Christmas cards after bereavement

marieholmfan

Do you send Christmas cards after a bereavement; that is to people bereaved this year?

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

I will send them with a little personal note.

The convention is that they don't send cards this year.

cobham

I would not nor sent any when bereaved self that year.

eviltwin

I'd send something, let's them know you are thinking of them. The worst thing on your first Christmas without a loved one is feeling ignored. Just don't go for something cheery, pick something muted.

marieholmfan

I was thinking of saying 'thinking of you at this difficult time' but the cards have teddy bears etc. on them

whoopsadoodles

A nice "thinking of you this Christmas" card is grand.

A buddy the elf "SANTA'S COMING. I KNOW HIM" one, not so much.

Joeseph Balls

cobham wrote: »

I would not nor sent any when bereaved self that year.

I think so

Zaph

Harmoni Acidic Priest wrote: »

I will send them with a little personal note.

The convention is that they don't send cards this year.

This is a "convention" that I only ever became aware of when a similar thread was started a year or two ago. Seems weirdly random to me and unless I had a bereavement very close to Christmas where sending cards would be the furthest thing from my mind I can't think of any good reason why I wouldn't send them.

Noveight

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

A nice "thinking of you this Christmas" card is grand.

Pretty much. The folks received a few of these the year one of my grandparents passed away and really appreciated the sentiment. Nice to think people remember these things, even when their own life is probably up the walls busy.

Tom Mann Centuria

It's an Irish thing (afaik) not sending them after bereavement. I still sent them last year when my dad died, don't think my wife is sending any this year when her mum died. Certainly neither of us mind getting Christmas cards, silly and jovial or not.

neonsofa

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

A nice "thinking of you this Christmas" card is grand.

A buddy the elf "SANTA'S COMING. I KNOW HIM" one, not so much.

Yeah I just send generic candle type ones or thinking of you ones, and a written note inside. I think sending something to let someone know they're in your thoughts is a nice gesture at a difficult time for them. They need to know then more than any other time.

freshpopcorn

In my area/family If you have a death in your house you don't send cards but you still send a card to a family who lost somebody during the year. Some might send them a slightly different card.

Zaph

Tom Mann Centuria wrote: »

It's an Irish thing (afaik) not sending them after bereavement.

Maybe so, but it's not universal and maybe it just happens in certain parts of the country? I've certainly never heard of it in Dublin.

lazybones32

The bereaved don't send and shouldn't receive.
Was talking to neighbours recently and this topic came up. Some people who didn't know of a bereavement in their family, never sent a card again after not receiving one in the year of the death. People can get trivially upset over not getting a card...

retro:electro

It wouldn't sit right with me to purposely leave someone off a list who had been bereaved that year. I can imagine that's when the loneliness would hit them the most. Traditions and protocol are societal but my sentiments are my own. I'd always send a little thinking of you card and probably a little gift.

eviltwin

lazybones32 wrote: »

The bereaved don't send and shouldn't receive.
Was talking to neighbours recently and this topic came up. Some people who didn't know of a bereavement in their family, never sent a card again after not receiving one in the year of the death. People can get trivially upset over not getting a card...

I wouldn't call it trivial. My dad died in October and that first Christmas was awful. It's really hard grieving when the whole focus is on family and togetherness and happiness. What made it worse was no cards, we knew the tradition and all that but having someone remember us would have really helped.

I would avoid a very jolly type card but I don't think it's any faux pas to let the family know they are in your thoughts and available if needs be.

Zaph

lazybones32 wrote: »

The bereaved don't send and shouldn't receive.

But why? Who decided this? It seems such a ridiculously random thing, why not say that the bereaved shouldn't go to the cinema for the rest of the year, or not cut their grass on the third Saturday of every month? Christmas cards have as much to do with bereavement as either of those, so where did this "tradition" spring out of?

scarepanda

Zaph wrote: »

But why? Who decided this? It seems such a ridiculously random thing, why not say that the bereaved shouldn't go to the cinema for the rest of the year, or not cut their grass on the third Saturday of every month? Christmas cards have as much to do with bereavement as either of those, so where did this "tradition" spring out of?

Traditionally the bereaved mourned for a year, didn't celebrate anything, wore black etc. My mam is very traditional and I remember her doing this when her dad died. I don't think she was as hard on herself when her mam died more recently. And I remember when my dad's Mam died when I was about 17, my parents subtly trying to talk me out of going out etc during the first year (it stands out in my mind because I had a lot of 18ths).

As to the OPs question, someone very close to me was bereaved during the year, but I will carry on as normal, present and card. It's going to be an awful hard Christmas on her, but I know she wants it to be as 'normal' as possible. She's organising a few things to keep busy and I think it would be too obvious and possibly make her feel that little bit more alone if I didn't get her something small as normal. I certainly don't expect anything in return from her though.

freshpopcorn

When my grandmother died she lived with us all the time everybody sent cards to us as normal. A few a few wrote a little message in them.

BrokenWingz

My partner was scolded by his brother for the “disrespect” of our sending cards to him and the rest of the family the Christmas after their father died. It isn’t a custom either of us were aware of. I lost both parents and a sibling in a year and a half and still sent cards as usual, luckily most people did send to us as well and I welcomed the funny cards as much as the thoughtful ones.

JupiterKid

I always thought that the convention was that the household where there was a bereavement did not send out Christmas cards that year, but would receive them from others.

amtc

Yes I agree...those bereaved do not send but can receive (this is in Dublin by the way)

My very close cousin lost her husband some weeks ago and I sent her a Mass card for Christmas.

donegal_man

First I ever heard of neither sending nor receiving cards after a bereavement. Friend of mine lost her mother last year and still went all out for Christmas on the grounds that it's a time to celebrate life and remember all the joy that they had shared. It also seems rather cold to me not to send a bereaved person a card if only to remind them that they're in your thoughts.

knucklehead6

My mother died suddenly in October and I won’t be sending any cards this year.

I wouldn’t have a problem with anyone sending them to me though, be they whacky elf ones or single candle ones

neonsofa

knucklehead6 wrote: »

My mother died suddenly in October and I won’t be sending any cards this year.

I wouldn’t have a problem with anyone sending them to me though, be they whacky elf ones or single candle ones

Very sorry to hear that. Look after yourself.

Annasopra

lazybones32 wrote: »

The bereaved don't send and shouldn't receive.

I can understand they may be too upset to send their own but I dont understand why they shouldnt receive them.

professore

We never send any full stop. I am in touch with the important people in my life regularly. The rest is just hypocrisy. But that's probably just us.

Lollipops23

lazybones32 wrote: »

Some people who didn't know of a bereavement in their family, never sent a card again after not receiving one in the year of the death. People can get trivially upset over not getting a card...

My mam said that growing up, not receiving a card from someone would be how they found out there'd been a bereavement in that family.

We didn't send cards last year after we lost my aunty in April. My mam just didn't feel up to it anyway, but she's a lot more into celebrating this year.

lazybones32

eviltwin wrote: »

I wouldn't call it trivial. My dad died in October and that first Christmas was awful. It's really hard grieving when the whole focus is on family and togetherness and happiness. What made it worse was no cards, we knew the tradition and all that but having someone remember us would have really helped.

I would avoid a very jolly type card but I don't think it's any faux pas to let the family know they are in your thoughts and available if needs be.

No, the man who didn't receive an Xmas card from my bereaved neighbours got upset; to the point that when he met the husband again, he pretended to not recognise him and things are strained since.

Hugh Jampton

marieholmfan wrote: »

I was thinking of saying 'thinking of you at this difficult time' but the cards have teddy bears etc. on them

Don’t be tone deaf to a bereavement. Ring the person or contact them directly. In my view no card is appropriate when a parent, child or spouse of that person has died that year.

The Backwards Man

I find that the best way to deal with sensitive issues of etiquette such as this is to send nothing to anybody.

alchemist33

My aunt's husband is terminally at the moment, so I think even the "thinking of you" won't do the job. My mother is sending nothing so I'm going to follow her line. Might ring or text them at some point though (they live in England and I see my aunt about once every two years so it's not like we're close)

TheChizler

Hugh Jampton wrote: »

Don’t be tone deaf to a bereavement. Ring the person or contact them directly. In my view no card is appropriate when a parent, child or spouse of that person has died that year.

Why not though? To me it would feel like cruel exclusion at a time when you shouldn't ignore them. Why not go all out and shun them entirely for the year?

I keep hearing about these weird traditions in relation to cards and events that make no sense. Someone I know recently got incredibly irate because they were invited to a wedding more than 5 weeks (or is it months?) in advance. Up there with the mother of the bride nearly refusing to go to a wedding cause the cake was the wrong colour (another real life story). I'm destined to commit so many social faux pas that I've never heard about.

retro:electro

alchemist33 wrote: »

My aunt's husband is terminally at the moment, so I think even the "thinking of you" won't do the job. My mother is sending nothing so I'm going to follow her line. Might ring or text them at some point though (they live in England and I see my aunt about once every two years so it's not like we're close)

I can't relate to this line of thinking at all. Since my mother got ill the amount of contact that has dropped off is baffling. She still gets Christmas cards but a significantly smaller amount than previous years. I think letting someone know you're thinking of them is always a good thing, terminally ill or not. The thought that it may be someone's last Christmas would motivate me to contact them even more.