Anticipatory ‘grief surges’: anyone get them + how do you cope?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am an only child in a single parent family caring for my mother with mid stage Alzheimer’s disease. My mum (Aoibheann) has been living in a nursing home for the past 3 years and is deteriorating substantially as time goes on. I decided to join this forum today as I had a really bad day. I am managing the practical stress pretty well (financial, healthcare decision making, keeping on top of nursing home staff to ensure mum is being looked after) but today I broke down. It is strange… the little things that really hurt with dementia.

When my mum was well, my birthday was the most important day of the year to her. She made a MASSIVE deal of it and spoilt me rotten, as it was just the two of us. I always felt so loved and valued. Celebrating life was the definition of my mother’s personality. Today was my birthday and she forgot. She forgot, the last four years. She called me last year and asked me to come in to visit her (I thought she had remembered). When I arrived in the nursing home, she just told me she was lonely and wanted to see me.

I broke down in tears tonight in a restaurant with my girlfriend. I am a 33-year-old man so it is not that my birthday is all that important. It is that I was experiencing what I can only describe as an anticipatory ‘grief surge’. I was realising that the part of my mother that was characterised by celebrating life was gone. I was realising that my mother and I no longer had a reciprocal relationship, that from now on, I would give to her and not receive anything back. It was devastating.

I am just wondering if anyone else here experienced these anticipatory ‘grief surges’ and if so how they have learned to cope with them.


Thanks,


Donal

looksee

This is not about your birthday, OP, its a build up of stress and the hopeless feeling of caring for someone you know is not going to get well, and yes, grief. It may be that you have released the pressure somewhat by reacting as you did, and will feel more able to cope at least for a while. I think it is not at all unusual for a person to do all their grieving while the person they care for is still alive. One thing is sure, there is nothing 'usual' about how people cope in your situation, you will deal with it your own way. Its not easy, be good to yourself, and continue to love her.

Come on here and use us to express your feelings, I will try and be a bit quicker to approve your posts, I was not on for a couple of days.

Eph1958

Hi Donal,
It is very sad to hear about your mothers condition. She is lucky to have you care for her even though she may not be aware of it. In my caring life I recall the moment when I suddenly realized that this was never going to get better and that life as it had been was never going to return. I think your birthday acted as a catalyst for you to feel this huge loss. Unfortunately, the conclusion of caring is often the passing of the person we devote so much time to, but the realization can happen much sooner, and can be very painful and overwhelming. Life can be very unfair for us carers, but it's part of being human and what we choose to undertake. Take care.


Eph.