Distance parenting

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 5:14am #1

I’ll start from the start. So I am in 3rd year in college in Dublin A few years ago I started chatting online with a girl who was also an admin on a facebook page I was on. We got on like a house on fire.

((((It’s important that I give some prior information relating to her because it’s all relevant. She’s originally from Newcastle but met a Glasgow lad on holidays and they got together. He used to kick her around and cheat on her but they had a baby in the mean time. He ended up committing a serious crime in Newcastle and left her and the baby and ran back up to Glasgow and she went up after him. He left the child outside pubs and bookies in a pram at two months old and was just a general reprobate. He went out one night and OD’d on whatever anyway he’s brown bread. So she’s left on her own in Glasgow with nothing or nobody. )))

She is in Glasgow and I’m in Dublin. So we get chatting and the usual ****e like staying up texting and calling etc so after a while we agree that we should meet up. We do and all is well I fly over for a weekend. We keep it up for a while and I go over every month or three weeks for a weekend. We get together and everything is rosey. Still good a year later her kid (2at the time) calls me dad and it’s grand. Fast forward to summer 2016. I wanted out. She was a head case. She would flip if I didn’t answer the phone. She would regularly hack into my Facebook and other social media accounts. She would accuse me of cheating every other day. She would be verbally ****ing horrible and once tried to properly punch me in the head. She has no intention of gaining meaningful employment, she won’t go to college to get an education she’s a layabout. But expects everything handed to her and shows no sign of being grateful for anything I do or give her be it money or anything else. She never cleans her flat to an acceptable standard considering she’s in the thing 24/7 it’s a disgrace. It’s littered with insects because she doesn’t Hoover regularly and the first kid runs about eating whatever and leaves it about. I fly over and she’s feeling **** so she gets a pregnancy test and yeah it’s positive. ****ing whoop de doo. Even though she had allegedly been on the pill. I reckon she had stopped taking it because I wasn’t there all the time and she’s just a lazy irresponsible dope that couldn’t be bothered.

So initially I was completely against continuing with the pregnancy as 1 I wanted to get away from her and 2 I was still living in Dublin and in college and it wouldn’t be fair on anyone if she kept the baby. But she told me that “it’s her body she can do what she wants”. Now I’m into a situation where I’ve realized Glasgow is a horrible place to live, the bird I’m with is a selfish arsehole and I’m being forced into this situation that I don’t want to be in.

I went to all the scans and appointments while trying to keep a full time job and study part time in Dublin flying over where I can. Her due date was in March 2017 so I deferred my last semester in college and flew over Incase the baby came early.

So the baby arrives and I feel nothing. I feel nothing because her ex’s death anniversary was the 12th of March and the baby was due on that day. The whole time all she said was I hope it’s not in his day. Regardless of she’s having my kid and she’s talking about her ex. But whatever.

The nurses put the baby in my arms and then it hits me. She’s beautiful. I can’t stop looking at her. My hearts melted. I do all the changes baths and feeds for the first 7 months. While she uses every self diagnosed mental disorder as an excuse to argue with me I zone her out and focus on the two baby’s.

I was trying to go to college over there but the fees are mental so I had to decide to either drop out or come home and do the last few modules.

So I left to go back to Dublin and finish college here. I got a good job that I work full time and study in the evenings. I call the kids every day without fail and send her money every week without fail (£100).

The point of this is I want to know if what I’m doing, is the right thing to do. Am I a **** dad for leaving? Should I forget college and go to Glasgow? I’ve been in Dublin 3 months and she’s already crawling growing teeth and just getting big. But if I keep it up I won’t be with her full time until late may 2018.

Any advice would be great please.

Thestones · 03-12-2017 8:53am

QKQ1QNK wrote: »

<Snip>

I would keep doing what your doing and finish your college, it's so important. When your head is in a better place you can decide what to do. Op did you ever think it's possible the baby isn't yours? You said you weren't there much and she just suddenly becomes pregnant when she said she's on the pill, sorry it's just a thought that came to mind reading your post so apologies if I'm totally off the mark.

Anne_cordelia · 03-12-2017 8:59am

Stay in college. Definitely. You are doing the right thing.

Witchie · 03-12-2017 9:21am

hi, as someone who grew up with my dad away touring most of the time with his band, I didn't actually know what a dad was until I was 4 years old when he left the band. To me he was this wonderful man who came to our house every so often bringing gifts and always had hot chocolate sachets that he got in hotels, which I loved.

My dad and I are so close we are almost the same person. I adore the man and 40 years on, he is the person I miss most when am away from family.

So basically what I am trying to say is, yes you might miss out on bits and pieces but my advice would be to finish college, go over to Scotland and maybe get a job somewhere other than Glasgow if you hate it so much but within an hour or so train journey so you can be part of your children's lives and you will be able to build a wonderful relationship. She doesn't have a clue who you are or a concept of a dad yet so you have time.

Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-12-2017 9:44am

If she is that bad a mother, then I have to say no. What you're doing is not right. Those two children deserve better. The first one is not your responsibility. And it's questionable if the second one is yours. Are social services involved with her at all? Does anybody realise the conditions those children are living in?

I don't know what you are prepared to do, but I know a dad local to me who has full custody of his child who was born in the UK. The mother still lives there and has 2 older children who are also in the full custody of their father.

Would you be prepared to look for full custody, if the child is yours? Would you be prepared to also take on custody of the other child in order to not split the siblings up? This is a messy situation, and it's 2 very young children who are being neglected in the middle of it. They should be your only concern. You need to contact whatever agencies look after the welfare of children in Glasgow. That is the minimum you need to do.

SimpleDimples · 03-12-2017 9:58am

It's 6 more months which is a relatively short space of time so don't feel guilty about it! Short term sacrifice, long term gain and you are doing it for the right reasons.

Given how you have described the child's mother and the fact she is know to have lied to you, I think a dna test is a must. You need to know the child is yours before you plan a life around it

charlietheminxx · 03-12-2017 11:25am

I don’t think 6 months is a short period of time to leave your child with a neglectful parent. Absolutely not. You need to get social services involved. Do you want your child crawling around on dirty floors and eating bugs? The thoughts of that break my heart. You might not be in a position to rescue the eldest but you need to alert the child protection services to they can investigate, it’s not right to leave a child in that situation.

Also this is probably mildly irrelevant at this stage but it needs to be said - you knew she was a headcase, but you kept having sex with her and took no precautions yourself for contraception. In the future don’t have unprotected sex with someone you don’t trust. You need to accept some responsibility for your own actions there. As I said, probably irrelevant now because you HAVE to take responsibility now for your child. Step up, they need to be your priority.

fima · 03-12-2017 12:36pm

If you believe this child to be yours you have a duty to get her OUT of this situation. College is not your no 1 priority here. You can get full custody but you need to get them to Ireland first. To do that you may need to play a long game ... I mean why is she even living in Glasgow if she’s not from there and has no ties there ?
Set her up over here then boot her out. This sounds horrible but I’m speaking from indirect experience, my husband and his children went through similar.
The children are what matters. Nothing else. You can take a year out of college if you need to.

Edit: A child’s brain is 90% formed by the time they’re three. What happens to children in their early years are crucial to their successful development - leaving your child in a situation like that is IMO cruel and selfish. If you can’t get them to Ireland and you’re not willing to go back - at least have social services involved ASAP.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 2:02pm

Thestones wrote: »

I would keep doing what your doing and finish your college, it's so important. When your head is in a better place you can decide what to do. Op did you ever think it's possible the baby isn't yours? You said you weren't there much and she just suddenly becomes pregnant when she said she's on the pill, sorry it's just a thought that came to mind reading your post so apologies if I'm totally off the mark.

Apologies just to clarify this.

My daughter is definitely mine. She is literally my spitting double and you know where you have a specific family look? She’s 100% mine no question about it.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-12-2017 2:41pm

Well then you should be more concerned about getting her out of the conditions you have described above, away from the personality that you have described above than wondering whether or not to continue college another 6 months.

You couldn't live with her mother, yet you're not concerned about your child being under her care??

amtc · 03-12-2017 3:07pm

You give little detail about your circumstances here. Have you family who know about the child? Your parents? Where do you live? Why is she in Glasgow at all now? What do you feel about her now? If you have a good job why can't you support her here? Maybe she is simply overwhelmed.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 3:18pm

amtc wrote: »

You give little detail about your circumstances here. Have you family who know about the child? Your parents? Where do you live? Why is she in Glasgow at all now? What do you feel about her now? If you have a good job why can't you support her here? Maybe she is simply overwhelmed.

Yes everyone knows about her. I’ve brought her home a few times. I live with my parents in a normal 3 bed house. She’s in Glasgow because she doesn’t want to take the first child away from the first child’s grandparents. Now I’m indifferent to her. She’ll start having a go over the phone and I just hang up and stop caring about it. I can’t support them here because I’ve looked at a place to rent with 2 beds and the rent is 1500-1800. I’m only getting 2200 pm after tax.

She did say that she would consider moving here if I got a place to bring them into but only in the summer 2018 it would be an option. And with that I don’t know if she would even be able to get the social payments for to help out. Plus when it comes to it I don’t even know if she would 100% do it either. She’s very loving towards the kids and she is not abusive with them at all. She doesn’t go over the top disciplining the eldest at all.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 3:25pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If she is that bad a mother, then I have to say no. What you're doing is not right. Those two children deserve better. The first one is not your responsibility. And it's questionable if the second one is yours. Are social services involved with her at all? Does anybody realise the conditions those children are living in?

I don't know what you are prepared to do, but I know a dad local to me who has full custody of his child who was born in the UK. The mother still lives there and has 2 older children who are also in the full custody of their father.

Would you be prepared to look for full custody, if the child is yours? Would you be prepared to also take on custody of the other child in order to not split the siblings up? This is a messy situation, and it's 2 very young children who are being neglected in the middle of it. They should be your only concern. You need to contact whatever agencies look after the welfare of children in Glasgow. That is the minimum you need to do.

I would have them both no question about it. She is not horrible to the children she might perhaps snap at the eldest for something minor very rarely but she doesn’t go over the top. I would love to hear more about the situation you’ve described above.

Can I just bring the baby to ireland and refuse to allow her back to Glasgow or is that kidnapping??

Airyfairy12 · 03-12-2017 3:27pm

Stay in college, you'll get a good job and will always have it to fall back on.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 3:32pm

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I don’t think 6 months is a short period of time to leave your child with a neglectful parent. Absolutely not. You need to get social services involved. Do you want your child crawling around on dirty floors and eating bugs? The thoughts of that break my heart. You might not be in a position to rescue the eldest but you need to alert the child protection services to they can investigate, it’s not right to leave a child in that situation.

Also this is probably mildly irrelevant at this stage but it needs to be said - you knew she was a headcase, but you kept having sex with her and took no precautions yourself for contraception. In the future don’t have unprotected sex with someone you don’t trust. You need to accept some responsibility for your own actions there. As I said, probably irrelevant now because you HAVE to take responsibility now for your child. Step up, they need to be your priority.

I appreciate that comment and I do accept that I didn’t put a cloak on my gentleman but as a couple we agreed that she would take the pill. We didn’t agree as a couple that she would come off it. She did that. While I accept responsibility for my own part, is there no actions to take where a woman does this against the will of the other person? Is it not morally wrong to do that to someone on top of that to the child because she has to start life out without her daddy there for at least 15 months.

Again I appreciate your point and I’m not being argumentative. I’m just caught between a rock and a hard place.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 3:35pm

fima wrote: »

If you believe this child to be yours you have a duty to get her OUT of this situation. College is not your no 1 priority here. You can get full custody but you need to get them to Ireland first. To do that you may need to play a long game ... I mean why is she even living in Glasgow if she’s not from there and has no ties there ?
Set her up over here then boot her out. This sounds horrible but I’m speaking from indirect experience, my husband and his children went through similar.
The children are what matters. Nothing else. You can take a year out of college if you need to.

Edit: A child’s brain is 90% formed by the time they’re three. What happens to children in their early years are crucial to their successful development - leaving your child in a situation like that is IMO cruel and selfish. If you can’t get them to Ireland and you’re not willing to go back - at least have social services involved ASAP.

I am not that kind of man. I wouldn’t want her to be put in that situation where she’s moved here and then to be thrown out with nothing or nowhere to go. Also I can’t help but feel that it would be told to the kids at some point and I wouldn’t want them to think that that is he correct way to treat another person.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 3:40pm

I appreciate everyone’s comments on this. It’s made me feel good to be able to talk about it. It’s not a conversation you can have with the lads over a pint kind of thing so it’s the first time I’ve spoke about it.

fima · 03-12-2017 3:48pm

QKQ1QNK wrote: »

I am not that kind of man. I wouldn’t want her to be put in that situation where she’s moved here and then to be thrown out with nothing or nowhere to go. Also I can’t help but feel that it would be told to the kids at some point and I wouldn’t want them to think that that is he correct way to treat another person.

You have painted her in your OP as a ****e parent - you made accusations that your child is living in filth. Make up your mind.

I don’t know what kind of man would be more concerned about what might be said in the future then caring for their own flesh and blood. In our situation, we know very well that in years to come we will be painted as the bad evil people that separated the mother from the children. In the meantime, they are safe and not living in hell with an extremely unstable parent. That’s more important.
I don’t mean to sound extreme here but again the safety of the child is paramount. So if you believe your child is safe, maybe edit your OP because it reads very much like your child is in danger.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 4:18pm

fima wrote: »

You have painted her in your OP as a ****e parent - you made accusations that your child is living in filth. Make up your mind.

I don’t know what kind of man would be more concerned about what might be said in the future then caring for their own flesh and blood. In our situation, we know very well that in years to come we will be painted as the bad evil people that separated the mother from the children. In the meantime, they are safe and not living in hell with an extremely unstable parent. That’s more important.
I don’t mean to sound extreme here but again the safety of the child is paramount. So if you believe your child is safe, maybe edit your OP because it reads very much like your child is in danger.

Is there a way to upload photos and videos on this so I can show what I am talking about

fima · 03-12-2017 4:48pm

QKQ1QNK wrote: »

Is there a way to upload photos and videos on this so I can show what I am talking about

I don’t know tbh but if you think you have proof that the children are living in an unsafe situation then you should be forwarding it to the appropriate child services.

As regards just taking the child to Ireland, yes it is kidnapping if you don’t have permission from the primary parent to travel and would be extremely risky for all concerned. Are you your child’s guardian ?

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 4:52pm

fima wrote: »

I don’t know tbh but if you think you have proof that the children are living in an unsafe situation then you should be forwarding it to the appropriate child services.

As regards just taking the child to Ireland, yes it is kidnapping if you don’t have permission from the primary parent to travel and would be extremely risky for all concerned. Are you your child’s guardian ?

Sorry. Yes I am. I read that wrong and thought you were referring to the eldest child. Yes I am her Father. I am on her birth cert as her father.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-12-2017 5:14pm

Why would you be uploading proof here? Seriously? Send it somewhere where something can be done. You cannot just take the child from Scotland and head home. If you want to do it (do you?) then you do it properly. The man I know was a few months fighting for custody of his child. The mother wasn't fit to look after him, but the social services over there couldn't be sure that he was any better. The child was in foster care for a while until he could prove and the authorities were satisfied that he was in a position to be a fulltime parent.

Do you want to be a fulltime parent?

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 5:39pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why would you be uploading proof here? Seriously? Send it somewhere where something can be done. You cannot just take the child from Scotland and head home. If you want to do it (do you?) then you do it properly. The man I know was a few months fighting for custody of his child. The mother wasn't fit to look after him, but the social services over there couldn't be sure that he was any better. The child was in foster care for a while until he could prove and the authorities were satisfied that he was in a position to be a fulltime parent.

Do you want to be a fulltime parent?

Yes I do but the thought of having them in foster care until it’s sorted is horrible. I googled the child services over there and I sent them an email with pictures and videos attached. Will see how that goes.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-12-2017 5:44pm

Foster care, probably a foster family would be preferable to what you've described they currently live in.

....... · 03-12-2017 7:55pm

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QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 11:17pm

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

As a couple we decided she would take the pill. Like every other couple. We did not discuss her coming off it at any point. So as far as I was aware we were protecting ourselves from conceiving a baby. I tried to get into college over there but the fees are extortionate. I have until may left in my final year in college.
If you read my replies I am not passing on my part of her becoming pregnant. However I think that if a couple has agreed to use whatever form of contraception there must be a conversation about coming away from it also.

njs030 · 03-12-2017 11:27pm

QKQ1QNK wrote: »

As a couple we decided she would take the pill. Like every other couple. We did not discuss her coming off it at any point. So as far as I was aware we were protecting ourselves from conceiving a baby. I tried to get into college over there but the fees are extortionate. I have until may left in my final year in college.
If you read my replies I am not passing on my part of her becoming pregnant. However I think that if a couple has agreed to use whatever form of contraception there must be a conversation about coming away from it also.

It's irrelevant how you conceived at this stage but it is important to get a dna test done. There's no such thing as a family look that no one else shares and when you look for something you'll find it!
Get the test done, if it's positive get legal guardianship of your child ASAP.

I found myself pregnant at 19 and had to give up college until my late 20's.
That's what parents do, we make sacrifices for the sake of our children.

QKQ1QNK · 03-12-2017 11:28pm

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

As a couple we decided she would take the pill. Like every other couple. We did not discuss her coming off it at any point. So as far as I was aware we were protecting ourselves from conceiving a baby. I tried to get into college over there but the fees are extortionate. I have until may left in my final year in college.
If you read my replies I am not passing on my part of her becoming pregnant. However I think that if a couple has agreed to use whatever form of contraception there must be a conversation about coming away from it also.

charlietheminxx · 03-12-2017 11:52pm

You’ve mentioned college fees a couple of times, I’ve a friend who studied in Edinburgh and her fees were less than reg fees here? Approx £1,500 if I remember correctly? That may vary depending on what you study but unlike the rest of the UK, Scotland doesn’t have full fees so it should be comparable to here. You might be able to find a way.

Regardless, when you become a parent you have to put your children first. Sometimes that might mean putting other things on hold, it’s tough but they have to be your priority.

You had replied earlier regarding my comments on the situation with contraception - I really do feel for you, it’s a bad situation but when someone acts as erratically as she was, I wouldn’t trust them to be responsible for birth control. I’m a woman on the pill, and I would never, ever stop taking it without telling my partner but then I don’t hack his social media or hit him either. You need to be mindful of who you trust with something so important. It doesn’t sound like it was a good relationship at that point. It’s not an admonishment, what’s done is done and you obviously love your daughter but it’s just something to be cognisant of in the future.

QKQ1QNK · 04-12-2017 12:45am

charlietheminxx wrote: »

You’ve mentioned college fees a couple of times, I’ve a friend who studied in Edinburgh and her fees were less than reg fees here? Approx £1,500 if I remember correctly? That may vary depending on what you study but unlike the rest of the UK, Scotland doesn’t have full fees so it should be comparable to here. You might be able to find a way.

Regardless, when you become a parent you have to put your children first. Sometimes that might mean putting other things on hold, it’s tough but they have to be your priority.

You had replied earlier regarding my comments on the situation with contraception - I really do feel for you, it’s a bad situation but when someone acts as erratically as she was, I wouldn’t trust them to be responsible for birth control. I’m a woman on the pill, and I would never, ever stop taking it without telling my partner but then I don’t hack his social media or hit him either. You need to be mindful of who you trust with something so important. It doesn’t sound like it was a good relationship at that point. It’s not an admonishment, what’s done is done and you obviously love your daughter but it’s just something to be cognisant of in the future.

I spoke with the registrar in two separate universities in Glasgow and they told me because I wasn’t British the fees would be £19,000 a year. But if you have anyone to contact about this that would be great.

Sparkle 40 · 04-12-2017 1:23am

amtc wrote: »

You give little detail about your circumstances here. Have you family who know about the child? Your parents? Where do you live? Why is she in Glasgow at all now? What do you feel about her now? If you have a good job why can't you support her here? Maybe she is simply overwhelmed.

Kids uk passports so you can't just take out of country. Also if she has a loving relationship with them then a bit of dirt isn't going to kill them. Social services places can be very disruptive on childs mental health. Obviously if kids in danger though report otherwise personallyrics I think complete your studies visit and be the best dad you can.

Distance parenting

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