, Kissing my boss is the last thing I would ever do, I have zero attraction to him.

My boss says he doesn't remember anything either, the only person who claims to remember is my wife's boss, and she won't talk to me.

Today when I was trying to get more information, my boss said that apparently his pants were open when his wife caught him, so it was more than just kissing. I don't even know if I was conscious for this. I can't remember a thing, but I have this feeling that if his wife hadn't stopped him, who knows what would have happened.

So today I have absolutely no idea what to do. My boss said that i'll have to 'work from home from now on' but I can't go on working with this guy. I said to him that I might have to get the Gardai involved, but I don't know if there's any point..

What should I do???

Tenigate

Disgraceful behavior all round. Your boss could lose his job for giving you too much alcohol, never mind an attempted rape allegation.
You have no evidence whatsoever apart from he admitted his pants were open, and these things can happen during a drunken kiss and fumble.
To say you weren't conscious may be wishful thinking on your part. Alcohol can lower inhibitions and also prevent you from committing things to long-term memory. No one forced you to take the shot.
If I were you I'd approach his wife and ask what she saw. Depending on her feedback you may take your allegations to the gardai. But I think it's just a huge case of regret on your part.

bertsmom

Op it sounds like both you and your boss had way to much to drink and BOTH acted out of character and now your understandably are confused and angry. But there doesn't sound like there is any more evidence of him behaving any more out of control than you.
How do you know you did not open his clothing? ( not saying you did) or that you were not reciprocating the kiss. I understand you feel no attraction to him whatsoever but when alcohol is involved to such an extent that you can't stand up I'm not sure you or him were even aware of anything or any logical reasoning.
I'm not sure it's fair to lay all the blame on this man. You are an adult that had far too much to drink and you can't just accept drink from someone and drink it and THEN say "I didn't know what it was"
Hope you feel better soon. Don't beat yourself up about it. Therese things can happen but I do think it's a mistake to just blindly throw the allegation of rape at this man.

Neyite

Don't approach the wife. According to him, she hit you.

Actually the Gardai might be interested in that assault, given that he's a witness to it. So a garda chat with the both of them might unravel what actually transpired, and you can take it from there based on professional advice.

If I were you I'd start job hunting right away though.

Tenigate

Neyite wrote: »

If I were you I'd start job hunting right away though.

While it might be something worth considering, I'm not sure if this really is the best advice. Sure, a few days off work over xmas, and avoid work outings in future. But it could easily blow over. The op will know better than anyone if the situation is salvageable.. I just think she needs to accept the part she played.

kneemos

If the wife hit you it's pretty obvious the two of you were going at it.

skallywag

I certainly sympathise with your situation, but the current title of your post is bang out of order, at least going on what evidence you have shared with us so far.

You should cop yourself on a bit and change it if you want my two cents. It certainly seems that your boss is a class A undesirable to say the least, but to be throwing an attempted rape possability into the mix is completely unjustified.

LegacyUser

What did your husband say about all of this? I presume you told him if you're thinking of getting the Gardai involved

cailin.

It sounds like neither you or your boss can remember anything and were both as hammered as each other.

What is the timeline as to your husband going home and you arriving home? Did your husband go home and leave you in the company of your boss knowing that you were in such a drunken state? Did he witness you arriving home with your boss?

It's understandable that you would be feeling embarrassed, confused and uncomfortable at the events between you and your boss. Your memory may come back in the coming days, however at this point I think you should avoid approaching your boss' wife for now until things settle. A rape allegation is a serious reaction to what sounds like an extremely messy work night out.

bilbot79

I don't think this is rape based on what I've read. Sounds like awfully bad behaviour all round.

I wasn't there though.

Iseedeadpixels

Ok the thread title is a bit ott but calm down everyone shes obviously out of her mind with worry, does the hotel have cameras that may have caught something?

coolcat63

Convenient that the boss "can't remember anything". I wonder if he was actually drunk.

OldMrBrennan83

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Tenigate

cailin. wrote: »

Your memory may come back in the coming days

If the op was as drunk as she says, she may not have committed what happened to memory. This is known as a blackout. When this happens, the mind tries to "join the dots"and creates false memories. see https://digest.bps.org.uk/2011/11/15/did-i-do-that-the-psychology-of-alcohol-induced-blackouts/

On the other hand, when something unpleasant happens the mind has more of a chance of remembering sensory experiences, which can aid in recalling an event. Doesn't seem to have happened in the op's case.

Permabear

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matrim

Permabear wrote: »

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That's a bit hard on the husband. There is no timeline on when he left so it could have been before the poitin and she may have been fine.

Permabear

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Hannibal_Smith

What's your relationship like with your boss generally? My rule of thumb is, never EVER drink a drink if you don't know what it is. Regardless of what might have put in it, you don't know how it's gonna mix with everything else!

I would have a conversation with your boss and ask him what he remembers. Does your husband remember a commotion at the door ? Surely your boss's wife didn't whisper?

All you're going on is what your boss told you. I would want to hear it from someone else and for sure would want to talk to the wife!

TheIronyMaiden

I don't understand what the wife was doing? Did she see you two leave and follow you? Or did the two of them walk you home?
Wouldn't be taking the wife's word as gospel at all here. There is literally no proof. Wife could've been just as drunk as you and the boss!

never_mind

I feel like your husband isn't getting much sympathy in these posts - it sounds as though you got hammered and snogged someone... how does that make your husband feel? I'd be devastated.

GingerLily

Your problem here is that you only know what your boss has told you, and you don't trust him.

Do you think you could talk to his wife?

Whatever about whether the Guards should get involved, HR in your company would probably want to get involved. It isn't appropriate that he was giving glasses of poitin to staff and that he kissed his employee and now has told that employee they have to work from home because his actions have interfered with his marriage.


I can see you feel violated OP, but it's very hard to know what actually happened and if he took advantage of you rather than you both having drunken misadventure?

What have you said to your husband?

LegacyUser

Well one things certain you've no idea what did happen so he can claim what he likes. And as stated before it's not a laughing matter. Call his bluff and speak to his wife and see if stories match. He could have a thing for ruin and be trying to ruin your marriage to free you up for himself, he could be trying to tell himself you fancy him and be a complete and utter fantasist. He could have a bruised ego that you put him in his box and p*ssed him off and hope you move on workwise. Maybe the wife is a nutter or trying to get rid of him herself. Who knows how many scenarios they're may potentially be. Telling you to work from home, how long is that going to last!? Can't see the guards having much time for any of this

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, even the negative ones.

The Poitin was given to my husband too but he thought it was vodka until after he drank it. He went home while I was still fairly sober and enjoying the party. I honestly didn't drink that much, i only had a few bottles of beer until that poitin came out and even for a while i was in good form until it must have hit me Like a tonne of bricks.

The last thing I remember is that lewd comment at the bar. When i woke the next day, i remember that i was disgusted by it and that's why I wanted to leave.

I've told my husband everything and he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't ever have initiated any kiss with him. He claims he wanted to walk me home to keep me safe, but I'm still covered in bruises on my legs, my thighs, my arms.

His wife wont speak to us, the only information I have is through him, he claims he doesn't remember anything either, but i don't believe him because he seems to remember other parts of the walk home except for the alleged kiss, and he says he has no idea how his pants got open.

My husband didnt hear any commotion outside, when I got inside, he says I was very cold. Like I'd been outside for ages and there was no indication that anything had happened. I just went to sleep. Its like I had been passed out outside and woke up later to come inside.

The company is very small. There is no HR dept, he owns the company and lives beside the premises which is why he wants me to work from home. I'm not going to make any complaint to the gardai. There's no evidence and i cant remember what happened. But as it stands. I'm bruised, humiliated, very confused and probably unemployed.

Not a great start to the Christmas


(Apologies to the mods if this is a multi post, tge touch site was throwing errors)

Hazys

never_mind wrote: »

I feel like your husband isn't getting much sympathy in these posts - it sounds as though you got hammered and snogged someone... how does that make your husband feel? I'd be devastated.

I also feel after reading the thread that there is a chance you are trying convinced yourself and your husband that you were attacked so that it resolves you from blame in the incident.

Like most people have said but you and your boss behaved inappropriately although in a professional manner your boss is more to blame but on a personal level you are both equally to blame.

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Iseedeadpixels

....... wrote: »

Everyone seems to have missed the bosses comment of "I want a shot of your pussy".

I'd be getting HR involved personally, and speaking to a good solicitor.

Thats all he said she said, nothing would come of it.

long_b

There might be CCTV from the venue?

server down

....... wrote: »

Everyone seems to have missed the bosses comment of "I want a shot of your pussy".

I'd be getting HR involved personally, and speaking to a good solicitor.

Crass but proves nothing much. His open pants could have been caused by the op for all we know.

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GingerLily

I do not know if your boss sexually assaulted you, but I do feel that you might benefit from talking to the rape crisis centre. You feel violated and I think you'll need to address that before you move on. No one here can tell you if you were sexually assaulted but I think talking to someone could help you come to terms with what happened.

Tenigate

GingerLily wrote: »

I do not know if your boss sexually assaulted you, but I do feel that you might benefit from talking to the rape crisis centre. You feel violated and I think you'll need to address that before you move on. No one here can tell you if you were sexually assaulted but I think talking to someone could help you come to terms with what happened.

Just to note.. REGRET IS NOT RAPE.
sure, rape charities may be willing to counsel people who weren't raped. I dealt with a suicide prevention charity who counsel depressed people who arent suicide risks.

GingerLily

Tenigate wrote: »

Just to note.. REGRET IS NOT RAPE.
sure, rape charities may be willing to counsel people who weren't raped. I dealt with a suicide prevention charity who counsel depressed people who arent suicide risks.

I agree - I'm not suggesting it is - I'm trying to give the OP advice for her to cope with this situation - not get involved with the politics of consent in the 21st century.

Permabear

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tracey turnblad

Op we don’t know what went on. All I can advise you is to go to your gp or well woman for a check up just incase especially if your not on any contraceptive if you did have sex Consenual or not I doubt that any protection was used. You need to be checked for stds also.

On the job front although it’s his own business you still have rights.

On the wife, I can understand she’s angry and that she doesn’t want to talk to you but if she’s the only witness.

I don’t know if you can report this to the guards to have them check any cctv from the hotel without involving him.

You need to photograph any bruising as well to have evidence just incase.if I was in your position right now and I couldn’t remember anything I’d be taking a trip to my doctor for an examination and some advice regardless of whether I wanted to go to the guards or not.

JupiterKid

OP it sounds like a horrible situation that you’re in, and your boss utterly abused his position by firstly serving you poitin, which is extremely potent and then those lewd remarks at the bar. It sounds like you blacked out and your boss might have taken advantage of the situation. I can understand your fear and confusion.

This is why in my opinion, work Christmas parties, especially where the boss is present, are generally a bad idea.

Purple Mountain

Forgive me but I can't understand if you told your husband how he doesn't want to go round and get some answers from this guy especially if you think you may have been taken advantage of.

Hannibal_Smith

How did your husband feel after taking the poitin? Is that why he went home because it hit him? Where did the poitin come from?

Is it possible that you got so drunk that you might have done something, but can't remember? You need to talk to your boss and his wife and get a clearer picture of what happened.

You said you were buying shots at the bar afterwards and you were there for a long time after, so you were having the craic. And you remember it all up the time at your door? Did your husband have to carry you to bed?

Like I said, atm you're going on what your boss said. You've no recollection. If himself and his wife are going to tarnish your name by saying you were trying shag him outside your house, with your husband upstairs, you need to put that right. Talk to him face to face.

What are the bruises from?

It's one of two things, either you both got p*ssed and got a bit hands on outside your house.

Or, your boss was more savvy than you and tried it on with you when you were in a state.

I wouldn't be staying with a cold state of the fear if I thought the second scenario was possible. I'd be banging down doors looking for answers.

JeffKenna

OP, I really think your trying to remove all blame from yourself here and the story you portray may not be 100% accurate. I mean to drink a glass of Poitin and only realise after you drank the full glass what it was. Come on, that stuff is like paint stripper. If you were only after a couple of beers at that stage I can't believe you drank that much of it.

Perhaps change the word glass to "shot" and it becomes more realistic. However then the narrative of the story changes to I had a shot of Poitin and got too drunk...

server down

The op woke up feeling fine.

missmatty

Any chance the OP's drink was spiked? Poteen is strong enough you could probably put anything in there and not be able to tell.

Neyite

missmatty wrote: »

Any chance the OP's drink was spiked? Poteen is strong enough you could probably put anything in there and not be able to tell.

I think you need to test the very next morning as common drugs used for spiking leave the system very fast. So the OP may be too late for that.

It's very often that blackouts are simply down to drink. I've had single shots of stuff I'm not used to on top of a couple of beers that blew the head off me and caused gaps in my memory.

The boss got the poteen in the venue by the sounds of it. So it's the commercial version and while it's still strong, it's not the real stuff.

Jimbob1977

Ultimately, the chain of events is unknown or uncertain. It's hard to prosecute on that basis.

Hallmarks of the Ched Evans case.

njs030

I think everyone else here has covered the rape pov.

From an employment perspective he simply can't change your terms of employment like that without agreement from you and a proper notice period and you're well within you rights to take a case against him.

LegacyUser

The poitin was brought to the hotel by one of the bosses employees. It was the strong kind. The boss asked him to bring it in and the boss arranged to have a tray of glasses from the hotel filled and he brought them to the table. They looked like large shots he bought at the bar. I took a sip and said it was horrible, the boss said 'you just need to down it' and I stupidly did.

He said afterwards that he never drank any himself, nor did his wife, but he claims he was drunk on vodka and can't remember anything.

My husband spoke to him on the phone, we both called him several times, his wife refuses to talk but she was in the room with him for one of the calls. Their story has changed a few times, especially when my husband mentioned going to the Gardai, but ultimately he says he doesn't remember, she won't talk to us, I have no memory of anything.

His wife said she is ok with me going back to work but tbh, I'm not going back there. I don't believe their story, my boss was always friendly with, but i know from work that he's not afraid of making up a story and sticking with it to get himself out of trouble.

At this point I'm worn out by it. I've given up getting a straight story from him or the wife. My job is finished, I'm just gonna tell him to hire someone else, train my replacement and leave and never be stupid enough to drink anything like that again.

Hannibal_Smith

Do you reckon this is an attempt to get rid of You?

You're not the only one who had the poitin. Your husband had it too. What's his memory like? Did you drink anything else that was bought by anyone else?

Purple Mountain

Are you saying the hotel knew that an illegal drink was being consumed on their premises and we're OK with that?

JamBur

Your story keeps refining itself within every telling. My reading of this with the information to hand is that this is BS. I know that sounds harsh, but your story is inconsistent.

Purple Mountain

JamBur wrote: »

Your story keeps refining itself within every telling. My reading of this with the information to hand is that this is BS. I know that sounds harsh, but your story is inconsistent.

There was a story on here a few weeks ago that disappeared very sharpish.
It was a man who said his drink was spiked by his SIL in a hotel and has no memory of her taking advantage.
She then claimed she was pregnant.

I'm just mentioning this because similarly this was an anon poster so if that disappeared quickly then this story must check out with mods?

JeffKenna

To cut a long story short you went out, got drunk and cheated on your husband.

This talk of rape is a disgrace to people who genuinely have been.

bilbot79

JeffKenna wrote: »

To cut a long story short you went out, got drunk and cheated on your husband.

This talk of rape is a disgrace to people who genuinely have been.

This is a really good point. Something bad has happened here, either by the boss...or the OP.